


Let The Right One In

by moonlittides



Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Rewrite, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Cliffhangers, Emotional, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Graphic Description of Corpses, Grief/Mourning, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, Magic, POV First Person, Resurrection, Season/Series 04, Temporary Character Death, Vampire Cure, Vampire Sex, Vampires, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-12 04:43:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 37
Words: 239,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlittides/pseuds/moonlittides
Summary: With the recent discovery of the sire-bond and the revelation of the cure looming, Elena, Stefan and Damon are forced to question their relationships and are faced with their greatest challenge yet, as they embark on a journey that could potentially change their lives forever.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfiction I ever wrote and my longest to date. I published it on FF.net in 2015 and completed it in 2016. Since my account here is still new, I wanted to share it here for those that may want to read it but aren't familiar with FF.net. 
> 
> It's such a complex story that I couldn't even begin to explain it all with the tags or summary. The main thing to know is this is a complete rewrite for season 4 of the show and contains the entire ensemble of characters. It starts from the end of 4x08 and all events leading up to that episode remain canon, except that Damon and Stefan haven't found out how to break the sire bond (which they did in 4x08) and Elena doesn't know about the cure (which she found out about in 4x06), but Stefan and Damon do. Throughout the story there are canonical elements that I have put my own twist on combined with things I've completely rewritten. There is also dialogue that is taken straight from the show, so if any of it seems familiar, that's why. 
> 
> It's from Elena, Stefan and Damon's POV and is heavily focused on the Stefan/Elena/Damon triangle. Stefan and Elena's love prevails in the end, but Damon is equally as important as Stefan and Elena and not just the third point of the triangle.
> 
> The format of chapters and jumping between POV's (from chapter 4 onwards) might seem a bit odd to some, but I did it this way because I treated each chapter as an episode of the show and wanted readers to imagine the scenes in their mind as though they truly were watching the show. Also, because the three characters are often in different places or involved in different stages of the plot, it was important to get all three POV's in each chapters to bring the threads together and create the overall chapter/episode.

**ELENA**

The events of the last 24 hours have left me exhausted, but I tidy up the house in an attempt to distract myself from my thoughts.

I'm sired to Damon.

How's that even possible? At first I didn't believe it for a second. Caroline hates Damon and the sire bond is just her way of finding something to blame my actions on, so as to invalidate my feelings for him. I thought it was a low blow and couldn't believe her hatred for him was so strong that she would go to those lengths just to keep us apart, but after she'd explained it, the pieces started to fit together. I was unable to feed from animals or blood bags because Damon said I couldn't, I killed Connor because Damon told me to, and come to think of it I can't think of a single thing Damon has said or done since I've turned that I haven't agreed with, which is odd considering that usually I disagree with almost everything he says or does on both a moral and personal level.

More than anything I don't want it to be true, because I'm afraid of what it means and I'm still clinging to that final shred of hope that maybe it isn't, that Caroline is wrong and that her concocting this idea of the sire bond is because she doesn't approve of me being with Damon. But the evidence is plainly in front of me...how can I ignore that?

Unfortunately, the tidying doesn't quieten my mind and I replay Caroline's words over and over in my head. I haven't seen Damon yet and I'm anxious about what will happen when I do. Does he know yet, and if he does how does he feel about it? I don't even know how I feel about it yet. Just hours ago I was on top of the world following the night I'd spent with Damon, I was having fun with my best friends and I was high on the drug of discovering a new love, but now...I just don't know. I need some time alone to think, but I don't get that time, because a few seconds later I hear footsteps approaching.

"Elena, we need to talk," Damon says, as he appears in the doorway. "Me and Stefan..."

I already know what he's going to say, and I stop him before he gets the chance.

"I know I'm sired to you, Damon," I blurt out.

His eyes widen slightly in surprise.

"Oh."

"Caroline told me. That's what you and Stefan were doing, isn't it? Is there a way to break it?"

"We don't know yet," he says.

I sigh deeply. He's still across the room from me and when I look at him it stirs the same feelings in me that it has over the passing weeks. I feel nervous in his presence and my body reacts to him being near. I'm reminded of how it felt to dance with him, how the electricity and tension kept building between us with each passing second until it was unbearable and we had no choice but to give in to each other. How I feel is so strong that it's hard to believe that the sire bond could be solely responsible. I was so happy and assured yesterday morning when I woke up in bed next to him and I wish we could go back to that, so that I can linger in the happiness for just a while longer.

It seems to be an emerging pattern in my life that whenever I find some tiny shred of happiness, everything inevitably comes crashing down around me and I don't know how much more of it I can handle. I want to run to him and press my lips to his just to stop that from happening, but I can't ignore my conscience. No matter what I feel for him or how much I want it to be true, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sired to him and that means that everything I thought I was sure of I'm not anymore.

He doesn't say anything, because for once he doesn't know what to say and I remain quiet so that I can attempt to process and internalise how I feel about it all. I've only known for a few hours, and I can't decipher or separate my emotions or thoughts from one another. I know that Damon is desperate for me to say something to put his mind at rest and provide him with some comfort, but my head is spinning and I don't know what to do or say for the best. Do I do what's right or do I do what I want to do?

He inhales deeply and steps closer, reaching his hand out towards me, unable to withstand another second of silence, but I automatically shift away from him. My eyes flit up to him for a moment and I see his arm flop down by his side. A quiet, frustrated and defeated sigh escapes him and I hate to reject him, knowing how much pain it causes him. It seems that I'm always hurting someone with my actions lately - Damon, Stefan, Jeremy, Matt, Connor - and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to break free of that cycle. The feelings of self loathing and depression that I have carried since becoming a vampire return once more. The feelings that I thought being with Damon had erased.

"I'm sorry, Damon, we can't. I can't," I say quietly, my eyes on the ground.

"Why not?"

His question takes me aback. How can he not see how much this has changed everything?

"Why? Because I'm sired to you and we don't even know what that means. Tyler said that the sire bond only affects how you act and not how you feel but what if-?"

"Exactly. It doesn't affect how you feel. So, I guess the only important question is...how do you feel about me?"

He asks the question slowly, lingering on each word and I meet his eyes, which are intense with anticipation and anxiety. He holds my gaze unflinchingly, and even though I know how I feel for him, I can't act on it anymore. His hand goes up to my face and this time I don't stop him, despite knowing that I should. He rests his hand on my cheek and in a moment of weakness, I close my eyes and lean into him.

"Damon..." I say my voice dripping with uncertainty and longing. I take his hand and gently pull it away from my face and the small smile that had started to appear at the corner of his mouth slips away.

"Look, we'll find a way to break it and when we do-"

"Yesterday morning we were happy. You were happy," he says cutting me off mid-sentence. "Why does that have to change?"

"Because..."

"Because what? Huh? What about what Tyler said?"

Already his upset has given way to anger and I feel irritated at the childish, stubbornness he displays in trying to challenge me. After everything that has happened I expected more from him.

"I know what Tyler said, but he's a hybrid. Maybe it's different with vampires. Maybe it works differently, and if it does we need to know before-"

He rolls his eyes, like a sulky teenager.

"Look, I care about you, Damon, and no matter what happens that won't change, but what if-?"

"What if you only slept with me because of the sire bond?"

In an instant my irritation with him is obliterated and instead I see the Damon that I care about, the Damon that I've been falling in love with over these passing days, the Damon that is insecure and vulnerable, and wants nothing more than to be loved.

"No...that's not what I was going to say. Please, Damon, I just need you to understand..."

I break off mid sentence when I see that the expression on his face has suddenly changed. His eyes are wide and he's staring over my shoulder at something.

"What? What is it?" I inquire as I turn my head to follow his eye line.

My heart stops beating when I see that Stefan is standing in the doorway. I don't know how much he heard, but I fear the worst.

"Stefan..."

My throat is so dry, that I can scarcely breathe and when I say his name my voice comes out as nothing more than a strained whisper.

His eyes aren't on me or Damon, he seems to be looking right through us. Usually all I have to do is look into his eyes to know exactly what he's thinking and feeling, but I can't this time. I can't predict what he's going to do or how he's going to react, and it unsettles me. He stands rooted on the spot, his eyes wide and unblinking whilst Damon and I stand frozen, both of us paralysed by shock and dread and at a complete loss for words. Stefan suddenly turns on his heels and heads for the door and in a flash he's out of sight.

"Stefan, wait!" I instinctively call after him.

"Elena, don't," Damon says, grabbing my arm and holding me back.

"Damon, let go of me," I say firmly, wriggling from his grip.

He still hasn't adjusted to my new vampire strength and underestimates how powerful I am, so I manage to free myself and I take off after Stefan. When I get outside I can see that he's getting into his car that is parked in the driveway and in a second I'm at his side, pushing the car door shut with all my strength to prevent him from getting in.

"Stefan. Stefan, please," I beg.

I don't know what I'm going to say or how I'm even going to begin to explain, all I know is that I don't want him to go, not now. Not like this.

"Elena, let go." he says calmly.

"No. Stefan, we have to talk about this. Please," I plead.

He remains still and silent for a moment and then he grabs my arm and tosses me away from the car. I stumble back and I'm so stunned that by the time I have recovered, he has already sped off leaving a cloud of dust behind him.

"No..." I whisper.

"Elena?"

I turn to see Damon standing a few feet from me.

"Damon, what have we done?" I say in a wobbly voice.

I go into his arms and let him hold me, and I don't care that I'm not supposed to this time, because I need to. It's all come crashing down, just like it always does and right now Damon is the only person in the world that doesn't hate me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena reflects on the events of the last few months and her transition recent events, and tries to make sense of her complicated feelings for Stefan and Damon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intense, emotional chapter with Elena reflecting on heavy topics such as death, grief and depression.

**ELENA**

Later that night, I lie in bed tossing and turning, unable to switch my mind off. Stefan has been gone for over 6 hours and despite our numerous attempts to call him, he refuses to answer the phone. The last 24 hours have been emotionally draining, so I've retreated to my bedroom and for once I just want to be alone with my thoughts.

It's only been 4 weeks since I became a vampire and so much has happened in that short space of time, that I haven't had time to catch my breath. I've been treading water since then, trying to hold it all together, and this is the first time that I've been alone long enough to reflect on the events of the last few weeks. The second the bedroom door is closed behind me, the memories begin to bombard me, playing through my head on repeat, haunting and taunting me.

I re-live my final moments as a human - the water filling my lungs, the memory of my dad's eyes on mine when our car went off that same bridge the year previously, Stefan's arms reaching for Matt as the life drained away from me. Surprisingly I didn't feel fear in those moments, only peace.

After mom and dad died I was completely lost, a tumble weed blowing in the wind, with no purpose, no place that I belonged, but even then I never wanted to die. I fought for survival every single day, because part of me was still excited for the future and believed that it had to get better. But I'd always known that when the time came for me to die, there would be no reason I would rather give my life than to protect the people I love. That is a choice that so few receive, but one that I was privileged to be able to make. When I saw Stefan grab Matt from the car I willingly accepted death, just as I had the first time. It was looking into dad's eyes that made it easy then. Knowing I was going to die with him and mom with me, that wherever we were going next we would be together, that the last words I got to say were that I loved him - it made it easier, but the second time, I chose to die knowing that my sacrifice would allow Matt to have a future. He would live, be human, to go off to college, fall in love, travel the world, have a family, find happiness and have a lifetime of the possibilities and experiences, that I myself had always imagined I would have. Even if I wasn't going to have that same chance, I was comforted to know that I was at least able to give him that. Because of that death was simple, easy. It's only when I awoke in transition that I was afraid. That is when the nightmare began.

When I awoke I immediately knew I wasn't  _supposed_  to have woken up. It felt as though I had been ripped away from where I was meant to be, that my soul had been forced back into my body, when it belonged somewhere else. Everything felt wrong.  _I_ felt wrong _,_  as though I had been dissembled and put back together again, but none of the pieces fitted together anymore.

I had lost my entire identity. I wasn't Elena anymore, I was a vampire. Everything I valued about myself, everything I had hoped for in my future had been obliterated and I couldn't see an end to the misery. I was tired of fighting, and all I could see left of my future was darkness.

**Darkness and blood.**

All I wanted to do was give up, for the torment to finally end. Since the day my parents car went off the bridge it felt as though my life had become a constant struggle. I couldn't remember the last time I felt normal, and that's all I wanted - to have an ordinary life - but once I was a vampire the possibility of that was gone forever. The thought of completing the transition didn't even enter my mind, because the prospect of dying was more appealing than living forever as a vampire, and if there was such a thing as the after life at least I would be with my parents and Jenna again.

The only times I felt comfort in those first days of turning were the moments that I spent with Stefan. He would reach out to me and remind me that I was capable, that I was strong enough to survive and more importantly, that I was still worth saving. We were united then, both of us clinging to the same hope that Bonnie would concoct a magical solution so that I didn't have to become the very thing I dreaded becoming most, but once that hope had been crushed and I put those first drops of human blood to my lips, it wasn't long before it was Damon I sought solace in instead of Stefan.

On the surface me becoming a vampire should have brought Stefan and I closer. Being a vampire myself meant that I finally understood what it was to be a vampire in a way I never could have whilst I was still human. I had a deeper insight into the struggles and grievances that Stefan had always suffered and not only that, but I shared the same self-loathing of what I was that had always been Stefan's achilles heel. The loss of control, the power of the blood, the unbearable urge to rip into someone's throat every second of the day, the overwhelming guilt of hurting innocent people, the inability to ever lead a simple and uncomplicated existence – they were all the reasons that Stefan despised being a vampire and that made becoming a vampire the most traumatic experience of my life. But instead of these similarities bringing us closer together, as I expected, they instead pushed us apart.

Once I was a vampire, being with Stefan made me feel insecure and unworthy. I knew how much he loved me and how desperately he wanted me to get through the transition period, but I felt I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. I wasn't the Elena he had fallen in love with, I had been tainted with the same flaws that Stefan himself had developed when he became a vampire, except that unlike him I wasn't strong enough to overcome those urges to be a better person. I couldn't survive on animal blood and live my life as though nothing had changed, because  _everything_  had changed. I was a vampire and although a part of me was desperate to hold onto the person I was, another part of me wanted to experience every part of being a vampire and enjoy it for what it was, in the same way Damon did. I clung onto who I was and my relationship with Stefan for as long as I could, but I quickly realised that denying and running from the truth wouldn't change anything and that in order to survive I had to find a way to adapt so that I could accept who I had become and start to build a new future and a new me.

I didn't realise then, but my growing feelings for Damon are because of that. Unlike me and Stefan, Damon relishes in being a vampire. He's lived through the worst parts of being a vampire, but he's found a way to turn those negatives into positives. He's immoral, he feeds on innocent people, compels them, uses them for his own benefit, but he doesn't apologise for that or let the guilt consume him like Stefan and I do. He's found a way around it. He doesn't hide or run from it, he embraces it as part of being a vampire, which allows him to justify the things he does. That quality is what I used to dislike most about him, because it's what made him a terrible person, but when I became a vampire I needed that. It's part of what pulled me in, of what caused my feelings for Damon to grow.

After turning being with Damon made me feel lighter, and I started to find pieces of a new me that actually liked being a vampire. I couldn't deny the difference that he made to the way I felt about being a vampire, especially in comparison to Stefan. Stefan was in constant pain and overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety, because he felt responsible and understood more than anyone how devastated I was to be a vampire, and every time I looked into his eyes I was reminded of that pain that we shared and the guilt he felt, until it overwhelmed me so much that I had to run away from it.

I was so desperate to escape and to find some way of getting through the hardest part, that I clung to Damon and my feelings for him, because it was a white light at the end of a dark tunnel. He didn't feel any guilt or shame at me becoming a vampire, and in fact a small part of him was pleased, because now I would be in his life forever. When Damon looked at me there was an acceptance and hope in his eyes, that Stefan's lacked and that made me feel that I was free to grow and explore the new sides of myself. As I grew closer with Damon, I failed to see what was happening with my relationship with Stefan, because I didn't  _want_  to see it. A part of me knew that I was making a mistake, that I was doing something wrong, but I couldn't contemplate not having Damon in my life. He was my safety raft in the rough seas, and I needed him. I buried my head in the sand, grabbed onto him tight and with his support, I started to reach acceptance and the dark clouds began to drift away. It didn't matter that Damon was the one that was helping me do that instead of Stefan, all that mattered was that it was happening and that I was getting better, when I never thought I would.

In the same way that Stefan brought me back to life after I lost my parents, Damon helped me to find a way to live as a vampire. They both saved me in their own ways just by being in my life, but now...now they're gone. I've all but destroyed my relationship with Stefan and the events of the last couple of days mean that Damon and I are barely speaking.

I feel completely alone.

It's only now that I realise how much I have come to rely on the two of them to carry me through hard times. Whenever things get tough my instinct is to run to them for guidance and support, but this time I can't and I feel lost. I used to believe I was strong, but now I realise I'm not. Perhaps it's the love I have for them that has made me weak, or perhaps I've always been weak, but never realised it. All I know is that without them, there's only darkness left.

Thoughts of Stefan begin to fight their way through into my consciousness and I wonder where he is and what he's doing. It's almost 12am and he still hasn't returned home, and I can't help but worry about him. I've tried to call him well over a hundred times and left voicemail after voicemail pleading with him to call me back, even if it's just to let me know that he's safe. I reach for my phone and hover on his name again, before hastily slamming it down on the bedside table, knowing that it would be pointless to call, because he won't answer, just like he hasn't the other 133 times.

It's only been 72 hours since we broke up, and I've been so preoccupied with Damon that I'd forgotten about the consequences of that decision and what it meant to lose Stefan. I think back to what I said to Stefan moments before I tasted the first drops of human blood, when I chose him. Even now, I stand by every word I said. I loved him with a love that came from the very depths of my soul. It was pure and true, and even though I had some semblance of feelings for Damon as a human, they never came close to how I felt for Stefan. I can't help but contemplate what has changed since then that has caused me to leave Stefan and fall for Damon so suddenly...

I can think of only two things - I'm a vampire and I'm sired to Damon. I told Damon that I hadn't slept with him just because of the sire bond, and I truly believed that - and still do - but somewhere deep inside I doubt it too, because if I truly loved him, surely I would have realised that before the sire bond? I not once doubted my love for Stefan and yet with Damon all I seem to have are doubts.

Even after everything Stefan and I had been through, the second I thought that Stefan and Damon were about to die, I chose to be with Stefan and that is a choice that I made without hesitation. I died making the journey back home to him that night, and in what I thought were to be my final moments, l was with Stefan telling him that I'd chosen him because I loved him and that he was the best choice I'd ever made.

He's  _still_  the best choice I've ever made.

It's been just 18 months since that day when I collided with him outside the men's room, although it feels like so much longer than that. I can barely remember what my life looked like before he was in it, because in the short time he has been in my life he has become the center of it. The passion he awoke in me, the feelings of warmth and safety that being held in his arms provided me with, the excitable thrill when we danced, the happiness and love that we shared; it lit up my world. Even the struggles we faced and the painful memories I have are still so special to me, because I shared them with Stefan. I can't believe that after everything we went through and how hard we fought to be together, that this is what it's come to, and what's worse is that I'm the cause of it.

I know that Stefan would've willingly and happily given me eternity. He would've wiped away my tears when I was in despair, believed in me when I had lost all faith in myself, listened to my deepest fears and shared my greatest dreams. He would've held me as I slept at night, made me laugh until my sides hurt, made me feel treasured and loved, shared adventures with me and built a life with me. He would've stayed by my side and devoted every part of himself to me every day forever. But I chose to walk away from that,  _from him._  I've slept with his brother, betrayed him in the worst possible way and hurt him so deeply that I might as well have ripped his bleeding heart from his chest with my own bare hands. I've invalidated our relationship, taken everything we were and everything we could've been and thrown it onto the fire.

I feel that I'm almost choking on the thick black smoke that arises from that fire, and I know no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to put it out or recover the cinders enough to get back what we had. I'm responsible for destroying the most important thing in my life and I hate myself for it.

_I'm sorry, Stefan. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._

I have no right to cry about it, but I do. I cry for him, for the suffering I've caused him, but I also cry because despite everything I don't want to lose him. I've lost so many people already, and the thought of losing him is almost too painful to bear. The tears start to come harder, but I wipe them away hastily, frustrated that after everything I've done I'm still crying out of self-pity more than anything else.

* * *

I lie flat on my back in the darkness for the remainder of the night but memories are present in both my conscious and unconscious mind, preventing me from getting any real sleep, and even when I manage to drift off I'm awoken by nightmares.

I know that Damon lies awake in the next room, plagued by today's events and by thoughts and memories of his own, but I don't feel the urge to go to him or seek comfort in him. We're both suffering for our actions, and that is a grievance we share from a distance.

As the night wears on, the memories that I have attempted to suppress since turning slowly begin to return, memories that are so horrific and so painful that the only way I've survived up until now is by forcing them from my mind.

I see images of my reflection in the mirror, with the blood that my body rejected spewing from my mouth and splattering over the bathroom and the front of my dress, forcing me to see the monster I had become. I drown in the crippling intensity of emotions that have come to dictate my life - the loss, the pain, the uncertainty, the fear, the depression. I re-live the moments that my deepest fears came to life as a result of the Hunters' curse; the blood on the mirror spelling out the word ' **KILLER'** , the blank look on Connor's face as he stood before me with blood dripping from his neck from the lethal bite I'd inflicted on him, reminding me that I was the one responsible for ending his life. I hear Katherine confirming aloud every emotion and thought that has taunted me since the moment I awoke in transition. But out of everything, what I remember most is my mom. I felt such relief and joy when I saw her that I didn't even question whether or not she was real. I didn't care if I was dreaming or if she was a figment of my imagination, I only cared that she was there, that she was with me. Her guidance was the one thing that I knew I could rely on until the very end and when she told me to end my life because I was a monster, because it was the only way to protect Jeremy, I believed her. I replay those things that mom and Katherine said that night over and over and over, and I start to realise that they were right about everything.

_I am a monster._

I'm a monster in every sense of the word. I'm a creature of death and blood, the embodiment of pure evil and a danger to those around me.

I should've died when I went off the bridge. I cheated death not once but twice. I'm simply not supposed to be here anymore, and because I am all I'm doing is causing damage to myself and everyone around me. Stefan hates me, Jeremy wants to kill me, Damon can barely stand to be in the same room as me and Caroline has admitted that she doesn't like the person I've become.

I stood on the bridge that night, where I should've died, dropped my daylight ring into the quarry and I waited for the sun to rise, to turn me to ash. I wanted it more than anything. Not just because mom told me to and not just because I wanted to end my own torment, but because it is what was necessary to protect my brother, my friends, Stefan, Damon. I truly believed they were better off without me, that they would have a safer and happier existence if I was gone. I still believe that, because there's something deep inside me that is  _wrong_. Even before I was a vampire death and despair seemed to follow me everywhere I went, and it still does. The only difference now is that I  _am_  death and despair isn't following me, I'm the one  _causing_  it. No one can change that, no one save me, not Damon, not Stefan. Not anyone.

I'm damaged beyond repair.

It's at times like these that the intensity of my heightened emotions hits me. I feel guilt, pain, uncertainty, anger, love, depression, but unlike when I was human, the emotions I'm feeling don't all blur into one singular emotion. I can feel the heaviness of each of them, all weighing down on my heart and my conscience, until all I can do is cry.

The emotions take hold of me around the throat, gripping tight, until I can scarcely breathe through the pain that wracks my entire body. This time I don't have the strength to wipe away my tears, so I just cry and cry and cry, until my cries give way to sobs and sobs give way to howls.

* * *

The night soon fades to give way to dawn and I have no more tears to cry. I haven't managed to sleep a wink, and I'm physically and emotionally drained. Unfortunately, my cries haven't provided me with any relief like they usually would, and my mind is still in over-drive.

I pull back the curtains and peer outside to see if there's any sign of Stefan. I already know he's not here, because I would've heard if he'd come back, but a sigh still escapes me when I see that the driveway is empty. I texted Caroline yesterday to tell her about what happened, and she promised that she would keep an eye out and let me know if she heard from him. I check my phone for any missed calls from her or Stefan, but there's nothing and I throw my phone down in frustration.

I decide to take a shower in the hopes that the hot water will wash away the remnants of the last 24 hours and clear my mind. I turn the temperature up as far as it will go until the water is scalding me, but I remain standing under the flow and eventually some of my worries seem to drift up with the steam. I stand there for over half an hour with my eyes closed, thinking about nothing.

I realise that I don't have a change of clothes with me, so I sneak across the hall into Damon's room to retrieve the clothes I brought with me from home. Unlike me, he seems to have found no trouble sleeping, and before I even enter his room I can hear his slow, steady rhythmic breathing, letting me know that he's fast asleep. I manage to slip in and out without him stirring and dash back to my room to change. The hot water has made me more alert, but I still grab a cup of coffee and head to the roof to keep a look out for Stefan.

It's the first of December and although the sky is blue and the sun is bright, there's a winter's chill and freshness in the air that signals the beginning of a new month. It's such a beautiful day, that it's hard to believe that there could be anything wrong in the world, but that's not true of course, e _verything's_  wrong.

Up here, it's impossible for me not to think of Stefan. Last time I was up here I was watching the sun rise with my new vampire eyes. It was one of those rare moments in the first days of turning that I felt content, because I still had the hope that everything would be okay. I was still alive – technically – and Stefan and I were together. We would figure everything else out as it came. Together.

Thinking of that moment still makes me feel warm inside and I subconsciously take my right hand up to my chest and run my finger over the daylight ring, gently sliding it up and down my finger as I continue to reminisce. The bombardment of emotions that were overwhelming me just a couple of hours ago have passed now, and it's given way to a melancholy that I just can't seem to shake, and where there were a million things floating around my head, there's now only one thing I'm concerned about: Stefan.

With each hour that passes that he doesn't return home, the anxiety within me expands. I just need to know if he's okay. I take my phone out from my pocket, scroll down to his name and dial his number. I already know that he won't answer my call and it goes straight through to his voicemail, as I expected.

I close my eyes, bow my head and sigh deeply before saying, "Stefan, I know you're probably sick of me calling...but I'm worried about you. I have to know that you're okay. Just please, call me or Caroline or Damon, just to let us know you're okay. I just...Please call me, Stefan. I'm sorry."

There's so much more I want to say, but I hang up and clutch the phone to my chest, feeling defeated. I know that he wants me to leave him alone, which is why he's ignoring my calls and why he hasn't yet been home, but I can't stop trying to make it better and I never will. He doesn't deserve the pain that Damon and I have inflicted upon him with our selfish actions, and a part of me hates myself and Damon for doing what we've done to him. We're the two people that he trusted most, he was supposed to be able to count on us and we were supposed to protect him, but instead we're the reason that his heart has been shattered.

Despite their turbulent and complicated relationship I know that Damon loves Stefan just as much as me - if not more - but our actions seem to speak the opposite. It's hard to believe that we care for him at all considering what we've done and I can't stand the thought of Stefan thinking that, of being out there alone thinking that he's unloved by the two people he loves the most, because it's not true. It's not true at all, and that's why I will continue to call, why I'll keep leaving voicemail's, why I'll search the entire country to bring him home if I have to – because I need him to know that I still care...that I still love him.

The truth is, I never stopped loving Stefan, not when he turned off his humanity; when he threatened to drive me off Wickery Bridge; when I broke up with him; not even when I slept with Damon. My reasons for breaking up with him weren't because my feelings for him had faded or changed or even because I wanted to be with Damon, it was more that I  _couldn't_  be with him. Becoming a vampire, killing Connor, my developing feelings for Damon - it all put a strain on our relationship and put distance between us. Us being together just didn't seem to fit in the same way anymore and it would have been unfair for us to remain together with everything that was happening.

I never planned to sleep with Damon and certainly not 48 hours after breaking up with him, that was something that just happened. I had no control over it, but once it had happened I seemed to temporarily forget about Stefan. Damon took me away from reality. He and I created a fantasy world together, where there was only me and him. A world where Stefan didn't exist, where I didn't love him, where he wasn't Damon's brother, where it was okay for Damon and I to be together, and we were happy to be lost in that fantasy together, but that's all it was: a fantasy. In reality we could never be together. Damon has a loyalty and duty to his brother, and Stefan and I have always belonged to each other, even when we were apart. I broke that when I chose to give myself to Damon, but that doesn't change the fact that Damon and I being together is nothing more than a fantasy.

Is it a fantasy I want to cling to? Probably, but under the circumstances it would be impossible for me to continue with it or to allow myself to indulge in it for even a moment. Just thinking about it causes me to feel restless and conflicted. My future with Damon has always been something I'd rather not think about, but since finding out about the sire bond, it's something that is too complicated to even contemplate. All I know is that the feelings Damon and I have for each other and our future together, has to be put aside for now. Not just for Stefan's sake, but for all of our sake's.

I close my eyes and listen to the world around me, but it doesn't quieten my mind, and no matter how hard I try to switch my mind off, I can't seem to stop thinking about what will happen in the following days and weeks, particularly with Damon, Stefan and I. I've already started to see the consequences of what I've done, and I know it will get harder before it gets easier.

I've already been faced with the same impossible choice before - Stefan or Damon? Damon or Stefan? - and I can feel that it is a decision that I will have to make again, and maybe soon. At first it was a choice that I made without question, because there wasn't a choice. I loved Stefan with my whole heart and I chose him over and over again, and I never imagined that it would be any different, that I would ever choose anyone over Stefan - not even Damon - but I have. This time I've chosen Damon and it was a choice that I made without even realising, when I decided to sleep with him.

But what will my choice be this time?

When Stefan comes back and looks me in the eye and asks about what I want,  _who_  I want, what will I tell him? It's a choice I never want to make, not only because I don't want to lose either of them, but also because I want to protect them from the pain that comes with making it. I hate knowing that my actions have such a huge impact on them, especially since they've both already suffered at my hands on more than one occasion. When they chose to love me they handed over their hearts to me and I now hold them in the palm of my hands. I'm the one that is responsible for protecting their hearts, of keeping them whole and as much as I want to, I don't know how to, because whatever I do next and whoever I choose, one of them is going to get hurt.

Katherine's words echo in my mind.

_"It's okay to love them both, I did."_

I swore I would never be like her, that I would never repeat her mistakes, that I would never come between Stefan and Damon, but now it's clear to me that I'm more alike her than I would ever care to admit. I've fought against it and denied it for so long, but Katherine was right.

I  _do_  love them both, and just like her I'm unworthy of that love.

I'm keeping them both close so as to keep their feelings for me alive, and that is causing the resentment between them to build and when they ask me to make a choice I avoid it and continue to hold onto both of them, just because I'm too selfish to lose one of them.

It's as though history is repeating itself and I wonder if our love story will end the same way theirs did – with me being too selfish to make a choice and Stefan and Damon dying a bloody death for the love they have for me? I pray it will have a different ending this time. Katherine didn't choose because not only because was selfish, but also because she was incapable of real love, and of all our differences, that is the biggest one.

I  _love_  Damon and Stefan, I really do, and despite hurting them with my selfish actions and mistakes, I'm still driven by a desire to protect them. I have to have faith in that love and pray that it will be enough for me to do what is right by them, where Katherine failed to do the same. I have to believe that when the time comes I will find it in my heart to be strong and make that final choice, to save myself, but more importantly to save them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worried about Stefan, Elena recruits the help of Caroline to help her find him. Later, Bonnie invites Elena to the lake house to work on Jeremy's hunter urges and whilst she's there, Shane shares some interesting information with her that changes everything.

** ELENA **

When it reaches 10am and there's still no sign of Stefan, I decide to call Caroline to help me find him. Being the loyal friend that she is, she willingly agrees and we arrange for her to pick me up from the Boarding House at 12.

I leave the roof to go inside when I hear that Damon's awake. It's been an exhausting and lonely night and all I want is to be in his company to be reminded that I'm not completely alone. When I get inside I find him in the kitchen pouring a cup of coffee.

"I'll have one of those," I say as I enter the kitchen.

He grabs a second cup, fills it with coffee and hands it to me. I thank him and he nods in acknowledgement.

"You didn't sleep much either?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"Not at all," I reply.

We sip on our coffees in stony silence and as close as we were 48 hours ago, now an infinite distance separates us. Being in his presence doesn't ease the loneliness I feel as I hoped it would, and only makes me feel more alone. I've grown used to always having Damon around, of knowing that he will always be there if I need him but now I don't know where we stand or what we are to each other. We're stuck in purgatory, just waiting, waiting to see what will happen in the future and what we will become. He drifts off into the living room and despite neither of us seeming to have anything to say, I automatically follow him. He finishes the last of his coffee with one final gulp and pours himself a glass of bourbon.

"Little early for that, don't you think?" I say.

He shrugs and carries on filling the glass.

I sigh lightly and decide now isn't the time to argue with him, so instead I ask, "Have you heard from Stefan?"

He shakes his head. "Probably passed out somewhere after a night of boozing and ripping the heads off a bunch of sorority chicks," he states casually.

I cringe at the thought. After everything we went through to bring him back after Klaus stole his humanity and how hard he fought against his darkness to be the person he wanted to be, I can't bear the thought of him going back to that, of losing himself completely, and I certainly can't handle being the cause of it.

"Caroline's picking me up in a couple of hours. She agreed to help us find him, so you might want to lay off that," I say, gesturing to the glass in his hand that he is about to refill.

"What's the point? He'll come back when he's finished sulking," he replies flippantly.

"And what if he doesn't?" I ask.

He shrugs again and I roll my eyes. I know his carefree attitude is just a front and that he's as worried about Stefan as I am, but he's just doing what he always does when he hits a wall in his life - he's running away and drowning his sorrows. It's at times like this that I notice the difference between him and Stefan, because I know that if the situation was reversed Stefan would go to the ends of the earth to bring Damon back and earn his forgiveness.

"You can stay here and pretend you don't care, but I'm going to find him," I snap, my patience wearing thin.

He rolls his eyes. "He doesn't want to see us. He's made that clear from the one trillion phone calls he's ignored," he retorts.

"That doesn't matter. We still have to try."

"And what are you going to say to him when you do find him, Elena? Let me guess, you're going to blame the big bad sire bond for you jumping into bed with me?"

"Of course not," I reply with a frown. "Look, Damon, I know that with everything that's happened you're upset and confused–"

"Oh, I'm not confused, Elena. I love you, I thought you loved me, I found out about the sire bond and now I'm done."

I fall silent for a moment, and stare at him unsure of what to say.

"What do you mean you're...done?" I ask.

"I mean, I'm done."

I sigh and step towards he's sat on the couch. "Damon, I have no idea what's going to happen next, all I know is that we have to find Stefan and try and get through the next few days, and the only way we'll be able to do that is if we stick together. Be angry, be upset, but don't take it out on him. We hurt him and we have to do whatever we can to fix it."

He rotates the glass in his hand and stares down at the swirling liquid, a frown on his face and his lips purse.

"Okay?" I say, my voice firm.

His eyes shift up to me and he glares for a moment, before getting up from his seat then and saying, "Sure, Elena, whatever you say," before grabbing a bottle of bourbon off the cabinet and sauntering out of the room.

I watch him leave and flop down onto the couch, slapping my hands to my head. Speaking to him has only reminded of the mess we're in and I realise that not even Damon has the power to help me escape from reality this time.

* * *

In typical Caroline style, she arrives at the Boarding House 20 minutes early. When she steps through the door she bumps into a drunken Damon in the hall and I hear her let out a frustrated groan and yell at him to watch where he's going. I get up and go to greet Caroline, but she's so desperate to get away from Damon that she marches past me with a brief "hey". Damon traipses behind her, his eyes bleary and the fumes from his breath are evidence that he's finished the bottle of bourbon he took to his room earlier.

"So I guess you're not helping look for Stefan?" she says to Damon disapprovingly.

I see Damon begin to open his mouth and know that he's going to bite back at her, so I stop him before he has the chance.

"No, he's staying here in case Stefan comes back," I reply, eager to diffuse the situation before it escalates any further.

Caroline glares at Damon through narrowed eyes and to my surprise Damon walks over to the table, grabs another bottle of bourbon and disappears without another word.

"Seriously, that guy gets me so–"

"Caroline, stop," I say reaching out and placing my hands on her arms, before she reaches full blown bitch-about-Damon-and-everything-he's-ever-said-or-done mode. "We have more important things to deal with right now," I remind her.

"Right, of course, sorry," she says before perching herself on the couch and pulling out her phone. "I've got a few ideas of where Stefan might be and I thought we could look here first," she says pointing to a bar just outside of Mystic Falls.

I nod and she goes on with determination on her face. She begins concocting a plan of exactly where we're going to look and the routes we're going to take, she even pencils in a lunch break! As I continue to listen to her a smile comes across my face, because despite her perfectionist attitude and bossy ways driving me crazy at the best of times, I don't know what I'd do without her.

Bonnie offered to do a locator spell to find Stefan, but she's with Shane and can't do it until later on tonight, so we decide to use the afternoon to search the town in the hopes of finding him ourselves. The two of us don't talk much aside from where to go or where to park, but being in Caroline's company does what being in Damon's failed to do and makes me feel less alone.

"Well, we've looked here and here and here, and…yeah, here," I confirm, as I run my finger over the map on my lap, checking off all the places we've already searched. "I guess, we could try here. Or here."

"But that's a 2 hour drive out of town," she replies, looking at me through wide eyes.

"And? If we leave now we'll make it back before dark."

"And if he's not there, we'll have wasted 4 hours on a dead end lead. We've searched every bar in a three mile radius and haven't found him. What makes you think he would be in any of these places?" she asks gesturing at the map.

"I don't know, Caroline!" I explode. "Stefan's missing and probably hates me and Damon is...well, Damon. He refuses to help find Stefan and he can barely even look at me since he found out about the sire bond. I'm just trying to keep it all together, but it's...it's all falling apart and…I...I just...I don't know what to do," I admit, my emotions bumbling out of me all at once.

I hear her sigh sympathetically and then look over to her and apologise. "None of this is your fault, I shouldn't be taking it out on you," I say my head down. "I just...I need to find him."

"I know and we will," she says in a soft voice. "With everything you've been through lately…I know that it must be hard for you. I said some harsh things about you and Damon the other day, but you're my best friend and I'm here for you. We'll find Stefan and everything will be okay."

She reaches out to stoke my arm and I look up to her face. She's smiling warmly and empathy and love shine in her eyes, and I know that she means what she says. She might not like Damon or approve of my feelings for him, but she cares about me and will always support me in whatever or whomever I choose.

"I ended it with him," I say. "Damon, I mean."

I didn't expect to talk about Damon and especially not with Caroline, but I need to tell someone.

"Oh..." is her only response.

"It's for the best. Even if I did want to be with him, now wouldn't be the right time with Stefan and everything..."

She nods.

"And do you think you'll want to be with him once the sire bond is gone?" she asks.

Unlike Bonnie who is better at concealing her personal feelings towards Stefan and Damon, Caroline displays a clear preference to Stefan and I can tell by the way in which she asks the question that she doesn't think I will. She thinks my actions regarding Damon are solely dictated by the sire bond but she doesn't understand how I feel about him, because I've never been able to talk to her about it. She's so blinded by her hatred for him, that even if I tried to explain she would never see what I see in him or understand what it is about him that could possibly make me love him. The strangest thing is, I understand because I remember how I felt about Damon when I first met him, too. He represented everything that I believed to be wrong in the world and I detested him. He killed innocent people, he hurt those that I loved - Caroline, Jeremy, Ric, even Stefan - and I hated him for it. I still remember everything he did and how it made me feel, but I no longer associate it with him because the Damon I know now is a different person to me. I know he is capable of goodness, of compassion and love, and that is what I choose to see.

"I–I don't know..." I stammer. "A part of me thinks that I will, but then there's this whole thing with the sire bond and–"

"Stefan," she interjects.

I nod. "I know I broke up with him and I know that it's my fault that things have gotten this bad, but no matter what I do, I just...I can't–I can't give up on him."

"You still love him."

There's no question in her voice, because she's just stating a fact. I love Stefan and I always have, everyone knows that. Well, everyone except the one person that needs to know most.

I nod.

"And what about Damon? Before you found out about the sire bond you told me and Bonnie you were falling in love with him. Did you really mean that?"

I pause for a moment, and meet her eyes nervously. "Honestly...I don't know. I still feel...something," I admit.

I wait for her response, wait for her to criticize me or scald me for feeling the way I do about Damon - even now when I know about the sire bond and should know better - but she doesn't. She just reaches her hand out and takes mine in hers and when I look up she is smiling at me with a warmness and sincerity that comforts me enough that no words are necessary.

"Let's carry on looking," she says before turning on the engine and driving off.

* * *

Bonnie texts at around 6pm to let us know that she's with Jeremy at my parents lake house and can't make it to us to do the locator spell, so Caroline and I spend the rest of the evening searching every nook and cranny of the town for some sign of Stefan. When it reaches 9pm we accept defeat and head back home, our moods blue and our bodies exhausted. Caroline drops me off at The Boarding House and with words of gratitude and appreciation exchanged and a warm embrace, she leaves. I remain outside for a while because I'm not ready to face Damon. I know he'll be drunk and that combined with his terrible mood means that I will no doubt be faced with the uglier side to him, and after the day I've had I don't have the energy.

The night is cold but calm and the sound of the leaves swaying on the trees soothes me. For the first time in weeks the world falls completely silent. There were times when I was with Stefan and it was just the two of us that the same would happen. Everything would go quiet, and all that could be heard was the beating of our hearts and the rhythm of our breathing, so perfectly in sync that it was as though we were of the same flesh. I can still see his eyes gazing back at me, burning with passion and adoration and a love so profound that it made my soul quiver. Even thinking of it now causes the hairs on my body to stand on end.

I miss him  _so_  much.

It feels like it's been so long since I shared one of those moments with him, where all of my worries evaporated and the rest of the universe slipped away. I hadn't realised until now how much I missed that sense of peace that being with him brought. The heightened emotions that kept me awake last night now allow me to rest, as my entire body becomes as one with the nature that surrounds me. Although I'm in standing in one spot, I feel the world open up around me. I can smell the damp soil beneath my feet, feel the gentle wind that encircles me, hear the wildlife scurrying about from meters away. I often did the same when I was human - stood in the backyard, looked up at the stars and forgot about the outside world for a few minutes. Looking up at those stars and knowing that there was an entire galaxy beyond that with endless universes and undiscovered planets made me feel so small and insignificant, but I found comfort in that, because it put everything into perspective and forced me to stop thinking of myself and my problems for just a short while.

I have that same feeling of tranquility and peace, but my senses are so intricate now that I'm a vampire that I experience it in a completely new way. I'm transported through time and I can feel every season this patch of grass that I'm standing on has ever seen - the blaring sunshine of the hot summers, the icy chill of snowy winters, the violent thunderstorms and crisp autumn evenings. I can feel it all as though I'm living it right now. For a moment I even believe that I can see a youthful Stefan and Damon, with rosy cheeks and goofy smiles playing on the grass happily, united as brothers long before the love they bear me tore them apart.

The heightened emotions and senses, the grief that could cripple you, the happiness that could cause you to fly - it's exactly how Stefan had described being a vampire, but it's only now when I get that first taste of the good parts of being one that it really resonates with me that I'm a vampire.

 _I'm a vampire_.

I still have my old life; I live in the same town I've lived in since I was born, I'm still at the school that is so familiar to me that I could make my way through the corridors even if I was blind, I still have the friends that I've grown up with since I was a child, I still have my little brother and the emotions I feel are still so human that aside from those times when I'm craving blood, it's easy to forget how different I am now. I didn't just die when I went off that bridge, I became a completely different species and aside from remnants of a once human life, physical appearances and raw emotions there is  _nothing_  about me that is human.

I've fought so hard against the person I knew I'd always become as a vampire, that I failed to see that I've already become that person. I see the world through new eyes now, experience it completely differently. My perception of everything has changed in ways I never imagined - my morals, my instincts, my feelings, my dreams, my fears - it's all changed. Usually I would see that as a negative thing, but standing here now I forget all of that. I just let my senses take over and they drown out the noise in my head and allow me to get my first taste of the beauty and wonder of being a vampire instead of the tragedy and grief. I become so engrossed in the surroundings, that it takes me a while to notice that there are strange sounds coming from the house. My eyes shoot open and when I focus on the noise, I hear crashes and smashes accompanied by disgruntled shouts. The muscles in my body flex and in an instant I'm inside the house.

There are shattered glasses, broken and toppled over furniture, and two blurs flying around the room violently destroying everything in their path.

"Oh, my god," I whisper to myself in relief and horror. It takes a few moments for my body to react to what's going on, but when I do, I rush over to rip them apart.

"Stefan! Damon! Stop!" I yell, throwing myself into the middle of their brawl.

Damon yields immediately at the sound of my voice, but Stefan is so enraged that he continues to lurch at Damon. I've seen Stefan's temper on more than one occasion, but it still surprises me how someone so gentle can be so ferocious. His eyes are wide and wild with fury and I use all my strength to push him away from Damon, but he continues to resist.

"Stop! Stefan, stop! Stefan!" I yell.

Eventually he stops struggling and I stand between the two of them. Damon wipes the blood from his face and spits some onto the ground.

"I've tried to tell him, Elena, but he won't listen to me," Damon says, not taking his eyes off Stefan, who is still snarling at him.

"Tell him? Tell him what?" I ask exasperated.

"He thinks I used the sire bond to break you up and trick you into sleeping with me."

"What?" I say exasperated. I look to Stefan, but he doesn't meet my eyes. "Stefan, let's sit down and talk about this."

"Talk? Talk about what, Elena?" he spits through gritted teeth. " _You slept with Damon_."

Hearing him say it aloud and seeing the devastating consequences of my actions standing before me, causes me to feel more shame and guilt than I ever thought possible and all I want to do is to curl up into a ball and disappear.

"I'm sorry, Stefan. I'm so sorry. You have to believe that I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted that."

The anger falls from his face for a moment to give way to his pain, and even now I'm so tuned into him that his pain becomes mine and I feel it taking hold of my heart, squeezing until I feel like I can't breathe.

"I'm sorry," I say again my voice quiet. "I'll do anything, just please...we have to fix this...just...stay. Please,  _stay_." My voice is wobbling and cracking with emotion as I speak. I automatically reach my hand out to touch him arm, but see his eyes flick down to it and I quickly pull away and let my hand fall by my side.

"Please, Stefan. All I want is to make this right. Please." I'm begging him as though my life depends on it, and it almost feels that way.

He regards me for a few moments and then looks over my shoulder to Damon with contempt and shakes his head in disgust, before leaving the room. This time I don't call after him or even try to chase him, because I know it won't help. Instead I just watch him walk away through tear filled eyes, the agony inside me swelling with every step that he takes. I feel Damon's hand on my arm, but I just keep my eyes fixated on the door that Stefan has disappeared through, too devastated to do anything else.

* * *

The next 24 hours I spend lost in a cloud of fog, distant from everyone, including Damon. He's thrown himself into finding a way to break the sire bond as a way to avoid what is happening with Stefan, whilst I take salvage in my bedroom. I want to break the sire bond just as much as him, and I know I should be helping him to find a way to do that, but I can't focus on anything right now. Instead I remain in solitude, drowning in despair as I continue to mull over the events that have taken place since I became a vampire.

I lost my parents in a car crash that almost killed me, watched my biological parents die, stood by as the life was drained from Jenna's body, lost Alaric who was the only remaining parental figure that Jeremy and I had and died myself. I've suffered so much death and loss over the years, yet somehow I've been strong enough to get through all of that, but this time I don't have any strength left and I just want to give up. Stefan has disappeared again and hasn't spoken to Damon or me since I broke up their fight and with each hour that passes I lose hope that I will ever be able to fix what I've done.

My phone buzzes and I shoot up and reach for it frantically, with the hope that it's Stefan. It's a text from Bonnie.

"Still at the lake house with Jeremy, trying to break through his Hunter urges. I know that now isn't the best time, but would be really great if you could come."

I hesitate for a moment, but then reply with a simple: "I'm on the way."

The truth is I need a distraction, and if there's any way to stop Jeremy from having the urge to rip my heart out every time he sees me, I want to do it. I feel lonelier than I have in a long time and I know being able to go back home and be under the same roof as my brother will make a world of difference.

I shower and change in 15 minutes, and when I get downstairs Damon has his nose in a book that he then throws across the room, letting out a frustrated groan. I notice that there are thousands of books scattered around the room and guess that he hasn't had any success in finding a way to break the sire bond. I decide not to mention it, because I know that doing so will only remind us both of how hopeless our situation is.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he replies.

"Bonnie texted, she's with Jeremy at the lake house trying to help him with his Hunter urges, so that he doesn't want to kill me," I laugh lightly, but he doesn't crack so much as a smile. "I'm going up to help out."

He doesn't say anything, he just nods. Usually he would insist on coming with me, but he doesn't and although I don't want him to come, it only reminds me of how little he is himself. I've never known him to be so quiet, so passive. He no longer argues with me or disagrees with what I say, he just idly stands by or nods. I'd always found his stubborn streak and his need to argue with me at every turn infuriating, but I find myself missing it because it's what makes Damon Damon. I know that the change in him is because of the sire bond. He's terrified of saying anything out of turn in case the sire bond takes effect and I'm forced to obey him against my wishes, and the truth is, I'm afraid of that too. We still have no reliable information on it and no understanding of how it works, and that means that we've turned to avoiding each other as much as possible and limiting our communications to one or two conversations a day. We've become so unfamiliar with each other and it only makes what I'm going through even harder. I watch him from across the room and I'm overwhelmed with the urge to run into his arms and put an end to the distance between us, because more than ever I need his support and I know that if we have any chance of fixing things with Stefan he and I have to do it together.

"I'll call you," I say.

He has his nose in yet another book and this time I get a "mmm-hmm" to accompany his nod. I know I won't get anything more from him, so I sigh inwardly and head out.

* * *

When I arrive at the lake house Bonnie greets me with a hug and I immediately feel better for seeing her.

"How are you holding up?" she asks.

I nod. "Okay."

She tilts her head to the side and raises her eyebrows, because she knows me well enough to know that I'm lying. I let out a light laugh and she threads her arm through mine and leads me inside.

When I see Jeremy my instinct is to run to him and wrap my arms around him, but I don't. I notice Shane in the background and feel assured that with his and Bonnie's combined efforts we'll succeed in our mission. Bonnie steps over the threshold and goes to Jeremy's side. He looks nervous, but pleased to see me and now that I see him I realise how much I've missed him.

I hesitate at the threshold, uncertain and I see him look to Bonnie nervously. She gives him a nod of encouragement, which seems to give him a surge of strength and then instructs me to come inside. I step through the door and go up to him. I meet his eyes and I see a warmness in them that tells me that he's just as happy to see me as I am to see him. As much as I want to hug him, I don't, instead I simply stroke his arm gently, but as I'm passing by him to get to the couch, he grabs me. My body instinctively goes on the defensive and in one swift motion I grab the stake from his hand, dash behind him and grab hold of him around the neck.

"This is going to be harder than we thought," Shane says.

* * *

For the rest of the afternoon Shane and Bonnie work with Jeremy. Shane explains that in order to change Jeremy's urge to kill me he needs to rewire his mind and change the associations he makes when he sees me, so that he stops seeing me as a vampire and starts seeing me as his sister. A lot of what Shane tells me about how it works goes over my head, but I trust Bonnie and Bonnie trusts him, so I stand by and watch as he hypnotizes Jeremy and asks him questions about how he feels about vampires, how he feels about me.

For over two hours I sit and listen to my brother talk about me with more hatred than I ever knew he was capable of harboring. Hearing him refer to me as an abomination and a monster and admitting that he wants to take a stake and ram it into my heart to end my life...it tears me up inside and it takes all I have to hold it together. After more than 10 attempts at Shane's technique with no change, we decide to take a break and Bonnie disappears with Jeremy leaving me alone with Shane. I've only met Shane twice and I'm really not in the mood to make pleasant small talk with him, so I get up to leave the room but before I can he clears his throat and strikes up conversation. I groan quietly before turning to head towards him.

"So, Elena…have you thought any more about the cure?" he asks. "It's just that I could really use all the help I can get with this and—"

"The  _what_?"

"The cure."

"Cure for what?" I ask puzzled. He's caught my attention now and the excuse for leaving that was on the tip of my tongue just seconds ago falls away. I turn and step closer to him.

He sits back in his seat and his eyebrows furrow together and says, "You mean...Stefan and Damon didn't tell you? I'm sorry, I just assumed that—"

"Stefan and Damon? What have they got to do with this? Tell me what?"

Shane sighs and Bonnie steps through the door just as he's about to explain.

"Shane, wait. I'll tell her," she says.

"Bonnie?" I say, my voice wobbly with uncertainty. "What's going on? What's he talking about?"

Bonnie comes up to me and places her hand on my back. "You should sit down," she says gently.

I don't argue and simply obey, sensing that what she has to tell me is serious. She sits beside me and takes my hands in hers.

"There's a cure, Elena. A cure for vampirism."

I hear the words go past me, but they don't really sink in.

"But—no—wha—that can't be—how's that even possible?"

"The Hunters' mark, the tattoo, it's the start of a map to a cure."

I shake my head. "If there were such a thing as a cure someone would've found out sooner, another vampire."

Bonnie shakes her head. "Not if they weren't looking in the right place," she replies.

"How—how did you find about this?" I ask her.

"I still don't know the details, you'll have to ask Stefan or Damon. All I know is that Klaus was the one that told Stefan, Stefan told Damon and Damon came to Shane for help and that's when I found out."

I inhale deeply. "Why didn't anyone tell me any of this?" I ask quietly shaking my head in disbelief.

"I didn't want to tell you until I was sure it was true," she replies. "We couldn't take Klaus' word for it, we had to find out for ourselves, we had to work out if it was true and what to do next, and that's what we've been doing. We've been reading up and—"

"But how do we know that it's true? Just because it's in a book, that doesn't mean anything. There's no real proof," I say, still skeptical.

"It is based on a story," Shane interjects. "The story is this; once upon a time there was a witch named Silas, who loved a girl and wanted to be with her forever. So he and his best friend - another witch - made an immortality spell. But Silas' best friend got jealous and killed Silas' girl before he had the chance to make her immortal."

I listen to him intently, as I try to absorb his words and truly let them sink in.

"Well, cursed to an eternity without his one true love, Silas finds a way to reverse the immortality spell and then before he has a chance to take it, his former friend buries him underground, leaving him and the cure to rot."

"So, it's a cure for immortality?" I ask Shane as I try to get to grips with the overload of information.

Shane nods.

"The Hunters' sole purpose is to destroy all vampires, a cure is the way to do that. It's the ultimate weapon and the tattoo leads us right to it. Right to Silas," Bonnie says.

I look from him to Bonnie and back, still not believing what I'm hearing.

"Me and Shane are going help Jeremy and once he's completed his mark, we'll find the cure for you, Elena. I promise."

Bonnie smiles at me warmly and I inhale deeply. Since the second I became a vampire all I've wanted is to be human again, but now that I'm being told that it's a real possibility all I have are questions and excuses.

"How does he do that?" I ask. "How does he complete his mark?"

She inhales deeply. "He has to kill more vampires."

"No, no, no. I won't let Jeremy become a killer just so that I can have the cure. No," I say adamantly, gesturing my hands and shaking my head.

"It's the only way," Shane says.

His words anger me. He doesn't know Jeremy, he doesn't know the hell he's been through over the last couple of years and I refuse to put him through any more just so I can find a cure that may or may not exist.

"Why do you want to find the cure anyway? You're not a vampire, so why would you want it? What do you have to gain?" I say, turning on him.

"Elena," Bonnie says scathingly.

Shane chuckles lightly and says, "It's okay, Bonnie. You're right, Elena, I don't care about the cure, I care about Silas. Until now he's just been a myth, so I'm not doing this for the cure, I'm doing this for him. For the research."

I raise my eyebrows at him suspiciously, unable to understand why one person would risk so much all for  _research_.

"Shane can help, Elena. Not just with Jeremy, but with finding the cure. Isn't that what you want?"

I sigh deeply and stammer, not knowing what to think or how to feel.

"We have mutual interests, Elena. If we work together we can both get what we want," Shane says.

I take a moment to mull over what he's said and then ask him to give Bonnie I a moment alone. He agrees, telling us he will go to check on Jeremy and the second the door's closed behind him I swivel on the couch to face Bonnie.

"What's wrong?" she inquires. "I thought you'd be happy. You never wanted this, you never wanted to be a vampire and now you don't have to be. You can be human again, Elena."

"I know, I know, but something about this just doesn't add up. If there was a cure for vampires, how come we're only just finding out now? If Klaus had known all this time why wouldn't he have looked for it himself? And why did he tell Stefan? Surely he would want to keep something like that a secret?"

Bonnie shrugs.

"And we don't really know anything about Shane, how can we trust him? This is just—it's too good to be true."

"I know," she replies sympathetically. "But Shane's helping with Jeremy, isn't he? And I know you don't really know him, but I trust him. He's really helped me with my magic over the last couple of weeks, and I believe him when he says that he knows what he's doing. Do you really think I would have let him tell you any of this or help out with Jeremy if I didn't believe that?"

"I know and you know that I trust you, it's just just..." I sigh deeply. "I have so much going on right now and I just can't even think about this. First I need to fix things with Jeremy and Stefan and Damon, maybe after I've done that I could turn my attention to the cure."

"The cure is the solution to all of those problems. Jeremy only wants to kill you because you're a vampire, you're sired to Damon because you're a vampire. If you were human again—"

"Wait, what?"

"If you were human again you—"

"No. What did you say about the sire bond?"

"You're only sired to Damon because you're a vampire," she states.

Suddenly the pieces in my mind start to fall together. If I take the cure and become human again the sire bond will no longer exist. It will be gone, I will be free. It won't magically fix what's happened with Stefan and Damon, but at least I will have a clear head and we will finally be able to figure things out, without any interference from the sire bond. In an instant the cure goes from being at the bottom of my priority list to the top.

"Okay...I'll—I'll do it. I'll help find the cure," I say reluctantly.

"You will?" she says with a hopeful smile.

I nod and she reaches over to hug me.

"What about Stefan and Damon?" she asks leaning back from our embrace. "You need to talk to them about all of this."

I sigh deeply. I know I've hurt both of them with my actions lately, but a part of me can't help but be mad at them for hiding something this important from me and I dread having to have a conversation with them about all of this.

"Wait, so how long have they known?" I ask.

Bonnie shrugs. "Damon came to Shane a couple of days ago just after he found out, but I think Stefan's known for longer. Maybe a week."

I journey back over the events' of the last week and suddenly Stefan's strange behaviour starts to make sense. His desperation to keep Connor alive, the secrecy and lies that surrounded that, which continued to put distance between us and push me further into Damon's arms. I doubted him, distrusted him, but he wasn't betraying me or doing anything wrong, he was trying to protect me. He was carrying the heaviest secret in existence and trying to hide it from me whilst he figured out what to do next. Damon was right. Everything Stefan has been doing is for me.

 _Oh, god. What have I done?_ I feel the bile rising in my throat as I realise how blind and foolish I've been.

"Are you okay?" Bonnie asks softly. "I know how much this is to take in, but—"

"I'm fine," I lie, as I attempt to bury the emotions that are threatening to spill out.

"Elena, you're not alone in this. We're all here for you and we'll find this cure together."

My eyes well up at hearing her say the same words Caroline said to me just 24 hours ago. How did I ever get so lucky as to have such amazing best friends? I lean forward and take her into my arms again, sniffling as I do so. Shane enters the room and interrupts our tender moment, much to my dismay and Jeremy appears in the doorway right behind him. The sight of Jeremy causes me to let go of Bonnie and jump up from my seat. His eyes are watching me intently from across the room, he has a stake held in his hand and my body tenses as I reach for Bonnie's hand for support.

"It's okay," Bonnie whispers in my ear reassuringly, before walking past me to go to Jeremy.

When she reaches him she stands on her tiptoes and leans into him. She says something in his ear, but I can't hear it over the sound of my heart thudding in my chest. I continue to look at him doubtfully.

"Elena, don't move, okay? No matter what," Bonnie tells me.

Jeremy keeps his eyes locked on me and I feel my vampire instincts bubbling to the surface. I've always had strong survival instincts, but since becoming a vampire they've become amplified and are as powerful as my craving for blood.

"Jeremy remember the detour. Choose the right path," Shane says.

Jeremy steps forward but Bonnie blocks his way. His eyes look down upon her, and after a few moments he hands the stake over to her. With it in her hand, she steps aside and he continues towards me. I know that Bonnie has the stake, but that doesn't stop me from being wary as he draws closer. My breathing becomes shallow and it's only when he reaches me and pulls me into his arms that my body relaxes and relief surges through me. He holds me tight and I wrap my arms around him, returning his hug and a smile comes across my face as I nestle into him.

Despite knowing his hatred for me stemmed from his instincts as a hunter, his rejection still cut me deep because of all the fears I carry the one that taunts me most is the thought that becoming a vampire has turned me into a monster. To believe that of myself has been difficult to handle, but for Jeremy to think that of me...it's been unbearable. Of all the things that I am, being his sister is the most important part of me and knowing that I still have his love and acceptance temporarily erases every shred of self-loathing that is inside me.

I remain in his arms and for the first time since turning I feel like me again, like the old Elena.

I'm not a vampire or a killer, I'm a sister. I'm just a sister.

* * *

Shane leaves shortly after that and despite still having questions to ask him about the cure, I'm grateful that he does. I've had an overload of information today and I'm mentally drained.

I stay at the lake house with Jeremy and Bonnie until dark. We don't talk about the cure or anything related to the supernatural, and for just a few hours the three of us forget about the problems that we face. We talk, laugh, eat dinner, hang Christmas decorations and share fond memories from our childhood. Being in their company brings me a sense of belonging and completeness that I only feel when I'm with family. I forgot how good it felt to be able to be in Jer's company without fearing for my life, without being paranoid about when he would next lurch at me with a stake. I'd taken it forgranted because he was always there, but now I appreciate it and soak it up whilst I have the chance.

Bonnie and Jeremy decide to stay at the lake house for a couple more days to work some more on his Hunter urges, but I see a glint in their eyes that tells me they have other plans. When it comes to leaving them I feel a pit of sadness in my stomach and feel my eyes stinging with the tears I haven't yet cried. I hug Bonnie goodbye, thank her for her help and she reassures me that everything will be okay. It's a promise that has been made so often lately by so many people, but no matter how many times I hear it, I still don't believe it. It's harder to say goodbye to Jeremy and I wish more than anything that he could come back with me and that the two of us could go back home and sleep in our own beds, where we should be.

"Everything's going to be okay," he tells me, and this time I  _do_  believe it. He's the one person I love and cherish most, and as long as I have him everything will be okay.

"I know," I say with a smile, tears glistening in my eyes.

He steps forward and I hold him close.

"I love you, Jer," I tell him.

"I love you, too."

I keep my arms around him for a couple of minutes, until I find the strength to let go.

"I'll call you," I say.

He nods and as I'm climbing in the car he says, "Travel safe."

He and Bonnie stand together on the drive and watch me leave. I notice that they're hand in hand and I smile to myself. There is no one I would trust more than my best friend to care for my little brother and I feel comforted and assured to know that they have each other.

The journey home is one that I don't want to make because I know that when I get back home I'll have to face reality, but for at least a little while longer that doesn't matter because I know that whatever I face next I still have my brother. I can drown in a river of despair, spiral into a void of depression, lose myself in the fog of being a vampire, but as long as I still have Jeremy I know I will always find my way back to myself, because he is my anchor.

* * *

I arrive back at the Boarding House a little before 11pm and find Damon still in the living room, surrounded by an even bigger mountain of books and papers and empty bourbon bottles. His blue mood hits me like a cloud of smoke, filling my lungs until I feel like I'm choking on it and all of the happiness inside me dissipates instantly.

"You're back," he states.

"Yeah," I say stepping into the room.

I look around for any sign of Stefan but see nothing and know that if he had been back Damon would've already told me.

"How'd it go with little Gilbert?" he asks.

"Good. Really good, actually. Bonnie and Shane did something, I don't know what, but whatever it was, it worked. I think he's going to be okay."

I leave out the part about how happy my day has been and how I really didn't want to come back. I also fail to mention that I know about the cure. It's been such an exhausting day that I can't face having that conversation today. I just need sleep.

"Shane?" he asks with a worried expression on his face. "You didn't mention he was going to be there."

He's worried that Shane might've revealed the truth about the sire bond, and he has, but I don't tell him that.

"Bonnie invited him, she thought he could help Jeremy."

He discards the book in his hand and turns his attention to me. "Did he—did he say anything?"

"About what?"

"Just about anything. About why he's helping Jeremy or—"

"Nope," I lie.

He nods and I hear him sigh under his breath with relief.

"Anyway, I'm exhausted. Goodnight."

"Night," he replies quietly.

I float up to my room, brush my teeth and hair, change and sink into bed. Everything is still as messed up as it was this morning, except that my brother no longer wants to kill me, but that is enough to bring me comfort enough to drift off into a dreamless sleep and get the rest I've been so desperately needing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan and Damon finally reveal all they know about the cure to Elena and the three of them begin to concoct a plan. Stefan comes up with a plan of his own and goes to Damon for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damon's POV is introduced in this chapter and from here on out, the story will be divided between the three main POV's of Elena, Stefan and Damon.

**ELENA**

The following morning I'm woken by a loud bang. If I were at home I would sleep through it because for 18 years I've lived with Jeremy's stomping and his loud music vibrating through the walls, but the Boarding House is always so quiet and I've already grown used to the tranquility of it. It takes me a few seconds to wake up properly and for my senses to adjust, but when they do I climb out of bed and go downstairs.

Damon is in the living room, muttering to himself irritably and reaching for a book off the bookshelf. The bang that woke me most likely came from the chair that is in pieces at the opposite side of the room.

"Haven't you slept?" I ask as I step into the room.

"Nope. Couldn't," he replies without facing me.

"Want some coffee?"

"Sure."

I head off to the kitchen to grab two mugs of coffee and when I return he has moved onto the next book.

"Damon, why don't you just sit down?"

"Can't."

"Please, I need to talk to you."

"Well, then talk."

I sigh at his stubbornness. I didn't want to tell him like this, but he's left me no choice.

"I know about the cure, Damon."

He freezes, drops the book that is in his hand and then swivels to face me.

"Oh," he says.

"Shane and Bonnie told me."

"I knew that creepy Professor couldn't be trusted," he says with a murderous look in his eye.

"Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you think it was something that I should know? You stood there and let me think that Stefan was lying to me and you knew the entire time! How could you do that?" I say, my anger immediately rushing to the surface.

"This is all about Stefan. Sure, makes sense," he says with a huff, turning away from me.

"No, it's not about Stefan, it's about you," I say in a firm voice. "It's about you lying to me. I know things have been difficult lately, but I still thought that I could trust you."

"Do you want to know why I didn't tell you?" he says turning back to me with an angry gesture.

"Why?"

"Because I was trying to protect you. I'm sorry for being the only one around here that doesn't have my head in the clouds. I don't trust Shane and I don't think there's a cure and even if there is who says we'll find it first? Do you really think that Professor Shane is doing all of this because he wants to write a children's fairy-tale about Silas? You're kidding yourself if you think he doesn't want the cure for himself."

"But he's human, why would he want it for himself?"

"I don't know, Elena, but there's always a motive."

"Not everyone's the same as you," I say.

He scoffs and says sarcastically, "Sure."

"You should have told me, Damon," I say half shaking my head.

"Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to get your hopes up, and anyway did it ever cross your mind that  _Stefan_  is the one that should've told you?"

"He's right. I should've been the one that told you," a voice says, before I can respond.

Damon and I both turn our heads in unison to the voice.

It's Stefan. He's home.

"Stefan," I say, my voice dripping with delightful relief and uncertainty.

Seeing his intense and serious face causes my breath to catch in my throat and when his eyes meet mine it feels as though my heart is trying to rip it's way out of my chest to join with his. My body craves the closeness and warmth of his against it so much that every muscle in my body goes rigid as I attempt to resist that urge. It's an urge so powerful that it almost feels that if I don't satisfy it I will burst into flames, but I can't give into it, because Stefan isn't mine anymore. I willingly walked away from him and in doing so I've given up the right to feel that way.

Stefan looks to Damon and regards him with a simple, "Brother," to which Stefan nods in his direction.

I'm so relieved to see him and when he meets my eyes for the second time I see a longing in his eyes that I know shouldn't be there anymore, that makes me forget that he's supposed to hate me and that we broke up. Stefan has always been my safety, my protector, my tower of strength, my partner in life, and in my heart he's still all of those things, but now there is also a part of me that feels like we are strangers.

He slowly walks forward and then takes a seat. None of us speak and the atmosphere is icy and the tension thick. I have so much I want to say but each time I try to speak the words get caught in the back of my throat.

"Where've you been?" Damon asks, breaking the silence.

"Out," Stefan replies.

He's still mad, and who can blame him? Damon accepts his response and doesn't question him any further.

"How did you find out?" Stefan says turning towards me.

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Bo–Bonnie and Shane," I stutter.

Being in Stefan's company has always caused my stomach to tie itself up in knots and for my heart to palpitate erratically, but this is a new kind of nervousness that I've never experienced before. I see Damon's eyes on me and there's a glimmer of pain in them. I know that it's because he can hear the frantic rhythm of my heartbeat that reveals the true extent of my feelings for Stefan. I pretend I haven't noticed and continue to focus on Stefan.

"How much do you know?" he asks.

"Well...Bonnie said that–"

"Just start at the beginning, Stef," Damon interrupts.

Stefan looks up to Damon and then sighs and nods before turning his eyes back to me. "Okay," he says.

I look to him expectantly and wait. Last night I wanted to avoid having this conversation, but now I'm itching to know the truth. I  _need_  to know the truth, to understand with perfect clarity everything that played a part in me letting go of the love of my life.

* * *

Over the next hour Stefan goes on to reveal everything that he's hidden from me over the last couple of weeks. He tells me about the story Klaus and Rebekah shared with him about The Brotherhood Of The Five; that Rebekah fell in love with a Hunter that told her that the tattoo was a map to a cure, a cure that he promised her and that Klaus believed he had wiped the Hunters' out 900 years ago, until Connor came into town.

"So why did Klaus tell you about all of this? It's Klaus. He would do anything this to hide this," I say.

Stefan's eyes drop to the floor. "He...um, he needed me to help keep Connor alive and he knew that I would help him."

"How did he know that?"

"Because...he knew how much I wanted to help you and he knew I would've done whatever it took to find the cure for you."

I inhale deeply and feel the guilt come over me instantly. Despite the deceit and lies, Stefan's actions have been honorable and those of a man that was trying to do best by me and by Damon, and yet he still feels guilty and ashamed for what he's done. I want to tell him that he doesn't need to feel that way, that  _I'm_  the one that should feel guilty. After all, I'm the one that betrayed him. I let down the man that has only ever loved me and fought to do his best by me.

"Why did you keep it from us?" I ask.

"Klaus threatened me, but that isn't why I didn't tell you. I knew that whoever I told would be in danger. Knowing this it's...it's information that people would kill for."

I feel hatred for Klaus swell inside me. He already took Stefan away from me once when he compelled away his humanity and now he's done the same by forcing him to keep this secret. I want to blame him for what's happened with Stefan, but this time I can't place the blame solely on him or anyone else. My relationship with Stefan has crumbled not because of the lies or secrets, but because I didn't have faith in him. Even when he had no humanity I remained strong in my belief that he was capable of being the better man. I never gave up on him and always clung to the hope that he would find his way back to his humanity,  _to me_ and he did. It's me losing that faith in him this time that has broken us and has resulted in us being where we are now, not Klaus forcing him to lie to me.

"I'm sorry, Stefan," I say. "You told me to trust you and I didn't. I killed Connor and I–if I had just trusted you maybe..." I trail off, not knowing how to finish that sentence.

Stefan sighs deeply and says, "It's okay. You didn't know."

I see him glance at Damon with an accusatory look in his eye and I hate that he blames his brother for the terrible events that have unfolded over the last couple of weeks, for me killing Connor, for us breaking up. The sire bond is out of Damon's control as much as it's out of mine and despite what Stefan thinks he hasn't willingly used the sire bond to manipulate me into anything. But I know that in the same way that it is easier for me to place blame on Klaus, it's easier for him to place blame on Damon.

"I'm still sorry," I say. I fix my eyes on his and he doesn't break away from my gaze. All of the anger and disgust that was in his eyes when he looked at me yesterday has completely disappeared and all I can see now is pain, regret and longing.

We don't speak but there are a thousand words exchanged between us with just one look. There's so much torment and guilt that we're both suffering through, so much heartbreak and tragedy surrounding us and yet there's an overriding intensity of love between us that just doesn't seem to go away, even now, after everything that's happened.

Damon clears his throat, reminding us that he's still in the room and Stefan tears his eyes away from me to look at his brother.

"So, now that Elena's up to speed, what are we going to do about this?" Damon says. "What's the next step?"

Stefan gets up from the couch with a sigh. "We find the cure." he says with determination.

Damon nods. "We've got the witch and Professor Creepy on our side, so what could possibly go wrong?" Damon says with a lopsided smile.

"Stefan, are you sure about this?" I ask looking to him. "Finding the cure isn't going to be easy and with everything that's happened..."

His eyes fall to the ground and I can see how uncomfortable he is at the mere mention of Damon and I sleeping together. It's something that none of us have spoken about with each other, not even Damon and I, and yet I know it's a conversation that plagues all three of us. Eventually we will have to face having that conversation, but for now we ignore it.

"It's okay. I'm the one he's mad at. Isn't that right, brother?" Damon says with a brazen smile.

I look to Stefan and his eyes are still on the floor and once again I am reminded of the differences between him and Damon. They're both hurting and uncomfortable, both unsure of what to do or say. Damon handles it by avoidance. He stands tall, plasters on a charming smile and churns out sarcastic jokes and snide comments as a method of avoidance, but not Stefan. Stefan can't avoid it, he just  _feels_  it. He becomes more serious and his body becomes heavy with tension, his eyes intense and dark with emotion. He speaks only a few words and moves slowly, cautiously, as though he's afraid that one false move could cause him to crack and his emotions to come crashing out of him.

"Look, I don't like any of this anymore than you do, but the sire bond has to be broken and you'll need my help to find this cure," Stefan says in a detached manner, as though he's speaking to potential business associates rather than his family.

"Man's got a point," Damon replies. "I've turned this house upside down and read every goddamn book and came up empty. The cure's our best shot."

Stefan nods. "And when we've found it, this will all be over. Elena won't be sired anymore and we'll all be able to..."

"To what?" Damon questions.

I look to Stefan, as eager to hear the ending of that sentence as Damon is.

"Move on."

Does he really mean that? Does he really want to move on from me? From us? From his own brother? I look on at him and it takes only a few seconds for his eyes to wander over to me. I broke up with him and then broke his heart, he should be able to move on and find happiness, but I still can't bear the thought of letting him go. Not now, not ever. Tears begin to well up in my eyes, but I blink them away and clear my throat.

"So–um–you're okay with this?" I say looking to Damon.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be?" he asks raising his eyebrows.

"Because an hour ago you said that you don't even believe that there is a cure and that it would be a waste of time to even look for it."

"Eh, well," he replies with a shrug. "Guess I'm just a sucker for lost causes."

"Thanks," I say sarcastically.

He grins at me playfully and I return his smile, and for just a moment I see a gleam in his eye return.

"So we're really doing this?" I say.

"Looks like it," Damon says.

Stefan nods. "Yeah."

I smile at Stefan with gratitude and he acknowledges it with a weak smile of his own.

"Well, there's no better way to spend the holidays than digging up a 1000 year old dude to find a cure for vampirism that might not even exist," Damon says, his mouth still twisted into an amused smile.

Stefan and I roll our eyes at him in unison and for just a moment everything feels as though it's back to normal. The three of us together again, working as a team and uniting against the forces of evil. It feels good and perhaps it's exactly what we need to bring us back together and start healing the broken fragments of our relationships.

* * *

The following day we immediately get to work on our plan to find the cure. Damon, Stefan, Bonnie, Caroline, Shane and I band together to discuss the details. Stefan is the only one of us that has directly spoken to Klaus, and so he has an ample amount of information that proves to be invaluable to us. Turns out that finding the cure isn't as simple as Jeremy killing more vampires and completing the mark, we also need to find an ancient sword in order to decode the map, a sword that only Klaus knows the location of, which leaves us with no choice but to welcome him into our circle as an ally. The thought of teaming up with Klaus unsettles me and makes me doubt my decision to search for the cure, but we've teamed up with Klaus in the past and besides, wanting to find the cure isn't just for me, it's for Jeremy and Damon and Stefan and everyone else I care about, so I push the thought out of my mind and concentrate on the end goal.

Unfortunately, Klaus is out of town and will be until tomorrow, so it gives us more time to figure things out. The revelation that there is a cure still hasn't sunk in yet and I feel as though I'm working on auto-pilot. I've been so accustomed to living my life this way; by focusing on a specific task and channeling all of my energy into it as a way to temporarily avoid my emotions. When I found out about the cure I approached it with caution and skepticism, but now I feel thankful that I know about it, and not just because it could be the answer to all of my problems, but because it's a distraction and because it's hope. The truth about the cure is still foggy and mysterious, there's still no definitive way to know whether or not it even exists and I'm not even sure what will happen if we do find it, but it's the first tiny ray of hope that has shone down on my life since I've turned and I'm desperate to cling to it, even at the risk of being shattered if it turns out to be false hope.

* * *

**DAMON**

I look to my left at the empty bar stool beside me and feel a flash of disappointment and loneliness run through my body. It's been four weeks and I still find myself coming to The Grill every other day, sitting at the bar, ordering two glasses of bourbon, expecting to see my drinking buddy sitting beside me. It's a habit that dies hard and one that I can't seem to break. I didn't expect to miss him, because Damon Salvatore doesn't have friends, but I do. I miss the sense of camaraderie, of knowing that I had someone that I could sit and drink with and unashamedly be myself. He still lectured and scalded me for my dick-ish ways - maybe more so than anybody else - but there was an acceptance from him that made being in his company comfortable and that made forming a friendship with him inevitable.

Sometimes I wonder if my friendship with Ric was my subconsciousness craving to have another brother. Despite our differences and the bumpy road us Salvatore brothers have been down over the last 164 years, I've always had a brother. Someone I could count on to always be there to save my ass, no matter how badly I screwed up. Ric was one of the same; someone that I formed a brotherhood with, someone I could trust to be my ally in all my endeavors.

Throughout our lives Stefan and I have always been at odds, and nothing has changed. There's always something for us to disagree on and fight over, but with Ric it was easier. Unlike with Stefan, there wasn't more than a century of guilt, anger and resentment between us and he wasn't my blood, my family. If Ric and I ever fell upon hard times, there was a simple solution - walk away. Break ties and move on. But with Stefan that's an impossibility. No matter how turbulent our relationship becomes or how hot the fire of hatred burns between us, we cannot leave each other behind. For over a century we have both tried to escape the destructive cycle we have been caught in and we have consistently failed. I've come to accept that I will spend an eternity being torn between wanting to rip my brother's head off and between wanting to cling to him at all costs. Right now, it's the latter.

I'm used to my relationship with Stefan being up and down and I've always managed to survive during those years when he was no longer present in my life but this time it's harder than I remember, because it's not just Stefan that I have lost, it's also Elena and Ric. Three of the only people on the earth that I could give a crap about are out of my reach and it's left me feeling lonelier than I have in a long, long time. Luckily I have one old friend that I can always count on and it lies at the bottom of a glass.

"Damon. We need to talk."

Stefan's voice startles me and I place down my glass and swing round on my seat to face him.

"Sure," I say, gesturing to the empty seat that's beside me.

I've been sitting here for over an hour thinking of him and how much I miss him, but I don't show that. I pull on the mask and pretend that I feel no remorse for what I've done and that I don't care about his feelings, when in fact it's swallowing me up whole. He knows me better than anyone, but at times like these when he's mad at me he accepts the mask as being the true me, because it makes it easier for him to hate me.

He perches himself on the stool beside me and says, "I need a favour."

I nod and wait for him to go on.

"I know that we're supposed to be going to the lake house tonight to help Jeremy, but I can't go and I need you to cover for me. I have a hunch about how we can find the sword without Klaus."

"And why are you coming to me with this?" I ask, with raised eyebrows.

"Because I don't want the others to know, not yet. It's only a hunch and if it backfires it'll do more harm than good."

He says 'them' and 'others', but I know that really the only person he's concerned with protecting is Elena. Knowing about her and me sleeping together hasn't changed how much he loves her and that's made clear by the fact that he still makes her his priority.

I nod. "So what do you want me to do?" I ask.

"Go to the lake house and make sure no one gets suspicious about where I am."

"And how am I supposed to do that? Do you really think that they're not going to notice you're gone? And you know Elena, she won't stop asking questions until she gets an answer."

"Well, I don't know. Make something up, lie. Use the sire bond if you have to, just don't tell her or anyone else where I am or what I'm doing."

I roll my eyes.

"I mean it, Damon," he says scathingly.

"Well, how do you expect that I'd able to tell them where you are and what you're doing, when you haven't even told me?" I say turning to him.

"You don't need to know," he says defensively.

"Like hell I don't. If you want me in on this, then I need to know what this is."

His jaw clenches and I can see the anger flaring up in his eyes, but after a few moments he lets out a sigh and surrenders. "Okay, fine. You know Rebekah?"

"Original vampire, annoying accent, pretty blue eyes, killed Elena - yeah I'm familiar with her," I respond sarcastically.

"Well, just before Klaus left for New Orleans he daggered her."

"What?"

"He needed some information about the cure and I helped him get it, but once he'd got what he needed from her she was a liability. She wanted the cure for herself and she would've done anything she could to get it. She couldn't be trusted," he explains.

"So he just stabbed her in the back, again? And I thought our family was screwed up," I reply.

"The point is...if I can find Rebekah and un-dagger her maybe she can help us find the sword."

"Maybe? You're pinning your hopes on a maybe? Stefan, come on. The girl's psychotic and you're part of the reason that she's lying daggered in a box. Do you really think she's gonna do anything that even remotely helps us? She hates Elena, she hates me and you're crazy if you don't think she will rip out your heart the second you pull that dagger out."

"Yeah, maybe," he replies standing up from his seat. "But it's all we have right now and honestly, I trust her more than I trust Klaus."

I sigh deeply. "I'd rather place my trust in a more reliable source. Hey, I know, how about Satan?" I say, with a smile.

Stefan rolls his eyes. "I just need to know, are you with me on this? 'Cause if you're not–"

"No, I'm with you," I say. "I think you're reaching and possibly verging on the border of insanity, but I'll do it. I'll cover for you."

"Good. Well, I'll–I'll keep you posted," he says before heading towards the exit.

"Hey, Stef?"

He turns back towards me just as he's about to reach the door.

"Just...just watch your back, okay?"

He nods. "I will."

I watch him leave and turn back to the bar and continue to sip on my drink. Stefan's idea might be idiotic and dangerous, but I can't deny that it makes sense. Rebekah really is the lesser of two evils and teaming up with her instead of Klaus poses less of a risk. I've always been able to easily identify people's weaknesses and exploit them for my own benefit, and Rebekah has fallen victim to that in the past. She may be an Original, but she's not as diabolical as her brother, she can be out-smarted, manipulated and that is something that can be used against her.

I ponder over the fact that even after everything we've been through - especially over the last few weeks - Stefan still trusts me over everyone else to cover for him, to keep his secret. Our familial ties and brotherly obligations are stronger than I gave them credit for. Strong enough that the trust we have in one another is still firm and unyielding, despite our rivalries and shortcomings.

I made a promise to cover for him, but what I didn't promise is that I would stay at the lake house. If he's going to hunt down the sword and face Rebekah, he won't be doing it alone. I will be there by his side to protect him, and not because I want to make up for the pain I've caused him by sleeping with Elena, but because it's Stefan. Because he's my brother.

I finish the last of my drink and check my phone. I see Elena's name on the screen and my heart leaps in my chest.

"We're leaving for the lake house at 5, make sure you're ready."

I read the text, let out a frustrated groan and slam my phone down on the bar. All I've wanted for so long is to be with Elena. To taste her, feel her body pressed against mine, satisfy the constant hunger I have for her and unleash the passion that I hold for her deep inside that grows wilder and wilder with each passing day. I was able to satiate that hunger for just one night, but it hasn't brought me any relief, it has only increased my desperation to be near her, for her to be mine.

The memory of that night flashes through my mind for the thousandth time, and it is a memory that has been the singular source of my strength over the passing days. Even with the pain that I've caused my brother, I can't seem to bring myself to regret it. Technically I know I have done wrong by him, but I love Elena and being intimate with her was as natural as feeding on human blood. It was so satisfying, so euphoric that even now there's very little room for my conscience. It's something that I could not and would not fight. That passion fueled evening and the hours that followed were the happiest of my existence, the most complete I could ever recall being. I was delirious. Being with Elena had always been an impossible dream, a fantasy and I found myself unable to truly comprehend the reality of it. I didn't consider how Stefan would feel when he found out or how difficult it would be for she and I to be together, all I knew was that I loved her. Oh, I loved her. And the thought that she reciprocated my feelings was...indescribable. But in less than 24 hours that was all tattered with just two words -  _sire bond_. Those two words took everything from me, everything that mattered, my dream, my happiness,  _my Elena_.

Part of me is terrified of Elena taking the cure, of the sire bond being broken, because I don't think I could bear it if her feelings for me disappeared along with it, but I know it is something that I have to face. As painful as the last few days have been following the night we spent together, I understand her reasons for distancing herself from me. I understand that the odds are stacked against me. She loves Stefan, she's always loved Stefan, that's something that has always been clear and yet I still hold onto the belief that deep in her heart she feels what I feel.

The sparkle in her eyes when she looks at me, the fervor with which she kissed me, the carefree chuckle only I seem to evoke in her. I see something in her now that I did not see before. Something that was missing when she used to look at me. Perhaps it won't be enough and perhaps once she's human again that something will be missing from her eyes again, but it's a risk I have to take if I ever expect to recover the dream that was ripped from me. It's a risk I have to take to be with the woman I love and to ensure that she's happy and free, and I am willing to take that risk and devote myself to finding the cure - even at my own expense - because  _that_  is how much I love her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon and Elena arrive at the lake house to help Jeremy, Bonnie and Shane whilst Stefan does some of his own investigating as he searches for an alternate method to find the cure.

**DAMON**

"Are you ready?" Elena asks.

"Yup," I reply.

"Are we taking my car or yours?"

"I'll take mine and you take yours."

"Why?" she questions furrowing her eyebrows together.

"Because, what if something happens and one of us has to leave?"

"What would happen where only one of us would have to leave?" she asks suspiciously.

"Look, Elena, just do as I say," I say firmly.

I wait for her to continue fighting, but she doesn't, she just tuts and stomps off stroppily.

"Where's Stefan? I told him to be ready for 5,"

Oh, no. Here it goes. Usually lying comes naturally to me, but with Elena it's always harder.

"He didn't want to come."

"What?" she exclaims turning on her toes to me, her eyes wide.

She knows Stefan and knows he wouldn't sit out of something like this, so whatever excuse I use, it better be good.

"I mean can you blame him for not wanting to spend a weekend sleeping in the next bedroom from me? He hates me right now."

"And he hates me, too, but this isn't about us, it's about Jeremy and finding the cure."

"I don't know the ins and outs of it, okay, Elena? All I know is that Stefan doesn't want to come," I say snap impatiently.

"Okay, fine," she says huffily before heading out of the door.

I sigh with relief. At least she's stopped asking questions...for now. I hear the engine of her car start up and she drives off without me. She's angry or upset, or both. I wish I could tell her the truth, but Stefan's right. Telling her about our plan with Rebekah will only hurt her if it backfires and she's suffered enough lately.

* * *

**STEFAN**

"How are you holding up?"

I look over to see Caroline's kind eyes on me and shrug .

"It's okay, Stefan," she says softly. "I know you're trying to throw yourself into finding this cure and I get it, I do, but you need to take care of yourself."

Caroline is my friend and confidante and I've realised how much I've come to rely on her support and comfort. Lately it feels that she's the only person I can trust and the only one I can talk to.

"I'm okay," I reply, and I'm not lying. I haven't truly allowed the emotions of the last few days to catch up to me yet. I can't, because if I do I'm afraid I'll spiral so far that there will be no coming back from it. I've lost myself in the past, to the blood, to the guilt, the grief. If there's anything I've learned after 164 years as a vampire it's that my emotions have the potential to cripple me to a point that I completely lose all sense of my identity. That's when I become  _him_. The Ripper. So, yeah, I am okay, because I have to be.

"Are you still coming to the lake house? We're supposed to be there at 5."

I shake my head. "I can't face it right now."

She nods and doesn't question me any further. I considered telling Caroline the truth about my plans to find Rebekah, but as much as I trust her, I can't trust her with this. Her natural instincts are to always be honest, especially when it comes to her friends, and I can't risk her telling the others. Telling Elena.

"So what are you going to do?" she asks.

"I thought I'd do some more reading about Silas and the cure. I figured we can never know too much."

She nods. Caroline has grown to know me incredibly well over the passing months and even though I'm the one that called her because I was in need of a friend, she knows that I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling and I appreciate that she never presses me on it. She's there if I need her and that is enough.

"Well, you'd better be heading off if you want to make it to the lake house by 5," I say looking at the clock on the wall.

"I can be a few minutes late," she replies.

"No, it's fine. Damon and Elena have already left, so I'll head back home."

"Okay, but if you change your mind you know where we are. Call me if you need anything."

"Thanks, Caroline," I say getting up from my seat and heading for the front door.

I get back to the Boarding House in under 10 minutes and feel relief to be back at home without Damon and Elena. This place has been my home for a century and through all of my travels, I've always wound up back here, simply because it's the only place that has truly felt like home and that provides me with comfort.

I drift up to my room and lie on the bed. I ponder my plan to un-dagger Rebekah for the thousandth time and even now I still doubt myself. Klaus is smart and distrusting and despite what he would have people believe he loves Rebekah, would he really go to New Orleans and leave her behind? I consider abandoning the plan and going to the lake house, which is what I should do, but I can't help but feel that Rebekah could be extremely useful in helping to find the cure. Maybe even more so than Klaus.

No, that's it. I'm going ahead with the plan. I'm not going to change my mind this time. If it doesn't work out I won't have lost anything and if it does work out, I have everything to gain, because finding this cure is the singular most important thing in my life right now.

I have to at least try for Elena, for me and for my brother.

* * *

**ELENA**

I speed off in my car, not bothering to wait for Damon. It's not his fault that Stefan doesn't want to come, it's mine, but I'm still upset about it. I thought finding this cure would at least get us in the same room together long enough for us to be able to talk and for me to start fixing what I've done. Despite the circumstances a part of me was so excited about going to the lake house today, because I knew that everyone I cared about was going to be there, including Stefan, but now...I feel deflated and bitterly disappointed.

I've barely spent 10 minutes in Stefan's presence in over a week and I catch myself thinking of him more and more with each passing day. I've been separated from him in the past and whenever we were I would be overwhelmed with a feeling of incompleteness. I would find myself searching a room for his face, checking my phone for his name, craving the feel of his arms around me, and I find myself doing the same now. I know he's not there, but I can't resist glancing over to the passenger seat, in the hopes of seeing his eyes staring back at me. But he isn't there, because I drove him away. We've never been apart by choice before, but this time we are. He's choosing to avoid me because of what I've done, because of how much I've hurt him.

I never expected to be without Stefan and the reality of him not being by my side is really starting to hit home. Without him everything feels so...grey. I thought that everything that was wrong in my life was because I was a vampire and because of the sire bond, but I'm starting to wonder if it's because I've lost Stefan. Nothing has felt right since the day we broke up, even my relationship with Damon doesn't seem to provide me with any sense of happiness. I feel so out of step with the world, so completely lost and all I want, all I need, is to see Stefan. I'd always taken forgranted how much strength and courage he provided me with and how with just a few words or one look he could obliterate any doubt or fear that was bubbling inside me. I consider turning the car back around to go and find him, but immediately decide against it. Even if I do see Stefan now, it won't provide me with the same comfort that it used to, it will only make me feel worse, because it will remind me of just how much distance there is between us.

I switch on the radio and turn up the volume in an attempt to drown out my thoughts and reach for a blood bag from the back seat. It's almost 5pm and the sun is already starting to set. The drive to the lake house is one I've always enjoyed. Driving through wide country roads, feeling the wind in my hair and the smell of freshly cut grass. I know these roads off by heart from the summers I spent driving down them with my parents and Jeremy, singing car songs and playing Eye Spy. I still remember each and every one of those summers and being able to come back and visit provides me with so much joy, because it allows me to reminisce over those memories and keep them alive.

I arrive at the lake house an hour later than I'd planned, but Jeremy and Bonnie don't seem to mind. They're sitting around a log fire outside in front of the lake when I pull up. I go into my boot and grab for my coat and scarf and go to join them. Shane's work with Jeremy seems to be a permanent fix for his hunter urges, and he greets me with a smile and hug, instead of a stake and a murderous glare. He and Bonnie seem in high spirits and my mood soon lifts to join theirs. Caroline arrives 10 or so minutes after me, with a bottle of tequila in tow.

"Caroline, why did you bring that? Shane will be here at 9am and we've got to help Jeremy train," Bonnie says.

"Oh, who cares?" Caroline says with a giggle.

"Well, I'm in," Jer says reaching to take a shot glass from Caroline.

"Er, I don't think so," I say taking the glass out of his hand. "You're still underage."

"Yeah, so are you."

"We're vampires, Jer. Doesn't count." I say playfully, before putting the glass to my lips and swallowing the liquid down in one.

Bonnie and Caroline laugh.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Jeremy says trying to grab a glass from Caroline.

She pulls it away from him and tosses it to me with a chuckle, before handing one to Bonnie. We drink together and continue to tease Jeremy through giggles. I take out my phone and text Damon to ask where he is. I'm having fun, and even if Stefan can't be part of it, I want Damon to be.

* * *

**DAMON**

My phone vibrates in my pocket. It's from Elena asking where I am. I text back to let her know that I'm 10 minutes away and she replies instantly with a smiley face. I sigh inwardly. I've already lied to her once today and there's going to be more lies to come yet. I attempt to soothe myself by reminding myself that the lies are to protect her. I hover on Stefan's name and press dial, but he doesn't answer and it goes straight to his voicemail.

"Stefan, call me back as soon as you get this."

I'll stay at the lake house until everyone is asleep and when they are I'm going to Stefan. He might already be at Klaus' by the time I arrive and who knows what horrors could've taken place. I consider bailing and going to Stefan now, as the worry starts to creep up on me, but I continue on nonetheless.

When I pull up outside Elena, Bonnie, Jeremy and Caroline are sitting around a fire beside the lake, each of them chuckling heartily. I remain in the car for a few moments and take in the vision before me.

Elena's body is relaxed, her hair blowing gently in the breeze and her face glows in the light from the fire. She's laughing, real genuine laughter and the sound of it is music to my ears. She doesn't know anybody is watching her, she's just having fun and it's the first time in so long that I can recall seeing her truly happy. This is how her life should always be. Sitting around camp fires with her family and friends, drinking, letting her hair down and having carefree fun. And I  _want_  that for her, that's why we have to find the cure. After a few minutes she notices me and she gestures for me to join them. I give her a weak smile but don't leave the car and she immediately gets up and comes to me. I put the window down and she leans on it and greeting me with a warm smile and a 'hey'.

"Come and have a drink," she says.

She's different. Warmer. Since finding out about the sire bond he's been shutting me out, but now it almost feels like she wants me to be included, that she wants to spend time in my company. I nod and get out of the car to follow her back over to the others. No one greets me, but they don't turn their noses up at me either, which is progress, especially where Caroline is concerned. I've always seen Elena's friends as nothing more than children and acquaintances, but for some reason tonight I just want to be one of them. We've all had a hard time lately and I want to forget about my problems just as much as they do. I sit beside Elena and she hands me a drink. She falls back into conversation with her friends and I sit by silently sipping on my drink. I don't feel the need to join in with the bustle of chatter, I'm quite content with just sitting and watching.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I stand outside Klaus' house and peer up at it. He's still supposed to be in New Orleans, but what if he came back early? He'll kill me if he finds me. He'll kill all of us. I start to step away from the house in doubt. If Rebekah can't help us, then we'll need Klaus on our side and doing this will be sure to turn him against us. Perhaps Damon was right and I'm making a huge mistake. My phone goes off with a voicemail from Damon.

"Stefan, call me back when you get this."

I consider calling him back as he requested, but then realise that he's most likely calling to talk me out of this plan, so I put the phone back into my pocket and head towards the house. I've already tried to talk myself out of it over a hundred times, I can't allow Damon to do the same, because he might actually succeed and I need to do this. I listen for a few moments for any sounds coming from inside, but hear nothing so proceed to kick the door in.

I don't know where Rebekah is but I know that if he's left her behind, he wouldn't have left her anywhere but here, so I take to searching every room in the house. I ensure that I put everything that I touch back in it's right place (although there's not much point seeing as I just destroyed the hinges on the front) and for the first hour I come up empty.

It's only when I'm about to give up that I notice something in Klaus' bedroom, under his bed. I lift the rug that sits under his bed to find a trap door. Jackpot! I pull the handle of the door to reveal a ladder leading under ground. I jump down and land in a large square room about 5 feet under ground. I swing around and scan the room and immediately notice the coffin that sits at the back of the room. I dash over and lift the lid in anticipation.

It's empty.

The disappointment washes over me and the rage quickly follows. I throw my fist at the coffin repeatedly, bashing it to shreds and then I toss it across the room, an angry growl escaping me as I do so. I knew from the start that the plan wasn't a guarantee and I was naive to believe that I would succeed. I've spent enough time in Klaus' company to know that he wouldn't allow his sister to be found by passing enemies this easily.

I leave the house immediately feeling frustrated and irritable. I grab a blood bag out of the boot of my car and rip it open violently with my teeth and suck at the bag with all my might, glugging the blood down. I reach for another and do the same, and another and another and another. In a matter of seconds my face and hands are smothered in blood and I'm surrounded by empty, discarded blood bags. I stare down at my hands and the blood bags in disbelief, as my consciousness returns to me once more.

This is how it starts. This is always how it starts. The rage, the power of my emotions, they consume me from the inside until my consciousness slips away and everything that I am, everything that I believe in evaporates and all that's left behind is the ravenous monster in me. I climb in my car and speed off, leaving the trail of blood bags behind.

* * *

**ELENA**

The night passes by in a haze of drinks, games and laughter. I lose myself in the simpleness of being with friends and for just a short while I don't have a care in the world. By 11pm Jeremy has taken off to bed and Bonnie and Caroline shortly follow, leaving Damon and I to clean up. I collect pizza boxes and throw them in the trash and then fill the washing up bowl to wash the glasses.

"Here, I'll do that," Damon offers.

I step away from the sink and he takes over.

"It was nice seeing you like that tonight," he says.

"Like what?"

"Having fun with your friends and your brother."

"Yeah..." I reply, a small smile on my face.

I'm still giddy from the evening's events and the alcohol in my system means that I feel completely at ease in Damon's company, which is something I haven't felt since finding out about the sire bond.

"Well, you had fun, too. I saw you crack a smile or two," I say with a light chuckle. "After everything that's been happening lately it's nice to just feel..."

"Normal?"

"Yeah."

"Well, then you're gonna really hate me for what I'm gonna say next," he says, turning from the sink to face me.

His words cause me to sober up instantly and the smile falls from my face. I can feel what's coming and I just want to stop it. I need to stop it.

"Damon, whatever you're gonna say, just don't, okay? Don't. We've had a fun night, let's not ruin it."

He laughs to himself lightly. "Ruin it? It's all fake, Elena. This night, everything, none of it's real. We're just avoiding, pretending that everything is fine when it's not."

I groan. "See? Why do you always have to do it?"

"Because I just do," he retorts. "I'm sorry that roasting some marshmallows around a fire and sharing memories from my childhood doesn't make me forget. I can't forget. All I can think about is you, us and the goddamn sire bond. It's driving me crazy.  _You_  drive me crazy."

" _I_  drive  _you_  crazy?" I scoff. "I'm just trying to survive, Damon. Is that so wrong?"

"It is when you're lying to yourself. You say you can't be with me because of the sire bond and I get that, but I'm starting to think that this whole sire bond thing is just an excuse."

"An excuse?" I question.

"Yeah, an excuse. I think you're afraid to admit that you might actually feel something real for me. I think you're scared of what will happen if you just give into that and I think secretly a part of you is happy about the sire bond, because it gives you the perfect excuse not to be with me."

"Happy?  _Happy?_ Do you have any idea what this has been like for me? Do you have any idea how hard it's been?" I explode. "I am trying to do the right thing by you and by Stefan. That's all I've ever tried to do."

He sighs. "What are we doing?" he asks looking up to the ceiling. "What the hell are we doing?"

"I don't know," I say exasperated.

"I just need to know one thing," he says, coming closer.

"What?"

He steps even closer, until I can feel his breath on my face. My body stiffens at being so close to him.

"Do you love me?"

I inhale deeply and I feel my blood turn to ice.

"I–I–I..." I stammer.

He nods. "That's all I needed to hear."

He steps away from me and turns to leave the room.

"Damon, wait," I say.

But he doesn't stop.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I text Damon the second I'm back at The Boarding House to let him know that the plan failed and he calls to let me know he's on his way home. An hour later he walks through the door and I instantly sense that he's agitated.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

He shrugs off his jacket.

"Forget that. What happened?" he asks, marching into the kitchen.

I follow him and he pours himself a glass of bourbon.

"Want one?" he asks, to which I nod.

"So...what happened?" he asks again looking at me expectantly and sliding the glass to me.

"I went to Klaus' and found a coffin in a secret room underneath his bed."

"Tacky. Thought Klaus would have more style than that," he replies.

"It was empty. He must've taken her with him."

"Well, I hate to tell you I told you so, brother."

I roll my eyes. "I've been thinking, what if there was another way to find Rebekah? She could be anywhere, it wouldn't make sense to search for her ourselves, but..."

"The witch," he finishes.

I nod. "If Bonnie does a locator spell, just maybe we can find Rebekah before Klaus gets back."

"Oh, I hardly think that will be necessary," a familiar voice says, causing Damon and I to turn towards the doorway.

"Klaus," Damon says.

"Did you miss me?" he says with a smirk across his face.

I feel my heart pounding in my chest at seeing him. He heard what we were saying, he knows we attempted to betray him. This is exactly what I feared might happen as a result of seeking out Rebekah.

"Klaus, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be back from New Orleans until Monday," I say, attempting to bury my nerves as best I can.

"I abandoned business there as I felt there were more pressing matters at hand that needed my attention. One of which happens to be that you sought to betray me by releasing Rebekah from her daggered state."

"Wait a minute, we can–"

"Oh, do save your excuses," Klaus says holding up his hand and cutting Damon off mid sentence. "I do not care for them. What I do care for, however, is the cure. Have there been any further developments?"

He plants himself in a seat and sits back. He's being too casual, too nonchalant and it unnerves me. My body is tense and I can sense that Damon is baring himself for what may come next.

"We know that Jeremy has to complete his Hunter's mark before we can find the cure," I say.

"But we already knew that. What else?" he asks impatiently.

"And we–we need the sword to decode it."

"Ah, the sword," he says raising a finger in the air. "So there lies the reason as to why you concocted a plan to revive my little sister. Do you really believe I would share delicate information such as the location of the sword with her? I am not as naive as to believe that Rebekah can be trusted with such a secret."

"What do you want, Klaus? You know we went behind your back to find Rebekah and you're pissed. So either kill us or get out," Damon says, brazenly.

In an instant Klaus rises from his seat, an animalistic roar escaping through his bared teeth and I instinctively dash in front of Damon to protect him from harm.

"How dare you make demands on me?!" he screams.

I continue to stand between him and Damon and I put my hand on Klaus' chest and lightly push him away from Damon.

"What Damon meant to say is, are you going to help us? Do you still want to find this cure, because if you do you can't do it without us? You have the sword, we have Jeremy."

"Ah, but you see, that can be changed. I can take Jeremy whenever I please and then I will have no need for you anymore," he says with an arrogant smile. "So give me one good reason why I shouldn't rip your hearts from your chests where you stand."

He looks over my shoulder at Damon, with a murderous glare.

"You can take Jeremy, but do you really think he'd cooperate if you kill us? Look, you came to me when you needed to keep Connor alive and told me about the cure."

"And how well that worked out," he replies sarcastically.

"My point is you were willing to work with us before and whether you like it or not we both have something to gain from this. You want the cure for Elena, so do we. So what do you say?"

He scowls and then steps back.

"Alright. You've convinced me. But before we get to work there's something you should know about Professor Shane. He may not be all that he appears."

Damon and I look to each other, looks of confusion and curiosity on our faces and then back to Klaus, as we wait for him to explain.

* * *

**ELENA**

I awake the next morning feeling groggy, my high mood from the night before long since passed. When I wonder out of my room after showering and changing I find Bonnie, Jeremy and Caroline sitting together eating bacon sandwiches and chatting.

"Morning," they all call in unison.

"Morning," I reply.

"Is everything okay?" Bonnie asks.

"It will be when I've had caffeine," I reply with a light laugh, as I go to the kitchen for the pot of hot coffee that sits on the counter.

"Are you really okay?" Bonnie's soft voice asks from behind me.

I turn around to face her.

"Damon's car's gone."

I sigh deeply.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"What is there to talk about? I had a fun night and Damon had to be Damon and go and ruin it."

She reaches out to stroke my arm sympathetically. "What did he say?"

"Oh, I don't know. Something about all of this being fake and that we're all pretending everything is fine when it's not."

"Is he wrong?" she asks with raised eyebrows.

"I guess not," I say sadly. "But what's wrong with pretending? Sometimes that's the only way to get through. I'm not going to say sorry for wanting to have one night of fun without worrying about vampires or cures or witches. No offence."

"None taken." she says. "Maybe the problem isn't that you were having fun, maybe it's that he can't have fun."

"And what does that mean?" I ask.

"It means that he loves you and he thought you loved him and now he doesn't know where he stands."

I look at her wide eyed. "I can't believe you of all people are defending Damon."

"Hey, I'm not defending him, believe me. I'm just saying."

I nod. "Yeah, I know and you're right. He deserves to know where he stands. So does Stefan. But..." I groan. "How can I let them know where they stand when I don't even know myself? So much has happened since I became a vampire and I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"You're supposed to follow your heart."

"And what if it's not that easy?"

"It's never easy, but you'll figure it out eventually."

"Well, that's comforting," I say with a light laugh.

She laughs, too. "At least you have me, right?" she says nudging me playfully.

"What else could a girl possibly need?" I reply with a smile.

* * *

**STEFAN**

"I knew there was something off about that guy." Damon says.

Klaus has revealed the true intentions behind Professor Shane wanting to find the cure. Including how he was responsible for killing the council, which is all part of his plan to resurrect Silas in the hope that he will be able to bring the dead back to life.

"So, this is why Shane is helping us?" I ask.

Klaus nods. "Afraid so, mate."

I sigh.

"Well, the only question now is, how do we kill him?" Damon asks.

"You'll do no such thing. Professor Shane has infinite knowledge on this subject and it's essential that he is kept alive if we expect to succeed in our mission," Klaus says.

Damon groans.

"Okay, so we pretend like we don't know?" I ask looking to Klaus.

"Yes," he replies.

"I still say we kill him," Damon says.

"No. Klaus is right," I say, causing a smug grin come across Klaus' face. "Nothing has changed, we still need Shane to help Jeremy and to take us to the cure. Without him we'll never get there."

"Glad to see at least one of you has some sense. And on that merry note, I'm leaving. Do keep me updated about The Hunter," Klaus says and in a flash he's gone.

Damon turns to me.

"What do you think? Do you trust him?"

"Who? Klaus or Shane?" I ask.

"Both."

I sigh and scratch my head. "Well, Klaus is obviously pissed that I went behind his back to try and find Rebekah, but he's not a fool. He'll put that aside and work with us, if it means he'll get the cure. He won't kill us. Not yet any way."

Damon chuckles lightly. "That's...comforting." he says. "What about Shane? He can't be trusted. We have to–"

"What? Kill him? That's your solution to everything, isn't it, Damon?" I say in a sharp tone. "You can kill him  _after_  we find the cure."

"What makes you think I'll listen to you?" he asks in a childlike manner.

"Because you want this cure for Elena, because you love her just as much as I do." I say going up to him and looking him at him sternly.

He falls silent and looks me straight in the eye.

"I won't kill him," he relents.

I nod. "Good," I say, before walking away from him to go upstairs.

I close my bedroom door behind me and fall into the seat at my desk, with a deep sigh. I'm so exhausted. These last few days I have felt that I'm in a constant battle with myself. I'm trying to suppress my emotions, ignore the hunger that is swelling within me and although I'm not the only one that is on the hunt for the cure, I feel alone in it, that I have to take charge and make sure the plan falls into place and take responsibility for everyone's safety.

I've become so focused on keeping everything together, of moving forward with our plans to find the cure, that I often forget why I'm doing it. Why it's all I can think of in my every waking moment.

It's for her. For Elena.

Even now my heart beats for her, only her and my instinct to protect her and provide her with happiness is the only instinct that is stronger than my blood lust. That love I bear for her is why I am a better man when I'm with her, the man I want to be. That love overrides any hunger that is within me and instead of reaching for blood to fill the void, I reach for her.

The days and nights are so lonely without her by my side. I feel a constant vacuum in my life now that she's not here and more than anything I want to hold her close and never let her go. I get up from my chair and go over to the bed. I lie down and press the pillow to my face. I can still smell her scent, from where she lay beside me just a few days ago, with her head rested on my chest, her dark eyes looking up at me, her mouth wearing a sweet and adoring smile. I thought I appreciated every moment spent with her, but now I realise that I always saw her as an inevitability. I could never imagine there being a day where she wouldn't be in bed beside me, where I wouldn't be looking into her eyes knowing that she was mine and I hers. Our love had always been so strong that I couldn't imagine it ever being broken, and if there was ever anything that could break it, it would've been the events of these last 7 months, during which I did everything possible to turn her against me. When she came back to me after that, that's when I was sure that we would never be apart again. But now just 4 weeks later here I am, alone and without her by my side.

I know I should hate her for how she's hurt me, that I should resent her for sleeping with Damon, but I don't.  _I can't._  Part of the reason is that I simply love her too much to carry any ill feeling for her, but it's also because after everything I've done, I  _deserve_  this. I hurt her so much and in so many ways when I left town with Klaus and even now I hate myself for it. She is the single most precious thing in the world to me and I ruined it. I can blame the sire bond, I can blame Damon, but the truth is, I'm the one responsible for all of it. I pushed her into his arms, I abandoned her, left her alone with no one to turn to but my brother, what else did I expect? Elena has always been too pure, too good and I've always known it. I've always tried to cloak my darkness, to keep her from falling into the shadows of it, but I've failed. She's a vampire now,  _because of me,_ she's sired to Damon _, because of me_ and her entire future has been compromised,  _because of me_.

Since the day she awoke in transition I've fought to do my best by her, to repent for my mistakes, but when I chose to save Matt instead of her that night, it was a mistake so great that it was impossible to ever recover from it. Elena assured me on more than one occasion that I made the right choice in saving Matt first, but no matter how many times she attempted to comfort me, I have not stopped regretting it. I stood with her atop the hillside that evening, on the night we believed to be her last as a human, and as the sun set in the sky and I held her in my arms whilst she wept out of despair at the possibility of becoming a vampire. I knew better than anyone that she didn't want to be a vampire and why she didn't want to be, and I was supposed to protect her from that, to ensure she got to have a future as a human, to have the opportunities that are robbed from you when you become a vampire. Elena may say she is in debt to me for granting her wish to save Matt, but I will live for eternity with the regret of the decision I made that night.

I clutch the pillow with her smell to my chest, close my eyes and re-live the blissful moments that I shared with her, that still bring me joy and comfort.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan and Damon arrive at the lake house and the two of them and Elena try to repair the broken pieces of their relationships.

**STEFAN**

"Wake up, Sleeping Ugly! Come on, wake up. I have coffee."

I reluctantly open my eyes to see Damon's face looking down at me, a smile on his face and a mug of coffee in his hand.

"Or perhaps you'd prefer milk and cookies," he says eyeing the pillow that is still clutched to my chest like a baby. "Aww, did likkle Steffy have nightmares about the big bad hybrid and the undead vampire-zombie?"

He pokes me playfully and I pull away from him irritably.

"No," I say discarding the pillow to the other side of the bed. "But we should be scared. We're way in over our heads here, Damon."

He shrugs. "What else is new?"

He shoves the mug of coffee into my hand and I take it from him and take a couple of gulps.

"No, this is different. We're surrounded by our enemies and we have nothing to go on. Shane was the best bet we have, but now we can't even trust him."

"So you're saying I can kill him now?" he asks sitting down on the end of my bed.

"We have to find this cure, Damon. If we don't–"

"What? Elena will spend the rest of her life sired to me and wanting to be with me? Oh, we can't let that happen can we?"

I sigh deeply. "It's about more than that and you know it. If Elena wants to be with you when the sire bond is broken, I'll walk away. Just like we promised before."

"You mean when she chose you and I still stayed in town?" he says.

"Things changed. Elena became a vampire and she...needed you." I say.

I'm angry at Damon and part of me can't help but blame him for the sire bond, Elena and I breaking up and him and her sleeping together, but the other part knows that none of it is really his fault. He's been driven by his love for Elena and he's made mistakes in doing that, but so have I, so it's hard to judge him for that.

"I just need to know that this is really her choice. Even if you don't want to admit it, the sire bond strips her of her free will and she deserves to be able to make the decision she really wants to make."

"Are you sure you're not just clinging to the hope that you're still her one true love and the only reason she went near me is because of the sire bond?" he asks.

"All I care about, all I've ever cared about is her happiness and even after the sire bond is gone, if that's with you...well, I'll just have to accept it. I'll let her go and move on, if that's what she needs to be happy."

Damon nods and his brow is furrowed slightly, his mouth in a straight line, just the way it always is whenever something serious is being discussed.

"Has she called you?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"What happened yesterday?"

Discussing whatever issues might be between my brother and Elena makes me feel sick to my stomach, but my curiosity gets the better of me, and I also sense that he's upset and surprisingly my instinct is still to be there for him. He has been witness to Elena and I being intimate, he's stood on the side lines throughout our relationship and listened to endless conversations about our relationship or comforted me when I was hurting over her and I know that it hurt him every single day. It hurt him just as much as it hurts me to sit here with him now, knowing that she cares for him and that they've slept together, and in a strange way the love that we both have for her and the heartbreak that has come with it, brings us together as much as it pushes us apart.

"Oh, you know, I told her the truth and she didn't like it. Not much to say after that," he says nonchalant.

He thinks he's so good at concealing his emotions, but he doesn't fool me. His emotions are just as deep and complex as mine, especially when it comes to Elena, it's just that we feel them and express them in different ways.

"So if we're not going to kill Shane, what are we going to do with him?" he asks, swiftly changing the subject.

"We need to start off by going to the lake house. He's there now helping with Jeremy. If Klaus really is right about him, then who knows what he's got planned next."

"Well, let's hit the road, brother," he says, slapping my thigh.

* * *

**ELENA**

"Okay, Jeremy, you've made your point. Oooh. Ow! Ow!" Shane grunts and gasps in pain, as Jeremy continues to hold him in a neck lock.

Caroline and I stand on giggling lightly, whilst Jeremy joins in, laughing over Shane's shoulder.

"That's enough, Jeremy," Bonnie says.

Jeremy releases his grip and Shane stumbles away, rubbing at his neck and coughing.

"Well, that was...good. Very good. You used the techniques I said and executed them perfectly," Shane says.

Jeremy nods and I see a small smug smile on his face. Today is the second day we've spent at the lake house, and me, Caroline and Jer have already grown bored of the constant training and have taken to playing the role of disobedient children, whilst Shane and Bonnie have taken on the parental role and attempt to keep us in line.

"Time for a break?" Jeremy says.

"We've only just started," Bonnie replies with a roll of her eyes.

"Buzzkill," Caroline says. "Look at where we are, Bonnie. We should at least try to have some fun while we're here."

"This isn't a holiday, Caroline. We had fun the first night, but there's more important things to focus on now. Jeremy needs to complete his mark to find the cure and he won't do that if he can't kill vampires. He needs this training."

"This is pointless, anyway. I can already kill vampires. Just give me a stake and I'm good to go," Jeremy states arrogantly.

Suddenly Caroline charges at Jeremy and in less than a second he has her on the ground and is on top of her, a stake held over her heart. A gasp escapes all of our mouths and Caroline squirms under his grip. He moves away and she gets to her feet, sweeping the leaves and dirt from her clothes.

"Told you," Jer says.

"Okay, but that doesn't count," Caroline argues. "You knew that was coming. If I caught you off guard you wouldn't have won."

Jeremy nods, an amused smile on his face and Caroline sprints at Jeremy for a second time, this time hoping to catch him off guard, but Jeremy still gains the upper hand and has her bent over, her hand bent behind her back and a stake pointing at her back.

"Seriously?" she exclaims."Okay, I give up, I give up. You win."

Jeremy releases her and stands tall and proud.

"Told you I didn't need all this training," he reiterates.

"Caroline is just one vampire, Jeremy. And she's only been one for a year, how do you think you would fair against the likes of Klaus or Silas?" Shane says stepping forward.

Jeremy shrugs and the atmosphere suddenly becomes tense. I still don't know Shane well and I wouldn't go as far as to say I dislike him, but I don't appreciate his talent of taking every situation and sucking all of the joy and happiness out of it. I know that finding the cure is important and it's not a game, but I'm here with my friends and I want to at least try to inject some fun into the weekend.

I take my phone out of my pocket hoping to see a missed call or text on my phone, but there isn't. Just like there wasn't when I woke up this morning. A disappointed sigh escapes me before I can stop it. Being here with Jeremy, Caroline and Bonnie has made it somewhat easier to forget about Stefan and Damon, but they're always in the back of my mind and no matter how much I try to distract myself, I still seem to check my phone every half an hour hoping to see one or both of their names.

I should just call them myself, and I probably would if I wasn't such a coward, but with the way that I left things with Damon, I don't even know if he wants to speak to me and as for Stefan...well, I wouldn't even know what to say. He was the person that I could go to with anything and talk to openly, but now I constantly doubt myself when I'm around him. I question what I'm saying, how I'm acting and I become so conscious of every breath he takes, so hyper-aware of everything about him, that I over-think anything relating to him. There was a time when being with Stefan was the simplest thing in the world, there was no conscious thought involved, I just  _was,_ but not anymore.

I feel a hand on my arm then. "Hey," Caroline's voice says. "You okay?"

I nod.

"Stefan just texted me. He's coming up with Damon."

"He is?" I ask. My stomach immediately begins to churn with nerves at the thought of facing them both, together.

"Yeah. Is that okay?" she asks.

"Of course it's okay. We all need to be here to make this work," I reply.

She nods. "Well at least they've managed to put all of this stuff behind them to find the cure. That's a good sign, right?"

I nod. "Yeah, yeah, it is."

"I'm gonna go get some tea. Want some?"

"Yeah, sure," I reply.

I know I should be focused on the cure, like Shane and Bonnie but I can't seem to stop obsessing about Damon and Stefan. I've been keeping them both at a distance. Stefan, because the guilt and regret over how I've hurt him overwhelms me whenever he's near and Damon because I can't give him what he wants without betraying myself, but I don't know how much more of it I can take. I thought I could continue to keep them both at arms length and manage a business-type relationship with both of them, but I can't. They're not just the men I love, they're my best friends, my confidante's, my supporters and I need them by my side. I wake up in the middle of the night, the need to see Stefan, to seek comfort and advice from him burning through me until my body is sweating; I catch myself tapping my foot frantically, unsettled by the thoughts that are churning in my mind that I'm unable to share with Damon. I miss them both so much that it has come to dictate my life, and although my body is shaking with nerves at the thought of seeing them both, there's also a pit of excitement in my stomach.

* * *

**DAMON**

Stefan and me arrive at the lake house a little after 2pm. Bonnie and Shane are outside training Jeremy. We call over to them and say hello and take off inside. I haven't seen Elena since the day before last and we didn't leave things on a great note, so I'm anxious to see her. When we get inside Caroline is in the kitchen grabbing a blood bag from the fridge.

"Hey," Stefan says going up to join her.

"Oh, you're here," she says with a welcoming smile. "Want one?"

Stefan shakes his head and then she looks over to me and the smile fades from her face slightly.

"Hi," she says.

"Nice to see you too," I reply sarcastically.

"Elena's upstairs," she informs us.

I know Stefan won't like it, but I go upstairs to her nonetheless. I want to talk to her alone. I  _need_  to talk to her alone. I search the rooms and find her in one of the bedrooms sitting on the bed. She holds a photo album in her lap and is tracing her finger over the photographs that are inside tenderly. I don't need to see them to know that they're the faces of her parents.

I lightly knock the door and she hastily wipes her face and sniffles before saying, "Come in."

I step in and when she sees me her body becomes tense.

"Oh, hey," she says putting the album aside to face me.

"Hey," I say, with a small smile.

"You decided to come back then."

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about what I said–"

She holds up her hands before I can say anymore and says, "Don't apologise. You were just being honest about how you feel. Sometimes I forget that this is as hard for you as it is for me. I'm sorry."

I nod and give her a sincere and warm smile. All of our anger from the other night has long since passed and empathy and understanding extends between us, because she's right. This  _is_  hard for both of us. Stefan, too. A lot of the time my emotions seem to fade away until there's only anger and frustration left and when that happens my first instinct is to take it out on her, but it's not her fault. I fell in love with her knowing that she was in love with Stefan, knowing that I would likely never know what it feels like for her to be mine. So how can I blame her now for being unsure about me, especially with the sire bond in place?

Now that I see her kind face I'm reminded of how much I love her and I feel an overwhelming desire to be better, to let go of that anger and blame that so often gets the best of me and results in me hurting her. Regardless of how gut-wrenchingly painful it is to be in love with her, it doesn't change the fact that she is the best thing that ever happened to me and that is what I need to remind myself whenever I feel the urge to give into my temper.

"This is your parents room?" I ask her looking around.

"Yeah," she says, looking around the room, a saddened, reflective smile on her face. "Since the day they died there hasn't been a day that's gone by when I haven't thought about them, but when I'm here, it just –it makes me miss them even more."

I can see her attempting to fight back the emotion that is threatening to over spill. I know how deeply she felt the loss of her parents and how much it still affects her, but she's never spoken to me about it before and I've never asked. I go over and sit on the bed beside her.

I peer down on the family photo that the album on the bed is opened on, of her, her parents and Jeremy. They're standing on the dock, her father has a young, goofy Jeremy in his arms who is chuckling so hard that he's red and Elena and her mother have broken their gaze away from the camera and are looking over at them, gushing with love and joy. It's a snap shot in time, but it shows how happy they all were and I can't help but stare at Elena's face. She must be around 12 and there's still a childish, angelic innocence that gives her smile a genuine sincerity that I don't think I've ever had the privilege of seeing in her. Sometimes I think I know Elena well, but seeing this photo makes me wonder who the real Elena is, about who she was before she'd suffered through all the death and tragedy, before she had met me and Stefan and was exposed to our world.

"I don't even recognise myself," she comments sadly, when she sees me looking down at the photograph. She picks the album up from the bed and places it back on her lap. "Everything's changed since then. I never thought my life would be like this."

I reach my hand out and place it on her cheek. Since finding out about the sire bond I've barely touched her, but I don't even think about it. She's hurting and I want to comfort her, to seek comfort in her myself. The second my hand is on her skin, I feel my body begin to tingle. All I've wanted since the night we spent together is to be with her fully, the same way we were that night. To be able to stroke her hair, take her in my arms, kiss her, without the dark shadow of the sire bond looming over us, and in this one moment we have that.

"I promise you, we're gonna find this cure. I promise," I say, leaning forward and looking into her eyes.

She nods and a tear rolls down her cheek. To my surprise she leans forward and presses her face into my shoulder. I want to grip her tight and hold her against my body and never let go, but instead I just lightly wrap my arm around her and hold her close, and the distance that has been between us is finally put to to rest.

* * *

**STEFAN**

After 15 minutes or so of Caroline and I sitting together and chatting, Damon and Elena return downstairs. The second we sense their presence our conversation fizzles out to give way to silence and the atmosphere becomes thick with tension.

"Stefan, hi," Elena says awkwardly.

"Hi," I reply swinging to face her for a brief moment before turning back to Caroline.

All I can think about is what she and Damon were doing upstairs, and the thought of it brings those images into my head all over again of the two of them caught in a whirlwind of primal, sexual passion. Damon having Elena pressed up against the wall, the two of them ripping each other's clothes off, Damon's hands running over her body, kissing her, moans of pleasure escaping from their throats. The mere thought of it makes my body shake uncontrollably with rage. My spine goes rigid, my jaw clenches, my veins start burning and all I want to do is dive across the room and rip Damon's heart from his chest.

"Stefan? You okay?" Caroline asks, sensing the change in me.

I nod, my teeth still clenched and a look of worry comes across her face.

"Where's Jeremy?" Elena asks Caroline.

"He's still outside with Shane and Bonnie. Tell them there's a pot of coffee here if they want some."

Elena nods and takes off outside.

"What was that all about?" Caroline asks Damon with raised eyebrows, the second Elena is gone.

"What?" he asks.

"You and Elena upstairs. Were you using sire bond perks to manipulate her into bed again?"

"Caroline," I say with a light shake of my head.

I can't handle this right now. It's taking all the self-control I have just to keep a lid on the eruption that is about to explode, and if Caroline pushes this any further, I can kiss goodbye to that self-control. My issues with Damon are still unresolved and him going upstairs to Elena has rubbed salt into open wounds, but I've spent the last few days trying to push it all aside, so that we could focus on the cure and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Not that it's any of your business, but Elena and I came to blows the other day and I went to say sorry."

"Damon Salvatore says sorry. Heh. That's new," Caroline says, venomously.

Her snarky comments and attitude are intended to rile Damon up, and it always works, but this time he ignores her.

"Caroline, don't," I say again, more firmly.

She meets my eyes and I shoot her a warning glance and she immediately retracts.

"Stef, can I have a word?" Damon asks.

I gulp loudly, then nod and get up from my seat to follow him outside.

"What is it?" I ask impatiently, before the door is even shut behind us.

"Look, I know you're probably pissed, but all Elena and I did was talk. I said sorry about the other day and that's the end of it," he explains.

"And that took 15 minutes?"

He sighs. "You know what? Believe me or don't believe me, it's up to you. I wanted to talk to you to tell you that you need to start getting over this, you need to fix things with Elena."

"Get over this?" I snarl, my anger getting the better of me. "You slept with Elena."

My resolve falls away and the anger I've carried with me since finding out about him and Elena rears it's ugly head once again.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. I know you're pissed and that you hate me, but you agreed to help find the cure and that means that you need to at least talk to Elena."

"And why would you care about that? I thought me and Elena being on the outs would suit you," I reply.

"Usually it would, but this plan to find the cure is never gonna work as long as we carry on like this. We can pretend everything is fine and dandy, but the three of us can barely stand to breathe the same air as each other for more than 10 seconds. That's a problem."

"So when you were upstairs with her for 15 minutes saying sorry, did you happen to tell her about Klaus and Shane?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "It's best that we tell everyone at the same time. Tonight."

"Tonight?" I ask in surprise. "How the hell are we gonna do that with Shane lurking?"

"Don't worry, brother, I've got it all figured out. I'll suggest take out and send the Professor and Jeremy to get it, and we'll fill Elena and the others in while they're gone."

"I've been thinking," I start. "We need Shane to find the cure, right? So we can't kill him, we need to use him. All we need to do is blackmail him to work with us and once we've found the cure we can get rid of him."

Damon nods approvingly. "Sounds like the perfect plan to me. What about our least favourite hybrid? Has he been in touch?"

"He texted me a picture of the sword this morning."

"Dick," Damon says with a scowl.

I nod in agreement. "He knows it's his leverage and he's using it. As long as he's got the sword, we need him."

"Yeah, well, as long as we have Jeremy and Shane, he needs us. 2-1, brother. We have the upper hand," he says arrogantly.

"And you don't think Klaus could gain the upper hand the second he wanted to? He can't get Jeremy, but he can get Shane, that's why we have to make sure that we get to him first."

Damon nods. "Don't worry, I have persuasive talents when it comes to getting people to do what I want," he says with a smile. "And Stef, before you go, I just wanted you to know...all of this stuff with Elena, it's been a hard slog..."

"That's an understatement," I say under my breath.

"...but you're my brother and I'm with you on this."

I acknowledge his words with a nod of my head and then walk away.

Somewhere deep inside I hate Damon for all of the pain and suffering I've been through at his hands over the years and just moments ago I wanted to rip his heart out, but just as quickly as that feeling arose, it dwindled and now I realise how pleased I am to have him on my side, because I know that if I didn't have him, I wouldn't be as capable or confident in this pursuit of finding the cure. We know each other so well, understand the darkest parts of each other and know the full extent of what we're capable of. We will both lie, manipulate, torture and kill to reach our goal, and that's something that neither of us judge the other for, so for that reason there is no one that I work better with than him, even if we do hate each other a majority of the time.

* * *

**ELENA**

The rest of the afternoon whizzes by and by 6pm it's dark, so we all retreat inside and sit around the fire and the bottle of tequila that lives on Caroline's back seat makes another appearance. There is a clear divide amongst us all and Bonnie, Jeremy and Shane stay together, whilst Caroline and I sit together and Damon and Stefan stay close to one another. We've spent most of the afternoon training, preparing Jeremy for fighting vampries, but also brushing up on our own combat skills. Despite being the youngest vampire present, I've quickly learned that the training I've done with Ric gives me a huge advantage. I can't help but wish he was still here. We're all working together as a team, even Matt and Tyler who couldn't make it to the lake house are still at our disposal, and I feel the absence of Ric weighing heavily on all of us, especially Jeremy. Alaric was Jer's mentor and guide and I know that his advice and fatherly support has been invaluable to him, but it would be even more so now. Jeremy is a Hunter that is surrounded by vampires and a witch, Ric is the one person that he would be able to relate to, because he was a vampire hunter, too. I know that he wishes he was here to share that with him and even with all the loss I've suffered, I have to admit that losing the one remaining parental figure in our lives has hurt more than I expected it to.

I get up and go to the kitchen to grab a soda and just as I'm about to go back, I turn from the counter to find Stefan standing in front of me. I drop the soda in surprise, but he catches it and places it back into my hand.

"Thanks," I say with a nervous chuckle.

"I just wondered if you wanted to talk?" he asks, his voice soft.

My pulse is erratic and my legs have turned to jelly.

"Yeah, sure." I say, swallowing the lump in my throat.

The others are still sitting around the fire, playing cards, having shots and chatting merrily and they don't seem to notice Stefan and I slip outside, not even Damon.

It's a chilly winter's night and out here all that can be seen is the jet black sky and white stars twinkling. It reflects on the surface of the lake, making it even more enchanting. I look out at the dock that Stefan and I stood on when we discussed our future. Even with my impending death looming over me, I was so content, so fulfilled that day, with him and I wonder how we have ended up here just 8 months later. A gust of wind blows causing me to shiver and I pull the sleeves on my jumper down to cover my hands. Perhaps my nerves get the best of me, but I find myself speaking before Stefan even gets the chance.

"Stefan, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I know I've said it already, but I really am. I know that things haven't been right between us since...well since we broke up...", just saying the words causes my chest to tighten. "...and that's my fault. You shouldn't have found out about Damon and me the way you did and –"

"Elena, it's okay," he says holding up his hand and stopping me mid sentence. "Breaking up and finding out about you and Damon...it hurt and it still hurts, but you never lied to me. When we broke up you told me it was because you had feelings for Damon."

"Yeah, but you must hate me..."

"I just...I can't be hung up on it right now with the cure and everything."

I nod and he turns to leave, but then hesitates.

"Just so you know, I could never hate you," he says, his voice quiet.

My heart contracts at hearing him say those words and just as he's about to walk away I step forward.

"Stefan, wait," I say, not ready for him to leave yet.

He turns back to face me.

"Why do you want to find the cure? The sire bond isn't your problem so why would you want to find it?

"Because...it's my fault you're a vampire. You never wanted to be one and I–I failed. I should've protected you, I should've saved you and I didn't. You told me how much you wanted a human life and..." he sighs deeply. "...I want that for you more than anything. I just want you to be happy, Elena and if the cure is the way to make that happen, I'm willing to fight for it."

His intense eyes are on mine and after a few moments he breaks away and looks down at the ground shyly.

"Even after everything I've done, you'd–you'd do that?"

He smiles lightly. "I'm no hero, Elena, but you never asked for any of this, to be a vampire, to be sired to Damon. You deserve a shot at a normal life."

"We all do." I say.

He smiles again. "Yeah, yeah, maybe you're right."

"Stefan, about me and Damon..."

He shakes his head. "I don't need to know. I don't want to know."

"No, it's just...earlier when he came upstairs...nothing happened. And nothing has, not since we found out about the sire bond. I don't know...I just guess I wanted you to know that."

He nods his head and this time when his eyes fall upon mine, he doesn't break away. They glisten in the starlight and I see all of the things that I've always seen in them - desire, passion, anxiety, affliction, doubt,  _love -_ I see it all, feel it all. He's standing about 4 feet away from me, but the two of us instinctively draw closer to each other and all of the surroundings fade from my vision leaving just the image of him. Suddenly it feels that no time has passed since the day we spent here all those months ago and all I want is for him to wrap his arms about me again, so that I forget about the rest of the world and go back to being his.

All of a sudden I see a dark silhouette creep behind Stefan, which causes a puzzled frown to come across my face, but before I can fathom what it is, Stefan flops to the floor.

"Stefan!" I call out. I dash over to him, but just as I'm about to bend down beside him I feel a sharp sting in my neck and... _darkness_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane reveals his true nature, secrets unravel, truths are discovered and unexpected guests arrive at the lake house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter of the story coming in at just over 10k words.

** ELENA **

I feel consciousness return to me a piece at a time, but my eyes remain so heavy that I can't seem to pry them open. The nerves throughout my body are screaming in pain and my head feels woozy.

"Huh? What happened? Where am I?" I croak. My throat is so dry and raspy that I start to choke on my words.

I go to stand up, but realise that I'm tied to a chair by my hands and feet. I struggle against the ropes, but they're soaked in vervain. I'm so hungry that I'm in physical agony and just breathing takes every ounce of strength I have left. My head begins to become foggy and I feel my limbs growing heavier. I let my half-open eyes droop shut again, too weak to fight off the need for rest.

"Elena? Elena?" I hear a voice say.

The voice brings me back and I finally find the strength to open my eyes. My vision is blurry, but I can see that someone is sitting across the room from me. When I manage to focus, I see a head of blonde hair.

"Caroline?" I say. "Caroline!"

Her head is flopped back, her eyes are closed and she doesn't react to me calling her name.

"Elena?" the voice says again. It's Damon, who is beside Caroline, staring back at me, worry all over his face.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I nod and then continue to look around the room and see that Stefan is beside me, also unconscious. He's hunched over, his body limp and I'm close enough to him that I can nudge him with my knee.

"Stefan? Stefan? Stefan!" I call in an attempt to rouse him, but he doesn't come to and so I turn back to Damon.

"He's okay," Damon says. "He's just been injected with vervain."

"Damon, wh–what happened? Who did this?"

"Shane," he says.

"What? Shane? But why–why would he do this to us?"

"Oh, there's a very simple reason for that, Elena. But why don't we wait until your little friends wake up before I get onto that?" Shane says stepping into the room.

He holds a stake in his hand and is sharpening the end with a knife. After a few more strokes he places the blade down on the table beside a pile of vampire weapons.

"Where are Jeremy and Bonnie? What have you done with them?" I ask frantically, noticing that they're not in the room. "If you've hurt them..."

"Don't worry about them, they're fine. They're all warm and cosy upstairs. Slipped a couple of harmless sleeping pills into their drink. They'll be awake in a couple of hours, completely oblivious to what happened. And anyway, do you really think  _you_  should be threatening  _me_ , given the situation?"

"I knew I should've killed you," Damon says through clenched teeth.

Shane chuckles. "Oh, Damon. You truly are a monster aren't you? I should just do the world a favour and end your pathetic life right now."

He unexpectedly runs at Damon then, the stake that he just sharpened still in his hand.

"No!" I scream. "Please, don't! Please!"

He stops when the stake is just inches from Damon's chest and then lets out a maniac chuckle. "Don't worry about your precious boyfriend, Elena. I'm not done with him yet."

I don't know Shane very well, but he all of a sudden seems like a completely different person. His features are twisted with bitterness and when he speaks he almost snarls. He seems so full of hatred and evil and I can't make sense of why.  _Why?  
_

I close my eyes shut tightly, praying that when I open them again I will be tucked up in bed and this will all have been nothing more than a nightmare. I hear coughing then and jerk my eyes open to see that Caroline is awake.

"Caroline! Caroline, are you okay?"

She groans and mutters incoherently, and when her eyes fall on me, they widen in fear.

"Elena?" she says. "Oh, my god. What–? What the hell is going on? Oh my god, Stefan. Is he...?"

"He's fine," Damon says from beside her.

"Damon," she says.

"Damon's right. He's fine. He should be with us any minute now," Shane informs us, glancing down at the watch on his wrist.

"Shane?" she says, in disbelief. "What are you doing? Are you insane? Untie us now!" she exclaims.

She seems to have more strength than I as she wriggles and pulls at her ropes with impressive force, considering the debilitating vervain that is still coursing through her veins and that the is soaking the ropes. "We  _trusted_  you, Bonnie trusted you, you were supposed to be helping us! Why would you do this? Why? Oh, god. Bonnie...Jeremy...are they okay?"

She's asking the same questions as me, suffering through the same uncertainty and fear, so I know that she has no idea why Shane has done this. She's just as in the dark as I am.

"It's okay, Caroline. Just relax," I say attempting to soothe her, although I'm just as terrified as she is.

Stefan suddenly jerks his head up with so much force that the seat he's in topples forward. We all gasp in unison and Damon calls out his name. Shane rolls his eyes and goes over to Stefan, lifting the chair back up.

Stefan's eyes are glazed over and he looks around the room, taking in the scene before him. He doesn't seem to react with shock or confusion like Caroline and I. He rolls his tongue over his teeth and regards Shane with a stern look. He then looks from Shane to Damon and I can see from the look they exchange that they knew this was going to happen. The room falls completely silent for a moment, but is quickly interrupted by Caroline's frustrated groans.

"What the hell is going on?!" she yells angrily.

A pinging sound goes off.

"Ah, that will be my pizza," Shane states casually. "Why don't you fill the girls in on what's going on while I'm gone?"

Caroline and I look to Stefan and Damon. They're looking at each other again, guilt on both of their faces.

"What's he talking about?" Caroline asks.

"Yeah, because clearly you two know something that we don't," I add.

Damon sighs. "Well...when we came here today it wasn't just to help Jeremy train," he admits.

"Then why did you come?" I ask.

"Klaus came to see us yesterday..." Stefan starts.

"Hold on, hold on. Klaus? He's back? I thought he was in New Orleans," Caroline says.

"He was, now he's not," Damon says.

"And what did he say?" Caroline asks impatiently.

"I went to find Rebekah to undagger her," Stefan says.

"What?!" I exclaim. "After everything she's done to us, you were going to undagger her?"

"What the hell were you thinking?" Caroline says.

"I was thinking that she could help us find the cure. But it doesn't matter, because I went to Klaus' house and she wasn't there. When I got back to the Boarding House Klaus showed up and he knew I'd gone to find her, he was pissed."

"You're lucky to still be breathing," Caroline says.

"He wasn't going to kill us, Caroline. He wants to find the cure and he needs us to do that. But he said that we couldn't trust Shane, that his motives for finding the cure weren't what he made out. He wants to find Silas, because he wants to resurrect the dead."

I stare on at Stefan in horror.  _Ressurrect the dead?_  Over the last year I've witnessed things that I believed to be impossible, but even the notion of being able to bring the dead back to life is too difficult for me to grasp.

"Why didn't you tell us all of this before? He's been here with us for 2 days, helping Jeremy, anything could've happened," I say angrily.

"We were waiting for the right moment," Damon says.

"And you thought that moment was now?" Caroline scoffs.

"We sure do know how to pick 'em, eh, Stef?" Damon says with a smile.

"How can you be making jokes? We've been vervained and tied to a chair! Can't you save it, just this once?" Caroline snaps.

"Oh, don't pretend you don't love it," Damon says.

"Okay, that's enough," I say impatiently. "Why is he doing this now? He's been here all weekend, why now?"

Damon and Stefan shrug and then Shane re-appears in the room, a slice of pizza in his hand.

"Because Stefan and Damon were planning to blackmail me. First rule to success; always stay one step ahead of your enemy. I wasn't going to wait around for you to make your move, I had to get to you first and I did."

"How did you know?" Stefan asks.

"Did you really think after everything I went through to complete the ritual to resurrect Silas that I wouldn't take precautions to stop something like this happening? The house is supernaturally bugged."

"Ritual? What ritual?" I question.

"He killed the council." Damon says.

"What?"

"Yup, I killed the council," he states nonchalant. "That should be enough to tell you that I'm not going to let anything stand in my way."

"But why?" I ask, shaking my head in disbelief. "They were innocent."

"No one is innocent, Elena. You'd do well to remember that. Those lives were a necessary sacrifice. A sacrifice I was willing to make."

"So what next?" Damon asks. "You obviously need us for something, otherwise we'd already be dead."

"I want what I've always wanted; Silas, and I can't do that without you, unfortunately. I need Bonnie, I need Jeremy and I need Klaus."

"Klaus? Why do you need Klaus?" Caroline asks.

"That would be telling. All I can say is that he's essential to my plan as are all of you."

"Us? Why do you need us?" I ask with a frown.

"Because without all of you alive, this plan falls apart. Bonnie and Jeremy won't forgive me if anything happens to any of you and Klaus wants you alive, so I had no choice but to play it this way."

"How is tying us up part of your plan?" Damon asks. "You could've carried on playing Mr. Nice Guy and-"

"And the second you had the chance you would've found a way to blackmail me," Shane says. "I just got there first. I've been prepared every step of the way for anything that could go wrong."

"Congratulations," Damon says sarcastically.

Shane goes over to Stefan and grabs his phone from his pocket.

"Why do you need my phone?" Stefan asks.

"I need to get Klaus down here somehow and something tells me he won't come running to a text from me."

"So that's your plan? Get Klaus down here so that he can see that you've got Elena and then use that to blackmail him into working with you?" Stefan laughs and so does Damon. "Clearly you haven't met Klaus."

"He will kill you before you even have chance to blink," Damon says.

"He won't kill me, Damon. I have Elena, Jeremy and Bonnie and I have information about the cure and Silas that nobody else knows."

"Sure you're not over estimating your value?" Damon says. "Klaus has the sword and once we've escaped from you,  _we'll_  have Elena, Jeremy and Bonnie and all you'll have is some drivel from some ancient book of prophecies."

For a moment I see Shane's confidence falter and uncertainty comes across his face.

"And what makes you think you'll escape?" Shane asks, his arrogance returning.

"Because we always do," Damon replies.

"Why do you so desperately want Silas anyway?" I ask, unable to suppress the questions that are burning through my skull. "This is a lot of effort to go through just to bring some vampire back from the dead."

"Silas isn't just some vampire, he's also a witch. He can resurrect the dead and-"

"You lost someone you love," I say, finishing his sentence.

"My wife."

The emotion returns to his face and he seems human once more. In some twisted way I understand the lengths he's going to. Oh, what I would give to see my parents and Jenna again. If I had been faced with the same choice Shane has, with the real possibility of bringing those that I loved back, would I have refused? I would like to believe that I'm more decent than that and that I wouldn't kill or hurt innocent people for my own selfish wants, but when it comes to love morals can easily be overshadowed.

"But how do you know Silas will be able to bring her back? Like Damon said, all you have are what the books tell you," I say.

"That's a risk I'm willing to take," he replies.

"And what if he brings your wife back, and she can't forgive you for all of the innocent lives you've taken in the process?"

"That won't matter. Silas will be able to bring them all back. All of the innocent lives that were lost will be restored. Pastor Young understood, just like me, that sacrifices had to be made for the greater good."

Damon scoffs and says, "All this talk about 'the greater good' is really starting to bore me. Murder is murder, plain and simple."

"Ironic that you of all people should say that."

"At least when I kill I don't make excuses. I take responsibility for it, I own up to the bad stuff I do."

"Shane have you really thought this through?" I ask, my voice soft.

Unlike the others, I believe that there is a vulnerability in Shane and a deep pain that is responsible for his actions, that earns him some small shred of understanding and sympathy.

"I've done nothing but think about this. This is all I've wanted since the day my wife died. I know what I'm doing."

"No, you don't," Caroline says.

"Yeah, sorry to break it to you, buddy, but this entire plan of your sucks," Damon adds. "How do you expect to win this fight when it's 1 human against 4 vampires, an original hybrid and a witch?"

"Damon's right. You haven't thought any of this through. This is a fight you can't win," Stefan says.

"So what? Should I just let you go?"

"Yes," Damon says. "If you want to stay alive, anyway."

"Shane, you want Silas, we want the cure. Nothing's changed. Our plan has always been to work together to get what we want, and if you let us go we can still do that," I say, attempting to reason with him. "But if you go through with this, you'll lose everything. You'll never find Silas and you'll never see your wife ever again. Do the right thing. Please."

I keep my eyes locked on him, hoping that a mixture of emotional manipulation and guilt will be enough to make him see sense. His face is serious, but after a few minutes a smirk comes across his face.

"Did you really think that would work?" he asks with a giggle.

Groans and sighs of disappointment escape all of us.

"I may be one human, but I'm more powerful than any of you realise," he says. "I have Bonnie."

"No, you don't.  _We_  have Bonnie," Stefan says.

"Bonnie would  _never_  choose you over us. The only reason she's been helping you is because she doesn't know any of this," Caroline spits angrily.

"I've been spending time with Bonnie every single day, getting into her head, changing her way of thinking, just like I did with Jeremy. I have molded Bonnie to be one of the most powerful Bennett witches to ever exist. I understand her magic and she trusts me, she talks to me. She needs me."

"You don't know anything about her," I snap.

"Quite the contrary, Bonnie is a witch and you're a vampire. Her magic is something you will never understand. It defines who she is and is at the very core of her being, along with her natural hatred for vampires, who are an abomination in the supernatural world and have leeched off of witches magic for centuries. Perhaps you don't know your best friend as well as you think you do."

How dare he speak about Bonnie like that. She's  _my_  best friend, he doesn't know her, he is nothing to her. My temper rises and I start pulling my arms with force in the hope of breaking the ropes. I want to jump on him and drain the life from his body.

"Elena,  _calm down_ ," I hear Stefan's voice say from beside me.

"I can't," I say through gritted teeth. "I want to kill him."

His words about Bonnie, combined with my ferocious hunger and heightened emotions, get the better of me. I can feel the ropes burning on my skin everytime I move them even an inch, but although I feel it, it doesn't hurt, because my predatory instincts have begun to take over. Stefan knows what is happening to me, because he's all too familiar with it, but his attempts at trying to soothe me fail.

"You know, Elena...I can't kill you, but there's nothing to say I can't kill one of your little friends here," Shane says, walking up to me and bending down in front of my face.

"You need us all alive, you said that yourself."

"No, I need you, Bonnie and Jeremy alive. The other three...eh, well they're disposable."

"You're bluffing. Don't listen to him, Elena," Stefan says turning to me.

Shane brings his fist down on Stefan's face causing a gasp to escape me and Caroline.

"Leave him alone!" Caroline calls.

"You need all of us alive if you want Jeremy and Bonnie to co-operate, including my brother," Damon says.

"Damon's right. If you kill even one of them, I will rip out my own heart. What will you do then?" I say, challenging him. "So, go ahead. Threaten me, tell me you're going to kill them, it doesn't bother me, because I know it's a lie. You need me and more importantly Klaus needs me, and that means that me and everyone I love are untouchable," I say, cockily.

Shane laughs lightly and looks up at the ceiling. "Oh, Elena. Dear, sweet, naive, Elena. Do you really believe that? Do you think that me killing one of your beloved Salvatore's or the blonde best friend would impact upon my plan? Because let me tell you, it won't."

He steps towards the table and gently rubs his hand over the pile of weapons.

"It didn't have to be this way. We all could've got what we wanted," he says taking a stake into his hand and examining the point of it. "But you two just couldn't leave it alone, could you?"

He looks to Damon and Stefan and Stefan snarls at him.

"So, who will it be, Elena? Your best friend? Your one true love? Your bit on the side?" he says smiling smugly. "It's your choice."

"You're bluffing," Damon says.

"Do you really want to find out?" he says ignoring Damon and looking me straight in the eye. "I'll give you 5 seconds to choose." He looks at his watch. "And your time starts now."

Panic starts to wash over me. Up until now I assumed we'd find our way out of this, but I can't see how. Shane is standing there with a stake in his hand, his eyes looking at his watch as the seconds pass by and something deep inside my gut tells me that he's not bluffing. He will use that stake without hesitation, because he's right. If he killed Caroline or Stefan or Damon, it wouldn't impact on his plan to find the cure. He could still find a way to force all of us to comply with his wishes to find the cure.

"2 seconds, Elena. Come on, now,  _think_  or I'll be forced to make the choice for you."

I can feel my heart pulsating in my chest and my body begins to sweat. I meet each of their eyes in turn and they all look anxious and I truly start to believe that this is a choice I will have to make. I will have to choose one of the three people in the world that I love most to die.

"Time's up!" he says.

He steps into the center of the room and looks at each of us in turn and then lunges toward Stefan.

"NO!" Damon, Caroline and I scream in unison.

I use all of my strength to free myself from the ropes, but it's no use, the ropes are too tight and I'm still too weak. I call out Stefan's name and beg Shane not to hurt him.

"Please! Please! I'll do anything! I'll do anything, just don't hurt him! Please! No! Please!" I plead.

All of a sudden I see Caroline rip her arms free and jump up from her seat, causing it to crash to the ground. She sprints over to Shane and tries to disable him, but the vervain is still in her blood stream and as her and Shane struggle, he manages to over power her.

"Caroline!" we all shout in a panic.

"Looks like your pretty little friend made the choice for you," Shane says.

He raises his hand with the stake in and brings it down to her chest. A shriek escapes me and my entire body spasms as the stake makes it's way towards Caroline's heart, but then the two of them disappear. I hear Stefan gasp in shock from beside me and I'm so tired that it takes me a while to register what has happened.

Shane has been flung across the room and is sprawled out on the floor unconscious, and Caroline is on the floor in the center of the room, alive.  _Alive_.

"It's okay, love. I'm here," Klaus says reaching out and picking Caroline up from the ground.

* * *

** STEFAN **

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. Ah." I groan, as I gulp down the last of the blood bag in one.

As the thick blood lines my throat and fills my insides, I feel my strength return almost instantly and the fog in my head clears. I look over at Damon, Elena and Caroline who are still finishing their blood bags and see the colour returning to their cheeks.

"You're all very welcome," Klaus says stepping into the kitchen.

We all look to each other with raised eyebrows. Although we're grateful to Klaus for saving our lives, none of us can bring ourselves to thank him given all the wrongs he's done us in the past.

"I need to go check on Bonnie and Jeremy," Elena says discarding her empty blood bag onto the kitchen counter.

"I'll come with you," Caroline says, following her upstairs.

"I've tied Professor Shane up in the upstairs bedroom. He should be ready to answer a some questions in a few minutes," he says.

I nod.

"So what exactly happened? Let me guess? Damon couldn't keep that big mouth of his shut?"

"Actually-"

"Shane supernaturally bugged the house," I say cutting Damon off.

"Ah," Klaus says with a nod. "And how exactly did one human manage to over power 4 vampires, a witch  _and_  a hunter?"

"He spiked Jeremy and Bonnie's drinks and he got me and Caroline with vervain grenades," Damon says.

"And you and Elena?" Klaus says turning to me.

"He...er...we were talking and he crept up behind me, caught me off guard."

"Even for you two who are incapable at the best of times, your incompetence is astounding."

"Leave it off, Klaus. We messed up, you saved the day, mini wave in celebration of you. Woo hoo!" Damon says sarcastically waving his hands in the air. "Now can we move on and figure out what we're going to do next?"

"I'm going to squeeze the truth out of him about Silas and the cure once and for all."

"And how are you going to do that?" I ask.

"The old fashioned way," Klaus replies with a diabolical smile.

"And what if that doesn't work? It might've escaped your attention, but Shane doesn't seem like the sorta guy to cave under pressure."

"Luckily, all we have is time. He will surrender eventually and when he does, we will have everything we need and the world will be free of Professor Shane."

Damon nods approvingly. "Now, that's a plan I can get on board with."

I sigh deeply. Damon's ability to see things so black and white is both infuriating and admirable. Unlike him, I'm cursed with being forever skeptical and doubtful. On paper Klaus' plan sounds simple, but I'm not naive enough to believe that Shane will easily give up the information we want. He's ambitious, cunning and his motivation comes from love. I understand with perfect clarity the hold that can have. My love for Elena is so unparalleled that there is no limit to what I would do for her and so on some level deep inside I understand Shane's reasons for doing what he's done and I can even empathise.

"Oh, Stef, stop sulking," Damon says poking me with his finger.

"Sure, Damon, whatever you say."

"If you two boys are done with your childish sniping, let's go and have a chat with our little friend," Klaus says.

* * *

** ELENA **

"Jeremy, Bonnie." I say as I step into the bedroom.

They both lie unconscious on the bed side by side. I sit beside Jeremy and check his pulse. He's still breathing, but he's out cold.

"Bonnie okay?" I ask Caroline, who is sat at the other side of the bed next to Bonnie.

"She's fine," she informs me. "We just have to wait for them to wake up."

I nod and sigh deeply, then flop down onto the ground and Caroline comes around the side of the bed and does the same.

"How did we get here?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "I don't know."

"I've been telling myself that when we find this cure everything will go back to normal, but it won't, because Jeremy's right,  _this_  is our life. We're vampires, Bonnie's a witch, Jeremy is a hunter...There's no getting away from it. Even if we find a way to defeat Shane and Silas, there's still Klaus and there will always be someone new to come along that we have to fight," I say. "Maybe it's just time I accept the fact that this is the way it's always going to be."

"It won't always be this way, Elena. We'll graduate and we'll go off to college and we'll have each other. Even if we're vampires we're still going to live," Caroline says.

"How do you do that?" I ask, looking at her.

"What?"

"Always stay so positive."

She smiles and shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe because I have faith."

"I wish I still had some, but I don't. Ever since I turned it's like...nothing makes sense anymore. Like I'm trying to do a jigsaw with the wrong pieces, nothing fits together."

She nods sympathetically. "That's normal. Remember what I was like when I first turned?" she laughs lightly at the memory of it. "I was a mess! I was all over the place and nothing made sense, but it gets better, Elena."

I nod and smile at her. "What do you think they're going to do about Shane?" I ask, changing the subject.

"I'm sure Klaus has some diabolical plan up his sleeve," she replies.

I nod. "I knew finding the cure wasn't going to be easy, but it's been days and we're still no closer to finding it. What if it's not even worth all of this? What if we're making a huge mistake?"

The events of the last few hours have made me doubt everything and I can't pretend to hide it. I'm apprehensive and afraid. Since the day my parents died everybody I love seems to be in constant danger, but for some reason, this time it scares me more than it ever has. I think it's because I know that I wouldn't survive losing anybody else.

"How can you say that, Elena? You want to be a human more than anything and every vampire that's out there will have the chance to start over and have the life they've always wanted. That's worth fighting for."

"I guess. So you're not...scared?"

She sighs softly. "Of course I am," she admits. "But if I gave up everytime I was scared, I would never get out of bed in the morning. Here, drink some more," she says handing me a blood bag. "We need to get our full strength back."

I take it from her and sip on it. For the most part my hunger has been satisfied, now all I can think about is what's going to happen next; to me, to Jeremy, to Bonnie and Caroline and Stefan and Damon. We've faced so many threats in the past, but this is the first time I truly feel like we could be beaten. Perhaps it's because the events that have unfolded since I've turned have left me exhausted and faithless, or maybe it's because I'm simply being realistic. Since the revelation of the cure all any of us have thought about are the positives of finding it; all of the second chances for vampires to be human, to grow old, have a family, all of the reasons that I want to find the cure, but what about the destruction and devastation it could cause if it fell into the wrong hands?

Klaus' motives for wanting the cure don't lie solely in him wanting to use me to create more hybrids, it's because it could be used as a weapon against him. He has a millennium of enemies that would love nothing more than to ram a cure down his throat and rip out his heart and if that happens...we die with him. Caroline, Tyler, Stefan, Damon, me and millions of vampires worldwide would be dead. The cure was created with intentions of love; Silas wanted to be human so as to reunite with his true love, but the cure has become so much more than that. It could change the world and whether that change will be positive or negative solely depends upon who finds it first and that terrifies me.

Fear is as familiar to me as grief, but since I've turned my ability to deal with it has changed. Fear along with compassion is what drove me through my life, it was the force that enabled me to fight back for myself and the people I love, but now...the fear that once gave me courage, cripples me and leaves me paralyzed.

Up until now the greatest threat we have faced is Klaus, but the cure is even bigger, so much so that even Klaus is afraid. My fear of death was awoken in the moment that my parents car went off the bridge, but that fear was erased when I became a vampire. I'm no longer afraid of my own death, but of the death of the ones I love. Since the moment I discovered I was the doppelganger I have been considered a prize possession and that was something I was thankful, because I was valued enough that I was able to trade myself for my friends and family when their lives were in danger, but this is different. There is nothing I can do to prevent the tragedy and danger that they will face over the upcoming days and weeks. I feel so powerless, so helpless.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Caroline asks interrupting my thoughts.

"I'm fine," I reply.

She nods and suddenly Bonnie jerks up with a gasp.

"Bonnie!" Caroline and I call out.

Her eyes are wide with panic.

"It's okay. You're okay," I say reaching out and stroking her arm.

She looks to her side and sees Jeremy unconscious beside her.

"Oh, my god. Jeremy," she whispers under her breath.

"He's fine, he should be awake soon," Caroline reassures her.

"Wh-what happened?" she says putting her hands to her temples. "Ooh, my head."

"I'll get some water," Caroline says, dashing to the bathroom.

"What happened, Elena?" Bonnie asks, reaching out for my arm and meeting my eyes.

"It's Shane," I say with a sigh.

"Shane?" she asks puzzled, her brow furrowed. "But what has Shane got to do with this?"

"He's not who we thought he was, who you thought he was. He spiked your's and Jeremy's drinks and he injected me, Caroline, Damon and Stefan with vervain and tied us up and threatened us."

"What?!" she exclaims. "Are-are you okay?"

I nod. "We're all fine."

"But I don't understand. Why would Shane do that? He's my friend, he's supposed to be helping us."

Caroline returns then and hands the glass of water to Bonnie. She puts the glass to her lips and as she tips the glass right back and takes large gulps, some of it dribbling down her chin. She finishes it in less than a second, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and looks back at Caroline and me.

"I need to see Shane," she says thrusting the empty glass down on the ground and standing.

She's shaky on her legs and Caroline and I jump to our feet to steady her, then guide her back to the bed.

"We'll explain everything, okay?" I say stroking her hair from off her face. "But not until Jeremy's awake."

She looks over at Jeremy, a somber look comes across her face and then she nods.

* * *

** DAMON **

We follow Klaus into one of the upstairs bedrooms and are greeted by an unconscious Shane tied to a chair.

"Let's do this," Stefan says, determination on his face.

Klaus throws a glass of water at Shane's face and he immediately rouses with a splutter and a cough. He remains disorientated for a few moments and struggles against the ropes that keep him constricted. His head rises and his eyes meet us.

"Guess I should've seen that coming," he says.

Klaus steps forward and bends down to his level. "I'm going to make this very simple, mate. You have information that we need and you're going to give it to us. So tell us everything you know about Silas and the cure."

Shane chuckles lightly before saying, "I'm not telling you anything."

Klaus turns towards Stefan and I and Stefan steps forward.

"Shane, face it, you lost. You wanted the upper hand, but you've lost it. If you tell us what you know you're still useful."

"And the second I've told you everything I know you'll kill me."

"True. But at least if you tell us what you know, you'll die with a purpose," I say.

"Enough of this," Klaus says irritably with an frustrated gesture of his arms. "I know you're doing some ritual to resurrect Silas and the first step was killing the council. What's next? And why is Silas so important? Clearly he has some value if you were willing to go to such lengths to resurrect him."

"Apparently he can bring the dead back to life," Stefan informs Klaus. "He's hoping to bring his wife back."

Klaus chortles. "And I thought you were supposed to be smart."

"Guess you were wrong. So either kill me or let me go and we all know which is the best option. You need me to find the cure as much as I need you. I just did what you would've done, what you're doing now; I attempted to use blackmail to gain control and get what I want."

"The problem is, buddy, you were outwitted," I say, with a smug smile.

I don't attempt to hide my pleasure at his unfortunate situation. We managed to escape from him, just as I said we would and that brings me such a perverse amount of joy.

"Look, if you help me resurrect Silas, in return I will help you find the cure. We'll both get what we want," Shane says looking at Klaus.

"Oh, no. I have a better idea," Klaus says reaching for a knife from the inside of his jacket. "I force the information out of you and then slit your throat."

Shane keeps his eyes fixed on Klaus, an intense loathing burning in them. I wait to see a flicker of fear as Klaus grows nearer to him, but he remains unshaken. He's overly confident and relaxed and it unsettles me.

"Does he seem a little too relaxed for a guy that's tied to a chair and about to be cut open?" Stefan whispers, reading my mind.

Klaus brings the knife down on him, slicing his cheek. Shane grimaces, but then a smile comes across his face.

"Is that it?"

Klaus scowls then and hastily cuts the ropes that bind him, before dragging him out of the room by the scruff of his neck. Stefan and I follow him into the bathroom and he fills the sink of water and pushes Shane's head into it at full force.

Panic comes across Stefan's face as he says, "Klaus, are you sure this is the best way?", his conscience getting the best of him, just as it always does when he's faced with observing someone's pain, even someone that deserves it.

Shane's body wriggles and squirms uncontrollably and a moment later there's commotion downstairs and Caroline yelling Stefan's name. Stefan and I immediately sprint down to the sounds of panicked screams and get downstairs to find Elena on the floor choking uncontrollably, floods of water pouring out of her mouth. Bonnie, Caroline and Jeremy surround her, shouting her name in terror. Stefan goes to her and falls on his knees beside her.

"What's happening? What is happening?!" he yells. "Bonnie, do something!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" she shouts in between incantations.

I stand by, paralyzed. Stefan's eyes find mine and I can see that he's begging me to do something, but I'm frozen. Suddenly I have an epiphany and disappear back upstairs to the bathroom. I violently throw Klaus off of Shane, whose head is still emerged under the water and Shane falls down to the ground coughing and gasping for breath.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?!" Klaus growls, getting to his feet instantly and grabbing me around the throat.

"Elena is linked to him!" I shout.

Klaus releases his grip on me and looks at me through wide eyes. Shane continues to cough, but starts to laugh in between.

"I supernaturally bugged the house, did you think I wouldn't take a precaution to ensure that I couldn't be killed?"

"Elena's a vampire. She can't be killed by drowning," Klaus says.

"Not how it works, fortunately for me. If my life ends, so does Elena's. Doesn't matter how I die. Her life is directly linked with mine. Clever, eh?"

I roll my eyes and sigh and Klaus scowls.

"Damn it!" he yells.

He grabs Shane and marches across the hall, tying him back up and I take off downstairs to check on Elena. She's still on the same spot on the floor and the water has stopped flowing out of her mouth. She's coughing and attempting to catch her breath, as her concerned friends stand by fretting over her.

"It's Shane. He's linked to Elena," I inform them breathlessly.

Stefan turns to me.

"What?"

"We can't kill him. If he dies...Elena dies."

Elena continues gasping and I look to Stefan, Caroline, Bonnie and Jeremy. Their eyes reflect the same anxiety I feel and all of us sit by Elena's side, lost for words.

* * *

** STEFAN **

"I can't believe this!" Bonnie exclaims. "I've been so stupid."

"Yes, you have," Damon says.

"This isn't Bonnie's fault," Elena says, jumping to her best friend's defense. "No one could've known this would happen. Not Bonnie, not any of us."

She reaches out and stokes Bonnie's arm tenderly, but it doesn't seem to comfort Bonnie who continues to pace up and down restlessly.

"I almost got you killed, how is that not my fault?" she says. "He used me and my magic and I let him. He's been manipulating me since day one. He never wanted to help me, I was just a prop to him. A weapon."

Jeremy walks up to Bonnie and drapes his arm around her, pulling her into him. "Hey, it's okay. It's okay."

He has more luck than Elena as she buries her head into his chest and falls silent.

"So what do we do next?" Caroline asks.

"We do what we were going to do in the first place; we train Jeremy to kill vampires and once the mark is complete we'll use the sword to decode it," I say. "We don't need Shane to do that, we never needed him. We have everything we need and as long as we stick together, we'll be fine."

I speak with more confidence than I feel, because I can see how desperately they all need the boost. We've all lost our faith in this plan and right now, the cure seems like an impossible dream.

"Stefan's right," Bonnie says, leaning away from Jeremy to regard us. "Shane may have used me, but I'm still more powerful than I've ever been. With my magic, Jeremy, the sword and all of you...I think we can do it."

Clearly Jeremy provided her with the confidence she needed as she seems a different person than she was just a few moments ago. Jeremy beams down on her with pride and he doesn't need to speak for me to know that he agrees with her wholeheartedly.

"So are we all in agreement? We carry on with the plan?" I ask.

Caroline nods.

"Klaus?" I ask looking to him.

His eyes are on Caroline, but after a few moments he looks to me.

"If we're going to do this, we're doing it my way. I'll train the Hunter and I'll be the one to decode the map."

"No. No way," Damon objects.

"That's the deal," Klaus replies.

"Deal," I say.

Damon jerks his head towards me. "What?"

"Deal," I say again.

Klaus nods his head.

"Elena?"

She hasn't spoken yet and when I look over to her, I can see anxiety in her eyes.

"I...I..." she stammers and then takes off out of the front door. Caroline looks to me and shrugs her shoulders.

I wait a few moments and when no one follows her, I decide to. I find her standing outside, her arms wrapped about herself.

"Are you okay?" I say, stepping beside her.

She's staring out at the lake, where the orange sun is just beginning to rise and I know her well enough to know that she's afraid.

"Not really," she admits in a quiet voice. "I've lost sight of why we're even doing this. Look at all of the lies and pain and betrayal that's already happened because of it and we haven't even really begun looking yet. I just...I don't know if it's worth it anymore, not if the cost is this. If it means the people I love being used and manipulated, maybe even killed."

"What about the sire bond?"

"I don't want to be sired to Damon, but if it's a choice between that and keeping Jeremy safe, keeping all of them safe...I know what my choice is."

Since she became a vampire she's changed in so many ways, so much so that there have been moments when I've questioned whether I ever truly knew her at all. But right here, right now, I see her so clearly. She's still selfless, compassionate and even after all of the suffering she's gracious and kind.

"I know you want to keep everyone safe, but you have to realise that you can't take that responsibility on on your own. Finding this cure isn't just about you, Elena. Everybody in there has a reason for wanting to find it."

She nods. "I know that, I do. But I just...I have a bad feeling about all of this."

I sigh. "I know and I've had my doubts too. I still have doubts," I admit.

"Then why did you just say all of that in there?" she asks, turning to face me.

"Because through all of the fear and doubt...I still want to find this cure."

"Why?"

I sigh deeply and my eyes fall to the ground. "Elena...you know why."

When I find the courage to look up at her, she's gazing at me, her lips parted slightly and her eyes glistening with tears. She inhales deeply, her breath shaky.

I clear my throat. "We should...um...head back inside."

She blinks the tears out of her eyes and nods. "Um...yeah, yeah." she says and we walk side by side, our steps in perfect synchronicity.

* * *

** DAMON **

I can just about see Stefan and Elena standing outside through the window. Conversation continues amongst the others, but I don't hear what they're saying, because all I care about is knowing what Stefan and Elena are saying.

"I have to speak to him," Bonnie says.

"Oh, no you're not," Klaus replies. "The deal was that we do this  _my_  way. You don't get to speak to him."

I break my gaze away from the window and back to the others. Bonnie has furious determination on her face.

"Speak to who?" I ask her.

"Shane."

"Whoa, no way. He's a psycho who knows what he could do," I say.

"I'm more powerful than you can even imagine. I can handle myself," she says firmly. "And anyway, we have to break his link to Elena and I can't do that without being in the same room as him."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Damon's right, Bonnie." Caroline says. "He's manipulated you into using your magic without you knowing before. What if it happens again? Who's to say you'll even be able to unlink him from Elena? This is different magic, you said so yourself."

"I can do it," she persists.

Klaus grinds his teeth and begins pacing up and down, his patience wearing thin.

"Bonnie, we've been through enough today. We don't have to do anything right now, you can deal with him tomorrow. As long as he's up there, Elena's safe. We're all safe," Jeremy says stepping towards her.

"No, I need to see him now," she says. "Besides, he's tied to a chair, what can he do to me?"

"Fine, if you're going to be stubborn about it, then I'll just have to come with you," I say.

I see Caroline and Jeremy look to me in surprise, but I ignore them and follow Bonnie who is already heading upstairs. Shane is still tied to to a chair in the bedroom and his eyes widen when he sees Bonnie. It's the first time I've seen him look nervous and even if I'm not the reason he is, I feel pleased that he's finally experiencing some shred of fear.

"Bonnie," he says. "Let me guess, you're here to undo the spell that's linking me and Elena? Am I right?"

"You lied to me," she says ignoring his question and getting straight to the point.

"I did what I had to do."

"You lied!" she shouts.

The nightstand flies across the room and crashes into the wall with an almighty crash, causing me to duck instinctively.

"What the hell was that?" I say.

"That was Bonnie," Shane says.

Bonnie turns to face me, a look of worry on her face.

"What did you do to her?" I ask stepping forward. "Her magic is out of control."

"I didn't do anything. I just helped her to access her full power, the only problem now is that without my help, she won't be able to control it."

"What do you mean?"

"Bonnie is the most powerful Bennett witch to ever exist, but having that kind of power...it could destroy her."

"You did this to me! You turned me into this!" Bonnie screams.

I've never seen her so furious. Her temper is so harsh, that I can almost feel myself cowering away from her.

"I helped you, Bonnie. You had no one, no one that understood. Since the day you became a witch you've been used by everyone around you, I've given you the power to stop that. You never have to answer to anyone again. You should be thanking me."

"Thanking you? You've turned me into a monster!" she shouts, causing more bedroom furniture starts flying around the room. "You've tricked me into using the darkest magic there is! I trusted you, I thought you were my friend, but you...you're evil!"

Her screams grow frantic and suddenly the windows smash scattering shards of glass everywhere. I dive onto the floor and keep my head down. When I finally look up at Bonnie, she's standing firm on the spot, her face contorted with fury. The ground begins to shake and a powerful gust of wind circles around the room, causing the contents of it to go flying.

"Bonnie! Bonnie!" I yell, but she doesn't seem to hear me.

I get to my feet, run to her, grab her shoulders and turn her towards me. "Bonnie, stop!" I shout in her face.

She meets my eyes and I notice they're black, as though she's become consumed by her magic. A voice calls her name from behind me.

"Bonnie!"

It's Elena. She's at the door way, holding onto the door frame with all of her strength as she fights against the gales that are getting stronger with each second.

"Bonnie, this isn't the way! Control it! You're the strongest person I know, you can do this! You can do it! Fight it, Bonnie! Fight!"

The wind slowly eases and Bonnie's hands fall down to her side. Elena has her in her arms in less than a second and Bonnie is sobbing. The others appear in the doorway then, looks of terror on their faces. Jeremy barges through the door and goes to Bonnie, practically pushing Elena off of her.

"You're okay, you're okay, you're okay," he says grabbing her and holding her tight.

Stefan steps into the room and retrieves Shane from the rubble and places the chair upright.

"Come on, let's get out of here," he then says heading for the door.

Everyone obeys and leaves the room.

"Hey, Damon," Shane's voice says.

I stop as I'm halfway through the door, but don't turn to face him.

"Just remember what I said. Bonnie needs me if she ever expects to control her magic. Without me it will consume her until there's nothing left and that means that you need to keep me alive."

"Is that right?"

"Yes, it is. Because just think about how young Elena would feel if you stood by and let me die, knowing that I was the one that could save her best friend?"

I take in his words, but remain silent and leave the room without looking back.

When I found out about the cure I had no idea how much it would complicate my already over-complicated life. I think back to the night I spent with Elena and I wish with everything I have that I could go back to that and remain in that naive joy forever. I want to go back to before the sire bond, before the cure, before Shane, before the world turned upside down. But all I have left is the memory of it and although that memory is what has gotten me through this last week, it doesn't feel like it's enough this time.

* * *

**ELENA**  
  
The evening arrives with none of us having slept for over 24 hours, except for Bonnie who passed out from exhaustion after her encounter with Shane. The house has taken a hit following Bonnie's outburst and a lot of the furniture, crockery and glasses have been destroyed, so we've spent most of the morning and afternoon tidying up and have only just found the chance to sit down. The TV is on and Stefan, Damon, Caroline and me are sitting in silence, pretending to watch it. Klaus disappeared around midday and hasn't been back since. And me...I'm so exhausted that my mind for once is completely and utterly blank. Jeremy is in the kitchen making a sandwich and I get up and go to him.

"Jer, you should go and get some sleep," I say wondering over to him and rubbing his arm. "You haven't slept in over 24 hours, you must be exhausted."

He nods and rubs his eyes. "I am, but how can I sleep when all of this is going on?"

I sigh deeply. I've failed Jeremy in so many ways and here I am doing it again. This is our parents lake house, one of the last pieces of them that we have left where we can come and remember them fondly, but it's been tainted. I brought him here so that he could train to kill vampires and in the last 48 hours he's been drugged by a psychopath that is now bound and gagged in the upstairs bedroom with the pink floral wallpaper I picked out when I was 8 and the house has almost been destroyed by Bonnie's rage. Even with all of the tidying we've done, the house is still a mess and it pains me that the one happy place we had left has become consumed by the darkness that seems to follow me wherever I go. He reaches for a broken photo frame that lies on the counter. It's a photo of mom and dad on their wedding day. He doesn't say anything, he just runs his finger over it.

"I'm so sorry, Jeremy," I say, my voice cracking. "I should be protecting you from all of this."

He shakes his head. "It's not your fault. It's never been your fault, this is just the way our lives are now."

I look at his face and wonder how and when he became so mature and wise. I admire him for that, because where he can find the strength to accept what our lives have become, I still can't. Finding the cure is part of that denial, of that refusal to admit that regardless of whether I'm a human or a vampire,  _this_  is my life and it's never going to change, because I'm the cause.

"You know, they would be so proud of you," I say nodding my head down at the photo in his hands.

"Oh, come on," he says rolling his eyes.

"No, Jer, they would. I am."

A small smile comes across his face and he leans forward and kisses my head.

"I think I'll eat this upstairs and then get some rest," he says.

I nod and watch him go upstairs, then wipe the tear that has escaped my eye and head back to the living room.

"Is he okay?" Caroline asks me.

"I think so."

"He's a strong kid."

"Yeah. Yeah, he is," I say.

"How about you? Are you okay?"

I nod. "I'm just tired."

"You should head up to bed," Stefan says.

I look to him and shake my head.

"Nah. I know I won't be able to sleep," I say. "Besides, there's no where to sleep. There's only 3 bedrooms. Bonnie is passed out in one, Jer's in the other, so unless I wanna share a bed with Shane, I think I better pass."

I laugh lightly, but the others don't join in with my laughter and I wonder if it's too soon to be making jokes.

"Well, if we're staying up all night again, might as well have a drink. Who else wants one?" Damon says getting up from his seat.

Caroline, Stefan and I all call out 'me' and Damon goes to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of bourbon and 4 glasses. The drinks are exactly what we needed and it lifts our moods immediately and gets us talking. I watch the three of them drinking and laughing and talking and everything feels so surreal. Even after everything we've been through - not just tonight, but over the course of our lives - we're all still sitting here together, having found enough courage to carry on living, to carry on smiling.

Maybe it's the alcohol, but I feel a wave of gratitude and love wash over me. I'm so used to having them around that I often take them forgranted, but I realise how blessed I am to have them in my life. Even if it's a life as messed up as this one.

At around 3am Caroline turns in, too exhausted and drunk to continue.

"Where are you going to sleep?" I ask her.

"At this stage I would actually be willing to top and tail with Shane."

Stefan, Damon and I all chuckle lightly, the alcohol in our system having allowed us to loosen up and laugh at the joke that they couldn't earlier.

"Night," Caroline says.

"Goodnight," we all call back.

The smile is still on my face from saying goodnight to Caroline, but the second she's out of sight, I realise that I'm in a room alone with Stefan and Damon. The armchairs they sit on are side by side and when I look at their faces I can see that the smiles have fallen from their faces, too. There was a time when the three of us would spend most evenings alone together at the Boarding House and I regret how awkward things have become between us. Even with how hard I've tried to fix things, our issues remain unresolved and I doubt if they will ever become resolved.

"Well...", Damon says, "...this is awkward. Who would've thought there would come a day when I'd actually want Caroline Forbes to be here?"

Stefan rolls his eyes and I smile, because Damon is still Damon. He's using his sense of humor as a barrier, that's what he does and the fact that he's still doing it brings me comfort and hope that things are repairable between the three of us. I consider making some excuse to leave the room to avoid the conversation that is no doubt about to unfold, but then I realise that neither one of them has done that yet, which means that regardless of how uncomfortable it might be, they  _want_  to be here.

I sigh, set the glass in my hand down on the table and I sense their bodies become rigid with anticipation before I've even began to speak. "Look, I want to thank you both for everything you're doing to find the cure. I know you're not doing it just for me, but...thank you. You know that I want to be human again more than anything, but I want to keep the people I care about safe more. Knowing about the cure has already almost got us all killed and it's only going to get worse, so I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise me that if this gets too much, you'll walk away. Finding the cure is worth nothing if I lose you. I need...I need you to promise me that you'll come back home after all of this is over. Both of you."

"Elena...finding this cure is dangerous, you know that. How can we promise that?" Stefan says.

"Because I know the lengths you would go to to find the cure and all I'm asking is that you don't go to those lengths. It's not worth dying for," I say looking at Stefan.

He looks away from me and to Damon. Damon sighs and then nods.

"I know how messed up everything is right now, but I...I couldn't bear to lose either of you."

Their eyes are fixed on me, their expressions serious and intense.

"So, promise me."

"I promise," Stefan says.

"Damon?"

"Yeah. I...I promise."

"Good. Now if you break that promise I have permission to kill you myself."

They both laugh lightly and in an instant the tension is broken.

"Now, pour me another one of those," I say pointing at the bottle of bourbon on the coffee table.

Smiles are on both of their faces and relief flows through me. Stefan puts his glass on the table and Damon refills each of our glasses, but just as I'm about to put the glass to my lips and take a sip, someone crashes through the front door and I spill the drink down my sweater. Before I even have chance to react someone has grabbed Stefan from his seat and has him pinned up against the wall by his throat.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Damon yells.

I get up from my seat and run over to Stefan.

"Re-Rebekah?" I gasp when I see that it's her that has Stefan around the throat.

Damon tries to get her off Stefan, but she's too strong and doesn't even react to him trying to pry her hands off Stefan's neck.

"You coward! How did it feel to stab me in the back like that?" Rebekah shouts in Stefan's face.

Klaus appears then and rips her off of Stefan. Stefan coughs and rubs his throat.

"There, there, little sister. Remember what I said about keeping your cool? As I recall, it wasn't Stefan that was responsible for daggering you."

In an instant Rebekah's temper seems to fall away and she turns to Klaus with a smile on her face. "That's right. It was you, my oh, so loving brother. Over a thousand years and still nothing changes."

"When you said that you had a plan, I didn't realise  _this_  is what you meant. A warning might've been nice," Stefan says looking at Klaus.

"What can I say? I'm all about surprises," Klaus replies with a wry smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebekah has information that means the group have to face the prospect of teaming up with her as well as Klaus, much to their annoyance. Stefan and Damon try to build bridges, but Stefan is still overwhelmed with emotion about his and Elena's recent break-up and her relationship with Damon.

** STEFAN **

"Why is she here?" Damon says turning his nose up at Rebekah.

"Because thanks to her and my little brother's evil ways, she has the information that Shane refuses to provide us with," Klaus replies.

"What? How?" I ask raising my eyebrows.

"Because when Kol and I found him, he didn't have the luxury of being linked to precious Elena over here."

She struts past Elena, running her finger across her shoulders and Elena squirms and scowls in disgust.

"Oh, don't pout. It's really not attractive," Rebekah says.

"There's no way I'm working with  _her,_ " Elena says through gritted teeth.

"Well, you really don't have a choice. And anyway, Rebekah and I have made a deal, haven't we, love?" Klaus says looking to his sister with a smile.

"What deal?" Damon asks.

"As long as no harm comes to her, Rebekah has promised to provide us with the information we need and to work harmoniously with all of us, and in exchange she will be accompanying us on our search for the cure."

"What?" Damon, Elena and I all exclaim in unison.

"That wasn't part of the plan, Klaus," Damon says.

Suddenly Klaus' face turns to thunder and his shoulders go back. "Nor was me having to save your arses from Professor Shane, but I still did it now, didn't I? You will do as _I_  say or else trying to find the cure to win the affections of the woman you love will be the least of your concerns."

Damon falls quiet and I sense the awkwardness from him and Elena instantly.

"You hate me," Elena says looking to Rebekah. "And you've already killed me once. Why should I trust you?"

"Because unlike you, I don't stab people in the back," she retorts.

Elena scoffs. "Yeah, right."

Rebekah's expression changes and I recognise the look of fury that comes across her face. It's the same as Klaus'. "You ought to be careful, Elena. Wouldn't want to get on my bad side."

"Why? What are you going to do?" Elena asks, challenging her.

"Well, let's just say, next time your car goes off a bridge there won't be vampire blood or Stefan the hero to save you and your little friends."

A hiss escapes Elena's throat and she springs forward, her fangs bared. Rebekah retaliates with the same aggression and I hear Klaus chuckle. Damon and I instinctively jump forward and I reach my arm out in front of Elena to protect her from harm.

"Elena, stop," I say quietly in her ear.

She immediately weans and retracts her fangs. I gently push her back with my arm and I stand closer to her, keeping my arm in front of her as a barrier between her and Rebekah. Damon is at her other side and the three of us are banded together, our bodies tense and our breathing heavy. We're on the defensive, ready to fight.

"Now, now, there's no need for violence," Klaus says, an amused grin still on his lips.

"Why don't you just leave?" I say looking at him. "Think we've had enough for one day."

"You aren't even the tiniest bit curious as to what Professor Shane told our Rebekah?"

"No. Don't care, at least not tonight. We need some time to rest. It can wait until tomorrow," I say again.

"Wait? It most certainly can't wait," Rebekah says irritably. "Finding this cure is a ticking time bomb and you morons have already wasted enough bloody time."

"Come on, Rebekah. Let's get home, love. We've clearly over stayed our welcome and the cure will still be there tomorrow."

I look to Klaus with wide eyes, surprised that he of all people is actually willing to be reasonable.

"Just remember, that if at any point you stop being of use to me, I won't hesitate in removing you. Because, believe me when I say that the cure is the only thing that I care about and all of you are completely disposable. Don't make the same mistake that Professor Shane did. Don't overestimate your worth."

And with that Klaus disappears into the night. I look to Rebekah and she smiles smugly before following Klaus into the darkness. The three of us sigh with relief and Damon closes the door behind them.

"Right, so who wants a refill?" Damon asks with a smile heading over to the table where our glasses sit.

I always wonder how he's able to do that. To just instantly switch off and continue to make fun of the situation. No matter how hard I try I can never seem to do the same.

"What are we going to do? We can't trust her," Elena says, flustered.

"Oh, Elena, relax. Have a drink," Damon replies, pouring the drinks.

"Relax?  _Relax_? How am I supposed to relax, Damon? Rebekah is back and-"

"And we can worry about it tomorrow," I say.

She looks to me and I see surprise on her face. She expected me to back her, but the truth is, I'm too tired. I think back to what Elena said just hours ago when she admitted to me that she was ready to give up on finding the cure and I convinced her not to. If she came to me now saying the same I fear that I would allow her to give up, because with each passing hour more obstacles seem to be thrown at us and I too am already starting to lose sight of why we're doing this.

"No," she replies firmly. "We can worry about it now."

"Look, Elena, Stefan's right. We've had enough crap for one day, I think you should just go and get some sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow."

She looks at me with pleading eyes, but I'm not sure what she wants me to do. She goes to open her mouth again, but Damon holds up his hand.

"Just do what I say. Go to bed, Elena," he says again.

"Fine. I'm going," she replies sulkily, before taking off upstairs without saying another word. I watch her go, looking after her with raised eyebrows.

"Well, that was easier than I thought," Damon says.

"Huh."

"Oh, I know that look. What is it?" Damon says.

I go over and sit down on the couch. "When have you ever known Elena to back down from a fight that easily?" I ask.

"Erm, never." Damon says, gulping down the glass of bourbon in his hand.

Suddenly a look of realization comes across his face as his thoughts catch up to mine.

"The sire bond," he says, his eyes wide.

I nod. The moment of weakness dissipates and my strength returns, as I'm reminded of how important the cure is. It isn't just about giving Elena her life back, it's about giving her her  _freedom_  back and that is something I am willing to fight for. Silence extends between Damon and me and when I look at him, he's biting his lip and for a moment I think I see his eyes glistening. I've been so angry at him, that I've forgotten that he's suffering too.

"Damon, I need you to know...the sire bond...it's not your fault. It's not anyone's."

"Every time she does something because I've told her to, it's my fault, Stefan. Don't sit there and pretend you don't hate me, because I hate myself, so you must  _really_  hate me."

I can see how genuinely cut up he is and I see a glimmer of the brother that I knew as a child; one filled with compassion and kindness. His feelings for Elena connect him to his humanity, in the same way mine do. He's once again capable of guilt and regret and shame and in this moment I can see that he feels the weight of each of them.

"I don't...hate you." I say.

He laughs lightly. "Very convincing, Stef," he says sarcastically.

"What do you want me to say? Elena broke up with me because of you and then you slept with her. I'm always going to hate what you did, but I don't hate you. You're...you're still my brother."

"I really wanna find this cure, Stef. We have to find it."

I nod. "And we will. This is why we're doing all of this. This is why we're working with Klaus and Rebekah and Shane, why we're still sitting here together, even after everything that's happened. It's for her."

Damon nods and reaches his hand out and places it on my shoulder. He acknowledges me with a small smile and I'm comforted in the knowledge that for now at least our love for Elena is what unites us.

* * *

** ELENA **

I enter my parents' bedroom and find Jeremy curled up fast asleep in their bed, the covers up to his nose. I stand near the doorway for a few minutes just watching him. He looks so serene, so innocent that I forget that he's 16 years old. In the same way that a parent always perceives their son or daughter as being their baby, to me, Jeremy will always be my goofy, little brother with dribble on his chin and his finger up his nose. I wish more than anything that I could protect him from the world, to keep him as that sweet little boy forever, but I can't, not this time.

He's a Hunter and he's part of finding the cure. He didn't ask for it, but I didn't ask to be a doppelganger either, and neither of us can run from who we are or escape our fate. Since the moment I met Stefan and found out about the supernatural world, I wished that I could go back to worrying about the trivial things that most girls my age are occupied with; what college to go to after graduation, what outfit to wear to the Christmas party, what to do over the summer. Part of being 18 years old is living in the future, making plans and being filled with excitement about what's to come, but instead all I can think about is what will happen today and tomorrow, wondering if me and the people I love will even live to see the next sunrise, and that is a worry that I never wanted Jeremy to have. I kept the truth about vampires and had Damon compel him to forget about Vicki's death, all to avoid him becoming exposed to this life, but I failed.

I can hear Stefan and Damon's voices from downstairs. Vampire hearing is more of a curse than a blessing, but I've already learned to filter what I want and don't want to hear and the mention of the word "sire-bond" tells me that this particular conversation is one I don't want to hear. The stress of the cure and the sire bond is already dictating my every waking moment and I just need to take these few minutes to fall into the silence.

I easily block them out and instead focus on the family portrait of my parents, Jeremy and I that hangs on the wall. I wonder what they would do if they were still alive. I've tried so hard to shelter him from the pain of losing them and the horror of being part of this new world, but I've failed and I will keep failing, because I'm not them. I remember when Jenna admitted having the same fear of feeling inadequate in comparison to my mom, of being incapable of taking care of Jeremy and me. When she told me I thought she was crazy, because I couldn't understand how she could think that of herself. She was the only person in the world that was capable of being our guardian and her guidance and love carried me and Jer through that terrible time, but I'm not Jenna and I'm not my parents. Losing them has forced me to mature and grow in so many ways, it's forced me to take responsibility, but I'm still just an 18 year old girl that is damaged beyond repair and completely and utterly...lost. I try so hard to fight against it and be the best I can for Jeremy's sake, so that I can be his sister, his parent, his teacher, his protector, so that I can be everything, but maybe it's time that I accept that I am still that 17 year old orphan that lost her parents and that no matter how hard I try, that will never change.

I stoke my finger across the faces of my parents, sigh softly, and wander into the en suite to brush my hair and teeth and change into pajamas's. When I get back into the bedroom Jeremy is still fast asleep and snoring lightly. I walk around to the other side of the bed, pull the covers back and climb in. I try not to disturb him, but he shifts and groans lightly. His eyes open slightly and when he sees me a small smile comes across his face.

"Oh, hey," he says, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I reply. "There's no where else to sleep."

"No, it's-it's alright," he says. "Are you okay? Where's everybody else?"

"Caroline and Bonnie are asleep in the other bedroom and Stefan and Damon are still downstairs."

"Did something-did something happen?"

How does he do that? Even when I'm doing my best poker face, he can still sense when something is troubling me. Tears well up in my eyes and when he sees how upset I am, he props himself up on his arm and looks at me with concern.

"What's happened?" he asks again.

"Nothing, nothing's happened. Jer, I just want you to know that you matter more to me than anyone in the world and I'll do anything to keep you safe. Anything."

He nods. "I know, I know that."

I nod. "Good. Now come on, let's get some sleep."

He doesn't ask anymore questions and simply puts his head back down on the pillow, where sleep takes him back over within seconds. I move closer to him, so that I can feel his body warmth and close my eyes. Damon and Stefan are silent now, but I know they are still downstairs because I can hear their heartbeats.

Sometimes I catch myself feeling surprised at how resilient their relationship seems to be. I thought for sure that Stefan finding out about Damon and I sleeping together would damage their relationship beyond repair, but in the days that have passed they seem to always be close to one another. Even with the sense of betrayal that Stefan feels, there is an overriding sense of trust that he has with Damon that cannot be broken. The second we're faced with an obstacle they band together and I'm so comforted by that, because as strong as they are individually, their combined strength is a force to be reckoned with.

In the time I have known them I thought I had grown to know them well. I know that for all of their differences they're both determined and ruthless, that they refuse to surrender even at the hardest of times and that despite all of the terrible things they've done, they are  _good,_ but one thing I didn't understand until now is their relationship with each other. The destruction and hatred and violence that was as a result of them being in each other's lives always made me question how they could still care for each other and why after everything they still seem to desperately cling to each other, but now as I lie here looking at Jeremy I understand.

There is nothing that could ever destroy my love for him, because my relationship with Jeremy is the purest and realest thing in my life. I minimised that same familial relationship with Stefan and Damon because I assumed that a century of trauma and betrayal had broken them, but now I understand. I finally can see that even with the baggage of over 100 years, underneath it all, Stefan and Damon are nothing more than two brothers that were nurtured and taught by the same parents, that shared a bed and toys, that played together in the summer and sat up at night under the covers swapping stories. They shared all of the things Jeremy and I shared and even if Stefan and Damon fail to acknowledge it themselves, they love each other and need each other more than anyone else, and that's why no matter how much pain they suffer at the other's hand or how much they claim to hate each other, they remain standing by each other's side. I always knew how important they were to each other, I always understood that beyond their resentment there was love, but I also believed that my sleeping with Damon would be the undoing of them and the fact that it hasn't just proves that I knew nothing of the depth and complexity of their bond.

Knowing that I was wrong, that I underestimated their importance to each other makes my heart swell and reminds me of why I love them. It's because even though they have committed unspeakable atrocities, they are still  _human._ They're still capable of one of the purest and simplest love's that exists; the love between siblings. Sometimes I wish I couldn't see it and that instead of seeing the good in them, I could only see the terrible things they've done; the innocents they've murdered, the lies they've told, the evil they've unleashed, the monster's that they are. It would be so much easier to see things that black and white, but I can't. Besides how can I judge them for those things, when I am a monster myself and when I have committed the same acts? As a human I chose to see the best in Stefan and Damon, but now that I'm a vampire it's about more than choice. I  _have_  to see the best in them, because if I don't who will see the best in me?

* * *

** STEFAN **

I hear giggling. It's so joyous, so playful, but instead of filling me with my own sense of joy, all I feel is dread. The space around me is so dimly lit that I can barely see where I am, but nonetheless I walk forward towards the sounds, pulled by a burning curiosity. Just before I round the corner I hear more laughing. This time it's a different voice, but it's as familiar to me as the first.

And then I see them.

They're lying on top of the bed, both of them only in their underwear, their arms draped over each other, legs entwined, eyes locked, beaming smiles upon their faces. He teases her with kisses, nibbles and tickles and she throws her head back in ecstatic laughter, as he clambers on top of her smothering her neck, chin and face with more kisses. The vision stops my heart in it's tracks and all breath escapes me. The corners of my vision go black, but a bright white light shines down on them and the sounds of their laughter echoes in my ears, causing my entire body to shake uncontrollably.

Earth shattering devastation threatens to swallow me whole and a howl escapes me, so shrill and piercing that my own heart turns to ice at hearing it. Neither of them seem to react and he rolls back onto his side of the bed, where she then climbs on top of him and starts kissing him vigorously. Her hands are running up and down his chest, whilst his tongue explores her body and in an instant the shock is replaced with a rage unparalleled by anything else and my howl turns into a roar. My legs go rigid and I pounce forward, my fangs bared, ready to spill blood, but just as I'm about to land onto the bed to rip him off her, my body smashes into a solid barrier at full force and I'm flung across the opposite side of the room like a rag doll. I shake my head, disorientated and confused, but charge back up to them, only to be stopped again by an invisible veil.

I stand at it and thump my hand on it. "Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEY!" I scream so loudly that my lungs feel they are about to burst into flames. "GET OFF OF HER! ELENA! ELENA! ELENAAAAA! NO! ELENA!"

Once her name has left my lips once, I cannot seem to stop and scream her name over and over and over, until my screams turn to shrieks and then to wails. Hysteria overtakes me and I continue to frantically pound my fists against the wall that separates us until my fists are bloody, but still they continue to roll around giggling, as though they're the only two people that exist in the world.

His hands run up her back and reach for the clasp on her bra. I hear moans and grunts of pleasure escaping them and there is so much pressure in my head that it feels that it's about to implode. I fall to my knees grasping at my head, surrounded by my own blood and tears, my entire body wracked with a physical pain that is incomprehensible, and still I call out her name, still I continue to watch through streaming eyes as they kiss each other with a deeper hunger and discard their underwear onto the floor and press their bodies even closer together and arch their backs and groan louder and...

I gasp as I return to consciousness suddenly. My eyes are open, but I'm completely unaware of my surroundings and I'm clinging to my chest, fighting for breath as I attempt to distinguish between reality and dreams. I'm on my knees on the floor and it's minutes before I manage to regain some semblance of control. I speedily scan the room and my mind syncs back up, as I recall the events of the last 24 hours and once again remember where I am and why I'm here.

Three glasses and an empty bottle of bourbon lie on coffee table and Damon is fast asleep in the arm chair next to me, his breathing heavy and even. I clamber to my feet and the vision of his hands and mouth on Elena is still at the forefront of my mind. It overwhelms me with the urge to grab him around the throat, throw him across the room, bash his head on the concrete floor and then rip his heart from his chest and ram it down his throat. And even  _that_  wouldn't be enough, because it wouldn't even come close to unbearable the pain he has caused me.

I stand over him and clench my fist. I could so easily do it. I could kill him right here right now and I truly believe that it would ease the pain I feel and I know it would put an end to the burning rage that causes my blood to boil whenever I look at him. I can feel myself getting closer to him, the temptation growing stronger, the Ripper within me coming to the surface, but then Damon shifts slightly and I immediately remember that any anger that killing Damon may take away, would only be temporary and what would follow would be so much worse. For all the times I've wanted to kill Damon with my bare hands, there's one simple reason as to why I've never been able to go through with it and it's that for all of the torment he puts me through, I still couldn't live without him.

I take off on my heels, disappearing out of the front door in a whirl, leaving Damon behind, still sleeping and more importantly still breathing.

The sun is shining in the blue cloudless sky and there's a winter's frost on the ground reminding me once more that Christmas is just around the corner. I remember spending my entire childhood being excited for the holidays - despite my belief in Santa being destroyed when I was only 4 years old thanks to Damon - but I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. There were some Christmases that I spent with Lexi that were better than most, but they were still nothing more than a reminder that I was alone in the world, with the my only ties being to Damon who was God only knows where. I had hoped that this year I would at least have Elena to share it with, but it looks like this Christmas is to be another spent alone, craving for the comfort and joy of belonging to someone, somewhere...

My car still sits in the driveway and I could easily jump in it, drive and just keep driving and boy, do I want to. I stand at the bumper of the car and contemplate it for a few moments. Travelling the world, always being on the move, is the only way I've ever known to deal with pain and it's what my instincts are telling me to do now, but I don't. Instead I pass by the car and wander into the trees beyond. I wonder if I'm a fool for doing that, for choosing to stay, even after everything that has happened. Sometimes I'm so out of touch with myself, unable to access my own thoughts and feelings, but my motive and reason for staying is very clear to me.

It's Elena, of course. It's always Elena.

But I'm not naive. I saw the exact moment that Elena started to care for Damon and the exact moment when he started to fall in love with her. I saw it all happen. Somewhere in between the battles against our enemies and their efforts to save me, they bonded. I watched as each day her trust in him grew and his love for her changed into something more. I knew with perfect clarity what was between them before Damon told me he loved her, before Elena told me that she'd kissed him, before I found out they'd slept together, and I still understand that even now there is something between the two of them different than what is between Elena and me. Perhaps I will never understand what it is, but I know it exists and I also know that even if Elena takes the cure and the sire bond is broken, she could still choose him.

I'm still clinging to that tiny shred of hope that maybe Elena and I will find our way back to each other, like we have done so many times before, but I don't stay because of that. I stay because she's still important to me and honestly, because she is my life. If I walk away from here, from her, where do I go? I've lived for 163 years without her, but the thought of going on with my life without her after knowing her is something I can scarcely imagine. I don't know what my life looks like without her because everything I do is for her, everything I am is because of her, everything I want is her, everything I  _need_  is her.

I continue walking through the trees, not really paying much attention to where I'm going, but just determined to keep going. Keep going. The flashes of Elena and Damon return to my consciousness and blink through my mind on repeat, causing me to groan and grunt with physical pain. When I lost Katherine I was devastated beyond words and her loss caused me so much grief that I carried it with me for over a century, until it damaged me beyond repair, but the love I have for Elena is different. Stronger.  _Too strong_.

I've felt the weight of losing Elena in the past, but being ripped apart by death or Klaus was easier, because part of me knew that even if we weren't together, we still loved each other, but this time...Elena  _chose_ to leave me and for  _my brother._ I accepted her feelings for him long ago but that's because I truly believed that it would never be enough to come between us. She reassured me so many times that I would never lose her to him, but I have and it's just...it's too much.

I spent the hours after finding out about Damon and Elena atop the hill where I took Elena when we believed it was her last day as a human and I sat there. I didn't drink, I didn't feed, I didn't cry, I just sat there. I looked at the trees, watched the sunset and when darkness fell I still remained sitting on the cold, hard ground, unable to move or think or feel, as though I had temporarily ceased to exist. The moment I picked myself up and returned home and saw Damon's face, that is when the numbness slipped away and rage filled my body. Since then I've concentrated on the cure to distract myself from the heartbreak and anger and to stop myself from falling apart, but that one dream, or should I say  _nightmare,_  is the result of my undoing and I can feel myself starting to crumble.

I take off at full speed, thrashing into stray branches as I go and come to a halt in the thick of the trees, where I collapse to my knees and cry out in pain. The intensity of emotions in the dream were so agonizing that all I could do to survive was to wake up, but that isn't an option this time. I have no choice but to feel it. Feel all of it. Away from the ears and eyes of anyone else, I for the first time open the flood gates. It hurts. It hurts so much and I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it to stop, but it doesn't stop and I can't see how it ever will. My body is wracked with an agony I didn't believe were possible and it feels as though my heart has turned to steel inside my chest. I choke on the intensity of my own sobs, unable to breathe or make any sound at all. Yet through it all one thought, and one thought only resides in my mind.

I love her.

_I love her._

**I love her.**

_**I love her.** _

I love her  ** _so_**  much...and...and it's  _killing_  me.

It's killing me.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the lake house, the group are still trying to deal with the aftermath of Shane's betryal. Damon and Bonnie put their heads together to formulate a plan, Stefan tries to come to terms with losing Elena and Jeremy has an idea that might just be the key to finding the cure.

** ELENA **

"Oh, my god! Where is he? He's gone!"

My eyes shoot open and in an instant I'm out of bed and across the hall, standing beside Bonnie.

"He's gone!" she says again, gesturing at the empty seat in front of us. "How can he be gone?"

I look at the empty chair in the center of the bedroom, ropes lying on the floor in front of it. I wipe my eyes and a small yawn escapes me. Damon appears a few moments later, having heard Bonnie's shouts. He still has dribble on his chin and seems just as dazed and sleepy as me.

"What-what the hell is going on?"

"It's Shane. He's gone!" Bonnie exclaims, looking to Damon her eyes wide with panic.

Damon steps forward and stares at the chair and then rolls his eyes and lets out a groan of frustration.

"Klaus," he says.

"Klaus? What about Klaus?" Bonnie questions.

"He came back here last night with Rebekah," I say.

"Rebekah? What?"

"Klaus un-daggered her."

"But wh-how did I not know about any of this? Why didn't you tell me?" Bonnie asks.

"You were asleep," I say.

"Anyway, the point is...", Damon says, "...it's a possibility that Klaus might've took him last night when he...stopped by."

"But how? We were all there. Me, you and Stefan, and neither of them left the room."

"I don't know. Maybe they pretended to leave and then climbed in through the window, threw a couple of ropes down and climbed out," he replies sarcastically.

"This isn't a joke, Damon," Bonnie snaps, hand on hip. "I would think you'd be more concerned seeing as he's still linked to Elena. Or doesn't Elena's life mean anything to you?"

She stands in front of him, looking him straight in the eye and Damon looks down upon her.

"Klaus wants Elena alive. He probably took Shane because he doesn't trust us to keep him alive. And who can blame him? We couldn't even manage to keep Shane here for one night without someone breaking in and taking him."

Bonnie scowls and takes off out of the room.

"Bonnie, wait," I say after her pitifully, before sighing and turning back to Damon.

"But seriously, Damon, how did they get him? I know they're stronger and faster than us, but one of us would've seen or heard something."

"Well, there's no way Shane got out of there without some help and the only people that have been here are Klaus and Rebekah. So unless one of us let him go..."

I sigh and place my hand on my head. Awake for less than 5 minutes and already the day has gone to crap.

"Look, I'll call Klaus now. As long as he has Shane, you'll be fine. You have nothing to worry about," he says reassuringly, reaching out and stroking my hair gently.

I nod and smile with gratitude. Usually I would continue to worry, but I'm sleepy, exhausted and there's been enough drama these last few days without creating more out of something that might be nothing.

"Is Jeremy downstairs?"

"Didn't see him," Damon replies.

"What about Caroline?"

"Nope," he says shaking his head.

"Stefan?"

He shakes his head again.

"Huh," I say, puzzled.

I go back into the bedroom to double check that Jeremy isn't there and then reach for my phone to call him. He doesn't answer, so I call Caroline and she answers on the second ring.

"Caroline, hey. Where are you? Is Jeremy with you?"

"Didn't Bonnie tell you? I'm back home."

"No, she didn't. She's been a little...distracted," I reply.

"Right..." she says suspiciously, but doesn't question it any further. "Jeremy isn't with me. He was still asleep this morning when Bonnie and I woke up."

"It's okay. I'm sure he's just gone for a walk," I reply casually, although not knowing where he is unsettles me deeply.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to skip out on you, it's just that Tyler's back and it was getting a bit overcrowded at the lake house. And anyway, you're coming back today, aren't you?"

"I...I don't know." I stammer.

We've already been at the lake house for 3 days and so far haven't achieved what we set out to, due to being too exhausted from being drugged and tied to a chair by Shane and having to deal with Klaus and Rebekah. Right now we're still just taking each hour as it comes and as a result have made no real progress in finding the cure.

"Do you want me to come back?" she asks.

"No, no, Caroline," I say instantly. "The only reason we all came up here was to help Jeremy and we haven't done much of that with everything that's happened. No, it's fine. Just be with Tyler and I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay. See you," she calls down the phone.

The second we've hung up I dial Jeremy's number again, eager to know where he is, but there's no answer, so I shower, change and decide to go out and search for him myself. The hot water refreshes me and provides me with a new lease of energy and for the first time in weeks my head is clear. Well, as clear as it can be, anyway.

When I get downstairs Damon and Bonnie are sitting beside each other on the couch looking at a book that is open on the coffee table. I go straight to the kitchen and grab a blood bag from the fridge. I already know from Damon's seemingly relaxed composure that he's already spoken to Klaus and found out that he has Shane, but I ask nonetheless.

"Yup. Professor Shane is all snug and safe, locked up in Klaus' red room of pain," Damon says in response to my question.

I nod, relieved that Shane is safe.

"Have you heard from Jeremy?" Bonnie asks turning from the book to face me.

I shake my head. "Tried calling him, but it keeps going through to answer phone. I'm gonna head out and look for him in a bit."

"Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine. He's been through a lot these last weeks, he probably just wanted to clear his head and be on his own," Bonnie replies, reassuringly.

It's true that Jeremy has been through a lot, and it's understandable that he might want some space and time to think, but I can't bear the thought of him being alone. I want to be there for him in every way that I can. I grab three mugs from the kitchen cupboard and pour coffee for Damon, Bonnie and me. I place the two mugs in front of them on the table and they utter words of thanks. I finish the last of the blood bag and gulp down half a mug of coffee, before announcing that I'm leaving to look for Jeremy.

"Do you really think the smartest thing to do is go chasing after him?" Damon says. "He's a kid, he'll come back when he's ready."

"I don't care," I reply. "I want to find him. Even if he tells me to leave him alone, I just want to know that he's okay."

"I'll come with you," he insists getting up from his seat.

"No, Damon," I say firmly. "He's my brother and it's best if I do this on my own. And..."

"And what?"

"Well, he doesn't exactly like you."

Damon opens his mouth in dramatic shock.

"Jeremy doesn't like me? Since when?" he says sarcastically.

"And anyway, shouldn't you be concentrating on your own brother? Stefan's disappeared, too," I say.

He sighs and flippantly says, "Stefan's a big boy, he'll be fine."

I roll my eyes and leave.

* * *

** STEFAN **

After countless minutes the sobbing subsides and I remain on the cold ground, just looking up at the trees. My limbs are heavy with grief and the breeze blowing through the trees is the only thing that enables me to find some semblance of calmness. Between the bouts of numbness, memories of Elena hit me in waves, until I'm drowning in grief, sorrow and despair. The memories I have of her are ones that only  _I_  have, things that only  _I_  have seen, parts of her that only  _I_  know. The way she groans softly in her sleep and twitches her mouth as she dreams; the red rash that she gets on her collarbone when she's anxious or nervous; the lingering smell of coconut she leaves on my clothes whenever I hold her; the empty Hershey's wrappers that are always scattered around her room from her late-night snacking; the way her legs always entwine with mine when we sleep, because her feet get cold; how her laugh becomes wild and high-pitched and cracks whenever I tickle her ribs. I remember it all. Every single insignificant detail about her. It's all forged into my mind and into my heart and it always will be. But even the fond memories I have of her and the parts of her that I love the most, cause me pain now.

Part of me wonders if I'm still the only one that knows those things about her. Damon spent so long wishing he knew Elena in the way I did, and maybe he finally got his wish. Maybe in that one night they spent together, she opened her soul to him in the same way she has to me. Knowing that Damon loves her is a fact that I can accept, even knowing that Elena loves him is something I can accept, but I will never be able to accept her sharing the same things with him that she has with me. All I have left are memories. They're the only thing that is mine,  _ours_  and I couldn't bear it if she took those memories and re-created them with my brother.

I wonder what they're doing back at the house following Klaus' visit last night. It was hard enough to place our trust in just Klaus or Rebekah, but Klaus  _and_  Rebekah? The thought sets my teeth on edge, especially since Rebekah wants to find the cure for different reasons than Klaus. Klaus will protect Elena at all costs and despite his twisted reasons for wanting that, I find solace in knowing that the most powerful creature on the earth is dedicated to keeping her alive, because even if I fail, like I have done before, he will surely succeed. But Rebekah...she loathes Elena. She's the one that drove Matt's car off Wickery Bridge the night Elena became a vampire, and I know that she would not hesitate to kill Elena again if she got in her way or said the wrong thing, except this time it would be permanent. The mere thought causes my chest to contract once again.

I have sat by and watched the life drain from her body on two separate occasions and they're memories that haunt me. I've lost her more times than I can count, and even though she is technically alive and well and less than a mile away, I still feel the crippling pain of her death and a heavy burden of guilt weighs down on my conscience. It is a guilt that I'm not sure anyone knows I feel, not even Elena, but it's there. Guilt and self-loathing that I was unable to protect her, when that is all I've ever wanted to do. But I also feel regret. Regret at the decisions I have made that have led me here. It's easy for me to blame Damon or even Elena, but when I left town with Klaus, I had a choice. I could've fought harder, I could've made sure she knew how much I loved her, I could've chose her instead of revenge, but I didn't and because of that I lost her.

Because of that she developed feelings for Damon.

Because of that she died.

Because of that she became a vampire.

Because of that she became sired to Damon.

Because of that she had sex with Damon.

It all happened because of  _my_  choices,  _my_  actions and that is something I have to live with for the rest of eternity. All I can do now is try to make amends by finding the cure and giving her a second chance at the human life I failed to protect the first time. My sole desire remains the same as it has since the day I met her - to keep her safe, to keep her  _alive_ and to give her a chance at happiness _,_ because of all the things in this life that matter, she matters most and as long as she remains in this world, I know I will be able to find the strength go on, even if it's the arms of Damon that she ends up in.

* * *

I don't know how much time passes and I don't remember drifting off, but I awake to a familiar voice calling my name. I open my eyes and shoot up. I'm still out in the thick of the forest and although the sun is still high in the sky, I can sense that some hours have passed.

"El-Elena?"

She's in front of me, bending down to check that I'm okay.

"Are you okay? I was worried when I saw you lying there. Are you hurt?" she asks, checking my body over and brushing the leaves off of my clothes.

I shake my head. "I'm fine. I must've...I must've fallen asleep."

I feel slightly embarrassed at her finding me like this and I get to my feet and go and sit on a rock.

"What are you doing out here?" I ask her.

She comes over and sits on a rock beside me that is slightly lower and sighs. "I'm looking for Jeremy."

"Jeremy? Is he okay?"

"I dunno. When I got up this morning he wasn't at the house and he hasn't been answering his phone."

"I'm sure he's fine, but instead of walking through here on your own, you should've gotten Bonnie to do a locator spell," I say.

She nods and then says, "I guess part of me wanted an excuse to come out here. To think, to be alone."

She looks up at the trees and inhales deeply, and I see a reflective look upon her face. I'm acutely aware of how normal she seems. Too normal. Since we broke up whenever she's around me she's always restless and tense, but there's a tranquility to her today that I haven't seen in so long and even though she's not smiling, I can see the hint of one at the corners of her mouth.

The time I've spent out here has been consumed with thoughts of her, cravings to be near her, but now that I am I feel unsettled and my body feels jerky beneath me. I know it's because of the distance between us. It feels so wrong, so unnatural, because all I want to do is touch her, chat with her and laugh with her, to whisper sweet nothing's in her ear, just as we did last time we were here, but instead I have to sit beside her fighting every single one of my natural instincts, whilst also trying to ignore the dull throbbing in my chest. I almost feel that she can see into my head and that she knows that I have spent the last hour or so out here sobbing because of her, drowning in a river of despair. That thought unsettles me and where once she was the person I shared every part of myself with, I now feel defensive and guarded. I think of asking about everyone back at the house just to fill the silence, but the words fall from my mouth before I've even begun to speak them.

"So what are you doing out here?" she asks, attempting to make the small talk that I failed at.

I sigh. "Do you really have to ask? I couldn't sleep in that house and I needed to get away. From Damon, from you. From everything."

I say the words and find myself shocked at how quickly the mask has slipped and how incapable I seem to be to keep hide my emotions from her. Being around her is causing an internal battle. On the one hand I'm ecstatic to see her because despite everything I still want to be with her, but on the other, I still hold so much unresolved anger that being near her makes me impatient and the combination of these emotions results in an overbearing amount of frustration. Her relaxed demenor immediately dissipates and is replaced with her usual tension.

"I'm-I'm sorry," she stammers shaking her head. "I should go. You want to be alone and I need to find Jeremy. I'm sorry. I'll see you back at the house."

She gets up and stumbles on the rocks in a fluster as she tries to walk away.

"Elena, no, don't," I say reaching out for her hand, the need to be close to her taking over.

When my flesh comes into contact with her she whips her head back around and her eyes go down to my hand on hers.

"I really think I should just go. You're hurt and angry and I...I should...go..." she says, her voice shaky.

Despite her verbal protests, she doesn't attempt to move her hand from mine.

"Stay," I say, my voice barely a whisper.

Her body remains facing away from me, but after a few moments her feet move backwards, as though her mind is telling her to walk away, but her body is propelling her back to me. She slowly turns to face me and maybe it's because I miss her so much that my entire body is screaming out for her touch or maybe it's because I'm hurting so much and the only person that can take that away is her, but I shift my body closer to her. She's facing me completely now and I look down at her hand that is still in mine. My thumb gently traces circles at the side of her hand and her clenched fist opens. Her fingers slowly unfold and brush up against my palm. Our breathing is heavy and the tension between us changes. It's no longer an awkward tension, filled with silence and regret, it's charged with an electricity that makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. My eyes are still locked on her hands and our fingers slowly interlace. Our hands remained outstretched for a few seconds, both of us sliding our fingers against each other. I'm so desperate to cling to the comfort of feeling her flesh against mine that I linger in it, pressing my palm against hers and my finger tips to hers. Her fingers clasp around my hand first and the second that they do she steps forward suddenly, a gasp escaping her. Her body is so close to mine now that I can feel her chest rise and fall as she breathes and she meets my eyes. They're dark, chocolate brown and shining with adoration and affection.

Just the way I remember.

Instantly any distance that has been between us since we broke up floats away, as once again I gaze upon her soul. I step closer to her this time, sweeping her hair behind her shoulder. She shudders at my touch and as I look upon her neck I can see the pinkness of a rash just beginning to show near her collarbone.

Just the way I remember.

I lean into her and inhale softly, and the scent of coconut engulfs me.

Just the way I remember.

I take my hand up to her face and I see her lips part slightly. For a moment I think she's going to say something, but no sound leaves her apart from the rapidness of her breathing. Unconsciously there is a voice in my head screaming at me to move away, to rip my hand from hers and run so as not to rub salt into the already burning wounds, but an inexplicable force keeps me rooted to the spot, gazing into her eyes. This is so  _right,_ so natural that it overrides everything else. It doesn't matter that I left town with Klaus or that she kissed Damon or that she became a vampire or that she's sired to Damon or that she had sex with Damon. None of it matters, because all that matters is us. We're all that matters and here we are, together again.

I can sense the hunger in her explode suddenly as her body twitches uncontrollably and she moves even closer still, closing her eyes and sighing deeply. My eyes fall shut, too and her face leans in to mine, until I can feel the tip of her nose against mine. She's so close I can almost taste her...oh, I've missed this.

"Elena?"

My eyes shoot open and I pry my hand from her grip, throwing myself back from her.

"Jer?" her voice calls.

She's dazed, her cheeks rosy and she runs her fingers through her hair in an attempt to re-compose herself. I feel guilt wash over me as Jeremy makes his way through the trees towards us. Elena looks back to me and meets my eyes. I see a sadness and regret in them and I'm not sure if it's because of the mistake we almost just made or if it's because she's disappointed that we were interrupted. For me at least, I know it's the latter.

Jeremy clears his throat. "Um...did I interrupt something?"

Elena swings round to face him. "No, Jer, of course not," she replies, before clearing her throat and going on to say, "Anyway, where the hell have you been? And why haven't you been answering your phone?", in her big sister voice.

"Walking," he replies nonchalant.

"Stop being a wise-ass."

Jeremy chuckles lightly and rolls his eyes.

"I guess we should head back to the house. I'll even make lunch," I say.

"No, thanks. I want to live 'til my 17th birthday."

Jeremy chuckles and Elena exclaims and slaps him playfully, joining in with his laughter. The first and only real moment since Elena and I broke up has been destroyed and I have no choice but to go back to pretending, so I smile along with them weakly.

We walk back to the lake house together and Jeremy and Elena engage in conversation for most of the journey. I barely say two words, but can feel Elena's hand right next to mine as we walk side by side, which keeps my heart beating erratically for the remainder of the walk. I continue to replay the moment with her over and over again, wondering what would've happened if Jeremy hadn't appeared and for just a moment I'm sure I feel her fingers reach out and brush against my hand.

* * *

** DAMON **

With everyone out of the house Bonnie and I put our heads together and begin to finally come up with a plan. It's strange, I spend most of the time bickering with her, but it turns out that the witch and I work well together, especially when no one else is around. Like Stefan, she accepts that I will go to any lengths to execute a plan and where Elena would discourage me to go to those lengths, Bonnie understands that sometimes it's necessary. That combined with her knowledge of magic, intellect and logical thinking means that before Elena, Jeremy and Stefan return we have an exact plan of what we're going to do to find the cure. We turn to each other and nod.

"Well, I think we deserve a drink," I say getting up from the couch.

"You always think you deserve a drink," she replies.

"You're right," I say pointing at her and smiling. She smiles back. "Want one?"

She shakes her head, but I pour her one anyway and place it in her hand, clinking my glass against hers.

"Cheers," I say.

She rolls her eyes, but takes a sip nonetheless.

I hear the sounds of Elena, Stefan and Jeremy's voices outside moments later and dread sharing our plans with them. Elena and Stefan can be resistant at the best of times, and their stubbornness is something I'd rather not have to contend with on top of everything else. Not that I'm worried. Fortunately, I have the edge when it comes to stubbornness and I'm pretty confident that I can beat them on that front, and if not I could just lock them in a cupboard until it's all over, whichever is easiest.

When the three of them step through the door, Elena and Jeremy are still engrossed in conversation and laughing. Stefan trails behind them, a solemn and serious look at his face.

"Alright?" I ask going up to him.

He nods, and I shrug and decide not to ask any more questions.

"So where have you been Little Gilbert?" I say poking Jeremy in his side.

He squirms and replies with, "None of your business."

"Are you okay?" Bonnie says stepping forward and wrapping her arm around Jeremy's waist.

He nods. "I'm fine."

She smiles up at him and he kisses her head.

Elena's at the sink pouring a glass of water and I give her a weak smile.

"You okay?" I ask her.

She nods with a mouthful of water.

"I'm good," she replies.

"Tell Stefan about Shane?"

She shakes her head.

"So, Damon and I have come up with a plan..." Bonnie's voice says from across the room.

I groan and roll my eyes. Tactful Bonnie, really tactful.

"A plan?" Stefan says, a frown on his face.

"Yeah, about the cure and Klaus and Rebekah and Shane."

"You two made a plan?  _Together_?" Elena asks looking from Bonnie to me with raised eyebrows.

"Hey, don't look like that. I'll have you know I'm an excellent team player."

Elena scoffs.

"Anyway...come and listen to this," Bonnie says.

Once Stefan has been filled in on Shane's kidnapping by Klaus, Bonnie goes on to explain the plan which is as follows: Bonnie will continue to find a way to unlink Elena from Shane and we'll all stay here until tomorrow night to work with Jeremy on his combat skills, like we originally planned.

"And that took you 2 hours to come up with?" Stefan says with raised eyebrows, looking to Elena.

I feel a sudden flash of jealousy and anger go through me at the look on their faces.

"Well, I'd love to hear your master plan, brother. Oh, that's right. You don't have one."

"No, I don't. But if I did have one, it would be better than that. Anyway, I thought the whole point of training Jeremy is so that he can kill vampires, right?"

"Yes, Stefan," I say.

"So what's the point if he's got no vampires to kill? I mean, the only vampires in Mystics Falls are us. Where are we going to find all of these vampires for him to kill?"

"Well, if you would've let Bonnie finish explaining the entire plan, she would've told you that I came up with a plan for that."

"What?" Elena asks.

"I turn criminals."

"What?" Stefan exclaims.

"No," Elena says shaking her head. "No way. You're not turning all of those people into vampires just so Jeremy can kill them. It's inhumane!"

"Elena, we're vampires. Since when do we care about doing the humane thing? And besides, they're criminals. Murderers. We'd be doing the world a favour."

"I've cared since always," she retorts. "And I don't care what they've done, we're not doing it. You'll have to think of something else."

"I agree," Stefan says.

I glare at him, the anger in me returning again and lingering for a little while longer this time.

"So what else do you suggest?"

"I don't know, but not that," Elena replies.

"Elena, Damon and I have discussed all of the options and this really is the best one. It's the only one," Bonnie says.

I never thought I'd see the day that the witch would be backing my corner.

"I don't care. There must be another way," Elena insists.

The bickering between Stefan, Elena and I continues back and forth for countless minutes.

"Hey! Hey! HEY!" Jeremy yells.

The four of us fall silent and look to him.

"What's your problem?" I ask him.

"I have an idea."

"Well, spit it out then, Gilbert."

"What if we killed an Original?"

My mouth opens slightly and I see the others exchanging surprised looks.

"Smart plan, Jeremy, but they die, we die."

"No. If  _Klaus_  dies, you die. I didn't say it had to be Klaus."

I scoff and chuckle lightly.

"You really have lost your mind, haven't you? No, no, no. Not happening."

"Hold on, let him speak," Stefan interrupts.

"No, no, no. You can't honestly tell me you agree with this idiot?" I say gesturing at Jeremy.

"How many criminals do you think you'll have to turn until Jeremy completes his mark? 10? 100? 1000? We don't have that kind of time. If Jeremy could take out an Original, millions of vampires all over the world would die instantly."

I look to Bonnie and she's standing by, a blank expression on her face. So I look to Elena instead.

"Oh, no, not you, too." I say when my eyes fall on Elena.

"I'm sorry, Damon, but I think Stefan's right. It does make sense."

"No, it doesn't. What? Do you think Jeremy's just going to be able to march right up to an Original vampire and kill them? He'll be dead within a second and then Klaus will want all of our heads and you can kiss the cure and your lives goodbye."

"Not if we're all there," Elena says. "One Original is no match for 4 vampires, 1 hybrid, a Bennett witch and a Hunter."

I shake my head in disbelief.

"Bonnie, a little help here, please," I say.

She steps beside me and I stand by and wait for her to side with me, but she doesn't.

"I...I actually think it could work," she says.

My head spins and I look at her wide eyed. I knew I couldn't depend on her for very long.

"I'm sorry," she whispers quietly, genuine guilt on her face.

I put my hand to my head and chuckle. "Fine. Majority rules and whatever, but don't blame me when it backfires."

I go out of the front door and leave them behind, unable to withstand another second in the room with those babbling fools. It's only seconds before Elena is by my side.

"I know you're pissed," she says. "But come on, even you have to admit that it makes sense."

"If the aim is to get all of us killed, then yes, it makes sense."

She laughs lightly and asks, "Why do you always have to be like that?"

"What?"

"Stubborn."

"It's just part of my charm," I reply with a smirk.

"You know you'll be with us on this, so what's the point in fighting?"

"I dunno, maybe I think it's fun."

"Well, we're all inside working on a new plan, come and join us when you're done sulking," she says before taking off inside.

"I don't sulk!" I call after her and even though I can only see the back of her head I know that she's rolling her eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena is happy to be back home with Jeremy, Damon and Elena bond and Stefan tries to find out from Rebekah where the dagger is, but she soon turns the tables on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small amount of sexually explicit content and vampire feeding.

** ELENA **

I wake to the sounds of thudding and music vibrating through the floorboards. When my eyes open, I'm greeted by the familiar sight of my bedroom and I sigh softly and smile to myself. It feels  _so_  good to be back home. This is the way it's supposed to me - me at home, in my own bedroom, in my own bed, being woken up by the sounds of my heavy-footed little brother. I climb out of bed and walk over to his room, a smile still on my face. When I open the door he's on the ground doing push-ups. I march over to his stereo and turn the volume down.

"Hey!" he says getting to his feet. "I was listening to that."

"Hey, yourself. I was trying to sleep in there," I say, pretending to be irritated.

The truth is, I'm so happy to be re-united with him, that even the things about him that annoy me make me smile.

"Yeah, well, it's 11am. You've always been lazy,"

I gasp and slap him playfully in the arm.

"Ow, ow, ow, ooh my poor arm. I'll never recover now," he replies sarcastically.

I hit him harder and he bursts out laughing. Then I grab him into my arms and hug him tight.

"Are you okay?" he asks over my shoulder.

"Yeah, I just missed you, that's all," I say, still clinging to him.

He kisses my hair. "Me too."

"Anyway, I'm gonna make breakfast. Want some?"

"Sure," he replies.

"You still coming to The Boarding House later? Think everybody's meeting there at 6."

"What for?"

"What do you mean what for? To arrange our Christmas dinner. Caroline's been planning it since we got back home. Don't tell me you forgot."

"What's the point? It's not even Christmas yet. It's 2 weeks away."

"I know, but we're hardly going to have the chance to celebrate when we've got Klaus, Rebekah, Shane, Silas  _and_  the cure to deal with. Tomorrow is the only chance we'll get to celebrate altogether, so you're coming and I'm not taking no for an answer."

"Okay, okay," he says holding up his hands. "I'll be there. Happy?"

"Yes," I say nodding my head.

"Can I get ready now? I'm supposed to be meeting Bonnie."

"Ooh, meeting Bonnie, eh?" I say with a smile and a playful wink.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks.

"Oh, nothing, nothing," I say shaking my head, a suggestive smile still on my face.

"Oh, shut up," he says throwing a pair of bundled up socks at my head.

I duck to avoid them and leave the room chuckling lightly. It's been a week since we got back from the lake house and being back home has already improved my mood significantly. Going to sleep at night, knowing that my brother is in the next room and waking up to breakfast with him is the thing that brings me the most joy at the moment. Bonnie and Shane's work with him at the lake house has worked and he's back to his old self. He's still a Hunter, but now he has the capacity to look at me, Caroline, Tyler and Stefan (and  _sometimes_  Damon) and realise that we're important to him and that he doesn't want to kill us. Even I'm starting to feel that things are getting back to normal.

Almost.

Despite making no progress in the first few days in our hunt for the cure, we seem to have finally made up for that. We've managed to negotiate peace with Klaus and Rebekah, for now at least. Unfortunately, Bonnie still hasn't found a way to undo the magic Shane manipulated her into using to link himself to me, so Klaus' protection applies to him, which means that Shane is now also part of the team.

Much to our protests Klaus negotiated his own deal with Shane, promising to deliver Silas to him so long as he helps us to find the cure. In exchange Shane will continue to help Bonnie control her magic and once Klaus has lived up to his end of the bargain and Shane has Silas, he will give her the spell that unlinks the two of us and he will be released from being Klaus' prisoner. Both Klaus and Shane seem more than content with the deal and although I still distrust Shane, I feel secure in having him around as long as his life is linked to mine, because it guarantees Klaus' protection and that is more reliable than any other protection anyone else could provide.

Even though technically Rebekah wasn't needed once Klaus had got Shane on side, her history of dating a Hunter and the information she'd gotten from Shane when she and Kol tortured him means that she's proved to be valuable, and regardless of my hatred for her, I can't deny that she's committed and ruthless in finding the cure and that her and Shane becoming part of the team has allowed our plan to come finally together. Klaus found the sword to decode the map; Rebekah and Shane found the headstone to resurrect Silas; Shane and Klaus completed the ritual to resurrect Silas by killing 12 hybrids and 12 humans, Shane also continues to work with Bonnie on her magic; Damon and Stefan worked with Jeremy on his skills as a Hunter; Caroline used her organisational and natural leadership skills to keep us all in check and me...well I contributed in any way that I could. But the main plan we're working on is our secret one to kill an Original.

Since Jeremy first suggested it a week ago at the lake house, I've been back and forth with the idea. Logically it makes sense. Jeremy needs to kill a large amount of vampires in a short time, and killing an Original will achieve exactly that, but doing so won't be without repercussions. Seeing as Klaus is the one that is responsible for creating our blood line, he's not an option; Elijah is in New Orleans and of all the members of the Mikaelson family he is the one I am most fond of, so I refuse to sacrifice him; Fin is dead, so that leaves us with only two.

Rebekah or Kol.

Admittedly I would find a small amount of joy in killing Rebekah, but she's played an important role in finding the cure and Kol is an immediate threat to all of us and our search for the cure. He is determined to put an end to our search, as he's terrified of resurrecting Silas and although he hasn't shown his face since he tortured Shane with Rebekah over 3 weeks ago, Klaus is certain that he is still lingering in town and keeping a low profile whilst he formulates a plan. Klaus has vowed that he will do whatever it takes to keep Kol at bay and is currently attempting to convince Rebekah to give him the only remaining dagger so that he can temporarily get Kol out of the picture. However, Rebekah has chosen now of all times to be moral and loyal and refuses to play any part in daggering her own brother, which means that our plan can still go ahead.

Damon has the white oak stake and that alone has been enough to motivate us to compose an elaborate plan to kill Kol that ensures all of our safety which will take place in 48 hours. Bonnie's new lease of power means that she is going to use her magic to temporarily put up a veil that prevents Klaus from stepping outside it and in the meantime Stefan is working on getting the dagger out of Rebekah in order to incapacitate her. It makes the plan more complicated, but they are necessary measures, because both Klaus and Rebekah would not hesitate in killing us all for being the ones responsible for their little brother's death. After Klaus and Rebekah are contained, the rest of the plan is simple; lure Kol to the house by offering to negotiate about the cure and Silas and then kill him. After that we go to Klaus' take Shane as our prisoner, force Klaus to decode the map from within the confines of his prison and finally we will know the location of the cure.

I feel rather confident in our plan, mostly because I have complete faith in Bonnie's magic, but also because our combined efforts mean that our chances of failing are slim to none. The only moment of weakness I seem to have is when I look into Jeremy's eyes. That's when I begin to have doubts about everything that we're doing, because even if he's a Hunter with natural instincts to kill vampires, succumbing him to the fate of being a cold blooded murderer makes my heart sink. I know the burden of that, the guilt that you carry with you every second of every day and yet I am actively playing a part in my own brother suffering through that same ordeal. When I have those moments I force myself to think about what finding the cure will mean, not just for me and Jeremy, but for all of us and I find the courage to go on, because regardless of what we have to do to find the cure, the pros more than out weigh the cons.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I tap on the door lightly and call Rebekah's name, before letting myself into the room, not even bothering to wait for a response. The room is empty but after a few moments Rebekah emerges from the en-suite dripping wet, a towel wrapped about her.

"Stefan," she says casually. "Ever heard of knocking?"

"I did knock, you didn't hear," I say.

"Well, are you just going to stand there all day? Sit down."

I walk over to the 4 poster bed and perch myself on it. I've spent most of my hours since we returned from the lake house in her company, attempting to charm her and seduce her, so as to acquire the dagger from her. It's not something that comes as naturally to me as it does to Damon, but when I'm in her company I find that I forget the true reason as to why I'm doing it, because I have fun when I'm with her and despite everything that Rebekah has done a part of me still likes her. I don't know if it's because of my inability to hold a grudge or if it's simply because I see the best in everyone, but she's unflinchingly and unapologetically honest and spending time with her is simple and the perfect distraction from the ongoing pain of my break-up with Elena.

"So, these visits are starting to become a regular thing. Is there any particular reason for that?" she asks furrowing her brow and eyeing me suspiciously.

"We're allies now, I'm just being friendly."

"Really, Stefan, do you expect me to believe that? What do you  _really_  want from me?"

I gulp and worry that my eyes betray me and reveal my true intentions. She steps out of the doorway of the en-suite and walks to her closet before dropping her towel. I immediately move my eyes up to the ceiling and clear my throat.

"Um...maybe I should just...go," I say getting up and heading for the door.

"Oh, come on, Stefan. It's not anything you haven't seen before."

I hear her move across the room towards me, but I keep my eyes locked on the ceiling. She takes my chin in her hands and pulls my face down so that my eyes meet hers. She's standing so close that when she starts to speak I can feel her breath on my face.

"Ooh, you're tense," she says, rubbing my shoulders, her eyes fixed on my lips. "I'm sure there's something I can do to help with that."

She stars up at me through her eyelashes, a flirtatious smile on her face and unlike with Elena I don't feel even an ounce of nerves at being just inches from her lips and being able to feel her naked body against me. Rebekah is undeniably beautiful, but this is different. This is just something that's going to happen and I'm not doing it to manipulate her or as part of a plan, I'm doing it because I actually  _want_  to and in some small way I've known for the last week that it was leading to this moment, because being a vampire is as much about blood as it is about meaningless, wild sex.

She lightly brushes her lips against mine, then pulls back and meets my eyes with a satisfied and a seductive smile. I grab the back of her head suddenly and pull her into me forcefully, kissing her frantically. She throws me up against the wall and starts ripping at my shirt, scratching my chest with her nails as she scrambles to get it off. I pull her head back by her hair and kiss her neck, whilst running my hands up and down her still damp body. She reaches for my belt and unbuckles it before yanking my trousers down to my ankles and then I grab her thighs and lift her up, twisting around so that she's up against the wall instead. Her head thumps into the wall, denting the cement, but she still continues to kiss me lustfully and aggressively. I grab at her breasts and begin thrusting inside her, animalistic growls escaping my throat as I do. She groans in pleasure and wraps her legs around me tightly, grinding up and down. Her fingers wind into my hair and I lean forward and bury my head into the nape of her neck.

I close my eyes and slap my hands onto the wall behind her, as I thrust faster and faster, a strong sense of desperation taking hold of me. When I open my eyes the pink tones of her skin have turned olive, her damp blonde hair brown and her high pitched moans, sound cracked and raspy. I jerk my head up to look at her face and see big, round, chocolate eyes staring back at me. Panic starts to over take my body and I fall backwards onto the ground.

"What the bloody hell?!" Rebekah exclaims from a heap on the floor.

I blink rapidly and once again I see Rebekah's face. I look around the room disorientated, expecting to see Elena, but she isn't here. I get to my feet and Rebekah stares at me through wide eyes, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I...I can't do this," I stammer, reaching for my jeans from the floor and pulling them on before storming out of the room.

Rebekah calls after me angrily, but I continue out of the house without a backwards glance, attempting to get a hold of my emotions. Klaus appears and blocks my path just as I reach the front door. "Ah, Stefan. Just the man I wanted to see."

"Not now, Klaus," I say through gritted teeth.

"I can only assume that my little sister is the reason that your knickers are in such a twist," he says with an amused grin.

"I said not now," I repeat attempting to get past him.

He puts his hand on the door to prevent me from opening it and I impatiently ask, "What do you want?"

"I was curious to know what business Elena's brother and the witch have to talk to Professor Shane?"

I frown and look up to him puzzled. "Jeremy and Bonnie?"

"They were here this morning chatting with him and not for the first time."

"I thought Shane was permanently locked up in that trap door under your bed. How did he get around you?"

"Oh, do come on, Stefan. Do you really take me to be so cruel as to do that?"

I scoff.

"No," he continues, "I allow Shane freedom to roam the house and the grounds so long as he doesn't go where I can't keep tabs on him. He has contact with Jeremy and Bonnie with my permission, as the work he does with them aids in us finding the cure."

"What work?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "Jeremy doesn't need help from Shane, he's done all of the training he needs with Damon and me and Bonnie...well, she's more powerful than she's ever been. What could he be helping them with?"

"Ah, and you see this is why I am curious. It hasn't escaped my attention that the three of them are incredibly secretive and I believe that there has been a cloaking spell cast so as to prevent me from hearing what is being said. Now usually I would have already taken it upon myself to deal with the issue, but given the circumstances, I've been unable to do that."

"So you want me to find out from Jeremy and Bonnie what the deal is," I say, filling in the blanks.

He nods and Rebekah appears from down the stairs, her cheeks rosy red and a robe wrapped about her.

"What the bloody hell was all that about?" she asks angrily, not caring that Klaus is present.

"And on that note, I think I best leave you two to it," Klaus says.

I can still see an amused grin on his face and I scowl at him. Rebekah stands on the bottom stair, staring at her nails, impatiently waiting for Klaus to leave.

"Keep me informed," he says to me under his breath before leaving with one final smile at Rebekah and I.

"Oh and here's your shirt. You forgot it as you were scrambling to get out of my room as quickly as possible," she says throwing it forcefully at my face, before marching back up the stairs.

I sigh and pull my shirt over my head before heading out of the door.

* * *

** DAMON **

I lean my hand on the wall and stand under the flow of the shower with my eyes closed. My body is the most relaxed it's been in weeks. The headway we're making with our plan to find the cure has relieved me slightly and I'm finally reaching a point where I can see a hopeful future where Elena is no longer sired to me and is human once again. I hear the doorbell ring and when I don't respond the bell rings again and incessant knocking begins. I groan and climb out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself.

"Jeez, I'm coming! I'm coming!" I yell as I dash down the stairs.

I open the door to see Elena standing at the other side.

"Oh," she says her eyes wide, upon seeing my wet, half naked body. "Sorry. I-I should've called."

I smile at her and say, "Come on in."

She steps over the threshold and goes into the living room.

"Since when do you lock the doors?" she asks.

"Since I don't want just anybody walking into my house at all hours of the day and night," I reply, with a grin.

She rolls her eyes and replies with, "Technically this house is mine, so I have a right to be here at any hour."

"Is that right?"

She nods. "The deed to the house was transferred over to my name. I know I died, but technically the house is still mine."

I nod and a quiet chuckle escapes me. She seems different. Happier. Lighter. Having Jeremy back has done her a world of good and I think that like me, she's relieved that we're finally making progress with finding the cure. The improvement in her means that I find joy in being in her company again. Since finding out about the sire bond a majority of our communications have been strained and awkward, but not today.

"So why you here?"

"Did you forget that we're all meeting here to start putting our plan into action?"

"No, I didn't forget, but that's not for another 4 hours."

Her eyes fall to the floor and her face flushes pink.

"Would I be right in thinking that you wanted a little sneak peak at the goods?" I say, gesturing down my body and meeting her eyes, a flirtatious smile on my face.

She smiles a genuine smile and I'd forgotten how good it felt just to be normal with her and to be able to say whatever I want, without worrying if it's inappropriate or will make her feel uncomfortable.

"No, but I did actually want to talk to you about something."

"Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good."

"No, it's-it's nothing bad. At least, I don't think it is."

"So...what is it?"

"Um..." she steps forwards and gestures to me. "Do you think you should maybe put some clothes on first?"

I look down at myself and remember that I'm wearing nothing but a towel. I take off upstairs, throw on a shirt and some jeans and return downstairs in less than a minute.

"Stefan's going to hopefully come back with the dagger tonight, Bonnie has the spell ready to trap Klaus and after tomorrow once we've got dinner over with and if everything goes to plan we should have the map to the cure," she starts. "But before any of that happens I just needed to tell you that whatever happens next, I..."

I feel my heart flutter in my chest at the words I think she is about to say next.

"...I'm sorry."

Disappointment flows through me.

"I'm sorry for everything that's happened with the sire bond and...us. None of it's your fault and I want you to know, I don't blame you."

"Stefan does."

She shakes her head. "He doesn't, not really. It's just easier to blame you than to face the truth."

"And what's that?"

"That the reason I slept with you is nothing to do with the sire bond."

She meets my eyes nervously and I find myself rendered speechless.

She clears her throat. "I know how hard you've been working to find this cure and I know you're doing it for me, so thank you."

I nod and say, "You're welcome," my voice quiet.

"Well, I guess I should go back home and come back later," she says heading for the front door.

"Elena."

She turns back to me.

"Stay for a drink?" I ask, with a small smile.

She accepts my offer with a nod, walks back into the room, takes a seat and I can feel that my heart is smiling.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I leave the house, jump in my car and head for The Grill. I know that Damon's at home and I can't stand to be around him right now. I'm still flustered and distressed and my encounter with Rebekah has caused all of my emotions to come rushing to the surface once again. Since getting back from the lake house I've managed to keep them in check, but I'm quickly learning that it takes only one word, action or incident to drag me back to that dark place. I can't fight it, because it doesn't creep up on me, it just suddenly erupts without warning and takes me over instantly, before I've even had the chance to consciously comprehend what is happening.

When I get outside The Grill, I peer inside the window and see Tyler and Caroline sitting at the bar chatting with Matt. I get back in my car and decide to go to another bar just outside Mystic Falls, because I can't face them right now. I know they're most likely talking about our upcoming plans to kill Kol and I'm not in the right frame of mind to be talking about anything right now. I just need to forget.

I arrive at the bar in under 15 minutes. It's one of the bars that I come to when I need to escape for just a short while and be an anonymous face in a crowd. It's dingy, dimly lit and run down, but it's always alive with the buzz of conversation, the people keep to themselves and the bar staff are compellable, so it suits me. I hop on a stool at the bar and order a bourbon. I then order a second and a third and a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, and eventually I just ask that the bottle be left on the bar. The drinks cause my vision to blur, my limbs to become clumsy and uncoordinated and my head to go fuzzy, but they don't seem to ease the heaviness of my heart. Alcohol has been my catalyst consistently in the past, but this time I know it won't help, because there's not enough alcohol on planet earth to make me forget Elena or numb the earth shattering pain of losing her. Nonetheless I continue to drown myself in spirits, simply because I don't know what else to do.

"Thought I might find you here," a familiar voice says from beside me.

I turn my head to my right and squint my eyes in an attempt to focus on the face that the voice has come from.

I groan and ask, "How did you find me?"

"I followed you. You didn't really think I was going to let you get away with the way you treated me earlier, did you? Come on, Stefan, I thought you knew me better than that."

She takes the glass out of my hand and downs the shot.

"Look, Rebekah, just leave, okay? I'm not in the mood."

"You really are pathetic, aren't you?" she says shaking her head. "Just look at yourself. Elena leaves you and you fall apart. Get over it, Stefan. The people that you love most are always going to turn around and stab you in the back. Especially your brother."

"And you'd be an expert in that field, considering your own brother has literally stabbed you in the back, how many times now? Must hurt to know that you mean so little to him that he would plunge a dagger through your chest the second you stop being useful to him."

"And it must hurt to know that your brother had sex with your girlfriend the second you broke up."

I shrug and gulp down another shot. "I'm over it."

"Really? You're over your brother's hand being all over your girlfriend? You're over the the love of your life choosing Damon over you?"

"Yup."

"If that's true, then what are you doing here? If you're really over it why aren't you back at mine, in my bed?"

She leans into me and I can feel her breathing on my neck. "I'll tell you why," she whispers. "It's because you're still in love with Elena and it's killing you that maybe she actually does love Damon and that the sire bond is nothing to do with her sleeping with him."

"Shut up," I say quietly through gritted teeth.

"Admit it, Stefan. You're here because you can't handle the fact that you've lost the two people you love most in the world, because now they love each other more than they will ever love you."

"I said shut up!" I scream, leaping at Rebekah and grabbing her around the throat.

"Now, come on. There's no need to make a scene," she says casually, placing her hand over mine and pulling it from her throat with ease.

She pushes me away from her and I stumble back, then she leaves. Everyone in the bar has fallen silent and are exchanging looks of horror, but instead of compelling them I simply leave. Rebekah is propped up against my car when I get outside and I run straight to her, getting in her face.

"What the hell was that? Why are you here? Do you get some sort of sick, twisted thrill out of torturing me?"

"I just want to help you. You say you're over it, prove it. Come with me right now."

"Come where?"

She smiles mysteriously. "Just get in the car," she says opening the door and jumping in the driver's seat.

Despite being furious with her and so drunk that I can barely see straight, I climb into the car, the enormous amounts of alcohol in my system combined with my heartbreak, disabling my ability to make informed and sensible decisions.

* * *

** ELENA **

The next couple of hours pass by in a whirl of drinks, laughter and chatter. The talk flows consistently, with neither of us pausing for breath, but I'm not sure what we talk about. It's nothing of real importance, but I find myself chuckling until my sides hurt and I see a brightness in Damon's eyes that I haven't seen in so long, that makes me feel warm inside.

Sometimes it's so easy for me to forget how much I like Damon when no one else is around and when he's not manipulating, lying or simply being downright childish. He's so buoyant, charming and witty and I instantly get caught up in the enjoyment of being with him. I once again see all of the things that drew me to him in the beginning, the things that pulled me in even more once I turned. There are no boundaries with him, no extent he wouldn't go to to have fun or make me laugh, and I feel completely comfortable in letting loose. I can laugh so hard that beer is coming down my nose, I can rip into a blood bag ravenously, I can dance wildly and belch out loud and I know that Damon won't judge and will most likely turn all of those things into part of the fun. Having that complete freedom is truly liberating and something that I've rarely experienced throughout my life.

I've always been bound by rules, moral obligations and a need to please everyone, but tonight I get to just be the uncensored version of myself. It's not necessarily the best version, but it's certainly the most fun and that's what I need right now.

* * *

** Stefan **

After 40 minutes of driving we pull up outside a bar.

"What are we doing here?" I ask turning to Rebekah.

"If you want to drink, at least do it in style," she says, turning off the ignition. "Come on."

I've been to almost every bar in every major city over the last century, but I don't recognise this one and I can't explain why, but I follow Rebekah inside, despite everything inside me telling me to leave and go back home.

The bar is a lot more classy than the last one, with glass chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling, tiled floors, antique furniture, bar staff that are dressed smartly in uniform and customers dressed in their finest suits and dresses. The second we step through the door everyone's heads turn towards us and their voices erupt all at once as they call out Rebekah's name.

"Rebekah, hey!"

"Rebekah, how are you, sweetheart?"

"Rebekah! Nice to see you."

"Rebekah, let me get you a drink."

Every single person takes their turn to greet Rebekah and bombard her with smiles, offers of drinks and even offers to feed. I turn to look at Rebekah, a puzzled frown on my face.

"You compelled all of these people?" I ask in disgust.

She takes a cocktail that is handed to her and begins sipping on it. "Don't sound so judgmental. I seem to recall a time when you would've done the same."

"That was then. You can't...you can't do this. These are people, Rebekah.  _Innocent_  people."

"Oh, lighten up, Stefan. It's fun."

"No, it's not, it's wrong. I'm going home," I say.

"Oh, come on, Stefan. Loosen up. You were fun once. Why can't you go back to being the Stefan I knew in the 20's?" she says stepping into me and running her hand up my chest. "Let go, Stefan. Just...let...go."

I inhale deeply and meet her eyes. I know her game, I know that she wants me to lose control, and I know I need to fight it, but instead of leaving like I know I should, something  _still_  keeps me rooted to the spot, because the deepest, darkest part of me  _wants_  this.

A young woman appears alongside. "Hi, Rebekah. Are you hungry?" she asks, a smile on her face. She brushes her hair over her shoulder and twists her head so that her neck is exposed.

I don't notice anything about her other than her fair, almost translucent skin, showing the bright blue veins in her neck and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat pumping blood around her body. Rebekah reaches out to turn my face towards her and I instantly feel myself start to sweat, as the sound of the young girl's heartbeat grows louder in my ears.

"Let... _go,_ " Rebekah whispers and she gently pulls the girl closer towards us, so that her neck is mere inches away from my mouth.

I haven't fed since this morning and the intense rage and searing pain I hold inside is causing the hunger I already feel to expand, until I can feel it taking hold of my entire body. The corners of my vision go black, as I keep my eyes fixated on the vein on her neck. Every thought and emotion disappears as the undeniable hunger begins to take over my body. My throat goes dry, my muscles twitch and my face becomes hot. For a second I sober up almost completely, but even in that one moment my sanity fails me and I grab the girl and pull her towards me, before violently biting into her neck.

The second the first drop of blood hits my tongue, I grab her tighter to me and dig my fangs in deeper. Everything falls quiet, my mind becomes black and all I can feel is the thick, hot blood flowing out of her into me, providing me with incredible strength and satisfaction. I feel Rebekah's hand on my back and know that she is pleased that she has managed to seduce me. Since the second she stepped into the bar earlier, this is what she wanted. As I continue to feed, the girl doesn't scream or struggle and wraps her arms around my neck, as though this is what she wants and it is in that moment that I realise what I'm doing.

This is a girl. A person. A  _human being_. I stop feeding and then slowly pull away.

"You're not done," Rebekah says.

I ignore her and look at the girl properly for the first time. She has kind, round green eyes, wild curly red hair and an angelic smile. She's no older than 25 and my conscience returns to me, causing guilt, disgust and shame engulf me immediately. She's someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend. She may be a stranger to me, but she is loved and important to someone else in the world and losing her could shatter them. Like losing Elena has shattered me. I bite my wrist and force blood into her mouth.

"Go home, forget this happened and never come back here again."

The girl nods and immediately leaves the bar without looking back.

"No! What the bloody hell are you doing?" Rebekah asks angrily.

"The right thing," I say, wiping the blood from my mouth.

She suddenly reaches behind her and pulls a man out of the crowd. He looks confused at first, but when he sees Rebekah's face he immediately calms and offers himself up on a plate. Rebekah bites into his neck and thrusts him in my face. I turn my face away and growl as I fight the urge to feed again.

"Why are you doing this? What do you get out of it? Why are you doing this?!" I shout.

"I'm doing this because I  _can,_ " she growls. "And you might think I'm trying to ruin you, but I'm actually trying to help you. Spending every waking second fighting that urge to feed, fighting against all of your natural instincts, it's not healthy. You're a vampire, Stefan,  _a ripper_ and no matter how much you deny it or try to run from it, you can't, because that is  _who you are_."

I shake my head frantically and says, "No, no, I'm more than that. I have to be."

"Stop fighting!" she screams, taking her finger that is covered in blood and pushing it onto my lips.

I pull away violently and bare my teeth at her. "You know, you're more like your brother than you think."

"Yeah and so are you."

"I am  _nothing_  like Damon," I spit through gritted teeth.

"You love Elena and so does Damon for the same reason - because without her, all that's left of you is the monster that you fight so hard against. The monster you don't want to be."

"We're done," I say, pushing the man away from me and heading towards the door.

"Face it, Stefan, your life is over. Your worst fears have come to life and there's no escaping it. They don't care about you anymore, they stopped caring the second they fell into bed together. You're just too much of a coward to admit it!"

I carry on walking and even as the door closes behind me I can still hear Rebekah's yells. When I get outside and the cold air hits me, I inhale deeply. My heart is racing, the taste of blood is still on the tip of my tongue, the scent of it engulfing me and every single fiber of my being is screaming out for it, calling at me to go back inside and finish what I started; to feed on that man until I have absorbed every last drop of blood from his body. I've managed to walk away, but the second I gave into that hunger and fed on that girl, I surrendered a part of my self-control and I can feel myself fighting with all the strength I have to get it back, as my mind begins to spiral into a frenzy and I can feel it happening again.

I can keep him at bay through everything, but the second I feed, I leave myself vulnerable and exposed and that is when he breaks through and takes me over.

That's when I become the Ripper.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan continues to spiral and his pent up rage and hurt explodes resulting in a violent confrontation with Damon. Elena desperately tries to heal the rift she's caused between the brothers but can they find a resolution?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild violence between Stefan and Damon.

** STEFAN **

I manage to find my way to my car that is parked down a side street. Luckily I still have a supply of blood bags in the boot and I thrust open the boot and rip into them. I squeeze the bags with all my might and the blood barely touches the sides of my mouth as it falls down my throat like hot, silk. I gasp in between gulps, the euphoria of the blood filling me up and in the next instant, I'm surrounded by 5 empty blood bags and reaching for the next. But they're gone. I smash the boot shut and yell out in frustration before climbing into the car.

I pull off and head home, my driving is out of control due to the hysteria that is consuming my body and won't ease it's grip. The car swerves into the other lane continuously as I attempt to keep control of both the car and myself. My head is pounding, my heart is erratic and sweat is pouring out of me. Fury, panic and agony collide within me, crashing into each other and causing explosion after explosion. With each one that happens I feel myself losing grip of my sanity, until I cease to be. I aggressively twist the wheel to the right and come to a sudden halt on a patch of grass at the side of the road, before throwing the door open and collapsing out of the car and onto the grass.

I'm gasping and coughing and fighting for breath, my entire body is numb, apart from the torturous tightening of my chest. I crawl onto my hands and knees, choking on my own breaths and the air around me, until the pain in my chest drops down into my stomach, forcing me to violently convulse. After spewing up countless times, the tightness begins to ease and I lie face down on the grass. The events of the day are so intensely vivid and surreal that I feel my consciousness lift from my body and float up. I remain lying in the long grass, cars passing by and I simply look down upon myself.

And all I can think of is Damon.

This is his fault.

He allowed himself to fall in love with Elena and then deliberately and intentionally forced himself into her life until she gave into him.

He manipulated her with the sire bond in order to drive a wedge between us and get her into bed.

He betrayed me and took my heart and shattered it into a million pieces.

He has  _destroyed_  me and I  _hate_  him for that.

I hate him more than I have ever hated anyone else. And the only reason it is possible for me to hate him so much, is also because I love him so much and that love makes the impact of what he has done that much more harder to bear.

If anyone else was responsible for this heartbreak that I'm suffering through, I would be angry and upset, but I would move on. But I can't because it's Damon. He'd always promised me an eternity of misery, but I never truly believed that he meant it. I didn't know he hated me  _this_  much. So much that he would take the only person I have ever or will ever truly love away from me.

Well, he can sleep soundly now because he has succeeded in his mission. I will spend the rest of eternity miserable and without Elena by my side.

* * *

** ELENA **

Caroline, Tyler, Matt, Jeremy and Bonnie all arrive at the Boarding House to discuss dinner a little after 6 as promised, but Stefan is a no show. He's supposed to be spending the day with Rebekah to try and get the dagger, but promised he'd be back for 6, so I text to see where he is, but he doesn't respond.

We discuss the arrangements for the meal without him, but it's less of a discussion and more Caroline at the head of the table reading out her checklist. The meal will take place at my house at 2pm. She's already bought the food, Stefan will cook, Damon will bring the alcohol and after we've ate we'll play games and sing karaoke until the early hours of the morning.

Despite it taking place 2 weeks before Christmas, I'm so grateful that we have the chance to celebrate it. Part of me thinks it's ridiculous to celebrate at all given everything that's going on, but if there's one thing I've learned since meeting Stefan, it's that we have to keep living our lives, no matter how hard it gets, and doing that means taking the time to appreciate the small things by creating our own happy moments, because without those there's nothing left to live for.

With Caroline having planned every detail of the dinner already, we only sit together and chat about it for half an hour before they all leave to go home. Well, Matt leaves to go home, as for Caroline and Tyler and Bonnie and Jeremy, I'm sure their reasons for disappearing out of the door like a flash weren't because they were desperate for a hot chocolate and a movie. I stay behind with Damon. Our moods have mellowed since earlier and we sit together, drinking coffee and making small talk in front of the fire.

Stefan still isn't home and I can sense that the two of us are both waiting to hear how his day went and more importantly whether or not he was successful in finding the dagger. He's spent almost everyday with Rebekah since we got back from the lake house and although I know it's a necessary part in finding the cure, I feel a pit of jealousy in my stomach at the thought of the two of them together, especially given their history and Rebekah's flirtatious nature.

The second we hear Stefan's car pull up outside, Damon and I stand from our seats in anticipation. After a few moments Stefan stumbles through the door, his head down and my heart stops in my chest. His usually well-groomed hair is wild, his skin is pasty and grey and his shirt is covered in blood. Damon steps forward and goes to him, filled with concerned and starts asking him questions.

"Stefan. What happened? Are you okay? You look a little worse for wear," he says, letting out a light laugh, that fails to mask his nervousness.

Stefan slowly lifts his head to look at Damon and I walk closer and stand behind Damon, looking over his shoulder at Stefan. His eyes are vacant and there is something in them that terrifies me to my core. I know that Damon is afraid too, because I feel his body go stiff and he reaches his hand behind his back, making sure that I'm protected. I want to speak, but I find that all I can do is stare at Stefan. Damon begins talking about the meeting we had about dinner in an attempt to make small talk and pretend that everything is normal, when it's clearly not and Stefan stays rooted on the spot. He's so still that for a moment I'm sure that he's turned to stone. I feel anxiety swell within me and my eyes focus on the dark red blood that is down the front of his shirt. Damon and I both already know what has happened, but I think that neither one of us want to admit it.

Eventually Damon's conversation about tomorrow's dinner trails off and he inhales deeply, before saying, "Stef...talk to me. What happened?"

"You know what happened, Damon," he says, his voice quiet and hoarse. "What does it look like happened?"

"You fed," Damon says. "You didn't...you haven't...?"

"What? Turned it off? I suppose that would be ideal for you, wouldn't it,  _brother_?" He spits the word brother as though it's poison and finishes with, "With my feelings for Elena gone, I would be out of the picture."

I stare on in disbelief, unable to comprehend what could have possibly happened in the 6 hours since I last saw him that has caused him to behave this way.

"But unfortunately, it's not gonna be that easy."

Damon and I sigh with relief and I finally find my voice.

"Thank god. Stefan, I don't know what we'd do if we lost you."

"We? Huh," he says with a scoff. "Funny, you didn't seem to care about losing me when you were having sex 48 hours after we broke up."

I stare at him in disbelief and confusion. Where has all of this come from? I know he's been hurting about what happened, but for weeks now he has been normal with Damon and I. Was I naive to believe that he had really moved on and forgiven us so soon? Maybe even Stefan isn't capable of that level of forgiveness and compassion.

"I think we should all just take a time out here, okay?" Damon says. "Let's just sit down and-"

"And talk. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. But the thing is Damon, I'm kinda sick of talking."

I step from behind Damon, go straight up to Stefan and say, "Stefan, please, tell us what happened. What did Rebekah do to you?", before turning back to Damon and saying, "I knew this was a bad idea and that we should just have Bonnie spell her and Klaus. Just look at what she's done to him!"

"Funny, that you didn't mention that when we all agreed on this plan," Damon replies.

"No,  _I_  didn't agree. I was outvoted," I remind him.

"That hardly matters now, does it?" Damon exclaims at me before looking to Stefan. "Look, Stefan, I've said sorry. How many more times can I apologise? I screwed up, but hey, that's me. Screw up is my middle name, just like forgiveness is yours. We agreed to push this aside until  _after_  we find the cure."

Stefan puts his head in his hands and laughter comes from him.

"Screwed up?  _Screwed up_?"

All of a sudden the smile falls from his face and is replaced with a thunderous rage. He pounces over me and lands on top of Damon. He has him pinned to the floor, has hold of him by his shirt, and he brings his fit down upon face with such force and speed that his hand and Damon's face both become blurred in my vision. Damon lies motionless on the floor and I know that he's allowing Stefan to do his worst, because he knows he deserves it and that Stefan has been desperately needing to release this caged up rage since the day he found out that Damon and I slept together. Every instinct in my body is telling me to stop them, to drag Stefan away from Damon from his hair just to stop him from hurting him, but I don't. I stand by and let it happen, because I know just like Damon that this has to happen.

* * *

** STEFAN **

My blood is burning as it races around my body, fueling the white hot fury that is once again filling me up from the inside. My mind becomes completely blank and my senses dull, as my body transforms into a machine,  _a weapon,_ fueled by hatred and anger and betrayal and whose sole purpose is to destroy Damon. I bring my fist down on his face again and again and again, causing blood to spurt out from every orifice on his face and still I don't relent. I yell out in anger and the pace of the blows grow more frantic and as my temper reaches it's peak, I rip the leg from the coffee table and plunge it deep into his chest. Elena's piercing squeal brings me back to my senses and I see Damon's face bloody and mangled, his eyes rolling back in his head, his shirt wet with blood, the shard of wood protruding out from his chest and my temper dissipates as quickly as it erupted. I roll off him and fall back onto the ground, my breathing heavy and erratic. My vision remains impaired for numerous seconds, but my hearing returns to me and I can hear Elena's shuddering and frantic sobs as she calls out Damon's his name. Despite still being disorientated I manage to crawl back towards them and when my vision finally comes back to me my hand goes up to my mouth in horror as I stare on at what I've done through my tear filled eyes.

"Oh, god, Damon..." I croak.

I continue staring at him for a few seconds, unable to think anything other than " _oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god,_ ", but then my rationale returns to me and I yank the wood out of his chest forcefully and yell at Elena to get blood. She scrambles to her feet and disappears out of the room. Damon is still conscious but barely and luckily Elena returns in less than a second. I force the blood bag down Damon's throat and at first he barely responds aside from opening his mouth slightly.

"Come on, Damon," I say as I squeeze the blood bag. "Come on."

"Stefan...what...what do we do? What do we do?" Elena asks me through panicked sobs.

"He' okay. He's going to be okay," I say.

Half way through the second blood bag Damon shows signs of responding to the blood and grabs it from my hands, sucking at it desperately. Elena and I exclaim in relief and we remain watching over him and handing him more blood bags, until he gasps and shoots up, his eyes wide. Elena grabs him tightly and giggles and cries with relief, and despite wanting to do the same, I don't. His eyes fall on me and I see something in them that I haven't seen in them in the entire 164 years that we have been brothers - fear. Elena pulls away from Damon, but remains clinging to him and they both stare at me, horror in their eyes.

"Damon...I'm...I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I never wanted...I'm...I'm sorry," I stammer.

The fear falls from his face then and he looks at me in a way he so rarely does, with sympathy and love, and despite what I've just done to him I can almost see an apology in his eyes.

Elena places her head on Damon's shoulder and wraps her arm around his neck, the relief of seeing him alive and well still having hold of her. Damon keeps his eyes on mine and although no words are exchanged between us, with just one look we communicate more than we have in over a century. It says all of the things that we always feel but never say, like; I'm sorry, please forgive me and no matter what happens you're my brother and I don't know what I'd do without you and... _I love you_.

* * *

** DAMON **

Elena helps me get to my feet and leads me over to the couch. Stefan gets up and follows us and sits across from us in the arm chair. None of us speak for a few minutes, because I'm not sure that any of us know what to say.

"Stefan, I'm sorry," I say, finally breaking the silence.

I think it's the first time I've truly apologised to him with a sincere heart, since sleeping with Elena and I know that I should've said it sooner. We agreed to push our issues aside in order to focus on finding the cure, but the truth is it can't be ignored anymore. All three of us are hurting and pretending otherwise clearly isn't working.

"I deserved everything I got," I continue. "I think it's time that we finally talk about this. About us and what we're doing."

It feels strange that I'm the one being the voice of reason for a change, but I feel that it's necessary and after what has just happened any facade or walls that I've had up over these passing weeks completely slips away. Stefan looks conflicted and his eyes are down on the ground. Elena sits beside me and she takes her hand off my leg, before saying, "This is all my fault," her voice dripping with guilt and shame. "None of this would've happened if I just..." She trails off not knowing how to finish that sentence. "I've tried so hard to do the right thing, but I keep messing up and hurting you both and I don't know what to do anymore."

Stefan sighs deeply. "We've all got a part to play in this, Elena. It's hard on all of us."

"Yeah, but if I just...if I chose one of you like you asked before, this wouldn't have happened."

My eyes fall to the ground too and despite knowing that this is something we need to talk about, I want nothing more than for the ground to swallow me whole.

"I've been so selfish, avoiding both of you, keeping you both at a distance, because I know I can't give you the answers that you need and because I'm terrified. The thought of losing either one of you..."

Her voice cracks with emotion and she shakes her head, as she tries to get a hold of her emotions.

"But I need to do the right thing by you and do what I should've done a long time ago...I need to let both of you go."

Mine and Stefan's heads jerk up at hearing her say those words and we both stare at her in disbelief.

"I know none of us wanted it to come to this, but we keep going round and round in circles. We're stuck in this never ending cycle of hurting each other and it needs to stop. You want me to choose and I...I can't. I've seen what this has done to you before with Katherine. She ruined you and I won't do the same. It's not too late, we can stop repeating history and do something about it."

She's speaking the truth that all of us have always known, but refused to accept, simply because we knew the consequences of admitting it aloud and despite all of the pain we cause each other, we still love each other, still  _need_  each other. But the fact that for the first time Elena has said it...it confirms my deepest fear that our love has finally run it's course. I always knew that at some point this would happen, that our ties would be severed due to the unbearable ongoing tension and conflict that is between the three of us, but one tiny part of me was naive enough to believe that the love we share would be enough to keep us together forever.

"But...the cure. We're finally making progress finding it, you...you can't just walk away," Stefan says, attempting to find any reason he can to make sure she stays in our lives.

She nods. "And we'll still carry on with the plan. We'll get through dinner tomorrow, we'll kill Kol, we'll do everything we planned, but when we find it, I need to go my own way and you do, too."

I shake my head and meet her eyes. "What about what we want? Doesn't that count for anything?"

"I'm sorry," she says, her eyes glistening with tears. "I just can't bear to see this anymore. I can't stand hurting you and seeing how much this has come between you. What Stefan just did..." she shakes her head. "You're brothers. You love each other and you need each other. Nothing should come between that, especially not me."

Neither I or Stefan speak, because despite wanting to argue and fight against what she's saying, her words are too powerful to ignore. He meets my eyes and I know that there's an internal war going on within him, just as there is in me, because Elena's right. Stefan and I need each other and without Elena perhaps we could find some way to move past all the hurt we've caused each other and reach a good place, but neither one of us can envision a future that doesn't include her.

"So what...what do we do now?" I ask, afraid of the answer she will give.

"You two are going to sit down and talk, you're going to work things out without me and tomorrow you're going to come to Christmas dinner and then we'll find the cure and this will all be over."

Over? But I don't  _want_  it to be over.

She stands up and heads for the front door, and neither one of us stop her. We simply sit in stunned silence, still processing the events that have just unfolded and absorbing her words.

"She's right. Everything she said is right," Stefan says.

I exhale deeply and say, "I know," my hands on my head.

He sighs before getting up from the armchair and sitting beside me on the couch. "Will this ever end?"

"Nope," I reply.

"Well, at least you've managed to keep your promise to give me an eternity of misery."

I laugh lightly and I see a small smile on his face. We're doing what we always do when we don't know what to say, we're making light of the situation.

"Look, we've been through this before and worse, but somehow..."

"Somehow we always wind up back here together," I say finishing his sentence.

"You're my brother, Damon, and no matter how much I might hate you or how much of a dick you are, that's never gonna change. So we might not like it, but we're stuck with each other."

I nod. "And what about Elena?"

He sighs. "I guess we do what she says. We find the cure and then we...move on."

I scoff and ask, "And can you do that? Can you move on?"

He looks down at his hands for a few moments, and then looks back up to me. "I don't think I'll ever move on from her, but if that's what she wants, I have to at least try. We were both prepared to leave town a month ago in order to make sure she was happy."

"Yeah, but that was then," I say. "You know, I could always use the sire bond to make her change her mind."

Stefan raises his eyebrows and gives me a disapproving look.

"Kidding, kidding," I say holding up my hands, although part of me is deadly serious. "So what do we do if she changes her mind and she ends up choosing one of us?"

"You heard what she said, Damon."

"No, no, I did. But that's now. What about when she's taken the cure and she's human again and she's not sired to me anymore? Do you really think there's not even a teeny tiny possibility that she could change her mind?"

He furrows his brow and puts his hand to his head. "Well...I dunno. Yeah, I guess."

"So...what do we do if that happens?"

He looks up and meets my eyes. "If it happens,  _if,_ then we do what we said we'd do before."

"Loser leaves town," I say.

He sighs. "Not exactly the way I would put it, but yeah."

"You'd think that after 165 years we would've at least learned from our past mistakes."

He half scoffs and half laughs. "Yeah, well, maybe Elena was right about that, too. Maybe we can finally stop repeating history."

"I dunno. Something tells me that in another 165 years we'll still be finding something to fight about, even if it's not Elena."

"Yeah, you're probably right," he replies, with a small smile.

I look at him then,  _really_  look at him and despite being beaten to a pulp by him less than 15 minutes ago, I feel no resentment or hatred for him in this moment. Only pride, that even after everything we have been through we are still sitting side by side. I thought that our love for Elena is what united us, and in some ways it is, but now I realise that more than that it's the love we have for one another that unites us. That love is the reason why regardless of how much I hate him, I've never been able bring myself to kill him and why he gave up everything to leave town with Klaus just to save me and why today he didn't kill me, despite having every reason to. It's a love that neither one of us dare to admit aloud, but it exists and it is what enables us to continuously forgive each other, even when we don't deserve it.

"Drink?" I say, getting up from the couch and going over to the collection of bourbon bottles at the other side of the room.

Talking about my emotions has always been a drain on my energy, (which is why I usually avoid it) and I'm all maxed out. My head hurts, I'm exhausted and all I want is to sit and drink with my brother.

"Sure," he replies.

I pour two glasses, go back to him and hand him his glass.

"To not repeating history," I say raising my glass.

"To not repeating history," he repeats, reaching up and clinking his glass against mine.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly Christmas and the group celebrate with an early dinner at the Gilbert's with Stefan and head chef and Caroline chief planner. Damon reflects on how he and Stefan spent Christmas as young children and Elena misses her parents but is grateful to be with her remaining family and friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a combination of AU, present day and flashbacks. The AU isn't connected to the story in any way and none of the characters are aware of it. It's completely separate from the story and just an added bonus for Christmas to give a little fluffy relief from all the heavy angst and drama. 
> 
> The AU takes place at Christmas, is all human, Stefan and Elena are married with a young son and Bonnie and Damon are together. There are also some parallels that tie the AU to canon-verse just so that the two fitted together better.

**STEFAN (AU)**

"Mommy! Daddy! Come on, wake up! Wake up! Santa's been! Santa's been!"

I reluctantly pull away from sleep, only to feel a large weight pounce on top of me that causes my eyes to shoot open.

"Come on, Dad! Come on!" he yells excitably jumping up and down up the bed.

I groan and hear Elena groan next to me.

"Okay, okay, we're awake," she says, with a light laugh.

He flops down onto the bed and wriggles into the middle of us. I wrap my arm around him and kiss his mop of sandy hair.

"So Santa's been has he?" I ask.

He nods his head and yells, "Yes! Yes! Yes! The milk and cookies are gone and there's lots of presents under the tree!"

"What about the carrots for the reindeer's?" Elena asks.

"They're gone, too. Let's go downstairs!"

"You go on down, we'll be down in a minute and daddy will make his special pancakes and waffles with extra syrup. How does that sound?" Elena says, beaming down at him.

He gets back on his feet and whoops before climbing off the bed and dashing out of the door. A giggle of glee escapes her and I look at the door he's just disappeared out of, smiling from ear to ear. I reach for her hand and she turns to face me. Her hair is wild and frizzy, her eyes still sleepy and there's a patch of dry dribble at the side of her mouth, but she still looks beautiful.

"Merry Christmas," I say, pressing her hand to my mouth and kissing it lightly.

"Merry Christmas."

She leans into me, kisses me tenderly and I can feel that she's still smiling. I move from her mouth and go on to plant kisses from her ear all the way down to her neck. I feel her squirm underneath me because she's ticklish on her neck and so I pin her down and do it more, making silly noises as I do so. She wriggles underneath me and calls out to me to stop in between laughs. I tickle her harder and her laughs turn into chuckles and then her voice starts to crack, as her voice grows high pitched due to the swelling of uncontrollable laughter fighting to escape her body.

"Stefan, the baby! The baby!" she attempts to say, but she's laughing too hard.

I stop tickling her and slide back up to her, taking her face in my hands and gazing upon her dark eyes that are shimmering with joy and adoration. I kiss her softly then bend down and kiss her swollen stomach. I begin to feel movement and I look up to her with wide eyes. She places her hand on her stomach and no matter how many times we feel it, it still brings us immense amounts of joy and pride.

"Baby's awake," I say.

She reaches out for my face and says, "I love you, Stefan."

I shift back up to her and place my hand on the side of her face. "I love you," I reply, tracing my finger over her cheek and putting my head to hers.

She sighs a sweet, soft sigh and I wonder how I have been lucky enough to find her.

"Mom, dad! Come on!" a little voice yells from down the stairs, interrupting our tender moment.

We both let out a little giggle and then roll out of bed to head downstairs.

* * *

** DAMON (present day) **

"Elena, you're here, Stefan, you're there; Jeremy, there; Bonnie and Damon, no, not there, here..." Caroline says pointing at seats around the table and giving out her orders.

I take my seat next to Bonnie and oddly, of everyone at this table today I'd rather sit by her. Sharing a drink with Stefan last night after we came to blows provided us with some level of closure, but our relationship is hardly at it's strongest. He's sat opposite me, next to Caroline and I can tell from the look on his face that he's less than enthusiastic about today. He's spent hours slaving over the stove, with Caroline over his shoulder bellowing out orders and now that the time has come to sit and eat he seems burnt out. Elena is at the opposite end of the table, next to Jeremy and she seems surprisingly upbeat giving the events of last night. I can't tell if she's really in a good mood or if it's merely a facade, and part of me hopes that it's the latter, since she announced less than 24 hours ago that she was going to walk away from Stefan and I. The thought of it tears me up inside and I want her to feel the same way. My feelings for her have always been one sided, but I still can't help but want her to care about me as much as I care for her and that means being in as much pain as I am, too.

"Matt, help me serve," Caroline calls to Donovan.

He sighs before getting up and following her into the kitchen. Once we all have a plate of food sitting in front of us, everyone immediately tucks in, and aside from the odd bit of chatter from Elena, Bonnie and Jeremy, the rest of us remain silent and concentrate on eating our food. I scan the room and look at everyone's faces and I sense that like me, everyone is only here out of obligation. Or most likely because Caroline threatened to rip their heads off if they didn't.

Stefan barely makes eye contact with anyone and I can sense he's jittery as a result of feeding last night. No doubt he would rather be tucking into some young sophomore rather than turkey and trimmings. Caroline and Tyler are in the middle of a fight, which is evident from the way Caroline keeps snapping at him and the way his head is practically in his dinner, as though he wants to disappear into it. Matt is perched at the end of the table next to Tyler and is quiet and unassuming. He's the only remaining human amongst us and if it weren't for the fact that most of the people sitting at this table were his childhood friends, he would definitely not be here. Elena outwardly appears happy, but I assume that she's just better than the rest of us at pretending. Bonnie and Jeremy are the only ones that seem truly content, which is most likely due to their blossoming romance and the glint in their eye that gives away what they were doing before they arrived. Surprisingly, the stony silences, dreary atmosphere and thunderous faces don't bother me, in fact I quite like it because it's familiar and reminds me of the way Stefan and I spent Christmas every year as kids.

* * *

 **DAMON (flashback) _  
_**  
When I was a young boy I always held the spirit of Christmas in my heart. Lily, my sweet, doting mother did everything she could to ensure that I was happy and had a magical Christmas each December, but her efforts were always thwarted by my abusive, alcoholic father.

I lived in a world where I was used to my mother trembling in fear when my father was in the same room as her, of hearing her yelp in terror and beg for him to stop. I knew even from a young age that there was something wrong with my family, with my father, but I never truly understood what it was. Unlike the father's of my neighbors or friends, Giuseppe did not pay me a shred of attention, preferring to keep company with a bottle of whisky than his own son, but still I carried the innocence and naivety of a child and believed that he had to love me, after all he was my father and that's what father's did; they loved their sons. I would often go to him, grass stained knees, snotty nosed and muddy faced to ask him to play with me. No matter how many times he swiped me away with a quick back hand, I would keep going back to him, desperate for the love of my father.

Lily more than made up for Giuseppe's neglect by showering me with affection and love, and especially at Christmas time. In those early years I have only a handful of fond memories from the Christmas days that Giuseppe would be out hunting or at the pub and mother and I were free of him for a few short hours. Without him around, the frail, reserved and somber woman she usually was transformed into a bright, white light of joy. She would sit with me in front of the fireplace and encourage me to rip open the few presents she could afford to buy and then the two of us would sit down to eat, dreading the moment that Giuseppe would return home, because it always ended the same way; with crockery and food over the floor, Lily sobbing and me looking on, tears of my own streaming down my face, waiting for his hand to strike me in a fit of unprovoked rage.

Christmas was a happier time once Stefan was born. His birth provided Lily and I with a sense of joy, and for Giuseppe, pride. Stefan was the son he had always hoped for and quickly became the apple of his eye, which further reminded me of the harsh rejection he showed me in place of the devotion he showed my younger brother. But regardless of how much he doted on Stefan, he remained the same, with a bottle in his hand, a vicious tongue and fiery temper. However, having my little brother around to play with and share in adventures with, in some way eased the pain of his rejection and Christmas was a time for Stefan and I to play in the snow and be transported by our imaginations to magical lands where a big, fat man in a red suit traveled the world by flying reindeer and delivered presents under our tree.

Christmas of 1853 started exactly like that; Stefan and I playing in the snow, Lily standing by bundled up from head to toe, her nose red from the bitter cold, a smile on her face, whilst Giuseppe was out on his seasonal hunt, from which he would always return with nothing but another empty bottle of whisky. We built a snowman, indulged in snow ball fights, made snow angels and after an hour of play we returned inside, our bodies frozen. We huddled in front of the fire, Lily draped a blanket about us and I wrapped my arm around a shuddering 8 year old Stefan, holding him close.

"Now, boys, I wanted to save this until later, but I have something for you both," mother said, leaving the room to go out into the hall.

Stefan immediately discarded the blanket and jumped up squealing with excitement. A few moments later she appeared, rolling a bike along with her. It was rusty, the seat solid metal, the wheels flimsy, but Stefan's eyes still lit up with excitement.

"Is that for me?" he squeaked.

"Yes, darling. Santa bought it for you."

"It's just like the one Damon used to have!" Stefan exclaimed, turning to look at me, a beaming smile on his face. "Isn't it, Damon?"

"Sure is, buddy," I replied stepping up behind him and ruffling his sandy hair. "I'll teach you how to ride it the second the snow is cleared."

"Well, I thought this might make that a little easier..." mother said disappearing out of the room again and pulling out a second bike. "You didn't think I'd forget you, now, did you?"

I looked at her, my eyes wide in surprise.

"But...we can't afford this," I said.

"Now, I don't want you worrying about that. It's Christmas and I want you and your brother to have the best of everything. So here you go," she said pushing the bike towards me.

I took it from her and she came over and embraced me. "Merry Christmas, my darling boy."

"Thanks, mom," I whispered.

"Now we can ride together, Damon, can't we?" Stefan asked. "That's why Santa got you one, too. He's clever."

"Yeah. Yeah, he is," I said looking at mother a smile still on my face.

Then the door burst open, causing all three of us to jump out of our skin. A look of terror came across Lily's face and she desperately scrambled to grab the bikes, but just seconds later Giuseppe appeared in the doorway.

"Darling, you're back early."

"Huh," he replied. "It's my house and I can come back when I damn well please."

"Of course you can. I didn't mean...I just wasn't expecting you. The children and I haven't sat down to eat yet, we were waiting for you. Shall we...?"

"What's this?" he asked, stepping through the threshold on wobbly legs, gesturing at the bikes and spilling whisky on the floor from the open bottle that was in his hand.

"These? Oh, they're the boys Christmas presents. After what happened to Damon's bike in the summer, I thought it would be nice to get him a new one and Stefan has been wanting to learn to ride for a long time now, haven't you, darling?"

Stefan nodded enthusiastically.

"Look, dad, isn't it great?" he said stepping forward and reaching out for Giuseppe's hand.

I instantly felt my back stiffen, ready to dive in and protect Stefan, should the need arise. Even being the perfect son wasn't enough to save Stefan from the harsh punishment of meeting Giuseppe's fists and it was something I could not bear to be witness to. He was my little brother, an innocent and sweet child and he did not deserve it and as long as I was in the room it wouldn't happen. I'd lost count of the amount of slaps I'd intercepted that were intended for Stefan. I would very often deliberately disobey Giuseppe's orders or behave out of turn, just to distract his attention from Stefan's wrong doings.

But this time, he simply let Stefan take his hand and replied with a sarcastic, "Yeah."

"Damon said as soon as the snow clears he's going to teach me how to ride. Oh, dad, please come with us. You can teach me, too."

Giuseppe was no longer listening to Stefan and was glaring at me from where he stood.

"We'll have to see. Your father is busy with work and perhaps it would be best if Damon showed you," Lily replied, quickly, trying to defuse the situation before it progressed any further, just as she always did.

"Damon, huh," Giuseppe said stepping forward.

"Come on, now, darling. Let's sit and eat dinner, shall we? I'm sure you must be starving," Lily said reaching out and stroking his chest.

He shoved her hard and she stumbled backwards. I looked to her sitting on the floor looking up at me through the wide, fear filled eyes I was so used to seeing and I looked Giuseppe straight in the eye as he approached me.

"Dad?" Stefan's voice called from beside me, quiet and uncertain.

Despite these encounters being a regular occurrence in our home, after 8 years Stefan still seemed to react in surprise, most likely because the tenderness Giuseppe showed him, confused him and deceived him into believing that his father was a kind, loving father and husband.

"Do you remember what happened to your last bike?"

"I do."

"Giuseppe, Damon has more than proved himself to be-"

"Be quiet, Lily!" he yelled, cutting her off.

"You, my boy, are nothing more than a delinquent. I hear folks around here, the way they speak about you. Always out playin' in the mud, makin' a fool of yourself, speakin' of things that don't concern you, gettin' in trouble. You're an embarrassment and I'm ashamed to call you my son."

The smell of whisky was so strong on his breath that I felt certain I would pass out from the fumes and flecks of spit flew out from his mouth onto my face as he spoke, but still I remained standing tall, looking him straight in the eye. I could feel Stefan beside me, moving in closer to me and I pushed him aside.

"No more than I am ashamed to call you my father, sir," I said, clear and concise.

His eyes went wide with rage and he yelled out in fury, striking me down where I stood.

"No!" Stefan yelled diving in front of me and holding up his hand to protect himself.

Giuseppe was too drunk to notice that Stefan was the one that was about to receive the hit and so his fist fell upon him, sending him down to the ground. Lily got up from the floor at the other side of the room and scrambled over to us. She took a weeping Stefan into her arms and dragged me by the hand away from him. He remained standing on the spot, swaying from side to side and his reactions were so numbed by the immense levels of alcohol in his system that it seemed to take him a minute to realise we were at the other side of the room in Lily's arms. He let out a roar and proceeded to pick my new bike up and smash it repeatedly off the brick floors and walls, until the floor was filled with pieces of it and it was completely bent out of shape. Stefan had his head buried in my shirt the entire time it was happening, crying so loud that it almost drowned out the sounds of the bangs, but I watched him continue to destroy the bike along with our Christmas, filled with a burning resentment and hatred for him.

Once he was satisfied that he had adequately ruined my second bike, he charged over towards us and I grabbed onto Stefan tighter, wrapping my arms about him to protect him from harm. Giuseppe's sweaty, sticky hands reached out for me around the throat, but Lily ran from behind us and pushed him forcefully away from me, screaming at him to leave me alone. I lifted Stefan up into my arms and shifted back against the wall, desperate to become as one with it to escape from what was happening. Screams and yells escaped both of them as they struggled with each other, but when I opened my eyes Lily had stopped fighting and relented, just as she always did and was on the floor on her back, staring up at him through terror filled eyes. He straddled her and began slapping her across her face repeatedly, and all that escaped her were small grunts, as she attempted to remain brave for Stefan and I.

I stood by and watched, cradling Stefan in my arms and resting my face on top of his hair, taking as much comfort from him as he was from me and the need for my father's love and approval completely disappeared in that moment, as I watched him beat my mother within an inch of her life for the hundredth time. That is the first time I truly saw him for what he was; a violent drunk. A  _monster._

* * *

** ELENA  _(present day)_ **

"Stefan this is great!" Caroline exclaims, putting a mouthful of turkey in her mouth.

Everyone nods in agreement and mutters words of gratification and appreciation to Stefan, who nods and smiles modestly. I peer over at Jeremy sitting to my right. There's only a few bites of his dinner left on his plate, in comparison to the rest of us that still have half a plate full. I look at his strong, muscular arms and notice that even sitting, his head is at least 5 inches higher than mine and I wonder when my little brother stopped being so little.

This our first Christmas without mom, dad and Jenna and I know that like me, Jeremy is attempting to bury the pain of missing them by being overly chatty and displaying a toothy smile. I love everybody that is sat at this table and that makes it somewhat easier to deal with them not being here, but I can't help but peer over at Matt who is sitting next to me, in the same place that dad sat less than 12 months ago. The memories of the holidays are fuzzy, because we spent Christmas the same way every year and it never occurred to me that last Christmas might be the last we'd have together as a family. I peer over Jeremy's shoulder to look at the photograph of mom and dad on their wedding day that still hangs on the wall. He catches my eye line and swivels to look at the photo, before looking back to me a sighing softly.

"I miss them, too," he says quietly, reaching out and placing his hand on my thigh.

I meet his eyes and nod. Everywhere I look and everything I do, I'm constantly reminded of the absence of my family, but today, I'm more nostalgic than anything else. I reflect on the memories I have with my family with joy, and although I would give anything to have another Christmas with them, having Jeremy sat beside me is more than enough. I've only just got him back and I want to enjoy the day and appreciate this time with him whilst I can, because tomorrow we kill Kol and after that we won't have time for this for a very long time.

Aside from the odd bits of tinsel or banners that Caroline hung this morning especially for the dinner, the house is devoid of Christmas festivity, because most of our Christmases were spent at the lake house. Every year mom, Jeremy and I headed up to the lake house on the 23rd without dad, and he would join us late on Christmas Eve, after his shift at the surgery ended. He would bring a tree with him and we would decorate it together, whilst sipping on hot chocolate. On Christmas morning, we would wake up, eat pancakes and waffles for breakfast, then each of us would open one present each, before Jenna arrived at around 1pm for dinner. We would then sit to eat, pull crackers, read the awful jokes and wear the paper hats and sit together and open presents. We would then play games, before later on sitting down to eat cheese and crackers, whilst watching 'It's a Wonderful Life', during which Jeremy and I would always fall asleep on the couch.

Each year at Christmas our family would push aside everything and focus on spending quality time together and being happy, and for that reason all 17 of the Christmases I have celebrated are special to me and filled with joyous memories that I will cherish forever. Part of me feels saddened that I will never be sat around the table surrounded by my rosy cheeked children with big grins, and gleeful giggles, passing the family traditions down to them in order to create a joyous, magical filled day that they will remember and carry with them for the rest of their lives, just as our parents did for Jeremy and me. At only 18 years old I've never particularly thought too much of my future, but the one and only thing that somewhere deep down inside I always believed I would have was a family of my own and that I would one day be know by a very special little boy or girl as 'mom'.

* * *

** STEFAN (AU) **

The morning whizzes by in a whirlwind of pancakes, waffles and syrup, laughter and chatter. Sammy has always enjoyed Christmas but this year he is more excited than he's ever been and it provides me with such joy to see it. He's spent the hours since he woke up bounding around the house, singing Christmas songs at the top of his lungs and peering out the window in anticipation of Damon, Bonnie and Jeremy's arrival.

He kneels under the tree and selects three presents, one for each of us and puts them at our feet, where we then proceed to open them together. Elena's is a vanilla scented candle from Caroline, mine aftershave from Jeremy and Sammy's, a set of wolf figurines from Caroline and Tyler. Elena lights the candle and places it in the center of the coffee table, providing the house with a sweet scent, whilst I tend to the dinner and Sammy plays with his wolves beside the tree.

At preciously 1pm on the dot, Bonnie and Damon arrive and I open the door to find them hand in hand, wearing matching knitted jumpers and goofy grins on their faces. Samson immediately jumps up and throws himself into their arms, excited to see them. Damon ruffles his hair and wishes him a merry Christmas and the two of them walk through into the kitchen to join Elena and I. As always, Jeremy arrives half an hour late but Samson is ecstatic to see his Uncle and insists that he join in with his play.

When dinner is ready Jeremy and Sammy race to the table, both of them chuckling and gasping for breath by the time they reach us. We all take our places and I serve up the food that I have spent hours slaving away at. I make sure to give Elena and Jeremy bigger portions than the rest of us, because Elena is eating for two and because Jeremy is...well, a greedy pig. Everyone says thanks and compliments my cooking, and the room is filled with groans and moans of pleasure, as they all savor every bite of their food. Even Sammy sits still in his seat beside Jeremy and eats his dinner in a polite manner, as though he were one of the adults. Half an hour later everyone's plates are empty, and we're all leaning back in our chairs, rubbing our bloated bellies, dreamy smiles on our faces. Elena lets out a huge belch and we all laugh.

The rest of the afternoon and early evening, goes down in the same way it always does - with the pulling of crackers, bad jokes, lots of chocolate, the room scattered with discarded wrapping paper, smiles of joy as each of us opens that one present that we've desperately been wanting and games, that bring out the sibling rivalry between Damon and I. Samson opens all of his presents, but still waits patiently until 6pm to open the big mystery box that is under the window beside the tree. He practically falls over his feet as he sprints to the box, but when he tries to lift it he comes to find that it's too heavy and Damon rushes over to help him. Elena sits beside Bonnie on the couch, camcorder in hand ready to capture the wondrous moment that's about to occur. Sammy rips the wrapping paper off in less than a second, as the patience he has managed all day completely dissipates, to reveal a cardboard box underneath.

"What is it? What is it? What is it?" he asks excitedly, jumping up and down on the spot.

Jeremy grabs a knife and hands it to me so that I can cut into the box faster. I reach inside the box and pull out a brand new, shining, red bike and place it on the carpet. Samson's eyes practically pop out of the sockets when he sees it and then he turns his head to look over to Elena, a look of surprise and disbelief mixed with joy on his face.

"Go on then, sweetheart. It's yours," Elena says. He then looks from her, back to me and I give him a nod of encouragement.

He climbs on, and the bike collapses over on it's side in a matter of seconds, luckily I manage to catch him in my arms which protects him from injuring himself.

Tears glisten in his eyes as he says, "I'm rubbish," his voice wobbly.

"No, no you're not," I say bending down to him. "You just need to learn how to do it. That's why Santa brought it for you, so you can learn. Uncle Damon and me will teach you, won't we?"

"You bet we will," Damon replies with a nod. "Come here, buddy."

Sammy goes over and perches himself on Damon's knee.

"Look, I taught your dad how to ride a bike, and just between us, he was rubbish too."

A small chuckle escapes Sammy.

"He was so bad that I thought I'd never be able to teach him, but then guess what happened?"

"He did it?" Sammy, asks with hope in his eyes.

Damon nods. "That's right."

"That's why it's important not to give up," I say. "No matter how hard something gets."

Sammy nods and then gets up and goes over to the bike. "Yeah," he says determinedly tracing his hand over it. "I'm going to learn how to ride a bike and then I'm going to be the bestest bike rider in the entire world!"

Laughter escapes all of us and Elena encourages him more with her own words of reassurance. I beam at him with pride and then get up from my knees and walk over to Elena, when I notice that she has emotional tears in her eyes. I sit on the arm beside her and pull her into me, kissing her head. She smiles up at me, and a tear rolls down her cheek. Bonnie hands her a tissue and Elena takes it and thanks her.

"This is what Christmas is all about," Bonnie says taking a tissue a wiping tears from her own eyes. "It's worth it just to see that smile on his little face and next year we'll have a new baby at the table."

Elena runs her hand over her stomach and her smile grows wider. I place my hand over hers and look over at Sammy is kneeling down beside the bike, asking Damon and Jeremy question after question, completely in awe of it. I feel a wave of contentment and completeness wash over me, and the happiness I feel takes me over until I can feel my body tremble with the intensity of it.

"Now that we've opened all of our presents, I think it's time to watch the movie," Elena announces.

Damon meets my eyes across the room and gives me a wink, signalling that it's time.

"Actually, I thought we could take away a step from tradition this year," I say bending down and whispering in her ear.

She looks up at me, a frown on her face. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Come on," I say taking her hand in mine and helping her up from the couch.

"Stefan, what-what's going on?"

I reach for her coat from the bottom of the banister, hand it to her and say, "You'll need this."

She wraps it about herself, but continues to look on at me in confusion, as I lead her through the back door and outside.

"Stefan, it's pitch black. I can't...I can't see anything."

As though on cue, the fairy lights that I spent last night hanging from the house switch on. She looks up at them, her eyes wide and her mouth open in confusion. "When-when did they get there? Where did they come from?" she questions.

"Elena, just shut up," I say stepping in front of her.

My heart is pounding in my chest, sweat dripping down the back of my neck as I prepare myself to say the most important thing I will ever say to anybody.

"Elena, you...you know how I feel about you..."

"Of course, I do..."

"You've made me happier than I ever thought possible. You've given me everything I ever wanted, love, family, a home. You are...you're everything to me. You know that, don't you?"

"Stefan, you're scaring me."

I reach out and take her hands.

"You and me...we're connected, since the day we met...it's been that way and I never want to live my life without you in it, because I love you and I know that for as long as I live that will never change. So...Elena Gilbert..."

I step aside so that she can see onto the grass and the words 'will you marry me' light up. A gasp escapes her and I reach my hand down into my jean pocket, slowly get down onto my knee and when she faces back towards me, she has her hand over her mouth her eyes wide with surprise.

"...will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group manage to find some festive cheer beneath all the doom and gloom in time for Christmas. Damon continues to recall memories from his and Stefan's childhood. Stefan and Elena grow closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is part two of the previous chapter and a continuation of present day, AU and flashbacks. 
> 
> Explicit sexual content, pregnant sex ensues (in AU).

**WARNING:** Once again this chapter earns its ' **M** ' rating and you can expect to see a chunk of  _sexually explicit_   _content_.

 **A/N:** Continuation of present day, AU and flashbacks

* * *

** DAMON (flashback) **

Giuseppe disappeared shortly after wreaking havoc and left behind the tatters of what started off as a happy Christmas. I didn't shed a tear and buried the anguish that plagued me, in order to be there for mother and Stefan, who needed my strength and support. I tended Lily's bruised and battered body, wiping her wounds with salt water, I made Stefan hot chocolate and played cards with him and after an hour, his tears finally subsided and he returned to his childlike state of contentment, but unfortunately it wasn't as easy for Lily and I.

She remained sat at the table for hours, not moving or blinking, and only uttering words of reassurance to Stefan whenever he asked if she was okay. I knew there was nothing I could do to ease her suffering, as Giuseppe would return in a few hours and she would be faced with his vicious temper for the second time today. Stefan and I were lucky, there were times when we were able to avoid him, but for Lily there was no escape. Despite his ill treatment of her, she was still a dutiful wife and would wait up for him to return home, provide him with hot cooked meals and carry him to bed each night, and she did that knowing that she would receive no gratitude from him, only resentment and rage.

When it reached 8pm, Stefan began yawning and rubbing his eyes, exhausted from the days events and I took him up to bed. Lily followed us up, tucked us in and read a story to us. Stefan cuddled up to me and drifted off to sleep by the second page. Shortly afterwards I closed my eyes too, despite my mind being too preoccupied to sleep. I heard Lily peck Stefan and she then leaned over me and planted a warm kiss on my head.

"Sleep well, my darlings. I love you," she whispered before blowing out the candle and leaving the room.

The second the door was closed behind her I opened my eyes, to a pitch black room. Stefan's face was nuzzled into my shoulder, his breathing calm and regular and I shifted in closer to him, as the feelings of bitter sadness that I'd been fighting since Giuseppe left earlier that afternoon, came to the surface. It was only seconds before the tears began to fall and I didn't even attempt to stop them.

I was used to living in fear, of having a constant pit of anxiety in my stomach waiting for the next time Giuseppe would explode, but I rarely cried about it. It was just the way it was and I'd never known any different. There were times when I would play with the children in the neighborhood and see the love and devotion their father's showed them, and I would feel a wave of sadness come over me, but I would immediately push it away. After all, nothing was ever going to change, so what was the use in being sad about it? Whether I liked it or not Giuseppe was my father and I would be stuck with his drunken violence, harsh words of disdain and disappointing glares until the day either he or I died. But for one night, I allowed myself to be sad, to be a child. I cried for the love and acceptance I still desperately craved from him, for the happiness that I longed for our family to have, for the bike that he had smashed to pieces before my eyes for the second time, reminding me that any childish hopes or dreams I had would always be ripped from me as long as he was around.

In the summer of that year, I spent most of my days playing out in the summer heat, running wild and free and indulging in imaginative play. My bike was my most trusted companion and I took it everywhere with me. I would ride it through the trees and fields, or simply push it along beside me. Very often I would play alone, as I had little to no friends, but that didn't bother me much. I was happy to be out of the house and sometimes Stefan would join me, although he couldn't keep up with me as I sped off on my bike.

One afternoon I was out the front of the house throwing rocks into the air and hitting them with sticks, when one of the rocks smashed into Mrs Jones' window. I immediately grabbed my bike and ran back home, afraid of what I had done. I didn't speak of what I had done to anyone, but later that evening Mrs Jones paid us a visit. She pointed her bony finger at me, shouting and accusing me of always causing trouble and being a disturbed young boy. I was so ill with worry that I vomited over the floor and apologised profusely for what I had done, but Giuseppe showed no compassion and his unforgiving nature meant that I received 10 lashes from his belt and my bike ended up in pieces at the front of the house. It was the one and only possession that I valued, as it represented freedom and joy, and the moments I spent riding through the trees were the only ones that I was able to be a true child, but Giuseppe took that from me, just as he took everything else. Part of me believed that I deserved my punishment because I had done wrong, but as I lay in bed that night weeping, I realised that Giuseppe destroying my bike was done out of nothing more than malice. He had been punishing me since the day I was born and he would continue to, because I would never be the son he wanted. I would never be Stefan.

Minutes passed and the crying didn't relent, and then I heard the front door burst open signalling the arrival of Giuseppe. I braced myself for what was about to follow, and pulled the covers up over Stefan's head in the hopes of drowning out the sounds of yelling and banging. I heard Lily's soft and gentle voice pleading with him to go up to bed with her and get some sleep, but he just shouted and shouted. He screamed at her, cursing her for bringing me the bike, telling her that she was worthless, that she was nothing and the anger that would usually rise within me at hearing him speak to my sweet mother that way was no where in sight. I had no strength to feel anger, so instead I cried harder. I closed my eyes tightly, praying and wishing that somehow I could disappear and then I felt Stefan stir beside me.

"Da-Damon?" his little voice said croakily.

"It's okay, Stef, I'm here. Go back to sleep," I said, attempting to disguise the fact that I was crying.

"I wish they would stop shouting all of the time."

"Me too."

"I thought mom's and dad's were supposed to love each other."

I said nothing to that, because what could I say? So instead I just wrapped my arms about his shoulder.

"Do you want me to read to you until you fall back to sleep?" I asked.

I felt him shake his head. "No. I just want to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Damon...are you sad?"

"What makes you think I'm sad?"

"The pillow's wet."

Even at 8 years old he still seemed to know me better than anyone else.

"Is it because dad smashed up your bike?"

I nodded.

"It's okay. When we're older and you and me live together I'll buy you another one."

I laughed lightly. "Thanks, buddy."

Suddenly downstairs fell silent and I strained my ears to listen for any movement but heard nothing.

"It's okay, now. They've stopped, you can go back to sleep," I said.

The silence immediately provided him with enough comfort to drift back to sleep and within seconds he went limp in my arms. I shuffled down in the bed, pulling the covers up to my chin and rested my head on Stefan's, before closing my eyes. Knowing that regardless of how broken our family was, I wasn't alone and that I had my brother was enough to allow my mind rest long enough for me to fall asleep too.

* * *

** E ** ** LENA (AU) **

I stare down at his face, looking up at me expectantly, his mouth in a straight line, a dark navy, velvet box in his palm and a delicate, white gold ring with a single diamond at the center, sits inside, glinting in the light. I look at his face, then at the ring, then the lights on the lawn that read 'will you marry me?', then back to his face. No thoughts are in my mind, my head is completely clear, and yet I find myself falling to the ground on my knees and kissing him with desperate passion. I wind my fingers through his hair and pull his face into mine, pressing my lips to his hard and massaging my tongue against his, causing my entire body to go tingly. After a couple of minutes he pulls away and locks his eyes on mine.

"Is that a yes?" he asks breathlessly.

"Yes. Yes, yes!" I exclaim.

A chuckle escapes him and he takes the ring out of the box, slipping it onto my finger. He takes my hands and helps me to my feet and we resume our kiss, our teeth banging against each other, due to the smiles plastered onto our faces.

"I love you so much," I tell him.

"I love you, Elena."

A few moments later the back door flings open and I see Damon, Bonnie, Jeremy and Samson appear in the door way, thrilled grins on their faces. I hold up my left hand that now contains a ring and they all explode in cheers and rush over to us, throwing their arms around us. I feel Bonnie kissing my cheek, Jeremy has his strong arms about me and after Damon has embraced his brother he comes over and plants a kiss on my cheek and congratulates me. Then I see the most important face of them all; my son. I reach my hand out to him and he takes it and then runs to me, hugging my legs tightly. Stefan walks over to him and sweeps him up into his arms and I step forward and bury my head into the gap between their faces.

My boys. Oh, my boys.

My head feels giddy with excitement as I look at the faces of the two people I love most in the entire world and my entire being is overcome with a contentment I have never before experienced.

* * *

** DAMON (flashback) **

"Damon? Damon? Are you awake? Come on, Damon, wake up. Wake up."

I felt someone nudging me and when my eyes opened Stefan's green eyes were on mine.

"What? What is it?" I asked groggily, pulling the covers up to my chin, feeling the brisk cold of the winter's morning.

"Come on, I want to show you something," he said, an excited grin on his face.

"Show me what?"

"It's a surprise."

I raised my eyebrows at him and then groaned, before throwing the covers back and climbing out of bed.

"What time is it?" I asked peering out the window.

He shrugged. "Early. Now come on, we need to be quiet. We can't wake mom and dad," he said, reaching out for my hand.

I eyed him suspiciously. Stefan never broke the rules or went against Giuseppe's authority, at least not intentionally, so I wondered what had caused him to do so now. Nevertheless my curiosity got the better of me and I took his hand and let him lead me out of the bedroom. Once we were out in the hall I bent down and told him to climb onto my back, knowing that his heavy footsteps would no doubt wake Giuseppe and Lily. With his hands about my neck and his legs wrapped around my waist, I crept down the stairs on tiptoes, knowing well enough which loose floorboards to avoid so as not to cause any noise.

When we reached the final step I placed Stefan down on the ground and headed to the front door. He turned his head to look at me over his shoulder, and there was a mischievous grin on his face which made me want to chuckle. We knew what would happen if Giuseppe caught us, but somehow that made it all the more fun. This was just another one of our adventures. We pulled our shoes on that sat beside the front door and reached for our coats. I made sure to zip Stefan's coat all the way up and wrapped his scarf about his neck, and the second the door was open we jumped across the threshold and outside. The snow had mostly cleared and the ground was wet, from the rain that must've fell as we slept and there was a cold, slow blowing breeze in the air that caused goose pimples to rise on my skin.

"Where are we going, Stef?" I asked.

He smiled at me and then bounded off around the side of the house to the shed. When I caught up to him, he was standing beside the bike that mother got him yesterday for Christmas, the helmet in his hand.

"You're going to teach me how to ride a bike."

I shook my head and said, "Stefan, you saw what dad did last night to my bike. If he found out you'd done this he would do the same to yours."

"He won't find out, it can be our secret. Just us."

A stared at him for a few moments and then a smile came across my face and I went over to take the bike from him. I pushed the bike across the lawn and far enough into the trees that mother and Giuseppe wouldn't hear us. We found a patch of open concrete, I strapped the helmet to Stefan's head and helped him climb onto the bike. It was slightly too big for him, as was the helmet that kept slipping down over his eyes, but the smile on his face never wavered. I explained to him what to do and then pushed the bike along slowly, instructing him as I paced alongside him, steadying the bike with my hand.

"Now, when you're ready, Stefan, I'll let go, okay?"

He nodded and I began a countdown. "Three, two, one!"

I let go and for a few seconds he continued to pedal on before falling sideways. I dashed to him and picked him up from the ground.

"Let's go again," he said brushing himself down, his brow furrowed in determination.

And we did go again, and again and again and again. Each time he ended up on the floor, his clothes damp from the wet ground and occasionally a little mud on his face or a graze on his elbow, but he would jump straight back up onto his feet and demand that we go again.

"This is your last try, Stef. Mom and dad will be awake soon and we need to be back before they notice we're gone," I told him. "Ready?"

He nodded and I did what we had done every other time. I ran beside him, encouraging him and giving him instructions, but then he overtook me and my hands slipped away from the bike. I continued to run, picking up speed, ready to catch him when he fell, but this time he didn't. He carried on riding forward, pedaling hard, leaving me behind him.

His voice called back to me, full of excitement and joy, "Damon! Damon, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm riding a bike!"

"You're riding a bike!" I yelled back to him, clapping my hands and cheering. "Now pull on the breaks lightly to stop and I'll come and get you!"

He did as I said and came to a sudden and unsteady stop, just before he hit the trees. I sprinted down the path towards him, yelling his name as I went and saw him attempt to climb off the bike, but his legs fell short and he stumbled down to the ground for the hundredth time that morning.

I reached him and put him back on his feet, patting the helmet on his head and laughing. "Well done, Stef, you did it!"

"I did it! I did it! I did it!" he chanted over and over, dancing in a circle with celebration. He reached out for my hands and we danced together, both of us cheering in joyful excitement.

"Climb back on. I'm riding now," I told him after a few moments.

He looked at me puzzled and asked, "But if you're riding, how can I fit on?"

I lifted him up and placed him back onto the hard, metal seat and then cocked my leg over and stood on the pedals.

"You stay sitting there, don't move and hold onto my waist tight, okay?" I said looking over my shoulder at him.

He nodded and I began to pedal, slowly at first and then increasing in speed. It felt that it had been so long since I'd rode, and yet within seconds I was pedaling with all my might, leaving the rest of the world behind. Stefan did as I said and timidly clung to my waist tightly, making it difficult to breathe, but as we started to gain speed I let out a 'whoopee', felt Stefan's grip loosened slightly as he began to have fun. He then placed his hands on my shoulders and began to climb onto the metal bars to get to his feet. I felt his knees press into my back and his grip on my shoulder tighten, as he stood behind me. At first I felt panic run through me at the thought of what could happen to him if he fell, but then he called out, "I'm the king of the world!" at the top of his lungs, and every care I had drifted away. Our laughter collided and echoed around the valley, and it was as though we were the only two people in the world. It was grey and miserable, with light rain falling and gusts of winds blowing against our faces, that caused us squint our eyes and struggle for breath, but it was the happiest moment of my life. It was how I always wanted him to be, how I wanted  _us_  to be; free, with the world at our feet and a lifetime of possibilities ahead of us.

When we returned home later that morning, covered in bruises and mud, our hair soggy on our heads, Giuseppe was waiting at the table for us, belt in hand. The second the first lash fell upon Stefan's cheek, I realised what he had given me. He had risked his own neck that day, just to cheer me up and give me one moment of fun, and as Lily held me back from Stefan, in an attempt to protect me, I watched Giuseppe strike him over and over again, tears streaming down his face. That was when I realised that of all the people in the world Stefan was the only one that had ever shown me an ounce of true, selfless love. He was my brother in every which way, and even after the beating we received for our misconduct on Boxing Day morning that year, we still wound up in bed beside each other that night, huddled close and reflecting over the events of the day, that we would always remember. For Stefan it would be remembered as the first day he rode a bike, for me the day that my little brother sacrificed himself for my happiness and the first time I said the words 'I love you' to anyone.

* * *

 ****DAMON (flashback) _  
_  
I meet Stefan's eyes from across the table and a small smile reflective smile comes across my face. I wonder if he remembers that day as clearly as I do, or if he even knows how much his actions meant to me and still mean to me. I look over to Jeremy and Elena, and see Jeremy's hand resting on her leg, the two of them reflecting upon their own childhood memories that only siblings share and the annoyance that has been bubbling inside me all day at Caroline forcing me to attend this dinner fades away. This is what Christmas is all about, being around family and friends. Even if the relationships we share are twisted with the anguish and resentment from our past, we are still united and I know better than anyone that those bonds of family can never be broken. I've spent over a century attempting to sever my bond with Stefan, so that we could both have a fresh start, but no matter how hard I've tried, I seem to find my way back.

"Okay, everyone, listen up," Caroline says, "I know that most of you would rather be somewhere else.."

"I'll say," I say under my breath.

"...but we're all here together and I think that calls for a toast."

She reaches for her glass of champagne and raises it above the table, and everyone does the same.

"This is for the family and friends that couldn't be with us today, but mostly, this is for us. For all of us being here, together, alive, after everything we've been through. Cheers."

"Cheers!" everyone's voices call out in unison.

I clink glasses with everyone around me and I meet Stefan's eyes again. I know how much he hates me right now and usually the feeling would be mutual, but no matter how much I may or may not like it, he is always going to be in my life and for today at least, I'm glad, because he is the only remaining connection to my childhood. An unhappy childhood though it was, my fondest and happiest memories would not exist if it weren't for him. Having a little brother to share in my adventures and watch my back is what got me through my early life and even if I don't like to admit it, he is still what gets me through 164 years later.

* * *

** ELENA (AU) **

I tug the pajama top over Samson's head and then smooth his hair out with my fingers.

"Have you brushed your teeth?" I ask.

He nods and opens his mouth, so that I can smell his fresh minty breath. "Good boy. Now, come on, into bed," I say pulling back the covers.

He climbs in and I pull them up around his face and perch myself on the bed beside him, gazing down upon his face. He reminds me so much of Stefan with the same wild, sandy hair and handsome yet angelic smile. Though his eyes are darker than his father's, with flecks of dark brown surrounding the iris, they hold the same essence within them, that causes my heart to explode with unconditional love and adoration when they look upon me. I stroke my hand gently over his smooth, olive skin and trace my thumb over the small scar on his upper lip where he fell when he was 3 years old and bit himself, and he shuts his eyes and inhales softly, feeling comforted and safe to be so close to me.

"Did you have a good day?" I ask sweeping his hair back from his face.

He nods and exclaims enthusiastically, Yeah! I love my new bike, but I'm not very good at riding it. Uncle Damon says I need more practice to get better though."

"I'm sure you'll get better with his and dad's help. Let's have a look at your elbow."

I twist my head to look at the plaster on his elbow and I delicately pull it back to reveal a large graze.

"Does it hurt?" I ask tracing my finger over it.

"A little," he replies.

I lean down and kiss it lightly. "Is that better?"

He smiles and nods. "Thanks, mommy."

Even after 6 years I catch myself feeling surprised at how special and perfect my Sammy is. Since the moment I held him in my arms I loved him with a love so powerful and all consuming that it came to define my entire being and it still does. Being the mother to this most precious and sweet boy is the most important thing I will ever do or be. He is the center of my world and he always will be, and I never take a moment with him forgranted. I particularly treasure these moments now, when he is still lost in the naivety and innocence of being a child, where mommy's kiss makes everything better. I dread the day when it won't. I hold my hand over his chest and he reaches out and strokes the sparkling ring on my finger gently.

"Are you and dad going to be together forever? Because Luke's mom and dad got married last year and now his dad is moving out, because they don't love each other anymore. Will that happen with you and dad if you get married?"

His question takes me by surprise, but I answer with, "Your dad and me love each other more than you can imagine."

"But so did Luke's mom and dad."

"Sometimes when adults go through something hard together certain things change and they can...they can fall out of love with each other, but when that does happen it doesn't stop moms and dads from loving their children," I say, attempting to be honest, without revealing the true nature of the hardships of adult relationships, so as to keep his childish innocence intact for a while longer.

He nods and asks softly, "But...you and dad, you  _are_  still in love with each other?"

"We are. Me and your dad have been together for over 15 years and we've been through a lot of hard times together, but that didn't stop us from loving each other. If anything it only made us love each other more and that's why I'm marrying him. You see, I know that no matter how hard things get I will always love your dad and you, your dad and this little baby..." I rub my stomach, "...you're always going to be the most important thing in the world to me. Okay?"

He nods. "Okay."

"Am I too late for a goodnight kiss?" Stefan asks from the doorway, a smile on his face.

Sam shakes his head and Stefan walks over and bends down to kiss him on the head.

"Night, buddy."

"Goodnight, dad."

I smile down on him and kiss his head. "Goodnight, Sammy. I love you."

"I love you, too, mom."

Stefan and I leave the room, leaving the door ajar slightly and go to our bedroom, next door.

"What was all that about?" Stefan asks once the door is closed behind us. "I heard him talking about Laura and Brad, about their divorce."

I nod and say, "I think he's just worried that us getting married will change things. He hears all this stuff at school about parents splitting up and getting divorced and he doesn't understand why."

He nods and follows me into the en suite, where we brush our teeth and wash our faces, then we strip down and climb into bed. He shifts closer to me, so that I can feel his flesh on mine and reaches for my hand.

"So...are you afraid of that?"

"Afraid of what?" I ask, turning my head to face him.

"That us getting married will change things."

"Of course not. Stefan, I love you and nothing will ever change that. Besides, getting married will only make things better, not worse."

"Do you really believe that?"

"It's us, of course I do. Why? Are you having doubts? Are you regretting proposing?" I ask in a panic.

"No, no, no. Elena, you're everything to me and you've stuck by me when anyone else would've ran. I did so many things to push you away, to hurt you, but you...you never gave up on me."

I move in closer to him, wanting to comfort him.

"I just...I worry that I'm not good enough for you, for the kids. What if I relapse? What if I end up back in rehab? It's been going so well, it's only a matter of time before I fall off the bandwagon."

I reach for his face and say, "It won't happen, it won't. You're so strong, Stefan."

"Only because of you."

I shake my head. "No, you're strong, you just don't know it. And if you do relapse, I'll be there. I'd do it all again."

"It's different this time because of Samson, and the baby...it wouldn't just be you, it would be them that would be dragged down with me."

"Why are you saying all of this now?"

"Because you said yes to marrying me and I want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself in for. That you remember what can go wrong, how bad things can get with me."

I've always known that this side to Stefan exists, that he is as vulnerable as he is strong and that he has a lot of deep rooted anxiety and insecurity within him, but it still surprises me that after so many years he still has no clue how I feel about him. That he could believe for even one second that I would ever walk away from him, just proves that he has no idea of the complexity and depth of my love for him.

"Stefan, I have known you for 17 years, I know you better than anyone and trust me, I know how bad things can get, but I don't care. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and it's the most sure I've ever been of anything in my whole entire life," I say.

He turns away from me and his eyes fall down. I reach out for his face and make him meet my eyes. "How can you still not understand how much I love you? I've told you time and time again I will never leave you and I meant it. We've been through so much, Stefan and we've survived. Marriage won't change that, because it's me and you. Always. You, me, Samson, this baby, we're a family and we're meant to be together."

He closes his eyes and half shakes his head and I see a stray tear trickle down his cheek, then he leans in and kisses me. I chuckle in surprise.

"Now do you believe me?" I ask.

He nods and says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was being stupid and you're right."

I beam at him and pull him back in to resume the kiss.

"I can't wait to be Mrs Stefan Salvatore," I whisper against his mouth.

My words cause the passion in him to swell and his kiss becomes more frantic, as he runs his hand down to the small of my back and pulls me in closer. His tongue dances with mine and I can taste peppermint on his breath and smell the earth on his skin from where he played out in the garden with Samson on his bike earlier. Even after all these years I can't get enough of him and my mouth pulls away from his, as I go on to kiss his face and his neck and his chest. I climb on top of him, and he lets out a chuckle. He grazes the nape of my neck with his mouth and his breath tickles me, sending shivers up my spine and a small laugh escapes me. He then plants damp kisses from my shoulder all the way down my arms, before lifting up my left hand and kissing the ring on my finger. He beams up at me and I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his hair, wanting to become as one with him. He gently rolls me over back onto the mattress and places his knees at either side of me.

"You're so beaut-"

"No time for that," I say grabbing his neck and pulling him down to me.

He laughs and this time I don't start slowly and as my need for him fills me, I nibble at his bottom lip and massage his tongue with mine, hard and fast, until we're both gasping for air. I run my hands down his hard, toned chest and even at 34 years old he has a perfect physique, that makes my entire being burn with desire. He moves from my mouth and runs his tongue down my body, kissing my swollen stomach as he makes his way down. His skin is hot against mine and my body is already damp from sweat, as my body quivers underneath him. Every inch of my body that he touches, becomes etched for the millionth time with his name and I am completely his.

 _Always_.

I know him as well as a person can know another person. Every square inch of his body is carved into my mind, his soul connected to the very core of my being. He is my home, my heart and everything about him is completely familiar, yet each time we are together, it feels that it is the first time. Our breathing is ragged and heavy and the bed shakes underneath us from the uncontrollable shaking of our limbs. Our lips are moist, cheeks rosy red, brows damp with sweat and my thoughts are consumed with him, because he is all I could ever want or need.

And this is _...paradise._

As his head moves lower and lower, my fingers wind through his hair. He lightly kisses each of my thighs, before gently pushing them apart. He licks his fingers and meets my eyes, seduction and passion shining in them and I put my head back on the pillow and close my eyes, my legs already trembling with anticipation. He rubs in circular motions, gently at first and then more firmly. I feel as though I'm on fire and he slides a finger inside with ease, slowly twisting it around. After a few moments I feel a second finger and then a third and I let out a quiet moan under my breath. He kisses me and I feel his stubble rub against me, causing me to wiggle from the sensation. He grasps the side of my hips with his hands and his tongue begins to tease me as he continues to shift his fingers, picking up speed slightly. His tongue is warm and wet, and the feel of it combined with his touch causes my heart rate to pick up and my body to relax into him.

I grind against his mouth, so as to feel his tongue all over me and as the pleasure starts to increase I move faster against him. I attempt to fight off the burst of pleasure for as long as possible, but find myself giving into my need for him as I press against him harder, encouraging him to pick up speed. He knows my cues well enough and gives me exactly what I want, his fingers moving inside me rapidly, his tongue dashing in all directions, the pressure of it against me increasing.

I thrust up into him and my thighs clench around his head, but just as I reach the brink I push his head away and close my legs. I sit up and reach for his face, pulling him to me, needing to see his eyes. They're vividly intense and despite the lines that are indented at the corners from 34 years of smiles, they glow with a youthful energy and passion. I feel his hardness against my leg and know he is burning with the same sexual hunger that I am. I turn onto my side and grab him, placing my hands on his buttocks and pulling him closer, until I can feel him digging into my back. He kisses my jaw line and then rests his face in the nape of my neck, before parting my legs slightly and entering me from behind.

I lift my hand up and reach back, grabbing onto his hair tightly and tugging it to pull his face ever closer. I twist my head and kiss him and then his eyes open to meet mine. He rotates his hips and pulls in and out, whilst I continue to stare into his eyes. He looks at me in the same way I look at him; as though I am the only person in the world and it truly does feel that way, for in this moment only we exist. Me and him, him and me, as we become one in the purest and most intimate way imaginable.

Low, deep grunts come from deep in his throat and they cause the hunger in me to expand. I thrust back against him and he reaches his hand around, reaching for me and resuming what he started. I face away from him now and rest my head on the pillow, closing my eyes and lingering in the waves of pleasure shooting through my body. I feel it growing and growing and growing, then it dips, then it grows again for just a moment, before dipping once again and then it grows and remains steady, before falling away again, always leaving me desperate for more.

His hand shifts and hits a delicate spot, that causes me to gasp out loud and my body to jerk suddenly. I feel him smile against my neck and his fingers remain in that spot, massaging, growing harder and harder, faster and faster. I grind on him forcefully, raspy moans filling the room, as I begin to lose all self-control. As my pleasure increases so does his, and he grows more frantic with his movements. I feel his clenched teeth pressed against my ear, his groaning tickling my ear drum. He fingers all of a sudden grow frantic and he fills me, pushing deeper and deeper.

I feel the urge overtaking me, a feeling of euphoria growing within me as my spine goes rigid and my thighs tense with the mind blowing pleasure that threatens to destroy my body but then...

I feel movements inside me and I know that Stefan feels it, because he slows down almost to a halt.

The baby.

"No...no...don't stop...don't..." I say breathlessly.

He hesitates for a moment and so I pull his hand, placing it back to it's position. He resumes with even more fervor and passion, and it is less than a minute before Stefan's hand is over my mouth attempting to drown out the sounds of my screams, as my body writhes and squirms in intense euphoria that electrifies every nerve ending in my body.

It takes me a few minutes to catch my breath and when I do I roll over and take him into my mouth, hunger still within me and a desperate need for him to experience what I just have. I slide my hand up and down his length, rolling my tongue over his tip and taking him deep into my mouth and it is only seconds before I feel his thighs harden and then his back suddenly jerk, as he groans loudly.

I lift up my head and crawl up the bed and flop down beside him. We're both spent and panting with exhaustion. My legs are numb and the rest of my body is still tingling. I place my hand on his chest that is wet with beads of sweat, his face red and his eyes are closed, his teeth exposed in a huge toothy grin. He chuckles and then opens his eyes to look at me. I laugh, too and he rolls over and places his hand on my face, before kissing my nose lightly, then looking down at my stomach.

"The baby?" he asks, still out of breath.

"I think all the excitement woke him up," I reply, placing my hand on my stomach that is rippling with movement.

He places his hand on top of mine and then meets my eyes again. We both let out a chuckle of glee and I drape my hand across his neck.

"I love you," he says sweeping the hair that is stuck to my forehead with sweat off my face.

"Always," I say, moving into him and resting my head on his chest.

* * *

 **ELENA (present day) _  
_**  
Everyone's mood lifts after Caroline's toast, which seemed to remind us all of the importance of being together. Caroline, Bonnie and I wash the dishes, whilst the guys sit in the living room and make small talk over drinks. Jeremy whacks out his PlayStation and the five of them indulge in competitive play, which completely distracts them all from the fact that most of them largely dislike each other. When I'm tired of washing dishes I use the excuse of needing to pee and wander off to the bathroom. When I get upstairs and am just about to walk into the bathroom, I bump right into someone.

"Oh, sorry," I call out.

My heart catches in my throat, when I look up to see Stefan's face.

"Sorry," I say again.

"No, it's...it's fine."

I move aside, but he moves in the same direction.

"Sorry," we both say in unison.

I move back to the left, and he does too. Eventually we both stop in the middle of the room, laughing and I tell him I'll go to the right. He moves past me and takes off down the hall towards the stairs. I take a few steps towards the bathroom but then turn back, unable to let him go, as always.

"Stefan..."

"Yeah?" he says twisting back to me, his hand on the banister.

"How...how are you? I mean...after last night...?"

He sighs and I can sense that he feels awkward. "I'm okay."

Even now I can sense when he's lying. I still want to be the one he trusts most, the one he bears his soul to and comes to when he's in turmoil and I hate that he's putting up a wall.

"I know what you get like when you feed, how hard it is to...adjust afterwards."

He shakes his head and says, "I'm...I'm a little jittery, but I'm doing okay."

"What happened?" I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.

I still don't know anything that happened, all I know is that Stefan turned up at the Boarding House, disheveled, covered in blood and full of rage and I want to know why, even if I have no right to ask.

"Rebekah."

I scowl. "I should've known. I knew we shouldn't have let you do this to get the dagger off her. She doesn't care about anyone or anything but herself."

"No one, let me, Elena. I did it by choice and I knew what I was getting myself in for."

I nod. "So...she...she forced you to feed?"

"She gave me the opportunity and she knew I'd take it."

"But you...you stopped?"

"I stopped and then I left."

He stares at me expectantly, because he knows I have more to say and what I'm about to ask is something I've wanted to ask for a long time, but haven't known how.

"Stefan...with everything that has happened...why haven't you turned it off?"

He sighs deeply and rolls his tongue over his teeth before replying with, "It's easy to turn off your humanity, but as easy as it is to turn it off it's a million times harder to turn it back on. Last time I turned it off...I fought so hard to find myself again, and by the time I had I'd already lost everything...everything I ever cared about."

His intense eyes meet mine and I instinctively step closer to him. He shakes his head and shifts on his feet uncomfortably. "I...I can't be that person. I'd rather suffer through the agonizing pain of losing you, than risk losing myself again, because if I turned it off now...I don't think I'd ever be able to find my way back."

I look down at the ground and nod. I understand and although I can't tell him, I'm so proud of him for fighting that part of himself. I know more than ever now that I'm a vampire how hard the darkness can be to overcome.

"I know this probably won't mean much coming from me, but...I will always be here for you, Stefan. I need you to know that."

He nods. "I do. I know that."

A small smiles comes across his face and I return it with sincerity and warmth, and then he takes off down the stairs and I go to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I lean against the door and inhale deeply. My body is shaking, my heart is rapidly beating in my chest and all I want to do is to throw the door open, yell his name, jump into his arms and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for the thousandth time.

I look across my room and see the photograph of Stefan and I from the football match not long after we first met; him in his football jersey, me in my cheer leading uniform. We look like any other normal, happy teenage couple in the first flurries of a newly discovered love. I wish more than anything that that picture was a true reflection of reality, but it's not. I wander over to it and pick it up from the nightstand, stroking my finger over his face. I then clutch it to my chest and flop down onto the bed sighing deeply.

Mom was always the one I turned to when I needed advice, when I needed someone to remind me how to follow my heart, and if she were still alive part of me thinks that I never would've broken up with Stefan. That thought causes my body to ache with how much I miss her.

"Oh, mom...how did I mess up so badly?" I ask, looking up at the ceiling with a deep mournful sigh.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon struggles with his ever growing feelings for Elena and decides to confront her about it. Elena is more conflicted than ever about who she wants, but finds comfort and guidance in her diary. Meanwhile, Stefan reflects on what finding the cure will mean for him, Elena and Damon.

** DAMON **

I spend the night tossing and turning, Stefan and Elena's conversation playing in my head on repeat.

"I need you to know that I'll always be there for you."

"I do. I know that."

I bite so hard on my lip that it starts to bleed and throw the covers back letting out an agitated groan. I'm hot and bothered, my head churning with a million thoughts and emotions. I've been such a fool. I thought when Elena broke up with Stefan and came to my bed that that would mean she was finally mine, but I'm already starting to return to reality as I realise she will  _never_  be mine. Even now when her relationship with Stefan is the lowest it could possibly be, the two of them always seem to gravitate back to each other, like magnets; always finding some excuse to speak or stand beside each other, desperate to be close in any way they can find.

The reminiscent and pleasant memories from mine and Stefan's childhood that brought the fondness for my brother to the surface has long since passed, and the resentment has returned. Despite Elena always having been with Stefan, part of me always feels that  _he_ is the one stealing her from  _me,_ not the other way round. I'm almost beginning to wonder if this is my sole purpose in life; to be in constant competition with my brother. It seems that everyone I have ever loved has always loved him above me; my father, my mother, Katherine, Elena. I'm never anybody's first choice because I'm always in Stefan's shadow.

It's universally known than younger siblings admire their older siblings, but for us, it's always been the opposite. Since the day that Stefan started to walk I admired him and wished to be like him. There was something pure and kind in him that made it impossible not to love him. He would always share his toys, give me the last bite of his dinner, remove his coat from his back and drape it around my shoulders to keep me warm. Always giving, always more concerned with others than himself. Even now he is the same and I envy that, I envy that  _so_  much, because as hard as I try, I can't do the same. There's this natural instinct that drives me, and it's the instinct to protect myself, to put myself first. Stefan would probably put it down to the hurt I've suffered in the past, that I've built these walls and learned to put myself first as a way to avoid getting hurt again, and maybe he's right, but personally, I just think it's who I am.

I'm capable of love, of selflessness and compassion, but it does not come naturally to me and it never has. When I see a stranger walking down the street, the first thing I see is a living, breathing food source, made for me to feast upon. They mean nothing to me, they're just an anonymous face in a sea of people and I fail to recognise the significance of that human life, which is what makes it so easy for me to take that life. That kind of selfishness is the kind that I scarcely realise I'm committing, but with those I love it's different. I've intentionally and unintentionally hurt Stefan and Elena more times than I can count. When I forced fed Elena my blood, I did it because I couldn't imagine a world without her in it, because I wouldn't have survived if she had died. It was one of the most selfish things I'd ever done, but I did it because I loved her. Because I loved her  _too_  much. And I still do.

Since finding out about the sire bond it has taken every ounce of strength I have inside to fight the temptation to use it to be close with her. To know that with one sentence, one word, I could have her back in my bed again...it kills me. And when I see the tormented longing and passion in her eyes when she looks at Stefan or hear the accelerated beat of her heart when he's near her, it makes it even harder to fight.

Just over 24 hours ago she stood before us and vowed that once we had found the cure she would walk away from both Stefan and I, but my gut tells me that when the time comes she won't be able to drag herself away from Stefan. If there was ever anything that would damage Stefan and Elena's relationship beyond repair it would be Elena and I sleeping together, but now...I'm not so sure.

When Stefan left town with Klaus to save my life, his relationship with Elena suffered more than it ever had, and in those months that he was gone I saw her feelings for me change into something different, even though her love for him never faded. However, as time passed Stefan grew further away from us, fell deeper, and the night that he threatened to drive her off Wickery Bridge I was sure that everything they had was destroyed, and for the first time she trusted me and relied on me over him. That is when I started to believe that what we had might be enough for her and I to finally be together, for her to choose me over Stefan, but I was wrong. They beat the odds and completely surpassed my expectations, because after all that, they  _still_  found their way back to each other. That phone call with Elena, just before she died is the moment I understood just how much she loved him. I had stood by her for endless months, devoting myself to keeping her safe, whilst Stefan taunted her and caused her distress at every turn, but  _still_  it wasn't enough for her to love me more than him. After that I lost all hope of us ever being together and her words "I love Stefan, it's always going to be Stefan", came through loud and clear.

It was always going to be him, and it was never going to be me. A small part of me was naive enough to believe that had changed. When she broke up with him because of me, when her eyes met mine, shining with a desire I'd never seen in them before and when she kissed me with a passionate hunger, that left me breathless...I truly believed that maybe she finally felt for me the way I did for her, but all I'm left with now is bitter disappointment and an aching pit in my stomach. I still yearn to be near her, to make her mine and with each passing day ignoring that desperate need grows more difficult.

I only realise what time it is when the birds outside begin to chirp. I wander over to the window and see that dawn is just about to break and I sigh deeply. A new day, filled with the same old crap. Today is the day that we kill Kol, that we finally get one step closer to finding the cure and it's about goddamn time. I'm burning with impatience and the longer the sire bond is in place the more I feel my resolve decrease, the more I wonder why I'm doing this. Why am I helping to find a cure for Elena when the her taking it will likely result in destroying my life? Her being human again will inevitably mean that one day I will have to watch her die and the chances of Stefan's arms being the ones she dies in instead of mine are exceptionally higher. Not only will I lose her to death, but I will lose her to my brother...again.

I hear footsteps from across the hall and wander over to Stefan's bedroom.

"Have you ever heard of knocking?" he says when I step through the door.

He's sat at his desk, leaning over his journal.

"Someone's cranky this morning. What mushy crap are you writing about this time?"

I speed over to him, but he hastily slams the journal shut and stands up from his seat defensively.

"What do you want, Damon?"

I can tell from his clenched jaw, tensed biceps and irritable mood, that he's still attempting to adjust from feeding two days ago.

I eye him, step back and ask, "Are you sure you can do this today?"

"Do what?" he snaps.

"Help Bonnie and Caroline with Klaus and Rebekah. You don't seem..."

"I'm fine."

I nod. "Sure you are. Look, Stef, if you're going to fall apart I need to know. Today is our one and only shot at doing this, if you mess it up-"

"I won't," he insists.

"Just don't mess it up," I reiterate.

"I won't," he repeats through gritted teeth.

I know I shouldn't risk agitating him even more, but I can't resist as I say, "Yesterday's dinner went...better than expected."

He gives an uninterested nod.

"Elena seemed...upbeat."

"I guess," he replies.

"Thought she might be a bit more upset about our conversation the night before, but whatever..."

He sighs and rubs his brow with his fingers. "Just say what you want to say, Damon."

"I heard the two of you talking."

He shrugs. "And?"

"And? You know as well as I do that she's not walking away once we find the cure."

"What's the matter, Damon? Are you finally realising that when Elena is human the sire bond will be gone and she'll go right back to not giving a damn about you?"

"Ooh, harsh," I say, pretending that his words didn't just feel like a knife to the gut. I already regret my words, because I've revealed my insecurity to him and so I backtrack and change the subject. "What time do you need to be at Klaus'?"

"Caroline's gonna text when they need me."

I nod and turn to leave the room.

"Hey, Damon? Don't  _you_  do anything to mess this up, because you were right. Today  _is_  our only shot at killing Kol and if anything goes wrong it won't just be the end of our search for the cure, it will be the end of all of us."

* * *

** ELENA **

_Dear Diary,_

_Today is the day that we kill Kol. I know I should be scared, there are so many things that could go wrong, but I'm not. I'm more determined than ever to find the cure and this is what needs to be done. Christmas dinner yesterday went better than I thought it would. Caroline was her usual bossy self and nobody really wanted to be there, but we all faked smiles and made a toast and I think by the end of the day we'd stopped faking, for the most part._

_I'm worried about Stefan. I know he tries so hard to be strong, to pretend that everything is fine, but I know it's not and even though I should be focused on our plan to kill Kol, I can't seem to get Stefan out of my mind. I don't know what it is about him that I think about, I think it's everything. My being is generally filled with him every moment of everyday. I try to forget and I try to pretend, I really do, but I'm not as good at it as he is. I can't forget about what I've done to him, I can't pretend not to care, I just can't. I told him and Damon that I would walk away when we found the cure, because I know it's what I should do, but the thought of it..._ _I can't imagine my life without either Stefan or Damon, but to leave them behind like this, when our relationships are in tatters, when all we will have to remember is the pain and the grief that we suffered at the end..._

_Part of me wishes that I could forget, I mean **really**  forget everything. To forget Stefan, to forget Damon and everything that has happened since I met them, but the other part wants to hold onto every single moment since they walked into my life, because despite everything meeting them has changed me. I'm not sure if they've changed me in a good or bad way yet, all I know is that when someone that important walks into your life you shouldn't just let them go. Stefan is the one that taught me that more than anyone. No matter how bad things got, neither one of us gave up and despite us both pretending otherwise, I don't believe this time will be any different. Or maybe I hope it won't be._

_He's so strong, stronger than anyone gives him credit for and I know his strength better than anyone. I know how selfless his love is, he would give his life just to keep the people he loves safe and happy, and if I ask him to let me go, he will and that's what scares me, because I think deep down I don't **want**  him to. I've done everything possible to destroy his love for me and to turn it into hatred, and I have no right to ask anything of him with what I've done. I certainly don't have the right to ask him for a second chance, but this is a test. If he sees a future for us, if he can find it in his heart to forgive me...he won't let me just walk away._

_It's almost 11am, I should go in the shower, Damon will be here soon._

_Damon...oh, Damon._

_Unlike Stefan I know he will refuse to let me walk away. He loves in such a different way to Stefan, that sometimes it's hard to believe that they're brothers. It's strange, you can't have one without the other. There's no Damon without Stefan and there's no Stefan without Damon, but in my mind and in my heart they are completely separate._ _I'm still filled with doubts about Damon, about my feelings for him. Before the sire bond I was confident in my feelings for him, so confident that I broke up with Stefan because of it, but since the sire bond I don't know what to trust._

_There have been brief moments when I have pondered on the night we spent together, and just thinking of it still causes my heart to palpitate with nervousness. I don't know if it's nervous anxiety or excitement, but whatever it is, it peaks my curiosity._

_In some ways I know Damon as well as I know Stefan, but Damon is the unknown, he's a risk. Stefan is my safety, the one thing I have always been sure of. Becoming a vampire gave me the confidence to take that risk and indulge in being with Damon, but what if that's all it is? What if the appeal with Damon lies solely in the thrill of what we could be and what if the reality is far from what I want or expect?_

_No matter how hard I try I can't seem to imagine what it would like to be with Damon, not just because we've never been together, but because I don't know what it will mean for Stefan and I. When Stefan and I were together Damon was still in my life, and no matter how much it might hurt Damon if Stefan and I got back together one day in the future, I still believe that he will be there. But if Damon and I are together, I don't have the same confidence that Stefan will stick around and I can't bear that._

_Even now with the ill feeling between us, I find myself waiting for the moments that I'm with Stefan, because they are what get me through. If he were gone...I don't... I don't know...I just don't know, but I wish I did._

My bedroom door knocks then, causing me to jump up and I hastily throw the journal under my pillow out of sight. Jeremy's face appears in the crack of the door.

"Hey," I say with a smile.

"Hey. Just wanted to tell you that I'm heading out."

"Heading out? But Damon will be here soon, we need to get everything ready."

"Don't worry, I'll be back in time. I'm just meeting Bonnie for a coffee."

"Again?" I question. Lately it seems that every spare moment he gets, he is with Bonnie. I don't mind, but on a day like today I would expect him to be too distracted to focus on anything or anyone else.

"Yeah. Why is that a problem?" he asks, his eyebrows raised.

"No, of course not, Jer. Just make sure you're back for 1."

He nods and replies with, "I will. See you later. Oh and by the way, Damon's already here."

"What?"

"Yeah, he's downstairs."

I get up and follow Jeremy downstairs, to find Damon waiting at the kitchen table.

"I'll see you two later," Jeremy says before closing the front door behind him.

I walk over to the table and say, "You're early," to which he replies, "That's clear from the pj's."

I sit down opposite him and immediately know that he's here to talk about the very thing I'd just been writing about in my journal. I wish he would choose another day to have this conversation, but in our lives there's never a right time and I know he needs this. To be honest, so do I.

"So...what's up?" I ask.

He shifts in his seat and then meets my eyes. "Apart from you saying that when this is all over you're going to walk away, nothing."

I sigh deeply. "Damon...I'm trying to do what's best."

"Not having you in my life isn't for the best. It never will be."

"I think you're wrong."

He shakes his head. "You've walked away from me more than once, but can you really walk away from Stefan?"

"I...I..." I stammer.

"I heard you talking to him yesterday, and I've seen the way you look at him. Stefan might not see it, but I do and I...I just need to know the deal. I just need to know...", he moves forward and rests his elbows on his knees, looking me straight in the eye, "...is there even the smallest chance that once we've found the cure and you're human again that you will want to be with me?"

I keep my eyes fixated on the floor and he says, "Look at me, Elena."

I meet his eyes as he asks and I feel the tears stinging my eyes. "You know how I feel about you..."

"No! No, I don't!" he exclaims throwing his chair to the ground in an unexpected fit of rage. "I'm so sick of this, Elena. I'm so sick of waiting for you to make your mind up, to decide whether or not it's me that you love. Even when you say you're going to walk away, I don't believe you and I...I can't keep waiting around if it's for nothing. I'm going crazy! I've tried to be the better man, I've tried to be patient and understanding, but  _I'm not Stefan_  and you need to decide once and for all. If you're going to walk away, do it and if you're not I deserve to know and so does Stefan."

"Don't you think I know that?" I say, getting to my feet. "Do you think I like doing this? Hurting you and Stefan. I don't, I hate it and it kills me. But how can I choose when I don't even know what I want?"

"Well you need to figure it out, because if you don't...you're going to lose us both."

My heart contracts at the thought, but I swallow the lump in my throat and respond with, "Good! I deserve it. You should both get as far away from me as possible, because all I do is hurt you. So, just do it, Damon. Even if I won't, you can. Just give up on me and let me go."

"I can't, Elena, you know I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I love you!" he exclaims his hands in the air. He sighs softly and a solemn look comes across his face. "I've tried not to, believe me. Since the moment I felt myself falling from you, I've tried to stop it, to kill it, because I knew it was wrong, but I will never stop loving you."

I know how much he loves me, I've always known, but no matter how many times I hear him say it, it still renders me speechless, because how can he? How can he love someone as selfish and conceited as me?

"I don't deserve it," I say quietly, my eyes on the floor. "You should love someone stronger than me, someone that can give you what you need, someone that-"

All of a sudden his lips are on mine, abruptly cutting off the words I was about to say. My body goes stiff with shock, my arms remain by my side, and I don't make any attempt to return his kiss, but I don't push him away either. I close my eyes and feel his hands on my face, feel his soft lips on mine, strong and firm. After a few moments he pulls away and his eyes are intense and troubled.

"I'm sorry," I say, my voice barely a whisper. And I  _am_  sorry. I'm sorry for hurting him, I'm sorry for leading him on, I'm sorry for never being able to give him what he wants, but mostly I'm sorry that I don't love him the way that he loves me.

He steps away from me and inhales deeply, shaking his head. "You might not know what you want, Elena, but I do. I'll find this cure for you, I'll break the sire bond and give you back your life, but until I hear you tell me that you don't want me and that there's no chance for us, I won't give up."

"Damon..."

"I think everything's been said. I'll be back later to sort everything with you and Jeremy, like we planned," he says heading towards the front door.

"Damon..." I say again, but he ignores me and continues towards the door.

"See you, Elena," he calls, before disappearing out of the door.

A shuddered exhalation escapes me, and I double over attempting to catch my breath.

_What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?_

* * *

** STEFAN **

_Dear diary,_

_The day that we've been preparing for is finally here. Everything has been leading to this day. Today we kill Kol and finally set on the path to find the cure. There's a pit of anxiety in my stomach that I haven't been able to shake off since last night and my body is still trembling with the hunger I'm attempting to suppress, making me feel irritable and impatient._

_I will be playing a part in trapping Klaus and Rebekah at their house later on today, and despite all of the awful and unforgivable things they have done, I feel guilty. Call it compassion if you like, but personally, I think it's just that I have seen first hand the good in both of them, especially Rebekah._ _I see so much of myself in her; a young girl, robbed of her humanity, lost to the blood, that wants nothing more than to be human and to be loved, and clings to the dysfunctional relationship she has with her brother, because he is the only person in the world that she truly has. So few vampires share that same desire of a human, but she does and even after all of the unthinkable acts she's committed I think she deserves it. I even believe that if I ever had the chance I would deliver the cure to her myself, so that she too could have that second chance, like Elena will, but instead I'm going to ruin her with my betrayal. When she looks me in the eyes and knows what I have done she will be enraged and will grow even more distrusting and suspicious, which will push her further away from her humanity and from being the person she wants to be, someone like Matt. Even her attraction to him can be explained in the same way that my love for Elena can. We see in them the human compassion, innocence and goodness that we ourselves wish we had. They are the embodiment of everything we want to be but never can be._

_I've betrayed Rebekah so many times, but it still doesn't come easy and it will be a challenge that I'd rather not face, but I will do it, for Elena. Since the second I found out about the cure, everything I've done is for her, but lately I've come to realise that perhaps I'm doing it for myself as much as I am for her. When I met Lexi, she brought me back to my humanity, taught me a different way to live as a vampire and from that day forward I have loathed what I am and desired for nothing more than to be human. It's something I thought to be impossible but now...it's **possible**. I've always known what finding the cure would mean for Elena, but I'd not once thought about what it would mean for me. I think the thought probably crossed my mind the moment Klaus and Rebekah told me that a cure existed, but I've never truly allowed myself to ponder on it until now._

_As a vampire the future is something I'd never really cared for, after all, the future has no meaning when you're going to live forever. When I met Elena that changed, because I had someone in my life that mattered, **really**  mattered, and she was human, which meant that one day our time together would come to an inevitable end. That fact meant that the future was something that I thought about for the first time. I never contemplated turning her, it was the very thing I wanted to protect her from, even if that meant losing her, because I would rather her have lived and grow old without me, than to remain eternally youthful and by my side, but full of regret and anger like I am. In those moments when our future together was briefly brushed upon, I never once told her about how much I wished things could be different. That I wished with all of my being that I could be human, so that she and I could build a home together, have children together, grow old together and die together. I wanted to share every part of myself and my life with her, to fulfill my dreams of having a family with the woman I loved. I never said it, because of the pain it would cause us both to be reminded that that could never happen. _ _Even though I knew Elena would one day die and leave me behind, she was still my future, and without her, I would have gone on living each day, but life would have ceased to having meaning and the future would have gone back to being nothing more than tomorrow._

_That's what has already happened. Since the day she broke up with me, I've been taking each day as it comes, clinging to hope that one day somehow we will find our way back to each other and I will once again have a future. But the cure somehow changes that, because before Elena even existed, this is all I have ever wanted and even if Elena isn't in my life, being human...it would mean **everything**  to me. Just to be able to live my life without constantly battling with the Ripper within me, would change my life completely. But as exciting as the possibility of being human again, it's also terrifying, because I have no idea what my life looks like if I'm not a vampire. Despite never being comfortable in my own skin, I've still been a vampire for over a century, it's almost all I've ever known. What if the idea of being human is nothing more than a glorified image in my head and the reality is a disappointment? And what about Damon? He would be disgusted if he even knew that I was contemplating taking the cure. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he wouldn't take it with me, so what does that mean for us? Could the cure finally be what separates us from each other? I don't know._

My phone starts ringing and I discard my pen and reach for it, expecting it to be Caroline. "Caroline, hey, I..."

"No...it's...it's Elena," Elena's voice replies down the phone, causing my heart to leap in my chest.

"Oh, Elena, hey. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just...I was wondering if Damon was with you."

I instantly can sense that she's upset from the tone of her voice, but I don't comment on it and simply reply with, "No, he left to go to yours, said he wanted to get a head start. Isn't he with you yet?"

"No. I mean...he was but he...he left."

Now I know why she's upset. "Well, I'm sure he'll be back. He won't abandon the plan, he knows how important it is."

"No, yeah, of course, you're right."

I can sense that she wants me to comfort her and it usually comes naturally, but it doesn't anymore and especially when the reason she is upset is Damon.

I sigh and say, "Look, Elena, whatever's happened, just focus on killing Kol. Damon's Damon, he'll go and sulk and he'll come back when he's ready. Everything's going to be okay."

She sniffles down the phone. "Yeah," she starts, her voice wobbly. She clears her throat and tries again. "You're still coming over later, right?"

"Of course. Don't think we'd abandon you, do you?"

"Of course not," she says, with a light laugh, "I just meant..."

Her voice trails off and whatever she was going to say she decides against, and even over the phone I can sense her nervousness, how unsure she is. Even without seeing her I know that her eyebrow is probably frantically twitching, just as it always does when she's anxious about something.

"Well, I'll see you later then," I say. "And remember what I said, everything's going to be fine."

"I know. Thanks, Stefan."

* * *

** ELENA **

I end the call, let out a deep breath and curse myself. Why, why, why did I call him? I ended our relationship and that means that I no longer have the right to run to him whenever I need support or comfort. The problem is that it's not something I consciously do, it's a natural instinct. My phone found it's way into my hand and before I even realised that I was dialing Stefan's number, I heard his voice at the other end of the phone. Stefan is the only one that makes everything better, because he's the only one that understands, and even with how uncomfortably awkward things have become between us, just hearing the sound of his voice has calmed the churning in my stomach that Damon stirred up.

In a few hours time we will be faced with one of the most powerful vampires of all time and my 16 year old brother will be faced with the task of killing him.  _That_  is what I should be focusing on, on making sure he is safe and that everything goes to plan, but instead I can't seem to get mine and Damon's conversation out of my head. Everything he said was true. When I told him and Stefan that I would leave them both behind I was kidding myself. I said that because I knew it was the right thing to say, because I didn't know what else to say and to avoid having to make a choice between them  _again_ , but now I'm starting to realise that there's no escaping this. Sure, I could take the cure and skip town with Jeremy, leave behind the unbearable baggage that we have had offloaded on us over the last couple of years, escape the constant reminders of mom, dad, Jenna and Ric. We could both start a fresh, somewhere else, where we could both have the chance to be new, better versions of ourselves, but I don't think I  _want_  that, because in spite all of the trauma and grief I've suffered since living in this town and in this house, it's still my life and part of who I am, and so are Damon and Stefan. Running away from that, from  _them_ , would be cowardly and weak and I can't be that person.

I flop down onto my bed, bouncing off the mattress as I do and I slide my hand under the pillow to retrieve my journal. I lie back and begin flipping through the pages filled with the memories, emotions and events that have taken place this last year. I read through passages from the days after my parents death, filled with the raw emotions of an orphan girl, attempting to deal with the crippling loss of both her parents; the first few weeks when I met Stefan, that glimmer of new found hope for the future that his love awakened in me; the shock of finding out that I was adopted, along with the day that I met Isobel and watched her burst to flames; the fear of being hunted by the strongest, oldest vampire in existence; the devastation at the prospect of becoming a vampire after Damon forced his blood down my throat; the grief of losing Jenna; the unbearable struggle of being separated from Stefan when he left with Klaus, the determination to bring him home, the heart-wrenching pain of watching him fight with all his strength against Klaus only to have his humanity ripped away from him by force; the rage and disbelief from the night Stefan threatened to drive me off Wickery Bridge, the conflict and guilt from when Damon first kissed me, along with the night we spent in the motel when I gave into my attraction for him; the night that Stefan and I danced together and I realised that I still loved him with all my heart. It's all here. Every significant moment that I have experienced over the last 18 months is contained in this one book.

As I continue to read, it becomes more clear that the girl that wrote this has been since become tainted by vampirisim. Despite being older than I've ever been, the girl that wrote this is wiser than I am, stronger, too. She had  _hope_  and  _fight_  within her. She stood by what she believed was right, was dedicated to the people she loved and valued her humanity and compassion above all else.  _This_  is who I was before I lost myself in the thick fog of grief and pain, compromised my integrity for the blood and selfishly started running from the people I love so as to avoid anymore pain. I've been so concerned with surviving the transition, the Hunter's curse and my break up with Stefan that I've been blind to the fact that the Elena I was has died.

I cling to every word that is written on the pages, carry myself through time to the moment that these events occurred and re-live every emotion as though it were only yesterday, and that's when I realise that I've not been avoiding making a choice between Stefan and Damon because of the uncertainty of my feelings for them, all this time I've been avoiding  _myself_. I've acknowledged that becoming a vampire has changed me before now, but reading these journal entries is the first time that I really  _see_  it and it's so overwhelming that I can't stop the tears that flow down my cheeks. They fall onto the pages of the journal, causing the blue ink to smear and I continue to stare at the words, through my blurry, tear filled eyes.

I've been making excuses about why I can't choose between Damon and Stefan, because somewhere deep inside I've been living in the hope that the cure will miraculously return me to who I was, to the girl that is confident and sure about who she wants to be with. But what if it doesn't? No, I can't expect one magical cure for vampirism to fix me, I need to fix myself. Somewhere inside the girl that wrote this exists and I will find her again. It's necessary if I ever expect to be able to confidently look in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me, instead of being filled with shame and disgust, just as it is necessary if I ever expect to be with the person I love.

No more running, no more hiding, no more making excuses, no more. I'm going to take a leaf out of the old Elena's book and I'm going to be strong. I'm going to  _fight_.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan finally comes together as the group implement their plan to take down the Originals in order to get the map to the cure.

** STEFAN **

I look up at Klaus' house and take a deep breath.  _This is it_. When I step through that door there's no turning back. I can hear Caroline and Klaus' voices coming from inside. You'd think by now that Klaus would've have learned that Caroline only voluntarily visits him to be a distraction when we're implementing a plan. He probably does know, but I don't think he cares. Everyone has a weakness and Caroline is Klaus', just as Elena is mine.

I walk up the steps, through the front door and head to the living room where Caroline and Klaus are sat. They're facing each other, their eyes fixed on each other's faces as though they're the only two people in the world. I don't know if Caroline is just that good of an actor, or if there's more to her feelings for Klaus than she lets on, but she appears to be engrossed in him and doesn't seem to notice me.

"Ah, Stefan," Klaus says turning from Caroline to me as I step into the room. "I didn't know to expect you. I can only assume you're here to provide me with some news about our Hunter."

I nod. "We're making progress. He's killed 10 vampires in the last couple of days and the mark grows everyday," I lie.

"Well I'd very much like to handle things with the Hunter myself from here on out."

I shake my head and say, "The deal was that you handle Shane and we handle Jeremy."

"But you see, centuries of experience has taught me that the only person I can trust is myself. I would feel a lot more confident if I was over seeing things."

"If that's what you want..."

"It is," he replies.

"Is Rebekah here? I'd like to speak with her."

A smirk comes across Klaus' face and he calls out Rebekah's name. She appears as though from no where taking me by surprise.

"Didn't think I'd see you so soon given the way our last encounter went," she says.

I feel my pulse start to race at seeing her. We're getting closer now. In a few moments it will begin... Klaus turns back to Caroline and they continue their conversation. I notice the nervousness in Caroline's eyes now, and find myself wavering. Klaus is highly intelligent and cunning, can he really not sense what is going to happen next?

Rebekah steps closer to me and runs her hand up my arm and over my chest. "So, here to finish what we started the other day?" she asks with a seductive smile.

I look Rebekah in the eye, but all I seem to be able to focus on is the sound of Bonnie's creeping footsteps coming from around the corner. I can sense her growing closer and my breathing grows heavy with anticipation and fear. This seems too easy. What if we've underestimated Klaus and Rebekah? What if the plan fails? It will only take a second for the two of them to rip our heads off our shoulders. I keep my eyes fixed on Rebekah's and see her brow furrow slightly in confusion. She can sense my anxiety and she knows something isn't right. I hear the beginnings of Bonnie's chant, that start out as nothing more than a whisper and I continue to hold Rebekah's gaze.

"I'm sorry, Rebekah," I say quietly.

A look of realistation comes across her face as Bonnie's voice grows louder and she appears from around the corner. Rebekah's body contracts and she starts towards me, a growl escaping her, but before any harm can befall me Caroline's body crashes into mine throwing me forcefully out of the room and into the corridor where Bonnie stands. Klaus and Rebekah throw themselves at the doorway in an attempt to reach us, but each time they do they hit the transparent barrier that has already began to take shape as a result of Bonnie's spell. She continues to chant and I can't seem to take my eyes off Rebekah's face, so full of fury and hatred, but I also see a hint pain in her eyes that exists as a result of my betrayal. Klaus' yells of rage vibrate off my ear drums and when I look to him, veins are protruding out of his head and neck from the uncontrollable anger that is exploding out of him.

"What is the meaning of this?!" he screams. "Let me out! Let me out! I will kill you for this! I will kill you all! I will make you suffer a thousand fold!"

Bonnie's voice trails off as the spell is complete and I feel Caroline's hand on my arm. She sighs a huge sigh of relief and says with a proud sense of achievement, "We did it."

I know I should be pleased, too, but I'm not. All I feel is guilt.

"The spell's done. They aren't getting out of there, at least not until I undo the spell. I'm going back to Shane," Bonnie says, walking away.

"Shane?" Caroline questions. "Why do you need to see Shane?"

Bonnie turns back, a look of regret on her face. She misspoke and forgot herself and now she must face Caroline's questions. I know of Bonnie and Jeremy's visits with Shane, because Klaus informed me of them, but I have not told anybody else and clearly until a moment ago Bonnie had been keeping the visits a secret.

"He helps me, Caroline. You know what he did for me before."

Caroline scoffs and retorts, "Yeah, but that was before we found out that he was using all of us. Before he drugged you and Jeremy, threw a vervain grenade, tied us to chairs and threatened to kill us if we didn't give him what he wanted. Before we found out that he wants to resurrect the most dangerous creature of all time just so he can bring his wife back from the dead."

"This is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you'd react like this."

"What else did you expect? How could you forgive him for what he did? What he did to us, to  _you,_ " Caroline replies, her hands waving around.

"Caroline," I say stepping up behind her and reaching out for her shoulders, in an attempt to end the conflict between the friends before it gets any worse.

"Shane was doing what he thought was best, what he had to do for the woman he loves. He admitted that it was wrong and stupid and he apologised. He agreed to work with Klaus, to work with all of us to find the cure and I believe that he made a mistake."

Caroline rolls her eyes and scoffs.

"Looks like you don't know your BFF as well as you think, love," Klaus says, a knowing tone to his voice. Witnessing Caroline and Bonnie's discomfort and upset seems to have brought him a perverse amount of pleasure and his temper has cooled off.

Caroline swings to face him and asks, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that Bonnie here has been a frequent visitor at the Mikaelson household as of late. Isn't that right, love?"

Caroline and I turn our heads to look at Bonnie and she hangs her head and shifts awkwardly on her feet.

"Yes, okay? Yes, I've been coming here regularly to meet with Shane."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd overreact like this and it's not important, okay? I know what he did was wrong, but I...I need him. Without him I can't control my magic, I don't know what I might do. I'm a weapon, Caroline," Bonnie says, her voice wobbling with emotion.

Caroline steps forward and reaches out to stroke Bonnie's arm comfortingly. "That's not true," she says, her anger having faded.

"You don't know what it's like to have so much power inside of you. You don't know how hard it is, how dangerous."

"You're right, I don't understand, but I can try. You're my best friend, Bonnie. Let me be there for you. You don't need Shane to help you. We can help you."

Bonnie shakes her head. "You can't."

Caroline lets go of Bonnie and her arms fall by her side. "If that's how you feel, you better get back to Shane," she says coldly.

Bonnie looks at Caroline and then over her shoulder at me, and I see uncertainty in her eyes. She knows that walking away now will only upset Caroline, but nonetheless she does so anyway.

"Well, well, well. Looks like the witch is going over to the dark side. But you'd know better than anyone, the allure to darkness, eh, Caroline?"

"Shut up, Klaus," she snaps.

He chuckles quietly. "So what is the grand plan of yours? I assume there is a plan."

"We're killing Kol," Caroline states, causing my body to jerk with surprise at her bluntness and Rebekah and Klaus' eyes to widen in horror at the prospect of their brother's murder.

"You really are fools," Klaus spits. "You will never be able to over-power him. He is an  _Original_  vampire."

"We over-powered you, didn't we?" Caroline retorts.

Klaus scowls at Caroline and I reach for her arm dragging her back to me and say quietly, "Take it easy."

"Why? What's wrong? We won," she says.

"No, we haven't. This is just the first step. We still have to kill Kol and remember that we still need Klaus. He's the only one that can decode the map, so let's not make him any angrier than he already is," I whisper.

I hear Klaus scoff. "You really expect me to help you in any way after today? You betrayed me one too many times and this time it has gone too far. I will remain in this prison for as long as I am forced to and the moment I am released I will remove your hearts from your chests and rid the world of your insufferable foolishness once and for all."

"I'm sorry, okay?" I say walking over to him, unable to withstand another moment of this. Rebekah is standing with her back faced to us and hasn't uttered a word since the spell took effect. "I'm sorry to both of you, but this is what needed to be done. We didn't do this to betray you, we did it to survive. You two should understand that better than anyone, you'd do anything to survive."

"Don't get all high and mighty, Stefan, you're about to kill our brother," Rebekah says, still keeping her back to us.

"And how many people's brothers have you killed in the last thousand years? And would you even hesitate to kill another if it guaranteed the survival of you and your family? Anyway, Kol has been dead set against stopping us from finding the cure, we were going to have to get rid of him somehow. Klaus even said himself if it came to it he would kill him."

"Yes, but I was going to do that on  _my_  terms!" he explodes.

"We're giving you what you want, Klaus," Caroline's voice says from behind me. "You want the cure for Elena, so you can make more hybrids and that's what you're gonna get. When you realise that, you'll co-operate with us."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, it is."

He shakes his head and smiles. "I have to admit your outspoken bravery never ceases to amaze me, Caroline."

"I'm not scared of you, Klaus," she replies confidently with her shoulders back.

"Just because I haven't killed you yet, doesn't mean I won't. The second this veil has dropped I-"

"What? What are you going to do?"

He squares up to her from behind the veil, and she keeps her eyes on him firmly. She knows how to handle herself, how to handle him and after a few moments he sighs and begins pacing.

"Just go! Leave! Leave now!" Rebekah shouts unexpectedly, causing all of us to jump. "I am done with this messed up family and this goddamn cure! I don't care! I don't care about any of it! I want out! I want out now!" she screams, grabbing a glass and smashing it at the wall.

"Now, Rebekah, love, I understand the dismay you feel given the situation, but don't take it out on the decor. This wallpaper was imported all the way from Italy," he says, before swinging round to look at Caroline and adding with a smile, "I have a keen eye for interior design."

I scoff in disbelief that even now he still finds the room for sarcastic jokes and flirtatious comments, but Rebekah doesn't find the situation amusing and begins thrashing the contents of the room in a violent, uncontrollable rage. She's screaming at the top of her lungs, and for the most part her voice is so screechy that I can't decipher what she is saying. She comes to a sudden stop and swings round to face us, her eyes red, snot dribbling down her nose and streaks of mascara on her cheeks. She looks over Klaus' head and meets my eyes directly and I immediately want to fade away, unable to face the anguish I have caused her.

"I thought I could trust you," she says, her voice barely a whisper as she attempts to suppress the growing intensity of her cries.

"I'm...I'm sorry, Rebekah. I..."

All of a sudden Klaus charges at her and plunges a blade deep into her chest, causing Caroline and I to gasp in unison.

"You want out? You have your wish, little sister," he says. He holds Rebekah in his arms and the black veins begin to rise up to her neck and then her face, until her eyes roll back in her head and she goes limp. Klaus lays her down on the ground carefully and sweeps the hair from her face, before planting a soft kiss on her head. "Sleep well, Rebekah."

"What did you just do?" I ask in horror. He tosses the dagger up into the air and swiftly catches it and even now there's still the hint of a satisfied smile on his face. It's then that I realise I don't feel guilty for doing this to Klaus at all, because unlike his sister he truly is incapable of even the tiniest shred of human emotion or compassion.

"Where did you even get that?" Caroline asks through raised eyebrows.

"I'm not a fool, Caroline. Rebekah here is easily swayed, particularly when it comes to the temptation of men," he says, his eyes falling on me. "I would not allow anyone to be in possession of a weapon that can be used against me, not even my sister."

Caroline exhales with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

"Don't look so surprised, love. You of all people know what I'm capable of."

"Yeah. Yeah, I do, but I guess part of me keeps hoping that there's some small shred of goodness still left in there."

His face becomes intense and serious as he says, "Hope is a very dangerous thing, Caroline."

I'm still unable to speak, overwhelmed by the events that have unfolded. I can't seem to tear my eyes away from Rebekah's still and lonely body lying on the floor. Two days ago she forced me to feed, to lose control and I  _hated_  her for it, but now... I lean over to Caroline and say, "Are you okay holding down the fort here with Bonnie? I need to get to Elena's to help her and Damon."

She nods and tells me to keep her informed and I take off like a shot, desperate to escape from the situation. The guilt I already felt for betraying Rebekah has been tripled now that my actions have not only led to her being trapped, but to her being daggered  _again_. If it wasn't for Rebekah we wouldn't be going through all of this to find the cure, because Elena would still be human, but that fact doesn't change the remorse I feel. It's because I always choose to see the best in people. No matter how many terrible or evil things someone might do, I still cling to the hope that deep down there is something redeemable. I do it with everyone. I've done it with Damon for 164 years and Rebekah is no exception. I inhale deeply and close my eyes tightly. I can feel my body is rigid with anxiety and hunger. It's only been 2 days since I fed and despite feeling more in control than I expected, at times like these I am overwhelmed with a burning hunger that increases my urge to feed. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and picture Elena in my mind. Her dark eyes filled with light, her sweet smile and angelic laugh. I cling to the image of her and whisper her name over and over again under my breath to remind myself for the millionth time why I am doing this and who I am doing this for.

* * *

** ELENA **

"So...we've got vervain in the taps, vervain grenades, a collection of stakes in varying size, some of these weird crossbow thingys..." Damon says, picking one up from the table, "...and a whole bag full of goodies, courtesy of Ric. Thanks, buddy."

"So, do you think we have everything we're going to need to make this work?" I ask.

Damon nods. "All we need now is for Jeremy to get the job done."

I look to Jeremy and see a look of fierce determination on his face. I know the strength he holds inside, and I'm not just talking about the supernatural strength of a Hunter, but of his inner strength. He may be younger than me, but he is ten times stronger than I will ever be, but still, something feels so  _wrong_  about all of this. I'm sending my little brother on a  _killing_  mission. It's unnatural and wrong in many ways and regardless of the reasons or justifications for doing it, it will never feel right.

"Have you heard from Stefan, Caroline or Bonnie?"

Damon shakes his head. "Not yet, but if everything goes to plan, Stefan should be here soon."

I sigh deeply and ask, "What if it doesn't?"

"What if what doesn't?" Damon says.

"What if it doesn't go to plan?"

Jeremy wraps his arm about my shoulders and says, reassuringly, "Hey, it will. This is Bonnie we're talking about. She's the most powerful person I've ever known, if anyone can do it, she can."

I nod and lean my head on his shoulder. "I hope you're right."

"Now, when Stefan gets here, Jeremy will call Kol and arrange to meet with him here at 7. That gives us 2 hours before he gets here to make final preparations."

Jeremy and I nod. The front door opens then and we all turn to see Stefan appear.

"Hey," he says.

We all scramble forward eager to hear what happened with Klaus and Rebekah. Stefan holds his hands up and informs us that everything went fine and an exhalation of relief escapes us.

"Where are Caroline and Bonnie?" I ask.

"Caroline's stayed to keep an eye on things and Bonnie...she's with Shane."

"Shane?" Damon and I question.

"Apparently she's been going to see him a lot lately so that he can help her with her magic," Stefan says, looking over my shoulder at Jeremy.

I turn to face him and ask, "You knew about this?"

He nods and I tilt my head, disapprovingly.

"We've both been going to see him," he explains. "I know he's crazy, but he helps Bonnie with her magic and he knows a lot of...stuff."

"What stuff?" Damon asks mockingly.

"Just stuff. And anyway, he helped me at the lake house with my Hunter urges, a lot more than  _you_  ever have, so he can't be all bad," he bites back, a frown on his face.

"You really believe that?" Damon asks with a scoff. "He's a freakin' psychopath and he can't be trusted."

"Well, Bonnie still trusts him and I trust Bonnie."

"Bonnie trusts him? Well, the two of you are clearly just as crazy as him."

"Damon, don't," I say. "We don't need this right now. We can figure out what to do about Shane later, right now we need to focus on today." I turn from Damon to Stefan and ask, "What happened with Klaus and Rebekah? How mad was he? Do you think he'll help us with decoding the map?"

"You know Klaus, he was furious and he kinda...daggered Rebekah..."

"What?" we all exclaim in unison.

"Yeah...it was sudden. I don't really get why he did it. She was screaming, throwing things and yelling about how she wanted out and he just ran at her. We didn't expect it. We didn't even know he had the dagger."

"Well, I'll give it to Klaus, he finally did something good."

"Damon," Stefan says with a disapproving shake of his head.

"What? Do you expect me to be sorry? That bitch gets everything she deserves and anyway, she's one less problem for us to deal with."

Of course, I agree with Damon. Rebekah is the reason that I'm a vampire, but I look over to Stefan and see the conflict in his eyes. It's not as black and white to him. He values every life, even the lives of 1000 year old vampires that are the devil incarnate, but that's just what makes Stefan Stefan and is one of the reasons I love him. He sees the good in everyone, even those that don't deserve it and that is a rare and special quality to have.

"So is everything ready here?" Stefan asks scanning the room.

Jeremy nods. "Pretty much. We raided Ric's stash and got everything we could possibly need to kill a vampire."

Stefan nods. "So what's the plan? And where's Tyler? I thought he was gonna chip in and help out."

"He was, but he left town...wolf business," I say.

"Huh, that's unfortunate. Having a hybrid would've been an advantage."

"We don't need a Hybrid, I'm the ultimate weapon," Jeremy says with an arrogance that takes me back slightly.

"Um...yeah, so the plan is that Jeremy's going to call Kol and tell him that we want to talk about making a truce about the cure and Silas. We tell him to meet here at 7, Jeremy invites him in," I explain.

Stefan looks at me expectantly and then raises his eyebrows before saying, "And?"

"And we were waiting for you to get here to work on the logistics," I answer.

"Ah," he says with a nod.

"We didn't even know whether you would manage to lock Klaus and Rebekah down and we needed to know before we started anything," I add.

"We don't need logistics. It's simple, Kol gets here and we run at him with these bad boys," Damon replies, aiming a cross bow at the door and mimicking the sound of it being released. "Simple."

Stefan and I look to each other in surprise and Stefan steps forward and says, "Damon, this is an Original vampire. Do you really think that's going to work? If we screw this up or are vulnerable for even a second we'll all be dead."

"Always the optimist, eh, brother?" Damon retorts.

"Look, it's simple, okay?", Jeremy says. "I play nice with him, lure him into the house and get him into the kitchen. Damon comes at him from upstairs..." he explains, pointing to the staircase, "...Stefan comes in through the back door and hits him and whilst he's down Elena sprays him with vervain. That should leave him vulnerable enough to give me a good shot."

We all stare at him for a moment in awe and then we all nod in agreement, but when I look over to Stefan, I can see the nervousness in his eyes. He's worried that something will go wrong, and so am I. This whole plan is risky, but the fact that we successfully managed manipulate and trap Klaus and Rebekah has slightly boosted my confidence. Damon reaches for a crossbow from the table and loads it before handing it to Stefan. He then loads another one for himself and looks to me.

"You're having one, too," he says, picking up a third.

"Me? But I don't need one, I'm spraying him with vervain."

"Elena, this is an Original vampire, you're having a weapon to protect yourself," Stefan says firmly.

I nod and Damon hands it to me. I rest it on the kitchen counter and look up at the clock, it's nearly 5:30. I look to Jeremy who is also looking up at the clock and he meets my eyes and we both know it's time.

"Call him," I say, handing him the phone.

"Now, remember what I told you to say..."

"I think I know how to handle this," Jeremy replies cutting Damon off mid-sentence. He begins dialing the number and I inhale deeply. I meet Stefan and Damon's eyes and this time I see a hint of panic in Damon's eyes too, which reminds me how serious this is. All of our lives depend on us perfectly executing this plan and if it goes wrong...there won't be any immortality present for the cure to strip from us.

* * *

** DAMON **

The four of us stand around the table, Stefan is beside me his jaw clenched, fists bunched up and Elena is across from me, nibbling on her nails, her eyebrow twitching slightly. Jeremy, however, stands tall and firm. He looks strong, confident and sure and for a moment I forget that this is Elena's brother, little Gilbert, because I see a man that is more powerful and brave than any of us.

I listen intently to the ringing tone coming from the phone held to Jeremy's ear and just as it is about to go through to voicemail, a familiar British voice calls, "Jeremy, mate," down the phone.

I see Elena and Stefan's backs go rigid and despite being able to hear the conversation clearly, they edge closer, and so do I.

"What a pleasant surprise. I have to admit, I didn't expect to hear from you again."

"We need to talk, Kol," Jeremy says, his voice firm.

"Talk about what?"

"You know what. About the cure and Silas. We know you haven't given up on stopping us and we're tired of waiting for you to strike. Let's sort this."

A light laugh escapes him. "Well, I have to say, I'm glad you and your little band of merry men have finally come to your senses. Whatever mush Professor Shane has been filling your head with, believe me when I say that unleashing Silas will wreak havoc on the world and be the beginning of the end. So when do you want to have this little chat? I happen to have a window open in my diary for right now."

All of our eyes widen in terror and Elena begins frantically gesturing at Jeremy, mouthing so quickly that I fail to catch any of what she's saying. Jeremy attempts to brush her off and turns his back to her.

"How about 7pm my place?" he asks.

"7pm, hmm?" Kol questions. "You'd think I would've learned the virtue of patience after one thousand years, but no, I'm still the same impatient wretch that I've always been."

Three knocks land on the front door and all of our heads turn in unison. I look back to Stefan and panic is all over his face, distorting his features.

"It's rude to keep a visitor on the doorstep," Kol's voice calls through the door.

Jeremy discards the phone on the table and Elena runs to Jeremy, scrambling at his arms in a panic.

"What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?" she mouths over and over, looking from Stefan to me and back again.

The adrenaline is already pumping around my body and it clouds my ability to think.  _Why can't I think?_  I look to Stefan, desperate for him to have the answers that I don't, but he is just as unprepared and terrified as I am. Despite the hours of planning that went into this, we weren't prepared for this. All of a sudden the door bursts off it's hinges and Kol stands in the doorway, a twisted smile on his face.

"Oops, sorry. That would be my burning impatience, which coincidentally goes hand in hand with a raging temper...and wonderful, the whole motley crew are here I see," he says a smile on his face.

Jeremy steps forward and Elena goes to follow him, but I reach for her and pull her into me.

"Kol, I meant what I said. I want to come to a truce, we all do. You want to make it so that the cure and Silas can never be found and I can make it so that that happens. If I stop hunting vampires, the mark won't grow and the map will never be complete."

Kol chuckles. "Do you really expect me to believe that a Hunter will stop hunting vampires? I've known a few Hunter's in my day, and trust me, mate, it's in your blood to kill. No, the way I see it, the simplest solution would really be to kill you right here and now."

Kol rips a piece of wood from the door frame and it whizzes at Jeremy full pelt, but someone dives in front of him and then Stefan drops to the floor on his knees, the wood having sunken deep into his chest.

"Stefan!" Elena and I yell instinctively. I pull the wood out and he gasps and groans in pain and I look back up to Kol, the fury that is needed to finish this fight having been ignited. Kol is still laughing with amusement at seeing us running around like headless chickens. I get Stefan to his feet, before turning back to Elena quickly who is clinging to Jeremy's arm.

I pull her to the back of the kitchen and she meets my eyes, fearfully. "Damon, what-what are we going to do? We can't win this fight, we can't."

I attempt to soothe her and brush her hair over her shoulder. "Elena, listen to me. You're going to take this crossbow," I say reaching for one off the table and placing it into her hands, "and you're going to go upstairs and out through the window..."

"Damon...wha-what are you...?"

"You're going to go to Tyler's house, where no vampire can enter and you're going to stay there until I come and get you."

All of a sudden a look of realistaion comes across her face and then she pushes me away violently as she shouts, "Damon,  _no_!"

"This is what will make me happy, Elena. I need you to do this. Go and don't look back. Go! Go now!"

Tears are already streaming down her face and her eyes are so full of betrayal, anger and hurt that I feel my heart contract, but despite every part of her wanting to stay and fight with us, she immediately disappears, unable to resist the power of the sire bond. I swing back around and Stefan is looking at me. He's still healing and groaning lightly in pain, but he knows what I've just done and he looks on at me in shock, disappointment and disgust. He doesn't say anything about it, so as not to draw Kol's attention to Elena's absence and despite his constant preaching about the importance of free-will, I know he is secretly pleased that Elena is safe, even if it wasn't by choice.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I continue to look on at Damon, shaking my head slightly. I know what to expect of Damon by now, but he still manages to render me speechless with his actions. The three blood bags I drained before arriving here were wise, because my body regains strength quicker than usual and within a minute I am raring to fight.

Jeremy and Kol are arguing, their tempers having got the best of both of them, but I've been so pre-occupied with Damon and Elena that I've momentarily been taken away from the urgency of the situation. At least until I hear Jeremy scream those two words,"Come in", which cause me to crash back down to reality with full force. Damon and I both jump forward, shouting ' _no_ ', and although Jeremy's words echo around me and float away on a cloud, the impact is immediate and instantly my senses are overwhelmed with whizzing vampires, flying furniture and earth-shattering screams and cries.

I barely even notice that I'm already fighting, my limbs just frantically scramble fueled with a purely instinctual and predatory adrenaline that leaves room for nothing else. Kol is so fast that I cannot distinguish where he is and I accidentally plummet the stake in my hand into Damon's leg instead of Kol's heart. The kicks, blows and stabs delivered by Damon and Jeremy that are meant for Kol, mistakenly fall upon me, causing me to grunt and groan in pain. No matter how hard we fight, we cannot seem to get the upper hand and every hit I take distorts my vision, causing the edges of it to blur, but I continue to scream out Damon and Jeremy's names at the top of my lungs. I don't know if I'm calling for help, or I'm just hoping for a response, but I do it because I don't know what else to do. The yells that come from me only stop when I feel an immense pressure on my head and hear the deafening sound of my own neck breaking.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle to kill Kol continues as chaos ensues and lives are endangered.

** ELENA **

In my head I'm still screaming no, full of determination that I will not leave, but in the time it takes me to blink I am standing in Lockwood Mansion. I look around me, disorientated, my entire body shaking.

"Who...who's there? I'm warning you! I'm armed!" a voice booms down the stairs.

"Ma-Matt?" I call out.

"Elena?" he replies peering around the corner, crossbow in hand. He flies down the stairs when he realises it's me and discards the crossbow on a cabinet on his way down. "What are you doing here? What's happened? Is someone hurt?" he asks worry all over his face.

"I...I don't know..."

"What do you mean you don't know?" he asks desperately. "Elena..." he says grabbing hold of my shoulders and looking me in the eyes, "...you're crying. Did something go wrong with Kol?"

I reach my hand up to my face and feel the wetness of the tears I'm still crying. I feel my lip begin to tremble and I have to fight with all my might to stifle the sob that comes from deep within my chest.

"Oh, Matt..." I choke, before crying out.

He steps forward and takes me into his arms immediately and I cling to him tightly, burying my face into his shoulder. I'm unaware of any pain I might be causing him due to the vice like grip I have him in. Matt may be human and technically weaker than I am, but right now his strong arms are the only thing that is holding me together. I didn't expect to find him here, but I'm so thankful that he is. Anyone else would continue to ask questions or at least utter words of comfort, but he doesn't. He just stands completely still and holds me, until I'm ready to let go.

"I'm sorry, Matt," I say stepping out of his embrace after a few minutes and dabbing my face with the sleeve of my cardigan.

"Here," he says handing me a tissue.

I thank him and proceed to wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

"So are you going to tell me what's happened?"

"Everything was going to plan. Me, Jeremy and Damon had started to get everything ready, Stefan got to the house and told us that Bonnie had trapped Klaus and Rebekah, everything was fine. But when Jeremy rang Kol to meet him, he came round straightaway and we weren't ready and it caught us off guard. We were all scared and then Damon...he just...he told me to leave. He  _forced_  me to leave. He used the sire bond."

"He  _what_?"

"Yeah, and I had to leave them all behind. I had to leave Jeremy behind. Oh, god, Matt, what if something's gone wrong? If anything happens to Jeremy... I'll never forgive Damon for this."

"Well, come on, let's go and get him," Matt says furious determination on his face.

"I...I can't. Damon told me that I can't leave this house until he comes to get me," I explain.

"I'll go on my own then and-"

"No! No, Matt, you can't. You'll get yourself killed. No..." I say, attempting to formulate a plan.

"But if I don't go, Jeremy will be killed."

"Matt, I won't have you risking your life! No!" I shout. "Caroline and Bonnie are still at Klaus', go and get them and then go to the house. If there's anyone that can beat Kol, it's Bonnie. Take your car."

Matt nods, grabs his keys and then runs to the door. He looks over his shoulder to me and says, "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay," before disappearing out into the night.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I slowly return to consciousness groaning as I do and when I open my eyes I see Kol looking down on me, an evil smile plastered on his face. I attempt to move but I'm restricted by the chains that are tied around my wrists and ankles. I look to my left and see Damon and Jeremy tied up, too, looks of fear and uncertainty on their faces.

"Why are we still alive?" I ask.

"Because, I'm not done with you yet," Kol replies.

"He's going to compel us, Stef," Damon says from beside me.

"Compel us? Why? To do what?" I ask puzzled.

"To kill Jeremy. It's a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. I don't know why I didn't think of it before," Kol says, a cunning smile on his face. "I want to make it so that the cure and Silas can never be found and the best way to do that is to destroy the map that leads to it."

"So why don't you just kill him yourself?"

"And spend the next couple of centuries living through the Hunters' curse? No thanks. So...Stefan, mate..."

I squirm in my seat and close my eyes shut, so as to avoid making eye contact, but he grabs me and forces my eyes open.

"...you're going to kill Jeremy Gilbert and you're not going to stop until you do."

I growl and fight as hard as I can, but his words seep deep into my unconsciousness. He smiles smugly and then straightens up.

"I've heard about your...talent to fight against compulsion, so your brother over here will be the perfect back up," he says bending down in front of Damon. "Damon, if Stefan should fail in killing Jeremy, you will take over and you will ensure that the job is finished."

I look over at Jeremy and out of all of us he looks the least afraid. He just glares at Kol, fury and disgust in his eyes and I can immediately feel the affects of Kol's compulsion, as my body screams at me to rip Jeremy's head from his shoulders.

"Jeremy, I truly am sorry, my friend, but this is what has to be done."

"Go to hell," Jeremy replies through gritted teeth and Kol laughs before whipping behind us, releasing all of our chains and disappearing out of the door.

The three of us meet each other's eyes uncertainty and nervousness between us. Suddenly my free limbs lurch at Jeremy and Damon pulls me back.

"Get out of here, Jeremy!" I scowl. "Get out of here NOW! Run and don't look back! RUN!"

"You heard what he said, run!" Damon shouts.

Jeremy does as we say and scrambles to his feet, before heading out of the door. My body fights against my consciousness, Kol's compulsion having taken over every natural protective instinct that I would usually have for Jeremy and replaced them with nothing but the urge to kill.

Damon still has me tightly in his grip, but he is weak from the fight with Kol and I scream at the top of my voice, "Damon, you need to tie me up! Stop me, do whatever it takes!"

He scrambles for the chains that lie on the floor and in the split second that he loosens his hold on me, I swing around, snap his neck and take off at full speed after Jeremy.

* * *

** ELENA **

I frantically pace up and down, up and down, biting my nails, thoughts of what might've happened to Jeremy, Stefan and Damon driving me so mad with worry that my head spins uncontrollably. Matt has been gone for 20 minutes, but it feels like 20 years. An explosion of anger suddenly escapes me and I let out a yell of uncontrollable frustration, throwing a cabinet that sits in the hallway at the wall, leaving shattered fragments of ornaments and photo frames that contained photographs of Tyler and his parents on the floor. I zoom off around Tyler's house, searching high and low for blood bags and hit the jackpot when I find a pile in a fridge in the kitchen. I don't bother to warm them up and rip them apart, causing the blood to splurt all over the tiles. I gulp the blood down and proceed to lick the spilled blood up, every ounce of self restraint having become lost in the overwhelming fear that is flowing through my body. The blood instantly nourishes my body with energy and strength, but it only fuels the rage and terror that is already causing my body to shake.

 _This is all Damon's fault_. He did this, he forced me to leave at the very moment they needed me most. I hate him for it, but at the same time the thought of him having been hurt or killed is something I'm afraid of just as much as the thought of losing Jeremy or Stefan. I fall to ground in the pool of spilled blood, my head on my knees and although I cry out, no tears come. I cried at the anger, frustration and betrayal I felt at Damon using the sire bond to force me to do one of the worst possible things imaginable, but that has faded away and now I'm just...I'm...I'm  _terrified_. I've already lost too many people and the grief has almost destroyed me beyond repair, but if I lose any one of them now, today, I know with absolute certainty that it will be the end of me.

I lift my head up from my knees and open my eyes to see the mess of blood that I'm sitting in. I get to my feet and wander over to the sink, filling it with water. I rummage through the cupboards for cloths, sponges, bleach and floor cleaner and proceed to mop up the mess, not knowing what else to do. I remember doing the same when Caroline first told me about the sire bond. Cleaning in the hope that it would distract me or make me forget. It didn't work then, and it doesn't work now, but I continue on nonetheless, until I hear the sound of an approaching car engine.

I'm at the front door in under a second and the first face I see is Bonnie's. I call out her name in relief and she steps over the threshold and into my arms. I see Caroline and Matt climb out of the car, before proceeding to drag an unconsciousness Damon from the back seat. Caroline reminds Matt that she and Damon can't enter the house until he invites them in and he willingly invites them. They drop Damon on the floor and a bombardment of mixed emotions hits me at seeing him, but the one that breaks through first is concern as I ask, "Is he okay? What happened?"

His eyes are shut and although his clothes are covered in blood, I can see no visible wounds. I look up to Bonnie, Caroline and Matt and ask, "Are you okay?"

They're all breathless, but nod and reassure me that they're fine and then Bonnie says, "He was like that when we found him."

"What about Jeremy and Stefan? Were they at the house? Did you see them? What about Kol?"

They all shake their heads. "No, when we got there the door was wide open and Damon was unconscious on the floor. No one else was there," Matt explains.

"But there did look like there'd been a struggle," Caroline adds.

"A struggle? Oh, god. We have to go out and look for them," I say getting to my feet.

"It's okay, Elena, it's okay. I can do a locator spell to find Jeremy," Bonnie reassures me, reaching for my hands. "Just breathe, okay?"

"Breathe? You're telling me to breathe? Bonnie, my brother and Stefan are missing, Kol is gone...Why is he gone? I don't understand. Why wouldn't he just kill them? Why would he let them go? Where could they be?"

My questions are relentless and I can't stop them from leaving my mouth one after another.

"I'm gonna go grab a blood bag from the kitchen. Damon's gonna need his strength when he wakes up," Caroline says heading for the kitchen.

Bonnie comes to me and grabs my shoulders. "Elena, listen to me. They're alive. They have to be. If they were dead they would've been there, but they weren't. They got away and Kol...he must've gone after them. But Jeremy's a Hunter and with Stefan too..."

She's trying to comfort me, but it doesn't work. She knows as well as I do that even a Hunter and a 100 year old vampire are no match for Kol. Suddenly Damon jerks awake and Caroline appears and hands him the blood bag. He grips it tightly in his hands and glugs it down, before discarding it, gasps and groans escaping him. He gets to his feet and looks at us, disorientated and confused.

"Stefan..." he coughs.

I raise my hand and land a hard, vicious slap across his face, causing him to stumble back into Caroline and everyone to gasp in surprise.

"How could you?" I say my voice quiet and dripping with disgust.

"I was protecting you," he says, moving his head and meeting my eyes.

"Protecting me?  _Protecting me_? Stefan and Jeremy are gone and they could be dead! How is that protecting me?"

I shake my head at him and Bonnie wraps her arm about my shoulder and lightly pulls me away saying, "We don't have time for this. Damon, what happened?"

"Kol...he...he over powered us and then he compelled Stefan to kill Jeremy."

"What?" we all exclaim in horror.

"Kol wants to stop us from finding the cure, but he won't kill Jeremy himself because of the Hunter's curse, so he compelled us instead."

"Us?" Bonnie questions.

Damon nods and goes on to say, "Yeah, if Stefan fails, he's compelled me to take over. But Jeremy got away and Stefan told me to tie him up to stop him, but he...he broke my neck and...I don't know where they are." His voice is shaky, his eyes flit around in the sockets and I can see that he's trembling. I'm not used to seeing Damon scared, but when he is, it amplifies my own fear.

"I'm so sorry, Elena," he says after a few moments and it is the most sincere and heartfelt apology I have ever heard him make. I realise then that no matter how angry I am at him for what he has done, his brother is missing too and he's just as afraid as me. As always, we're in this together. All of us.

Bonnie begins to list what she needs to do the spell, and after 10 minutes of searching around the house, we have the selection of candles, a map and a knife needed to cast the spell. With the candles lit, Bonnie proceeds to slice my hand and a pool of my blood falls onto the map. Bonnie begins the chant and it is only seconds before the blood flows across the map to a spot located in the woods.

"It's done," Bonnie announces.

"They're in the woods, 10 minutes from here," Matt states.

Damon nods and says, "So, let's go."

"I picked up the bag of weapons that was on the table at Elena's," Matt says.

"You've finally done something useful, Donovan," Damon retorts.

"Matt, you're not going," Caroline says.

"Yes, I am. I want to help," he replies. "I have my ring, I'll be fine. I'm coming."

"Caroline's right, Matt," Bonnie says softly. "I know you want to help, but there's nothing you can do against Kol."

"So what? I'm just supposed to sit here and wait while you all risk your lives?"

"That's exactly what you're gonna do," Damon says. "Face it, Donovan, you're human and completely useless against Kol. You'll only get in the way. Leave this to the big boys and girls."

Matt scowls at Damon, a frown on his face, before turning to look at me. I'm his last resort and I can see that he's hoping that I will disagree with the others and respect his decision to help.

"I'm sorry, Matt," I say, meeting his eyes.

He shakes his head, bites his lip with frustration. "I can't risk anything happening to you. The ring will bring you back, but look at what it did to Ric."

Matt sighs and then bows his head, before saying, "Elena, I don't care about that. I've been training with Jeremy and I know I can help. Besides, you can't compel me so you can't stop me."

I sigh and look to Bonnie and Caroline. We all know Matt well enough to know how stubborn he can be and so I say, "Okay, you're coming with us."

Damon jumps up and exclaims in disbelief, but we ignore him and get up from our seats. Equipped with weapons, Matt and Bonnie take Matt's car to the woods and Damon, Caroline and I take off by foot. We don't speak, except for when we're conferring about the plan and I clear my head of everything, forcing myself to focus on the fight that's ahead. Even when we find Jeremy and Stefan, we need to somehow break Stefan's compulsion, and if we do that, we'll still have to find a way to break Damon's compulsion. It almost seems to be a losing battle, but honestly all that I care about right now is keeping Jeremy and Stefan alive, by any means necessary and that one singular desire is what fills my being and gives me the surge of power I need to go on.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I zoom through the trees at full speed, dashing in all directions, driven forward by Kol's compulsion that has made each one of my senses ultra sensitive to Jeremy's every movement and breath. My body is covered with puncture wounds from the branches I have plunged into myself in an attempt to slow myself down, but I'm still gaining on him and I can sense that he is just mere feet away.

"Jeremy!" I yell through the trees. "Jeremy, you need to be faster! I'm trying to slow down, but I can't fight it! I can't...fight! I can't!"

I reach for another branch and put it through my stomach, but I'm so filled with adrenaline and an instinct to kill that I barely feel it and it's only moments before I've recovered and I'm sprinting through the trees once more. I've fought compulsion once before and I'm determined to do it again, but it's even harder than I remember. Every single atom in my body is screaming at me, my muscles ready to kill, my fangs raring to plunge deep into Jeremy's flesh. All that remains the same is my consciousness, my thoughts and that is all I have left. I cling to every single thought that goes through my mind. I tell myself over and over and over, "This is Jeremy, this is Jeremy, this is  _Jeremy_ ," and whenever that thought resonates with me, it's enough to override the compulsion for a second, long enough for me to stab myself again.

I'm growing closer and closer and I can hear Jeremy's exhalations and the rapid beating of his heart even louder now. Panic begins to take me over as I realise how close I am to him and how quickly this is going to be over.

"Jeremy, arm yourself! If I can't fight it, you're going to have to kill me! You'll have no choice. You're a Hunter, you just do it! Do you hear me?"

He doesn't respond, but I hear his heartbeat spike and know that he has heard my words. I propel forward and suddenly someone jumps out of the trees and in front of me.

"Damon!"

I've never been so relieved to see him and I practically collapse into his arms. "It's okay, brother, it's okay."

Elena and Caroline are right behind him.

"Oh, my god, Stefan," Elena says, holding her hand up to her mouth.

"Damon, Jeremy's right over there. You need to stop me, you need to stop me. Here, take this. Stab me, just do it."

Elena disappears to go find Jeremy and Damon clings to me, his strength having fully returned to him. He does as I request and stabs me with a discarded branch and I yell at him to do it again and again and again, and he obliges, stabbing me repeatedly, until Caroline yells at the top of her lungs for Damon to stop.

"No...no..." I groan, "...don't...don't stop."

"We have to find a different way to do this. This isn't going to work forever."

"So what do you suggest?" Damon asks.

"I...I don't know!" Caroline exclaims in frustration. "Hold on. The Lockwood cellar."

"What about it?"

"Tyler used to lock himself down there when there was a full moon. There's reinforced chains and steel doors, if it's enough to keep him down, it'll keep Stefan down."

Damon looks unsure, but I look up to him and nod. "It's a good idea, it could work. I can chain myself up and weaken myself with vervain until we find a way to break the compulsion."

"Whoa, whoa. What's all this talk about breaking compulsion? To do that we have to kill Kol and how are we going to do that?"

"There's other ways to break it, I've done it before."

Damon half shakes his head, but then groans and rolls his eyes, before relenting with, "Okay, okay."

He and Caroline help me to my feet and we head towards the Lockwood cellar.

* * *

** ELENA **

"Jeremy? Jeremy! Jeremy, where are you? Jeremy!" I yell, my voice echoing around me.

I hear him respond and in a second I'm standing in front of him. His head is glistening with sweat, his cheeks red and his chest rises and falls speedily as he attempts to catch his breath. I pull him into me and hold him close.

"You're okay. Damon and Caroline have got Stefan, you're safe. You're safe." I kiss his head and look up to the sky and whisper, "Thank god," under my breath. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I ask examining his face and body.

"I'm...I'm fine," he replies.

"Good, now, come on. Let's get you some place safe," I say taking his hand and leading him forward.

Just as I start to walk away I feel him pull his hand free from my grip and I swing around to face him. He's rooted on the spot, his face hard and I frown at him with confusion.

"Jer, what are you doing? Come on, let's go. Damon's got Stefan, but you're still not safe. Kol could be out here somewhere and he can compel anyone he wants to kill you."

"Exactly, that's why I have to finish this," he says before walking off in the opposite direction.

I speed forward and stop him in his tracks. "What are you talking about?"

"Kol. Killing him is the only way to break the compulsion. Tonight the plan was to kill Kol and we haven't failed yet. I still have a shot. I can find him and when I do, I'm going to kill him," he says, pushing past me.

"Jeremy, no!" I exclaim, pushing him backwards by his chest. "You're going to get yourself killed!"

"Elena, I'm not a kid anymore and I'm a Hunter. I know I can do this."

"No, no, you  _think_  you can do this."

"I  _can_  do this. You don't know what it's like, you don't know how powerful I am. Elena, since the moment I become a Hunter it's like...it's like I can feel it in my blood. I'm meant to kill vampires, it's what I am, it's what I do."

"Vampires, not Original vampires. Kol is a thousand times stronger than an ordinary vampire, you don't stand a chance. Not on your own."

"So what shall I do, Elena? Run, hide, wait for all of this to blow over? It will  _never_  stop, don't you get that?" he shouts, his arms flailing about in frustration. "I'm sick of running, Elena. It's time to fight."

I fall silent and look at him in awe. How can I argue with that? He's right. Time and time again we've come under threat from Original vampires and I'm sick of it, too, but the thought of letting him go is something I can't face.

"Okay, but if you're going to do this, you're not doing it alone. I'll be by your side," I say.

He gives me a small smile, I reach my hand out to him and he takes it and gives it a light squeeze.

"And I'll be by your side, too," Bonnie's voice says from behind me.

Jeremy's face lights up at seeing her and she runs to him and hugs him tenderly, and I feel stronger with just Jeremy and Bonnie by my side, than I would with an entire army behind me, because I know just how strong and capable they both are.

* * *

** STEFAN **

"Okay, that should do it," Damon says closing the final shackle around my ankle.

I test the strength of the chains that bind me by yanking them with all my strength but they don't even budge and I nod approvingly.

"Now, the vervain," I say.

Caroline looks to Damon and then back to me. "Stefan, are you sure? This should be enough to hold you, you don't need to put yourself through that pain."

I shake my head. "Yes, I do. This might be enough to hold me for now, but if I get even the tiniest whiff of Jeremy it won't be. The compulsion makes me stronger than I usually am, trust me."

She sighs and then states, "I'll call Matt to go get some," before taking her phone out of her pocket and leaving.

"How you doin', brother?" Damon asks, crouching down before me.

I sigh and put my hands to my head, before looking up to him and saying, "Damon, this needs to work."

He nods. "I know."

"You might wanna think about chaining yourself up. Kol compelled you, too."

He shakes his head and says, "The compulsion won't take affect on me unless you break yours. That won't happen unless Kol is killed."

"I told you, I did it before."

"But that was when Elena was the one you were compelled to kill."

"And you think that killing Jeremy is different? If anything, it's worse. If Jeremy died...it would destroy her, Damon. I'm not gonna let her lose anyone else."

"My brother, the hero."

I shake my head. "I'm no hero. I just... You're the only family I have left, Damon, and Jeremy is the only family Elena has left and I think...", I trail off, not knowing how best to express myself. "...I think...if anything happened to you..."

He inhales lightly and the see a flicker of emotion in his eyes that tells me I don't need to say anymore. He places his hand on my shoulder and says softly, "I know, Stef," and these kind of moments are the closest we ever get to "I love you."

All of a sudden my body jerks, and a babble of familiar voices fills my ears. Caroline, Bonnie, Elena, Matt and... _Jeremy_. Damon must hear them too, because he looks up and then back at me, a panicked look on his face, but before he has time to react I have ripped myself free from the chains and flattened him to the ground, leaving him unconscious. When I get outside, they're all huddled together in conversation and I leap onto Jeremy. He lands back in the mud and I'm on top of him my teeth bared. I sink them into him and begin draining the life out of him, my consciousness having ceased to exist when suddenly a piercing voice screams, "NO!"

* * *

** ELENA **

He hesitates at the sound of my voice and looks for me. All of a sudden a shot is fired at him and a stake from Matt's crossbow lands in his stomach. He rips it out and growls at Matt, having completely lost all sense of himself and Matt takes aim again. I step forward and push the crossbow that is still aimed at his chest down to the ground and shout, "No, don't hurt him!"

Stefan's eyes are still fixed on me and Jeremy takes the opportunity to get to his feet, but Stefan notices and swipes back around, throwing Jeremy back down. The two of them fight and brawl, matched in both skill and brute strength and Bonnie begins to chant, which instantly leaves Stefan on the ground clutching his head and crying out in pain. Caroline and I dash over, and she grabs Jeremy and carries him back to Bonnie and Matt, but I stay beside Stefan.

"Bonnie, stop it!" I yell.

"He's trying to kill Jeremy, Elena, he has to be stopped!" she shouts back.

"But it's  _Stefan_!"

I see Damon's face appear then from out of the cellar and I call out to him, desperate for his help. He begins struggling with Bonnie, demanding her to stop the spell, but she turns her attentions to him and Damon too drops to the ground. Jeremy tells Bonnie to stop and unlike with me, she listens to him and the spell gives way. Stefan's head shoots up and he immediately lurches for Jeremy again, but I drag him back.

"Stefan! Stefan! It's me! Look at me!" I say clinging to him.

His fangs are still bared and when his eyes meet mine, I can see that he is gone and that the compulsion has completely taken him over, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

"Remember who you are, Stefan. Fight Kol's compulsion. Look at Jeremy. Look at him. He's not just anyone, he's  _Jeremy_ , he's my  _brother._  I know you, Stefan, I know you don't want to hurt Jeremy. Don't let Kol do this to you, don't let him win. Fight it!"

He continues to struggle against me and screams, "I have to kill him! He has to die!"

Bonnie yells out, "He won't stop, Elena, he's compelled!", but I ignore her. Damon runs up to me and attempts to reach Stefan too, but Stefan pushes him aside.

"Okay, okay, Stefan. Stefan, look at me. Don't look at Jeremy, look at me," I say, pulling his face to the side and forcing him to look at me. "This happened to you before, remember? Klaus compelled you to feed on me and you fought it. You fought so hard that you managed to break the compulsion, you can do it again, Stefan. Do it for me, for Jeremy. Please, Stefan.  _Please_. Just...just fight it."

He continues to struggle against me and I pull him in closer, tightening my grip on him. I call his name and he reluctantly meets my eyes and without a second thought I utter the words, "Stefan...I love you, I love you," inaudibly. The second the words have left my lips, I feel his muscles relax and know that he heard what I said, loud and clear, even if no one else did. I stroke his face tenderly and his fangs retract and the veins from his face begin to fade, until his green eyes, full of anguish and worry are looking back at me.

He exhales deeply before saying my name, breathlessly.

"Yeah, yeah, Stefan, it's me," I reply.

He sits up straight and pulls me into him, clinging to me so hard that I feel that I'm going to split in two. Then he suddenly releases me, pulling back, a horrified expression on his face. All he says is, "Damon..." and I turn just in time to see Damon pounce on Jeremy.

Me, Stefan and Caroline jump forward to restrain Damon, and we yell for Bonnie to use a spell to incapacitate him, but after a few moments she yells out in a panicked voice, "I can't! My magic...it's not working! It's not working!"

"Get out of here Jeremy!" I yell. "Bonnie, take him and go! GO!"

Damon has 100 years on Caroline and I and Stefan is still weak from the numerous injuries he inflicted on himself in an attempt to break the compulsion, and so the three of us struggle with all our might to keep Damon from Jeremy. Suddenly Damon pushes Stefan to the ground and just as he's about to take off, Jeremy sprints up to him and snaps Damon's neck in one swift motion, before looking up to us and saying, "We better chain him up."

"Jeremy, I said to run. What were you thinking?" I say, scolding him.

"Well, it's a good job I didn't listen to you, isn't it?" he replies.

Caroline helps Stefan get to his feet and despite being covered in blood and wounds that still haven't healed, he goes to Damon, throws him over his shoulder and carries him down to the cellar. We all follow and assist in chaining him up.

"We need to make sure he's locked down better than me, because trust me, with Jeremy this close, he's going to be going crazy," Stefan says, gesturing to Matt to pass him more chains. "And did you manage to get any vervain?"

Matt nods and hands Stefan a couple of syringes. Stefan wastes no time in plunging them into Damon's arm and then looks up to us and says, "There's no way he's going anywhere near Jeremy tonight. But someone should stay with him, just in case."

"I'll stay," I say.

He shakes his head and replies, "I meant me. I'll be fine on my own."

"No, you won't. I'm staying," I say, adamantly.

He gives me a small nod of appreciation and then Caroline lets out a huge sigh, as does Matt.

"You should go home, Matt. You look exhausted," Bonnie says.

He yawns and nods.

"You don't need me for anything else?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I think we'll be okay now. Thanks for tonight, Matt," I reply.

"I'll drive you home," Caroline says, before turning back to us and saying, "I'll come back."

We nod and she follows Matt out.

"So is that it? Is it over?" Bonnie asks.

"No, it's not over until Kol is dead," Jeremy replies.

Bonnie looks to him and says, "Jeremy, there's nothing you can do, at least not tonight."

"I'm a Hunter, Bonnie, there's a lot I can do."

"Jeremy, Bonnie's right. If you go after Kol tonight you'll get yourself killed," Stefan says.

"Jeremy, you're safe, isn't that enough?" Bonnie says stroking his arm.

He shrugs her off and responds with, "No, it's not, because I'm not safe. None of us are," before marching outside in a strop. Bonnie chases after him and I look to Stefan and say, "I better go after him."

He nods and follows me out, making sure to lock the steel doors firmly behind us, so as to not make the same mistake with Damon that he made with Stefan. When we emerge outside, I almost crash right into Jeremy, who is stood firmly on the spot, staring right ahead, a look of horror on his face. When I turn to follow his eyes, I'm greeted with the vision of Bonnie in the arms of Kol.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight against Kol continues, Elena tries to make amends with Damon and at the end of a grueling evening, Stefan and Elena find comfort in each other.

** STEFAN **

"Kol, what are you doing?" I question.

"I have to say, I didn't quite believe it when my brother said that you managed to resist an Original's compulsion, but here you are and Jeremy is stood right there beside you, still breathing." He laughs lightly and then finishes with, "I'm impressed."

"You're making a huge mistake, Kol," Elena starts. "Bonnie is a witch, you won't be able to hold her for long."

He chuckles dramatically, throwing his head back and Jeremy informs us, "He found a witch that cast a spell, temporarily neutralising Bonnie's magic."

"That's right. Didn't think I'd come out here and face a Bennett witch without reinforcements did you? Tut. I know my witches and I know better than to go up against one. As much as it bruises my ego to say it, that is a fight even I can't win."

I sigh deeply and ask, "What do you want from us, Kol?"

"You know what I want, mate. I want the Hunter dead."

"Not gonna happen," Elena snaps, defensively.

I grip her arm tightly and pull her closer to me, saying her name scathingly. Even a word out of line right now could end up with Bonnie dead.

"Come on, I'm sure we can come to some other arrangement that doesn't involve anyone getting hurt," I say.

"Really? Because I don't."

I sigh and look back to him, before saying, "No one's killing Jeremy," in a firm tone.

"Is that so? Well, if I can't have Jeremy, I guess I'll just have to take the witch instead."

He bares his fangs and aims for Bonnie's neck, causing the three of us yell out.

"No, take...take me. Take me instead," I say inching forward and reaching my hand out.

"You?" he scoffs. "Why would you care about...? Oh, I get it," he says closing his eyes and laughing lightly. When he opens them, they're on Elena and he says, "I get it now. It's all because of the precious little doppelganger over there."

I hang my head and say, "Just let Bonnie go, and take me instead."

"Klaus did mention something about you, come to think of it. He said what a shame it was that The Ripper of Monterrey had allowed one pathetic little human make him weak. But I guess she's not human anymore. How did that happen?"

"Your sister," Elena answers.

"Ah, dear old, Rebekah," Kol says shaking his head and smiling. "You do know that the second your girlfriend has taken the cure Klaus will drain every ounce of blood from her body, don't you? My brother only cares about getting what he wants."

"It must run in the family," I reply. "So do we have a deal? Me for Bonnie," I ask, but he ignores me and looks to Jeremy.

"Very quiet, aren't we, mate? Are you really alright with standing by and letting an innocent die for you? Come on, do us all a favour, kill yourself. End this."

I look at Jeremy and the determination has slipped from his face for the first time and I see him starting to give in. He looks on longingly at Bonnie and for a split second I almost think he's considering following Kol's request and ending his life, but Bonnie yells out, "Don't listen to him, Jeremy!"

Kol grips her around the neck, shushing her and Jeremy jerks forward, his protective instincts taking him over.

"No? Okay, if the witch's life means nothing to you, what about your sister's?"

In the blink of an eye Bonnie is in Jeremy's arms and Elena is now the one that Kol has around the throat. All of my resolve leaves me and I growl at him and say through my teeth, "If you touch her I will...", but he cuts me off with piercing laughter.

"Come on, Stefan. Look at her face..." he sweeps her hair off her face and runs the back of his hand over her cheek. "...you love her. You love her enough to fight compulsion for her, do you love her enough to save her life by killing her brother?"

I meet Elena's eyes and I know that she would rather die than lose Jeremy. I've always known that given the choice she would put her loved ones' lives above her own and I've always respected that and vowed that I would do everything in my power to keep them alive, even if it means going completely against every single one of my natural instincts and prioritising them over her. Usually the decision to save Jeremy would be instantaneous, just as my decision to save Matt the night his car went off Wickery Bridge was, but this time I hesitate as I reflect upon the consequences of this choice the last time I made it. Elena died and became a vampire and since then has killed an innocent, suffered through the Hunter's curse and discovered she's sired to Damon. There have been so many times that I have looked at Matt with so much resentment and blame, because I cannot help but see in him the life Elena should have had, but I also know that Elena becoming a vampire and everything that has happened to her since is nothing compared to what would've happened if I would've let Matt die that night. I look from Kol to Elena and the second I see her face, I know exactly what I have to do.

"I'm sorry, Kol, you'll have to kill her," I say, my chest tight.

He looks completely taken aback, but after a few moments scowls and then says, "As you wish," before reaching into Elena's chest. Jeremy and Bonnie scream out and my body goes rigid, but Kol groans and unexpectedly slumps forward. Elena falls from his grip and I have her in my arms immediately, a gasp of relief escaping me the moment I feel her against me. I place her on the ground safely, before turning back Kol. Caroline is stood behind him, crossbow in hand and a proud smile on her face.

"I told you I'd come back," she says, and then from behind her Tyler appears. He pounces on Kol and bites him on the neck, causing Kol to squeal and Caroline tosses me the white oak stake, which I then pass to Jeremy as I yell out, "Now, Jeremy!"

Despite the suddenness of the situation, Jeremy is prepared and jumps forward, plunging the stake deep into Kol's chest, who is still lying on the ground disorientated. Jeremy stumbles back and Kol's eyes widen in shock, as his hand strokes the stake that is sticking out of his heart. He then erupts into flames, causing all of us to fall backwards, covering our eyes with our hands. Once the fire has gone out, I step forward and see nothing but a pile of ash. I look up to Caroline and Tyler and they have surprise and relief on their faces and I stand on in disbelief, unable to believe that we have finally done it. Jeremy comes up beside me and upon seeing the ash states, "He's dead."

We all continue to stare on for a few seconds in shock, but then giddy and euphoric laughter escapes each of us, as we hug each other in celebration. I go to Elena who is still on the ground. She looks over at everyone cheering and jumping around and asks me, "Is he...is he gone?"

I pick her up from the ground and say, "We did it, Elena. He's gone."

I kiss her head and feel overwhelmed with an exhausted, but joyous relief. I continue to hold her close, wanting to feel her against me, but Jeremy sprints over dragging her away and over to the others to join in with the celebrations.

* * *

** ELENA **

I kneel beside Damon who is still unconscious from the vervain Stefan injected him with and rip open a blood bag, waving it under his nose so as to rouse him, but it doesn't evoke any response in him.

"Told you, it wouldn't work," Stefan says coming up behind me. "I injected him with two lots of vervain, he's gonna be out for at least another hour."

I sigh and Stefan proceeds to break him free of the chains and throws Damon over his shoulder for the second time tonight. He places him in the backseat of the car and I proceed to climb into the passenger side of the car. Caroline, Tyler, Bonnie and Jeremy have all gone home to bed and as much as part of me wants to do the same, I feel a deep need to stay close to Stefan and Damon tonight. The car journey back to The Boarding House is short and Stefan and I don't speak, both of us attempting to process the night's events. When we pull up outside I assist him in carrying Damon inside, despite him not needing my help. We place him on his bed and I perch myself on the bed beside him.

"He'll be okay," Stefan says from the doorway.

I inhale and say, "I know, I just...I want to wait with him until he wakes up."

I see a flicker of hurt in his eyes that I did not expect and just as he's about to walk away I call his name, unable to let him leave with that look still present in his eyes.

"We'll talk later," is all I say and he nods, before heading downstairs.

I turn back to Damon and he looks completely peaceful with his hands by his sides, his face straight and somber. I'm not sure why I feel the need to wait by his side for him to wake up. It's a mixture of anxiousness to make sure he's okay and a desperate need to speak to him about what happened tonight. I know if I would've gone home I would've had a sleepless night taunted by the things that I wanted and needed to say to him but did not have the chance to. I pick up a blood bag that Stefan left on the nightstand and put it under his nose to see if it will have an affect this time, but it doesn't. I set the blood bag back down and then lean over him and lightly sweep his hair from his eyes, where it has started to grow too long at the front. I then shift my position on the bed to get more comfortable and glance around the room. I've only been in Damon's bedroom a handful of times, and unlike with Stefan's room that is as familiar and homely to me as my own bedroom, Damon's is still strange to me. This is the bed where Damon and I laid when he was about to die and I kissed him for the first time, it is also where we spent our night fueled of passion mere weeks ago, and yet I still feel out of place when I'm here, and not just because of the very select amount of times I've been in here, but also because of Damon. Sometimes I think I know him better than anyone, but most of the time he is a complete mystery to me. There are so many sides to him, so many parts of himself that he keeps hidden and buried deep, but his bedroom...it's an open book, a direct reflection of who he is. Stefan once told me that his bedroom was the one thing that had remained constant throughout his life and that it was the only place that contained every memory that was precious to him. I'm curious to know what Damon deems to be precious to him, what his special memories are.

My eyes flit around the room at the paintings that hang on the wall, that I noticed the first time I came into his room and the pile of discarded books and papers on the floor at the side of his bed. I shift over and reach for the book off the top of the pile that is titled: " _The Way We Live Now_ ". Underneath sits a bunch of papers with notes scribbled in Damon's hand. I can't decipher most of it, but recognise some parts as being rough ideas or plans for our search for the cure and questions and notes that have been scribbled out violently, leaving indents in the pages. Suddenly I feel him begin to stir and quickly throw the papers back down and place the book back on top, the way I found it. I peer over at him and see his face twitching, his shoulders shifting slightly. I reach for the blood bag and this time he immediately comes to, with a growl in his throat and his fangs bared and tears it from my hands, gnawing and sucking at it aggressively. It's only moments before it's empty, so I hand him a second, which he also ingests in record time, before letting out a huge sigh.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, it's always fun getting injected with vervain and chained up in some werewolf hole."

I roll my eyes. He's conscious for less than a minute and is already making sarcastic jokes, typical Damon.

"How long have I been out?"

"About an hour," I reply.

"Seeing as we're back home, I'm guessing-"

"Kol's dead."

He lets out a light exhalation and his eyes go wide. "How? What happened?"

"It's kinda a long story, all that matters is he's gone and we're all safe."

"Stefan?"

"He's downstairs, he's fine."

"And Jeremy?"

"He's okay, too. He's at home with Bonnie and Caroline went home, too."

"How about the mark? Has it grown yet?"

I shake my head. "Guess it takes a little while for it to take affect."

"I just can't believe I missed it," he says, like a child that missed out on candy.

"Count yourself lucky," I say. "It was a close call, we were lucky to get out of there alive. If it weren't for Tyler and Caroline coming back-"

"Wait. Tyler's back?"

I nod. "Him and Caroline saved us."

"Huh," he says in awe. He stretches and groans and says, "So, I'm guessing you didn't wait here with me because you're planning on feeding me strawberries and giving me some much needed TLC?"

I shake my head and as hard as he may try to make light of the situation, the tension instantly grows thick. He sits upright on the bed, unflinchingly still and solid, which I have come to learn is what he does when he is attempting to mask his nerves, then sighs and leans forward slightly, before saying, "So are you gonna hit me now or...?"

"I already hit you, don't you remember? At Tyler's."

"Oh, right, yeah. It was a little bit fuzzy for a moment there because I'm pretty sure I'd just woken up after having my neck broken."

I shrug and simply reply with, "You deserved it."

He scoffs lightly and says, "I guess you're right."

"There's no guessing involved, Damon. You know what you did was wrong."

"Look, Elena, the last thing I need right now is a lecture."

I get up off the bed shaking my head in disbelief. "I should've known."

"Know what?"

"That you'd behave like this. It's typical Damon."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you always do this. You know you're in the wrong and you won't explain why, or hell even just apologise, instead you just act like an immature child."

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry."

I shake my head and he looks at me and says, "What? You wanted me to apologise, well, I just did."

"I don't even know why I bothered to wait for you to wake up, I'm going home," I huff, before turning and marching for the door.

* * *

** DAMON **

I contemplate letting her leave, but then change my mind and speed forward blocking her path.

"Get out of my way, Damon," she says through gritted teeth, throwing her shoulder into mine.

I grab her shoulders and pull her back so that she's looking at me squarely in the face. "Elena, I really am sorry, okay?"

She squirms from my grip and I let go of her, letting my arms fall by my side. She stands on the spot, arms folded, an impatient look on her face as she waits for me to explain myself.

"You're right, I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry that it hurt you, but I'm not sorry I did it."

She scoffs and turns to leave again, and I pull her back, saying, "I'm not sorry, because if I hadn't of done it you might be dead right now."

"So once again you do whatever it takes to keep me alive, even if it means taking my free will away from me."

"Yes! I've told you once before, I will always keep you alive, whatever it takes."

"And what about if Jeremy had been killed tonight and I could've saved him?"

"But that didn't happen."

"No, it didn't because instead Kol compelled you and Stefan to kill him!"

"I made a decision that you don't like, but guess what? I don't care, because if I hadn't of made it you might not be standing in front of me right now."

She looks on at me in disgust and I bite back saying, "This isn't about the sire bond or me forcing you to do something you didn't want to do, it's about Stefan."

"What?" she exclaims exasperated. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means, Elena. Every single time you're mad and we fight, it's about Stefan."

"What?" she exclaims again, throwing her hand to her head. "What are you talking about? It's  _you_  that makes every argument we ever have about Stefan, not me. All I wanted was an apology, Damon, that's it."

I shake my head. "No, you're mad at me for using the sire bond, because  _Stefan_  wouldn't have. Just like Stefan would save Jeremy or anyone else on the planet over you if you asked him. And I suppose you're mad at me about the fact that Stefan managed to resist Kol's compulsion, too."

She scoffs lightly and says, "The fact that you even think any of that is exactly the reason we aren't together."

Her words take me surprise and feel like a dagger in the gut.

"Even when I'm standing here with you, trying to talk about us, you still can't let go of this inferiority complex with Stefan. You can't see that this is about  _you,_ it's about me trying to talk to you like an adult and tell you how I feel."

"And how do you feel, Elena?" I ask, my voice growing louder.

"I was hurt, angry, betrayed and disappointed but, now I'm just furious."

"Well, there's nothing new there, because guess what? I am a disappointment. Damon the big fat disappointment. That's never gonna change Elena, so why don't you just accept me for who I am instead of hoping and praying that somewhere deep down inside I'm the person you want me to be? Because, I'm not! I'm a bad person, I'm a vampire and I make bad decisions and I do things that hurt people. That is who I am, Elena and I'm never gonna change!"

She takes a step back from me and exhales lightly, stunned and at a loss for words. I wait for her to speak and after a minute or so she clears her throat and says quietly, "You're right."

I wait for her to say more, but she doesn't, she just meets my eyes for a few moments, a tortured and conflicted look in her eye and then turns and leaves the room. I swing around and throw the nightstand at the wall, letting out a frustrated groan. She wasn't supposed to just walk away, she was supposed to say something,  _anything,_ but she didn't _._ I can already hear the sound of hers and Stefan's voices downstairs and I scoff to myself. She says that none of this is about Stefan, but the second she walks away from me, she is already with him and if that's not a sign that I'm right, I don't know what is.

* * *

** STEFAN **

After a few awkward words are exchanged between us, Elena heads for the front door informing me that she's heading home.

"Elena, wait, I'll drive you," I say getting up from my seat.

"No, Stefan, it's...it's fine, really. I can walk."

I look at her with raised eyebrows and she lets out a light laugh, before saying, "Okay, that would be great, thanks."

I grab my coat and we go out and get into my car. We sit in silence for the journey, with only the sound of the radio playing quietly to keep us company, but despite the uneasy atmosphere between us, I still find comfort in being in her presence.

"We're here," I announce as we pull onto her drive, distracting her from her thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, right yeah," she says absentmindedly.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine. Thanks, Stefan."

She reaches for the handle of the door and swings her leg out, then hesitates and turns back to me. "Do you...want to come in?" she asks.

I stare at her in surprise and she immediately stumbles to save herself from the embarrassment of my rejection, by saying, "No, no, of course not. It's been a long night, you need to get some sleep. It was a stupid idea. I'll just-"

"I'd love to," I answer, cutting her off.

She nods and I see her attempt to suppress the huge grin that is threatening to explode across her face. Once we're inside she wanders into the kitchen and switches the kettle on. I sit at the table and she sits across from me sighing deeply.

"Is Jeremy here?" I ask.

"He's upstairs with Bonnie. They're probably fast asleep."

I nod and look down at the table, wondering why I'm here. It's almost 2am, we're both exhausted and weary and yet here we are both fighting against the urge to sleep just so we can sit together over a mug of coffee.

"I'm sorry, Stefan. I know you probably heard everything Damon and I were saying back at the Boarding House and..." she runs her hands through her hair and sighs. "This is just all so messed up."

"Elena, it's fine."

"No, it's not fine. None of it is fine. Since the day I became a vampire, I've ruined everything. My whole life is a mess."

"How is it a mess? You're here in your home, alive, your brother is upstairs sleeping, your friends are safe, you're one step closer to being human again. What's messed up about that?" I say, attempting to comfort her and lift her spirits.

"I lost you," she replies, without hesitation.

I sigh and my eyes fall down to the table.

"Elena...you could...you could never lose me," I say my voice quiet.

When I look up, her intense eyes are already on me and when I meet her gaze, I can feel the nervous energy that is between us, that never fails to get my heart racing and render me breathless.

"How do you do it?" she asks.

"Do what?"

"After everything I've done to you, you still...you're still there for me. You're always there for everyone."

I shrug and bow my head in modesty and I can feel her eyes burning into me. The kettle boils and she gets up from her seat and returns in less than a minute, with two mugs of steaming hot coffee. I thank her and lift it to my lips and take a sip. I'm not sure if it's just because I know it was made by her hand, but it is the best cup of coffee I've had in a long time and I can't help but close my eyes and breathe it in, as I feel my entire body flow with warmth and relax beneath me. There's so much to be said that neither one of us seems to be able to find the words and so we quietly sip on our coffees for a few minutes. After almost losing her tonight, just seeing her sat across the table from me is all I need.

"I was reading my journal the other day and it got me thinking. Some of the stuff in there is barely a memory. Since I turned it's like everything has become distorted. I lost myself in the blood and everything else."

I nod. "I know what that's like."

"But things have started to get clearer. I don't want to be that person anymore."

"And you don't have to be. When we find the cure-"

"No, even if we don't find the cure, I need to find a way to be a vampire and still be me."

I nod approvingly and she inhales, then meets my eyes a coy look on her face.

"Stefan...I've...I've been thinking about...about you, about us and..."

"Elena..." I say softly, leaning forward and shaking my head, causing her to fall silent immediately. "Please, if you're going to say what I think you're going to say...don't."

She looks at me puzzled and I go on to say, "I'm sorry, I just...I don't want you to say anything you're gonna regret."

"Why...why would I say something I regret?" she stammers.

"Because I knew you felt something for Damon long before you slept with him and I kept waiting for you to realise it, to finally admit it to yourself and to me, but you never did and...you still haven't."

"I..."

"Even after everything I went through with Klaus, when I looked you in the eye and asked you to admit it, you couldn't, because you're so terrified that loving him makes you a bad person, and I get it, believe me I get it, but it doesn't."

"Stefan, why are you saying this?"

"Because until you admit it, you will never be able to let it go. You didn't just sleep with Damon because of the sire bond, you slept with him because you  _feel_  something for him and if you're going to say what I think you were just going to say to me and mean it, you  _need_  to be sure. You need to sort things with Damon."

"Or maybe I should just do what I said I would do in the first place and walk away from both of you."

I raise my eyebrows at her and say, "If you were going to do that, you would've done it already."

She looks at me and I can see in her eyes that she knows I'm right. The second she said that she was going to walk away, she knew she didn't mean it and she still doesn't, because she can't walk away from us anymore than Damon and I can walk away from her. We're connected, all of us, by the love we have for one another, no matter how twisted or wrong it might be.

* * *

** ELENA **

Our conversation swiftly moves to small talk about our plans for the next few days in regards to the cure, and after we've finished our coffees we move over to the couch. I don't tear my eyes away from him for even a second and catch myself just staring at him, the realisation of how strongly I still feel for him hitting me more and more with each passing second we spend together. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter what we go through we seem to always remain the same. After just 10 minutes we fall right back into the swing of things. We bounce off each other, we always have and conversation flows consistently, with just the right amount of laughter and childish play in between. I get so caught up in being with him, that any tiredness I was feeling earlier completely slips away and I feel wide awake, refreshed with a new lease of energy from being in his company.

The dim lighting makes his eyes appear brown and they are framed by lines from the smile that scarcely leaves his face. There's something about being around him at moments like this, when all conscious thought disappears and all that exists is instinct, driven pure emotion. As the minutes pass I feel myself leaning in closer to him, my legs shifting towards his, my body twisting to face him, every part of me gravitating to him. I can sense that he feels everything that I feel, but I also know that he will not act on it. He meant what he said earlier about me, about Damon and he won't even contemplate doing something that could confuse our already complicated relationship. He set the boundaries and his conscience will make sure that he doesn't overstep those boundaries. In a strange way, I'm glad, because as right as it might feel in this moment, everything he said earlier was true. I've already put him through so much and if he and I have any kind of future, it needs to happen at the right time and in the right way. At this exact moment in time my head is completely clear and all I can see is him, but that isn't enough. There are times when I'm with Damon that the same happens. When the world temporarily fades away and all that fills me is him.

As exhaustion begins to take over the two of us, our voices trail off and we fall silent, our eyes drooping and our bodies slumped, and just as I'm verging on unconsciousness I replay Damon's conversation in my head. No matter how much I try to ignore it there's a pit of sadness in my stomach at how I left things with him. Even now when I'm still seething with what he did, I cannot seem to suppress the desperate need to fix him, to fix us. He was right, I am always trying to change him. I thought that it was righteous and that it came from a place of compassion, because I'm trying to help him be a better person, but what if that's just my way of attempting to justify it? Things are always so different with Stefan. Even when he falls and hits rock bottom, there's part of me that's never afraid of what he will do or what he's capable of, because I know in his heart of hearts he is a decent person, maybe even more so than me. But with Damon...I feel so out of control. I struggle and I claw with all my might to cling to the best parts of him, but I never seem to be able to do it. There's something in him that is so impulsive and reckless and whilst it makes me curious and excited, it also terrifies me. And that's why no matter how much I may know it deep inside myself, I can never admit my feelings for him. Stefan knows me better than I know myself and there are times, like tonight, when he vocalises the emotions that I feel but have not yet acknowledged, and what he said about Damon was true.

I feel Stefan shift beside me and my eyes open. His head is flopped back on the back of the couch, his eyes are closed and he's breathing steadily. I look down and the back of his hand is resting on the couch, his palm facing up. I reach out and trace my fingers along the lines on his hand, before shifting in closer to him and resting my head on his shoulder. When I was human, I would often get cold hands or feet and my body would be drawn to the warmth of his flesh, but as a vampire I rarely if ever get cold, and yet I still feel that same warmth radiating from him, pulling me in. Even though he's half asleep he is still so naturally used to the feel of my body against his, that he lifts his arm and drapes it over my shoulders, pulling me into him until my head is resting on his chest. I close my eyes and smile to myself, contentment and completeness filling me up and as I drift off the words, "I love you, Stefan," leave my mouth, barely a whisper on the wind.

* * *

** STEFAN **

"I missed you so much," I say, leaning into her and sweeping her hair over her shoulder.

"I missed you, too. Let's never be apart again."

"I'm okay with that," I reply.

She giggles lightly and moves in, pressing her lips against mine softly. I open my eyes to see her already looking back at me, and this moment is too precious, too important to be rushed, so I remain gazing at her for a few minutes, just stroking her face with my hand and occasionally grazing her mouth or nose with my lips. She's the one that gives in first and throws herself into me, putting her legs at either side of me, wrapping her hands about my back and pulling me hard and close against her body, kissing me with a desperate and hungry passion that leaves me breathless. I can feel her breasts against my chest and she groans against my mouth as her tongue flits over mine in perfect rhythm.

"I love you," she moans. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

She says it over and over and each time I hear the words leave her it spurs me on and a growl escapes me as I push her back down onto the couch, kissing her harder and faster.

"Ah, here we go again," a voice says, causing me to jerk my head up.

"What?" I question. I scan the room and see Damon slowly emerge from the shadows across the room, his face straight and serious. "Damon?"

"You don't really believe that do you? Take a closer look, brother."

Suddenly I'm across the room where Damon just stood and he is the one that is on top of her as she frantically reaches for his face, pulling it down to hers.

"No!" I yell.

Damon leans up from her mouth to meet my face and has a smile on his face. "Yes," he says. "This is what she  _really_  wants and you and I both know it."

I shake my head and close my eyes and whisper 'no' as I pray for this nightmare to end, but Damon grabs me and shakes me, shouting loudly in my face, "Don't close your eyes! You can't keep running away from this, brother. You have to face the truth sooner or later."

I push him from me violently and he stumbles back and then laughs. I see her get up from the couch and she slithers over to him, winding her hands about him from behind and planting kisses on his neck. He closes his eyes and bends his head to the side, to allow her easier access to his neck and moans quietly with pleasure, before opening his eyes to meet mine.

"Now, you know how it feels when you're nobody's first choice."

I shake my head. "Stop," I say, unable to hear another word.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" he asks, coming closer to me. "Welcome to the last 164 years of my life."

"Stop it, Damon," I say through gritted teeth.

He reaches behind himself for her hand and leads her round, so that she's standing in front of him then he twists her so that she's facing me. "Go ahead, tell him how you feel."

Her eyes are on me, but it's as though she's looking straight through me and it sends a cold shiver through my body.

"I don't love you, I never loved you. How could I ever love the man that turned me into a monster just like him?"

Her face transforms and her eyes turn red, veins protrude from her face, she scowls at me, her fangs bared and covered in the blood that is smeared over her clothes and face.

"It's all because of you. All of it. You made me who I am today; the vampire that loves Damon Salvatore."

"Elena...no. I love you, I still love you..."

"Love?" she exclaims with a scoff. "Is that what you call it? If you loved me you would've saved me."

"I...I tried...I didn't mean for that to happen...I never wanted that...I...I've regretted it every day since."

"Oh, how sweet."

"Elena, please, this isn't you."

"No, this is the new and improved me!" she yells, twirling around on the spot.

Damon steps forward and wraps his arm about her, a smug smile on his face.

"You," I scowl. " _You_  did this to her."

"It's always easier to blame someone else for your mistakes isn't it, brother? When are you going to face up to the fact that  _everything_  that happens is your fault? Just admit that Elena is better off without you. All you've done is ruin her life over and over again. But now...she's with me and she loves  _me._ I'm the best thing for her and unlike you, I will keep her safe and happy."

The rage suddenly explodes out of me and I pounce, yelling out "No! Elena is better off dead than with you!" I reach into his chest and pull out his heart, throwing it across the room. A smug smile comes across his face as he says, "Thank you...for proving me right," and then his face fades to give way to Elena's.

"No," I whisper in disbelief. "Elena, no, no, no. No, no, no. NO!" I scream, catching her lifeless body in my arms.

Her face is grey, her eyes closed and there is a hollow and bloody hole in her chest where her heart should be. I feel my world collapse from underneath me, as I cling to her with all my might, a river of tears spilling from my eyes and onto her.

"Elena? Elena, hey. Open your eyes. Please, no, no. Please. Please," I sob.

Damon's voice echoes through the room one final time saying, "This is how it ends, brother."

The agonising screams that escape me are infinite as is the crippling pain that scorches every cell in my body. Suddenly more yells fill the room, but they're different. They're deeper and mingle with a female's screams. I search the room and feel Elena slip out of my arms. I get to my feet and feel the room spin about me, as confusion takes hold.

"Stefan! Stefan! Stefan, wake up!"

My body jerks underneath me and as I'm ripped from the nightmare, my eyes fall upon Elena's concerned face. The screams continue and I realise they're coming from upstairs. Elena takes off and I follow her to Jeremy's room. We barge in through the door, to find Bonnie standing across the room from the bed, staring on at Jeremy who is kneeling on the bed. He squirms uncomfortably and Elena and I watch on in shock and terror as he rips open his shirt and a swell of green ink appears across every inch of his body.

"Oh, my god..." Elena whispers from beside me.

"The map."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the map complete, the group are one step closer to the cure. Stefan recruits Caroline's help to convince Klaus to hand over the sword and Elena finally admits her feelings for Damon.

** ELENA **

Bonnie comes in from the kitchen and hands a cup of coffee to Jeremy, and he thanks her.

"Want one?" she asks, looking over at Stefan and I.

I shake my head and Stefan gets up from his seat and says, "No, thanks, I should, um, probably get back home. I'll call you later."

His eyes meet mine and then he leaves through the door. Jeremy cups the mug in his hand and practically has his nose in it. He's reserved and withdrawn, and it concerns me, particularly given the fierce determination and strength he has displayed recently. I'm not sure if it's simply because he's tired from the events of last night or if there is something more to it, but I want to find out.

"Jer, are you okay?" I ask. "Maybe you should go back to bed and get some rest. You must've barely slept."

He shakes his head and says, "I'm fine," but I know him well enough to know he is lying.

Bonnie walks over and sits beside him, taking his hand in hers and sighing softly. "It's okay, Jeremy. You went through a lot last night, we all did..."

"It's not that. It's just...we've just been so focused on killing Kol and getting this," he says holding up his hand that is now visibly covered in tattoos, "and I dunno...now that we have...what if the map isn't even what we think it is?"

"Jeremy, we're all afraid and unsure," Bonnie says. "None of us know what the map will lead to or if we'll even be able to decode it, but it's all we have."

He nods. "I know."

I get up and sit the other side of him. "Jer, I know how you feel. I've questioned myself a million times, wondered if we're doing the right thing. And last night when I thought I might lose you...I've pushed you too much and I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry."

"No, no, I wanted to do this. No one forced me."

"I know, but still, the second I knew that you'd have to kill vampires to get the map I should've stopped it. I shouldn't have put you through that, I should be protecting you."

"Elena, you've always protected me," he insists reaching for my hand.

"If you don't want to find this cure, we won't. I don't care about any of that, you're what matters to me and if you don't want any part of this...we'll stop."

"No, we won't stop," he replies firmly. "You've been through so much, you became a vampire when you never wanted to be and I'm going to do this for you, Elena. I'm going to give you your life back."

Tears well up in my eyes and I lean into him. He clings to me tightly and I see Bonnie's approving smile over his shoulder.

"So, I guess all we need to do now is try and convince Klaus to decode the map," he says.

I nod and wipe the tear that has rolled down my cheek with the back of my hand. "Yeah," I say with a sniff.

"It's not gonna be easy," he adds.

"Klaus still wants to find the cure, he's just sulking because he can't be the one to take charge and find it himself. He'll help once he lets go of his pride."

"You sound so sure," Bonnie says.

"I am, because everything we've ever faced, we've overcome and I have to believe that we will this time, too, otherwise all of this will have been for nothing."

* * *

** STEFAN **

On the drive home, my mind is filled with anxiety that is no doubt made worse by the lack of rest I've had. My body has barely had chance to catch up with the trauma of going up against Kol, and then the conversation I had with Elena has left me feeling restless and there's no time for rest, because now we have the map and need to proceed to the next step of the plan; convincing Klaus to decode it.

When I get to the house Damon is no where in sight, so I go up to his bedroom and find him still sleeping. I don't hesitate in waking him, eager to share the news about the map. I gently poke his shoulder and he immediately jerks up.

"You better have a damn good reason for waking me up. I was dreaming about ponies."

"The map...it grew."

"What?" he asks wide eyed, propping himself up on his elbow. "How do you know?"

I consider lying to him for a moment, but don't. There's already been so many lies and secrets between us over the years and I want that to change. "I just got back from Elena's."

He inhales deeply and bites his lip. "Oh. I guess I should've expected that."

"I drove her home last night and fell asleep on the couch."

He nods, but the look on his face tells me that he doesn't believe a word I'm saying.

"And you're telling me this because?"

I look at him in surprise. "Because this is everything we've been trying to do. The plan to kill Kol was all so that we could get the map. We're one step closer, Damon."

"Well, I'm not really in a celebrating mood today."

"So you're not going to help with Klaus?"

He laughs lightly and says, "Help? You and I both know there's no chance we're convincing him to help us. That guy can hold an even worse grudge than me."

"Fine, stay here and sulk about Elena. But I'm going to Klaus'."

I hear him scowl as I leave the room, but ignore him and go to shower. My head is still bubbling with a million thoughts, but I'm too physically exhausted to process any of them. I shower in 5 minutes, change into clean clothes and then reach for my journal and flop down onto my bed. I open to a blank page and write the date, then sigh and discard the pen, not knowing what to write. I feel agitated and restless, but cannot seem to decipher what is bothering me enough to write about it, so instead I wander downstairs for blood, hoping that the blood will clear my head and give me a new lease of energy. Instead of glugging the blood back in one sitting, I pour some into a glass and sip on it, whilst in front of the fire. I bashed Damon for sulking in bed, but honestly, I feel like doing the same, but I know I can't, so instead I decide to keep busy. I take out my phone and text Caroline to ask if I can come over. She replies within 5 minutes to say yes and I gulp down the last of the blood in my glass and set off.

When I arrive Liz is at work and Tyler is at home with Matt, which I'm thankful for because what I want to say to Caroline I want to say to her alone.

"So what's up?" she asks the second I'm through the door.

I turn to her and say, "The map grew last night. Well, the early hours of this morning."

"What?" she exclaims in surprise. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"I don't know, but that's not the point. I want you to help me with Klaus."

She sighs and rolls her eyes. "Seriously, Stefan?"

"Caroline, he likes you, we all know that and we need him to decode the map. No one else knows how to read the sword. Hell, we don't even know where the sword is. If we can't convince him to help us, everything we've done will have been for nothing and I think if anyone's going to convince him, it's going to be you."

She throws back her head and groans. "Okay, I'll do it."

"Thanks, Caroline," I say with a grateful smile. "So, let's go."

"What now?"

"Yeah. The sooner we do this the better."

"What about the others? Elena will want to be there and so will Jeremy."

I shake my head. "They don't need to be there. It was a long night last night and I think we'll do better if it's just you and me."

"Yeah, I don't know Stefan..." she says uncertainty on her face.

"Caroline, I wouldn't ask unless it was important. I really just think that..."

"Okay! Okay, I'll come with you. Happy?"

I nod, give her a smile and thank her again and she informs me that she needs to go and grab her stuff. I wait in the hall for her and ponder over what will happen with Klaus and how best to play it. Klaus is not forgiving in nature and even if we hadn't of betrayed him he wouldn't go out of his way to help us, so we need to persuade him by reminding him how finding the cure will benefit  _him,_ not us _._

"I'm ready," Caroline announces, her coat wrapped about her and bag over her shoulder.

We take my car and arrive at Klaus' in 5 minutes. Before we're even through the door I can hear Shane's desperate shouts and we dash inside. Upon seeing us Klaus says, "Oh, nice for you to make an appearance."

"What's going on?" I ask. "What's wrong with him?"

"Professor Shane is still locked up. He's been at it all night. I'm guessing it's probably because he hasn't had any food or water since you were last here."

I roll my eyes and say, "I'll see to him."

Caroline pulls my arm as I start to walk away and I look back to her and ask, "What's up?"

"What's up? What do I say to him?"

I shrug. "The truth."

She sighs and eyes me for a few moments and then I take off to the kitchen. I whip up a ham sandwich and take a couple of bottles of water and head for Klaus' room. I can't help but listen in on Klaus and Caroline's conversation, but all I hear is Caroline inform him about the map and Kol, and then silence. I lift the door under Klaus' bed and Shane calls out, "Oh, thank god!"

I jump down and land on two feet and Shane is immediately at me, grabbing for the food and water from my hand. He simultaneously pours the water down his throat and forces the sandwich in his mouth and I look on at him in disgust. He looks disheveled, as though he hasn't washed in days and the room has a foul smell which I can only assume is coming from the bucket in the back corner of the room.

"I know Klaus is...indisposed at the moment, but I at least thought Bonnie would take care of me."

"And why would you think that?" I ask.

"Because she cares about me."

I scoff. "Are you sure about that?"

"Where is she?"

"She's where she should be," I reply cryptically, before turning and heading back for the door.

"So how did it go with Kol?" he asks.

I swing around and frown, asking, "How do you know about that?"

"Bonnie told me."

"Bonnie told you?"

"I told you, Stefan. She cares about me, she tells me things."

"Yeah, well, it's none of your business."

He shrugs and carries on eating his sandwich, and this time I do leave, unable to withstand another minute in his presence. Just as I'm about to shut the door on him he shouts up, "Make sure someone brings me more food and water later! And a shower would be nice!" I slam the door on him without responding and head back to Caroline and Klaus.

When I get in the room, Klaus is sat on the couch, quiet fury on his face and Caroline sits on a couch the other side of the veil, her phone out. I go up to her and drag her by her arm, pulling her out of the room and into the kitchen. I turn on the blender to prevent Klaus from hearing us and say, "What are you doing?"

"What?"

"You're just sitting there. The whole idea of this is to talk to him."

"Stefan, he just found out his brother's dead. He might be evil, but even he has a heart somewhere in there. I think he might need a moment."

Caroline is always so strong-headed that I forget how sensitive and kind she truly is. Even I struggle to see the good in Klaus a majority of the time, but she doesn't. But in this case I'm not sure if that makes her kind or foolish.

"Okay, we'll give him a minute," I say.

"Did Shane have anything interesting to say?"

I ponder over what he said about Bonnie and for some reason, I doubt whether to share it with Caroline.

"Stefan?" she says waving her hand in my face when I don't respond.

"Um...no. No, he didn't say much of anything. Just that he needed someone to bring him more food and water later, and that he wanted a shower. Apparently, Klaus has been taking good care of him."

"Are you kidding? Bonnie said he was more like a pet than a prisoner."

"Yeah, weird," I say and we both let out a light laugh, although something about Shane has left me feeling unsettled. "Is there any reason we're keeping him alive?"

"Stefan!" she says slapping me. "He's a human being, we can't just kill him."

"Yeah, a human being that tried to kill us. I just...I don't trust him."

"What's not to trust? He's locked up in a basement. What can he possibly do?"

I shrug and reply with, "Ah, I guess you're right."

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I take it out to see a that it's a text from Elena.

"Who is it?" Caroline asks.

"It's Elena."

A tone goes off on Caroline's phone a second later and she takes her phone out, holding it out to me and saying, "Elena."

We both read aloud the same text that says: "Killing Kol worked, map complete. Meet at Klaus' at 2."

I look up to see worry on Caroline's face.

"I knew we shouldn't have come."

"Caroline, relax. We're not breaking the law, and anyway, if we can convince Klaus before they get here, we'll be doing everyone a favour. We have just over two hours, so come on, let's talk to Klaus," I say, reaching over to turn off the blender and heading out of the door.

* * *

** ELENA **

"Stefan? Damon?" I call, stepping through the door to the Boarding House.

It's dimly lit and eerily silent, so I call their names again and Damon appears from upstairs.

"Oh, Damon, hi."

"Sorry to disappoint, but Stefan isn't here," he says.

"He isn't?"

He shakes his head. "Nope, he's over at Klaus'."

"Klaus'? What-Why is he there now?"

"I dunno. If you want to know go and ask him yourself," he says shortly, before turning to head back upstairs.

"Damon, wait," I say, running forward a few steps. "I actually wanted to talk to you."

"I think we said everything we needed to last night."

"I didn't. You were right."

"Huh, makes a change," he says sarcastically.

"I do try to change you, but not for the reason you think. I do it because I see the good in you, Damon. I've seen that you're capable of kindness and love, and this thing with the sire bond proves it."

"Does it?"

"Yes, it does. Because the second you found out you distanced yourself from me. You didn't take advantage, at least not until last night."

He scoffs. "And that makes me a good person? Elena, do you have any idea how hard it is for me? To fight the urge to use the sire bond every single second of every day, knowing that with just a few words I could change everything, that you'd stay with me instead of going back to Stefan."

"But that's the point, Damon, you don't do that."

"Because I want it to be real!" he exclaims throwing his hands into the air. "All I want...all I've ever wanted is for you to want me, to love me the way I love you and if that's going to happen...I want it to be real."

"I don't know what will happen if I take the cure and become human, but right now, the way I feel about you...it's real."

"But there's just one problem; it's not enough. When this is all over and you're human again and the sire bond is gone, you'll go straight back to Stefan, just like you always do."

I want to argue against that, because I know it's what he wants, but I can't. I meet his eyes and he says, "See?"

"Damon..."

"No!" he shouts, holding up his hands. "Just...just end it, Elena. I can't keep holding on for nothing and I'll never be able to let go until you finally admit the truth. Just say it, I need to hear it. Please."

"I...I love Stefan."

The second the words leave my lips I hear him inhale sharply, as though the words are like a bullet to him.

"You know that. You've always known it."

"So why don't you just let me go, Elena?" he explodes. "Why keep clinging to me all this time, giving me hope that there was a future for us, when you've known all along? Is it just some sort of game to you?"

"No, of course not."

"Then what is it? Why do you always do this? If you love Stefan why did you break up with him and tell me it was because of me? Why did you sleep with me? Why do you keep coming back? Why? Why? Why?!"

He shouts the question, getting louder and louder each time and I feel myself explode as I scream the words, "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"

He falls silent immediately and when I look at him, he is scarcely breathing and looks on at me through wide eyes. My legs tremble beneath me and I take a shuddering breath and say, "It wasn't because of the sire bond. I did...what I did because I wanted to. Since the second I started to feel something for you, I denied it, because I didn't understand how I could feel that way about such a terrible person and I think maybe...maybe I try so hard to change you, because I'm hoping it will make myself feel better, but it won't. Not until I just stop running and admit the truth to myself and to you."

I look down at the ground and wait for him to respond, but the room is silent apart from the rapid rhythm of his heart.

* * *

** DAMON **

I try to find the words to respond, but I have forgotten how to speak, how to breathe.  _She loves me?_  Is this really happening? Did she really just say those three words that I have been longing to hear for so long? I have imagined this moment a million times in my mind, and every time my only response was to run at her, take her in my arms, kiss her and not stop until sunrise. But this is reality, not a fantasy. There is no happy ending for us.

"I'm sorry," she says shaking her head. "I've been so selfish and I know that. I don't know why I'm like this. You're right, I should let you go and I've tried, I've really tried...but I can't. I don't want to lose you, Damon. I've already lost so many people and..." she trails off with a sigh.

"You don't have to lose me," I say running up to her suddenly and taking her hands in mine. "We can be together. You and me. We can leave town, just leave. We can forget about Klaus and Kol and the cure and everything else. We can start again."

Her head tilts to the side and tears are reflected in her eyes. "Damon..." she says softly shaking her head.

"So...when you say you love me, you don't love me enough to choose me. To choose me over Stefan."

"This isn't about choosing..."

"Oh, come on, Elena! Do you really believe that or are you just deluding yourself? This isn't a two for one sale, it doesn't work that way. You have to choose."

"I know, okay? I know that!" she explodes.

I groan with frustration and say, "This is all so messed up."

"I know."

"Why can't we just finish this? Why do we keep going round and round in circles? It's 1864 all over again."

"Don't say that," she says, hurt in her eyes.

"Why not? It's true. Over a century later and here we are again. Me and my brother fighting over the love of another Petrova doppelganger."

"Damon, please."

"What? You don't want to hear it? Well, I'm sorry, Elena, it's just the truth. You say you want to stop running, so stop running. Stop living in denial and start seeing this for what it really is."

"Okay! Fine!" she yells, an unexpected fit of anger taking her over. "You want me to start seeing this for what it really is? You want me to choose? It's over. There, that's my choice."

"What do you mean 'it's over'?"

"I mean, us. You and me, whatever this..." she points between us, "...is, it's over. I can't do it anymore."

"So, that's it?"

"Uh-huh. If you can't be mature about this, then what's the point?"

"Me, mature?  _You're_  the one that is having her cake and eating it too. I might be a bad person, Elena, but at least I don't pretend to be something I'm not. You know, I could make this whole moral dilemma a lot easier for you if I used the sire bond. I could force you to make a choice."

She frowns at me and says, "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I? I'm pretty sure it would solve all of our problems."

"I'd never forgive you."

"As always, you use emotional blackmail to stop me from doing something you don't want me to do."

"Damon, just stop. Stop this. This is getting us no where. I don't want to fight with you. The whole reason I came here was to sort things out between us."

"And how do you expect to do that, Elena?" I ask.

"By doing what you said; letting you go. It doesn't matter how I feel about you or if I...if I love you..."

She says the words as though they're poison and I realise that even now she's disgusted and ashamed of how she feels for me.

"...it doesn't change the fact that we'll never be together."

"Why? Because it's Stefan you want to be with?"

She shakes her head. "This isn't about Stefan, Damon, it's about me. I don't want to be with you or anyone else right now. I'm just...I'm not in a place where I can be anyone's girlfriend. I'm only 18 years old. I'm still adjusting to being a vampire and I'm still trying to figure out who I am and I...I can't do any of that if I'm with you."

It feels like this is the first honest conversation we've had in months, and although I don't particularly like what she's saying, part of me is relieved that she's not holding back the truth anymore.

"So...what? We just go back to being friends? Forget about everything that's happened between us?"

She shrugs her shoulders and shifts on her feet. "I dunno...I guess...I guess so."

"What if I can't do that? What if I don't  _want_  to do that?"

My anger seems to immediately evaporate and I completely forget why we were fighting just seconds ago. All I know is that I love her and having heard her finally tell me she loves me back was exhilarating, but to then find out in the same sentence that we can't be together is...excruciating.

"This is what I want, Damon and you have to respect that. We still care about each other and we'll still be in each other's lives, it'll just be...different."

That's the understatement of the century, I think to myself.

"I just...I don't want to leave without knowing that we're going to be okay. Are we...going to be okay?" she asks, searching my face anxiously.

I take a deep breath in before nodding. A relieved smile comes across her face and she says, "By the way, did you get my text this morning?"

And just like that, it's already forgotten. At least in her mind, anyway.

"The one about meeting at Klaus' at 2? Yep."

"So, are you coming?"

I shake my head. "Think I'll pass."

"Pass? Why?"

"Not in the mood."

For a moment I think she's going to press me further, but she decides against it and simply nods. "Okay, well I'll keep you updated."

"Great," I reply, not attempting to hide my lack of enthusiasm.

"So...I'll see you later?" she says with uncertainty, her body twisted towards the door, her head wound to face me. I can see that she's still unsure about our conversation and that she's doubting my ability to truly move on and be "just friends", but I reassure her by giving her a smile and replying with, "Yeah, see you later."

She leaves after that and the second she is out the door and her car has pulled off the driveway I grab the nearest item to me, which happens to be a vase and smash it against the wall in a fit of frustration. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. The first time Elena told me she loved me, was supposed to be the best day of my life but instead it's...this. Part of me wishes that she hadn't said it at all, because it would've made it easier to accept what she was saying. But instead all I can do is question her decision. If she loves me why has she just walked away? Why can she still not bring herself to choose me? In her mind, she probably has clarity, but me...I'm more confused than before, because if she loved me even a fraction as much as I loved her, she would move heaven and earth for me and  _nothing,_  certainly not some quest to "find herself", would stop her from being with me. I speed into the kitchen, grab a bottle of bourbon from the drinks cabinet and return the spot on my bed that is still warm so as to resume my wallowing.

* * *

** STEFAN **

"So...Klaus," I say, folding my arms and standing facing him. He's pacing up and down the room, just behind the veil, a scowl on his face. "I think we need to talk."

He continues pacing and doesn't respond. I twist my head and look over my shoulder at Caroline. She looks concerned, and I know that in spite of everything there's part of her that sympathises with Klaus and that is genuinely sorry for the part she played in his brother's murder. It's a sense of guilt that comes from the same place as my guilt for being the one responsible for Rebekah lying grey and lifeless under a blanket, at the back corner of the room.

"Look, Klaus, you can give us the silent treatment all you want, but we're going to keep coming back here until you agree to help us. I'm sorry about Kol, but it's done. We've got the map and we can finally find the cure. So, help us."

He stops in the center of the room and then swivels to face me. "You really should've thought of that before you betrayed me."

I sigh. "We didn't betray you, Klaus, we did what we had to do to get what we need. We're still allies."

He scoffs and throws his head back, as he laughs dramatically. "Is that so? And if you were in my position, would you help me? If I'd just killed Damon and locked you in this godforsaken room. Would you?"

I meet his eyes and then drop them to the ground and he says, "That's what I thought."

"You're wrong. I would do whatever it took to get the cure for Elena. So, the answer to your question is, yes. Nothing has changed, Klaus-"

"EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED!" he explodes, stamping his foot onto the ground and causing the entire house to shake.

"No, it hasn't. The reason you wanted to find this cure was so you could use Elena's blood to create more hybrids, you still want that. But we can't do it until you decode the map."

I hear the front door open then and swing around to see Elena stood at the threshold.

"Elena," I say, my breath catching in my throat. "What...what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming until 2."

"I wasn't, until Damon told me that you were here." She looks to Caroline and says, "What are you doing? We all should be here."

"Don't blame, Caroline. It was my idea. I thought after everything Jeremy had been through last night it was better if he sat this one out."

"That's not your decision to make," she replies.

I bow my head apologetically and she walks over to Klaus, before turning to face us and asking, "How's it going?"

I shake my head and say, "Not here."

I head for the door and she begins to follow, then I turn back to Caroline and say, "Keep an eye on him." Klaus rolls his eyes like a thirteen year old who is being babysat by his annoying older sibling, but I know that some part of him is probably glad to have a moment alone with her.

When we get outside we speed across the other side of the grounds in an attempt to avoid Klaus' prying ears, but I can't imagine he's too interested in our topic of conversation with Caroline standing in front of him. She comes to a standstill with her back facing me, and I hear her attempt to suppress the sound of her deep inhalation. She's nervous, and I know it's because of last night. It's strange, because I feel that same sense of uncertainty, of not knowing where I stand, but the familiarity of being with her last night and the contentment it brought me has in some ways made me feel closer to her again, because for just one night we were us again.

"Stefan...what are you doing here?"

"What does it look like? I'm trying to get Klaus to help us with the map."

"But we were all supposed to do that together."

"We don't all need to be here. We have more of a chance of getting through to him the less of us there is."

"And Caroline? Why does she need to be here?" she asks, as though she's hurt I chose to bring Caroline instead of her.

"You know why. He likes her and if anyone can get through to him, she can."

She sighs and says, "I don't like it, but I guess I get why you did it. How's it going with him so far?" she asks turning to face me and gesturing towards the house.

"Oh, you know...it's Klaus."

She nods and bites her lip. "So, he's refusing to help?"

"Yeah..." I admit, "...but we're not giving up. I know he'll change his mind. We just wounded his pride and right now he's too stubborn to do anything that even remotely involves helping us. I'll stay here all night with him if I have to."

Her mouth parts slightly and the way she looks at me reminds me once again that regardless of whether or not we're split up there is still something between us, even if it's just respect and admiration.

"How's Jeremy?" I ask.

She sighs lightly and then nods. "He seems okay. He's still at home with Bonnie."

"He doesn't know you're here?"

"No," she replies shaking her head. "I didn't know you were here. I went to the Boarding House and Damon told me."

My eyes immediately fall to the ground at hearing the mention of Damon's name, the thought of the two of them being alone, even if it's innocent, still causes me so much anxiety, and after our conversation about him last night I'm even more nervous about the next thing that will leave her lips.

"You saw Damon?" I ask, my stomach churning.

"After what you said last night I...I just wanted to see him and talk to him."

"And?"

"And...I realised that you were right. I was in denial. I've been running from the truth, doing everything I could to deny it because I was afraid of what would happen if I would, but the truth is, the worst has already happened. So, I just...I told him the truth."

"Which is?"

She meets my eyes nervously and tilts her head, reluctant to tell me.

"Stefan, I..."

"Elena, it's fine. I want to know," I say.

"I...I told him that I love him."

Even though I've already known that she's loved Damon for a while now, hearing it confirmed aloud still feels like a dagger to the heart. She must sense the impact of her words on me because she immediately takes a step forward and reaches out her hand to me.

"Stefan...I'm...I'm not in love with him...I just..."

"It's okay, you don't have to explain."

"No, I do...what I feel for Damon...it's different...I can't explain," she says hanging her head. "But it doesn't matter, because I will never be with him. I don't want to be and I told him that. You were right about that, too. So much has happened lately and I need to focus on me. I don't think I've ever really done that. Not even when my parents died and I just...I really need it, you know?"

I nod, an empathetic smile on my face, because I do know and I support her one hundred percent. Her happiness and well being means everything to me, even it means that we can't be together or if I have to spend the rest of my life waiting for her. I understand now that if we are ever to be together again in the future, she needs to be content within herself first and that means that this time is essential for her, for  _us_.

"I understand."

"Thanks, Stefan," she says with gratitude and a warm smile. "I don't deserve this."

"Don't deserve what?"

"This," she says gesturing to me. "You, being so nice to me. I still don't understand how you do it."

I look to the ground, scratch my head and say, "I'll always be here for you, Elena."

"Even after everything I've done?"

"We've both made mistakes and we've both hurt each other, and what happened with you and Damon...I wasn't completely faultless. I put you through hell when I left with Klaus and there's not a day that goes by where I don't regret it, but...it happened and all we can do now is move forward and..."

"Get on with our lives," she says, finishing the sentence that hasn't yet left my lips.

I meet her gaze and nod. "Yeah. Yeah, we have to get on with our lives."

In the weeks that we've broken up, there's been both physical and emotional distance between us, but the intimacy of being with her last night has once again made me hungry for her and although I didn't expect it, any animosity I felt towards her about our break-up seems to have significantly faded and I can't find it in my heart to carry any sort of ill feeling toward her. I take a couple of steps towards her and reach my hand out, and there's no conscious thought involved, it's purely instinctual, because regardless of the circumstances I yearn for her and even the simple act of skin on skin contact with her is as natural to me as breathing. She looks down at it, unsure at first, but then moves her hand and entwines her fingers with mine, before looking back up at my face, a content and peaceful smile on her face. Her fingers mesh with mine as though they were made for me, and we remain hand in hand for countless minutes. Neither of us speak, we just exist and I feel tranquility come over me, as the world around me grows quiet and the issues with Klaus and the cure temporarily disappear from my mind.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Stefan and Elena spend the day together and recapture old feelings, Damon struggles to deal with Elena's recent declaration of love. Bonnie has a secret that gets uncovered, leaving Elena and Caroline hurt and confused, but is there anything else she's hiding?

** STEFAN **

I hear the sound of a car engine approaching and Elena and I both swing our heads around, to see Bonnie's car pull up on the drive. We let go of each other's hands abruptly and go to greet her. By the time we get to the car her she's turning of the ignition and the sight of us causes her to gasp.

"Oh! Elena, Stefan...I didn't...I didn't know you were here," she says, getting out of the car. "I thought you weren't coming until 2."

"I wasn't, but Damon told me Stefan and Caroline were here so I came. Why are you here? Where's Jeremy?"

"He fell asleep on the couch, he was exhausted. I actually..." her eyes drop to the ground and she looks uncomfortable. "I came to see Shane."

"Shane?" Elena questions her eyebrows raised.

She nods. "I wanted to check on him. Give him some food and water, since Klaus hasn't been able to."

"No need," I say stepping forward. "I already saw to him earlier."

"Oh...did he...? Did he say anything?"

"About what?" I question.

She shrugs and I eye her for a moment before replying with, "He just scoffed down his sandwich and moaned about dying of starvation. And he mentioned something about wanting a shower..."

She nods and I sense that there is something off, although I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

"Is Caroline inside?" she asks.

Elena nods. "We left her alone with Klaus for a while, to see if she could get through to him."

"And how's it going with him? Is he willing to help with the map?"

I shake my head. "He's still refusing."

She sighs lightly and taps her foot on the gravel of the drive, making it obvious she's itching to get inside to see Shane. I look to Elena and she meets my eyes, a confused frown on her face. She knows Bonnie better than anyone, so if I can sense that something is wrong, Elena definitely can, but she doesn't comment on it and the three of us walk towards the house. When we get inside Caroline is on her knees in front of the veil, looking at Klaus who is perched on the ground the other side. They both fall silent before we've even stepped over the threshold and Caroline swivels to face us, an intense look on her face.

"Bonnie. What are you doing here?" she asks walking towards us.

"She came to check on Shane," Elena says.

Unlike Elena, Caroline is aware of Bonnie's visits with Shane and she crosses her arms and purses her lips, a disapproving look on her face. Before she has chance to scald Bonnie and potentially start a row, I step towards her, blocking Bonnie from her view and ask, "Is everything okay?"

She meets my eyes, nods and then jerks her head to the side, gesturing to the kitchen.

"You know, all of this tiptoeing around and hushed whispering really is unnecessary," Klaus says. "I can hear you wherever you are, and regardless of how many plans you come up with or how many times you send Caroline to try and charm me, nothing is going to change my mind. I will never reveal the location of the sword and I will not decode the map."

Caroline rolls her eyes and we ignore him and follow her to the kitchen. Halfway down the hall Bonnie stops and rests her hand on the banister of the staircase.

"Bonnie?" Elena questions.

"I...I think I'm going to go and check on Shane."

"But Stefan already saw to him and said he was fine."

She nods. "I know, but...I just...I think it's best if I do anyway."

Caroline, Elena and I exchange a look, but before we can say anymore Bonnie is already half way up the stairs. Any other day Bonnie would be faced with endless questions and lectures, but we're all preoccupied by Klaus and the map, so we continue to the kitchen. Caroline reaches over and switches on the blender and then says, with a hopeful smile on her face, "I think I can get through to him, to Klaus."

"Based on what he just said, don't you think you're being a little optimistic?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "He's just saying that, but I know I can change his mind and make him see sense. I just need some more time."

She's so self-assured that it makes it impossible to doubt her, so I simply sigh lightly and ask, "What do you want us to do?"

"Nothing. At least not for now. I think it's best if I do it on my own. He seems to shut down whenever there's anybody else around, so just head home and keep your phone's close in case I need you."

"Of course," Elena says. "But are you sure you'll be okay here on your own?"

"He's spelled into that room, he can't hurt me."

We nod. "What about Bonnie?" Elena asks.

Caroline sighs. "What about her? She's been coming here and visiting Shane since Klaus locked him up here. I've tried to talk sense into her, but she won't listen. I don't know why, but he has this hold on her."

"What?" Elena exclaims.

Caroline and I exchange a look and Elena glares at us. "Wh-what's going on?" she asks with frustration. "Is there something I need to know?"

"Klaus told us that Bonnie has been visiting Shane and when I spoke to her about it she said that he helps her with her magic and that without him she's a weapon or something," Caroline explains.

"But with everything that happened at the lake house..."

"I know, you don't have to tell me. I think she's crazy."

"It just doesn't make sense. I know Bonnie is a caring person, but..." Elena trails off and shakes her head. "Something's not right."

I can sense Elena is suspicious and my instincts are to throw her off the scent, at least for now. I want to confront Bonnie on my own, so that she won't feel judged or threatened, because if Elena and Caroline decide to take it upon themselves to ask Bonnie about this, we will never get the truth.

"I think you're forgetting something," I start. "He's still linked to Elena, and that means if anything happens to him, it happens to Elena."

Caroline's eyes widen as she remembers that Bonnie never did find a spell to break the connection between them.

"She's...she's doing it to protect me," Elena says her eyes wide in wonderment.

I nod. "We've all been so busy with the cure and Kol and everything else, that we forgot about Shane and if he'd have died of dehydration or starvation-"

"Elena would've died, too," Caroline says, finishing my sentence.

I nod.

"But Bonnie didn't forget. She isn't just coming here because of her magic, she's been doing it for me," Elena says with awe.

Caroline nods. "I guess, but she hasn't just been doing it for you. There's more-"

"Maybe not, but this is Bonnie, Caroline. Her instinct is to take care of everyone, even if they don't deserve it. Is it really such a surprise that she'd want to help Shane? And he did help her and Jeremy at the lake house," Elena says, immediately jumping in to defend her best friend.

"Yeah, before he tried to kill us," Caroline retorts.

"It doesn't matter. Caroline, Bonnie's our best friend, we can trust her."

I nod approvingly at Elena, bursting with pride at the natural compassion she radiates. With one prompt from me, she immediately wields and instead of looking upon Bonnie with suspicion and judgement, as Caroline still does, she chooses to give her friend the benefit of the doubt. That choice may be one that is misplaced, but is something she need not worry about, because I will soon get to the bottom of Bonnie and Shane.

"So, we just need to be supportive. We're busy with the cure, but we can still chip in with Shane to make sure he's okay," Elena adds.

"And how long do we have to do that for? How long until Bonnie finds a way to break the spell?"

Elena shrugs. "That doesn't matter. We'll do it as long as we need to," she says firmly. "Okay?"

She sighs and holds up her hands. "Okay, okay," she relents.

"Good."

"I better get back to Klaus. See you later," Caroline says turning the blender off and marching out the room.

I meet Elena's eyes and we both let out an amused giggle at Caroline, before leaving the room. When we walk by the living room Caroline and Klaus are already engrossed in conversation and I turn to Elena to ask if she wants to say goodbye to Bonnie before we leave, but she shakes her head. I unlock my car, but just as I'm about to climb in Elena calls my name. She's stood at the bonnet of her car, twiddling her keys in her hand nervously.

"I actually...I wondered if you...maybe you...wanted to go for a walk? I mean...I'll have to go home and check on Jeremy first but-"

"I'd love to," I reply.

Her cheeks are pink, but she moves her eyes that were fixated on her fidgeting feet to meet my eyes and a small smile comes across her face.

"Great, well shall I-?"

"I'll pick you up in an hour."

She nods again. "That-that sounds good. I'll see you then."

She takes a slight step back, a coy smile on her face and I watch her reverse off the drive. I get into my own car, put the keys in the ignition and can't help the gleeful chuckle that escapes me. Piece by piece it feels that Elena and I are re-capturing what we once were and it causes my stomach to flutter and my heart race, making me feel that I truly am the 17 year old boy I am supposed to be.

* * *

** DAMON **

I sigh deeply and flop back onto my king size poster bed, spilling the open bottle of bourbon on the red silk covers. I groan and pitifully attempt to wipe it away with my hand, before shifting to the opposite side of the bed. I continue to gulp the liquid down, in the hopes that it will blur the memory of mine and Elena's conversation, but this is my third bottle and her words are still vividly re-playing in my head. All I've wanted for so long is for her to love me, but now I wish she'd never said it, because I'm going crazy. How can she love me when everything she does and says contradicts that fact? I cannot comprehend a love whereby you make every excuse to be apart from the person you supposedly love. Love isn't logical, it isn't something you can fight or choose, it is beyond all control. My love for Elena renders me powerless, it consumes me until my identity slips away and all thoughts and emotions fade from my mind, until all that I am is  _her._ That pure emotion is stronger than anything I've ever experienced and overrides any sense or morality or rationale that I may posses and becomes the driving force behind my actions, and is the reason that one moment I'm sat in my bedroom and the next I'm standing at a bar without any recollection of how I get here.

My body is jittery, my jaw clenched, my head pounding and I sloppily lift the bottle of tequila in my hand to pour some into the shot glass in front of me, but get more on the bar than in the glass. It's mid-afternoon so the bar is empty aside from a few middle-aged alcoholics, sat in the corner. The drunker I get the more my emotions fade, until all that's left is anger.  _How dare she_?! How dare she make me believe we actually had a damn chance and then just rip it away. She says  _I'm_  selfish, but if she had any idea how much pain she's caused me with her words and actions as of late, she would realise how hypocritical she is. I've suffered a fair share of heartbreak in my lifetime and when I thought I'd lost Katherine in that fire, I never thought there was a pain that could compare with that, but I was wrong. It was difficult to watch Elena with Stefan when I wanted her so badly myself, but I knew where I stood back then. She was my brother's girl, she loved him and despite my efforts, I knew nothing would change that, so whenever I was faced with her rejection the pain was diminished because I  _expected_  it. But this time...I had hope. She opened up to me in a way she never had before, she broke up with Stefan for me, she made love to me, she told me she loved me and yet...she's not here. She's with  _him_. Everything she said, all of it, is nothing but  _lies_. She will  _always_  choose Stefan, she will  _always_  love Stefan and I will  _always_  be the brother left out in the cold. A sudden fit of rage explodes out of me and in an instant the contents of the bar have been smashed across the room and I have the pretty blonde barmaid in my grips, my teeth sunken into her flesh.

She squirms relentlessly and screams out, which only causes me to become more frantic, as I bite harder and suck more violently, desperate to stop her high pitched squeals and temporarily put an end to the bottomless pit of white hot rage that is blinding me. It's less than a minute before her voice fades and her body falls limp in my arms. I release her and she slumps to the floor with a thud. I hear panicked yells and look up over the bar to see people drunkenly stumbling for the door, pushing each other aside as they do and I let out an amused laugh. I'm not concerned about who they might tell, after all who would believe anything  _they_  have to say? I take my finger and run it across the side of my mouth, then place it on my tongue, licking the blood off of it. I retrieve a bottle from behind the bar and then jump back over and take my seat. I don't care about the young girl that is still lying on the dirty, sticky ground behind the bar, her eyes frozen open in terror, her body already cold, because she has suffered, just as I've suffered. That is life. There's nothing anyone can do to change it. Betrayal, lies, pain, death, they're part of the package deal and as a vampire I can avoid feeling it by inflicting it upon others. You cannot be both a victim and a perpetrator, and I will always choose to be the latter, not just because the vampire in me requires it, but because it's  _easier_  that way. Unlike my dear brother, I don't need to flip the switch to avoid the pain of Elena's rejection or to stop the guilt of murdering an innocent, because  _this_  right here is  _who I am_  and everything that I'm  _supposed_  to be. Humanity is exactly that, it's  _human_  and I'm not. Trying to pretend otherwise is what has destroyed Stefan and what could potentially destroy me if I let it. For a while, I believed that loving Elena was worth the humanity that went with it, but she's made her choice and I've made mine. If she can choose herself, so can I. I've fought so hard to be better for her, to be worthy of her love and prove to her that I am more than just the monster she believes me to be, but I have failed. She may claim to love me, but in her eyes I'm still that monster. Part of me believes that she's right and that all I am is a monster and part of me  _wants_  that, but the tears that pour from my eyes accompanied by the loud sobs that escape my throat betray me and reveal the true nature of my heart and the searing humanity that I still hold deep within me.

* * *

** ELENA **

As I step into the house, my eyes immediately go to Jeremy, asleep on the couch. The empty mug that Bonnie gave him this morning is on the floor beside him, a fleecy blanket that barely covers the top of his thighs is over him, his hand is strewn over his face and his long legs are draped over the arm. I sigh softly and smile to myself, the sight of my brother safe and at peace is a blessing, no matter how many times I see it. I consider waking him, but then decide against it and head upstairs. Despite feeling relatively at ease, there's a niggling feeling in my gut that has been present all morning, that has me reaching for my phone. I dial Damon's number and it rings for only a couple of seconds before being cut off. I sigh deeply and redial his number, only for him to reject the call again. This time I wait for the beep and leave a voicemail.

"Damon, it's me. I know you probably want some space, I understand that, but I just want you to know that I meant everything I said this morning. I still care about you, Damon and I will always be here for you. I'll give you time if that's what you need, but please don't do anything stup...just don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?"

I hang up and discard the phone on the bed. I contemplate going to The Boarding House to check on him, but he was okay when I left him. No temper tantrums or tears, no alarming behaviour. I'm probably just being paranoid, I'm sure he's fine... I strip off, have a quick shower, lather myself in cocoa butter and then throw on my favourite baggy shirt. It's one of Stefan's and still smells of him. I lift the hem up over my nose and inhale deeply, softly sighing to myself as his scent engulfs me. I reach for my journal from under the pillow and flip open to the most recent entry, dated two days ago. It's about our plan to kill Kol and my feelings for Stefan and Damon, and it's hard to believe that it's been only 48 hours since I wrote it, because it feels like a lifetime. I'm used to my world being flipped upside down in a moment, but since I became a vampire it's as though that has become amplified. Each day feels different from the last, and I'm not sure if it's because of the circumstances or because of the internal changes I'm going through.

Even in the midst of everything else, somehow I'm still managing to grow and develop, to recover pieces of myself that have been missing or vacant since I turned. My mind is slowly becoming clearer, and although it partly has something to do with our plans to find the cure progressing, it mostly has to do with time. I've always hated the cliche 'time is a healer', but I'm living proof of that. Whilst the pain of the tragedies I suffer always leaves wounds, they eventually close and fade to scars. The guilt and shame of killing Connor, the hunger for blood, the memories of the Hunter's curse, it's still with me, but it no longer controls me or dictates who I am. I've defied the odds once again, I've survived not just the loss of my parents, but of myself and that is something I thought impossible.

I reach for a pen off the nightstand and scribble the date at the top right corner of the blank page. I glance at the clock; 45 minutes until Stefan comes to pick me up. I should discard the journal and work on finding something to wear, but there is so much I want to say that I already have three lines written in under a minute.

_Dear diary,_

_Where do I even begin? We did it. We killed Kol. For a moment there I was so sure we were going to fail, that he was going to kill us all, but we did it and now we're closer to finding the cure than ever before._

I stop writing for a moment and stare down at the words I have just written, realising that this isn't what I want to speak about. It's merely small talk, an attempt to distract myself from the only thing that is truly on my mind.

 _Stefan_   _is picking me up in 45 minutes. I can't explain why, but I'm nervous. Even as I write this, I can feel my hand trembling and an idiotic smile is on my face. Something is happening with Stefan...something that I didn't think would ever happen, especially not now, so soon after our break-up. I can't put into words what it is...but something has changed. When he looks at me now it's the same way he used to. Part of what hurt so much after he found out about Damon and me was the way he looked at me, with so much resentment, so much hatred. I deserved it, I know I did and I still deserve it, but now...now when he looks at me I don't see that. Maybe a little, but it's barely noticeable. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm delusional, but I think there's **hope**. I never understood how powerful hope was until I'd lost it. Living without hope is as excruciating as living without air. It's the one emotion that has been with me my entire life, even after my parents and Jenna died, even after Stefan lost his humanity and I don't think I realised then, but it is what got me through, it is what made me strong. And now that I've regained that...I feel strong again. I may be a vampire and we may never find this cure, but right now, the way I'm feeling, it doesn't matter because I have hope, which is something I haven't had in such a long time. I believe that someday, someway, everything will be okay and that's because of Stefan. He was stripped of his free-will again, compelled by Kol to kill Jeremy and he fought it. He fought so damn hard and that moment when I knelt before him and begged him to come back to me, he did. Just like he and I have done a million times, he defied the odds, transformed the impossible to possible, for Jeremy, for me, for  **us**. Even with our relationship in tatters, and the loathsome and bitter resentment he held for me, he managed to break through it. Witnessing that miracle for the second time is the moment that that spark of hope was ignited in me once again. It reminded me of the person I was before I turned, the person I've always been. A person that chooses to believe in miracles, to have faith in others' goodness, to remain optimistic even when all seems lost. It is that quality that has been the reason I have overcome everything I've ever faced, to help Stefan find his way back to his humanity, to me. And it's what will get me through this time, too, so that I can get the cure, keep the people I love safe, become human again and be happy._

As the words practically fall out of my head and onto the page, my hand grows more frantic, my handwriting scrawly and I end the sentence with a violent full stop. My train of thought breaks and I blink rapidly as I have a sudden epiphany. I've been so stupid. So, so stupid. All of this time, the anguish and confusion that has been plaguing me isn't because I'm a vampire, like I first thought. The first days of the transition were such a difficult adjustment that I lost sight of who I was, my instincts were on overdrive, my hunger insatiable and my amplified feelings for Damon paired with the darkness I felt that had come to define me is what drove me and Stefan apart, and when I lost him, I lost myself. Without him I'm not the person I'm  _supposed_  to be. He is the one that inspires me, evokes my passion and hope, which makes me stronger, more powerful, and not having that over the last couple of weeks has affected me more than I realised. Without Stefan I'm still me, I still exist and I'm okay, but I don't  _want_  to be okay. I want to be the  _best_ , the best possible version of myself and I only seem to be that when I have Stefan in my life. Just two days of being closer with him has restored my faith in myself and my future, and has provided me with a new lease of inner strength and courage. I feel exhilarated, as though I've just stepped into the light. I close the journal and place it back under the pillow of my bed and wander over to the closet to change. I put on jeans, brown boots that I know are comfortable to walk in and a burgundy vest, accompanied by a cream scarf and brown leather jacket. I then sit at the dresser to dry my hair and apply some make-up, before going downstairs to Jeremy, who is still snoring on the couch. I lean over him and gently nudge his shoulder. He comes to almost immediately, mumbles Bonnie's name and after I've informed him that she's at Klaus' with Caroline, I tell him that he should go up to bed to get more rest and he simply drags himself off the couch and trails up the stairs, yawning as he goes.

I go to the kitchen and get one of the blood bags out of the fridge that I brought back from the Boarding House. No matter how much time passes, I'm not sure it'll ever be normal for me to pull a bag of blood out of my fridge, pour some in a glass and sit at my dining room table sipping on it, but given the circumstances, this is the closest to perfect being a vampire can get, it beats the alternative of ripping off someone's head. After I've finished I quickly wash up the glass and then go to grab my bag from upstairs. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and groan. I look the same as I always do, but for some reason that isn't good enough. I can't explain why, but I want to look good when Stefan arrives, so I perch myself back in front of the dresser and begin straightening my hair, then put a couple more layers of mascara on and some blush. Before I know it the doorbell is ringing and I'm frantically rushing around, running my fingers through my hair, applying gloss and brushing myself down, in one final mirror check. I reach for my phone off the nightstand, along with my keys and then head downstairs, my heart in my mouth. I approach the door slowly and when I reach out to open the door my hand is shaking beneath me. I close my eyes, inhale deeply and remind myself that there's nothing to be nervous about. This is Stefan.  _Stefan_. I've done this with him a thousand times before. So why does it feel that it's the first time? He rings the bell again and I finally open the door.

"Well, it's about time," he says a smile on his face.

"Sorry, sir," I reply sarcastically and he chuckles lightly. There's a light in his eyes and ease in the way he carries himself that makes him seem a different person than the man he has been over the last few weeks.

"Got everything you need?" he asks.

"Um, yeah, I think so."

"Good. I've got a surprise for you."

"A surprise? What are you talking about?" I ask, a beaming smile on my face.

"Just wait and see," he replies a cheeky smile on his face. "Come on then, we're taking my car."

I laugh and then follow him to the car, my legs weak, my head giddy with joy and my heart somersaulting in my chest. Ever the gentleman, he opens the door for me, before getting into the driver's seat. He turns the radio up and winds the windows down and I turn to him, in surprise.

"Stefan, it's freezing! It's the middle of winter," I say through smiles.

He shrugs and I let out a gleeful giggle, and as he reverses off the drive and speeds down the road, I experience the same flutter of my heart that I did the night that he took me to the top of the Ferris wheel.

* * *

** DAMON **

I open my eyes, to be faced with the sight of a bar I don't recognise. I lift my head from the table and glance around to see three dead bodies scattered around the room. I don't remember how I got here or what happened, but the bite marks on their necks don't leave much to the imagination. I groan, flop back in my chair and  
squint my eyes, to the clock on the wall. It's 4pm. Is that all? I've only been out for 3 hours, it feels like a lifetime. As a vampire I'm intolerant to hangover's, but this is as close to one that it's possible to get. I feel a deep sense of regret and guilt, along with a desperate want to curl under a rock and hibernate for the next century. I reach across the table for my phone to see a voicemail from Elena and a text from Stefan. The text from Stefan reads: "Caroline's with Klaus, thinks she can convince him to decode the map. Keep your phone close in case she needs us." After I've read it I place the phone into my pocket, unable to face Elena's voicemail yet. I get up and walk over to the bodies, sighs escaping me with every step I take. All three of them are young, no older than 30, and I feel a pit of uneasiness in my stomach. I'm not sure if it's because I feel guilt for ending their lives, or simply that I'm peeved that now I have to clean up and deal with the consequences. I drag each of them by their feet to the back door and throw each of them into the dumpster in the back alley, before taking a bottle of vodka, pouring it over them and setting it alight. And just like that, it's over. I indulged for a few short hours, allowed myself to be ravenous, unbound by responsibility or morality, but now it's time for me to go back home and resume my act of protector, lover and brother, even if I'm not yet ready to.

The thought of going back and seeing Stefan, of working with him...it sets my teeth on edge, because all I can think about is how much I hate him. Ironic that it's Elena's actions and choices that are the cause of my pain, just as they have been the cause of Stefan's, and yet we always seem to blame each other instead of her. The same was true of Katherine, too. No matter how many wrongs she did us, we still held each other responsible and continued to worship at her altar. I know that what Elena said to me was her own thoughts and feelings, completely unaffected or uninfluenced by Stefan, but I  _still_  can't shake the hate I have for him. Probably because no matter how much time passes I always find myself cast in Stefan's shadow. It began from the day he was born, first with Giuseppe and Lily, then Katherine, (I was even jealous of how much Lexi cared for him) and now Elena. I'm  _never_  the one. It doesn't matter how hard I try, how much I attempt to make amends or how deeply and purely I love, it's never enough. It wasn't for my own father, so why would it be any different with Elena? I was foolish to think it would. But there's just something about her that  _gets_  me. She knows better than anyone the darkness that I carry, but unlike the others, she also sees my goodness and  _that_  is what she loves me for. I just can't understand why that still isn't enough. Why?  _Why_? How can she condone all of the awful things Stefan's done and yet not find it in her heart to forgive me for what I've done? Why can she accept Stefan's darkness and love him all the more for it, yet reject me because of mine? The more I reflect on what she said the more confused I become and the more questions I have,  _because it doesn't make sense_! None of it does. Elena may feel that our conversation this morning was closure, but all it's done is make me even more restless, more uncertain and all I want is to ask her all of the questions that are circling round my head. I can't move on until I have the answers I need. I let Katherine slip through my fingers once, but I refuse to do that a second time. I love Elena, and despite what she says, I believe we have something special, something that could prove life changing for the both of us, if she would just give us a chance.

That's it. She's just scared. That explains it all. Everything she said was because of the fear. She didn't mean it. She loves me, but she's afraid of what that means, of what might happen if she truly commits to me. With time she will see sense and she will come back to me, and we'll be together. We will.  _We will_. I have to keep telling myself that, otherwise I don't know what I'll do...

* * *

** ELENA **

We drive out into the country and despite asking numerous times where we're going Stefan simply replies with, "You'll see." After a 30 minute drive we arrive at a country path with two push bikes on it. He turns off the ignition, climbs out of the car and I follow him.

"I hope your bike skills aren't too rusty," he says with a smile.

"Stefan, bikes? We're vampires, we can run faster."

"Now, where would be the fun in that?" he replies, with a grin. "Come on, get on."

He climbs onto one of the bikes and I let out a chuckle, before getting onto the other and he pedals off up the path with rapid speed. I take off after him, fits of giggles escaping me as I go. He pedals harder and faster, teasing me for being too slow and as we zoom through the wilderness, the wind in our hair, I revert back to being a child again, where all that matters is this exact moment in time. I gain on him and as I overtake I cockily twist around and shout, "Is that all you've got?" In a matter of minutes we reach the end of the path and I come to an abrupt stop atop a grassy hill, surrounded by woodland. Stefan stops beside me and we both chuckle breathlessly.

"I win," I say.

"Only because I let you," he retorts.

I dismount the bike and lay it down on the ground, before walking to the edge of the hill. All that can be seen for miles are fields and trees, and despite the air being bitterly cold against my face, the sun peaks out from behind a cloud and shines down on us. It reminds me of the place we were the day I told him I didn't want to be a vampire. Everything has changed since then, and yet here we are, together again. I close my eyes and sigh sweetly to myself, before twisting to face Stefan who is stood beside me.

"When I said I wanted to go for a walk I meant a quick stroll around town, not this."

He laughs lightly and I add, "Thanks."

"For what?" he asks modestly.

"For bringing me here, for taking my mind off of everything that's happened."

He shrugs and replies with, "Ah, well..."

I sit down on the ground cross legged, still facing out at the view and he sits beside me, a few feet away. I wonder why he's done all of this, why he's brought me here and gone to so much effort. I didn't expect it of him, at least not now given everything I've put him through, but he is capable of more forgiveness and compassion than I ever thought possible. I can't help but steal a glance at him. He's looking out at the view, his mouth parted slightly, his eyes intense and reflective. I want to ask him what he's thinking about, but I don't. I simply continue to stare at him, until he feels my eyes burning into him and shifts his head to meet my gaze. For a moment my eyes dart in the opposite direction, a flush of embarrassment taking me over, but then I bravely look back to him and he has a small smile on his face that warms my heart and instantly fills me with joy.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I'm not sure how much time passes, minutes, hours, days, years. I'm so lost in her that time ceases to exist.

_Oh, I've missed this._

There's rarely been a day since we broke up that I haven't seen her, even if it's for just 5 minutes, but right here, right now I see her. I mean,  _really_  see her. Temporarily distracted from the obstacles we face and free from the pressures of others, she truly comes to life. I adore every part of her, but if I had to choose, this is the part of her I love most; who she is when she isn't playing the role of sister or friend, when the labels of human, vampire, victim and heroine don't matter and she isn't consumed with fear and anxiety, when she's simply Elena.

When she speaks there is a soothing tone to her voice; she doesn't just smile with her mouth, but with her entire being; she enthusiastically flails her arms as she gets swept up in conversation and her carefree laughter is uncontrolled and laced with snorts. She barely pauses for breath, flitting from one topic to the next and tripping over her words, as she speaks. She doesn't mention the cure or anything else that is currently going on in our lives. Instead she mostly reminisces about her childhood, about a family trip she took with her parents and Jeremy when she was a girl that reminds her of this place and the unimportant things normal people usually chat about. I nod along, not minding that I'm not actively involved in her conversation, because I'm content with just sitting, listening, watching. Anything that she has to say is important to me, no matter how insignificant it may seem and hearing more about her family and her childhood, only makes me feel closer to her, which is something I never want to stop.

The only thing that seems to cause her to drop quiet is when I ask how Damon was when she saw him this morning. At the mere mention of his name she falls silent, shifts her eyes to the ground and bites her lip.

"Can we...can we not talk about Damon?" she asks, her voice suddenly and unexpectedly cold.

I frown at her and ask, "Why?"

She huffs and puts her hand to her head, before saying, "Because...right now I just want to be here...with you."

She meets my eyes and I nod acceptingly, then pull a couple of blood bags out of my backpack and hand her one. She takes it, with a nod of gratitude, keeping her intense eyes locked on me. Then I see her look down at the blood bag uncertainly. I open mine first and she follows suit and it feels bizarre to be openly sharing an experience such as this with her, because it was always something that was kept separate in our relationship, and not just because Elena was a human, but because despite her constant encouragement to share the part of myself that is vampire with her, I still remained as discreet as possible out of embarrassment and disgust of what I am. I sense that at first, she too feels uneasy, which is ironic considering she and I have seen each other at our absolute worst. Just weeks ago I stood before Elena covered in the blood of a man she had just killed and watched her break down, and it didn't change how much I loved her, nothing ever could. So to think my perception of her would change because of seeing her feed is beyond ridiculous. However, after a couple of minutes, the awkwardness of the situation slips away and the two of us sitting side by side, sucking on blood bags, feels just as natural as any other aspect of our relationship. I sense that she grows comfortable too, because she lifts her head and makes conversation, blood still thick on her lips and teeth. It's a moment that is very surreal to witness and it strikes me like a fork of lightning how wrong I have been all this time. Elena becoming a vampire hasn't changed her as much as I thought.

Everything that happened between us is as a result of my actions. When I left town with Klaus, I sacrificed my relationship with Elena to save my brother, and it's a decision I know I would make again in a heartbeat, because in spite of everything I couldn't live without Damon, but that choice I made is ultimately what caused the events that led to her becoming a vampire, and once she had turned, I was so desperate to keep her safe, to protect her from suffering what I went through when I turned, that I failed to see that I'd given up on her. Elena loves Damon, I know that, but her feelings for him changed because he had faith in her when I didn't. I didn't believe she had the strength to make it through the transition, didn't believe she would be able to cling to the person she was, because I didn't, but I was wrong and I see that now. Deep down at the core she is still the same Elena,  _my Elena,_ but my own fear and anxiety prevented me from seeing that _._ I worry so much that the Ripper in me will take over at any given moment and strip me of everything I am, and I unknowingly projected that same fear onto her, but Elena isn't me. She's so much stronger and wiser than I have ever been and she's proven that time and time again. Upon finishing the blood bag, she places it on the grass and notices that I'm staring at her intently.

"Stefan...are you okay?" she inquires, her voice soft.

"Elena...I'm sorry," I say.

She furrows her brow in confusion and asks, "Sorry? What for?"

"For what happened with us..."

She shakes her head violently and says, "No, no, no. Stefan, don't even go there."

"No, Elena...that night on the bridge I should've saved you  _and_ Matt. I should've-"

"Stefan, you did everything you could and you saved Matt."

"But I didn't save you and because of that you...you're a vampire."

She opens her mouth to speak, but I carry on before she has the chance. "And after you turned I was...I was so scared...I was terrified. I didn't want to lose you and I didn't want the blood to do to you what it did to me. I...I wanted to protect you."

"Stefan, I know..."

"No, you don't. I was so desperate to fix what I'd done, to make things right and I...I abandoned you. I let you down."

"No,  _I'm_  the one that let you down," she insists. "Stefan, you did everything you could to help me, you-"

"But if I'd just put you first, if I'd just...I tried so hard to be strong for you, but you know me so well and you saw it. You knew how scared I was."

"We were both scared," she says in an attempt to comfort me.

"And if I'd handled things differently maybe none of this would've happened. You and Damon...all of it."

She reaches out for my hand, a sense of urgency in her eyes and says, "Stefan, listen to me, none of this is your fault. None of it. If anyone's to blame it's me. With everything that happened...I...I don't know, you were right. I did lose myself, and I lost sight of everything that was important. Of you..."

She trails off and moves her hand away from mine, but I don't want her to pull her away. I lean my face into her suddenly, and I can tell she didn't expect it, because she inhales sharply and meets my gaze nervously.

"There's something...something I've been meaning to ask you..." I start, my voice low. "Last night when we were out in the woods and I was compelled, there was this moment, just before I broke through...you said something...maybe I imagined it, I don't know..."

She exhales lightly and I see her lip quiver. "No...you didn't imagine it."

"Did you...did you mean it?"

Her eyes go down and she bites her lip. "I meant it. I still mean it..." she says her voice quiet and raspy.

I shift across to grass towards her, and lift her chin so that she meets my gaze, then I rest my palm on her face and she sighs deeply, relaxes into my hand and closes her eyes. Tears start to roll down her cheeks and I gently wipe them away. When she opens her eyes, they are glistening, and there is so much pain, guilt and regret between us, that I feel my heart sinking with the sheer power of it all. I move in slowly, my eyes still locked on hers and brush my lips against hers lightly. I move away, the taste of her tears on my mouth and look up into her eyes, with uncertainty. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, our breathing is heavy and ragged, the anticipation unbearable. She's staring right back at me, as though she's in a daze and then I feel her hand reach up for the back of my neck, as she pulls me into her again. She presses her lips to mine harder this time and we linger for only a few moments, before we get swept up in a frenzy of passion. It's been so long since I've been able to indulge in her like this and I've missed it more than I'd realised. Even as her hands twist in my hair and her hot tongue massages mine, I still  _ache_  for her. I groan against her mouth and she mutters my name breathlessly, both of us frantically scrambling to soothe the pain we have both suffered at each other's hands these last few weeks and satiate our hunger for one another. She gets up onto her knees to get in even closer to me and I can feel her breasts pressed up against my chest, the rapid beat of her heart thumping against me, making me feel truly alive. A sudden animalistic growl escapes my throat and she falls back onto the grass, me on top of her. We don't pull away for even a second, neither one of us willing to let this moment slip away. I move away from her mouth and lick her neck and her collarbone, whilst she slides her hands down my spine, sending shivers through me. I can only withstand a few seconds before I resume the kiss and she wraps her legs around me, pulling me in closer still. The smell of her engulfs me, the sound of her fills my ears and I know I've returned.

_I'm home._

The sky rumbles and a downpour occurs instantaneously, causing us to break away from one another. I look up at the sky that is full of grey clouds, and then back down at Elena. She's sat up, her hair already soaked to her head and when I meet her eyes, a large grin comes across my face. She lets out a loud chuckle, throwing her head back as her laughter grows more hysterical and I join her, the combination of amusement and bliss causing me to laugh harder than I have in years. Once we have managed to recover ourselves, I help her to her feet and we proceed to climb onto our bikes. We whizz down the hill, side by side, the rain hitting our faces and taking our breath away. She is in fits of giggles and screaming with exhilaration, and even though I should be focusing on the path ahead, I can't help but steal glances at her. There is no room for thought, I'm running on pure emotion and not the instinctual, predatory emotion that is usually responsible for taking me over. This is something completely new, something I didn't know was possible. It's a combination of delightful, euphoric joy and a love so powerful and enchanting, that it intoxicates me, filling my veins and electrifying every nerve ending in my body.

I reach the car before she does, but she's only a millisecond behind me and when she reaches the bottom of the hill, she discards the bike and throws herself into me at full speed, pushing me up against the car and kissing me hard and fast, causing a laugh to escape me. I return her kiss with a fiery passion and it takes us both a while to notice the buzz of my phone coming from my jean pocket. She pulls away from me and I say, "I better check, it could be Caroline." She leans away from me slightly, so that I can reach for my phone out of my pocket and there's 5 missed calls from Caroline and a text. I frantically press my finger against the screen, but the screen is already saturated. Elena attempts to shelter it from the rain that is still falling and I wipe it with my hand, then open the text which reads:

"I did it! We have the map."

I look up to Elena my eyes wide and she mirrors my reaction, as she worriedly asks, "What? Stefan, what is it?"

"Caroline did it. She's got the map," I reply, handing the phone to her so she can read the text.

She looks down on it for a few seconds and then meets my eyes, and just like that this perfect moment is ripped away and we're once again reminded of the hardships that are still waiting for us.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the new information on the location of the cure, the hunt continues. Stefan pays a visit to Bonnie to confront his suspicions and later, the brothers discuss Elena and try to put an end to their rivalry over her.

** ELENA **

The 45 minute journey to Caroline's isn't filled with loud indie music, out of tune singing and laughter like the journey here, and we sit in stony silence, the only sounds being the purr of the car engine and blowing of the heater that is on full blast. When we arrive at Caroline's our hair is still damp and our sopping clothes cling to our bodies, making the evening chill feel icy cold against my flesh. When Caroline comes to the door she frowns at us through narrowed eyes and asks, "Where have you two been? Why are you wet?"

Stefan and I exchange a look, and then he says, "That doesn't matter. Can we come in?"

Caroline nods and turns to head to the living room and Stefan and I follow. Bonnie is already sat on the couch, a cup of coffee in her hand and she gives me a small smile when I step into the room. There's an empty space beside her, but I opt to sit on the arm of the chair Stefan is on, wanting to be near him.

"So how did you do it? How did you convince him?" Stefan asks.

She sighs deeply and her eyes fall to the ground. "I negotiated with him, and then Bonnie sent me the photos she'd taken of the tattoos, he told me where the sword was and he just...did it."

I frown and ask, "And? What did he want?"

She shrugs and then shakes her head. "That doesn't matter. All that matters is that we have this," she says, pointing to the handwritten map that sits on the coffee table. Stefan leans over and picks it up to study it. I peer at it over his shoulder, but can't make sense of any of it.

"What-what does this even mean? How does this help us? Is it even a real map?" I ask.

"Of course it's a real map," Caroline says somewhat patronisingly. "It's of an island in Nova Scotia."

"Nova Scotia?"

Caroline nods. "Klaus hand wrote instructions which are clearer than the map, but there's some parts we'll have to figure out ourselves. At least, we have it. Now all we have to do is get there and we'll have the cure," she says, a triumphant smile on her face.

I know I should be ecstactic; this is everything we have been working so hard for, the thing we have risked our lives for repeatedly, but looking down at that map fills me with a sense of dread and uncertainty. I've been ignoring the many questions I have about the cure, but now they all fight their way back through and I can't help but doubt how reliable any of the information we have is. It's all so...vague. A magical cure for vampirism that no one has ever seen or heard of is on a remote island in Canada, that we have only found the location of because of some ancient sword and a tattoo. The day I learned that Stefan was a vampire was the day that all skepticism I may have had completely disappeared, but this is...insane. As though he can see into my mind, I feel Stefan's hand on my thigh and when I look at him, he meets my eyes, a strong and determined look in his eye and I know that he's saying, "It's okay, it's all going to be okay." I'm overwhelmed with the urge to lean down and kiss him, but instead I just smile at him.

"Seriously, Caroline, how did you get Klaus to do this? A few hours ago he vowed he would never in a million years help us," I say.

She squirms uncomfortably in her seat and says, "There were certain...things he wanted. In the end we both came away with what we wanted. I got the map and his word that when Bonnie drops the veil he won't come after any of us for killing Kol."

"That's good," I say. I want to press her more on it, but decide against it because I can sense how uncomfortable it's making her. If she wants to tell me later she will, but it doesn't really take much imagination to guess what the deal entails...

"So when do we leave?" Caroline asks.

Stefan sighs and leans forward in his seat. "Well, the sooner the better. Having this kinda information is dangerous. If anyone else finds out that we have this...", he says, holding up the map, "...all hell could break loose."

I nod. "We should book the next flights out. Bonnie, have you spoken to Jeremy?"

She doesn't respond to my question and just stares off into the distance a vacant expression on her face.

"Bonnie?"

"Huh? What?" she says, blinking as though in a daze.

"Jeremy. Have you spoken to him and told him about all of this?"

She clears her throat. "Um...um, no, not yet. I mean...I haven't spoken to him since this morning. I think he's still resting at home."

I nod. "I better get back to check on him and tell him the news. We should all get our stuff packed, we can probably get a flight out tomorrow."

Despite the suddenness of the situation, there's a sense of urgency and we immediately get to discussing details. We try calling Damon to tell him what's going on, but he rejects every attempt we make and eventually turns his phone off. The niggling feeling returns and I wonder what he's doing and where he is and more importantly why he's avoiding us. I know Damon well enough to know that he only does that when he's in a crisis and deep down I know that our conversation this morning didn't go as smoothly as I've been convincing myself it has.

As night begins to fall, Bonnie leaves to go home, claiming she has a headache and needs rest, and Stefan drives me back home soon after. The sky is a dark, haunting blue, like our moods and unlike this afternoon, there is no music, singing or laughter, only silence. He pulls onto my drive, turns off the ignition and rests his head on the back rest, sighing deeply.

"Stefan, everything's gonna be okay," I say. Usually I am the one that needs comforting, but the day I have spent with him has provided me with strength and I want him to know that this perfect day isn't over. Not yet.

"I should get back home to fill Damon in and you need to check on Jeremy," he says his voice quiet and detached.

"Stefan..." I reach for his hand and he parts his lips and looks down at my hand resting on top of his. He twists his hand so this his palm is facing against mine and I thread my fingers through his. "Don't pull away from me...not now."

He sighs and swivels in his seat so that his body is facing me, then leans his head against mine. I feel his breath on my face, that causes goosebumps to prickle my skin and I close my eyes so as to fully appreciate the perfect tranquility of this moment. I tilt my head up and press my lips to his. He returns my kiss, but when I unbuckle my seat belt to move closer to him he suddenly pulls away and hangs his head.

"Elena..." he says softly shaking his head. "We shouldn't. There's still so much we need to talk about."

I don't say anything, but feel confused by his response after the day we've spent together. What has caused this sudden change in him?

"I just think...right now we need to focus on this, on finding the cure. We leave for Nova Scotia tomorrow and with any luck come Monday this will all be over. You'll have the cure, Klaus will go free, Shane will be gone...hopefully and-"

"And what about us?"

He stammers incoherently for a few moments and then says, "You know how I feel about you...that's never going to change. But we've been through so much, we can't...we can't just go back like nothing has happened."

I hang my head and feel the urge to burst into tears rise instantly. It was naive of me to think that one afternoon would be enough to erase the events of the last month, to think that just like that everything between us is magically fixed.

He reaches over, puts his hand under my chin and turns my face towards him. I have my eyes closed and he lightly whispers, "Hey. Hey, look at me."

When I open my eyes, I can barely see him through the blur of tears and he says, "I'm not saying never, I'm just saying for now..."

"No, it's okay. It's...it's too soon. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed..." My voice is cracked with the emotion I'm failing to conceal and I trail off mid sentence and turn my head away, unable to look into his eyes for a second longer.

"Don't...don't," he says his voice a whisper, twisting my head back to face him. He bends his head down so that his eyes are on mine and says, "I love you."

I hadn't realised it until right now, but those are the words I've been needing to hear for so long, and hearing them causes all of my resolve to instantly dissipate. I sigh deeply, my breathing jagged and then a quietly delightful and relieved chuckle escapes me, and I reach across the car to wrap my arms about him, my tears dripping onto his shirt as I nuzzle my face into the nape of his neck. I feel the gear stick digging into my ribs and I'm clinging to him so tightly that I'm sure I can hear his bones cracking, but neither one of us wavers. I feel his hand gently smoothing my hair that falls down my back and my body shakes against him as I quietly sob from the overwhelming sense of reprieve and joy I feel. When we eventually pull away from one another he kisses my cheek and wipes the snot from my face with the sleeve of his shirt.

"I'll walk you to the door," he says, before climbing out of the car and coming around to open the passenger door for me.

When I stand my legs are numb and trembling and he reaches his hand out to offer support. It's less than 10 feet to the door, but he walks me right up to the front door and waits for me as I fumble through my bag for the front door keys.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he says as I open the door.

I nod and he takes a step backwards before turning and heading for his car.

"Stefan?"

He stops and looks back over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He gives me a small smile and nod of his head, and then reaches his car and climbs in. I watch him reverse off the drive and disappear down the street and then slowly close the door, before falling back against it with a heavy exhalation. I clutch my hand to my chest and I can't help the smile that comes across my face. Stefan loves me. He loves me. After everything I have put him through I am not deserving or worthy of that love, but the fact that it still exists...It's  _everything_. Stefan's love and devotion is something I always expected, and so because of that I'd taken it for-granted, but I realise now how important it is. How much I need it, how much I  _want_  it. Because I do, I want him. I want Stefan, and today has confirmed that with absolute certainty.

I call out Jeremy's name and when he doesn't respond I head upstairs assuming he must still be asleep. I lightly tap his door, before stepping inside, but his room is in darkness and when I turn the light on his bed is empty and neatly made. I go to the bathroom, but he's not there either. I pull my phone from out of my bag and dial his number, but there's no answer. I call a few more times before leaving a voicemail telling him to call me back as soon as he gets my message. It's been a long day and all I want to do is relax on the couch in front of the TV, but I can't because despite Jeremy being a responsible adult, I can't help but worry about where he is. I text Bonnie to ask if she's spoken to him, but she doesn't respond either. The nagging feeling returns at full force and by now, I should've learned to always trust my instincts, but I put it down to paranoia and tell myself I'm being silly to worry and so make a cup of coffee, turn the TV on and sit down on the couch, my phone close by.

* * *

** STEFAN **

As I drive from Elena's, I head straight for Bonnie's house. She left half an hour before Elena and I so should be back home by now. I wanted to talk to her earlier, but couldn't risk Caroline or Elena over-hearing our conversation. It's almost 8pm and part of me just wants to turn around, head home, check on Damon and fall into bed, but I can't put this off any longer. I take my phone out, call Damon, place it on the dashboard on loud speaker, and just when it's about to ring out he answers.

"It's about time," I say. "Where have you been? I've been trying to call you."

"Just...out," he replies. The slight slur of his words immediately alerts me to the fact that he's been drinking.

"Are you at home?" I ask.

"Yep."

I roll my eyes. I know what this is about and although part of me expected it, I can't help but feel a twinge of frustration. But the second I feel it arising, I push it back down as I remember the two day bender I went on after finding out Damon and Elena had slept together. It doesn't matter how much I begrudge Damon's feelings for Elena, they still exist, just as mine do, which means that I understand his pain in a way that no one else can and punishing him for that would be hypocritical.

"Look, I know today has been...rough for you, but we need to talk. Caroline managed to convince Klaus to decode the map."

"What?" he exclaims, the revelation seeming to have sobered him up.

"We have it, Damon. The cure is in an island at Nova Scotia. Caroline booked the flights, we leave tomorrow."

He stammers in surprise and I cut him off saying, "I'll be back home in a half hour, we'll talk more then," before hanging up. I come to a stop on the pathway outside Bonnie's house and place my phone in my jean pocket, a heavy sigh escaping me. I told Elena that we needed to focus on the cure and everything that's happening now, and that's exactly why I'm here, but I yearn to turn back around and go to Elena. Her scent remains on my shirt and skin, and I can almost feel the contour of her body still pressed against mine. I wrap my arms about myself for just a moment and then get out of the car and head for the door. A few moments after I've knocked, I see the curtain flap in the window and then Bonnie's face appears in a crack of the door.

"Stefan, hi," she says.

"Hey. Sorry to just drop in on you like this,"

"No, it's fine," she says. "Is-is everything okay? Do you need help with something?"

"No, actually, there was something I wanted to talk to you about. Can I come in?"

She hesitates and turns her head back to look inside, then meets my eyes and says, "Sure," before opening the door wider to make room for me.

"Thanks," I say as I step over the threshold.

When I get inside Jeremy is sat on the couch in front of the fire and I frown at him in confusion.

"Jeremy."

"Stefan," he replies in acknowledgement.

"I just dropped Elena back home to check on you. Does she know you're here?"

He shakes his head and the frown on my face deepens.

"So, Stefan...what did you want to talk to me about?" Bonnie asks.

"Well...it's probably a good thing that Jeremy's here," I start and Jeremy gets up from the couch to stand beside Bonnie who is perched on the arm of the couch, wrapping his arm about her shoulders protectively. "I'm here to talk about Shane."

At the mention of Shane's name they both inhale sharply and exchange anxious glances.

"I don't know what's going on with him, but Klaus told me about all the visits and I...I guess I just wanted to check that everything was okay."

"Why wouldn't it be?" Jeremy asks defensively.

I shrug. "I dunno, but what I do know is that Shane is smart and he's a manipulator. If he has something that he's threatening you with, I can help."

"What makes you think he'd be threatening us?" Bonnie asks.

"With everything that happened at the lake house, I didn't expect you to be so willing to help him."

"He's linked to Elena. we're doing it for her, not him," Bonnie replies, firmly.

I nod. "I get that, I do. But if there's something more, something you're not telling me-"

"There isn't," Jeremy insists, his voice sharp.

I nod and say, "Okay, okay. Well, I guess I'll see you both tomorrow then. Jeremy, did Bonnie fill you in?"

"About Nova Scotia? Yeah, she did."

They both continue to stare at me intensely and I can see how stiff their bodies are with apprehension. I'm more sure than ever that there is something wrong and that my suspicions were not misplaced, but I also know that no matter how much I pry, neither one of them will give me the truth and so for now I have to accept their lies, until I find a way to investigate further.

"I best be going then," I say, shifting on my feet uncomfortably. "I'll let myself out."

I only realise just how thick the tension in the room was when I step outside. I inhale the fresh air and shake myself off, before heading back home. I've dealt with one problem (kind of) and now it's time to deal with the second; Damon. When I get inside, I'm surprised to find a relatively sober Damon sat at the kitchen table surrounded by empty plates.

"Had yourself a feast did we?" I ask.

"I was hungry and now I'm not," he replies.

I nod and flop down onto the seat opposite him with a groan.

"Long day, brother?"

"You could say that."

"So, how did Blondie mange to convince Klaus to give her the map?"

I shrug. "She won't go into detail."

"And that doesn't bother you?" he asks, his eyebrows raised.

"No, not really. Caroline put herself on the line to get the map, so if she wants to keep whatever deal she had to make to herself, that's her choice. I trust her."

He begrudgingly nods and then says, "So Nova Scotia, huh? Wasn't expecting that."

"What were you expecting?"

"I dunno, some parallel dimension or something. We're talking about a cure, the only cure for vampire in existence and it's just in the middle of some suburb in Nova Scotia?"

"It's not in a suburb. From what Klaus has given us and what we can make out on the map, it's a remote island off Nova Scotia. We'll know more when we get there."

"Yeah, thanks for roping me into this last minute trip, by the way."

"What would you prefer? That I leave you behind? Come on, Damon, you've been involved in this plan every step of the way. I know things aren't great with you and Elena right now, but-"

He scoffs loudly and I trail off mid-sentence.

"What?" I ask.

"I should've known she'd tell you."

"She didn't tell me everything."

He chuckles lightly and says, "Really? That makes a change. Usually she can't wait to run off and tell you everything that's going on with us. Unless it's about us sleeping together of course."

"Look, all she said is that she spoke to you about...the situation. You're lucky, she wouldn't have spoken to you at all if it wasn't for me."

"What do you mean, if it wasn't for you?" he asks his eyebrows raised, an intense look in his eyes.

I sigh deeply. "The night that we killed Kol, we were talking and I told her she should speak to you."

"Oh. You mean the night you slept on the couch alone?" he snipes.

I hang my head and can hear his breathing grow heavy, with the anger that is rising within him. I don't speak, because I don't know what to say and after a few moments, he says, "Did she tell you that she told me she loved me or did she miss that part out?"

I clear my throat. "No...she um, she told me."

"And you have nothing to say about that?" he says, getting up from his seat and getting in my face. I know what he's doing, he's frustrated and he's trying to pick a fight, but it won't work. I won't rise to it.

"What do you want me to say, Damon? It's not exactly like it's new information. I knew you were there for her when I was gone with Klaus and when my humanity was gone."

"My brother, always so righteous and forgiving. Doesn't it get tiring?"

I sigh. "I know what you're doing, Damon..."

"Does it really not bother you that your girlfriend loves me?"

"She's not my girlfriend, not anymore."

"But still, that's got to get your back up, right? Knowing that there's a part of her that will always want me."

I clench my jaw hard, and inhale deeply, attempting to fight the rage that is threatening to explode out of me and then get up from my seat and leave the room, so as to avoid having to hear anymore. He follows and just as I'm about to step into the living room, he comes right up behind me and says in my ear, "What about knowing that that spot right there..." he points over my shoulder to the back wall beside the fireplace, "...is where she pinned me up the wall and ripped my clothes off."

"Stop it, Damon," I say throwing my shoulder back forcefully to get him off me.

"Or that this spot where you're standing right now is where you were when you first found out that your own brother and the girl you loved had betrayed you and lied to you."

"I said, stop it!" I yell turning around and pushing him forcefully.

"Come on, Stefan, just admit it. Admit it! You hate me, you hate her, but most of all you hate the fact that she loves me."

"Damon, why do you have to be this way?" I ask him exasperated. "Why do you always have to do this? Elena hurt you and now you have to hurt me. Why? Don't you think you've already hurt me enough?"

"You? What about  _me_?" he shouts, pointing his finger to his own chest. "Do you really think I don't know what's going on? Elena's speech this morning, it wasn't about her and me, it was about  _you_.

"Elena told you she loved you. How-How is that about me?"

"She doesn't love me. Not the way I love her and not the way she loves you. The only reason she said that this morning was to free herself. She knew that we could never move forward until she admitted her feelings for me. And I'm guessing that's what you said to her that night when you told her to speak to me."

I sigh and bow my head, and he says, "See?"

"Damon, please, can we just stop this? I know you think I hate you and it would probably make it easier for both of us if I did, but I don't and I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting you on this. Elena isn't some aged bottle of bourbon in the bottom of your underwear drawer that we're arguing over, she's a  _person_ and she doesn't belong to either of us. _"_

"Doesn't she?"

I shake my head. "No, she doesn't," I say firmly, before sighing deeply. "I love her, Damon and I know you love her, but no amount of fighting is going to fix this. We're on the same side, we want the same thing and if after the end of all this she wants to be with one of us...then the other will just have to accept that."

"Oh, don't tell me you're going to suggest another pact like the one we made before. We both know how well that went," he says.

"No, I'm not suggesting a pact, I'm suggesting something new, something we've never considered before; a truce."

"A truce? I don't know the meaning of the word," he says, his mouth pulled up into a smirk.

"I mean it, Damon. Let's end this once and for all. Look at what happened with Katherine. Loving her destroyed us, it's the reason we've fought and resented each other for over a century and we...we can't make the same mistake again."

The smirk falls from his face and I see the seriousness return to his eyes, as he runs his tongue over his teeth and narrows his eyes as he absorbs my words.

"I don't  _want_  to make that same mistake again and deep down...I don't think you do either."

He shifts on his feet, his eyes on the ground and I reach my hand out to him. It feels that my hand remains floating in the air for a lifetime and when I see his arm move and feel his hand grab mine firmly, a sigh of relief escapes me and my entire being softens. When I look up to his face, he has a half smile on his face and I recognise the small nod he gives me as his way of saying, "it's us against the world, brother", which comforts me to no end.

"So..." I say, clearing my throat and letting go of his hand. "A drink?"

"Nah. I'll have a coffee though," he replies.

I turn from table that holds the numerous bottles of bourbon to look over my shoulder at him, my eyebrows raised.

"What? I'm still trying to sober up," he says and I chuckle under my breath.

* * *

** DAMON **

The next couple of hours pass by, with Stefan perched in his armchair, reading a book off his lap and me sat on the couch, pondering over our conversation, with the only sounds present being the cackling of the fire. Somewhere inside me there's still a cesspool of residual bitterness and animosity, but I heard Stefan's words loud and clear and as much as it pains me to admit it, he's right. I don't want to repeat history and despite my promise to give my brother a lifetime of misery, I'm tired of it. I don't want to spend the rest of eternity continuing with this endless cycle of vengeance and hatred, even if it is what comes naturally to me. I want to be better, I want to  _do_  better. I've become so obsessed with winning Elena from my brother that I failed to see the extent of the damage that it was causing, not just to her, but to all of us, and when it comes down to it, my feelings for Elena aren't about trying to get one up on Stefan, they're about her. I love her, I want her to be happy and safe, and as much as I might resent the fact that that happiness might not necessarily be with me, I need to find a way to accept it. It's not in my nature to let things go, to forgive and forget and move on, the 145 years I spent waiting for Katherine are proof of that, but Elena is not Katherine; loving her inspires something different in me. I may have killed those innocent people in cold blood earlier today and felt no remorse, but I'm sitting here now and I  _want_  to change, whereas on any other occasion I would still be out there now, leaving a trail of more bodies as I continue on a downward spiral of self pity and abundant rage.

The ambiance of the room is suddenly disturbed by the sounds of text tones simultaneously blaring from mine and Stefan's phones. He looks up from his book, a puzzled frown on his face to match mine and we reach for our phones. I note the time, 00:03, and with a worried and puzzled frown on my face, I open the text from Bonnie which reads:

"911, get to Elena's NOW."

In the time it takes me to read it, Stefan has already jumped up from his seat in unison with me. I meet his anxious glare and we both disappear out into the night, not even bothering to take the car. I'm not sure how long it is before we're in Elena's street, it feels like a millisecond. Stefan reaches the porch before me and knocks the door, but the second his fist comes into contact with it, it gently falls open causing my pulse to grow even more erratic and my heart to drum harder against my chest. Stefan looks back to me concern on his face and I get up close behind him, as we cautiously push the door open. My eyes immediately fall on two heads; one brunette, the other blonde, both drooped down at the far side of the kitchen.

"Elena! Caroline!" Stefan yells out in terror. He's at their side before I even have the chance to blink, bending over them both, checking them for signs of life.

I slowly walk toward Stefan, my eyes searching the room with suspicion.

"They're okay. They're just knocked out," he informs me.

"Something's not right," I say quietly, a hard frown on my face. I try to listen for the sounds of anyone else, but my heart is loud in my ears and so is Stefan's panic.

"Damon? Damon? What are you doing? Come on, help me get them out of here. Come on!"

He starts fumbling with the chains that are binding Elena's ankles and I suddenly hear footsteps from upstairs. I tilt my head up to see an arm fling something over the banister and a small, round black object rolls onto the floor.

I gasp loudly, my body tenses and I scream "RUN!" at the top of my lungs. My hand instinctively reaches out for Stefan and I mange to pull him a few feet along with me, but the explosion is instant and the fog that emerges from it fills the room and my limbs grow heavy. I feel my grip loosen from Stefan's arm and when I turn I see him collapse to the ground. I take a few pitiless steps back towards him so as to carry him out, and I try to say his name, but my tongue catches in my mouth and I can't fight it any longer. I feel my eyes roll back in my head, my legs fold beneath me and my body slumps down on top of Stefan.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the map of the cure now complete, the cure is in within reach. As Elena, Stefan, Damon and Caroline travel to Nova Scotia and grow ever closer to the cure, they must face new betrayals and secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual content featured.

** STEFAN **

I feel Damon's name etched on my lips, but no sound comes out. I scream his name in my head and as the darkness lifts, confusion sets in, instantly followed by panic. When I pry my eyes open I'm greeted by the hazy outlines of four familiar faces.

"Stefan? Stefan, are you okay?" Caroline asks worriedly.

I feel a hand reach out to me and help me sit up. My hand goes to my head as I attempt to fight my way through the lingering fog and notice I'm laid on Elena's couch.

"Wh-what happened?" I ask.

"Long story, brother," Damon replies. "We've got ourselves a bit of a situation, but before we explain, you better drink this."

He tosses me a blood bag and I don't hesitate in ripping it open, and the second I've finished I get up, my strength having returned and ask again more firmly, "So who's going to tell me what happened?"

Elena remains sitting on the couch across from me, with her head bowed down against her chest, Matt sat beside her, the same look of bewilderment and concern on his face that's usually present.

Caroline explains, "Well, I was at home and I was just finishing packing some last minute things for the trip tomorrow, you know, some shoes and..."

"Get to the point, Blondie," Damon snaps, cutting her off.

She shoots a poisonous glare at him and then carries on. "Bonnie texted me to meet here, said it was an emergency and to bring the map and the plane tickets with me."

"We got the same text," I say, looking up to Damon a frown on my face.

"I didn't even think to ask any questions. I just got in my car and I came straight over, but-but when I got here, Elena...she was tied up and I ran to help her and that's when I saw Bonnie and Jeremy. I asked them to help me with Elena, but she just...she said sorry and then nothing."

"Vervain," Damon says meeting my eyes.

"When I woke up, you and Damon were here too," Caroline continues. "I managed to reach my phone and call Matt, but...the tickets and the map...they were gone."

I shake my head in disbelief as I attempt to correlate the events and sync them up in my mind.

"Why would they do this?" I ask, my eyes looking up to the ceiling.

"They must be compelled. It must be Klaus, it has to be. They'd never do something like this otherwise," Caroline says.

"Jeremy can't be compelled, he's a Hunter and Bonnie's a witch," I remind them. "And anyway, that still doesn't explain  _why_. Why would Klaus want them to do this? He gave us the map and he  _wants_  us to find the cure for Elena."

"Thank you, that's exactly what I said," Damon states.

I return to my earlier conversation with Bonnie and Jeremy at Bonnie's house and kick myself. I  _knew_  something wasn't right, but I ignored it and now this has happened. I dare not admit my suspicions to them, because it would only cause unnecessary tension and we need to focus on finding Jeremy and Bonnie.

"Well, enough sitting around and asking questions. We're all good, so I say we get our asses round to Klaus' and ask him what the hell is going on," Damon says.

"What-what time is it? How long we were out?" I ask searching the room.

"It's almost 5," Caroline answers.

"Five?" I exclaim in shock. "How much vervain was in those grenades?"

"A lot. They needed us to be out long enough so that we couldn't stop them, and it worked," Damon says to which Caroline adds, "Our flight leaves from Philadelphia in five hours. We'd never make it."

"Oh, by the way, for future reference, if we're planning a last minute trip, let's not let Caroline handle it," Damon snipes.

"You're really going to try and put the blame on  _me_  for this?" Caroline bites turning and getting in Damon's face. "Philadelphia was the only place that had a flight out with enough seats available on such short notice. And anyway, at least I actually did  _something._  If it wasn't for me we wouldn't even have the map."

Damon scoffs lightly. "What do you want? A pat on the back? There you go," he replies, hitting her on the back and causing her to squirm.

"Stop, just stop," I say irritably. "We don't have time for this. Every second we stand around here arguing is another second that Bonnie and Jeremy get away. We need to get over to Klaus' and find out what he knows."

Damon and Caroline glare at each other one last time, then turn to me and nod in agreement, before heading for the door. I get up and follow on wobbly legs, and notice that Elena is still sat on the couch.

"Elena?" I question.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. I'm right behind you," she replies getting up and slowly walking towards me.

"Everything's going to be okay, you know." I say, as she's about to pass me. "Whatever's going on, we'll find a way to stop it. If it's compulsion we'll break it, we'll-"

"You said it yourself, Stefan. Jeremy can't be compelled and neither can Bonnie. I just...I have a really bad feeling about all of this," she says, her lip practically trembling.

I wrap my arm about her and pull her into me for a brief moment, before Damon hollers at us to hurry up. After dropping a bitter Matt back home despite his insisitence he help, we arrive at Klaus', to find him already on his feet as though in anticipation of our arrival.

"Well, it's about bloody time!" he exclaims. "The witch and the Hunter have already been and they've taken Shane."

Shane. I should've known.

"Shane?" Damon, Caroline and Elena question in unison, looks of confusion on their faces.

"You should've let me out of here, I could've stopped this," Klaus says loudly.

"Not now, Klaus," Damon snaps.

He bangs his foot like an adolescent and part of me wishes we had let Klaus go free, because I believe he could've prevented this and given the circumstances I'd also be grateful for his assistance, but unfortunately the only person that can drop the veil is Bonnie.

"Do you have any idea why they've done this? Why they've taken the map and the tickets and Shane? What do they want?" Caroline asks Klaus exasperated.

He shrugs. "Just because Shane was my prisoner doesn't mean he stopped being a threat. He never stopped wanting Silas and being a man close to my own heart, I can say with some certainty that he likely never stopped working on a plan to get exactly that. He wasn't going to rely on me keeping up my end of the deal once we found the cure, he wanted a guarantee that he would get Silas and I guess he found a way to do that through the witch. When you locked me up in this room, you left yourselves vulnerable to him and anything that happens now is  _your_  doing."

"Urgh! You're no help at all!" Caroline yells to which Klaus lets out an amused chuckle.

"Look, I told Stefan about Bonnie and Jeremy's meetings with Shane and with that I allowed him to handle it in the way he felt best."

"What?" Damon and Elena exclaim, turning their heads to look at me. And just like that, my secret is out in the open.

"Stefan, you knew about this?" Elena asks, hurt in her voice.

"No, I didn't," I reply defensively. "Klaus told me about the meetings, I asked Bonnie and Jeremy about it, they said it was nothing and I believed them. And anyway, we  _all_  noticed they were acting strange, but we didn't do anything because it's Bonnie and Jeremy."

Caroline sighs and says, "Elena, he's right. I confronted Bonnie about Shane, and I thought something was off, but I...I should've just pushed harder. I didn't because it's Bonnie, but I should've. I could've stopped this by being there for her."

"We can't blame ourselves," I say.

"Why not?" Elena pipes up unexpectedly. "Bonnie is our best friend and Jeremy is my brother and I didn't even...I didn't see what was going on. If I'd have just paid more attention, asked if they were okay, I could've...I would've realised something was wrong and I could've helped," she says echoing Caroline's sense of blame.

"Shane had his hooks deep into Bonnie, you couldn't have done anything," Damon replies in an attempt to comfort her.

"So that's been his plan all along? To use Bonnie and Jeremy to get Silas? But how? Why would they even agree to help him with something like that?" Elena asks exasperated.

"We don't know the full story. Maybe they made a deal with him. If Bonnie agreed to do the spell to resurrect Silas without us, maybe he agreed to give her the cure and leave," I say, attempting to make sense of Bonnie and Jeremy's actions.

Elena shakes her head. "They wouldn't do that. Not without telling us about it."

"Unless he threatened them or us," Damon says.

"None of that matters now, we need to get to Nova Scotia and find out for ourselves," I say.

"How? They took our plane tickets and we won't get another flight out this close to the holidays," Caroline says.

"So, we'll drive down."

"Drive? But that'll take days," Elena says defeated.

"We don't have any other options," I reply.

"We better get going, then," Damon says, taking off on his toes for the front door.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Klaus calls out, causing us to turn back. "You need to find a way to get me out of here."

"And how are we supposed to do that without Bonnie?" Caroline asks.

"I know a few witches. Hand me my phone and I'll make a call."

I look to Caroline and then I say, "We don't have the time for that."

"None of this would've happened if you hadn't of betrayed me, now don't make that same mistake again. If you let me go now, I might just find it in my heart to forgive you."

"I already made a deal with you, Klaus and you promised not to hurt us. The deal still stands."

"Does it now?"

"Yes, it does," she replies firmly. "We can handle this. Bonnie and Jeremy are  _our_  friends."

He smiles to himself and scratches his head, and the four of us leave without another word.

* * *

** DAMON **

It's less than 15 minutes before Stefan and I arrive home and have our bags packed ready to hit the road. By now I'm accustomed to these sudden and shocking changes in circumstances, so I'm numb to it. I feel determined and raring for the fight ahead, whatever it may bring.

"So, what's the plan?" I ask Stefan dumping my bag at the front door.

"Caroline should be at Elena's now, so we take your car, get over there and then we leave straightaway."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"What?" he questions.

"The map, dumbass. How are we supposed to know where we're going without the map?"

"Caroline has pictures on her phone,  _dumbass_ ," he retorts.

"Well, that's everything then. Let's go, brother," I say swinging my bag over my shoulder and leaving.

When we get to Elena's, she's quiet and I can sense her anxiety. After 10 minutes or so of staring at the photos on Caroline's phone of the map and squabbling, we manage to make some sense of the directions and set off on the road armed with a map each covered in scribble. It's already after 7am by the time we finally hit the road and we're greeted by blue skies and birdsong. Aside from the hours that I spent in a vervain induced coma, I haven't slept, but I feel surprisingly refreshed. Stefan is sat in the passenger seat, loudly clattering through the CD's in my glove box in an attempt to find one that he hasn't heard a thousand times before and I can sense how agitated he is.

"I know you're in a bad mood, but there's no need to take it out on my sterling collection of power ballads," I say with a smirk.

He exhales and returns the CD's back into the glove box, then says, "I knew something was off."

"What do you mean? With Bonnie?"

"Yeah. I sensed something was wrong and then Klaus told me about the visits and that made me more suspicious, but I...I kept ignoring it."

He falls silent for a few moments and then says, "I went to see her last night. Bonnie. I wanted to ask her about Shane and when I got there Jeremy was there."

"What? What did they say?" I ask.

"Nothing, nothing at all, but they were...they were tense almost like they were afraid of something."

"Shane?"

"Gotta be. But the point is, I knew they were lying when they said everything was okay and I left and a couple of hours later they did this. Elena and Caroline keep blaming themselves, but this...this is  _my_  fault. I'm the one that could've stopped them and I should've," he says hanging his head in shame.

I sigh deeply. "Look, Stef, believe me when I say no one enjoys seeing your misery more than me, but it's no one's fault. Whatever Shane's got on them...it must be big. I doubt anyone could've stopped it."

"I could've  _tried_ ," he replies, his voice dripping with guilt.

"Every single plan we've made so far to find this cure has failed. All of them. What made you think this would be any different? Let's face it, we suck at this," I say with a light laugh.

"But this is different. These aren't our enemies, Damon, it's Jeremy and it's Bonnie. These are people we care about and they betrayed us. What if they're hurt? What if they're dead? Or worse, what if it comes down to a fight and we have to stop them?"

I shake my head, determined not to let his pessimism infect me. One of us has to remain strong.

"We'll save Bonnie and Jeremy and we'll get the cure. We've got this far, what's one more hurdle?"

"I hope you're right," he says, before twisting his head and looking out of the window.

I understand Stefan's guilt and doubt, and although I'd never admit it, I carry it just the same. Klaus may not have told me directly about Bonnie and Jeremy's visits with Shane, but the signs were there, I just didn't notice because I didn't  _want_  to. Instead I spent the entirety of yesterday throwing a pity party for one when I should've been with my brother, with Elena, with the people that although I may pretend otherwise, I actually  _care_  about. All this time I've been convincing myself and everyone around me that my only reasons for wanting to find the cure are for Elena, but the truth is it's become about a lot more than that and I hadn't realised until now. Sure, the cure will give Elena back her life and in the process hopefully make her happy, but there's more to this now. I don't want any harm to come to Jeremy or Bonnie, I even believe I would be sad if anything happened to Caroline. This may have started out as a hunt for a cure, but now it's a fight to stay alive, to reach the finish line and I want to make sure that it's me, Stefan, Elena, Bonnie, Jeremy and Caroline that are the ones that reach that finish line first.

Luckily for us, being vampires means that we can withstand long periods of times without the necessary things humans need to function such as food, water, bathroom breaks and naps. There's a pile of blood bags on the back seat and a sip from them every few hours or so keeps us alert and aside from having to compel a bunch of traffic wardens and police officers along the way that catch us speeding, we manage to kill 10 hours in one sitting.

Stefan's mood remains solemn and every attempt I make at small talk fails, so I eventually relent and we remain in silence. When night falls, we pull over at a gas station to re-fuel and it feels good to stretch my legs and to have a moment away from Stefan's dreary face. I go to Elena to check in with her and she greets me with a pitiful smile.

"How are you feeling?" I ask with genuine concern.

"I'm...I'm okay," she says and I know her well enough to know she's lying.

I want desperately to break through her grey mood, but I don't know how. Usually a brazen joke or flirtatious comment does the trick, but it won't this time. Caroline and Stefan emerge from the store with bags of snacks and cups of coffee in tow, which are no doubt their attempt to lift our moods. Caroline hands one to Elena and she takes a sip, and I can see that something as small as hot coffee brings her a moment of relief.

"I was thinking we should spend the night in a motel," I say.

"What?" Caroline exclaims in horror.

"We've been on the road for 10 hours, that's half way. We need to take some time to recuperate."

"No, it's not an option, Damon," Stefan says.

"Bonnie and Jeremy's flight will have landed by now, we can't afford to waste anymore time," Caroline adds.

"Caroline's right. We've already wasted enough time," Stefan agrees.

I look to Elena in the hopes she will back me, but she meets my eyes, tilts her head to the side and I know that she agrees with Stefan and Caroline.

"Okay, fine, fine. Majority rules and whatever, but we're gonna have to stop eventually."

"Why?" Elena asks.

"For one thing we don't even know where the hell we're going."

"What do you mean?" Stefan asks. "We have the map. It's all right here."

"And you think it's gonna be that easy? We were supposed to be here with Jeremy, Bonnie, Klaus  _and_  Shane. We're just treading water here."

"We don't need to hear this right now, Damon," Stefan says shooting me a disapproving glare.

"Why not? It's just the truth. Bonnie's the one with the magic, Jeremy has the tattoos, Klaus knows how to read the map and Shane is the cure/Silas expert. We have no idea what we're doing here," I say frustratingly.

"That's enough, Damon!" Elena explodes unexpectedly, causing Stefan, Caroline and I to all jerk our heads to her in surprise. "This is my  _brother_ and _best friend,_ we're talking about. For all we know they could be hurt or even worse. It doesn't matter if we don't know everything, we have to try. We have to find them and bring them home and right now, I don't care about anything else. Everything we've done to find this cure means nothing if anything happens to them. So I don't care if we don't know where we going or if we don't have magic or Klaus or Shane, because I will do  _whatever it takes_  to find Jeremy and Bonnie."

She stands firmly on the spot, her breathing heavy, her eyes intensely ferocious and a small exhalation escapes me.  _That's my girl_. This is the Elena I love, the one that's strong, that fights and I'm glad my words were enough to bring her back to that and drag her out of the fear that I know has been paralysing her since we found out about Bonnie and Jeremy.

Caroline goes to her and drapes her arms about her shoulder and says comfortingly, "And we will find them, Elena. Whatever it takes. Isn't that right, Damon?"

I nod and the two of them head back to Caroline's car and get in without another word. Stefan turns to me and patronisingly says, "Smooth. Really smooth."

"What? Don't blame me just because I'm the only one that says it how it is."

"It's always so black and white with you, isn't it, Damon? Did you ever consider that maybe right now what they need, what we all need, is hope?"

"Hope?" I scoff. "Hope never did anybody any good. We need to be realistic. We're in way over our heads, just like we always are and it's time we all prepared ourselves for what's to come."

"And what's that?"

"I don't know, Stefan. But now isn't the time to be scared or sad, now is the time to be strong. Elena needed to hear what I just said, so did Caroline and I'm not sorry I said it."

He sighs deeply and half shakes his head, but he doesn't argue back because he knows I'm right, even if he won't admit that.

"Come on, we better get back on the road. I'll drive," he says taking the car keys from my hand and climbing into the drivers seat.

* * *

** ELENA **

The second half of the trip seems to pass by quickly. Damon's words at the gas station sparked something inside me and the passive mood I succumbed to yesterday has faded and been replaced by my usual determination. Caroline manages to maintain her outward optimism and I find her incessant small talk and singing to be somewhat of a comfort, even if it doesn't take my mind off of what's ahead of us.

The second that I saw Bonnie and Jeremy's faces just before they threw that vervain grenade, I was paralysed. At first it was shock, but that quickly gave way to fear. Of all the things I've faced, this has ignited a new kind of fear, simply because it's Jeremy and Bonnie. They're not my enemies, they're my  _family_  and everything about this is unfamiliar territory. I've been betrayed by those that I've loved in the past, but never them. Never. And the fact that they have gone to such lengths to derail our plans terrifies me, because I can't fathom what would make them do that. Compulsion is the only way I would've believed it were possible to get them to turn on us like this, but that's impossible, so what else could it be? It's so baffling that no matter how hard I strain my mind I can't seem to come up with an answer. All I can do is cling to the trust I still have for them and have faith that whatever they're doing is justified. Maybe it's naive of me to believe after all of this that they're still on our side and that this is something they've done for our benefit, but what else can I do? I've only just about managed to regain hope for the future and I'm not ready to let go of that so soon by losing faith in Bonnie and Jeremy. Caroline's right, we will find them and when we do they'll explain and we'll understand.

At around 5pm Damon's car stops up ahead and Caroline pulls in behind. We've been on the road for so long that every street has merged into one and all there is to identify where we are is vast country and a street sign that reads "5 miles to town".

"This is as far as it goes," Stefan states as he climbs out of the car, the map in his hand.

"What?" Caroline exclaims, reaching in the car for her own map. "But...that can't be."

"Told you we were going to get lost," Damon says to which Caroline wrinkles her nose at him in annoyance.

"Maybe we took a wrong turning somewhere," I say reaching for the map from Stefan's hands and glancing over it.

"No. I would've known. I've followed it so carefully," Stefan says with certainty.

"So what are we going to do now, genius?" Damon asks Caroline.

"Okay, so I don't know everything! Neither do you," Caroline snaps.

"Look, there's got to be something we're missing," Stefan says, ever the voice of reason. "We'll carry on driving until we get to the town and we'll stop off at a motel to look back over the photos of the tattoos and the map, and see what we've missed."

I look up at him a proud smile on my face and Damon and Caroline nod in agreement, before both taking off on their heels, like a pair of overgrown teenagers. Stefan rolls his eyes as do I and then we both let out an amused chuckle.

"So, do you really think that we'll be able to find whatever we're missing?" I ask him.

He scratches his head and then says, "Yeah, I do. And even if we don't Bonnie and Jeremy are using the same map as us, so they must be here somewhere. Maybe we won't find the cure, but we'll find them."

I nod. "What I said about the cure, about not caring about it...I meant it, but I...I still-"

"I know," he replies, before I have the chance to finish my sentence.

"But just promise me that if this all turns out to be true and we find the cure...just promise me you won't risk your life for it, because it's not worth it, Stefan."

"Isn't it?" he asks, meeting my eyes.

"No, it's not," I say stepping closer to him. "It's not worth your life. Nothing is."

A soft smile comes across his face, as he leans into me and his eyes go down to my mouth, but the tender moment comes to an abrupt end by an impatient Damon honking the horn.

"Come on! Let's go!" he yells out of the window.

Stefan and I roll our eyes in unison and break apart, yet another moment between us left unfinished.

* * *

** DAMON **

We book into the first motel we come across, which is a hovel with hideously, outdated textured orange wallpaper and dimly lit halls due to the glass light shades that are full of dust. Caroline mutters in disapproval, but I'm just relieved to be off the road. All of us are irritable and snappy with one another, so the second we have the keys we grab our bags from the car and Caroline and Elena disappear into the twin room they're sharing next to the one Stefan and I are sharing. Stefan wastes no time in pulling the maps out and spreading them across his bed, with his phone in his hand and I watch him squint at the maps and then at his phone and back again, as he attempts to decipher them and I wonder how he still has the energy.

"Are you gonna help or are you just gonna stand there and watch?" he asks, not taking his eyes off his phone.

"Help with what? We've been over them a thousand times. We haven't missed anything, we followed it down to a T and it led us to that road in the middle of no where. When are you gonna admit that there is no cure and that this was all for nothing?"

He slams his phone down then and looks up at me from underneath his eyebrows which are furrowed into an angry frown. "Is that what you think? That all of this was for nothing? Even if there's no cure and this is nothing more than a wild goose chase, we still have to find Bonnie and Jeremy. They're trying to find the cure too and they used this map to do it, which means they're here somewhere."

"Okay, so even if we do find Bonnie and Jeremy..."

"When," he corrects.

"...what are we going to do then? Come on, Stefan. You're always the one with the brilliant ideas, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, Damon!" he shouts jumping up from the bed and throwing the maps across the room in a rage. "I don't know, okay?"

I shake my head and turn on my heels, slamming the door shut behind me too exhausted to fight with him. I head downstairs and out the front, desperate for some air to clear my head. I exhale heavily as I lift my head up to the black sky and when I look down I see Elena perched against the wall of the motel.

"Hey," she says.

"Oh...hey," I say, not expecting to see her out here. "I thought you were resting."

She shakes her head. "Couldn't sleep, and Caroline's snoring doesn't help."

I chuckle lightly which causes her to crack a small smile and I get closer to her, leaning against the wall beside her and looking out ahead at the car park that is completely empty, aside from two cars, which likely belong to the staff.

"I heard what you were just saying," she starts. "That you think all of this is for nothing."

I stammer a moment and she hangs her head and adds, "It's okay. I know you never really believed all of that stuff about the cure, you only went along with it for me and Stefan. I'm not sure if I ever really believed it myself, but...but Stefan, he gave me hope."

"Well, that's my brother," I say attempting to mask the hurt I feel to hear he speak so fondly of Stefan.

"I can let go of that hope about the cure, but I can't let go of the hope that we're going to find Jeremy and Bonnie. I never will."

I nod and reply with, "I know. I know that."

"So if you don't want to be here, if you think all of this is for nothing, if you don't care about Jeremy or Bonnie, you can leave. You can turn around and go home, no one's stopping you."

I turn to stare at her, unsure of what to say.

"You know I won't do that," I say, after what feels like a lifetime of silence.

"I just...I can't keep doing it, Damon. Whenever I feel even a glimmer of hope, you...you always tear it apart. And I...I..." she trails off and sighs lightly.

"Why do you think I do it, huh? Why do you think I said what I said at the gas station? Stefan and Caroline, they're the optimists, but me, I'm a realist. My brother is the bearer of false hope, and I don't want...I'm trying to help you, Elena. If the worst happens you need to prepared. There's no use in pretending everything's going to be okay, because it's not."

She turns to face me, her dark eyes glistening with the tears that she refuses to cry.

"I know that," she says her voice quiet. "But we don't have to assume the worst either. Everything could still work out and that's what having hope is, Damon."

I shake my head, frustrated that she doesn't seem to be taking in my advice and already I can sense the change in her attitude as a result of the time she's spent with Stefan.

"Sounds like you've been spending too much time with Stefan. So much for needing time alone," I say, unable to hide my bitterness.

She sighs deeply and stands up right, turning her body towards me as she says, "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"That. The snide comments. If you want to know about Stefan, ask."

"Fine. Are you two back together? There, I asked."

She meets my eyes nervously and then breaks away. "I...I don't know," she answers her voice quiet. "We've been getting closer again and we...we kissed."

I inhale sharply, having felt like a shard of wood has just been plummeted into my stomach.

"I'm sorry," she says shaking her head. "I just...I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to lie to you either. You need to know these things, Damon. You need to know that I love him."

I bite down on my lip and nod my head, the unexpected urge to sob taking me over. I don't cry in front of people, not ever, so I fight it with all my might, determined not to shed a tear in front of her. It's not the first time she's professed her love for Stefan to me, yet every time she does it hurts that little bit more.

"So, I guess that means there's no chance that you want to take back everything you said the other day," I say quietly with a light laugh, my pathetic attempt at masking the pain.

She tilts her head to the side, guilt and sympathy in her eyes and then shakes her head. "When I broke up with Stefan, I...I didn't really think it through. I was running on emotion, I was afraid and I was lost, but this is different. Telling you that I loved you and being truthful with you about what I want from you, it wasn't something I just did on the spot. I'd been thinking about it a lot and-"

"I get it. You made a mistake with me and now you're trying to correct that mistake. It's cool."

"No, Damon, I didn't say that."

"I'm paraphrasing."

She raises her eyebrows at me and says, "I was worried about you the other day, after we talked at The Boarding House. You weren't answering your phone and I was scared you might have done something...reckless, but you didn't..."

That's what she thinks.

"...and that just shows how much you've grown, Damon. I've never...I've never been able to talk to you like this before..."

It's true, she hasn't, because this is the first time I've actually taken the time to listen to her without my temper getting the best of me. I guess Elena isn't the only person that Stefan has inspired. Even now his words about a truce are running through my mind and are what are enabling me to remain calm and collected.

I sigh. "You know...the one thing I  _did_ have hope for was us. It's the only thing in my entire life that I hoped for and look at where it got me."

"Damon..." she says reaching out to place an sympathetic hand on my arm.

"No, don't," I say gently shrugging her off me, unable to withstand the pain of her touch. "Just stop apologising. You've made your choice and as much as I hate it, I'll accept it, because what else can I do? I thought I could win you from my brother fair and square, but you don't want me and besides, Stefan has a point. You're not a prize to be won, and you deserve more. You deserve better than me. I get why you love my brother, because he's ten times the man I'll ever be and I think that if I let myself admit it, I've always known it would end this way. There was never going to be a happy ending for us, no matter how hard I hoped for it."

She stares on at me in awe, her lips parted slightly, then sniffs and says, "You're a good man, Damon Salvatore."

I jerk my head to her my eyes wide in surprise. Of all the things she's ever said to me, those words, along with I love you are the most meaningful and precious. No one has ever said that about me before, no one, not even when I was a kid but the fact that she sees good in me is one of the reasons I love her most, because if she believes it, it must be true. I can't stop the beaming smile that comes across my face and despite pushing her away a moment ago because it was too painful, I find myself wrapping my arms about her, unable to contain my gratitude. She returns my hug and although I'm overtaken by love, this moment feels different than anything I've ever shared with her before, even more profound than when we shared our first kiss or when we made love, because this is the first time we have truly heard each other. There's none of the usual animosity or anger or fire that is between us, just understanding and respect. I never thought we'd get to this place of clarity, but Elena finally admitting the truth to herself and to me has set us free and finally put an end to the cycle I have been caught in since 1864. The hope I had for a romantic future with Elena may have been misplaced, but the hope that she, my brother and I would somehow find peace wasn't, because there  _is_  still hope and this moment proves it.

* * *

** STEFAN **

By the time midnight arrives Damon is tucked up in his bed sound asleep. He returned back to the room half an hour or so after he left and surprisingly got to work on helping me to study the maps. We didn't find anything new, and despite scrutinizing them the map ends in the exact location that we reached earlier in the middle of the country. The maps are across the room now folded up and I'm lying in bed in the darkness, too agitated to drift off to sleep. I wonder where Damon disappeared to earlier, because it seemed to unburden him and give him a new lease of energy, which is what I need. I can hear Caroline's light snoring through the thin walls that separate our room from hers and Elena's, and can hear vague fidgeting that tells me Elena can't sleep either. It feels like a lifetime since I sat beside her in my car and told her I loved her and I yearn for her to be in bed beside me. Each minute that passes I know with absolute certainty that despite the depth her betrayal it hasn't in anyway changed the love I have for her. There were moments when I was sure I hated her, but I can't find it in my heart to and not only because the love I bear her is so much stronger, but also because if I was unable to forgive her I would be a hypocrite considering the sheer compassion and mercy she has shown me. Maybe it makes me weak that I'm so willing to forgive her but the alternative is unthinkable; an eternity without her by my side, with only my bitterness and resentment to keep me company. I've spent over a century burdened by the emotions I've been unable to let go and I don't want to do that with Elena. She's the best thing to ever happen to me and holding onto the anger I feel about her and Damon will change that and I can't let that happen. I don't want it to happen.

I hear her tossing and turning next door, grunting as she does and I know she is plagued by the same thoughts as me. She's anxious about Jeremy and Bonnie, uncertain about the cure, afraid for tomorrow, longing for me and frustrated because of the interwoven bumble of emotions thrashing around inside her. I pull the sheet up to my chin and force my eyes shut, desperate for sleep to take me, but I know that I will not be able to rest until I've satiated the desperate hunger that is expanding within me with every beat of her heart that I hear through the wall.

* * *

** ELENA **

The anxiety I feel about Jeremy and Bonnie that has kept me awake for the last hour seems to blur with the ravenous need to be close to Stefan as I twitch and shift restlessly. Being apart from Stefan is never easy, but at times like these when I'm nervous and on edge I notice it even more, because he's the one that keeps me grounded and provides me with repose. I can hear him breathing lightly and knowing that there's only this wall separating us frustrates and causes me to kick my feet irritably. Caroline lightly groans and turns over so that her back is facing me, my fidgeting having disturbed her and finally I can't take anymore, so I throw the sheet off me and climb out of bed. The room is in complete darkness, apart from a slight orange hue coming through the grey curtains from the street light outside, but with my vampire vision, I can clearly see the path to the door and proceed to speed out of the door. I come to an abrupt stop and close the door gently, so as not to wake Caroline and when I turn around my eyes immediately fall on Stefan. Wearing only black briefs, he stands firmly on the spot, his perfectly sculpted body tense, his chest rising and falling rapidly. I can't help my wandering eyes that repeatedly flit up and down in awe of his body and when I meet his eyes, they're so vividly lustful that my breath catches in my throat and a low gasp escapes him as I throw myself into his body at full speed. His back hits the wall and I grab at his neck, reaching up and pressing my lips to his hard and fast. He reaches for my face to pull it against his more firmly, as his tongue expertly whirls against mine and the need I have for him is so vast that I instantly become frenzied with a passion so intense that it has me groaning against his mouth loud enough that I can hear it echoing in the very depths of my soul. I can feel his hardness against me which tells me that he is here in this moment with me and my kiss grows more wild as I bite his lower lip, overtaken by sexual desire.

He reaches for my lower back, pulling me into him and I can feel the hotness and stickiness of his skin against mine, along with the pounding of his heart. He moves from my mouth and buries his face into my hair and then the nape of my neck, tracing his tongue against me and leaving a trail of his saliva on my burning skin. I let my head fall back, my eyes closed, and as I get swept up in the sensations, I twist my fingers up into his hair and pull it lightly, causing him to grunt and put his lips back to mine. He lifts me up and dashes across the room so that it is me that is up against the wall and I wrap my legs around him tightly. By now we are so ravenous that our kiss is wildly messy, with our tongues thrashing against each other violently, our teeth clashing and as I clench my legs around him I can feel him protruding against me, causing me to involuntarily grind against him. I feel every muscle deep inside me contract with rippling pleasure until finally I can't take any more.

"Stefan..." I moan against his mouth, frantically grabbing at his boxers and reaching for him, not caring that we're in the motel corridor and could be seen.

"Elena..." he responds, reaching for my pajama shorts.

I keep one hand around his neck, as the other begins to massage him and I let my head fall back as his fingers find me.

"Elena? Stefan?"

I jerk my head forward and meet Stefan's wide eyes. In an instant I've slipped from his arms and I twist around so that my back is against him, to see Caroline standing in the door of our room. Her head is turned to the side, her hand covering her eyes and she clears her throat.

"Oh my god. Sorry...um...I didn't mean to interrupt. I heard...I thought maybe you were in trouble. Sorry," she says awkwardly. "I'll just...go back to bed."

She turns and heads back in the room without saying another word and I wipe my mouth and attempt to catch my breath, but my body is still in overdrive and my legs are trembling beneath me. I turn back to Stefan, his face is flushed red, his brow glistening with sweat and his hair is unusually messy, with strands sticking up all over his head. I bite my lip and I see a small smile come across his face as he breaks out into a chuckle.

"Stefan, it's not funny," I say hitting him playfully.

"Sorry," he replies, trying to suppress the smile and failing. "So I guess Caroline knows about us."

"Us, huh?" I question, raising my eyebrows at him.

"You know what I mean," he replies.

I lean into him and run my hand up his chest, desperate to resume what Caroline interrupted, but I already know that this is just another moment that has passed us by and the flatness of Stefan's briefs is a clear indicator of that. I can already feel my body sinking with disappointment, but mostly frustration. Still caught in the final flurries of lust, I feel I'm about to burst into flames. Every time I come close to being able to satisfy my appetite for him it is ripped away and I don't know how much more my body can take. He wipes the sweat from my face with his hands, brushes my hair over my shoulder and then says, "Maybe it was a good thing Caroline interrupted us."

"Do you really mean that?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Things have been moving pretty fast with us and we agreed that until we find the cure nothing should happen. So, I dunno..."

I can see him searching my face and I meet his eyes and say, "As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right. I just...I can't help myself," I say reaching up and placing my hand on the side of his neck.

"Trust me, I know," he replies, his eyes tortured with the same hunger that is in mine.

I go on tiptoe and peck him lightly on the lips and he says, "We should try and get some rest. We've got a long day tomorrow," and I begrudgingly leave him to return to my bed alone and unsatisfied.

As I sink down into the springy mattress, Caroline turns to face me and asks, "Why didn't you tell me about Stefan?"

I can hear a hint of hurt in her voice, as though I've kept something from her and perhaps to some extent that is true, but even though Caroline is my best friend and I can tell her almost anything, my relationship with Stefan is so precious to me that the details of it are something that only he and I share. Besides, what would I have told her? I haven't known what's going on with us myself and I still don't.

"Because there was nothing to tell."

"Well, what I saw out there didn't seem like nothing," she replies wide eyed. "Are you back together?"

I shake my head and say, "I don't know what it is but...it...it just sorta happened. The day you got the map off Klaus, he took me out."

"What like on a date?"

"No, it wasn't like that. At least, I don't think it was. I just asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he picked me up and took me out in the country. We rode bikes and-"

"Bikes?"

"Yeah and then we just sat and talked for hours, it was nice. And later on we kissed and it started raining-"

"Wait, wait. You kissed in the rain? Like in The Notebook? That is so romantic!" she squeals excitedly and I can't help but roll my eyes at her, although a small smile escapes me at the same time. "And exactly what part of this doesn't sound like a date to you?" she asks.

"I dunno...I guess it was, I just didn't realise it at the time. I didn't think...after what I did I never thought he would want to see me again let alone take me out on a date. The only reason I didn't tell you is because all of it is still new. We don't know what's going to happen and we agreed that for now we need to focus on finding the cure and Jeremy and Bonnie."

"I get it, Elena, I really do, but you and Stefan are  _perfect_  for each other," she says sitting up in her bed, her enthusiasm already getting the best of her.

"See? This is why I didn't want to say anything. I know how much you want Stefan and me to be together but...but now just isn't the right time and we both know that."

"Elena, in our world, there's never a right time."

"That might be true, but it doesn't change the fact that Stefan and me agreed to take it slow."

"Yeah, that seems to be working really well for you," she replies putting her hand to her mouth in an attempt to stifle her giggle.

"Oh, shut up," I call to her playfully, throwing a cushion at her head.

She chuckles and I readjust my position in an attempt to get comfy, whilst she slides back down and pulls the sheets over her chest. It only takes a few moments of silence for thoughts of Bonnie and Jeremy to return to my consciousness and I sigh lightly, as the worry takes me back over.  _Where are they_? Part of me can't wait for tomorrow morning so I can get back out there and actively look for them, instead of sitting around here and doing nothing, but the other part is dreading it, because what if we can't find them? Caroline must sense my anxiety because she says, "I'm scared too, you know. But it's Bonnie and Jeremy, they'll be okay. Bonnie is the most bad ass witch to ever exist and if Jeremy can put me on my ass he can overcome this. And the two of them together...the world better watch out, is all I'm saying," she says with a light laugh.

I nod in concurrence, because despite the pit in my stomach and the paranoia that they might be hurt or dead, I have complete faith in Jeremy and Bonnie's strength and ability to survive. Caroline's right, they're a force to be reckoned with and more than that they're family, and if there's one thing family always manages to do, it's find their way back to one other. So it doesn't matter where they are, because we  _will_  find them, whatever it takes.

* * *

I close my eyes and remain lying in the same place on the bed for what feels like a lifetime, until I drift off into a dream fueled sleep. I'm not sure where I am, but I'm with Stefan, Damon and Caroline and we're walking and chatting. It's so familiar and ordinary that it makes it impossible to distinguish from reality, but as we continue down the road, the blue skies turn black and the road ahead disappears. I jerk my head to the side to look at Caroline, but she's gone too and so are Damon and Stefan. Suddenly a voice calls out my name and I instantly recognize it.

"Bonnie? Bonnie, where are you? Bonnie!" I call out, spinning around on the spot frantically.

The blackness that surrounds me fades away and once again I find myself standing at the roadside that the map led us to. I continue to scan around for signs of life, and then I see her standing amongst the tall grass.

"Bonnie!" I exclaim, relief taking me over. In an instant I'm in front of her, but when I try to reach out to hug her she stops me.

"There's no time, Elena. We don't have long. You need to listen to me, okay?"

"Bonnie, I don't underst-"

"You will. Come on, follow me," she says starting forward through the grass.

"Where?"

"Just come on," she says gesturing for me to follow her.

I do as she says and sprint through the grass behind her for what feels like miles, until we come to an abrupt stop at a vast lake. It's calm and still and sparkling from the bright sun that beams down on it. It looks so out of place, amongst the fields of tall grass and it extends so far into the distance that I cannot see where it ends. Aside from the surrounding green fields all that can be seen is a singular, rusty sign sticking out of the ground that reads "BWARE DEEP WAER", the missing letters having faded from red to white.

"This is where you need to go, Elena," Bonnie says gesturing out at the lake.

"What? To find you? To find the cure?"

She nods. "I'm sorry, Elena. I'm sorry for what I did, I didn't mean to. But you have to find us."

She reaches out for my hand and there's a sincerity in her eyes and warmness to her touch that makes me feel this moment feel very surreal.

"Is this...is this real?" I ask, my voice a strangled whisper.

She stares up at the sky, a panicked look on her face and then says, "I'm almost out of time. The spell won't hold for much longer."

"Oh, my god. It is. This is really happening, isn't it?"

"Yes. Please, listen to me, Elena. Go back to the road the map took you to."

I nod and listen intently, desperate to etch every word she says onto my brain.

"Go through the fields straight ahead. Follow the white sticks in the ground and they'll lead you to the lake, cross it and you'll reach a small island. When you get there you...Oh, no."

"Bonnie, what?" I ask frantically, seeing the worry on her face.

"The spell's ending," she says.

I see her starting to fade from my vision and I cling to her arm tightly as I say, "No, no. It can't be. No!"

"The cure is underground in some caves. You'll find us, Elena, I know you will. I'm sorr-"

Poof! Just like that she's gone without a trace. I shake my head violently and call out for her, despite knowing it won't make a difference. My breathing is frantic and I look up to the sky and scream "Wake up!" determined to bring myself back to consciousness before I forget Bonnie's words. "Wake up! Wake up! Goddammit! WAKE UP!"

I spasm in the bed as I come to with a loud gasp and Caroline wakes up immediately, a concerned look on her face as she asks. "Elena, what? What is it? Are you okay?"

I shake my head for a moment, still disorientated and then simply say, "B-Bonnie. I know where she is."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With some magical assistance from Bonnie, Elena, Stefan, Caroline and Damon continue to search for her, Jeremy and the cure. Everything is at stake and nobody is safe.

** ELENA **

By the time it reaches 8am, the four of us have our bags packed and are driving back to the road where the map led us to, despite Damon's skepticism and insistence that my dream was merely my unconscious desire to find Bonnie and Jeremy and that we're wasting our time or that it's a trap. I fight him on it with everything I have, because I know with absolute certainty that Bonnie was  _real_ and Stefan and Caroline support me, when they see how determined I am. I struggled to accept or understand Bonnie and Jeremy's betrayal and the dream confirms what I already knew; Bonnie and Jeremy didn't  _want_  to do it, they were forced by Shane and the dream was Bonnie's attempt to guide us to her the only way she knew how. Whilst Damon might think I'm crazy and my logic ill-advised, I refuse to ignore it because I have complete faith in Bonnie and know that she would never do anything to hurt us. Her apology, the sincerity in her eyes and the urgency with which she spoke is enough to tell me that her only intention is to help us to find her.

We arrive at the roadside in less than 15 minutes and before the car has even come to a halt I throw myself out and sprint for the long grass that Bonnie led me through in the dream.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!" Stefan calls, dashing in front of me and blocking my path.

"It's this way. This is the way Bonnie led me in the dream. She said to follow the white sticks. Look! There!" I say pointing to the white stick that's stuck in the mud. "I told you I wasn't making it up," I add, looking behind me to Damon who stares down at the stick with wide eyes.

"So what exactly did Bonnie say?" Stefan asks.

I groan. "I've already been through this. She said to follow the white sticks through the fields and it leads to a big lake. We need to cross the lake and I dunno...the spell ended then. But she said that when we get to the other side of the lake that the cure is in some caves. That must be where she is, too. Come on, we can't waste anymore time," I say frantically.

I see Stefan exchange a look of uncertainty with Caroline and I irritably ask, "What? What's the matter?"

"Look, Elena, we believe you about the dream, we do..."

"But?"

"But we need some sort of plan here. We can't just go charging in without knowing what we're getting into. And as much as I hate to admit it, what if Damon's right? What if this is a trap?"

I shake my head. "She wouldn't do that. Caroline?" I say, turning my head to her in seeking of her support.

She sighs heavily, shifts on her feet and I can see that she agrees with Stefan.

"No," I say shaking my head in disbelief. "Caroline, this is Bonnie, she's our best friend. She wouldn't lead us into a trap."

"No, she wouldn't, but Shane has already somehow convinced her to knock us out, tie us to chairs and take everything we had about the cure. What's to say he isn't the one behind this too? It just...it all seems a little too easy."

"No, I know this isn't him. It's her, it's Bonnie. I know it!" I exclaim exasperated. "And even if you don't trust her, trust me. Please. I know what I'm doing."

I meet Caroline's eyes and she parts her lips, then nods. I look to Stefan and Damon and they exchange a look, then Stefan asks, "Okay, which way?"

I let out a huge sigh of relief and smile of gratitude, then point and speed off through the grass, the three of them following closely behind. The vast amounts of blood we gorged on this morning were wise and mean the four of us are at our strongest and fastest. We zoom through the grass like bullets flying through the air and I see a blur of white every few seconds that ensures we're still on the right track. I'm not sure how long we run for, but eventually the grass begins to thin out until we come to a clearing and the sight of the lake greets us. I come to an abrupt halt and feel Caroline slam into the back of me, closely followed by Stefan and Damon.

"Whoa," Damon says upon seeing the lake. "I didn't expect that."

The lake looks just as it did in the dream; a dark, rich shade of blue, with reflective white diamonds on the surface from the rays of the morning sun.

"So, anyone got a boat handy?" Damon asks.

I roll my eyes at him and reply, "We don't need a boat, Damon. We're vampires. We'll swim."

"What?" Caroline exclaims.

"We don't know how far we'll have to swim and we'll need our energy when we get to Shane," Stefan says.

"Then it's a good job I packed these," I say, grabbing the backpack from my shoulders and pulling out four blood bags. "You said we needed a plan. Well this is the plan; we keep our strength up with blood, we stick together and we fight  _together_."

The three of them stare at me in awe, clearly surprised at the strength that has replaced the placidity I've displayed the last couple of days. But this was all I needed; to be reminded of what I'm fighting for. Initially the belief that Jeremy and Bonnie had betrayed me hurt so much that all I could do was drown in it, but now I know they're alive, that they're close and more importantly that they're still on our side. Love may be my greatest weakness, but it is also my greatest strength and today it is the source for my courage and bravery. Being a vampire only amplifies that by taking that inner strength and combining it with sheer physical prowess.

"What about the cure?" Damon asks. "Bonnie did say it was there, didn't she?"

I nod. "Yeah, she did, but that's not our priority," I say my eyes falling on Stefan. "Saving Bonnie and Jeremy and stopping Shane is what we're here to do. If we find the cure and have the chance to get it, we will, but we're not risking their lives or ours to bring it back."

Damon turns his head to look at Stefan and I add firmly, "I mean it, Damon. We all make a promise here and now to protect each other over everything else."

Caroline instantly nods and says, "I promise", but Stefan and Damon do so more reluctantly.

"Well?" I prompt.

"We promise," Stefan says, his voice quiet.

I nod, shrug off my coat and then proceed to dive into the lake without another word. The water is bitterly cold, but also refreshing and moments later a wave of water crashes over me from the splashes of Damon, Stefan and Caroline. I proceed to dip just below the surface of the water and being a vampire my body instantly adapts to the environment. I have no need for air, my legs kick with considerable vigor and speed, my arms swish and efficiently propel me forward, until I'm gliding smoothly as though I'm one with the water. I keep my mind focused and channel everything I have into the singular burning desire to bring Jeremy and Bonnie home safely, and the image of their faces energizes me and drives me forward so quickly that I'm feet ahead of the others.

* * *

** STEFAN **

Elena takes off way ahead, but no matter how much I try I can't seem to catch up to her. Despite having already ran miles, I'm still at full strength and navigate through the lake with ease. Living on animal blood for so many years, I often forgot how powerful human blood was and that is the appeal of it, why it is my weakness. Being a vampire means naturally craving power and human blood is the catalyst for that. Though the times I have been on human blood are the ones where I've committed the most unforgivable and horrific acts, there is no denying that it is also when I was at my strongest. The only reason that the blood has such devastating consequences for me is because I let the sheer euphoria of being so physically ample and superior cloud my judgement and detract from my morality, but Elena doesn't. When she first turned I feared that she would face the same struggle I did with blood, but she has proved me wrong and as always surpassed my expectations in every single way. Now that she has adjusted, I can see how capable she is and that she has adapted to being a vampire better than she realises. The blood doesn't impair her mentally or emotionally the way it does with me, it makes her invincible and for the first time I actually believe that she doesn't need me to protect her. Of course, the instinct to protect her still exists within me and it always will, but over these passing days I find my confidence in her growing. She's not the fragile young girl she was when I first met her, she's grown into a fiercely capable and dynamic woman and is the most resilient person I have ever had the privilege to know. No matter what hardships she faces she somehow finds a way to survive, to keep hold of her humanity and compassion, which is something I have failed to do more times than I can count. She's not perfect, but the thing that separates her from most people is that she always strives to be the best she can. When she makes a mistake she admits it, then she fights to make amends and to ensure she doesn't repeat that mistake, and I admire her for that, because I often lack the strength to do the same and instead wallow in guilt and pity.

Suddenly Caroline hits me in the arm, interrupting my thoughts and I lift my head to the surface to see, Elena, Damon and Caroline looking ahead at land, about 20 feet away.

"Oh my god. That's it. That must be the island," Caroline states.

Elena smiles triumphantly and then yells, "Come on!"

The four of us take off hastily and it's only a minute before we're pulling ourselves out of the water and onto dry soil. We all lie back on the ground, relieved chuckles escaping us and when we get to our feet we're faced with an open area of soil and woodland beyond it. Elena reaches into her bag and tosses us all a blood bag each and although I don't feel hungry in the slightest, I proceed to drink it. We all shake ourselves down and Elena and Caroline twist their hair to get the excess water out of it, but despite our best efforts to get dry, we remain drenched.

"So where do we go now?" Damon asks.

We all scan our heads around and strain our ears for any signs of life, but all that can be heard are the scurrying of wildlife and chirping of birds.

"I don't hear anything. What if we're too late? What if they've already been and gone?" Caroline says, unusually pessimistic.

Elena shakes her head. "No, it's been less than 6 hours since I had that dream and Bonnie said they were here. They'll still be here, they've got to be. Let's split up and find them."

"Split up? Are you sure that's a good idea?" Damon says, reluctant to separate from any of them.

"We have to, we'll cover more ground that way."

"What happened to sticking together?" Damon asks his eyebrows raised.

"This island can't be that big. If anything happens we'll call out and we'll be able to get to each other fast enough."

"You sure about that?" Damon says.

"No, Elena's right," I say in her defense. "If we don't split up, it'll just take longer."

"If you say so," Damon replies holding his hands up.

"Right, so me and Caroline will go this way and you go that way," Elena states.

"Be careful," I say, my eyes locked on Elena. I hate the thought of being apart from her at a time like this, but know it's necessary.

"I will. You too," she replies quietly.

I want to kiss her, but know that it would be inappropriate with Damon and Caroline's eyes on us, even if they're both aware of what is going on between us. So instead I reluctantly walk away and head for the west of the woodland as Elena instructed. As we take off I can't help but twist my head back around to steal one last glance at her and when I do, her eyes are already on me, anxiety and uncertainty reflected in them.

"Stef, come on. Let's go," Damon says before sprinting off through the woods.

* * *

** DAMON **

The two of us traipse through the trees, our heads swiveling about our shoulders and our ears pricked, in constant vigilance. The trees here are taller than at home and the canopy blocks out most of the sunlight, making the already cool morning even colder. The gentle breeze hits the dampness of my clothes and causes me to shiver. Stefan marches ahead, fierce determination on his face and I jog forward to keep in pace with him.

"So...what Elena said about the cure, are you really going to listen to her?" I ask.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means after everything we went through to get here and find the cure, you can't seriously be considering leaving here without it."

"Yeah, I can, if it's what Elena wants," he responds snappily.

"Oh, Stefan. You're always so concerned about doing what Elena wants, but did you ever consider that what she wants isn't always what's best? That sometimes she needs us to make the right decisions for her?"

He scoffs lightly and scratches his head and I ask, "What?"

"And you wonder why she doesn't want to be with you."

His words instantly strike me where it hurts and my temper flares up as I step in front of him, blocking his path.

"What the hell does that mean?" I ask, getting up in his face and glaring at him.

"It means that Elena's her own person, with her own mind. Maybe you should start treating her that way."

"Oh and I suppose I should take advice from you, should I? You're so concerned with letting her make her own choices, but what good is that if all it's gonna do is get her killed? Huh, Stefan? Answer me that."

"I'll always protect her, Damon, but there's a difference between protecting someone and dictating everything they do. You assume responsibility for Elena and you make choices for her without even considering what she'd want. The night we killed Kol you sent her away, stopped her from helping her own brother."

"Yeah, to keep her alive, Stefan," I shout. "That right there is the difference between us, isn't it? As long as Elena is with me, I'll always keep her alive."

"But when are you going to see that that isn't enough? There's more to life than just being alive, Damon, we should know that better than anyone. I'm 164 years old but I've barely lived at all. Life means nothing if you don't have choices to make. Elena didn't get a choice in being the doppelganger or being a vampire, but there are still things that she  _can_  decide and I will do everything in my power to make sure she gets to do that. And if she wants us to abandon the cure to save the people she loves, that's exactly what I'll do."

By the time he's finished speaking he's panting, his intense eyes fierce and locked on mine. I stare at him, at a complete loss for words. Part of me knows he's right and that is also the part that is proud and inspired by the sheer wisdom he displays, but I can't seem to bring myself to agree with him. Perhaps it's because stubbornness is a genetic Salvatore trait or maybe it's simply because to agree with him would mean going against everything I fundamentally believe; when you love someone you do  _whatever it takes_ to keep them safe, to keep them alive _._ If I chose to devote myself to finding the cure and the cost was Jeremy or Bonnie's life, Elena would be destroyed, but she would be  _alive_  and she would be  _human,_ and with time she would learn to live with the pain of losing them, just like she always does and the world would continue to be a brighter place for having her in it.

"Well, you do that, brother," I say, turning my back to him and plodding along through the woods.

I hear him groan from behind me and know that he won't fight me on it any further, because he knows me well enough to know that I won't change my mind. If I'm faced with the opportunity to take the cure today, I will take it, because Elena is the most important person in the world to me and as much as she might pretend otherwise, she wants the cure more than anything and I want to be the one to give it to her, to give her back her life.

"We need to talk about what we're going to do about Shane when we find him," Stefan says.

"No, we don't. We kill him. Simple," I state.

"Did you forget that he's still linked to Elena?"

I groan and reply, "Well, we'll find another witch that can unlink them and then we'll kill him."

He shakes his head. "Only the witch that cast the spell can reverse it."

"Well, what good is Bonnie if she can't reverse a simple linking spell? I thought she was supposed to be this all-powerful Bennett witch."

Stefan shrugs and says, "If we can't kill him, we'll just have to take him back with us and keep him locked up until we find a way."

"So what? He goes back to being our prisoner?"

"Yep, except this time we'll be smart about it and won't even give him the chance to plot against us a second time."

"I'd still feel better if I knew he was dead."

"Me too, but we don't have much of a choice."

"You know, I hate to say it, but I think this is a complete waste of time. We've been walking for half an hour and haven't seen or heard anything. We don't have a clue how big the island is, it could take weeks for us to cover it all," I say, agitated.

"Can you just stop?" Stefan snipes. "Let's just...not talk. Okay?"

I scoff and reply, "Charming," to which he shushes me.

We continue to weave in and out of the trees and shrubbery, in silence and I feel my patience wearing thin. All I've done since the second we left Mystic Falls is go along with everyone else's plans and ideas, and it doesn't sit comfortably with me. I naturally assume leadership in these situations, and honestly I'm the only person I deem capable of having logical ideas and being able to execute them in an effective way. Stefan comes to a halt and then turns to ask, "Which way do you think we should go now?"

"I thought we weren't talking," I reply snidely.

He raises his eyebrows at me and I turn and point backwards stating "We should go back that way. We're wasting our time and we should've never split up. Even if that dream was real, they're gonna be long gone by now. We might as well just head back to Mystic Falls, that's where they'll be."

"If they were in Mystic Falls why did Bonnie cast that spell? Face it, Damon, everything that Elena has told us so far about the dream has panned out. We keep going," he says bossily, before swinging around and stomping forward.

"I thought you'd jump at the chance to get back to Elena."

He speeds back towards me and comes to an abrupt stop in front of me. He's so close that his nose is practically touching mine and he keeps his eyes locked on mine as he challenges me with, "Look, is there some sort of problem here? Because if there is, just say it. Don't let me stop you."

I straighten my back and square my shoulders, then take a step back from him and say, "You really need to learn to relax, brother," with a light chuckle.

"I thought we agreed that this was going to stop. A truce," he says, his voice deep and serious, his brow furrowed.

"Oh right, a truce," I reply, putting my finger to my lips. "So, is that why you didn't tell me about Elena?"

The frown instantly falls from his face and his eyes widen slightly.

"She told you."

"Yeah, she told me," I answer, my voice cold and firm.

I didn't realise until this moment how much unresolved anger I still held towards Stefan about Elena. All day I've felt irritable and impatient, and now I realise that it's because of my conversation with Elena last night. The pain of hearing about her reconciliation with Stefan temporarily overshadowed the resentment I felt towards Stefan, but now it's bubbling to the surface. Logically I know he has done nothing wrong, he hasn't betrayed me or stabbed me in the back, but in this instance logic doesn't come into the equation. All I know is I'm hurt, I'm irritable and I'm angry and I'm going to damn well show it.

He stands still on the spot, his eyes on the ground and I fold my arms and prompt him with, "So?"

He lifts his head and sighs then meets my eyes and asks, "What do you want me to say, Damon?" with a casual shrug of his shoulders. "I love her. I've always loved her and she loves me."

"That's it?"

He shrugs again and I ask, "So just like that you forgive her? You forget about everything that's happened with me and her and go back like nothing's changed?"

"I dunno, maybe."

"Maybe?" I question. "And what happens the next time she gets bored of you and decides she wants me?"

"That won't happen," he states, the tone of his voice instantly changing.

"And how do you know?"

"I just do."

"Why? Because you trust her?" I ask mockingly.

"Yes, because I trust her. Look, you're mad at me, whatever, I get it. So just hit me now and get it over with. We don't have time for this, Damon."

He steps towards me, stands tall, then closes his eyes and inhales, as though bracing himself for the impact of my fist and I chuckle lightly.

"What fun would it be to hit you if you know it's coming?"

He opens his eyes and sighs lightly, then says, "I meant what I said before. I'm tired of fighting, Damon. What's happened with me and Elena was-"

"Let me guess, it was her choice?" I interject, with a roll of my eyes.

"It was both of our choice," he corrects. "Just like it was both of our choice to wait until after this is all over before anything more happens with us. You know me, Damon, you always knew that if she ever changed her mind and wanted to be with me again, that I'd go back to her in a heartbeat. Just like we both know that if you were the one she wanted to be with, you wouldn't turn her down either. Not for me, not for anyone."

For once I can't argue with him, because everything he's saying is true. My brother loves Elena just as much as I do, and that's how he knows that if the situation were reversed there would be nothing in the universe that could stop me from being with her, and it's also why somewhere deep, deep inside there is a part of me that is happy for him, because I understand how much it means to have Elena love you, how utterly fulfilling and life altering it is. Of all the people in the world, Stefan deserves that and even if I can't be with her, he can. Although he is the worst person I could fathom her with because he is my own brother, there is no denying that he is also the best. As much as I hate it, I think I've always understood his and Elena's love, because they're the same; pure and good and  _decent_. They are everything I'm not, and that's why there are times when I resent Stefan so strongly; because he is the man I wish I was, but can never be - he is the man worthy of Elena's love.

Silence has extended between us for countless minutes and when I look up at him, his eyes are fixed on me, full of anticipation. His words have somehow erased every ounce of

"You're right," I reply, my voice quiet and hoarse.

He blinks rapidly as though in a daze, unable to believe that I would actually admit he was right.

"Believe me when I say, I  _want_  to hate you for this whole thing with Elena, but..." I exhale and scratch my head, "...it's not your fault. And if anything  _you_  should hate  _me_."

He smiles and says, "I already told you, I could never hate you, even if you are managing to keep up your end of the bargain about giving me a lifetime of misery."

I bow my head and chuckle lightly and hear a breathy laugh escape him too.

"Now that we've got that over with, let's keep looking. I can't stand another second of this mushy crap."

He shakes his head, but I see an amused grin on his face and we start walking again, this time side by side, our footsteps perfectly in sync. As we progress on the trees start to thin out and I notice a large outline of rocky cliffs. I turn to Stefan, whose eyes are wide with anticipation and we take off speedily and come to a halt at a wide opening amongst the cliffs, with a dark passageway at its center.

"These must be the caves Bonnie was talking about," Stefan says.

I feel my heart start racing.  _This is it_. This is everything we've been working towards, if Bonnie's right the cure is almost within our grasp.

"Remind me to apologise to Elena for not believing her when we see her," I say.

* * *

** ELENA **

I peer over at Caroline, her eyes flitting about her head, her spine straight, body tense, just like mine. Neither one of us have spoken a word since we left Stefan and Damon and instead keep constant vigilance, listening for the tiniest murmur on the wind or the sight of anything other than trees, pushes, rocks or wildlife. I don't know how far we've come, but I worry that if something were to happen now it would take too long for us to reach Stefan and Damon or them us. I hear the snap of a twig and jerk my head to the left, to see a squirrel scurry off and disappear up a tree and sigh lightly and smile to myself. Suddenly feel Caroline's hand grip my arm tightly and I turn to face her and urgently ask, "Caroline? What? What is it?"

"Look," she says pointing ahead through the trees.

I see the vague shape of some sort of building and I ask, "What do you think it is?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. But it's the first thing we've come across."

"We should look inside," I say stepping forward.

"Hold on," she replies grabbing my arm. "I thought Bonnie said we'd find her in some caves?"

I nod. "Yeah, she did. But that doesn't mean we can't check it out. Maybe they used it for shelter or something, they could still be there."

"And if they are, we need to get Stefan and Damon."

"Not yet. Let's check it out first," I reply, encouraging her to follow me forward.

She sighs heavily and shakes her head in disapproval, but walks with me, close enough that I can feel her arm brushing against mine. I can hear the pounding of my heart in my ears as we reluctantly plod forward and I can see that the building is an abandoned cabin, with boarded up windows and a door with cracked green paint that has almost completely peeled off. Our footsteps grow lighter and I already know that someone is inside, from the faint sounds of breathing that come from inside. We creep to the door, then I exchange a nervous glance at Caroline and proceed to turn the knob. When we burst through, we're greeted by a dark, dingy and dusty room, with a large wooden table, toppled over chairs and litter scattered about, but as I continue to scan the room I notice a lump just behind the table. I dash over and my heart sinks in my chest as I drop to my knees.

"Jeremy," I say, my voice dripping with relief and panic. I feel Caroline whoosh behind me and she peers over my shoulder.

"Oh, my god. Is he okay?"

Although he's covered with a blanket, his skin is icy to the touch and roll him from his side onto his back. There are no visible injuries and I proceed to shake him in an attempt to rouse him. "Jeremy? Jer? Jer, it's me. It's Elena. Please, wake up. Caroline, pass me that water." I say gesturing at the bottle that conveniently sits on the table.

I unscrew the lid and put it to his lips, and after a few moments he comes to, coughing on the water that I've forced down his throat. He thrashes about in my arms in a confused daze and I cling to him tightly.

"Jer. Jer, it's okay. It's okay, I'm here. It's Elena," I say softly in an attempt to comfort him. I kiss his head and thank the lord that he's okay.

"Elena..." he chokes out. "Caroline."

Caroline stoops down on her knees. "Yeah, it's us. We're here. Are you okay?"

He nods and then sits up straight. "How-how did you find us?"

He has his questions, but so do we and there are so many bumbling around in my head that I don't know which to ask first, so instead I answer his question with, "Bonnie. She cast a spell. She was in my dream and told me how to find you."

"A dream?" he questions.

"I know, impressive even for her, huh? Where is she?" I ask.

"She's with Shane."

"Come on, let's get you up," I say taking one of his arms and lifting him up from the hard wooden floor and leading him over to a chair.

"I'm fine, really," he insists.

I roll my eyes at his complete inability to ever let anyone take care of him.

"Is it just you two?" he asks.

"No...I...oh, god. Stefan and Damon," I say, the realistation that they're still out there hitting me.

"I'll go shout them" Caroline replies, before disappearing outside in a flash.

I pull up a seat and sit opposite to Jeremy, so close that our knees are touching. I lean forward and ask, "What the hell happened, Jer?"

He shakes his head and replies, "We should wait for the others."

I nod and once again have to wait for answers, regardless of how much it pains me to do so, then ask with concern, "You are okay, aren't you?"

"I'm fine, Elena," he reitrates with a firm nod.

"Oh, Jer, I was so worried about you. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere," he replies and I pull him into an embrace, holding the back of his head firmly against my shoulder.

It's only minutes before Caroline reappears with Stefan and Damon in tow and I see both their eyes widen with surprise at seeing Jeremy.

"Jeremy," Stefan says, the same relief in his voice that was in mine.

"Good to see you alive and well, Little Gilbert," Damon says with a smile.

"Wish I could say the same thing," Jeremy replies and I can't help but crack a smile.

The three of them walk over to us and I feel Stefan squeeze my shoulder lightly, letting me know that he is glad to be re-united with me and then Damon asks Jeremy, "So...? What happened? Where's Bonnie?"

I'm just as impatient as him, but the difference is I can hide it a lot better. The second the question has left Damon's lips, Jeremy bows his head, sighs deeply and rubs his thighs with his hands uncomfortably, then looks back up at our faces.

"I-I don't know. Shane left and took her with him," he stammers, hanging his head.

"Left to go where? And why did he take her but leave you?" Caroline asks.

"He went to search the island some more, to find Silas and he took Bonnie because she's the one he needs to do the resurrection spell. He doesn't need me anymore. I'm just a pawn. Something he can use to force Bonnie to be compliant."

"Why did you do it, Jer?" I ask, my voice soft. "Why did you vervain us and take off like that?"

"It's Shane."

"We kinda figured that much out for ourselves," Damon replies sarcastically.

"He...he did some weird mind manipulation thing on me and Bonnie."

"What?" Caroline and I exclaim in unison.

"I don't know exactly when or how. I dunno...I don't understand any of it fully, but ever since the lake house it's like...like this urge. I can't explain, but when he tells me to do something, even if I really, really don't wanna do it, I just... _have_  to."

"Sounds like compulsion," Stefan says.

"But it's not," Damon replies firmly.

"He's been using me and Bonnie for weeks. We've been reporting to him about everything that's been going on with Klaus and the map."

"If you and Bonnie have been his personal slaves for weeks, why didn't he ask you to let him go?" Damon asks.

"Because he wanted to stay exactly where he was. He didn't want you to know what he was up to and being a prisoner was the perfect cover. Who would've suspected him?"

"Well, we certainly didn't," Stefan says under his breath.

"He wanted to wait until we'd killed Kol and had the map, and once we'd got it...that's when he told us to-"

"To screw us over," Damon interjects.

Jeremy hangs his head shamefully and says quietly, "I'm sorry."

I reach out for his hands immediately and say, "Jer, you have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault, Shane used you."

"Elena's right," Stefan says stepping forward. "We should've kept a closer eye on him and seen what he was up to. We all have some part to play in this."

I nod in agreement and then add, "But it doesn't matter now, because we're here and we're going to find Bonnie and we'll find a way to stop Shane."

He meets my eyes and for the first time in so long he looks his age. He looks afraid and vulnerable and all I want to do is take him into my arms and shelter him from any harm forever.

"So how do we find Bonnie?" Caroline asks.

"They were headed for some caves," Jeremy says. "Apparently that's where Silas and the cure will be, but I don't know where they are. I mean, we could look-"

"We do," Stefan states.

Jeremy, Caroline and I all turn our heads towards Stefan and Damon, puzzled looks on our faces as we wait for them to explain.

"When we were out looking, we found the caves."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Caroline asks.

"Because we didn't have chance," Damon answers with a glare.

"They're about a quarter of a kilometer west from here," Stefan explains.

"Well then...let's go get Bonnie," I say determinedly, getting up from my seat.

I meet each of their eyes in turn and see eager desperation in Caroline, burning conviction in Jeremy, durable confidence in Damon and unfathomable willingness in Stefan, and despite the seriousness of the situation I feel my heart warm and my mouth turn up into a smile, as I burst with gratitude and pride. We are united in facing our foes and that comforts me enough that any fear completely melts away, because as long as I have the people I love by my side I am truly invincible.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day that Elena, Stefan and Damon have been waiting for finally arrives and the cure is theirs. But is the price they will pay worth it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More twists and turns in this suspenseful chapter ending with a major character death.

** ELENA **

Damon and Stefan lead us back through the woods and after a lot of bickering between them about which way to go, we find ourselves standing outside the caves, all of us panting and with glistening sweat on our heads. I whip out more blood bags and throw them to the others, but Stefan shakes his head.

"Stefan, we need to keep our strength up," I say.

He shakes his head again. "I've already had too much. I need to keep a clear head."

Damon frowns disapprovingly and as much as I would love to press him on it, I understand his reasons for not wanting to. Although he is so much better at controlling his blood lust and is more able to handle having human blood, there's always an element of risk involved when he feeds on it and particularly in large quantities. After finishing my blood bag I take a few steps inside the cave, but it's so dark I can't see how deep it goes.

"Anyone have a flash light?" Damon asks from over my shoulder. "Elena, do you happen to have one in that little backpack of yours?", he teases.

"No, I don't," I reply irritably. "We'll just have to cope without", I add, turning to Jeremy. He tilts his head to the side and when he realises what I'm about to say he puts his hands up in the air and protests, "No, no, no. I'm not doing it. No way. I won't stand by and do nothing"

"Jer, you don't have a choice. Just look at it," I gesture at the gloomy cave. "It's pitch black, you won't see a thing in there."

"This is Bonnie. I'm coming," he states firmly, a stern look on his face.

"Do as your sister tells you," Damon scalds. "If you come with us, you'll just be a liability."

"What are you even doing here anyway? You don't care about Bonnie," Jeremy snaps.

Damon turns his body towards Jeremy, his jaw clenched and I step up to Jeremy and reach for his arm, so as to avoid the conflict that threatens to unfold.

"Jeremy, trust me," I say softly. "Someone needs to wait out here anyway in case Shane and Bonnie are in there and they manage to get past us somehow. We don't know how many caves there is, they could come from a different direction and if they do, we need to make sure that someone is here to stop them."

"But if I'm such a liability how would I be able to stop them on my own?" he snipes, looking over my shoulder at Damon.

"Caroline will wait with you. Won't you, princess?" Damon asks, nudging Caroline in the arm.

She scowls at him, crosses her arms in a strop and I turn to her and say, "Caroline, please."

She sighs and replies with, "Fine. I'll stay with Jeremy."

"Keep your ears and eyes peeled," Stefan says.

I go to Jeremy and give him a light hug, but his body remains rigid under mine, his glare never leaving Damon's face and then the three of us disappear into the darkness of the caves without another word. It takes only moments before my eyes adjust and I'm surprised at how easily I seem able to navigate through the caves. I turn back and see the daylight fade away, along with Jeremy and Caroline's faces, and the moment they're out of sight the fear strikes me like a fork of lightning, rendering me breathless. I feel a hand reach for mine and squeeze me tightly, and Stefan's voice tickles my ear as he whispers, "It's gonna be okay."

The cave continues straight and feels never ending. The opening begins to narrow and we thin out, walking in single file. I feel claustrophobic and despite the fact that technically I have no need for air, I suddenly feel as though I'm suffocating, but I attempt to hide it from Damon and Stefan so as not to worry them or reveal the severity of panic that is growing with each second. Only minutes ago I was feeling empowered and confident, but now...all I feel is terror. My heartbeat is pounding so hard against my chest that I can't hear anything else and no matter how hard I strain my ears to hear for the sounds of Bonnie or Shane, all I hear is it growing louder and louder in my ears until it's deafening.

Damon is in the lead and I get so close to him that I continuously trip up the back of his feet, pulling his shoes from his feet as I do. He groans with frustration, but no matter how many times it happens, I keep doing it, so as to be sure he's still there. I can feel Stefan doing the same with me, as though his body is glued to mine and I wonder how afraid Bonnie must've been to be dragged through these damp and dreary caves, without even the comfort of someone familiar.

Damon's steps grow quicker and I ask what's wrong, but he doesn't respond, so Stefan and I pick up the pace to keep up with him and we emerge into an opening, with three caves leading in different directions.

Damon scoffs and says, "Huh, what are the chances of that?", and I feel my already accelerated heartbeat pick up even more.

"I guess we have to split up," Stefan states.

I swing round to face him in horror, but in this dim lightning I can only see the vague outline of his features and the whiteness of his eyes. I quickly turn away from him, shameful of the fear that I feel that he and Damon don't seem to share. I want to still be that strong, courageous leader I was earlier today, but it's as though I've forgotten how.

"If you find Shane  _do not_ kill him, no matter how hard he pushes. Remember, the plan is to bring him back with us and keep him locked up until we find a way to break this hold he has on Bonnie and she can unlink him from Elena."

Damon nods and then immediately starts marching for one of the caves, his determination clearly drowning out any sense of anxiety he may feel and I feel my breathing quickening as his dark shadow grows further away.

"Damon!" I yell after him.

"Yep?" he calls.

"If anything happens, yell out for us." I wish there was more I could say to keep him safe, but in this instance it's all I can offer and that's what terrifies me. It was one thing to split up in pairs today in the woods, but this is entirely different. These caves could be endless and if something goes wrong, if one of us runs into trouble, who is to say we will be able to even find our way back to each other in this obscure maze?

"Will do," Damon replies, to which Stefan calls out, "Be careful."

Once he is gone Stefan steps towards me and reaches out for my hand. "Hey," he starts, his voice soft. "I can go with you."

So much for hiding my anxiety from him. When it comes to Stefan I may as well be made of glass, because I am completely transparent to him.

"No," I state my voice thick and coarse. "We have a better chance of finding them if we split up."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I answer in a shaky voice.

His hand goes up to my face, rests on my cheek for a few moments and I close my eyes, my entire body screaming at me not to separate from him. He brushes his lips against mine, but it's too brief, too fleeting and I pull him back in and kiss him again more firmly.

"If you need me, you call out," he tells me firmly.

I nod and feel him move away from me slowly, then I watch him disappear into the darkness just like Damon, and for the briefest moment I doubt that I will ever see him again. I feel my body jerk forward and I want to yell his name to make him come back, but I stumble a few steps backwards and slap myself in the head.

"Come on, Elena. Come on," I whisper to myself. "Pull yourself together. Pull yourself together. Everything's gonna be fine."

I take more jagged and panicked breaths, then brush myself down forcing myself to get back to the place I was earlier. I think of the people I love who are always the source of my strength, and although the fear remains, it slowly fades and then shifts, manifesting itself as a tight ball in my chest, allowing me enough reprieve that I'm able to continue ahead down the third and final passageway, despite every instinct and nerve in my body telling me to sprint in the opposite direction. I say Bonnie's name over and over in my head, as a reminder of how terror stricken she must be and how it doesn't even begin to compare to how I feel, and I feel foolish and inadequate for being so afraid when I'm not the one that is suffering. She's the one that has been manipulated, forced to betray her friends and used as though she is a mere tool. The thought of it causes red hot lava to brew within me and helps to further keep the fear at bay. Of all the people in the world, Bonnie does not deserve this, but just like me she is resigned to being used as an object, simply because of what she is. Katherine managed to escape the same fate of the doppelganger that I was resigned to by turning herself into a vampire, but Bonnie doesn't get a choice. Being a witch is in her blood, it's who she is right at her very center and only adds to her beauty, but I wish more than anything that she wasn't one if only to protect her from the constant exploitation and abuse she faces.

My mind is so preoccupied with thoughts of Bonnie that I fail to notice that my heart rate has regulated and my breathing returned to normal. Now I'm able to hear my surroundings and I focus on listening for the sounds of life. I can hear a heartbeat and footsteps, and based on the rhythm, pace and heaviness of the steps, I recognise them as being Stefan's. I can also vaguely hear a set of more aggressive, quickened footsteps that are just about in my range, that I know are Damon's. I feel my heart sink slightly with relief at knowing they're still okay and wonder why I'm so afraid for their safety. Of the many, many,  _many,_ dangers we've faced, this is nothing. Shane is a pesky human, what could he possibly do against Stefan or Damon? Or me even? So then, why can't I shake this bad feeling that is deep inside me? Why am I so overwhelmed with the urge to scamper back to Damon and Stefan, grab them and leave this place, when my best friend's life could potentially be on the line?  _Why_?

* * *

**STEFAN**   


Without Elena and Damon walking ahead of me, my pace is hastier and my eagerness to find Bonnie and Shane grows, pushing out any other thoughts. There's no guarantee that they are here, but I have a gut feeling that they are. We've already been in these caves for at least half an hour with no end in sight, and my guess is that if Bonnie and Shane arrived here last night to find the cure, they're either a) still searching for the cure or b) trying to find their way back out. Either way, they have to still be here. Unfortunately, the chances of us just stumbling upon them is slim and in this instance, our amplified hearing is our greatest asset. I consistently project my senses, concentrating hard so as to reach the very edge of my radar. Even from such a distance I'm still able to hear Damon and Elena, so if Bonnie and Shane come into range at any point, I will know.

I creep on, my footsteps getting lighter as my senses grow even more acute and then I hear it. Shane's voice. He sounds irritable, his voice a low and gruffy growl. I begin to run through the narrow tunnel, towards the voice and it begins to curve until I emerge into a wider opening. I consider calling out for Damon and Elena, but realise that it would give me away, so proceed to tiptoe reluctantly, Shane's voice growing louder and louder in my ears. As I round another corner, I come into a more expansive space, with a high ceiling, light streaming down from a small crack. My eyes fall on a large stone tomb sat at the very far wall that causes my breath catch in my throat and my senses to grow dull. I idly stand by, momentarily paralysed and before I'm able to take another step Shane's voice once again floods my ears and he appears from an opening to my left. The moment he sees me he stops dead in his tracks, his eyes wide and his mouth parted slightly in surprise and it's only moments before he too notices the tomb. I see his body twitch, but he remains fixated on the spot.

"Stefan." He says my name with so much loathing and dread, that it sends shivers down my spine. I've faced greater foes than him, but for some reason seeing him strikes terror in my heart and I swallow the lump in my throat before I address him with a simple, "Shane." My voice is thick and heavy with uncertainty, instantly betraying me and revealing the fear that I would rather conceal from him.

He treads carefully forward then clears his throat and says, "I would say I'm surprised to see you, but I'm not."

"Likewise," I reply.

Bonnie appears from behind him then, and her sallow eyes grow round with the relief, terror and surprise at seeing me. I'm overwhelmed with the urge to grab her from Shane's grip, but know that the fragility of this situation makes that impossible. I have to play it safe. Bonnie's always been petite, but she's so fragile that I could swear she's shrunk by a few inches and even from 8 feet away I can see her body trembling uncontrollably beneath her. She keeps her eyes fixed on mine and I can see the apology in them, which makes my stomach sink.

"I have to say that fate is a cruel bitch," Shane remarks with a light laugh.

"How's that?" I ask.

"Bonnie and I have been searching these caves high and low since last night and yet it's  _now_  that we succeed in finding what we've been looking for."

His eyes flit to the tomb and Bonnie peers over his shoulder, curious to see what he is referring to.

"It's a tomb, Shane," I state patronisingly. "What makes you think that what you want is inside?"

"Oh, believe me, I know."

The tension is so thick that I shift forward instinctually, but he immediately holds up his finger and waves it in my face.

"Ah-ah-ah," he titters. "Before you do anything stupid, I think we should talk about this."

"Fine. Why don't we start with how you managed to manipulate Jeremy and Bonnie into doing your dirty work for you?"

I see Bonnie squirm, but Shane just throws his head back and chuckles. "It was really quite easy. You see, I'd been working my magic on Bonnie long before you and I even met; getting into her head, re-wiring her mind. I knew that I needed Bonnie on my side if I ever stood a chance of achieving my goal and I also knew that despite her fondness for me, she wouldn't betray her friends for me, so I did what I had to do."

"But how?" I inquire curiously.

"I'm a professor, I read a lot."

I shake my head. "There's more to it than that."

"You're right. Well, when I found out about the existence of vampires and the neat parlour tricks that they're able to perform, it got me to thinking, what if I could somehow re-create compulsion through other means? It took some time and a lot of practice, but I did my research and developed a hypnotic technique that was effective. Truthfully, I wasn't too sure just how effective it would be, but clearly it's  _very_  effective," he states with a smug grin, as he gestures at Bonnie.

"And you went to all of that effort just to resurrect some ancient, mythological vampire-witch?"

"Come on, Stefan. You're in love, surely you understand. If Elena were taken from you wouldn't you do whatever it took to bring her back?"

It's true that there is nothing I wouldn't do to bring Elena back if I lost her, perhaps even at the expense of others, but I can't admit that to him because it would only make me a hypocrite. However, my lack of response speaks a thousands words and he comments, "That's what I thought. Anyway, now that I'm here I'm sure you can understand that I can't possibly let you get to that tomb."

He turns his body towards it then strides forward, his hand out-stretched in front of him and I instantly leap forward in an attempt to stop him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he advises, before I'm able to get a hold of him. "Bonnie, if Stefan does anything against my wishes, you'll find his brother and kill him."

I look to Bonnie and she shakes her head frantically, her eyes filled with tears and her lip trembling.

"You can't do that," I spit at him through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I think you can. The advantage to my unique and unorthodox form of compulsion is that unlike with vampires, it cannot be broken or defied by vervain or any other means. The only way for Bonnie to escape me is if I willingly undo what I've done or if I die, and as you can probably guess, neither of those will be happening, since my life is still currently linked to Elena's. Therefore, if I tell something Bonnie, or Jeremy for that matter, to do something, they have to oblige. There's really no choice involved. Although in this instance, I am not too sure she would object to the opportunity to end the life of your worthless brother."

I growl at him, my fangs bared, but as always it evokes no sense of fear in him and he simply laughs.

"Enough of this," he calls sharply, holding his hands up. "I've waited long enough. It's time."

As he reaches the tomb, he strokes his hand over the surface of it and I helplessly stand by, knowing that everything that we have worked for to get the cure could be ripped away from us in a second. He grunts as he struggles to shift the heavy stone lid, his feet slipping across the rough ground as he pushes his entire body weight against it. My heart is in my throat, and I exchange an anxiety fueled glance with Bonnie, before looking back to Shane, the anticipation of what he is going to find drowning me. The lid suddenly jerks then with a loud scrape that echoes around us and I move forward, the apprehension too much to bear. After a few painstaking moments Shane swings his head to peer at us, then reaches inside the tomb and pulls out a wooden box covered in carvings. He blows the dust off the box, rubs his finger across it and then proceeds to open it. The box falls to the ground and when I look up Shane holds in his hand a transparent vial of blood red liquid.

Can it be...? Is that...? Is that... _the cure_?

He holds it up in his hand to examine it, whilst Bonnie and I standby silenced by the sheer intensity of this moment. Shane twists back around and bends back over the tomb, then pushes the lid again, more determinedly this time. He yells to Bonnie to toss him a flashlight, shines it inside and despite his threat to Damon's life I come up at the side of him to look inside.

It's empty.

I look at Shane's face, his mouth draped open in genuine horror and his brow furrowed in confusion.

I gulp loudly and then state, "Looks like your books were wrong."

* * *

** DAMON **

There seems to be no end to these tenebrous tunnels. I've practically sprinted my way through since I left Stefan and Elena, and they're now so far from me that I'm no longer able to hear them, and that unsettles me more than I care to admit. What if something happens? What if they're in trouble and they need me? I come to an abrupt halt and float backwards a few steps, as I contemplate whether or not to turn back. I willingly separated from them because I believed it was the only course of action, but the eerie silence that surrounds me and fills me up from the inside, makes me doubt that more and more with each passing second. Even though we'll cover more ground by splitting up, we shouldn't have. Not only are we more vulnerable when we're apart because we're worrying about each other, but we're also at our strongest when we're together. No, that does it. I'm turning back. Anyway, who cares if we don't find Bonnie? She's not worth my life and she's certainly not worth my brother's life or Elena's. The only reason I'm even in those godforsaken caves in the first place is because I was hoping to find the cure, but even that doesn't seem important anymore.

I turn on my heels and speed back in the direction I came from, winding my way through various passage ways, that I'm surprised I'm able to recall so easily. Suddenly I crash full force into something that causes me to lose my footing. I manage to recover instantly and swing around to see Elena's face staring back at me. Joy and relief explode out of me all at once, manifesting as a half-chuckle, half-sigh. She smiles at me and I take her into my arms.

"Thank god you're okay. Where's Stefan? Have you seen him?"

She shakes her head. "No. He went a different way. I...I had a bad feeling and I wanted to find you."

"I had a bad feeling too," I admit. "I really think we should get out of here. Now."

"But what about Stefan and the cure?"

"I thought you didn't care about the cure?" I ask, my eyebrows raised. "What happened to not risking our lives for it and concentrating on finding Bonnie?

"I...I mean...no...I don't. Of course I want to find Bonnie, I just...we came all this way. We shouldn't leave without at least trying to find it. Right?"

I frown at her suspiciously, then shrug my shoulders and take her hand in mine. "Come on. Let's find Stefan and get the hell out of here."

Her hand is unusually icy cold against my skin and the earlier anxiety I sensed from her seems to have passed, which I like to believe is because she feels safe in my presence.

"Sometimes I think my life would be a whole lot easier if I never met you," I say, partly joking and partly serious. "And not just because of the gut wrenching pain of being in love with my brother's girl, but because I get myself into situations like this."

She chuckles quietly and responds with, "Even though you'd never admit it, I think you kinda secretly like the thrill of not knowing whether you're going to live or die."

This is one of the rare occasions where I'm rendered speechless and for some reason I feel the strong urge to change the subject, so swiftly ask, "So how exactly are we going to find Stefan in this hell hole? I think I can remember how to get back to where we were before we split up, but after that...he could be anywhere."

"We could always leave him behind."

I jerk my head to her in shock and she meets my eyes, then cracks an amused smile and adds, "Kidding."

"Huh. Anyway," I reply clearing my throat. "If we wanna make it back, we need to run."

She nods in concurrence and I whiz off with her following closely behind. We only come to a stop when we reach the clearing that we were at when we went our separate ways, and whilst we attempt to remember which tunnel Stefan took the tranquility of the caves is interrupted by a deafening crash that shakes the ground beneath our feet, causing both us to jump out of our skin and her to throw her body into mine, gripping onto me tightly.

"It's okay, it's okay. It's just rocks," I inform her, seeing the pile of rubble that has fallen from the ceiling, on the floor a few or so feet behind us.

Despite the threat of danger having passed, she keeps her body pressed against me and her hand which is clinging to my shirt slowly unclenches so that her palm is resting upon my chest. I haven't been physically close to her in this way for what feels like a lifetime and despite the less than romantic setting, my stomach becomes knotty and I struggle to breathe.

"You can...let go now," I tell her, my voice quiet.

She shifts her head slowly to look up at my face and my heart freezes in my chest when I see the way she's looking at me, as though I am the moon and stars themselves. Even in the dreariness of these musty caves I can see the longing, desire and avid need reflected in the blackness of her eyes. But she's not supposed to look at me that way, those looks are reserved only for Stefan.

I inhale deeply and attempt to lean away from her, but despite the inappropriateness of the situation and impending doom that awaits us, I can't seem to stop myself from moving back into her, as my entire being gravitates to her. She slowly runs her hands up my chest to the side of my neck, gets onto her tiptoes so as to get closer to my face and I bend down so that my nose is mere inches from hers. My lips are parted, my ragged breaths mingling with her steady ones and then her mouth is against mine. My mind spins into infinity, and all conscious thought disappears which is why I don't even attempt to pull away and instead grab her back and pull her into me, my tongue gently prying open her mouth, our kiss instantly descending into a passion fueled frenzy.

* * *

** STEFAN **

Shane continues to stare down upon the tomb, before inhaling sharply and then letting out frustrated yell, as he kicks the solid stone with his foot. He lets out a screech of pain and stumbles back clutching his foot and I can't help but stare in embarrassed disbelief at the man that managed to out-wit us all.

"Elena!" Bonnie's voice calls out suddenly, causing every muscle in my body to grow rigid as I jolt around. She stands in the same spot I did just moments ago, her lips parted, her chest falling and rising as she attempts to catch her breath, her head glistening with sweat and her clothes dusty from where she's rubbed against the sides of the caves as she's maneuvered her way through their narrow channels.

She shouldn't be here,  _not now_.

"Bonnie," she states, causing the tears that are already in Bonnie's eyes to finally fall. "Are you okay?"

Bonnie bites her lip and nods her head, despite it being obvious that she's not but before Elena has the chance to reach her, Shane comes up by the side of me, stating, "Ah, Elena. Nice of you to make an appearance."

"Shane..." she acknowledges him, then notices the tomb that sits behind us.

When her eyes fall on me, I shoot her a warning stare, gesture my head at the tunnel that she just came from and mouth the word, "Go", but she defiantly remains stood on the spot.

"You'll be very happy to know that I've found...this," Shane informs Elena, holding up the vial that is still clutched in his hand and causing a frown to come across her face.

"But what-what is it?" she stammers.

"That, my sweet girl, is the cure."

"What?" she exclaims. "But how can that be...? That...it's..." she mutters, unable to formulate a sentence.

"Not what you were expecting?" he inquires. "Believe me, you're not the only one that has been both taken by surprise and bitterly disappointed today."

"Well, it's over now," I start turning to face him. "You've seen it yourself, there is no Silas. Only the cure and you have no use for that."

"No, no, no," he replies waving his finger in the air. "You've got it all wrong. There  _is_  a Silas, he just isn't here."

I feel Elena come up behind me and put her hand on my waist as she whispers, "Stefan, we've found Bonnie. Let's get her and go."

I know the promise I made to her not to risk our lives for the sake of the cure, but after everything we have been through to find it, to see it right there in front of me...I just can't. I can't leave without even trying. So I ignore her request that we leave and keep my eyes on Shane.

"If he's not here then where is he? Huh? You're the one that told me that story. What was it? That the cure was made specifically for Silas so he could be human to reunite with his one true love? If that's true why would the cure be here when he's not?"

He stammers incoherently and I add, "Exactly. Just face it, Shane. Damon was right. All of that stuff you read, they were just stories. Fairytales. And you wanted to believe it so badly that you convinced yourself it was real. Don't be a fool, Shane. Give us the cure. Because if you don't, the second Bonnie has found a way to unlink you from Elena, we will kill you."

He throws his head back and laughs. "You really are a blathering idiot, aren't you? Do you really think Bonnie doesn't know a simple unlinking spell? Bonnie can't unlink Elena from me because I  _told_  her not to. Therefore the only way of severing the link between me and your girlfriend is if I allow Bonnie to. I think that provides me with a bargaining chip, don't you?"

"What does that mean?" Elena asks from beside me.

"It means Silas might not be here, but he is somewhere and you will help me find him."

"Are you insane?" I scoff.

"I think it's already been established that I am," he replies with a twisted grin. "So do we have a deal? You help me find Silas and in return I will give you the cure and allow Bonnie to unlink Elena from me."

"No," I state flatly. "We don't have a deal."

With a hum and a har, he scratches his head and shifts on his feet. "Well, I'm very sad to hear that. Because if you refuse to help me, there's always another way to get what I want."

Before I even have chance to react he has whipped a knife out of his back pocket and plummeted it deep into his abdomen. A high squeal escapes Bonnie along with a roaring "NO!" from deep within my throat. Time descends into slow motion and I twist my head to see Elena's eyes widen, then she looks down to the pool of red that soaks through her shirt in the exact spot the blade has just ripped through Shane. My name leaves her lips, her voice trembling with horror and I catch her in my arms, falling to the floor with her still in my grip. I sink my fangs deep into my wrist and thrust it into her mouth, watching the puncture wound on her stomach that is oozing blood. But it doesn't heal.

"Bonnie!" I shout frantically. "Bonnie, do something! Help her!"

She rushes forward and collapses on her knees beside Elena and titters, "I don't know what to do! I can't...what do I do?"

"Anything!" I yell. "Just do SOMETHING!"

She places her hand over Elena's chest and begins chanting, but the wound continues to bleed profusely as trembling and pained grunts escape her. A soft chuckle comes from Shane as he states, "That won't work. Nothing will," he props himself up on his elbows and finishes with, "The only way to bring Elena back now is to find Silas. He will drop the veil to The Other Side and everyone whose dead will come back. I told you, Stefan...I always get what I want," before slumping backwards onto the cold, hard ground with a thud.

A ferocious snarl leaves me, as I jump to my feet, leaping over to Shane. His eyes are draped shut, a lake of blood surrounding him and I press my wrist still dripping with my blood into his mouth. I grunt as I wait for his self-inflicted wound to heal, but it doesn't and as I drain out the sound of Bonnie's incessant and desperate chants, I notice the sound of Shane's breathing has ceased. In a state of desperation I press my mouth to his, forcefully blowing into his mouth, but my efforts are in vein and I fall back onto the floor, a panicked exhalation floating out of my mouth. "No...no..."

"Stefan!" Bonnie calls and I shift back over to Elena.

"Did it work? Did it work?" I ask urgently.

She shakes her head, tears streaming down her face and she removes her trembling hand from Elena.

"No," I shout in her face. "No! Carry on! Don't stop!"

"Stefan..." Elena's voice croaks. "Don't, it's too late."

"No," I whisper, leaning over her and stroking her head which is drenched with perspiration.

"Elena, I'm sorry," Bonnie cries. "I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry."

"No," she chokes. "None of this is your fault. I'm just glad you're okay," she reaches for Bonnie's hand and Bonnie clings to it firmly, then kisses it lightly, her tears falling onto their clutched hands.

I watch them, completely numb and unable to process the events that are unfolding before my very eyes. Why didn't I just leave when Elena suggested it?  _Why?_

"No," I say again, getting to my feet, still adamant that this can't and won't happen. "I can save him. I can bring him back."

"Stefan, no," Elena's voice shouts strongly, stopping me in my tracks. "Please...please, stay with me."

Her glistening eyes are pleading with me and I can't do anything but fall to my knees beside her, taking her other hand in mine.

"Stefan, I'm...I'm dying," her voice cracks with the whimper she can no longer contain and I bow my head down against her chest.

Bonnie falls back, pressing her hand to her mouth in an attempt to stifle the sobs that are rising within her.

"No. No, you're not," I tell her firmly, still determined that this isn't happening. "You're going to be okay. You'll be okay."

She shifts her head from side to side, "No, I won't. I'm...I'm weak...I can feel...I can feel my heart slowing down...it's getting heavier...and I...I want to close my eyes. I'm...tired, Stefan. I'm so tired. I just...I need to rest my..."

Her eyes begin to blink rapidly, as she starts to slip into unconsciousness and I lean into her face. "Elena. Hey, hey, Elena, keep your eyes open. Keep them on me."

My voice seems to reach her and she opens them again, keeping them locked on mine. Any strength or bravery that she contains seems to completely fall away and she weeps uncontrollably, her face drenched with her tears and I feel my entire being falling to pieces at seeing her so broken, so terribly afraid.

"I'm sorry," she sobs. "I'm so sorry."

Sorry? What could she be possibly be sorry for?  _I'm_  the one that failed  _her_.

"I don't wan...I don't wanna die," she cries, her voice shaking so vigorously that it's almost impossible to decipher her words.

Bonnie can no longer suppress her sobs and her resolve leaves her piece by piece, just like Elena's. I keep my hand in her hair, my thumb rubbing her head and I'm bent over her, my chest pressed against hers and I can feel her heartbeat faltering and growing weaker with each second.  _Thump...thump...thump...thump._ I think of all the times it's been beating so forcefully and rapidly that it was a surprise she didn't crack in two from the sheer power of it. Oh, how I took that forgranted... Her heart has ceased to beat on two occasions already, breaking mine in the process, and I swore I would never allow myself to ever assume that it will always be that way; with her alive, her heart still beating. But here we are once again and I'm just as swarmed with disbelief, denial and regret as I was then, because I allowed myself to fall into a false sense of security by believing that I could never lose her again.

"Listen to me, don't be scared. I promise, I will find a way to bring you back. Whatever it takes. I won't stop. I'll never give up. I promise," I whisper, my voice hoarse with the emotion that is swallowing me up.

"Don't...don't go," she whimpers reaching her hand up for my face.

My heart grows heavy in my chest, and I tell her, "I'm not going anywhere," before pressing her palm to my lips.

"Tell Jeremy...tell him..."

Before she can complete the sentence I already knew the ending of, her hand slips from my face and her eyes roll back into her head her head, her heartbeat having faded into nothingness along with Shane's. I stare down at her through blurry eyes, the sounds of Bonnie's hysterical cries echoing around me in whispers and then I lean down and press my lips to her head firmly, one single tear trickling down onto her flesh.

"I'll bring you back. I will bring you back. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine, I promise. I'll never give up," I whisper against her, sweeping her matted hair from off her face and keeping my body on top of hers, still warm from the remnants of life.

* * *

** DAMON **

I only pull away from her hot mouth when I hear a commotion developing in distance, with the sounds of disgruntled shouts and grunts.

"What? What is it?" she questions searching my face anxiously.

"Don't you hear that?" I strain my ears to hear more and amongst the babble of voices I distinguish Stefan's voice and is that...Bonnie? "That's Stefan. It sounds like he's in trouble, come on we've gotta go."

"Hold on, wait," she calls, pulling me back to her.

"Wait? Wait for what?"

"Let's listen some more."

I do as she says and close my eyes. I drown out my other senses, the voices filling me up and I hear the mention of Elena's name, mingled with cries coming from Bonnie, then I hear...no, that can't be. My eyes open and she's directly in my face, her face pulled up into an alien smile.

"It always was so easy to fool you, Damon."

I stare at her bewildered for a few moments, then I piece it together. I'd recognise that cavalier and shrewd smile anywhere... " _Katherine_."

Her smile grows wider, as she leans into me and teases, "Did you miss me?"

I lurch forward, but she's gone in the blink of an eye and I growl with frustration.  _How could I have been so stupid_? I take off after her, following the continuing sound of upheaval, my pulse erratic with the fear of what lies ahead. My legs burn vigorously, as though my muscles are ablaze from the electric pace of my strides and I navigate through the tunnels easier than before, driven forward by adrenaline and instinct.

Despite my speed, I don't see the head of dark hair that belongs to Katherine up ahead and hope that she took a wrong turning, because if she reaches them before me I dread to think what catastrophe she could cause to add to the disaster that seems to have already unfolded. As the mingling of voices becomes louder in my ears, it becomes even easier to pinpoint the direction they're coming from and I arrive suddenly in a clearing, my eyes instantly looking around at the high ceiling and wide open space that I didn't expect to see.

I flit my eyes down to see Bonnie on the floor, her knees up against her face, as she shakes with the cries that wrack her body, Shane is behind her sprawled out on the ground, his eyes closed and a sea of red around him and Stefan, has his face down on the floor. Panic arises instantly and I sprint forward, calling his name, before dropping to the ground across from him.

"Stef? Stefan?"

I see his body twitch and relief flows through me, but as he sits up, from underneath his body a motionless, blood covered Elena emerges. Her skin is uncharacteristically white, her usually rosy lips tinted blue, her gleaming eyes drooped shut. It feels as though my heart has has been ripped from my body and is plummeted to the depths of hell. No...that can't be...it can't be her. It can't be Elena.  _It can't be_. I stare at her, then look back up to Stefan, his eyes are red and glazed over, and he looks straight ahead as though he can't see me.

" _What_... _happened_?"

He blinks rapidly, as though disorientated and then meets my eyes and simply states, "She's dead."


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Elena dead, the group try to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and summon the strength to go on. But where do they go from here and how will life ever be the same again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotionally heavy chapter that deals with the aftermath of Elena's death so there's a lot of grief, sadness, anger and the general emotions/reactions you'd expect of people that have just lost someone they love. Also vampire violence against a human as emotions explode.

** DAMON **

Despite Stefan's words being true, with Elena's dead body before my eyes as evidence of that, it doesn't seem to resonate with me. I attempt to ask Stefan what happened but he just stares ahead, his entire body frozen, so instead I go to Bonnie who is in a ball on the floor, her cries bouncing off the walls. I grab her by her arms and pull her onto her feet.

"Bonnie. Bonnie, hey," I say attempting to sweep her knot of black hair from her face. "Talk to me. What happened?"

"D-D-Damon?" she stammers, her sobs subsiding as she looks up at me through tear filled eyes.

"Yeah, it's me."

Her body begins shaking with more sobs and she practically falls into my arms, clinging to me tightly and it's then that I realise just how serious this is. I awkwardly wrap my arms about her, not knowing what else to do and stare at Shane from over her shoulder. It's only now that I notice the discarded knife that lies at the bottom of his feet and without any explanation I know what's happened. But  _why_? My eyes fall on a long, rectangular structure at the back of the room, the lid pushed three quarters of the way off, a wooden box on the ground in front of it. I pull away from Bonnie and it can't wait anymore, I  _need_  answers.

"Bonnie, what is that?" I gesture at the back of the room and she wipes her eyes, then turns her head to look.

"It's a tomb. It's where Shane thought Silas would be."

"But he wasn't?"

She shakes her head. "But the cure was."

"The cure?" I exclaim. "Where is it now?"

"I-I don't know," she stammers putting her hand to her head. "Shane had it in his hand and then-"

"Katherine took it," Stefan's voice says from behind me. I turn to him and he's on his feet, his clothes covered with Elena's blood.

"Katherine," I spit. So much for her taking a wrong turning.

"Look, can we please talk about this later?" Bonnie pleads exasperated. "Elena's...she's..." She trails off with a shake of her head, unable to finish that sentence. "Can we just get out of here?"

I look to Stefan, but he doesn't meet my eyes and his expression completely unreadable. I proceed to walk over to Elena and bend down to take her in my arms, but before my hand has even reached her an animalistic growl escapes Stefan and he throws his body into the side of mine forcefully, knocking me off balance.

"Don't touch her," he warns, his jaw clenched.

I stare at him in surprise as he takes her into his arms and holds her close. He proceeds to head down the tunnel that led us here and I exchange a look with Bonnie, then the two of us follow behind, leaving Shane's bloody, lonely body in the shadows where it belongs.

Our pace is hasty and aside from the odd sniffle from Bonnie the air around us is heavy with silence. All of us in a catatonic state, we push forward as though on auto-pilot, but although reality hasn't quite caught up to me yet there's a change in the atmosphere, as though the universe is aware of the beaming light of serenity and purity it's lost.

The darkness begins to lift as we grow nearer the exit and our footsteps grow more urgent. I hear Caroline's voice up ahead calling our names and Bonnie frantically yells back to her friend to alert her of her presence. Stefan is still ahead of us and he's the one that approaches the wide, rugged opening first. The blue skies from this morning remain, but there are blustery gales that I can already feel wafting into the caves.

"You've been ages," Caroline comments. "I was getting worried..." Her words fall from her mouth as she sees Elena in Stefan's arms, but before she has time to ask questions Bonnie bounds up from behind me and darts into Caroline's arms with so much force that she practically knocks her over. Jeremy steps forward and she jumps from Caroline to him and he holds her head to his chest, her strength dissolving once again as she sobs Elena's name over and over.

I step out from the caves but no one greets me with a relived smile and desperate hug, because their eyes are all locked on Stefan who is still clinging to Elena as though she is a part of his body.

"No...", Jeremy whispers walking toward Stefan, horror stricken. "That can't be...that's not...no..."

Caroline and Bonnie are clutching to one another and I make my way past them, coming up behind Jeremy. I place my hand on his shoulder and gently urge him to step back with me, not wanting him to get any closer. I know my brother inside and out, but right now I can't predict what he's going to do. His face is pale white and even the redness of his lips has faded, and he clutches Elena to his breast his chin resting on her chest.

"Jeremy..." I say his name softly and encouragingly, urging him to step back with me, but he shrugs me off and then spins on his heels, venom in his eyes.

"You said..." his voice starts off weak, but once he's swallowed the large lump in his throat he stamps his voice screams, "You said I shouldn't come, that I'd be a liability! Look! Just look at my sister!" His face is red and veins bulging from his neck and he pushes me backwards forcefully. "I should've never listened to you!"

"What? You think you could've saved her? You think you could've done anything more than what Stefan and Bonnie did?" I ask him, irritated at his inappropriate level of arrogance even at a time like this.

"Yes! I could've done something! I could've made a difference, I could've-"

"No, you couldn't," Bonnie states softly, her eyes on Jeremy. "Shane he...we found a tomb in the caves. He thought Silas was gonna be in there but he-he wasn't. So he did this. He killed himself because we refused to help him find Silas and he said this would motivate us."

Caroline and Jeremy's eyes are wide as they attempt to absorb the overload of information.

"What about the cure?" Jeremy asks.

"It was-it was in the tomb," Bonnie replies her voice quiet.

"But where is it now?"

"Katherine got it," I answer. "She tricked me into thinking she was Elena and she swiped it when everything was...happening. I dunno how she got here or how she knew what we were doing, but she got it."

Jeremy gestures his arms angrily and exclaims, "So after everything we risked, everything we've lost, we  _still_  don't even have the cure? That's it, I can't listen to anymore of this. I can't."

He begins pacing, his hand on his head and Bonnie attempts to reach her hand out to him, her lip trembling, before letting it fall by her side. Caroline remains rooted on the spot, her arms wrapped around her body and then Jeremy suddenly lets out a gut-wrenching scream full of anguish that causes me entire being to shake.

"Look, Jeremy, I know you're upset but you need to calm down," I warn.

"Why? What are you gonna do? Kill me?" he challenges, getting up in my face and squaring his shoulders.

"Don't tempt me."

"Jeremy, hey." Bonnie steps over to him and links her arm through his. "Everything's gonna be okay. My magic is stronger than it's ever been, I'll find a way to bring her back. I promise."

"How? You almost died last time?" Jeremy questions exasperated.

"Shane killed himself because Silas wasn't in that tomb and we refused to help him. He risked his own life because he really believes that Silas is out there and that he will bring him and his wife and everybody else back. And if that's true...we won't need a spell, we'll just need him."

Just as always all it takes for Bonnie to find a surge of strength is having Jeremy by her side and once she's finished speaking, her eyes are brimming with hope as she looks from Jeremy to me to Caroline and back again.

"It's not true," Stefan's coarse and deep voice says, causing the three of us to jump in surprise and immediately ripping the light from Bonnie's eyes.

"Well, if it's not, then I'll find a spell," Bonnie snaps.

"We have to at least try. This is Elena," Caroline says.

Stefan seems to react to the mere mention of Elena's name, but then bows his head and retreats back into himself once more. I have been separated from my brother more times than I can count, but this...I don't like it. The worst thing that could ever happen has just happened and I...need him. But the way he stands firm on the spot, with his arms wrapped about Elena, cradling her head, his eyes staring down at her intently, tells me that he's incapable of anything right now.

We just need to get back home and everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.

* * *

We all pile into the boat Shane, Bonnie and Jeremy used to get to the island to get back to the car, and we float across the opaque, tranquil lake in wearisome silence, staring at Elena's body, still cradled in Stefan's arms, each of us attempting to absorb the crisis that has just taken place. Whilst Bonnie is shedding more tears, Jeremy, Stefan, Caroline and I are still in too much shock to display any sort of emotion. I glance at Jeremy, his eyes wide, just boring into Elena and I wonder what I would do if it were Stefan. To lose a sister, a brother...it's a loss that no one on earth should ever have to encounter and for all the times I've despised Stefan and come close to killing him myself, I know that if it were to ever happen it would be the end for me. Having a brother of my own means that, I can empathise and despite how indifferent I usually am to Jeremy, right now I see an afraid orphan boy who has just lost the only remaining family he has. I feel my heart grow heavy with sorrow for him.

When we eventually reach the car, it's almost dark and the thought of facing a 20 hour drive home is almost too much to bear. I almost want to ask Bonnie if there's a teleportation spell in that special witchy book of hers but manage to refrain from asking.

"So, how are we doing this?" I ask turning to them. "Stefan with me and you three?"

They all shrug their shoulders dismissively, too numb to respond and I sigh impatiently before opening my car. Knowing that Stefan won't separate from Elena I gesture for him to place her in the backseat. Despite the limited space on the back seat, he carefully lays her down, placing her feet on the floor and then climbs in beside her, his hand never leaving her flesh, which by now must be cold to the touch. I close the door on him, but as I go to get in the drivers' seat Jeremy blocks my way.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"What's with Stefan?"

"He's in shock," I reply. "I thought that was obvious."

"Well, don't you think you should do something? Talk to him."

"And what do you want me to say? Look, Stefan is unpredictable right now. We just need to focus on getting home. My brother will be fine and once we've found Silas, none of this will matter. Right, Bonnie?"

I never expected that I'd look to Bonnie of all people for support, but she is the only one that ever seems to be able to get through to Jeremy and honestly, the only thing that is keeping me together right now is believing that she will find a way to reverse the events that took place today and bring Elena back, whether that's through a spell cast by her or by locating Silas. But she doesn't respond to me and just stands there, uncertainty in her eyes, so it's Caroline instead that steps up.

"Jeremy, Damon's right. I know she's your sister, but Stefan loves her, we all do. We're all in shock, we're all scared and we don't know what's going to happen, but we can't turn on each other. Not now. We just have to get through the next 20 hours. Together. That's what Elena would want."

Jeremy sighs deeply, then nods and I know that he's imagining Elena giving the exact same pep talk Caroline just has, because she would. Elena is the glue, the one that keeps us all together and now that she's temporarily gone we have to fight stronger than ever to make sure we don't fall apart without her, because that's the only way we will get her back. Just as I never expected Bonnie to be the one I turn to, I didn't expect Caroline to be the one to step up and momentarily play the role Elena usually would, but she gives Jeremy an encouraging smile and he accepts her words wholly, then turns to head for the car. Maybe having Caroline around isn't  _all_  bad.

"Do you remember which way it is?" Caroline asks me.

I nod and she replies with, "We'll follow you," and then climbs into her car without another word.

* * *

The remaining blood bags at the bottom of Elena's backpack are enough to keep Caroline and I alert enough to drive without stopping, and it's only after almost 8 hours of continuous driving that we pull into a gas station to refuel. I peer into the backseat of the car, where Stefan is still sitting, expressionless and motionless, aside from his hand which brushes Elena's head gently.

Once Caroline has pulled in behind me I climb out of the car and as she's walking towards me I ask, "How are they?"

"Sleeping," she replies.

I nod my head and envy the reprieve of sleep that they're lucky enough to be experiencing right now, since resting for me isn't an option. We fill the cars with gas in silence and I head inside to compel the guy behind the counter (we spent the last of our money on the motel), then go to get back in the car, but am stopped by Caroline gently calling my name.

"Yeah?" I reply, swinging round to face her.

She's stood on the spot, her eyes down on the ground and her interwoven fingers anxiously twiddling round and round.

"I'm...I'm scared," she admits her voice wobbly.

I inhale lightly, her words having caught me off guard. Just as Bonnie clung to me desperately in the caves, Caroline is now turning to me for comfort and support, once again reminding me of the gravity of this situation. She looks up to me, her blue eyes round and wide, and glistening from the tears that are in them. I know she wants me to tell her that I have a plan and that everything's going to be okay because I'm the only one that can do that for her right now, but the truth is I'm scared, too. No scrap that. I'm  _terrified_. Elena is...is...gone, Stefan is unreachable, Bonnie is a blathering mess and Jeremy, although one of the strongest of us is just a kid that has lost his sister. I'm the only one left. The stable one, the one that everyone is counting on, even optimistic, self-assured Caroline. But that isn't me, that's always been Stefan, and for a good reason, too. I'm not cut out for this.

"We're all scared, Caroline," is all I manage to respond with.

Her lip begins to tremble and she bites it in an attempt to hide it.

"What if Bonnie can't fix it? What if there is no way to bring Elena back? What will we do then? I mean, look at us. We're all...we're falling apart." Her voice quivers as she speaks and despite usually detesting her, I instinctively step towards her, at seeing her so upset. For all our differences we share this one moment and it's just between us. The last ones standing.

"Elena's been my best friend since the first grade..."

Before she can say anymore, her body begins to shake and she descends into floods of tears, unable to contain it any longer. I close the gap between us and despite myself I really want to comfort her, but don't know how, so I simply reach my hand out and gently pat her arm. As I watch her struggle to breathe through her cries, I realise that even now the events of the day still haven't resonated with me. For Bonnie it was instant, for Caroline it's now, but for me, Stefan and Jeremy it's yet to come.

Maybe denying the truth to ourselves is just our basic human instinct to survive, because the alternative...to admit the truth that Elena's really... It would be completely and utterly catastrophically  _soul destroying_.

* * *

In total our trip to Nova Skotia has lasted 4 days, but when we pull up outside Elena and Jeremy's, it feels as though it's been a lifetime. I inform Stefan that we're home, but it falls on deaf ears and I get out of the car to a red eyed Caroline and yawning Bonnie and Jeremy.

I clear my throat. "It's almost 10. We should...we should all get some rest tonight and we'll start on a plan tomorrow."

Bonnie shakes her head. "No, we start now. We can't waste anymore time."

"Bonnie, look at yourself. You're exhausted. We all are. We're not...none of us are in the right frame of mind to be dealing with this. Not now."

It feels strange being the voice of reason for a change.

"What about Stefan?" Caroline asks gesturing her head in the direction of my car.

I sigh deeply. "What about him? He'll be fine."

"He doesn't seem fine," Jeremy replies bluntly. "He needs to let her go. She should stay here at home with me. Her  _family."_ He speaks with so much venom, and I know he's never approved of me but I can't fathom why all of his anger seems to be aimed at me.

Bonnie nods in agreement. "Jeremy's right. I'll stay here with Jeremy and I'll look through Grams' grimoires until I find something, and Elena...she should be here with us in case I find something."

For once, I do agree with them because despite there being some selfish part deep inside me that wants to keep Elena close, she should be with her family and with Bonnie, who is the only one that has any chance of being able to bring her back. The problem is that I think I'll have a hard time of convincing Stefan of the same thing.

"You need to talk to him," Jeremy says again, irritably.

I sigh heavily and head back to the car. I put the passenger seat back and lean in to address him.

"Stef? You need to move. We need to get Elena inside."

He shakes his head lightly, his eyes remaining wide, his face vacant.

"Look, Bonnie's gonna look through her witchy books and see if she can find something, but she'll need Elena to be with her in case she does. Right?"

He twists his head towards me and when his eyes meet mine, a shiver runs down my spine. I know my brother, I've seen every side to him that exists, seen first hand how far he can fall and the dark place that he can go over to but this...I've never seen him like this. It's as though he's a stranger. Even without his humanity I have never seen him look so...empty. He shifts in his seat, taking me by surprise and I stand up straight and move away from the car. A few moments later he emerges, with Elena in his arms and walks around the side of the car to the others with me a few paces behind him.

When the others' see Elena, it's as though it hits them all over again and Bonnie puts her hand to her mouth, whilst Caroline's eyes, red raw from the tears she hasn't stopped crying since last night starts weeping again. Jeremy approaches Stefan, reaching his arms out, but the second his hands land on Elena, Stefan's entire body jerks, and a vicious roar comes deep from his throat, causing my bones to shake and Bonnie and Caroline to yelp in surprise, from the sheer volume. His grip on Elena tightens as he clutches her hard to his chest and with his shoulders back he glares at Jeremy, his fangs protruding from his mouth. At first Jeremy reacts with surprise, but it takes only a moment for the anger to brew as he explodes and runs at Stefan, attempting to rip Elena from his arms.

I yell out and attempt to get Jeremy away from Stefan, but his hunter strength is a force to contend with and amongst the struggle Elena suddenly falls from Stefan's arms and onto the ground with a hollow, thud, causing all of us to instantly stop. We all stare down at Elena's lifeless body in horror, contorted, mangled and twisted as though she is nothing more than a rag doll, then Stefan pounces on Jeremy, instantly sinking his fangs into his neck.

"NO!" we all scream out in panic.

Caroline and I jump on Stefan, but it's Bonnie who incapacitates him with her incantation, giving me enough time to get up behind him and snap his neck. He flops to the floor, mere inches from Elena and we all stand by, breathless and in a complete state of shock. Bonnie is the first to step forward and help Jeremy to his feet, and Caroline assists, then the three of them band together. They're panting, their eyes on me, full of horror and disgust.

"Get out of here! Now! He tried to kill me!" Jeremy yells.

I want to defend my brother, but I just stand by paralysed. Jeremy pushes past me and carefully lifts Elena from the ground, then he marches back up the drive and heads for the house, with Caroline and Bonnie in tow. When he steps through the door he turns to me and shouts, "If you know what's good for you, you'll stay away," before slamming the door.

* * *

I cross the threshold of The Boarding House, Stefan in my arms and proceed to carry him up to his room, before throwing him down onto his bed on his back. I take off downstairs and arrive back up with a vial of vervain and proceed to pour it down his throat. I've already had more than I can take and I simply can't face the aftermath of our altercation with the others. Not today. Hopefully this dosage will keep him out for the rest of the night, so I can at least try and get some much needed rest. I re-position him across the left side of the bed, take his shoes off, place him under the covers and then perch myself beside him with a long, mournful sigh.

For almost 24 hours I've watched Stefan frozen, as though in a daze and completely out of touch with reality, and now I feel myself slipping into that same state. A veil between the world and I seems to rise up around me, disorientating me and rendering my senses void. Not much of anything has been going on inside me since I first saw Elena lying on the floor in those caves. The only thing that has kept me able to function, to keep moving, is my determination to get back home.  _Everything will be fine when we get home,_  I kept telling myself, but it isn't. It's worse and this time there is nothing left for me to cling to. Do I put my faith in Bonnie in the hope that she will find some spell to bring Elena back? Or do I pray that against all odds Silas exists? Or do I instead descend into a bubble of ignorance and pretense? We didn't go to Nova Skotia. We didn't find the island. We didn't find Shane or Bonnie or the cure. Elena didn't die. Elena didn't die. Elena didn't die.

**Elena. didn't. die.**

Everything is fine.  _Everything is perfectly fine_.

In spite of the void inside me, I kick my shoes off, climb under the covers and shift towards Stefan until I can feel him against me, and just like that I'm the lonely, terrified 10 year old boy that I was in 1849, that just needs his baby brother; the only person in the world that never leaves.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The loss of Elena is still crippling the group. As Damon tries to keep the pieces together, Bonnie is plagued with guilt and Stefan continues to spiral, but an old friend gives him the comfort and strength he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this is an emotionally heavy episode and Stefan in particular struggles to deal with Elena's death.

**DAMON**

"Elena! Elena!"

Stefan's voice pulls me from sleep and when I look beside me, he's twitching violently on the bed, caught in a nightmare about Elena. I gently nudge his shoulder to rouse him, but unlike with most nightmares, waking up won't provide him with any reprieve because the nightmare he's having is our reality.

Elena's gone.

He jerks his eyes open and practically pounces from the bed, his eyes wide in his head and his breathing frantic.

"Whoa, whoa, Stef," I say holding my hands out and getting up from the bed.

His eyes rapidly flit around the room and he blinks repeatedly, squeezing his eyes tight shut and he puts his hands to the side of his temples and grunts as though he's in physical pain, as the memories of the last few days flood his consciousness. I cautiously step forward, but he hears my footsteps and points his finger at me, then screams, "You!" and launches himself at me.

I'm not sure who he thinks I am, but can see from his wild and frenzied eyes that he can't see me.

"Stef! Stefan, it's me! It's Damon!" I choke out.

Suddenly the fog from his eyes lifts and his grip loosens, as he rolls off me with a huge sigh. He begins pacing the room, his hand to his mouth and asks, "What's happening to me? What's happening to me?" through panicked gasps.

"Stefan, look at me. Let me help you."

"Help me? How? How can you help me?" he exclaims gesturing his arms in the arm.

It's very rare that I'm afraid of my brother, but seeing him like this unsettles me. Even Ripper Stefan would be better than this, because at least I know how to handle him, but this Stefan is completely alien to me. It's almost as though the shock has damaged him beyond repair and he no longer knows how to function. At this point, I'm not even sure he truly knows what has happened, I know I sure as hell don't. Even now I'm attempting to convince myself that Elena is at home, sleeping soundly under her baby pink duvet, with her teddy bear clung to her chest, her cheeks rosy and her heart still beating.

"Where is she?" he asks, the events of the night before clearly having been completely wiped from his memory due to the trauma of it.

Of course I know who he's on about, but I frown and ask him, "Who?"

"You know who!" he explodes. "Where is she, Damon?"

He runs up to my face, then exhales and turns and exits the room swiftly. Naturally I take after him and after searching every room in the house for Elena with no success, he heads for the front door. I dive in front of it and he growls, "Move out of my way, Damon."

"No," I reply firmly. "You're not leaving this house until you've calmed down. Got it? Now get your ass in there."

For once our roles are the way they're supposed to be, with me being the mature, bossy one of the two of us, trying to keep control of my reckless little brother. He scowls at me and stomps off into the living room, throwing himself onto the couch with a loud thud.

"So what cliche pep talk are you going to give me? Are you going to tell me it's all gonna be okay? That we'll find Silas and it'll all be fine and dandy?" he asks, his eyebrows raised.

I'm in complete disbelief at the immediate change in his reaction and behavior in comparison to yesterday. He seems to have skipped from catatonic to manic overnight, and as concerned as I was for him yesterday I think I preferred him then to now.

"You need to pull yourself together, baby bro," I tell him, hoping that tough love is the best approach to take.

"Pull myself together?" he whispers under his breath with a small scoff and a shake of his head.

"What happened at the island happened, but we're going to get her back."

The truth is since the moment I saw Elena lying on that floor, I haven't felt an ounce of pain or grief, because unlike Stefan who seems to have already given up, I haven't. I have no doubt that we will get her back, because we  _have_  to.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Like I said, you need to pull yourself together. This ain't gonna work if you can't get a handle on your shit."

"You mean like you?" he scoffs, then gets up from the couch and pushes past me.

I know that I'm not getting through to him, so I do the only thing I can and hit him where I know it'll hurt.

"You almost killed Jeremy last night, you know," I state.

He stops dead in his tracks and swings back round, his eyes wide. "You're lying."

I shake my head. "I wish I was. Don't you remember? He tried to take Elena inside the house and you lost it. You jumped on him and if it wasn't for Bonnie stopping you and me snapping your neck, you would've killed him."

"No..." he whispers, but I can see him searching his brain, trying to fight through the fog to retrieve the vague memory of it that still exists somewhere inside him.

"Whatever's going on with you, you need to stop now, before you hurt someone. You need to have a clear head if you wanna get her back. First things first you need to apologise to Jeremy, because something tells me we're gonna need him and Bonnie on our side."

It almost makes me vomit in my mouth to have to be the logical and sensible one of the two of us. What has happened to the world?

Stefan meets my eyes and then slowly says, "I need to go."

"Where?" I ask taking a step forward.

"Where do you think?"

With that he disappears and I chase after him, unwilling to leave his side for even a moment for fear of what he might do.

* * *

** BONNIE **

I cling to Jeremy, my arms barely fitting around his large frame and bulging biceps, but I don't let go for even a moment and I haven't since the second we stepped through the door. After hours of endless sobbing he drifted off into an exhausted and heavy sleep, but I've been kept awake all night by the crippling guilt and regret that is eating me up from the inside.

 _It's my fault_.

Jeremy's lost his sister because of me and I've lost my best friend. When I look back on my life, there's not a time I can't remember Elena being in it. There's not a memory I hold that doesn't in some way involve her, because her and Caroline are two of the only people that have been a constant in my life. With an absent mother, and a working father, it was only Grams that I truly had to call family. But Elena...she was part of that family and now she's gone. I can't even cry about it anymore, I'm just numb, but Jeremy hasn't even begun to feel. I remember when Grams died the process of grief was so intense, but would come and go in waves, each wave different from the last and growing in speed and intensity until I felt I was drowning.

I want to believe with everything I have inside me that I can fix this, that I can find a way to repair the damage I've caused by bringing Elena back and put an end to this nightmare. Losing Elena was always going to be painful for me, but for her to die this way, by my hand...I can't live with that, I just can't. I don't even know how Jeremy can stand my touch, considering I'm the one responsible for the loss he's suffering through. If I had never let Shane in my life, if I hadn't of trusted him and let him worm his way into our lives, to use hypnosis on both Jeremy and I, Elena would still be here. It's my naivety and misplaced trust that has caused all of this and I'll never forgive myself for that, so how can Jeremy?

I'm so afraid for him. My Jeremy. He's already lost more than anyone should ever have to lose; his parents, Jenna, Ric and now Elena for a second time. He's so strong, so capable, but I know him and deep down inside he's still that vulnerable orphan boy that needs his big sister. Even through the grief of losing his parents, he survived because he still had Elena, in the same way that she survived because she still had him. If the situation were reversed and it was Jeremy that was dead, I know how destroyed Elena would be, how completely broken and I also know that losing Elena will do the exact same to Jeremy. I don't have any siblings of my own, but I understand with perfect clarity the complexity of the bond between Jeremy and Elena, which means I also know that Jeremy won't survive this. That's why it's imperative that I save my best friend, whatever the cost.

It's already destroyed Stefan. They say you never know how you'll react to the death of a loved one until it happens, and it's true. I trace my fingers gently over the large white band aid on the side of Jeremy's neck, still covered with the blood from where Stefan's fangs sank into him. Of all the ways I expected Stefan to react, that was at the bottom of the list. I've always known how much Elena loved him and he returned that love with just as much intensity, but who does he think he is? We  _all_  love her. What gives him the right to be angrier or sadder than us? And to take it out on Jeremy of all people, what was he thinking?  _We're_  her family and  _we're_  her best friends; the ones that have known her our entire lives and shared everything with her since we were in nappies, and although I know I shouldn't be, part of me is bitter and resentful of Stefan's grief, because he doesn't love her like we do. Like  _I_  do.

Unlike Damon, I've always respected Stefan and although I would've preferred Elena's choice of boyfriend to have befallen an ordinary Matt Donovan type of guy, if she was going to be with a vampire Stefan would've been my first choice, because I thought he was different. Despite the natural hatred in my genetics for vampires, I sympathised and understood that he couldn't change what he was, just as I can't, and I chose to look beyond his bloody past in order to see the good that Elena saw, but his actions yesterday have made me question everything. With Elena gone how much does Stefan really care for us? He's always protected us, fought with us, but perhaps it was never for us and it was always for Elena, and with her gone now we mean nothing to him. Well, if that's the case, I will not put Jeremy in danger. He's already suffered enough and if Stefan is going to have some sort of psychotic Ripper break down I don't want him anywhere near us. I'll find Elena on my own, with the people I can actually trust.

Elena is lying the next room, on her bed where she should be and it sends a cold shiver through me to know that she's in there cold and alone,  _because of me_. I'm terrified that I won't find a way to fix this. I know that Jeremy will look to me to save his sister and I want to more than anything, but what if I fail her and him a second time? No, that won't happen. I would die before I let that happen.

I reach for my phone from the nightstand carefully so as not to disturb Jeremy and hover on Caroline's name. I haven't spoken to her since she left here last night to go home and I'm worried about her. Jeremy and I have each other, but she has no one. Tyler is still away and despite her mom always being there for her, I know she's not the person Caroline would turn to for comfort. Just like Jeremy, she always attempts to put on a brave face, but Elena was as much of a sister to her as she was to me and I know how hard this has hit her. I write her a text to ask if she's okay and the pinging tone that notifies me that the message has been delivered causes Jeremy to squirm beneath me, a quiet moan escaping him. His eyes gently flutter open as he slowly wakes and I run my hand through his hair and quietly greet him with a, "Hey."

"Hey." His voice is thick with sleep, his eyes are still red from the tears he cried through the night and I'm sure I don't look much better either.

"Want some breakfast? I can make something," I offer starting to get up out of bed, not sure what else to do other than maintain the normal routines that we're expected to immerse ourselves in after suffering through such a life changing event.

He shakes his head. "No, no," he mumbles, pulling me back into him. "I just want to stay here a while longer. I want you to hold me."

I sink back down under the sheets and extend my right arm to him. He moves into it, presses his head back to my chest and I wrap my arm about his waist, before taking my other hand and mingling it into his hair. I feel him exhale softly and I'm overwhelmed at the comfort my embrace seems to provide him with. I may think he should hate me for everything that's happened, but he doesn't and for some crazy reason, I think he actually needs me.

The first time I noticed how tall he'd grown or the rigid muscles that were visible through his shirt or his face, which seemed to have gone from cute to handsome over night, I dismissed it, because people change; they go through puberty and they grow, that's what happens. And when I felt the first flicker of attraction for him, I convinced myself that I was crazy, that I was imagining it, because it was Jeremy. As in,  _Jeremy Gilbert_. The first time he kissed me I hadn't anticipated the whirlwind of passion and desire that would overtake me, the explosion of delight. But after I'd pushed the embarrassment aside and admitted the truth to myself about my feelings, everything felt so right with him that I never questioned it again, except for now. Because right here and now, as I hold him close against my body, with his heart banging against my ribs and his arms desperately clinging to me, I realise that I need him too. I need Elena's little brother more than I've ever needed anyone in my life.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I pull up onto the Gilberts' drive, slamming my foot on the brake so harshly that Damon practically smashes through the windscreen, but before he has time to scald me for it I've already thrown myself out of the car and I'm knocking on the front door.

Damon comes up behind me and yanks my arm. "We should just go. Now isn't the right time. I know I said to apologise, but-"

I turn round and shove him hard, irritated at his constant interference. Why can't he just leave me be? Why has he chosen  _now_  of all times to play the protective big brother?

The door opens and Bonnie's face appears in the open crack. Her eyes are dark, her lips unusually pale and it's clear just from looking at her that she hasn't got a wink of sleep.

"Stefan." She says my name with such dread that I instantly know that Damon's right about what I did last night, even if I have no recollection of it. I can see Jeremy in the background, sitting at the table in the kitchen, staring blankly at the plate of food in front of him, a cup of coffee in his hand and she glances back at him worriedly, before meeting my eyes.

"Can we come in?" I ask softly.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she answers, her voice quiet but harsh.

"Please, Bonnie. I need to speak to Jeremy."

"Look, maybe we should just go," Damon says grabbing my arm.

I push him away, keeping my eyes fixed on Bonnie and she says again more firmly, "Like I said, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Who is it?" Jeremy's voice inquires as he gets up from his seat and walks towards the door.

Bonnie titters anxiously, but Jeremy's eyes fall upon me and the second they do his body goes rigid and his jaw clenches. I can see the red stained band aid that covers the left side of his neck and I feel my stomach sink, the shame instantly taking me over.

"Jeremy, I've told them to leave," Bonnie tells him.

I meet Jeremy's intense gaze and quietly say, "Please?"

He comes up behind her and pulls the door open wider. "Come in."

Bonnie looks surprised, but she moves aside and I step over the threshold, Damon close behind me. Bonnie closes the door behind us and Damon stands beside me awkwardly. The tension so thick that I feel I'm choking on it and I know I have to be the one to break the silence, but I don't even know where to begin.

"So?" Jeremy questions when I fail to find the words to say. "What do you want?"

"I'm-I'm sorry, Jeremy," I stammer pathetically. "Damon told me what happened-"

"Did he?"

"I...I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You tried to kill me and if Bonnie hadn't have stopped you, you would've," he replies coldly.

"Look, I wasn't in my right frame of mind. I don't even remember it. I must've been in shock. You know I'd never usually-"

He cuts me off with, "We're all in shock," and I fall silent, not knowing what else I can possibly do or say to make this right. My head is spinning and I can't help but wonder where Elena is. Is she in the house? Is she upstairs? Is she in her room? Is she on the floor? Or on her bed? I know she's gone and her body is just that - a body - but I crave to see her.

"Well, you've said what you wanted to say, so now you can leave," Jeremy says gesturing for the door.

"Jeremy, my brother here is trying to make amends. We're all on the same side here, right?" Damon says, in an attempt to support me.

"I thought we were, but we're obviously not. Face it, Damon, you don't give a crap about me and neither does Stefan. The only reason you're here is for Elena, but the thing is, she wouldn't even be dead right now if it wasn't for you two."

The word dead is like a lightning bolt to my heart and I flinch at even hearing it.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Damon's voice changes instantly and I can feel his body grow rigid with the first flurries of anger.

"It means that if Elena had never met either of you she wouldn't of died, she wouldn't have become a vampire and she wouldn't have needed that goddamn cure in the first place. Everything that's happened to her is  _your_  fault."

Every word he speaks feels like a dagger to the heart. "Please, just listen and try to understa-"

"I understand," Jeremy starts before I manage to finish my sentence. "I'm a Hunter, designed to kill vampires and do you know why Hunters even exist? It's to rid the world of monsters like you. Elena being gone affects us all. She's my sister, my family, she's been there my whole life. Do you think I'm not in shock, that I'm not hurting? I am, but unlike you I don't take it out on anyone else. But you're a vampire, so of course your first instinct is to hurt or kill to take the pain away."

I shake my head frantically, Jeremy's words echoing in my head on repeat.

"I think you should stop," Damon tells Jeremy warningly.

"Why? I guess the truth hurts."

"Jeremy..." Bonnie says softly with a shake of her head.

"What?" he exclaims looking to Bonnie. "I was born to kill vampires and I'm damn good at it. The only reason you two are still breathing right now is because of Elena, but guess what? She's gone, so don't think I won't-"

"What, huh?" I explode finally finding my tongue. "Kill me? Go right ahead, you'd be doing me a favour. If you really hate me that much and if I'm such an abomination, just do it. Do it!" I scream, getting in Jeremy's face.

He scowls at me and I feel Damon pulling me back as he says, "Stefan, let's just go. Now."

"Yeah, that's right, just go and don't come back. Me, Bonnie and Caroline will find a way to bring Elena back without you and you will  _never_  see her again."

Damon tries to run at Jeremy, his threat of never seeing Elena again causing the rage to explode out of him and despite wanting to lash out myself, I find myself pushing Damon back to stop him from getting to Jeremy.

"Jeremy, just stop. Stop it!" Bonnie shouts exasperated. "None of this is Stefan's fault, it's  _mine_."

I stare at Bonnie wide eyed and Jeremy turns to her, the anger instantly falling from his face. She bows her head and bites her lip, then says in a trembling voice, "I'm the one that brought Shane into our lives. I'm the one that let him get close enough to manipulate us, I'm the one that cast that spell linking him to Elena and I'm the one that stood by and let him kill her. I didn't do anything, Jeremy, I was completely powerless. I should've stopped him."

Jeremy shakes his head and steps towards her, taking her hands in his. "Bonnie, that's not true," he says softly, every ounce of rage having completely disappeared from his voice.

"Hey, she's right. Shane is the cause of all this and she's the one that let him into our lives, said we could trust him. So maybe instead of blaming me and my brother you should start blaming your girlfriend," Damon bites, unable to let go of his residual anger at Jeremy's words.

Jeremy spins on his heels, the fury having returned to his eyes and as the arguing ensues, their shouting voices fade from my ears and my head suddenly feels that it's been blown apart by white noise. There's a deafening and incessant buzzing in my ears, my vision begins to blur, my body feels as though it's turned to jelly and I feel a pressure at the center of my chest that makes me feel as though I'm about to implode. I suddenly take off, disappearing out of the door, leaving the mingle of Jeremy and Damon's enraged and bitter voices behind.

I sprint through the streets, the memory of the first time I saw Elena flashing through my head; the fear in her eyes when she learned of what I was; the terror when Klaus compelled me to feed on her; the hysteria of her cries when I threatened to drive her off Wickery Bridge; her lifeless and floating body after I'd failed to save her life; the shallow, gasping breaths she struggled to take when she failed to make the transition. I regret it all. Every ounce of pain and suffering I caused her, I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could take back that moment when I bumped into her coming out of the men's room, but because of my selfishness, because of my desperate yearning to get to know her I failed to consider the impact having me in her life would have. I was so foolish then, so unaware of what she would come to mean to me, how deeply I would fall in love with her, because that decision to meet her was based on nothing more than a childish whim. What did I think would happen? That the human and vampire would fall in love and live happily ever after? I always knew it would come to this, that my very existence and presence in Elena's life was a danger to her. Jeremy's right, Elena meeting me is what has caused all of this.

I step through the door of The Grill - which is surprisingly quiet considering it's lunch hour - and make my way to the bar, where I compel myself a bottle of whisky. I don't even bother with a glass, I just pour the liquid straight down my throat. The shock has managed to keep the grief at bay, but I can feel it slipping and the reality catching up to me and I need to stop it. The half bottle I manage to consume within a few minutes still isn't enough to stop the memories that are running through my head on a loop, so I guzzle it down faster.

"Whoa, take it easy there, buddy," a voice says from beside me.

I pull the bottle from my lips to see an unfamiliar face smiling back at me. He's in his mid to late thirties, dressed in a suit and an overwhelming scent of cologne wafts from him, making me want to heave.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" I snap.

He takes his drink from the barmaid and then smiles to himself, and says, "I didn't mean any offence."

"Good. Then you won't mind leaving me to get back to my drink then," I reply, throwing my head back and continuing to gulp down the remainder of the bottle, determined that I won't stop until the world completely disappears.

* * *

**DAMON**

This time I decide not to chase Stefan. Regardless of how much I want to protect him from harm or stop him from doing anything he might regret, he needs to deal with things in his own way and the harder I cling to him the more he will fight against me. I'm sat in Elena's living room on the couch across from Jeremy whilst Bonnie makes coffee. Thanks to her ability to remain calm in any given situation she managed to stop mine and Jeremy's bickering long enough to convince us to sit down and talk, but so far there's been no success with that and Jeremy has his arms folded across his chest, as he bites on the side of his mouth irritably, silence extending between us. Bonnie returns with coffee and places mine on the coffee table in front of me, before going to sit beside Jeremy.

"So..." she starts, sensing that neither Jeremy nor I are going to swallow our pride by being the first to speak. "I think we need to be mature about this and just decide to draw a line in the sand here and now."

Despite still seething at the things Jeremy said, she's right and oddly enough I find myself agreeing with her more and more lately. Seriously, what is up with the world? First,  _I'm_  the responsible brother and now I'm agreeing with  _Bonnie Bennett_?

"Damon?" Bonnie prompts. "Do you have something to say to Jeremy?"

"Ah-ah." I wave my finger in the air and reply with, "I think that Jeremy is the one that has something to say to  _me_  first."

He gives me a death stare and Bonnie sighs. "Seriously, Damon, grow up."

I roll my eyes and murmur a pitiful, "Sorry," in Jeremy's direction.

"Jeremy?"

"Sorry," he replies, his apology just as un-heartfelt as mine.

The thing is, it's not that I'm not sorry, because I am, it's just that I'm too stubborn to admit when I'm sorry, because that means admitting that I've actually done something wrong.

"Good," Bonnie says patronisingly with a nod of her head. "Now that we've got that over with, we can start on a plan to find Silas."

"Silas?" Jeremy questions turning to face her.

"Yes, Silas. We need to bring Elena back, there's no if or but involved, we  _have_  to."

Yet again I agree with her.

"So what do you suggest?" I ask.

"We do our research. We read up, we search for anything we can find about Silas. Shane said he learned about him from some book, so we hunt down that book and we don't stop until we find it or until we find something else."

Gone is the fragile Bonnie of the last two days and in her place is a courageous and determined young woman. I remember Elena displaying the exact same strength just before she died...

"What about Stefan?" Jeremy asks.

"What about him?" I question, my tone of voice defensive.

"All Jeremy's trying to say is that whatever's going on with him...he's just clearly not able to do this right now," Bonnie says.

"He'll be fine," I reply, attempting to convince them as much as myself.

"I hope you're right, because if he does anything like he did last night, I'll have to do something to deal with him."

I frown and glare at her. "He's my brother, Bonnie. You won't do anything. Like I said, he'll be fine and if he steps out of line  _I'll_  be the one to deal with him."

She holds up her hands and I hope and pray that wherever Stefan is, that he's not doing what I think he's doing. Because if he is...god help us.

* * *

** STEFAN **

I close my one eye and move my hand back and fourth, attempting to focus my impaired vision on the bullseye and then release my grip, letting the dart fly, but it bounces off the board and clatters to the floor. I throw my head back and let out a chuckle, reaching for yet another bottle. I'm not even sure what I'm drinking anymore, but it doesn't really matter as long as it's alcohol. The Grill has started to get busy with high school students meeting up with their friends to play pool and exchange the latest gossip, but I don't pay much attention to them, I'm too wrecked to care. I stagger away from the dart board and back to the bar, but trip over a stool, spilling the last of my drink.

"Ah!" I exclaim with disappointment. "Goddammit!"

"Oi, mate, watch it! You just soaked my wife."

I straighten up to look at the middle-aged, graying man, his wife at his side her cream dress practically transparent from the liquid I've spilled all over her. He takes his jacket off and wraps it about her shoulders so as to ensure her dignity remains intact and I can't help the giggle that escapes me.

"Look, Stefan," Jake, the new bartender calls over to me, "Maybe you should just go home. I think you've already had enough."

"I don't think I have," I slur. "In fact, I've just spilled the last of my drink on this lovely lady, so I need another bottle. Surprise me this time," I say slamming the empty glass bottle on the bar.

He shakes his head and replies, "I think you should leave. You're upsetting the customers."

I glance around to see various pairs of eyes on me and I let out a laugh, spread my arms and say, "That's it! All get a good look!", before turning back to Jake.

"So, come on!" I call thumping my hand onto the bar. "Where's this drink?"

Jake looks at me nervously and softly shakes his head. I thrust myself onto my tiptoes and grab the collar of his shirt, practically pulling him over the bar.

"If I want a drink, I will have a goddamn drink, you got that?" I spit in his face. "Now...get me a drink," I demand, my eyes fixed on his.

"I'll just get your drink for you," he replies, instantly falling under my spell.

"There you go," I say placing him on the floor, smoothing out his shirt and patting him on the shoulder.

He instantly hands me a bottle and I unscrew the lid, discarding it on the floor. The man and his wife that were sat at the bar get up from their seats and head for the door, and I call out, "Oh, leaving so soon?"

They continue walking without a backward glance and I speed over to them, blocking their way. They gasp in surprise, the woman holding her hand to her mouth and they both glance backwards, attempting to make sense of how I got from one side of the room to the other so quickly.

"Look, we don't want any trouble...", the man starts instantly sensing the threat that I pose. Shame he realised too late.

"Please," the woman pleads, clinging to her husbands waist, a panicked look on her face.

"But your husband was so rude to me earlier and he still hasn't apologised."

"Apologised?  _You're_  the one that spilled Bacardi all over my wife," the man states bravely.

I laugh to myself and then launch forward, sinking my fangs into his neck. He's taller than me at six foot and beefier than I would usually like, but that doesn't matter to me. His wife squeals beside him and makes a few pitiful attempts to pull me off him, before dashing out of the exit, leaving him behind. A commotion of yells and screams begin to erupt in ripples throughout the room, but I continue to feed, lost in the haze of it. The alcohol did the job in numbing me, but there is no better cure than this.

Unlike I usually would, I don't ravenously attack the arteries, desperate to consume every single ounce immediately. Instead I take my time and slowly and calmly feed, allowing myself to linger in the euphoria. The thick, hotness of it warms my throat and fills my insides, erasing any hole that Elena's loss may have created and in this moment nothing matters. Nothing at all. I feel people pushing past me as they frantically scramble to get out of the door and the man continues to struggle against me, the life draining from him slowly but surely.

Suddenly I hear a voice call my name and my senses return, my hearing becoming sharp as I retract my fangs. The man stumbles out of the door with a yell, clinging to his neck, but all I care about is locating the source of that voice. The Grill is completely empty now, the small groups of people having fled, but still I take off around the bar searching high and low for the person that called my name. It's completely empty and I throw the duke box across the room, along with a few tables and chairs, letting out a furious yell, then resume drinking. It's only minutes before I'm so intoxicated that I flop back onto the ground, no longer able to stand and of all the many, many, many times I've been drunk in my 164 years, I don't think I've ever been this drunk. In fact, I thought that vampire tolerance made it impossible to even be this drunk. Eventually I no longer even have any strength left to hold the bottle to my lips and all I can do is close my eyes and drift off.

I'm not sure how long the alcohol induced coma lasts, all I know is that I awake to someone calling my name. It starts out faint, barely a whisper and then it grows louder, pulling me back, until I find the strength to open my eyes. My vision is still blurred and I squint hard in an attempt to decipher who it is that's looking down upon me. The first thing I see is cascading blonde locks and when I focus harder, my gaze falls upon a pair of familiar eyes, dark in colour and narrow from the smile that is on her face.

"Good, you're awake. Now, get the hell up, will you?"

I prop myself up on my elbows and stare up at her, my forehead carved with a confused frown. This can't be real. It can't be.

"L-L-Lexi?"

The smile on her face grows wider. "You think you'd be sick of me saving your ass by now, but nope. Here you are again and here I am, ready to pick you back up."

"But how...? You're-you're dead."

"Ouch! Way to hurt a girls feelings."

I continue to stare, in complete awe. I know she can't be real but everything about her is vivid and  _so_  Lexi, from the black leather jacket she's wearing, to the sprightly yet authoritative tone to her voice. She even has the horizontal scar on the bridge of her nose that she got from falling up the steps to her house chasing her childhood dog, Humphrey when she was 8 years old.

"So..." she she says out-stretching her hand, "You gonna leave me hanging?"

I'm so dumbfounded that I can scarcely breathe, let alone move, so I remain lying flat on the floor and she exhales heavily, then kneels beside me. Despite trusting Lexi with my life, I instinctively shift away from her slightly, afraid of what she is or where she's come from.

"Stefan, I know how much you loved Elena, believe me..."

The mere mention of her name forces me to remember that which the alcohol and blood allowed me to forget this afternoon and I'm still not ready for it yet.

"...but you can't do this," she finishes, gesturing around us at the abandoned bar which I've completely trashed in my drunken and enraged state. "It's time to get you Lexi-fied."

"That isn't a word, Lexi," I reply, with a smile, instinctively falling into a natural rhythm with her, despite knowing that she's not even really here.

"Well, it is now," she replies, flicking her hair over her shoulder.

God, I've missed her. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed her. Elena keeps me grounded, but the familiarity of Lexi provides me with an entirely different form of strength that is so deep-rooted and absolute.

"When your asshole of a brother killed me, there was no way back for me..."

I feel the bile rise in my throat at the mere memory of Damon plunging that stake into her heart. Of all the terrible things he's done, I think that has to be at the top of the list and even now he doesn't understand how much he took from me when he killed her. Lexi wasn't just my best friend, she was my family. She was the only person that was there, that never abandoned me and she gave me back my life, when I'd lost all hope, when I'd lost myself. She showed me compassion, loyalty and support when I didn't deserve it or even want it and for that I will always love her and carry her with me.

"...but there's a way back for Elena."

"There is?" I ask, my voice childlike.

"You know there is, but there won't be if you don't get up and brush yourself down. There's always hope Stefan, you know that. You've come back from the deepest and darkest places imaginable and I've been there, I've seen it. I know you better than you know yourself and you can do this, trust me."

Her faith in me is so firm, so certain that it makes it almost impossible for me to doubt myself.

"But what if there isn't a way? I can't cling onto hope that Elena might come back, because if she doesn't... It's better to just accept that she's gone now rather than deal with the pain of that when I fail," I say hanging my head.

"Oi, Mr. Pessimist, stop talking like that," she scalds poking me forcefully in the arm. "Having hope means you take a risk. There isn't always a guarantee of a happy ending, but having any semblance of hope is better than this. Come on, Stefan, aren't you tired?"

I look down at myself, my shirt still damp with spirits and dotted with blood from the man I fed on and I sigh mournfully then reply with, "Yeah...yeah, I am."

"So then, stop. Just stop. Don't keep making these choices. The blood doesn't control you anymore. You've proven that you can fight it and you're stronger than you've ever been. So get back out there and help them bring Elena back and that's an order, okay?" she says pointing at me bossily.

I laugh lightly and reply with, "If you say so," a stray tear rolling down my cheek.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! We'll have none of that."

I'm not sure why I'm crying. Whether it's because I'm so happy or so sad, or a combination of the two or if it's simply because it's Lexi and when I'm around her my walls fall whether I want them to or not. Seeing her again has overwhelmed me with so many emotions and I can't stand the fact that in a matter of seconds, minutes or hours, she will be gone and I'll go back to a world where my best friend is dead.

"I'm sorry Damon killed you," I say full of regret as I try to fight back the sobs that are threatening to spill out of me.

She laughs lightly, the emotion catching up to her too as she replies with, "That's okay. Being dead isn't so bad. I still get to come back to help bail you out of your shit, so that's something, eh?"

I laugh lightly and she wipes the tear from her face. "Now, remember what I said. Promise me, you'll do what I said. Don't lose hope. Never lose hope. You can do this. Now, promise me," she says fixing her eyes on me and pointing at me, waiting for my response.

I nod firmly. "I promise."

She smiles, then gets to her feet and announces with a gesture of her arms, "Then my job is done!"

"Lexi, wait..." I say sitting up straight and reaching for her hand.

I'm momentarily taken aback by the fact that I can actually feel her hand against mine, strong and warm.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she replies with a proud smile and a courtesy.

She keeps her eyes on me, but starts to walk away and I keep hold of her hand for as long as I can, before she disappears out of the open door of The Grill, where the last remnants of daylight remain.

"I miss you..." I whisper under my breath, but she's already out of sight and I feel myself drifting back off to sleep when a dark outline emerges from the white light Lexi just disappeared into.

"Stefan?"

I see the blonde hair once more and my eyes fly open. "Lexi?" I exclaim, relief exploding out of me.

But this time, I see a pair of sparkling blue eyes staring down on me instead of her dark, glossy ones and the voice replies, "No, it's me. It's Caroline. Oh, my god. Are you okay? What happened?"

The hollowness of Lexi's absence returns immediately, but I'm relieved to see Caroline and I reach my hand out to her so she can help me to my feet. I'm still disoriented from the ridiculously high alcohol consumption, but also from seeing Lexi and I wobble on my feet unsteadily. Caroline keeps her arm about my waist to support me and glances around in horror.

"Did you do all of this?" she asks.

I nod. "I just...I lost control," I admit. "I let myself lose control and I-I shouldn't have. Lexi said I could do it. She said I should never lose hope."

"Lexi? What? What are you talking about?" she questions.

"I saw her, she-she helped me," I explain. "We can do this, Caroline. I can do it. I can save Elena. Lexi said."

I continue to recount everything Lexi said, tripping over my words as I do and Caroline stares at me, clearly thinking that I'm amidst some sort of mental breakdown. The truth is, I might be, but that doesn't matter. I heard Lexi loud and clear and she's right. I've been through worse, there  _is_  still hope for Elena and I  _can_  do it. I made a promise to the girl I love that I wouldn't give up until I'd brought her back and I made a promise to my best friend that I would carry on fighting, and those are promises that I don't intend to break, even if I have to spend the rest of eternity attempting to fulfill them.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two weeks since Elena died and Katherine stole the cure. The group are still dealing with the loss and desperately trying to find a way to bring her back. But differing opinions on how to do so cause cracks to form and Damon and Bonnie make an unlikely alliance whilst Stefan and Caroline's friendship grows stronger.

**STEFAN**

"Two weeks and nothing," Damon exclaims throwing a book down onto the coffee table with a thud and a loud sigh. "When are we gonna face the fact that Shane invented this book just like he invented Silas? I mean, the dude was clearly insane..."

I've been so devoted to finding something -  _anything -_ about Silas that I haven't even had time to think of anything else, none of us have. Christmas Day has been and gone, without even so much as a cracker being pulled or gift unwrapped and New Years passed us by with not even a glass of wine in celebration, although there were a few empty Bourbon and tequila bottles as a result of mine and Damon's pity party. But none of that matters, because all I'm able to focus on is getting Elena back and as soon as possible.

I would be lying if I said that I don't share Damon's reservations, because I do. With each day that passes my confidence in Silas' existence wavers, but I still can't bring myself to admit that Damon might be right because all that is keeping me from falling apart is believing that Silas is real and that he will bring Elena back.

"There has to be something. We just haven't found it yet," Bonnie replies, attempting to remain optimistic.

"Bonnie's right. Maybe we're just going about this all wrong. We need to find someone that knows more about this than us. Someone that's been around longer," I say meeting Caroline's eyes.

She frowns at me and then shakes her head. "No, no, absolutely not."

"Caroline, Klaus might know something. He's been alive for over a thousand years."

"He said he didn't know anything about Silas and the only reason he knew so much about the cure is because Rebekah dated that Hunter," Caroline replies. "What makes you think he's going to be able to help?"

"No harm in asking," Damon says.

Come to think of it, I don't know why I didn't consider going to Klaus sooner. He's still locked in his living room by the veil that Bonnie put up and at this point I think the only reason she hasn't dropped it is because we're too preoccupied to even contemplate it. None of us have seen Klaus since arriving back from the island, well, no one except Caroline. It's not a subject we discuss very often, because quite frankly it's awkward. We all know about her regular visits to see him, but we all turn the other way. I don't understand Caroline's relationship with Klaus, but I know that it extends beyond what she attempts to portray, which is why she was the only one that even considered going to the house to make sure he was feed and tell him about what happened on the island, but it's not something I ever talk to her about.

"We'll just stop by and see if he knows anything. We're not getting anything done here," I say. "I'll go with you."

Caroline tilts her head to the side and glares at me.

"I think it could be a good idea," Bonnie says. "We've got nothing else to lose. We'll stay here and keep reading..."

"Oh, fun," Damon retorts sarcastically picking up another book from the table and opening it.

"...and you two go," Bonnie finishes.

Caroline groans but gets up from her seat nonetheless and we leave to head to Klaus'. When we step through the door Klaus' voice calls out, "Ah, back so soon are we, love?"

He looks surprised to see me, but greets me with a smile and I'm surprised at how upbeat he seems considering he's been locked up for weeks and his sister is still lying in the back corner of the room with a 10 inch blade protruding out of her chest.

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure this time? I'm guessing you're not here for a drink and a chat this time."

He smirks at Caroline and winks at her playfully, and I can see the empty glasses on the table, remnants of whiskey still lying at the bottom of one of them. I turn to look at her with a puzzled frown on my face. I know she visits him, but they seem so friendly and familiar,  _too_  familiar and it sets my teeth on edge. Caroline's my best friend and I can't stand to see her put herself in a position to get hurt, and that's exactly what she's doing. I know her relationship with Tyler is under strain due to his absence and his devotion to his pack and that that along with Elena's death means she's in a bad place right now, but I'm concerned that her pain has temporarily clouded her judgement and made her vulnerable to Klaus' advances.

Her eyes shift in her head and she stammers awkwardly, sensing that I'm uncomfortable, then recomposes herself and says, "We're here about Silas."

"We've been searching high and low for something that can tell us where he is, but we've found nothing. We can't even find a book that confirms his existence," I explain.

He sighs and replies with, "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Over a thousand years and I've never heard even a whisper of that name, and trust me when I say there's very little in this world that gets by me unseen."

I groan and throw my hands to my head, then turn my back to Klaus and whisper to Caroline, "You were right, this was a waste of time."

"Just because I haven't heard of Silas, doesn't mean I can't help you find out if he is real or not," Klaus says.

"And how are you going to do that?" Caroline questions.

He shrugs arrogantly and replies with, "I could pool my contacts. When you've lived for a thousand years you acquire a lot of people that owe you favours."

Caroline scoffs. "Typical."

"Fine, love. If you don't want my help..."

"What's the catch?" I ask, knowing him well enough to know that he wouldn't make this offer out of the kindness of his heart.

"You know what the catch is," he says meeting my eyes.

I shake my head. "Not gonna happen, Klaus. We've got other things to be focusing on right now and we can't-"

Suddenly he runs at the veil with a growl and screams, "Me being in here is what has caused all of this! Shane exploited you, which is something that never would've happened if I was still around and now the lovely Elena is dead, all because  _you_  refused to let me out of here when I asked! Don't make that same mistake again, Stefan, because I warn you, soon enough I will be fresh out of forgiveness." The devilish scowl on his face subsides slightly and his voice softens as he gestures his hand and adds, "But if you let me out now, I may just be able to overlook your betrayal and all of the things that have occurred since I've been locked in this godforsaken room in order to help you give Elena her life back."

"How can we trust that you'll still help us once you're free?"

"For the same reason that I helped you with the cure and Shane in the first place; I want Elena alive and human so that I can create more hybrids."

"But there's just one problem with that scenario; we don't have the cure, Katherine does," Caroline states.

He tuts, shakes his head then states, "Caroline, love, I hunted Katerina for over 400 years, I know her every move, her secrets, the places she hides, the people she trusts, how her mind works. Believe me when I say, I will find her and in turn, the cure."

I step right up to him and meet his gaze intensely, squaring my shoulders to him. "If we do this, if we let you go, you give me your word that when Elena is human you won't hurt her. We'll give you her blood, but in small doses. You won't drain her and you won't kill her."

His brows lower over his eyes, but he nods firmly and replies with, "You have my word. Besides, the deal Caroline and I made guaranteed the safety of those she cares for including Elena."

I peer over at Caroline, curiosity about the deal she and he made eating at me all of a sudden. Until now I've been willing to ignore it, because at the time all I cared about was the fact that the deal she made gave us what we wanted - the map - but now I realise that any deal he made with her would merely be him exploiting her and I can't stand by and let that happen. I won't.

"Whatever deal you and Caroline had, forget it," I state. Caroline gasps lightly and looks at me wide eyed and I give her a reaffirming nod to reassure her that I know what I'm doing.

"I'm afraid you don't have the power to decide that," Klaus responds.

"Oh, but I do. Whatever deal you made with Caroline obviously doesn't involve her letting you out of here, because if it did you would be gone already. I'm offering you an out and that is more important to you than anything."

Klaus' eyes drop to the floor and he sulks for a moment, before a sly grin comes across his face. "You run quite the bargain, don't you, Ripper?"

"So, do we have an understanding? I keep to my side of the deal if you let go of whatever you and Caroline agreed."

I still don't know what their deal consisted of, but due to the fact that Caroline isn't protesting against me and is staring on at me in bewildered gratitude, I'm assuming she's glad to be out of it.

"We have a deal."

I nod, then turn to Caroline and say, "Now all we have to do is go back and tell Bonnie to undo the spell. Come on, let's go."

We head for the door and Klaus calls after us sarcastically, "Thanks for stopping by, please do come by again soon."

We continue forward without looking back, but he calls our names and adds, "Don't forget the deals you've made today, because I can assure you, if there's one thing I cannot forgive it is a person who does not keep to their word."

When we get outside Caroline calls my name softly, then inhales deeply and says, "Thank you, Stefan."

"What for?" I ask.

"You know what for," she replies locking her eyes on mine."Still looking out for me, huh?" she says with a warm smile.

I return her smile with sincerity, then poke her in his ribs and say, "Come on, we better get back to the house."

As we climb into the car, Caroline says, "I just hope we can convince Bonnie to undo the spell."

"This is about Elena. Something tells me it won't take much convincing," I reply confidently.

* * *

**BONNIE**

This is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for for two weeks. Damon and I are finally alone; Caroline and Stefan are at Klaus' and Jeremy's still asleep, his body unable to fight the earth shattering exhaustion of being awake for 14 nights straight. Damon is lying on the couch, a book open on his chest and I take a deep breath in before calling his name. It's now or never...

"What is it?" he asks from behind the book.

"Can you put the book down for a second? I'm trying to actually tell you something," I snap impatiently.

"Someone's cranky today," he replies lying the book flat.

"I'm serious, Damon."

The tone of my voice causes him to sit up and he locks his nervous gaze on me. I place the book in my hand on the coffee table and take one final breath as I admit, "I don't think Silas is real."

"What happened to optimism? To doing whatever it took to save Elena?" he bites.

"I'm still going to do whatever it takes to save Elena, but this," I gesture at the thousands of books and papers that surround us, "is a waste of time. Whatever Shane read about him, it's not in any of these books and the chances are that he's hid it or destroyed it. And even if we do find something, how long will it take to find where Silas is? What if he exists but he doesn't have the ability to do what we need him to do?"

"Get to the point." he says impatiently.

"We need to use something more reliable."

"Which is?"

"Me."

He shifts in his seat, swinging his legs round onto the floor and staring at me intently.

"My magic is strong, Damon and I've been doing some reading. I think I've found a spell to bring Elena back. I don't trust anyone else to do this, if I'm going to bring her back I'm going to do it myself. I'm the reason she's dead and I'm going to fix it."

He frowns slightly and asks, "And why are you telling  _me_  this?"

"Because the spell is powerful. _Really_  powerful and I'm gonna need help to do it. This kind of magic...messing with life and death, it's dark, Damon and the last time I tried something like this when Elena was in transition, my Grams and I were punished for messing with the balance of nature. I won't do that again, I'll do it right this time, by keeping the balance."

"How do you even do that? Keep the balance?" he asks almost in a mocking tone.

I sigh deeply, meet his eyes and after a few moments I can see that he understands, because his mouth parts and his eyes widen.

"Now you know why I came to you," I tell him. "The others...they wouldn't let me do this, but I can do it, Damon. I can bring my best friend back, but I need you on my side and I need you to not tell anyone else about this, not even Stefan."

His eyes are narrow and locked on me, his mouth straight and at times like these it strikes me odd that someone that usually wears his sarcastic humor as armor, can also be so serious and troubled. I can feel the intensity radiating off him as he attempts to swallow the news I've just given him.

"So are you with me?" I prompt.

He continues to stare ahead for a few moments, then nods and says, "I'm with you."

And just like that Damon Salvatore and I are united by the only thing we have in common; our unconditional love for Elena.

* * *

** STEFAN **

Since Caroline found me in The Grill two weeks ago delirious from alcohol and blood and mumbling Lexi's name, I've been seeking her out more and more. She reminds me so much of Lexi and not just because she has the same shade of blonde hair or kind smile, but because she also has same optimism, kindness and loyalty. Qualities which make her the perfect friend. I hadn't realised until the moment that I saw Lexi's eyes looking down on me, but I really need that. I need a friend, someone that to be the voice of reason and to look out for me during those times when all sense of logic fails me. I have Damon, but it's not the same because he's my brother.

Somehow Elena's death has brought Caroline and I closer together, but even though I consider her my best friend, there is a distance between us that didn't exist with Lexi and I. On the surface Caroline appears so open, as though she would share her entire life story with the first stranger that gives her a smile at a bus stop, but there are things about her I don't know, parts of herself that she keeps concealed.

"What did Klaus mean?" I ask, breaking the silence between us and giving into curiosity.

"What do you mean?" she questions, keeping her eyes on the road and pretending to be naive to the question I'm asking.

I say her name and tilt my head to the side, letting her know that in this instance I can see straight through her and say, "I helped you out back there, all I wanna know is what's going on with you two."

She sighs, her grip tightening on the steering wheel then starts, "You know, I've been going to visit him..."

"Yeah, I'd say a lot judging by the way he was with you back there," I reply, attempting to keep a calm tone so as not to alert her to my bitter disapproval. She's my friend and she deserves to be able to express herself freely without judgement.

She nods and admits, "I've been going almost everyday."

"Everyday?" I exclaim in shock. "But why?" I ask unable to refrain from showing a least a tiny bit of disapproval. Because come on, it's  _Klaus_.

"I dunno...I guess...with Tyler gone and now all of this with Elena, I've been feeling...I don't know what I've been feeling. But when I go to see him, it's a distraction and I...need it."

I understand...I think. Death is the loneliest thing in the world. Even though I'm surrounded by people that share in the pain and loss of Elena, I've never felt more alone in my entire life and nothing helps. Not booze, not even blood. So if Caroline has found someone that temporarily eases that for her, who am I to judge, even if it is Klaus?

"So Tyler's not coming back?"

She shakes her head and sniffles lightly. "I dunno...I really just don't know. Everything is so complicated right now. You think I'm a terrible person, don't you? Because I am, I know I am. I'm a terrible person."

"Caroline," I say lightly. "You're not a bad person. You're trying to deal with everything that's happened and to be honest, you're doing a lot better than me. Or have you forgotten the state you found me in at The Grill? Just...be careful with him. I know he's behind a veil, but he's manipulative and he knows exactly how to get what he wants. I don't want him to take advantage of you."

"He won't. He can't, not now you've ended that deal. And besides, I'm not  _that_  stupid. I can handle him."

I believe her, because I've seen it myself; the way she stands up to him, questions him, refuses him. She  _can_  handle him, but that doesn't stop me worrying about her.

"Thanks, Stefan."

"What for this time?" I ask with an amused grin.

"For not judging me or at least trying your hardest not to. I just-lately it feels like I've got no one I can talk to. Tyler's never around, Elena's gone, Bonnie's working so hard to find something and you're dealing with everything, and it's not like I can talk to Damon," she says with a scoff. "I don't...I don't wanna burden anyone."

"Caroline, you wouldn't be burdening us. You lost Elena, too and I know how much she means to you. You don't have to keep your mouth shut because you're afraid of how I might react. You've been there for me in the past and I'm there for you."

She briefly swings her head to give me a small smile of gratitude and I hear her sniffle more as she dabs her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.

When we get back to Elena's, Bonnie and Damon have moved from the couches to the kitchen table and their lack of reaction when we walk through the door tells me that they haven't found anything new.

"How'd it go?" Bonnie asks, looking up from the laptop that's on the table in front of her.

"Um...good," I reply, nodding to Caroline to encourage her to explain.

"Actually, Klaus offered to help us find Silas and to get the cure back from Katherine."

Damon's head shoots up, his curiosity having been piqued.

"But, there's a catch..."

"Of course there is," Damon comments with a roll of his eyes. "So what does the hybrid king want this time?"

"He wants Bonnie to drop the veil."

Bonnie and Damon exchange an anxious look across the table, then Damon shakes his head. "Absolutely not."

"What? What are you talking about?" I ask, stepping forward, placing my hands flat on the table and leaning down near him. "This is the best lead we've had since we got back. In fact, it's the  _only_  lead we've had."

"There's a reason Klaus is still behind that veil and that's because we all," he gestures around the room at the four of us, "agreed that he can't be trusted."

"That was before Elena died!" I exclaim in a fit of frustration. They all stare at me wide eyed and I breath in deeply, then say, "I'm sorry, but I just think that we're not in any position to refuse his offer. He knows people, other vampires, witches, they could know something about Silas or how to find him. And what he said about Katherine-"

"What about her?" Damon questions.

"He said after 400 years of chasing her, he knows everything there is to know about her."

"Well, so do we," Damon comments.

"Really, Damon? Because she fooled us into thinking she was dead for over a hundred years."

He sighs. "So what's your point?"

"My point is we should do this."

"I agree with Stefan," Caroline says coming up beside me. "We've worked with Klaus before, this isn't any different. He wants Elena alive and human, and as much as we might hate to admit it, he's more capable of making that happen than we are."

"Well, I still say we can't trust him and that we carry on looking for Silas ourselves," Damon states with a shrug.

I feel my patience wearing thin. Why is he being so goddamn stubborn? This was supposed to be good news.

"And Katherine? What about her? Are you going to hunt her down and get the cure from her at the same time as trying to find Silas?" I challenge.

"You're forgetting that I'm not the only one involved in this. We can do some old fashioned tag teaming, just like we did today."

"So you're suggesting we split up? Even all of us together would struggle to take down Katherine."

"She's not  _that_  good," Damon retorts.

"Really? Because apart from Klaus I don't think I know anyone more manipulative," I argue.

Damon's eyes narrow and then he gets up from his seat and walks towards me. "Okay, so say we let Klaus go and the first thing he does is kill us all for betraying him, for killing his brother, keeping him locked up and letting his precious doppelganger get killed, what then? Huh? Who will be left to save Elena if we're all dead? Answer me that."

I bring my shoulders back, grind my jaw and stare him right in the eyes, feeling the hot lava that's flowing through me.

"Bon, back me up here," he adds gesturing to Bonnie who is still perched at the table, a worried expression on her face.

She clears her throat and then gets up and comes behind Damon, peering over his shoulder at me.

"Damon's right. We can't risk letting Klaus go."

"Bonnie, are you serious?" Caroline's shocked that her best friend would not only back Damon, but that she would so willingly discard a sound plan that could successfully bring Elena back. Then again, I'm surprised that Damon would too, since he's even more ruthless than I and would go to any lengths for Elena.

"I'm sorry, Caroline, but I don't think it's the right call. We still have time to find Silas and if we don't, maybe then we can consider letting him go, but right now, I won't drop the spell. I just can't do it, I'm sorry."

Caroline and I stand side by side staring on at Bonnie and Damon in surprise, and I can only stand to look at Damon's face for a few moments more before I storm out of the house, Caroline close behind.

* * *

**DAMON**

Stefan slams the door shut violently behind him causing the entire house to shake and Bonnie sighs deeply.

"Thanks for not saying anything."

It was weird enough that she hugged me at the caves, but this is taking it to a whole other level. The two of us on the same side, backing each other's corners, keeping each others secrets, exchanging words of gratitude. What's next? A romantic kiss?

"I've never seen Caroline look at me like that before," she comments.

"Like what?"

"Like she doesn't know who I am anymore."

"We both just turned down a completely legitimate way to save Elena. They're pissed and wondering what the hell we're thinking. If I was them, I'd have reacted in the same way."

"You don't think they're gonna figure it out? Because if they do this will never work."

"They won't figure it out," I reassure her. "Anyway, what's the plan with that? Like how and-?"

"It needs to happen on a full moon."

"What is it with witches and full moons?" I comment under my breath.

"Besides that all I need is Elena's body, candles and the grimoire with the spell."

I can sense how nervous she is by her erratic pulse and the way she's struggling to breathe, and I almost want to tell her that she doesn't have to go through with it, but I can't, because it's not true. Bonnie came to me with this because she knew I would be the only one that would allow her to die for Elena and despite the unsettling amount of guilt in the pit of my stomach that I didn't expect to feel, it doesn't change the fact that Elena is the most important thing in the world to me and her life is worth more than Bonnie's.

"So when's the next full moon?" I ask.

She swallows and then responds with, "Tomorrow night."

I gulp loudly, the anxiety instantly filling me up. Part of me is bursting with excitement knowing that in just 24 hours I will be able to see Elena's smile again, but mostly I'm nervous about what could go wrong and strangely sympathetic towards Bonnie, who is fully aware of her impending death. She sits down at the table, twiddling her thumbs and breathing deeply and it's times like these that I realise how vulnerable Elena and her friends are. In physical appearance we may look close in age, but I have over 100 years on them. Even after all that time I still fight for survival and dread the day that I die, so what must it feel like for them who are still teenagers and haven't even begun to live? They're only children and putting aside any personal feelings or disagreements I may have had with Bonnie in the past, she doesn't deserve to die. But Elena didn't deserve to die either. Not the first time and not the second time. I guess the world is just a cruel bitch.

"We're doing it here?" I ask breaking the silence.

"No, if we do it here there's more chance of someone barging in and stopping the spell. We need to go somewhere else."

"My house?"

She shakes her head. "Someone could find us there too. I was thinking Tyler's. He's out of town and Matt's...gone too."

"Is he? Well, it's about time."

"Damon," she says shooting me a disapproving look.

"What? All he does is mope and complain."

"It's hard to guess why with you around."

"Rude," I retort.

For a moment I'm sure I can see a hint of an amused grin on her face, but it immediately passes and she says, "We need this to work, Damon."

"I know and it will." I reassure her. "We just have to get through the next today and tomorrow."

She nods and bites her lip, then adds, "When everyone finds out what we did, what you did, they're gonna be furious. Elena will hate you, are you sure you can handle that?"

I inhale deeply, then shift forward on the couch and meet her gaze. "If it means she's alive, yeah, I can handle it."

And it's true. Whatever the consequences of doing this - of sacrificing Elena's best friend to save her - I'll face them, because that's how much I love her.

* * *

**STEFAN**

"Can you believe that?" Caroline exclaims as we cross the threshold to the Boarding House. "I mean, I'd expect that from Damon, because he's well, Damon," she shudders with disgust at his name. "But Bonnie? I thought I knew her, but..." she trails off with a shake of her head. "I know Klaus is a dick, but I never thought that Bonnie would say no to anything that could help with Elena."

"Drink?" I offer, grabbing two glasses and pouring her one before she has chance to respond.

"I just don't understand, Stefan," she continues taking the glass from my outstretched hand.

The truth is, I don't understand either. Caroline thought she knew Bonnie and I thought I knew Damon, but I clearly don't, because him doing this is completely out of character. When it comes to Elena he's ruthless and he's done worse things than working with Klaus in the past to protect her, so why is this time any different? Caroline searches my face, eager to know my thoughts and after I've downed half a glass of Bourbon in one I slam the glass down and sigh deeply then say, "We should find another way to drop the veil, another witch. Klaus said he had contacts."

Caroline shakes her head. "Only the witch that cast the spell can undo it."

I scoff. "How convenient," I comment sarcastically, putting my hand to my head.

"So what do we do?" she asks.

I shrug and flop down onto the couch. "I dunno...I guess we just keep doing what we were doing, we look for Silas. That was the plan anyway."

"Yeah, but it's been two weeks and we've found nothing."

She paces up and down irritably and it's so rare to see Caroline so restless and agitated, but I know why she's like it because it's for the same reason as me; neither of us believe Silas exists.

"Because there's nothing to find," I reply, admitting the truth aloud that all of us have thought but not dared to speak.

Caroline swings to face me her eyes wide, shocked that I've finally said it, then her face softens and she says, "Why don't they see that?"

I shrug. "Maybe they don't want to."

"But none of this helps bring Elena back and that's the whole point."

Usually there is nothing more comforting than knowing someone is on your side, that they believe the same as you, but on this one rare occasion I actually wish Caroline disagreed with me. I want her to tell me that I'm being pessimistic and that there's still every hope that Silas exists, because if he doesn't I'll have lost everything, not just temporarily but forever.

"So what do we do?" she asks again, desperate for me to give her the answers I don't have. "How long do we-?"

Suddenly a fit of rage explodes within me and I launch the tumbler of Bourbon across the room, smashing it off the wall, as I scream, "I don't know, Caroline!"

She immediately falls silent, her eyes drop to the floor, and I feel guilty for snapping at her, because she doesn't deserve it. I can feel myself unraveling, everything I've kept bottled up these last two weeks threatening to over spill once again.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I shouldn't have...I know how hard this is for you."

I know she's trying to be considerate, but I'm so sick of that; of people assuming I deserve special treatment, that I'm hurting more than them, because it diminishes everyone else's grief and as much as I would like to make it all about me, it's not fair. I love Elena more than anything, but so does Caroline and Bonnie and Jeremy and even as much as it pains me to admit, so does Damon and we're all suffering.

"Don't...just don't say that," I reply holding up my hand to her.

She inhales in deeply and I can sense how uncertain she feels, as though one more wrong word could cause me to fall apart completely. The sound of a car engine purrs outside the window then and the front door opens a few moments later, and I bite the inside of my mouth, unwilling to participate in the conversation that I know is about to take place.

"Barbie, get out of here," Damon instructs Caroline. "I need to talk to my brother."

Caroline turns to look at him over her shoulder, scowls at him under her breath then looks to me and asks, "Are you gonna be okay?"

I nod and she makes eye contact with me for a lingering moment then turns to leave, pushing past Damon on her way out.

"Look, Damon, I really don't wanna speak to you right now," I start, the second the door has closed behind Caroline.

"Well tough luck, because you're gonna listen."

I exhale with frustration, get up from the couch to turn my back on him and he walks towards me.

"I'm just doing what I think is best."

"Oh, is that what you're doing?" I retort sarcastically.

"I know what Klaus said, but when have you ever trusted him? He has screwed us over  _repeatedly_ , do you really want to take that risk with Elena's life?"

"What risk, Damon?" I explode turning to him with an aggressive gesture of my arms. "Elena's already dead. There's nothing left to lose."

"So what happens if Klaus turns around and stakes us all? Have you thought about that, huh?" he challenges, that seeming to be his only valid argument. "Who would be left to save Elena then? Answer me that, Stefan."

"What is this really about, Damon? Because it's not about Klaus. I know you, Damon and I know you would do  _anything_ to bring Elena back. So what's really going on here?"

He frowns and stammers incoherently.

"This has been our plan all along; find Silas get him to bring Elena back. What's changed? Just because Klaus makes some loose promise to help us, you wanna completely give up on that?"

"Yes!" I exclaim. "Because personally, I don't think there is any Silas and I don't think you do either. You've been skeptical from the start, but now you suddenly believe? Why?"

"Because I have to, Stefan," he spits. "What else is there?"

"There's Klaus," I respond stepping closer to him.

"You're so mad at me for disagreeing with you on this, but have you ever stopped to think that this is  _Bonnie's_  choice? She's the only one that can undo the spell, not me, and she decided she doesn't want to. That's nothing to do with me, so why the hell are you so mad?"

"Because you of all people should have my back!" I yell, the volume of my voice bouncing off the walls.

"We want the same thing, Stefan. We all want Elena back, does it matter how it's done?"

I meet his eyes, my chest rising and falling through the anger that's causing my body to shake and I see the sincerity in them. Even though I don't understand why he's so against Klaus helping us, he has the same end goal and that's all that matters, isn't it?

"Maybe you're right," I say through shallow breaths. "Either way it doesn't matter what I think. I have no choice but to go along with the plan to find Silas, even if I don't believe any of it, even if it takes months or years to uncover the truth, even if it means Elena being gone for decades. I guess I just have to deal with it, right? And the cure, too. If Katherine uses it and does something stupid, I guess we'll just have to deal with that too, right?"

I meet his intense gaze and he lifts his head to look down on me. "I told you, we'll find Katherine ourselves and get the cure back. Just...have faith."

I scoff. "Since when did you become the optimist?"

"Trust me, I'm cringing just at the thought of it, but only one of us can afford to fall apart at once, brother."

"I'm not falling apart," I retort.

He steps closer to me and reaches out, placing his hand on my shoulder. "Listen, Stef, this whole thing...it's messing with my head and I know it's messing with yours, but you just have to trust me, okay? We  _will_  get Elena back."

He sounds so self-assured, so certain and although Damon rarely seems to assume the protective big brother role, the look in his eyes says, "It's gonna be alright, brother. I'll make it all alright" and for some reason I believe it, and my complete lack of faith and overbearing pessimism seems to momentarily fade.

* * *

The cool winter air is crisp and sharp, causing a white mist to emerge from my mouth with each exhalation I make and the smell of the earth is being carried on the gentle breeze, wafting around me and filling my nostrils. The sky is a dark rich blue canvas, silvery light filtering down from the almost-full moon and I tilt my head up to it, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply, my mind as free from thought as the sky is of clouds. For once the world is completely silent, almost eerily so, but I hardly notice. All I know is that in this moment I am completely unburdened and at peace.

A gust of wind blows more forcefully, taking my breath away slightly and then it comes around again, whispering my name as it swirls around me. My eyes fly open, my body reacting to the sound of my name. I scan the area around me, there are a few lights on in the Boarding House, Damon's car sits on the gravel drive and there are shadows of swaying branches, but nothing else. I keep my eyes open and strain my ears to hear for it again, but the wind has calmed again now, so I let my body relax and assume it was merely my imagination, until it comes back again, this time louder and more firm. I recognise that voice...

"Stefan..."

"Elena?" I whisper through the lump in my throat.

That's when I see a dark outline across the grounds, amidst the trees which causes my heart to stop dead in my chest and the tranquility at my center to crash and burn. She's at least 20 feet away, but she takes a couple of steps forward and the moonlight shines on one side of her face. I feel that my heart has been struck by lightning and my body jerks forward instinctively towards her.

"Stefan..."

Her voice is soft and yielding, yet I recognise a sense the urgency and terror in it, that scares me.

My legs move rapidly and in a second I am in the trees where she was stood only moments ago, except that she's gone. I twist around on the spot frantically searching for her and calling out her name, then see her reappear. I move forward again but this time my vampire speed doesn't take affect and despite the burning of my muscles from the sheer strength I am using to propel myself forward, it feels as though I'm plodding along at a snails pace, whilst all the while she grows further away. Occasionally she peers over her shoulder to me, whispering my name and each time I hear it, it feels like a dagger to the gut and causes the desperation to reach her to swell.

"Elena! Elena!" I yell, but still she doesn't stop or turn. "Elena! ELENA! ELENA! ELENAAAA!" I scream so hard that my throat burns, growing louder and more wild with each time I call her name.

She stops abruptly on the spot, then turns back on her heel and races towards me, paralyising me on the spot. I extend my arms out to her ready to enfold her in my embrace, but she stops a mere few feet away and locks her eyes on mine. Even under the cover of the trees, with only flecks of moonlight managing to break through, I can still see her face so clearly. It looks just the same as it did and I've missed her so much that the physical pain of it is so crippling that my knees actually go weak beneath me and I struggle to breath through the weight on my chest. Seeing my struggle she reaches her hand out to me and I do the same, but just as her fingertips are in reach of mine she tilts her head to the side, a serious and solemn expression on her face.

"Stefan, I'm running out of time."

"No..." I choke out, my voice weak.

"I don't have long left," she states matter-of-factly.

I shake my head, shut my eyes tight, unable to withstand what she's saying, and when I open them again I can see that her own eyes are glistening with tears, her face contorted with fear.

"Please, Stefan..." she pleads, her voice like a child, "...help me."

I can no longer contain the sobs and they burst out of me like a nuclear bomb, the impact of them causing my entire body to shake uncontrollably beneath me. Too afraid to take my eyes off her for even a moment, I keep them fixated on her, but she starts to step backwards and I manage to get back to my feet shakily.

"No!" I yell through tears. "You can't go. You can't! No!"

But then I realise she isn't walking away or leaving me, she's fading into the night.

"I promise, Elena, I'll find a way! Whatever it takes! I promise! I won't give up! I'll never give up! I love you, Elena! I love you!" I yell frantically, desperate to make sure she knows the extent I will go to to ensure she gets her life back and how much I love her.

"I love y-"

And just like that she's gone. Disappeared completely from my vision, from the world, from  _me_.

"No, no, no, no," I cry, my hand still extended out to where she was just stood. I collapse to the ground in a ball, my knees at my stomach as I fight for breath through the agonising, inhuman wails that screech out of me and fill the space around me.

How many more times can I do this? How many more times can I lose her before it destroys me beyond repair? Before I cease to exist just like her? The answer to that question is none, because this time it isn't just enough to feed or drown my sorrows or flip the switch, the only thing that can relieve this is death or finding a way to bring her back to me...

* * *

** DAMON **

I'm ripped from a deep sleep by the sounds of Stefan's whimpers and screams and when I open my eyes I see that he is no longer sleeping on the couch across from me. I instantly jump up from my seat and dash outside to the source of the sounds to see a dark round lump in the center of the grounds outside. I'm beside it in a second and can see that it's Stefan curled up in a ball, flailing and twitching in his sleep. He's crying out in pain and murmuring Elena's name. This isn't the first time I've been awoken by him shouting out her name in these last two weeks, but it is the first time that I've seen this. How did he even get out here?

I stoop down to the ground and gently nudge him, calling his name to bring him to. It takes a few attempts, but when he does finally open his eyes, his entire body spasms and his eyes are wide in his head, his eyeballs flailing around wildly, his entire face glistening with sweat and tears.

"Stef, hey, it's me. It's Damon," I reassure him.

He's lying on his back now, staring up at the sky and he says quietly, "She's gone. We're too late."

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw her. Elena. She said that we were running out of time and I saw her. She just...she disappeared. I couldn't save her, I couldn't save her," he mumbles, shaking his head and closing his eyes, more tears streaming down his face.

"Stef, it was just a dream. You must've been sleep walking."

He sits up, shifts his eyes to me and I can see the ghost of Elena reflected in his eyes. It shakes my to my very core and sends shivers throughout my body.

"I've tried, Damon," he starts his head in his hands, seeming more aware of me. "I've tried to be strong, to keep faith in this whole plan to get Elena back. I let myself slip once already and the only reason I was able to pick myself back up was because I convinced myself that this was temporary and we'd fix it."

"And we will."

"How?!" he exclaims, his voice echoing around us. "You and I both know this whole thing is going to fail. There's  _nothing._ Nothing about Silas, about where to find him or if he's even real and I can't... I can't keep doing this. I just feel so scared  _all_  the time, so alone," he admits, his voice trembling. "I don't know what to do anymore, Damon."

I've known for these last two weeks that my brother has been keeping everything locked inside, but I didn't expect to see this. He's so completely and utterly  _broken_. Even more broken than me.

He sighs deeply then presses his hand to his mouth.

"I loved her." Speaking of his feelings for her triggers the sobs as his emotions come spilling out of him, drowning him and me in the process. "I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and without her, there's just...there's nothing left, Damon. It's all gone," he exclaims throwing his hands up into the air. "Nothing matters, nothing is important, nothing-nothing makes sense anymore!" he yells angrily punching the ground with his fist. The anger instantly gives way to more cries as he says, "I just want her back, I want her back, I want her back..." before falling forward into my arms.

I cling to him tight, his head pressed against my chest as he dithers and weeps like a baby. Losing Elena is the most painful thing I've ever lived through, it's broken my heart, but if it's possible seeing my brother so completely destroyed is even more heart breaking and knowing that I can put a stop to it... I can't just ignore that. I can't stand by and watch him suffer like this, to lose himself  _again_. The only reason I'm still in one piece and able to hold it together through this is because I know that in less than 24 hours Elena's heart will be beating again.

"I miss her, I miss her," Stefan sobs over and over again almost incoherently, against me.

The mere sound of his voice and his tormented and shrill howls, causes me to instantly break down and I cannot control the river of tears that falls upon his head. I made a promise to Bonnie and to myself; a promise that I would keep her secret at all costs in order to ensure that Bonnie successfully completes her spell, but I'm suffocating on the sheer power of grief and despair at her loss, which has torn our world apart and all I know is that it has to stop. It has to stop and  _I_  have to stop it.

I reach for Stefan's head and pull his face up to look at me. I can barely see his face through the blur of tears still in my eyes, but I hold either side of his face and say, "There's a way, Stefan. There's a way to bring her back."

I know he's heard my words because the cries instantly stop and when I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, his mouth is parted in disbelief and he's staring up at me, in horror and confusion through his bleary eyes, anxiously awaiting an explanation.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan and the others learn of Bonnie's plan to sacrifice herself for Elena which creates more tension and gets emotions running high. The group desperately fight to convince Bonnie to change her mind, but when it comes to her best friend's life, there is no limit on the price she is willing to pay to bring Elena back.

**STEFAN**

I hear his words loud and clear and they strike me like a fork of lightning, instantly putting an end to my sobs and rendering me silent. I look at his face and he pulls his gaze away from mine and mutters under his breath, as though he's said something he shouldn't have.

"What-? What do you mean?" I ask, my voice still thick with emotion.

He gets to his feet and slaps his hand to his head as he begins to pace up and down.

"Hey!" I yell pulling myself up. I grab his arms and lock my eyes on him and ask firmly, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs me off and says, "What do you think it means? It means we'll find Silas and everything will be fine. You're upset, I'm trying to give you hope. Shame on me for actually trying to help."

I shake my head. "No, no, no. You didn't mean that, you meant something else. Did you find something? A way to save Elena?"

He stammers and I impatiently shout, "Damon, if you found something, tell me! I need to know!"

He finally stops pacing, then tilts his head to the side and lets out a huge sigh of regret, before closing his eyes and saying, "It's Bonnie."

"Bonnie? What about Bonnie?"

"She found something. A spell."

I frown at him in confusion. My head is spinning, the vision of Elena still at the forefront of my mind and it's taking every ounce of strength I have left not to come undone.

"A spell? But how-? What kind of spell?" I ask, burning for answers.

"A resurrection spell."

I press my hands to my temples and shake my head. "But that...that's not possible. If she found something why didn't she say sooner? And why would she tell you?"

"It may escape your attention, brother, but I'm a charming guy and Bonnie Bennett is not an exception to my charm."

"Enough with the jokes," I snap irritably. "Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't  _you_  say anything?"

It's my turn to pace and I take long and frantic strides across the grass as I mumble to myself, attempting to make sense of why.

"Stefan, just-just calm down, okay? Let's go back inside, have a drink and we'll talk."

Suddenly, it hits me and I know why. I come to a halt, swing to face Damon and I see him swallow nervously as I approach him.

"Last time Bonnie attempted a resurrection spell, it was when Elena was in transition. I was there with Elena in the cell when it was happening, but it didn't work."

I can see Damon biting his lip and I already know with certainty that I'm right.

"And do you know why it didn't work?" I ask, getting closer to his face. "Because the spirits wouldn't let her, because it would've interfered with the cosmic balance. You see, the way death works is very simple; a life for a life. So the question is, whose life have you decided to exchange for Elena's?"

His eyes fall to the ground and I scream, "Tell me now!"

"You don't need me to tell you," he replies quietly.

I shake my head and step away from him in disbelief.

"That's why she told you. She knew you were the only one selfish and cruel enough to let her die for Elena."

I take off towards the house and Damon is quick on my heel. "Where are you going? What are you gonna do?"

"I won't let it happen, Damon. I won't let her die," I respond, marching through the door of the Boarding House.

"Whoa, whoa!" he calls out pulling my shoulder so that I turn to face him. "A second ago you were on your knees, broken and desperate for a way to bring her back and now that I'm telling you that there's a way, you're just saying no? You're actively gonna stop it?"

"Yeah, I am, because it's  _Bonnie_."

"Yeah and it's  _Elena."_ His eyes are burning intensely and I can see the same desperation in his eyes to have her back that I hold deep within me, and for just a second I waver, before holding up my hand and replying with, "No, it's wrong!"

I head into the living room and grab my phone which is still on the coffee table and send out a group text to Bonnie, Jeremy and Caroline telling them to get to the house ASAP, not caring that it's the middle of the night and they're probably fast asleep.

"What are you doing?" Damon scalds peering over my shoulder at the text I've just sent.

"I'm putting a stop to this now."

* * *

** BONNIE **

The relentless pinging tone of my phone causes me to stir and I groggily extend my arm to reach for my phone from the nightstand, Jeremy's arm still draped across me. He moans and rolls over, and I squint my eyes at the bright white light from my phone that feels as though it's the sun itself. I see Stefan's name and the preview of the text that reads: "911", and I immediately bolt upright causing Jeremy to gasp.

"What? Bonnie, what is it?" he asks me panicked.

"Stefan texted. He says there's a 911 and we need to get to the Boarding House ASAP."

Jeremy frowns at me then grabs for his phone, unlocks it then looks back up to me and says, "Got the same text."

"We better go," I say hastily, throwing the covers off and grabbing for my clothes off the floor.

Jeremy begins dressing too, but is unable to hide his anxiety and confusion as he asks, "What could he want at 4am? What do you think's happened? Do you think it's to do with Elena?"

"Jeremy, I don't know!" I explode irritably. "We just need to get there and then we'll find out."

It's less than 5 minutes before we're both dressed in mismatched outfits, our eyes still sleepy and our hair tousled and as we get into the car Caroline calls me asking if I got the 911 text from Stefan, before telling me she'll see us there.

As we pull onto the drive, Caroline turns in behind us and the three of us head inside to find Stefan and Damon anxiously awaiting us in the living room. Stefan is pacing up and down in front of the fireplace, whilst Damon is sat on the couch, his nose so far in the glass of Bourbon in his hand that I'm surprised he hasn't drowned in it.

"Stefan, what is it? What's the big emergency?" Caroline asks breathless.

Damon lifts his head and looks to me, his eyes are wide and I can tell that he's attempting to silently communicate with me across the room, but I don't know what he's trying to say. Stefan continues pacing and Jeremy explodes, "For godsakes! Why did you bring us out here at 4am? Could you just tell us?"

Finally Stefan stops and turns to face us, his face intense, his brow furrowed and his mouth a straight line. He glances at Damon and Damon can obviously feel his brother's eyes boring into him like daggers because he squirms uncomfortably in his seat and gets to his feet. Damon steps towards us slightly and meets my eyes and this time I know what he's trying to say.

"Do you want to tell them or shall I?" Stefan says in Damon's direction.

I feel my heart catch in my chest and it's only a second before the anger flushes through me. I  _knew_  I couldn't trust Damon. What the hell was I thinking confiding in him about something this important?

"Well? Is someone going to tell us what the hell is going on around here?" Caroline asks, her voice high pitched.

Damon and I exchange an anxious stare and then Stefan sighs deeply and says, "Fine, I'll tell them. Bonnie and Damon have been concocting a plan to bring Elena back."

In a second my secret has been exposed and I flinch as my armour collapses to the ground. I turn to look to Jeremy and Caroline, their eyes are wide and a mixture of shock, disappointment, betrayal and bewilderment is etched onto their faces.

"I can explain..." I say softly stepping towards them.

Jeremy shakes his head and asks, "What does he mean, Bonnie? If you found a way to help Elena why would you keep it from us?"

"Because it's a resurrection spell."

Jeremy stares at me in horror and Caroline shakes her head. "No, but...no. You told me that resurrection spells like that were dark magic and you should never mess with it," Caroline says.

I nod my head and attempt to swallow the huge lump forming in my throat.

"I've spent enough time with you to understand how resurrection spells work," Jeremy states his voice hard. "There's no way to bring a person back without trading their life with someone else's."

I drop my head to the ground unable to meet their eyes, the shame of my lies and betrayal threatening to swallow me whole.

"What? But who...?" Caroline asks, but then trails off when she sees the truth in my eyes. "Bonnie, please tell me... No, no, no. Why would you-? You can't _-_ "

"I'm sorry," I exclaim, my voice cracking with emotion. "I'm so sorry, but there was no other way."

"No other way?!" Jeremy explodes, lashing out and punching the wall beside him.

"Jeremy, please..."

"What? How else did you expect me to react?  _You lied, Bonnie_. And you went to _Damon_  of all people?" he shouts pointing towards Damon aggressively.

"Yeah, because I knew he would understand."

"Understand?  _Understand?_!"

"Jeremy, look, maybe we should all just take a-"

"Stay out of this, Stefan!" Jeremy bites, gesturing at Stefan to shush.

"I didn't tell you because I knew I had to do this and I knew you'd stop me."

"Damn right we would've stopped you. What happened to our plan to find Silas? Isn't he the one that's going to bring Elena back?"

I put my hand to my head and then reply with, "Jeremy, I think we all know we're chasing a dead lead, we just haven't wanted to admit it. Even if Silas is out there somewhere and we find him, what are the chances of him being powerful enough to bring Elena back? And anyway what's the cost of that? Didn't you hear what Shane said? He won't just bring Elena back, he'll bring back every single supernatural creature from The Other Side."

"That wasn't a problem before."

"We were all in denial. We were so determined to save Elena that we were blinded. While you were all looking for Silas I was searching for a spell, a loophole, because I knew the only person I can rely on is...me," I explain.

Jeremy scoffs and shakes his head in disbelief, then turns and shouts, "So you can't rely on me? Or Caroline?"

"Not for this, no," I argue.

"Do you want to die? Is that it? Do you have some kinda death wish?" he explodes.

"No, of course not," I reply through tears. "But if it's a choice between my life or Elena's, I know what my choice is. It's my fault, Jeremy. Elena's dead and it's  _because of me_. How can I live with that? How can I live knowing that I killed my own best friend, your sister?"

"Bonnie, none of it is your fault, it's just-"

"But it is my fault, Caroline!" I shout cutting her off. "Don't you see that? And even if it wasn't my fault, I'd still cast the spell. Imagine it was you Caroline. If you had the power to bring Elena back, are you telling me you wouldn't do it, even if the cost was your own life?"

She holds my gaze, then her lips part slightly and she exhales lightly.

"Exactly. I  _have_  to do this."

"No, no, you don't," Stefan says from behind. "I've been thinking..."

I frown at Stefan confused as to what possible alternative he could've found and Jeremy and Caroline come up beside me, their eyes fixed on Stefan eagerly awaiting his suggestion.

"The resurrection spell requires a life for a life, right?"

I nod.

"Well, why does that life have to be yours? Why can't we use someone else?"

"So now you want to sacrifice an innocent life?" Caroline says.

"Bonnie's innocent," Stefan hits back causing Caroline to instantly fall silent. "But anyway, we wouldn't be using an innocent, we'd be using me."

Caroline's eyes practically pop out of her head as she says, "Stefan, no. How is you dying any better than Bonnie dying?"

"As much as it pains me to admit it, Blondie's right. There's no way in hell you're doing that," Damon says stepping forward, his shoulders squared as his protective big brother instinct kicks in.

"What about if we used someone else? Could that work?" Jeremy asks, turning to face me his arms folded.

I shake my head. "This spell isn't like the first one I used. Whoever reads the spell is the one whose life is offered up in exchange."

Sighs of disappointment and frustration escape them all and I step forward and add, "Look, it doesn't matter what you say, I'm doing this spell. You can scream at me, you can hate me, but nothing's going to change my mind. It's  _my_  choice."

I meet their eyes in turn, my back straight and my gaze full of determination so as to ensure they all understand how serious I am.

"And just remember that if you try to stop me, all you're doing is making sure that Elena stays dead," I state, hoping that that revelation alone will be enough for them to all change their minds.

Jeremy puts his head in his hands, then suddenly comes up to me and takes my face in his hands. "Bonnie, I love you," he says firmly, tears reflected in his eyes. "But I can't choose between you and my sister. I  _won't_."

I place my hand over his and bite my lip, then reply, "You won't have to. I'm sorry, but this is my decision and I can't go back on it. I just can't."

"If you're going to do this I can't be a part of it," he says, his voice a choked up whisper. He plants a lingering kiss at the center of my head then turns on his heels without another word.

I want to chase after him, but don't because what can I do? What can I say? I don't want to hurt him, but whatever I choose he'll suffer. If I don't do the spell he'll never see his sister again and if I do, he'll lose me. I know in my heart that he loves me and wants to keep me safe, but regardless of how much he may love me he needs his sister more. They all do.

I look to Caroline, her face wet with the tears she's silently crying and I reach my hand out to her. "Caroline, I'm sorry," I whisper.

She starts to cry harder and I pull her towards me lightly. "You need to understand that I have to do this. There's no other way."

"But what can I do?" she asks desperately through sobs. "I don't want to lose you. Bonnie, you're my best friend, but so is Elena and I-I don't know what to do!"

She descends into floods of tears and I grab her into a hug, holding her close. She rests her head on my shoulder and I stroke her curly blonde locks gently. She pulls away after a minute or so and I stroke her hair behind her ear and tell her, "None of this is your fault, Caroline. It's my choice and no one else's. Don't feel guilty, please."

"Maybe there's another way. We can still look for Silas or we can find another spell, another witch," she scrambles desperately and I shake my head lightly. She falls silent and cries harder again.

"We should...we should go find Jeremy and make sure he's okay," she says when she's recomposed herself enough to speak.

I nod. "You go, I need to speak to Damon and Stefan."

She eyes me suspiciously and says, "But you're not going to do the spell, right? Not yet?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

She looks to Stefan and Damon and I see Stefan give her a nod of reassurance that he will keep me from committing suicide and with one final embrace she reluctantly heads for the door, telling me that if she hasn't heard from me in 15 minutes she's coming back round to get me.

The second the door is closed behind her I march up to Damon and unleash my frustration with a hard, sharp slap across his cheek. He barely seems to react to it and simply rubs the red hand print on his face gently and wiggles his jaw slightly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I exclaim, my teeth gritted. "I knew I shouldn't have trusted you! You've ruined everything, Damon!"

Stefan comes up behind me and guides me away from Damon and over to the couch.

"I'm just as pissed at him as you, but right now we have more important things to talk about," Stefan says, placing a drink in my hand. "Bonnie, you can't do this," he states firmly, his eyes locked on mine.

Stefan of all people is the last I would expect to argue against me dying for Elena.

"Caroline's right. We can find another way to save Elena, one that doesn't involve you or anyone else dying."

I shake my head. "How many more times, Stefan? There is no other way. Don't you think I've looked? Do you really think I would do this if there were any other choice?" I say exasperated.

"Have you even thought about it? I mean, really thought about it? Do you really want Elena to come back into the world knowing that her getting her life back is the reason you lost yours? Do you want Elena to have to live with that pain for the rest of her life? To suffer through the same guilt you do?"

I bite my lip hard and my eyes fall down. I hadn't thought of it that way.

"We haven't found any proof that Silas exists, but we haven't found any that says he doesn't. Do you really wanna cast this spell without being sure?"

How does he do that? I've spent days pondering over this decision, never wavering and determined that I'm going to do it, but with just a few words from Stefan, I'm doubting myself.

"Why are you trying to persuade me against it anyway? I thought you'd jump at the chance to bring Elena back. Damon did."

"Yeah, well, I'm not my brother," he replies, with a glare over his shoulder at Damon. "Look, just go to Jeremy and Caroline and talk to them. When you see what this is doing to them you'll change your mind. There's a way to do this, Bonnie. A way to get Elena back and for us all to live. There has to be."

He sounds so hopeful and optimistic that all I can do is stare at him in awe. He seems to be a completely different man than the one that clung to Elena's dead body those first days after her death and that viciously attacked Jeremy. Maybe I was wrong to doubt and distrust him. I believed he only cared for me by extension of Elena, but here I am, offering him a very real opportunity to get the woman he loves back in exchange for my life and he's talking me out of it. He's clearly not the selfish, soulless monster that it is sometimes easier to imagine him to be.

"Bonnie?" he prompts when I don't respond.

I nod. "Okay, okay."

"So, you won't cast the spell until you've spoken to Jeremy and Caroline?"

I momentarily glance over at Damon who is stood behind Stefan, his arms folded across his chest, an infuriated look on his face as he bites the inside of his mouth and then I meet Stefan's kind eyes. "I won't cast the spell until I've spoken to them."

He nods, then offers to drive me home, but I insist that he doesn't and he gives in, seeming confident that he's changed my mind about the spell. As I head for the door, Damon's eyes are locked on mine and even when I've turned my back to him, I know he's still staring at me. I don't know Damon that well, but I know him well enough to know that Stefan's speech hasn't convinced him that casting the spell is a bad idea. The truth is, despite Stefan's words resonating with me on some deep level inside, I can't say that I'm 100% convinced either. Perhaps it's because previous experience has taught me that the only person I can truly rely on is myself or perhaps it's because Elena's life is invaluable to me, but I will never completely discount the spell, because regardless of how much Stefan convinces himself, hope won't bring Elena back, but my magic will.

* * *

**STEFAN**

"What the hell was that?" Damon spits the second Bonnie has left.

"What?"

"All of that bullshit about Silas and there being a way for us to bring Elena back together? An hour ago you were saying there was no hope, that Elena was gone forever."

I sigh and swing to face him. "It doesn't matter what I think, Damon. Bonnie needs hope right now, she needs to know that she doesn't have to do this, that there's another way."

"But that's just the point, Stefan, there  _isn't_  another way," he replies, his voice hard and cold. "So you've just talked Bonnie out of doing the one and only thing that will actually save Elena. Well done, brother, good work," he taunts sarcastically, slapping me on the back.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't you dare turn this on me. You're the one that went behind me back and lied about all of this," I reply, still furious that he kept such an important secret from me.

"And we all know why, don't we?"

"Why?"

"Because you're weak," he shouts. "Saint Stefan, always has to do the right thing, always has to be the hero. The only problem is, little brother, that isn't going to save Elena, is it?"

"That's just typical, Damon. As long as you get what you want, it doesn't matter who gets hurt or who dies."

"You're right. When it comes to Bonnie Bennett, I would gladly let her die if it meant Elena got to live. And do you know why, Stefan? Because I  _love_  her! And I'm not ashamed of what I did. I would help Bonnie cast that spell in a heartbeat, because I would do  _anything_  for Elena. The question is, if you love her so much, why won't you?"

"How dare you!?" I explode, the rage inside me erupting. "I love Elena and I  _would_  do anything for her, but the difference is, I know what it is to be selfless. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the person you love, but  _you_  wouldn't understand that."

"So what? You keep Bonnie alive because that's what Elena would want? Why does that matter if Elena's dead? You need a reality check, brother. You said it yourself, Silas is a fairy tale conjured up by cuckoo Professor Shane and there's no witch on planet earth that would be willing to cast a resurrection spell. But seeing as you have all the answers, tell me how do we save Elena if Bonnie doesn't cast this spell?" he challenges, his eyebrows raised as he waits in anticipation.

"I don't know!" I scream. "Are you happy? I don't know! All I know is that I can't just let Bonnie die. Can't you see? Bonnie being dead is no better than Elena being dead. If Bonnie dies, Elena's lost her best friend, Jeremy's lost the woman he loves, Caroline's lost her best friend, everyone suffers just the same. How do you think Elena will cope when she wakes up and Bonnie's dead?"

"She'll get over it and she'll be alive, that's all that matters!" he shouts back, veins protruding out of his forehead.

"There's more to it and you know that," I reply with a shake of my head.

* * *

** DAMON **

I managed to keep my cool the entire time Bonnie was here, but I can't hold my tongue any longer. I'm furious and every second, I feel my cells being took over with the lava of fury, like a domino effect rippling through my body.

"Is there? Because I don't think there is. The way I see it, it's simple; Bonnie dies, we get Elena back, we find the cure, she's human, she gets the life she's always wanted and lives happily ever after."

"Not with you," he mutters under his breath.

I heard his words clearly, but I find myself questioning him on it, just because I want to hear him say it louder so that I can explode.

"Not with you," he replies firmly and with more volume, after I've prompted him.

"Oh," I comment with a snicker. "So it comes back down to that does it? I really thought you were more sophisticated than that, little brother."

"You're right, this isn't about me and you, it's about Bonnie."

"No, it's about  _Elena_ ," I correct.

He scoffs and scratches the side of his head.

"Why does keeping Elena's little friends alive matter so much to you?"

"Because unlike you, I actually value human life."

"Ironic coming from the Ripper of Monterrey," I comment snidely.

"Look, it doesn't matter! None of this matters!" he screams with a wave of his hand. "This is over! We're done talking! Bonnie will decide herself whether or not to cast the spell."

He tuts and marches for the door without another word, but just as he's about to exit the room, I say over my shoulder, "And if she doesn't, you have to live knowing that you stood by and let Elena die for a  _second_  time."

He stops dead in his tracks and when I turn to him, he slowly twists to face me, his jaw clenched and his fists bunched.

"Elena died that night on Wickery Bridge because  _you_  decided to be all noble and heroic and save an insignificant busboy, because she  _asked_  you to," I growl through bared teeth.

"Don't say another word," he warns.

"Why? Because you can't stand to hear the truth? Well, the truth is, brother, Elena became a vampire because of  _you,_ she was sired to me and then she dumped your ass and jumped into bed with me."

"Shut up, Damon!" he shouts.

"I know how much that eats you up. Knowing that everything that's happened since that day has happened because you just  _had_  to do the right thing. And now, you're going to let her stay dead all to save some witch? You never learn do you, little brother?" I patronise, squaring up to him, all the anger and resentment I've been keeping bottled up exploding out of me all at once. "Go right ahead, Stefan, stand by and do nothing, talk Bonnie out of casting the spell, play the hero. That way I get to spend the rest of eternity watching you get eaten alive by the guilt and shame of knowing  _you're_  the reason Elena's dead."

A earth shattering roar escapes him and I feel a sharp pain shoot through my abdomen and ripple throughout the nerves in my body. It lasts only seconds, because the fury and adrenaline takes over as I rip the shard of wood from my stomach and plunge it into his chest with a ferocious yell. He stumbles backwards, his eyes wide with shock and I jump over to him, pushing him with all my might until he's lying flat on the ground on his back. I gaze down upon him, the wood still protruding out of his flesh as he gasps and groans, incapacitated and his eyes bleary with tears.

"Elena told me once that it would always be you and that might be true, but it doesn't really matter. Because like I said before, brother..." I bend over him and meet his eyes, "...when it comes down to it,  _I'm_  the one that will always keep her alive."

He screams out and I simply reach down, grip either side of his head and snap his neck in one swift motion, putting an abrupt end to his frenzied cries.

* * *

**BONNIE**

I call Caroline incessantly, but she ignores all of my calls so on my way to Jeremy's, I stop off at her house knowing that I can't leave our conversation as it was left at the Boarding House. It's almost 5am and I know Liz's routine off by heart, so wait for her to leave the house for work, which she does at exactly 5am on the dot and then I knock on the door. When there's still no response after a few minutes I try calling her again, but this time it goes straight through to answer phone, so I leave her a voicemail.

"Caroline, it's me. I know you're upset and you're angry that I didn't tell you, but I need to see you. I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me...not now", when I'm about to die, I think. "If I don't see you...I just...just know that I love you, okay?"

There's so much more I want to say, but the lump in my throat makes it hard to speak so I hang up. Maybe it's better that I don't see her, after all would would I say? I can't stand the thought of our last conversation being a pack of lies, of me pretending that her, Jeremy and Stefan have changed my mind about casting the spell. They did, but for only 5 minutes and then I realised that regardless of how much they're afraid to lose me, letting Elena stay dead when I have the power to give her her life back is not an option. They'll hate me for going behind their backs and hurting them, but I'll be dead, so it won't matter and besides, they will have Elena back and that alone will be enough to override any sense of grief they feel at my loss...I hope.

I flick through the photos on my phone and come to one of Elena, Caroline and I. It was taken three years ago at our monthly sleepover, where we'd eat ice cream until we were sick, laugh until our sides hurt, fritter over the latest Ben Affleck movie and listen as Caroline doled out the latest high school gossip. The three of us are laid on Caroline's four poster bed on our fronts, propped up on our elbows, smiling our cheesiest grins and there's a light of innocence and naivety in our eyes that makes me ache. I trace my finger over their faces, a reminiscent smile on my face and then clutch the phone to my chest, a jagged breath escaping me as I realise the three of us will never be together again. Bonnie Bennett, Caroline Forbes and Elena Gilbert, best friends forever. Except, forever isn't as long as we expected it would be when we made that pact at 4 years old.

I wipe the tears from my eyes, place my phone back into my jean pocket and head for Jeremy's. I consider driving straight past his house and going home, knowing that any conversation we have will only go in circles. Lying to him isn't an option this time. I've already done too much of that and I can't stand for there to be any kind of distance to be between us that might come from concealing the truth from him, not when it's likely the last time I will ever see him. Despite Stefan momentarily making me question my decision, I've snapped straight back to being completely self-assured of my decision and this time I know that I won't falter or hesitate. In fact, I've already began concocting a plan in my head for exactly how it's all going to go down. It's just 15 hours until the sun sets and I'm determined that by the time tomorrow morning arrives, Elena will be alive and well. I try not to focus too much on the fact that I'll be gone, because I'm afraid that if I do, my courage will completely dissolve.

By the time I pull up outside Jeremy's, daylight has broken and I let myself in through the open door to find Jeremy throwing books in a frantic rage, frustrated grunts escaping him as he does.

"Jeremy, what are you doing?" I ask softly, causing him to freeze and turn to me.

"What do you think? I'm trying to find something,  _anything_ , that means you don't have to cast that spell," he replies flipping through another book, before casting it aside.

"Jeremy, stop. Talk to me."

"Talk about what, Bonnie? You've already made your mind up. You want to kill yourself to save my sister."

"We still need to talk. I need to explain why I'm doing this, why I-"

"I know why you're doing it, Bonnie. You think Elena's death is your fault, but guess what? It's not. The only person to blame for this is  _Shane_. So I really don't want to hear another speech about how you have to do this to fix your mistake and make amends, okay?" he snaps, getting up to his feet.

He begins rummaging through papers, his temper returning and I sigh softly, walk over to him and bend down behind him, reaching for his shoulder as I say, "Jeremy, I can't leave it like this. Please..."

He suddenly shoves his shoulder backwards so violently that I stumble and crash into the wall at full force. I exclaim out in pain and clutch my hand to my head, where I can already feel a lump forming. When I turn to face him, his eyes are wide with horror and he steps towards me and reaches his hand forward, his lip trembling.

"Bonnie, I..." he whispers. "I'm so sorry." He collapses back onto couch, his head in his hands, his breathing shallow.

I feel my heart swell with the hurt of seeing him so devastated and wander over, sit beside him on the couch, reach for his hand and entwine my fingers with his. He grips me so tightly that his knuckles turn white and I say, "It's okay to be upset."

He shakes his head. "I'm not upset, I'm furious. Why me, Bonnie? First my parents, then Vicki, Anna, Jenna, Alaric, now Elena and...you...everyone that I've ever cared about is gone. It's like I'm cursed or something and I don't understand what I've done to deserve this. Am I really such a terrible person?"

"No, no, you're not," I clamber, desperate to reassure and comfort him. "You're a good person, Jeremy."

He sighs and shakes his head. "No, you are," I reiterate firmly. "The world is just unfair. It doesn't distinguish between the good and the bad, it takes what it wants. You don't deserve any of what's happened to you, but neither does Elena. She deserves a second chance and I can give her that. How many people can say that they have the power to bring someone they love back to life?"

He looks up and meets my eyes. "I know," he admits. "You're right, people would kill for it, and all I want is my sister back, you know that, but I can't stand losing you too. It's like, since the day Stefan and Damon came along, everything in our lives has completely fallen apart. Elena has been hunted, Caroline was turned into a vampire, Vicki was killed, Tyler was forced to become a hybrid, you've been used for your magic over and over. All of us have been used as pawns in this supernatural game and I'm so sick of it and I'm sick of you always being the one that has to make sacrifices for everyone else's mistakes. Because, why? Why should it be you?" he asks exasperated.

I sigh and shrug. "I didn't ask to be a witch, but it's part of who I am and my magic has been used for the wrong reasons, I've been blackmailed to use it against my will, but this is a true purpose for my magic. Don't see it as a sacrifice, see it as a gift."

He scoffs. "A gift? You really believe that?"

"I think I do," I reply my voice low.

"Bonnie, I know you well enough to know there's no changing your mind about this, I can see that in your eyes."

I bow my head, unable to argue and he sighs deeply, then continues with, "But you have to know that I meant what I said; I can't be a part of it. I'm sorry."

Although I knew this would be his response, I feel disappointment wash over me.

"I can't, because if Elena were here she wouldn't let you do this."

"She would if it would save your life," I reply.

"No, you're wrong," he insists. "I know Elena, she wouldn't let you sacrifice yourself like that, not even for me. You say I'm a good person, but I'm not. Since I became a Hunter, I dunno, it's like there's something...something dark in me. And I know Elena felt the same way when she became a vampire, but the difference is she was and  _is_  good and I trust her judgement. I trust her more than I trust myself."

I understand everything he's saying and somewhere deep inside I know if it were Jeremy that was going to sacrifice himself for Elena I would be dead set against it, but unfortunately my empathy only extends so far and in this instance it's not far enough that it makes me contemplate changing my mind about the spell.

He unexpectedly bursts out into hysterical sobs, taking me by surprise and his head falls onto my lap. I run my fingers through his hair and press my lips to his head as I hold him close. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to die, but there is no choice involved anymore. I  _have_  to do this. Jeremy may be heartbroken if I die, but he's 17 years old, he will grow up, he will meet someone else and he will fall in love again, but Elena, she's his sister, she's completely irreplaceable and there will be a hole in his heart for the rest of his life if he doesn't have her. He may not realise it yet, but I'm doing this for him as much as I am for Elena.

After almost an hour of sobbing Jeremy drifts off into an exhausted grief ridden sleep in my arms. I keep my arms around him and remain in the silence, just listening to the sound of his breathing, knowing that if I don't make it to the afterlife, at least I have experienced this slice of heaven. I cry quietly, my tears dampening his hair and the agony of knowing that I will be dead come tomorrow morning is so crippling that I can scarcely breathe, but it is a pain that is mine alone to carry. I stiffen my body in an attempt to stop the shuddering of my body due to the intensity of my sobs and keep my mouth firmly closed so as not to make even a murmur. Since the moment I found out I was a witch I knew my life would be short lived, but I expected that my life would be taken during some insignificant supernatural indevour, just as Grams' was, so to know it will be for Elena instead is somewhat comforting and helps to lessen the blow slightly.

I cautiously attempt to squirm from beneath Jeremy, replacing the contours of my body with cushions and although he stirs and groans lightly, he remains fast asleep. I take one last look at him, then bend down and plant a kiss on his forehead. I feel more tears threatening to spill over but I manage to fight them back and then I head up the stairs, locking myself in the bathroom out of ear shot.

I reach into my back pocket and dial Damon's number.

"What?" he answers sharply.

"Are you alone?" I ask.

"Um...you could say that," he replies.

"What does that mean? Are you alone or not?" I ask again abruptly, burning with impatience.

"I'm alone," he retorts.

"Good. So, we're still on tonight."

"We are?" he questions, his voice high with surprise. "I thought my brother worked his magic on you and talked you out of it?"

"No, he didn't. I'm doing this Damon. I know Caroline and Jeremy and Stefan don't agree with it, but that isn't going to stop me. So are you still with me?"

He falls silent for a few moments then says, "I'm with you."

"Good. Meet me at Elena's at 8 and make sure you're alone. Oh, and Damon...don't mess this up."


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is the night of the full moon and Bonnie casts the spell that will bring Elena back to life. Having been dead for two weeks, Elena is overwhelmed and extremely emotional. She is confused, angry and hurt but also elated to be alive once more. As emotions run high she and Stefan have an extremely intimate and heartfelt reunion that seals their fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Major canon-character death, graphic descriptions of corpses and explicit sexual content.

**BONNIE**

At around 6pm Jeremy woke up and I made him a cup of coffee laced with sedatives, which I'd become accustomed to using on him over the passing days, since it was the only way he seemed able to rest. We barely spoke at all and the moment I handed him the coffee and he took his first few gulps, he grew drowsy and I escorted him up to bed. I tucked him in bed, lay beside him with my hand strewn over his torso, until the clock read 7:45. I twisted towards him, planted a series of kisses on his face and lips, whilst whispering that I was sorry and then grabbed my bag with the grimoire in and headed downstairs, trying not to think about the fact that that would be the last time I would ever see him. Or rather, it would be the last time I was able to have flesh on flesh contact with him. After all, I will spend the rest of my days on The Other Side watching over him and Elena and Caroline and Matt and Tyler.

It's now 8:03 according to my wrist watch and of all of the times for Damon to be late, this has to be the worst. I march outside to look for him and as I emerge onto the porch, he suddenly appears directly in front of my face as he shouts, "Boo!"

I let out a panicked squeal and then slap him repeatedly in the chest. "You asshole!" I spit, to which he chuckles with amusement. "Now isn't the time to be messing around. Come on."

He follows me inside and I turn and ask, "Did you bring the candles like I asked?"

"Do you take me for a complete imbecile?"

"Did you or did you not bring them?" I ask again, intolerant of his sarcasm.

"Yeah, I got them. I raided Stefan's drawers and found some adorable vanilla scented candles."

"And...Elena?" I ask with a loud gulp.

He hands his head and simply answers with, "In the car."

"Good," I state.

He peers around the room and into the kitchen, then scratches his chin and asks, "Where's Jeremy?"

My eyes fall to the ground and I clear my throat. "He's...resting."

"Resting?" he asks, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, resting."

"Bonnie Bennett, did you drug your boyfriend?"

He points an accusatory finger at me and I instantly jump to defend myself with, "Well...where's Stefan?"

"Tied up in the wine cellar at the house, but that's not the point," he replies.

"That's exactly the point. You did what you had to do and so did I," I reply.

"And what about Blondie? Where's she?"

I hang my head and bite my lip so hard that it draws blood. Caroline's phone has been off all day and she still hasn't got back to me after the voicemail I left. It's not like her to do something like this and as worried as I am about her I know that she's sensible and smart enough to keep herself safe, but that doesn't stop me from feeling hideously guilty and riddled with pain at the thought of never getting a chance to say goodbye.

"I dunno..." I admit, my voice quiet. "Since she left yours this morning she hasn't taken any of my calls and her phone's off. I checked in on her at home, but she wasn't there. I don't know where she is."

"And what if she decides to turn up when you're right in the middle of doing the spell?"

I shake my head. "Even if she wanted to, she wouldn't know where to find us. I didn't tell her about the plan, I didn't tell anyone."

"Then why did you drug Jeremy?"

"Just because I didn't tell him where I was going or what I was doing, doesn't mean he wouldn't find out. Jeremy knows me, he would've figured it out for himself. Besides, if Caroline does show up, which she won't, you'll be there to stop her. That's kinda the only point of you being there."

He tuts as though offended, then we head out. Once Damon has dragged Elena's lifeless body from the cramped backseat of his car into my boot, we head off. It feels so wrong to be manhandling Elena that way, to be stuffing her in the boot of a car as though she's flat pack furniture, but right now she's just a shell; the rotten, decomposed corpse of my best friend. We retch on the stench that still manages to radiate from the dark air tight plastic sheeting she's wrapped in and I remind myself that in an hour's time, that body will be reanimated with the spirit and life of Elena once more. Magic may be dark and dangerous, but it's also a miracle.

When we arrive at the Lockwood Mansion we waste no time in setting everything up. Damon clears the furniture from the center of the living room, places Elena's body on the marble floor and the two of us place candles around her, in deathly silence. I can sense from Damon's heavy breathing that he's nervous, but surprisingly I'm not, I'm merely focused and eager.

Damon pulls out some matches from his back pocket and begins lighting the candles, whilst I take the opportunity to glance over the spell. In the short time I've been a witch I've already mastered the craft and I feel confident in my ability, even with a spell as powerful as this. Shane unlocked something in me - deliberately turned me into a weapon, made me fearful of myself - but with this sacrifice I'm making amends for all of it.

I'm so good at keeping everything locked up inside, of pretending, hiding, avoiding but I can feel the shift of power inside me. The dark magic that Shane taught me is brewing beneath the surface and if I don't die today as I've planned, who knows what hell I will unleash in the future. Shane has only been gone for two weeks and I've already lost control numerous times and let the magic consume me from the inside out, not that anyone else knows that. Those around me perceive me to be moral and righteous, but they don't see the spark of evil within me, they don't realise that I'm a silent ticking time bomb and that it's only a matter of time before the magic consumes me from the inside out, until I've completely lost myself. The only thing that has kept me grounded over these two weeks is Jeremy and Caroline and the knowledge that that very magic has purpose to it because it allows me to give Elena back her life.

I close my eyes and mutter the incantation under my breath, attempting to remember it word for word. I feel Damon standing over me and open my eyes to see him looking down upon me.

"You can do this, can't you?" he asks skeptically.

"Of course I can," I snap defensively. "I'm ready. Just...take all of that off her..." I instruct gesturing to Elena, still wrapped in plastic sheeting.

Damon's face turns pale white and I can see in his face how terrified he is of seeing what lies beneath, but he does it anyway and when the final sheet has been uncovered Damon stumbles back, coughing and spluttering, the smell of rotting flesh and organs so unbearably strong that I feel my own brain is going to dissolve and spill out of my ears.

When I actually let myself look at Elena I gasp in horror, clasping my hand to my mouth to stifle the cries. Gone is her radiant olive complexion, dark glossy hair and delicate features and in it's place is brown and green pigmented skin, covered in hideous blisters. Her body is contorted, her rib cage and abdomen bloated and rising from the ground unnaturally high and her eyes are wide and sunken in her head, thick white goo having destroyed the gorgeous chocolate colouration of them. Everything about her is alien and repulsive and for the first time since she's been gone it hits me how real this is.

 _She's dead_.

She's not peacefully sleeping, her features solemn, her spirit at peace, she's just  _gone_. When Damon turns back around, half of his face is covered by his leather jacket, but when he sees Elena his grip loosens and he practically falls to his knees, his lip trembling. I turn my head away from her unable to look for a second longer and any residual uncertainty or fear I had has been completely obliterated and I'm more determined than ever.

I still don't know why magic exists and I never fully understand what my purpose was, but now I'm sure that this is it. I was meant to save my best friend and that's why I'm able to ignore every single survival instinct that is screaming inside me, because  _this_  is my purpose, this is why I have magic.

"Get back, Damon," I tell him, my voice cold. I perch myself on my knees outside the circle, the grimoire open in front of me and I gesture for Damon to stand in the hall.

Once he's out of the room I give him one last glance over my shoulder and he meets my gaze intently, then I look back to the grimoire, take a deep breath in and begin the incantation. I shudder, as I feel the intensity of the magic instantly flow through me and take hold. I've spent days memorising the spell and despite my fears of forgetting it, it's ingrained into my mind and the words roll off the tongue without even a second thought. I feel a whirl of wind circling around me and the spell falls out of my mouth even quicker. Gusts howl and squeal, the ground beneath my feet tremors and I can vaguely hear Damon grunting somewhere in the distance.

The power suddenly spikes causing me to momentarily call out in pain, as every cell in my body becomes consumed with the darkest of magic in existence. I feel my chest tighten as I struggle to breathe and I hear shouts screaming my name. It's...wait, is that Caroline and...Stefan? No... Damon is shouting at me to hurry up and although my consciousness has completely faded from me, I'm still able to respond and I begin screaming the spell over their shouts and the sound of crashing furniture and violent currents. As my body trembles beneath me, I feel my strength withering and my grip on the spell loosening, but I continue nonetheless, determined to complete the spell.

An explosion and expansion of the flames on the candles signals the end of the spell and at once the elements cease and silence falls, as the spell releases it's hold on me I collapse forward, my head hitting against the hard floor and disorientating me. I can hear Damon's voice distorted in my ears and as I try to sit up, my eyes fall on Elena's still mangled corpse.

"It didn't work," Damon pants, through Caroline and Stefan's frantic shouts. I turn to him and the front door is piled with furniture barricading Stefan and Caroline from entering, then I look back to Elena in disbelief.

"No, no, no...that can't-this can't be happening..." I mutter in disbelief. "That should've worked."

Suddenly Elena's body begins to jerk uncontrollably and all at once her limbs return to their slender size, her abdomen falls, the colouration of her skin returns, the rosiness of her cheeks practically glows, her wiry hair shimmers once more and then a loud, desperate gasp of air escapes her as her chocolate eyes burst open. Her eye balls are wide and googly in her head, her chest falling and rising rapidly and I feel every nerve ending in my body explode with relief and joy as I witness this miracle. She looks just like she always has; beautifully perfect. It takes only a moment for her eyes to meet mine and confusion gives way to relief, but just as her mouth is about to pull up into a smile, I feel a sudden and excruciating lead weight in my chest and in an instant the world has completely fallen from beneath me. The cruel hands of death grip me around the throat, squeezing until I'm no more as I pay the price I would pay a thousand times over for the life of Elena Gilbert.

* * *

**DAMON**

Stefan and Caroline's voices are loud in my ears, but the second she takes that first breath the rest of the world falls silent and I practically stumble into the room, my mouth open and my eyes frantically searching for her face. Bonnie thuds to the floor, Elena shoots up and Stefan and Caroline burst through the door. It's so surreal, that it feels as though it's unfolding in slow motion. Stefan and Caroline come up beside me, but fall silent when their eyes fall upon Elena, who looks just as she did the last time we saw her; her hair cascading over her shoulders, her eyes bright with life, the pale blue sweater she's wearing still covered in blood. Can this really be happening? Is she really here?

She looks disorientated but we're all in so much shock that none of us know what to say and instead of making an attempt to comfort her, we just stand frozen, conflicted with the bombardment of emotions that are taking us over.

"Bo-Bo-Bo-Bonnie?" she stammers softly, her voice thick with phlegm and her lip trembling.

Suddenly Stefan charges forward and collapses on his knees beside her, taking her into his arms. She has no idea what's going on, but she clings to Stefan desperately, burying her face into his shirt and without any words he manages to provide her with the comfort she so desperately needed. Stefan springing into action seems to wake Caroline up and she runs forward next and gets down beside Bonnie, but I'm still awe stricken.

Elena releases Stefan and crawls across the floor to Caroline who has Bonnie cradled in her arms.

"What-? What happened?" Elena whimpers.

"Not here," Stefan tells her with a sniffle, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Let's get you back home."

Usually she would question anyone that gave her an order, but she doesn't and simply takes Stefan's hand as he helps her to her feet. I find myself walking forwards and before I realise I've done it I'm holding Bonnie in my arms. Caroline looks up at me in surprise and I gesture my head for the door. She follows on behind Stefan and Elena, and I plod along my eyes on Bonnie whose eyes are draped shut, all breath having left her body. I knew the purpose of the spell, I actively took part in helping Bonnie cast it and I've witnessed death more times than I'd care to admit, yet I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that Elena's body, which was nothing more than a mangled corpse is once again walking, talking and breathing, whilst Bonnie is just...gone. Of all the great mysteries in the world, death is the most devastatingly mystifying phenomenons in existence.

* * *

**STEFAN**

The four of us arrive at Elena's, the air so thick with tension that I can scarcely breathe. I stand close to Elena, insuring I can feel her against me at all times, unwilling to separate from her for even a moment. Damon is the last one through the door and he places Bonnie gently down onto the couch. His tenderness and concern surprises me, since he's the reason she's dead.

"I...I know what happened," Elena says quietly from beside me.

I jerk my head to look at her and rub her arm encouragingly. She instinctively responds to my touch and leans in closer to me.

"There was a moment when I...forgot, but I remember now. I was on The Other Side. It's like I was here the entire time, I saw everything, but you just couldn't see me or hear me."

I stare at her in disbelief, feeling utterly betrayed that even though she was gone, she was with us the entire time and we didn't realise.

"I know what you did, Damon," she says, her voice cold and harsh.

He lifts his head up and looks at her, his eyes filled with anxiety.

"You helped Bonnie to kill herself."

He swallows, then replies with, "No, Elena, I helped Bonnie save you."

"Do you even have a heart?" Caroline exclaims in a sudden fit of anger. "You're nothing but a monster!"

"Look, Caroline, Elena's here, isn't she? Bonnie knew what she was getting herself in for, she  _chose_  this. Aren't you always the ones preaching about the importance of choice? Eh, Stefan?"

I feel instant rage bubble inside when he looks at me, but it's Elena that runs at him and delivers a hard, fast slap right across his cheek, leaving a red hand print on the surface of his skin.

"How could you?!" she screams at the top of her lungs. "You knew-you knew I would never let Bonnie sacrifice herself for me, but you still let her do it anyway, knowing what that would do to me, to all of us," she says gesturing back at Caroline and I. "And Jeremy...oh my god, Jeremy. Hasn't he suffered enough?"

"He has his sister back," Damon states, as though that makes up for the loss of Bonnie.

I try to imagine if it were me in that same position, if Elena sacrificed herself to bring Damon back. How would that make me feel? Heartbroken to lose Elena, ecstatic to have Damon back, guilty for being happy when Elena's gone and guilty for being sad when Damon's back and so conflicted about everything that I'd scarcely be able to make head or tail of how I'm actually feeling. That is how Jeremy is feeling right now and Caroline, who has lost a best friend, but also gained one. How are any of us supposed to feel? How can any of us decide what the right thing to think or feel is?

"I need to see him," Elena says rubbing her hand to her temples. "I need to see Jeremy."

Damon shakes his head and replies with, "Bonnie put sedatives in his coffee. He'll be out for the rest of the night."

"I don't care!" she screams gesturing wildly. "I just can't stand to look at you for another second! Just go!"

When Damon stands rooted on the spot just looking at her, she points at the front door and yells more loudly, "GO! NOW!"

This time he does as he's told and leaves without another word and I swear that I can almost see regret and shame in his face. The second the door is closed behind him Elena walks over to the couch that Bonnie is laid upon and reaches out for her hand.

"I'm sorry, Bonnie. I'm so sorry," she whispers.

Caroline comes up behind her, Elena turns around they wrap their arms about each other. Caroline instantly falls into sobs and Elena cradles her, stroking her hair comfortingly and managing to refrain from crying herself, at least for now.

* * *

** ELENA **

By the time 10pm arrives, Caroline can no longer ignore her mom's incessant calls and takes off home. Part of me is envious that she still has her mother to comfort her, but Stefan stays with me and right now he is everything I need.

It's so strange to be back, because for me I never left. I spent the 14 days I was dead living in my childhood home, seeing my family and friends everyday. The only thing that was different is that I was a third party, an outsider peering in, only ever able to witness what was unfolding but never be a part of it. But I saw it all and I felt every emotion in existence as I watched my loved ones suffer through the grief, uncertainty and heartbreak of my death. I was right by Stefan's side that night he trashed The Grill and was so delirious and traumatised that he envisioned Lexi; I sat with Caroline in her bedroom as she wept silently into the night; I watched as Bonnie went endless nights without even a wink of sleep as she searched high and low for a way to bring me back; I witnessed Jeremy revert to a childlike state due to the grief of losing his only remaining family and I peered in on Damon always fighting the tears that threatened to spill out of him whenever he was alone. I experienced every single moment of their pain and the agony of not being able to do anything to comfort them, being right next to them, but just out of reach...it was unbearable.

Bonnie is still laid on the couch, covered by a blanket and despite the ache in my chest at knowing I will likely never see her again, I also know that as I sit here now, cup of coffee in hand, she is probably sat right beside me. I can't see her and that's a pain I don't think I will ever be able to come to terms with, but experiencing The Other Side, has somehow made death easier to accept, because there  _is_  an afterlife. There's a purgatory, a heaven and a hell, and one day Bonnie will find peace, I know that, because she is the most decent, selfless person I have ever known.

"I love you, Bonnie," I whisper under my breath, knowing she's listening.

With Damon and Caroline gone, I feel more at ease. The initial shock and confusion has worn off and now I'm exhausted. Stefan doesn't tear his eyes away from me for even a second as though he can't believe I'm really here. I've spent days attempting to reach out to him, hoping that our love would be enough to transcend through dimensions, but now that I'm actually sat here with him I can't find the words to say. All I can think about is how Jeremy's going to react when he wakes up to find that I'm here and Bonnie is gone.

"Do you want me to go?" Stefan asks breaking the silence.

I turn to face him and sigh softly. "I'm sorry, I know this probably isn't how you imagined it would be on my first night back, but I really just need to be here for Jeremy," I admit.

He hangs his head and nods. "No, I-I understand. He's your brother and he needs you. I'll just-I'll give you some time."

I can sense how bitterly disappointed he is, but he's selfless enough that he will leave against his own wishes. He gets up from the couch and I catch his hand in mine just as he's about to walk away. Getting to my feet, I lean into him and say, "We'll talk, okay? I promise, we will. I'll call you tomorrow."

He nods then plants a soft, lingering kiss on my cheek before heading out the front door. I sigh deeply and feel dread take me over. I may have only been gone for two weeks, but so much has changed and there's so much that needs to be fixed. In the last month I've been broken, relying on the people I love to hold me together, but our positions are reversed and now it's them that need me.

I never realised how much they needed me until I saw how they all fell apart when I was gone, but I'm back now and I'm devoted to helping them heal from the tragedies they've suffered in these passing weeks. Death has made me stronger than I've ever been because I now understand the value of life, of love and of family in a way I didn't before and I will fight with everything I have inside me to ensure the people I love are safe and happy.

I place my hand on top of the blanket that covers Bonnie and I still have no tears to cry. I know they will come tomorrow when Jeremy finds out what's happened. I wander upstairs and open the door to Jeremy's bedroom to find him snoring lightly, the covers still tucked neatly underneath his chin, from where I watched Bonnie tuck him in earlier tonight. I climb under the covers beside him, loop my arm through his and of all the places in the world that I could be, I know this is where I belong and on my first night back, there is no one else I could be with other than my little brother.

* * *

I lie silently in the darkness listening to Jeremy's shallow breathing and with every tick of the clock on the nightstand, more thoughts of Stefan fill my mind, until all I can think about is him lying at home alone and all of the things left unsaid between us. I glance at Jeremy, still deep in slumber, then hesitantly clamber out of bed, reluctant to leave him, but unable to ignore the magnetic pull I feel to Stefan. I go to my room, change out of my clothes still covered in blood from the day I died on the island, then sprint to my car and speed over to the Boarding House.

I arrive in less than 5 minutes and make my way inside through the unlocked door. The lights downstairs are off and I climb the stairs and head straight for Stefan's room to find him laid flat on his back in the center of his bed.

When he sees me he shoots up, his eyes wide. "Elena..."

His voice is dripping with longing and anxiety and I stand on the spot, my breathing rapid. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just show up like this I just...I had to see you."

"That's okay," he replies, shifting on the bed then asking, "Is everything okay?"

I nod, although nothing is okay, because Bonnie is dead. I slowly walk towards him and perch myself on the end of the bed.

"I was with you the entire time, you know," I start. "I saw how hard you tried to find Silas, how much pain you were in...I'm sorry."

He shakes his head and replies, "You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one that should be sorry. If I had just listened to you, if I'd walked away from the cure and left with you once we had Bonnie maybe-"

"No, Stefan..." I say cutting him off and shifting towards him, taking his hand in mine. "You did everything you could to protect me, to protect all of us."

"But it didn't work, did it?"

I sigh then say, "But I'm here."

"Bonnie isn't."

I hang my head then meet his eyes and say, "She's here, I know she is, we just can't see her. And that was her choice, Stefan. I hate it and I'd do anything to get her back and you tried. You did your best to save her but Bonnie's stubborn and no one can change her mind when she's made her mind up about something."

He hangs his head with shame and I can't believe that he feels even the tiniest bit of guilt, because none of it's his fault.

"And because of Bonnie I get a second chance. Stefan, there are so many things...things I've wanted to say but haven't and I...I don't know where to start..." I trail off. The overwhelming intensity of this moment has made me light headed and I'm struggling to breathe through the racing beat of my heart and heaviness on my chest.

Silence extends between us for a minute, until he whispers, "I missed you so much," his head still low.

I move in closer and lift his chin so that he's looking at my face. He stares at me intently, his eyes grazing every inch of my face and he reaches his hand out, gently tracing his fingers along my skin, causing me to sink at his touch.

"I can't believe you're really here. I thought I'd never see you again, I thought I'd lost you forever," he gasps through shaky breaths.

Tears are already streaming down my face from the grief he has suffered because of my loss, the agony of being separated from him for so long and the joy of being here with him now. I know it was my fault that we were apart, I broke his heart in the worst possible way and I'll never forgive myself for that, but I can see in his eyes that he has.

"I'm here, Stefan. I'm here with you," I reply, placing my hand on the side of his neck and locking my eyes on his.

He closes his eyes, bites his lip and then suddenly moves into me, his lips colliding with mine. All breath falls from my body in an instant and my eyes are still open and locked on his face. He hesitantly pulls away and I can see that his face is wet from his tears, and it takes me only a second to grab for him, pulling him back to my lips. I'm burning so hot with desperation for his touch that I feel I'm about to combust, but it has been so long since we've been able to share in these precious moments that we linger in it, soaking up every ounce of one another. And that's what I want. I want to drown in him, I want him to fill me up from the inside until all there is of me is him, because god, I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.

His lips are salty with the taste of his tears and his body trembles beneath mine as his tongue explores my mouth, causing my entire face to tingle. He falls backwards and I put my legs either side of him, straddling him and cradling his face in my hands as I continue to kiss him with a savage passion. He winds his fingers in my hair and traces wet kisses down my collarbone, sending shivers up my spine, but he can only bear to be from my mouth for a moment.

It feels like forever since I've been close with him in this way but our bodies still instinctively interact with one another, our tongues dance together and our hearts beat to the same rhythm. Any distance, residual resentment or unresolved emotional baggage that was between us has been completely obliterated. My death acted as our wake up call, reminding us that this is how it should be, how it's  _supposed_  to be; he and I together.

"Stefan?" I murmur between kisses. "Stefan. Stefan, wait."

I pull away from him and he looks up at me disorientated and confused. "What's wrong?"

I peer down on him and take a deep breath knowing that I can't go any further until I've said the words I failed to get out earlier.

"This...me and you...I want you to know, I _need_  you to know, that this is it for me..."

"Elena..."

"...I don't want to waste anymore time," I blather on, desperate to get the words out before I lose my nerve. "We've already wasted so much time and I know that's my fault..."

"Elena..."

"...and I know I can't take it back, but I want to be with you, Stefan. I think I've known that for a long time, but after everything that's happened..."

"Elena..." he says for a third time, reaching his hand out to touch my arm.

"Wait, I need to say one more thing," I pant, holding up my hand. "It's always been you. I love you, Stefan, I never stopped loving you and I...I don't think I ever will."

Finally admitting the truth aloud to him is a lead weight lifted from my chest, but with every second that passes by that he continues to stare up at me in silence, that weight begins to pile back on. I'm still on top of him and I begin lean back from him slightly, terrified at his lack of response.

"You can...say something now," I say, unable to take another minute of trying to guess what's going on in his head.

He meets my gaze, sits up and says, "Elena, I thought I lost you..." he hangs his head as the raw memories of grief and heartbreak flood his mind, "...and I know that for as long as I live I never want to be apart from you ever again. I don't care what happened in the past, I don't care about any of it, because I know that I love you."

A gleeful sob escapes me as I fall down onto him, my lips merging with his once more.

He grips my back, pulling me in closer to him and I kiss him with a passionate hunger that stems from the very depths of my soul as the pain of being separated from him and relief of being reunited again consumes me. He slips his hand underneath my shirt and the warmth of his flesh against my back causes involuntary shivers to shoot through my body, as he gasps against my mouth.

Everything falls away and all of the grief, loss and hurt surrounding my temporary death and Bonnie's permanent death fades away as I get swept up in the sensations and joy of being reunited with the other half of my being.

* * *

**STEFAN**

To be able to tell her the things that have been in my heart and head over these passing weeks and finally tell her that I love her is a bigger release than I ever could've imagined. The burden of guilt and regret following her death was in some ways even harder to deal with than her being gone. The mere thought of never being able to tell her that I forgive her for every pain she caused me and that in spite of everything she is still my heart and soul was...unimaginable. I encouraged Bonnie not to take her own life in exchange for Elena's and if time rewound I know I would do the same again, but right now I almost believe I'd give up Bonnie's or anyone else's life a thousand times over for this opportunity to feel her body against me, to hear the sound of her heartbeat and her murmuring my name in my ear, to know that she loves me with the same unshakeable intensity and purity that I love her. It's everything to me,  _she_  is everything.

As we continue to kiss, I realise how long it's been since we've been intimate this way, but this is so different than the lustful encounter we shared that night at the motel the night before I lost her, which was fueled with sexual tension and frantic desperation. There is the same undercurrent of need between us, but instead of instantly ripping the clothes from each other's bodies and giving into our desires, we linger, spending endless minutes getting reacquainted with one another. I stare down at her face, wanting to remember each perfect imperfection and I show her my adoration through a series of kisses planted over her cheeks, nose and head, then I roll her over and begin tracing my lips down her collarbone and shoulders. She grasps at my back and licks my neck, then slowly reaches for the hem of my shirt pulling it over my head. Her eyes wander up and down my torso as though in awe, then she presses her palms against my chest, running them down to my jeans reaching for my belt as I remove her shirt. She must've dressed quickly on her way out because she has no bra on and I'm instantly greeted with the sight of her breasts. My eyes fall to the exact spot on her abdomen where the stab wound that took her life should be, but there isn't a single trace of it, not even a scar. I run my finger over it gently, a lump rising in my throat as my mind takes me back to that moment that I held her in my arms as her life slipped away.

"Stefan..." she whispers, placing her hand on mine and propping herself up on her elbows. "Look at me," she reaches for my face, encouraging me to meet her eyes. "I'm here. I'm here, okay? I'm with you."

She leans into me and kisses my ear, her hands winding into my hair and my hand slips from her stomach as I return to the present. I can feel her breasts pressed against my chest, the force of her heart beating against me and I push her back down onto the bed, my tongue mingling with hers as she pulls my jeans off. She rolls me over and nibbles and sucks every inch of my skin, as I lie my head back and close my eyes, allowing her to worship my body, knowing that I will soon get to return to favour.

The sounds of her puckering her lips and moaning against me fills my ears, and my body is damp with trails of her saliva and my sweat. She falls away from me for a moment and when I open my eyes she's sat at the bottom of my feet, wiggling out of her jeans and I get to my knees to assist her. Every movement we make is so careful, so tender and as much as I want her physically, even the mere sight of her fills me with pleasure, which is apparent by the hardness concealed beneath my boxers. I flip her onto her front and straddle her from behind, so that she can feel me against her buttocks and I proceed to sweep her hair to the side, so that it's spread across the mattress and then I suck on her neck, whilst my hands rub up and down her back, following the curves of her body. I kiss the back of her thighs that are still toned and muscular from the years of cheer leading, but before I can get any further, she turns herself over and pulls her panties down, her panting signalling that she can no longer wait. I don't want to though - not yet - because I want this moment to last forever.

She leans over and reaches for the waistband of my boxers, but I push her hand away and crawl towards her until she lies back down then I kiss her again, this time more violently. The fevour with which my mouth moves against hers causes her to grow more tense and she practically writhes beneath me as she clutches at my back, her nails digging into my flesh lightly. She murmurs my name, begging me to give her what she wants and boy do I want to give it to her.

My hardness is pressed against her and I can feel her wetness through the material of my boxers, which causes the hot blood in my veins to pump even harder and my pulse to grow erratic. I want her.  _God, I want her so much_. It almost feels as though I've been waiting for this moment for a lifetime and now that it's here it's even better than I could've imagined. She wraps her legs around me, dragging me closer to her so that my groin is even firmer against hers and she begins to grind her hips against me, obliterating any restraint I had in an instant and causing a growl of pleasure to escape me.

She reacts to it and uses her vampire speed and strength to turn the tables, so that she's straddling me. When I look up at her, her cheeks are flushed, her doe eyes staring down upon me and I reach my hands up to stroke her perky breasts, her nipples hard underneath my fingertips. I sit up so that I can kiss them and she finally gets her way as she slides my boxers off, her eyes locked on mine. The second I'm free I feel the warmness of her and I grow even harder, as my back jerks with anticipation. She lightly shifts up and down against me, her palms pressed on my chest and I can see from her expression how lost she is in this moment, in me. She's been waiting for this just as long as I have and needs it every bit as much as I do, and she's damn well enjoying it.

I want to do something to show her just how beautifully perfect she is and how much I admire her, but I'm dazzled by her. Her eyes are closed now and she's biting her lip as she still slowly moves back and forth, her one hand on my chest the other twirled in her hair. My hands are rested on her hips and after a minute or so she opens her eyes again, moves into me and kisses me firmly, then looks into my eyes and lifts herself up from my body, reaches her hand back, grips my length and slides down guides me to her. She brings herself down on me and all at once I'm enclosed inside her, causing a sharp exhalation to escape me, her warmness stopping my heart.

* * *

** ELENA **

The second he fills me it's as though a part of myself I hadn't realised was missing is returned. I slowly move up and down and his lips are parted as his hips instinctively move to my pace. It may have been a long time since we've been together, but we are made for this, for each other and our bodies know each other inside and out. He shifts his position on the mattress slightly, pushing deeper inside me and reaching the perfect spot, which makes me gasp lightly and I instantly move faster.

He squeezes his eyes shut and based on the sheer solidness of him and the expression on his face, I'm sure he's reaching his peak already but he wraps his hands about my back and lies me down on the bed so that he can control the rhythm. With my back pressed against the mattress, he reaches up for my face, gently tracing his thumbs across my cheeks as he stares tenderly into my eyes, all the while pulling in and out gently. I kiss his nose and stroke his hair, not wanting to take a second of this forgranted and wishing I could carve it into my brain for eternity. He cups my breasts, his thumbs circling my nipples and causing them to tingle and I reach down, grabbing his buttocks in my palm, encouraging him to plunge deeper.

He knows my cues and does as I request, making slow and hard bursts causing me to throw my head back and groan with each thrust, making me beg for more. He buries his face in the nape of my neck and I push myself up, so that we're sat up together, me on top of him. I wind my hands about his neck, wrap my legs back around him and press my head to his as I once again take charge and move against him just the way I want. This time he doesn't resist and instead pounds into me more aggressively and with more speed, turning my groans into low moans. I pull at his hair and he bites my shoulder as I grind against him, forcing him ever deeper inside and with each shift of my body, my breasts rub up against his toned chest causing the desire within me to swell even more.

I moan his name repeatedly and he responds with mine, the both of us needing to know that we're still here and that this is really happening. My hair begins to wildly fling about as our rhythm increases and suddenly we fall backwards, with him on top of me, our movements not ceasing for even a second. Our bodies are slippy with sweat and the change in position once again allows him to reach me, which is exactly what he wanted and as he locates that spot he expertly grinds and slips in and out, hitting it exactly right each and every time causing the sweet sensations to increase with intensity.

Boy, he stills know exactly how to break me.

He knows I'm getting closer from the uncontrollable moans of "yes" and "oh, Stefan" that escape me and our bodies are so in sync that as my own body grows tense with the coil of built up pleasure, so does Stefan's and our muscles flex together, until he makes the final stretch, progressing to the next level and proceeding to use his vampire speed to crash into me harder and harder, faster and faster. It's so intensely, world shattering that every nerve ending from the tip of my toes to the top of my head explodes with rapturous, orgasmic pleasure and all consciousness evaporates as I squeal in delight, my entire body jerking violently against him. I make one final thrust against him and his eyes roll back in his head, one voluminous moan ripping it's way from his throat, followed by a serious of jagged grunts, as his world unravels and his body spasms with intensity. I dig my claws into his buttocks and pull him back into me, letting him rest in the perfect position so that ripples of pleasure continue to course through my body, causing me to involuntarily tremble beneath him.

We remain in each other's embrace, our bodies still reeling and then he falls forward, desperately kissing me, forcing his tongue into my mouth, as the euphoria continues to consume him as it does me.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he gasps against my mouth as his tongue twirls with mine.

Through the bombardment of lavish kisses and shuddered breaths I silently weep, overwhelmed with the sheer intensity of emotion that exists between us, because it is the most real, simplistic and beautiful thing. In this moment with our bodies entwined, hearts beating to the same rhythm and covered in each other's sweat, tears and saliva, we belong to each other in a new way and this time it's absolute. Nothing can ever sever the cord between our hearts, undo the merging of our souls or put an end to the eternal love we have for one another.  _Nothing._


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following their night of passion, Stefan and Elena are in a bubble of happiness, but that bubble is soon burst as reality catches up to them. Bonnie's death is the cause of heartbreak for the group and Elena struggles with the loss and guilt she feels. Damon tries to come to terms with Elena being back and the increasing likelihood that she is going to choose to be with Stefan. Later on, a surprise guest pays a visit to the Boarding House and Damon is made an offer he cannot refuse.

**STEFAN**

I'm awoken by bird song and sunshine streaming through the curtains and when I turn my head to see Elena's sleepy, doe eyes staring at me a content grin instantly comes across my face as I remember last night wasn't a dream. Elena's really back and all is right in the world once more.

"Morning," she says, running her hand down my chest and lifting her head to plant a soft kiss on my lips.

"Morning," I reply, stroking her cheek unable to tear my eyes from her.

She shifts closer to me so that her body is against mine and her head is rested on my shoulder and I wrap my arm about her holding her close. A soft sigh escapes both of us simultaneously causing us both to giggle.

"I forgot how good this felt," I say.

"Mmm, I know what you mean," she replies. "I wish we could just stay here forever."

"Me too," I admit. "I still can't get over the fact that you're really back. That you're here right now."

She smiles, but then a shadow of grief flickers in her eyes as she remembers the cost of her being here. I know it's selfish of me, but I don't want to face up to it yet because I want to cling to this perfect moment for as long as possible.

"I should get back home. I don't want Jeremy to wake up without me being there. He's gonna need me."

I sigh. "You know, we can find a way to get Bonnie back. Maybe there's another spell we can use or can find another witch or keep trying to find Silas."

She sighs mournfully and I place my hand on her face, prompting her to meet my eyes. "Hey, whatever happens I'm here for you, okay? We'll get through this together."

She nods, a small smile of gratitude and sadness on her lips.

"I'm just gonna grab a quick shower before I go," she says climbing out of bed.

I reach over, grab her hand and she swings round to face me. "I'll go with you, let's just have 10 more minutes"

"Stefan, I can't..."

"Just 10 minutes," I plead, looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.

She rolls her eyes, but gives into me and a smile comes across her face as I yank her back causing her to fall onto the bed with a giggle. I blow raspberries on her neck and chest, which causes her to cackle, then I move up to press my lips to hers. We're both so giddy with joy that as we kiss our teeth clash against each other from the smiles that are plastered on our faces. She winds her fingers in my hair and as my tongue dances with hers, flashes of last night to run through my mind, causing my heart to leap in my chest and my toes to curl.

I bury my face in her neck, lick her skin, stroke her hair and plant kisses over every inch of her face, desperate to make up for the endless weeks of separation, until she fills me up from the inside.

* * *

**DAMON**

I lie in the center of my four poster bed, staring up at the ceiling, the sound of Stefan and Elena's gleeful giggles and their lips smacking together echoing in my ears. I've been like this for the last 5 hours, paralysed by the shattering pain of hearing them whisper sweet nothing's in each others' ears and their moans and groans of pleasure as they made love.

 _That should be me_.

I'm the one that was willing to go to any lengths to help Bonnie bring her back and if it had been up to Stefan she would still be a rotting, lifeless corpse. Yet here I am, heartbroken, alone, the woman I love back in my brother's bed. I expected this and knew that the chances of Elena coming back to life and suddenly coming to the realisation that I'm the one she truly loves were slim to none, but the sacrifice of her being with Stefan was one I was willing to make if it meant she was alive. But now...part of me wishes she was still dead, and it's not even because I can't have her or that she wants my brother, but because I can't live with her hating me. I knew she wouldn't thank me for letting Bonnie die for her, but she should. After all, based on what I've heard she's happy and if she loves Stefan  _so_  much she should be grateful that she has the second chance to be with him, that  _I've_  given her.

Well, that Bonnie and I have given her. Poor Bonnie... I never thought I'd feel any sense of sadness or remorse for her death, but I do and some part of me deep down inside is cursing myself for pitying myself this much when I'm not the one that has really suffered. But the selfishness of my heart won't let me access that compassion and instead all I can do is wallow.

Every time I think I'm turning a corner where Elena is concerned I find myself right back in this bottomless pit of bitterness and despair and I'm  _so_  sick of it. I heard Elena plainly tell Stefan that she wants to be with  _him_ , that it was always  _him_ , that she will never stop loving  _him_ and it's not the first time she's said it, but I think last night was the first time I really  _heard_  it.

It's not in my nature to give up on love, which is evident from the 100 years I devoted to Katherine, but it doesn't matter how hard I try or how much I pray, Elena will never be mine, because just like Katherine, Elena recognises that Stefan is the brother more worthy of her love.

* * *

 **ELENA  
**  
When I finally manage to pull myself away from Stefan, still breathless and lightheaded from the passionate electricity jolting through my body, I pull one of his shirts over my head, grab a towel and head down the hall towards the bathroom, but not before stealing one final kiss. Part of me knows that this is wrong, that I shouldn't be this happy considering Bonnie is gone and I  _hate_  myself for it. The grief and guilt of Bonnie's loss and dread at facing Jeremy weighs down heavily on my heart but this is everything I've been waiting for for weeks and I can't help the grin that's still on my face as I practically skip down the hall, the smell of Stefan still on my skin, my nerves still tingling from the feel of his fingertips and my mouth is wet with traces of his saliva.

Damon emerges from his room suddenly and I collide with him, a grunt escaping me as the force of it causes me to stumble backwards. When I look at him, his bleary eyes are bulging in his head and his gaze sweeps up and down my body as he licks his lips. I insecurely pull down Stefan's shirt that is only just covering my buttocks and lower the towel in my hand in an attempt to cover the tops of my thighs. He stares at me so hard that it's almost as though he's staring right through me and my temperature soars as embarrassment and guilt overcomes me.

I don't know why I'm embarrassed, after all, Damon has seen me  _naked_ (the thought of that makes me shudder) and I sure as hell don't know why I feel guilty, considering he's the reason my best friend is dead. I guess it's because in spite of how enraged I am at him, I care about him and I know that he's suffered these last two weeks just as much as Stefan. He may not of shed a tear, but my death hit him just as hard and despite his unforgivable actions in regards to Bonnie, I understand that in his mind he thought he was doing the right thing and that he did it out of love. It's his twisted idea of love, but love nonetheless.

I can see in his eyes that he wants nothing more than to hold me so as to fully appreciate my being alive, but he remains stood firmly on the spot.

"Sleep well?" he asks, his voice high and his eyebrows raised.

All at once any shred of forgiveness or compassion that I might've been willing to show him is shattered and my anger returns.

"You have no right to judge me, considering you just helped to kill my best friend," I spit.

He rolls his eyes then says, "Need I remind you that if it wasn't for me helping to kill your best friend, you wouldn't be coming out of my brother's bedroom right now all rosy cheeked and grinning like a Cheshire cat."

I frown at him and shake my head in disbelief. I know this is how Damon behaves, that when he's in pain he acts out and makes things worse, but I'm still surprised by how low he manages to sink.

"Do you not feel even an ounce of remorse for what you've done? Are you really  _that_  cold?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"I dunno, maybe," he replies with a shrug. "But I know of a way you can warm me up. Come on, let me welcome you back properly."

He leans into me, wraps his fingers about my arm and pulls me lightly towards his bedroom. I wriggle from his grip, frowning in horror as I say, "Get off me, Damon."

"Why? Bed hopping between Stefan and I has never bothered you before. Why break the habit now?"

A conniving smile comes across his face and I clench my fists, attempting to restrain from punching him square in the face.

"My best friend is dead, but you still find a way to make it all about you and your feelings."

"Bit hypocritical, don't you think? Considering you've been rolling around with Stefan when your so called  _best friend_  is dead," he snaps.

His words are like a punch in the gut as the guilt resurfaces once more.

"This is all because you're jealous!" I retort, the pain of his words causing me to revert to being childish and petty.

"You know what? I  _am_  jealous," he admits, with a gesture of his arms, getting closer to me. "And do you know why? Because I still love you, although at this point I'm coming up empty as to why."

All at once my rage fades to give way to pity, as I hang my head then reply softly, "Damon, you can't keep doing this; lashing out at me for not feeling the same way as you. I'm...Stefan and I are back together...I love him and that isn't going to change. So  _please_ , tell me what I need to do. What will put an end to this? What will make you happy?" I ask exasperated.

I can't deal with this anymore. I died -  _twice -_ now Bonnie's dead and Jeremy needs me, but there's no point in walking away from without even attempting to resolve this, because Damon will just keep coming back like he always does, because no matter what I do or say, it doesn't seem to resonate with him that I've made my choice and it's not him. I know that it's my fault that he can't let go, because I gave him hope - when I kissed him, when I danced with him, when I slept with him and when I told him I loved him - and that's why I'm asking him now what I can possibly do to fix this, to finally give him peace.

"What would make me happy is that all that time when you were with me and telling me that you had feelings for me, that you loved me, that it was  _real_. What would make me happy is for you to want to be with  _me_ , for you to be coming out of  _my_  room wearing  _my_  shirt and smiling because of  _me_."

I shake my head. "Damon, you...you shouldn't say things like that."

"Why because you're with my brother? That's never stopped me."

By now I'm not even the slightest bit angry, I'm tired. Tired of hearing the same bitter and hateful words, tired of this cycle of negativity and pain, tired of him altogether.

"No, because of the sire bond," I state calm and collected.

"Sire bond..." he scoffs and tuts under his breath. "If there was such a thing as the sire bond do you really think we'd even be having this conversation right now?" he questions.

"It was real when I couldn't feed from blood bags and when I killed Connor and when I abandoned the people I loved in the middle of a life threatening fight," I retort, hand on hip. "And you seemed to think it was real when you were searching for the cure."

"Maybe I was just looking for the cure because I thought it would earn me some brownie points."

I scowl at him, then twist around and continue down the hall, having reached my limit.

"Nice to have you back, Elena," he calls after me snidely as I speed out of the corridor and into the bathroom slamming the door shut behind me.

* * *

**STEFAN**

Not wanting to interfere in the conversation and allowing Elena to stand her ground with Damon like I know she can, I wait until I hear the door close behind Elena and the second I do, I march out of my bedroom and straight up to Damon, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and pushing him up against the wall.

"What the hell do you think you're doing talking to Elena like that?" I growl.

"Oh, so you're talking to me now?" he comments sarcastically. "I have to tell you, I find this whole protective boyfriend thing so sweet."

I shake him violently and say through gritted teeth, "I mean it, Damon. Whatever has been going on with you and Elena, it's over now. She made her choice."

"You know, if I didn't know better I'd say you were threatened by me," he says squinting his eyes and pointing at me.

I drop him down onto the ground and back away from him, an exhalation of frustration escaping me. What's the point in getting angry at him, in scalding him? All that's doing is giving him what he wants; a reaction, and besides all this is is him dealing with his broken heart in the only way he knows how, by taking it out on those closest to him. I need to push aside any burning anger, choose to see past his actions and help him.

"For once in your life Damon, make a choice with your head instead of just acting on emotion and instinct."

"Are you really lecturing  _me_  about choices? About acting on emotion and instinct? Hah!"

"I'm not lecturing you, Damon, I'm trying to help you. I know you're hurting and I get it-"

"Do you?"

"Yeah, I do. In case it slipped your mind, I had my heart broken by Elena and you too. But I'm saying this to you as your brother now, not Elena's boyfriend, you need to stop this."

"I don't need to listen to this," he says turning on his heel and going into his bedroom.

"Yes you do," I say speeding in front of him and blocking his way. "You spent 160 years waiting for Katherine, don't make the same mistake again. I know you, Damon, better than anyone and despite everything you've done and all the sick stunts you pull, you're better than this," I say gesturing up and down at him. "And you deserve something more than this, but I don't think you think you do and that's the problem."

"You think you've got me all figured out, huh? What are you gonna start talking about next? My childhood? My daddy issues?" he mocks, still attempting to maintain his mask. I can see it slipping, the hint of hurt behind his eyes has become more prominent now and there's a change in his tone of voice that only I, as his brother, recognise as being filled with pain.

"It's almost like you keep clinging to all of this bad stuff in your life because you  _want_  to be punished. I know you love Elena, but is it really worth this? You're miserable."

"Oh and I suppose you'd just walk away from Elena if she chose me, right?" he bites.

"Yeah, I would. I'd walk away from Elena in a heartbeat if it was doing to us what it's doing to you, because some things are more important than love, Damon."

"Is that so?" he mocks.

"What use is loving someone if it doesn't work? If all it does is cause you pain? Love's supposed to make you better, happier, stronger."

"Like Elena does for you?" he asks in a patronising tone.

I ignore his snarky response and simply say, "I know somewhere deep inside that you don't want to keep doing this, but you won't let yourself let go. If Elena dying taught us anything it's that life is too short. We may be vampires, but we're not really immortal."

"How profound. One night back in the sack with Elena and you're a changed man, eh?

I sigh and reply, "I'm serious, Damon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Because I don't want you to and I wouldn't want to either."

"What do you want to spend your life like, brother?" he asks folding his arms.

"With Elena."

"What keeps nagging at me is the irony of you trying to tell me I should walk away from Elena because all we do is cause each other pain and misery, given everything you two have put each other through," he challenges.

"You're right. I broke her heart and she broke mine more than once, but Elena being back has changed everything. With what happened with me losing my humanity, then her turning and you and-and her..." the thought of the two of them together still makes my stomach churn, "...we were in a such a bad place, worse than we'd ever been and we never really got chance to fix it, but we've got that chance now and I...we," I correct, "... _really_  want it."

"So all that stuff you said was crap?"

"No, it wasn't," I reply with a shake of my head. "Because, yeah, Elena and I hurt each other, but that happens in every relationship."

"So when you hurt each other it's all fine and dandy and true love? But when it's me I should just cut and run, is that it? Why is it so different just because it's you?"

"Because she loves me," I state bluntly. " _That's_  the difference, Damon. I know she's told you and you don't want to hear it so badly that you do everything you can to ignore it and pretend, but she loves me and I love her. We want the same thing; to be together and be better and I want it to be different this time. I want to build something real with her, I want us to be happy and-"

"And you want me out of the picture because I'm a threat," he finishes.

"No, because you're my brother and I want you to be happy too," I say truthfully.

He hangs his head as though a bombardment of emotions has swept through him.

"And partly, because I want you out of the way," I add making an attempt at a lighthearted joke.

He lifts his head and this time I can see that I've broken through that hard exterior. Strange that of all the things I've said, it's me vocalising that I actually care for him and want him to be happy that evokes an emotional response.

"And what about the cure? Is that part of your happily ever after?"

With everything that's been going on, the cure has gone from being the top of my priority list to the bottom. I haven't even had time to think about it and right now, I can't think about it because Bonnie's gone and Elena, Jeremy and Caroline need me to be there."

"So you're gonna leave the cure in Katherine's hands? What happened to wanting to find it, because of all the trouble she could cause?"

"After everything that's happened, I'm not going to do something else that's puts us in danger and going after the cure right now is a risk I can't take."

"You mean, you're going to let Elena stay sired to me? You sure you wanna do that?" he challenges, arching one of his eyebrows, the facade returning.

I laugh lightly and scratch the side of my head, then reply, "I'm not worried. I know what you're like, what you're capable of when it comes to Elena, but I trust her and I know that as much as you try to hide it, losing her changed you, just like it's changed me and you won't overstep the boundaries with her anymore."

"And what makes you think that?"

"Because if you were going to you would've done it already. You could've used the sire bond to get her to do what ever you want, but you haven't."

"Yet," he remarks.

I shake my head. "You haven't used it and you won't, and do you know why?"

"Nope, but I guess you're going to tell me."

"It's because you love her too much to be selfish with her now."

He meets my eyes and I can see that I've revealed his inner truth aloud and he doesn't like it.

"And guess what? You love me too much to do it too."

"Whoa, now don't be getting all cocky," he says holding up his hands and taking a step back.

"You say you hate me and a lot of the time it's probably true, but I think seeing how much it broke me when Elena was gone and how happy I am now I'm with her again, has made you realise that you wouldn't want to be the one to take that from me." I walk up to him, so that I'm looking him straight in the eye and add, "So no matter how much it kills you, you'll do the right thing this time, because you have to do right by me and Elena."

He holds my gaze and then he lets out a loud exhalation. "Well, well, well, that was some psychobabble."

"You only make jokes because you can't stand anyone knowing how much you feel, but I do know and I know you couldn't stand to admit that you actually care about me or maybe that you even need me, but you do."

He throws his head back and laughs lightly.

"It's okay, brother, I won't tell anyone," I reply playfully.

He glares at me for a few moments, but I'm sure I can see a small smile brewing just beneath the surface.

"But seriously..." I sigh, reaching out and placing my hand on his shoulder. "I know it's in your nature to be a dick, but I know you don't want to be and you don't have to be. Elena dying and coming back...it's a fresh start for all of us. We've been so afraid of being stuck, of being cursed to repeat history, but it's a choice. It's  _our_  choice, yours and mine."

I look at him expectantly and wait for another snide remark, but he stares at me completely awe stricken, then his eyes fall to the ground and I add, "I'm not asking you to leave Mystic Falls and go to the other side of the world, or to never see Elena again, all I'm saying is you have a choice. I chose Elena and she chose me, but what are you going to choose, Damon?"

His gaze flits up from the ground to meet my eyes and I can see they're brimming with tears, anxiety and despair and before I even have time to think I pull him into a my arms with a vice-like grip.

* * *

**ELENA**

Stefan came to the bathroom and found me standing in the shower sobbing, as the emotions of dying and coming back to life for a second time, losing my best friend, re-uniting with Stefan, arguing with Damon and having to face Jeremy unexpectedly exploded out of me. He stripped off, climbed in with me and held me in his arms for countless minutes, the stream of hot water flowing over us as my body shook uncontrollably beneath his. Then he massaged shampoo into my hair, slathered my body with soap and I let him, appreciating this final moment of tranquility before going home to Jeremy.

Once we've showered and changed, we grab a couple of blood bags from the cellar, then take off in my car for the house. Despite wearing a blue shirt of Stefan's that's three sizes too big, having not even a shred of make-up on and my hair tied into a damp, messy ponytail, I can feel Stefan's eyes on me for the entire journey.

"It's gonna be okay," he says softly, gently squeezing my thigh as we pull up onto the drive.

I bite my lip and nod, then we climb out and head inside. The contours of Bonnie's body can still be seen through the moss green blanket that covers her and I feel my throat tighten, causing me to involuntarily gasp. I double over and Stefan is behind me in an instant, his hand on my back, making sure I'm okay.

"I'm...I'm fine," I lie.

"Jeremy's still sleeping. Maybe you should go to him alone."

"What?" I exclaim, the thought of being without him for even a moment filling me with anxiety.

"Look, I'll be right here if you need me," he says taking my hand. "Okay?"

I meet his gaze uncertainly, but nod and let go of Stefan's hand, before climbing the stairs, daunted by what's about to come. When I step into Jeremy's room, he's still laid in the exact same position I left him last night. Boy, those must've been some strong sedatives! I hesitate for a moment, remaining in the door way, tears welling up in my eyes and my hand over my mouth as I envision Jeremy's reaction when he awakes to see my face and then realises the consequences of my being alive.

I take a deep breath and remind myself that this is my responsibility. Bonnie made the hardest, most selfless it's possible to make when she cast that spell and the least I can do is be the one to tell my brother that she's gone. With Bonnie in my mind, I proceed towards the bed and sit beside Jeremy. I lean over him and gently shake his arm in an attempt to wake him, but he doesn't respond. I try again more forcefully, and still not even the flutter of an eyelid. The third time I call his name in his ear and a low, soft moan comes from him, causing my heart to jump.

He comes to slowly, the sedatives clearly still having a hold of him and all I see at first is a slit in his eyes, as he tries to pry them open. I know the exact moment that he realises it's me because he spasms violently and throws himself backwards so hard that he crashes into the headboard of his bed violently.

"El-El-Elena? But how-how...? What-? How-? Is this real?"

Seeing his eyes, brown like mine, staring back at me causes my heart to explode with joy. "It's me, Jer. It's really me. I'm here, I'm real," I say, my voice coarse as the tears instantly begin to fall.

He stares at me completely dumbfounded, but it only takes a moment for a huge, toothy grin of delight to come across his face as he practically falls on me, gripping me so tightly that I can't breathe.

"I can't believe you're really here!" he exclaims. "I can't...I can't believe it...I can't believe it..." he mutters over and over again over my shoulder. "I missed you, I missed you..."

"I missed you so much, Jer," I reply my face nuzzled into his shoulder.

We're both so caught up in seeing each other again that we momentarily forget the sacrifice that was made in order for me to be here, and I only remember when I feel Jeremy's body go suddenly rigid beneath mine. He pulls away from me and his wide, anxious eyes meet mine, as he realises that which I have not yet had the chance to tell him.

"Bonnie..." is all he manages to choke out.

I hang my head and bite my lip, then the joyful tears I was crying moments ago give way to frantic grief stricken sobs.

"No, no, no, no, no...no, no, no..." he says over and over and over, as though he can't and won't believe that she's really gone.

"I'm sorry, Jer. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..." I whimper, looking up at him and pleading with him to forgive me for being the one alive in Bonnie's place.

"Where is she?" he asks.

"Wh-what?" I stammer.

"Where is she?" he asks again climbing from the bed and heading for the door.

"She's-she's downstairs, but..."

He sprints out of the door and I call after him, "Jer, I don't think you should... Jeremy!"

I use my vampire speed to block his way, but he demands that I move and proceeds to use all his strength to lift me up and move me out of his way. When I get downstairs, he's already standing over the couch where Bonnie is laid. I meet Stefan's eyes across the room and I stand by and watch as Jeremy pulls back the blanket.

Bonnie's face is devoid of emotion, of life and her once rich skin has already started to look pasty, her lips are ice blue and I squeeze my eyes tight shut, still unwilling to face the reality of her death. I hear a dull thud accompanied by panicked breathing and gasping and when I open my eyes Jeremy is on his knees before her, staring down at her, his face so contorted with pain that he looks like a stranger.

"How could she do this?" he asks quietly. "How could you do this?!" he then screams again this time at Bonnie directly. "How could you? You...I...I loved you and you...you just left me."

"Jer..." I say softly coming up behind him.

"No, Elena! It's not fair! Why is it always Bonnie that has to make the sacrifices, huh? It's always her, never anyone else."

"I know. Do you think I wanted her do to this for me? I would give my life up for her in a second if I could. I never wanted her to die, especially not for me. She's my best friend," I explain.

"Look, we're not giving up on Bonnie," Stefan says stepping forward. "Jeremy, listen to me. There was a way to bring Elena back, that means there's a way to bring Bonnie back. We'll find it, I promise."

"How? How are we gonna find it, Stefan?" he exclaims getting to his feet and turning on Stefan. "What's the point? What's the point in bringing her back just so she can keep being used for her magic to die a few months later in some other sacrifice? Maybe she's better off dead."

His words feel like a stab to the gut. "Jeremy, don't..." I say softly shaking my head. "You know you don't mean that."

He meets my eyes, then tilts his head to the side and his lip trembles for a few moments before he falls to the ground, descending into sobs. I step forward and practically catch him in my arms, falling to the ground with him in my embrace. He reaches for me, clinging to me desperately and my heart breaks all over again just for hearing his wails of despair. My own pain I can handle, but seeing my little brother like this...it  _kills_  me, especially since he's suffered more loss than anyone should have to endure. When Vicki died I was able to take his pain away through having Damon compel him, but that isn't an option this time, so I keep my arms about him, and rock him back and forth in an attempt to comfort him, although nothing can ease the agony of losing Bonnie. We remain in each other's embrace and seeing Bonnie's pastel blue face over Jeremy's shoulder, causes my chest to tighten so much that it's difficult to breathe and we cry together for the loss of the, courageous, selfless and beautiful Bonnie Bennett, whose absence has punctured a hole at the very center of our world that will remain for the rest of eternity.

* * *

**DAMON**

My conversation with Stefan is on repeat in my head and the more I go over it, the more I itch to speak to Elena. She's been gone for two weeks and as much as I may pretend otherwise, I've missed her so much that it physically hurt and whilst there's still some stubborn part of me that is furious that she would place blame on me for Bonnie's death, there's another part that just wants to appreciate the fact that she's back and whilst I'm not ready to let go of her completely as Stefan suggested I should, I'm ready to let go off this persistent dark cloud hanging over our heads and finally get back to a good place with her.

I reach for my phone that's laid beside me on the bed and write a text to Elena. Usually I would call, but I know she's at home with Jeremy and interrupting her time with her brother would only be something else for her to add to the list of reasons to hate me. The text simply reads:

"Elena, I'm sorry about everything. I really need to see you, call me when you get this."

I don't bother checking over the text and sent it the second it's typed out, afraid that if I hesitate for even a second my unflinching desire to be right and win every argument I'm a part of, will prevent me from being the mature headed man I need to be.

It's strange because all I've wanted since the moment Elena died was for her heart to beat again, but it hasn't even been 24 hours since she's been back and I'm already in a worse place than I have been in weeks. How does she do that? No one else has that power over me. If every person on planet earth hated me I wouldn't care, but when it's her it tears me up inside. Before she died Bonnie asked if I would be able to handle having her hate me and I said I could, but now I just want it to stop. I'm used to Elena being mad at me, in fact that's how we work, with me doing something erratic and foolish and her tutting and scalding me for my childish and irresponsible ways, but this is different.

Bonnie was her best friend and although I didn't kill her with my own hands, I stood by and watched as she cast the spell that would end her life, surely that makes me just as responsible? As much as I hate to admit it, I think it does. I've been so determined to stand against Elena and refuse to let her make me feel guilty for being the only one to have the guts to do what needed to be done to bring her back, but somewhere deep inside I think I know that what I did was wrong. Not only because it hurts Elena and Jeremy, but because Bonnie didn't  _deserve_  it.

I cringe at myself and wonder when I became so freakin' righteous. I've killed more innocent people than I can count over the years, some even more pure, innocent and moral than Bonnie, yet I can't seem to shake that nauseating sense of guilt. I think of Bonnie on the Other Side isolated and completely alone and right now, I actually think I'd switch places with her if given the chance because I'm so exhausted. At every turn there's something else to drag me down and I don't have the strength to keep struggling for the surface anymore. I'm drained, my limbs are growing heavy and all I want to do is drown so that it will all be over.

My phone goes off and I practically pounce across the bed to retrieve my phone. I open the text from Elena that simply reads, "I need time," and then throw my phone across the room with a frustrated yell. It could've been a lot worse and I know given the circumstances it's a positive response, but all it's done is confirm that I need to get away.

Stefan seems to think I can change, that I can be better and find happiness if I'm willing to let go, but he's wrong because I  _can't_  let go, but I can run. I clear my drawers and wardrobes, stuffing everything into bags and then take off downstairs with one bag on each shoulder and a third hanging off my wrist. I grab for my car keys off the coffee table, but just as I'm reaching for the handle of the door someone bursts through and has me around the throat and up against the wall before I even have chance to react.

Cold, hard, pastel blue eyes are locked on mine and as I struggle for breath I gasp out, "Klaus? How-how...?"

"Did I get out? You tell me, because last time I saw of your brother, he left me there to rot."

Suddenly the realistation hits me and my eyes widen.

"So..." he tuts, "...care to explain?"

"Bonnie, she...she's dead."

He lets go of me and I cough and splutter, rubbing at my throat to relieve the pain.

"What?!" he roars causing me to flinch.

His jaw is clenched and he rubs at his chin, takes a deep breath then says calmly, "That's unfortunate, since she was the only hope of getting my doppelganger back."

"It happened last night we...Wait. If you escaped last night why are you only here now?"

"Because I after weeks of being held captive, I had things to do, including ensuring Rebekah is secure and most importantly, digging about Silas."

"Digging? What do you mean? What did you find out?" I ask curiously, the hope of him existing and being able to bring Bonnie back being ignited.

"Ooh, so you want answers, do you? Perhaps then you and your precious friends shouldn't have lied, manipulated and imprisoned me for countless weeks, resulting in both Bonnie and Elena dying. Really, the only relevant question at this point is WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL BREATHING?!" he roars running up at me until my back is pressed against the wall again.

It never ceases me to amaze me that the volume of his voice can increase by a thousand decibels in less than a second. I should tell him that Elena is alive, but where I would usually stand up to Klaus and be determined not to show even a shred of fear, I stand paralysed and speechless, my body shaking beneath me.

"Who-who told you about Silas? Maybe they got it wrong, maybe-" I stammer.

"Oh, they didn't get it wrong, Damon. I've told you before, I have contacts," he replies stepping away from me and going to the living room to sit on the couch, his temper cooling as quickly as it erupted. "A witch I know is a decendant of the witch Qetsiyah, the witch that created the cure. I'm sure you're familiar with the story from Shane. She fell in love with a vampire, so created the cure so they could live their lives together as mortals, but when her coven learned of what she was about to do - of her betryal of falling in love with a vampire, the natural enemy of the witches - they imprisoned her and publicly staked Silas before her eyes, then they buried the cure in some chambers on an island in Nova Skotia where no one would ever find it."

"So he's real? Shane was right?" I ask my voice high with surprise.

"No, Shane was wrong," he states. "Silas  _did_  exist, but he's nothing more than a dead vampire that's been rotting under ground for over 2000 years."

The wave of disappointment that washes over me at knowing any chance of bringing Bonnie back has been obliterated takes me by surprise, but I conceal it and say, "Well, then, it's a good job we don't need Silas."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he questions.

"Elena's alive."

"What?!" he exclaims, his eyes practically popping out of his head. "Elena's alive?"

"Bonnie didn't just die, she died casting a spell to bring Elena back. She traded her life for Elena's."

"And you wait until now to tell me?" he asks through gritted teeth.

"You didn't give me chance," I exclaim. "But you know now. Bonnie's dead and Elena's alive."

He examines my face intently, then initial shock fades to give way to a frown and then mouth pulls up into a smile. "Ahh, you helped her to do it? You helped the witch cast the spell and now Elena hates you." he says with a chuckle and shake of his head. Being alive for over a thousand years means that his ability for reading expressions and body language is second to none. Usually I can hide my true emotions from everyone, including my own brother, but with Klaus I'm completely transparent. "Am I sensing some remorse there, Damon? Surely not."

"Look, if you're going to kill me just do it," I reply irritably. "Get it over with, because death would be less painful than having this," I retort.

He lets out a booming chuckle. "I'm not going to kill you, Damon. It did cross my mind, but it might surprise you to know I'm not the monster you would paint me to be. Besides, if you're telling me the truth and Elena really is alive-"

"She is," I interject.

"In that case, it's your lucky day, because there is something I want more than revenge," he states.

"And let me guess, you want me to help you? Why?"

"Because you see, I had a plan - just like I  _always_  have a plan - and that plan was to get my hybrids. The first part of my plan was to find a witch that could bring Elena back, but since that's already been done I can skip to the second part."

"Which is?"

"Finding the cure. Since Elena is alive and well, I'm going to find Katerina and retrieve the cure."

"Why would I help you with that?"

"Because by the look of those bags over there," he says gesturing into the hall where my bags lie scattered over the floor, "along with Stefan and Elena's absence and Bonnie's death at your hands, I'm assuming that not only has the lovely Elena has reconciled with Stefan, but that you're also not the most popular of vampires in Mystic Falls right now."

I sigh and scowl lightly at him, frustrated still at his sixth sense for these things.

"So, since your bags are already packed and you have past experience dealing with our lovely Katerina, I believe in this instance you could actually prove useful. So... what do you say, Damon?" he says getting up from his seat and looking at me expectantly, waiting for my response.

I'm determined to say no, after all I don't care about the cure anymore and I certainly don't want to do anything to help Klaus, but I find myself standing from my seat, meeting his eyes and giving him a firm nod as I reply, "I'll do it," which causes a snide and victorious grin to come across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I slightly altered the origins of the cure and the Silas/Qetsiyah plot to suit the story. It's pretty simple so hopefully there's no confusion, but if there is I'm willing to clarify any questions you have.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena and Jeremy try to deal with their grief over Bonnie's loss. Damon sets off on a road trip with Klaus for the cure bringing him face to face with an old flame. Stefan and Elena grow closer as they support each other through a difficult time.

**ELENA**

After a night of hearing Jeremy's sobs from behind his locked bedroom door, I fell into bed with Stefan drained, only to wake up the next morning to Matt at the front door.

"Matt," I gasp surprised to see him, but step forward and hug him nonetheless. "What are you doing here?" I ask as I pull away from him.

"Jeremy called me. He told me what happened, everything that I've missed while I've been gone," he replies, his cold eyes fixed on mine.

"Matt, I..."

"Why the hell didn't anyone tell me? I know I'm human and I know that means I get overlooked and sidelined, but I at least-"

"Hey, Matt, don't take this out on Elena," Stefan says coming up behind me and placing his hands on either sides of my shoulders.

"You're right, I shouldn't, because since she was  _dead_ I can't exactly blame her for not calling," he snaps, his voice harsh.

Last night was exhausting, filled with endless hours of agonising sobs and unparalleled grief and I don't have the energy to face Matt's anger. Stefan can sense that as he steps in front of me, gently pushing me behind him, placing himself as a barrier between me and Matt.

Jeremy comes bounding down the stairs then, passing by Stefan and I in a gust of wind as he throws himself violently into Matt's arms a loud cry escaping him. All at once any frustration or blame Matt just harbored is obliterated and he begins to weep along with Jeremy, just as I did last night. Since we were kids we've all been so close; me, Jeremy, Matt, Caroline, Bonnie, Tyler and the loss of one of us affects all of us both individually and collectively and seeing Matt's grief too along with Jeremy's is too much to bear. Part of me is glad to have received the text from Caroline yesterday telling me she was going away for a few days to see Tyler, because I don't think I could take seeing her pain too, especially since she of everyone is probably the one closest connection I have to Bonnie.

As Jeremy and Matt continue to cling to each other tightly, Matt's face buried in Jeremy's shirt, I instinctively shift closer to Stefan and he places his hand on the back of my head, bringing me in so that my head is rested against his chest. I close my eyes and reach my hand up to cling to his shirt, his presence being the only ounce of comfort available to me in this ocean of despair.

When the two pull apart, Matt's teary eyes meet mine and I let go of Stefan and go over to him, wrapping my arms about his back and holding him close. After a few moments Jeremy comes up behind me, encircling us both in his embrace and the three of us cling to one another, the sounds of our sobs mingling together.

Jeremy is the first to let go and Matt follows suit, then Jeremy says, "Matt, maybe we should go somewhere..."

I look to Jeremy surprised, not wanting either of them to leave at a time like this and reply, "Do you really think that's a good idea right now?"

"I need to talk to Matt alone. To fill him in," Jeremy answers.

Matt is my childhood sweetheart and best friend and all Jeremy used to be was my annoying kid brother that tagged along wherever we went, but I can see that as the two of them have matured and become men their friendship has extended beyond that and there is a bond that exists between them that I'm no longer part of.

Stefan comes up beside me and places his hand on my waist, then says, "I think that's a good idea."

I sigh inwardly, knowing that in this instance I need to let go, even if I don't want to and so I simply meet Jeremy and Matt's gaze and nod. Jeremy dashed upstairs to grab his phone and Matt comes over to me and whispers in my ear, "We'll be okay. I'll look out for him."

I smile and nod, knowing that Matt will look after Jeremy and provide him with comfort, perhaps even more than I'm able to and he leans in and plants a light kiss on my cheek just as Jeremy returns.

The second the door is closed behind them, I let out an exasperated groan and flop down onto the couch. In an instant Stefan is perched beside me, his leg resting against mine and his palm rested on my thigh. A moment ago I didn't want Jeremy and Matt to leave, but now they are I have to admit that a part of me is relieved.

"How you holding up?" Stefan asks, as he gently strokes my hair.

"Honestly? I'm not," I admit, having no desire to withhold the truth from him. "I don't think I'm really adjusting to the whole being alive again thing."

"Give it time, it's only been two days."

"Seeing Jeremy and now Matt...it's made it all so real. Bonnie's really gone and I feel so guilty."

"You have nothing to feel guilty for," Stefan says, always my defender.

"Stefan, Bonnie gave up her life so I could have mine and look at me. I'm wasting it by feeling sorry for myself and complaining. I don't deserve to be here instead of her."

"Elena, you just went to hell and back, you deserve a few days to just...feel and to readjust."

"But that's the problem, I don't  _want_  to feel..." I say, my voice cracked. "...because I'm scared. I'm scared, that if I feel anymore pain that I'll just crumble and I won't be able to come back from that."

The sobs breakthrough mid way through my sentence and I fall forward into Stefan's arms. He shushes me softly, kisses my head and we remain in silence for a few minutes until he reaches for my chin, encouraging me to look up at his face.

He wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his hand, meets my eyes and says, "Listen to me, Elena. After everything you've been through you're still here. You've survived everything that's ever come your way and you'll survive this too, because you're strong."

I shake my head. "No...I'm not," I whisper.

"You are. You are," he insists. "Do you know how I know? Because you make me strong, you carry me."

I scoff lightly.

"You do. That night when Klaus compelled me to turn off my humanity, the only reason I was able to hang on is because of you. I know how easy it is to give up, to give into that temptation when you're a vampire and flip the switch, shut it all off, but when you have something to live for, like I had you, it's not so easy."

I absorb his words and they resonate with me deep inside. I hadn't consciously considered flipping the switch on my humanity after witnessing first hand what it did to Stefan, I would never willingly succumb myself to the darkness like that, but I'd be lying if it hadn't crossed my mind if only for a second. Maybe it's an instinct as a vampire to avoid the pain, to ensure we remain in our prime as predators without the interference of emotions and it's an instinct I think would only grow stronger if it wasn't for Stefan pulling me back. He says it's me that keeps him strong, but he doesn't realise that it's the other way around.

"Thank you," I say, my voice still thick with tears.

"What for?"

"For being here for me."

He tilts his head to the side and gives me a look that says, "I will always be here for you," and I lean in and kiss him gently.

Our relationship was ripped to shreds when I became a vampire, I thought I'd completely destroyed any glimmer of love Stefan had for me when I slept with Damon it and that everything we had and everything we were was lost forever and it was, because what we have now feels different. The obstacles that have been propelled at us have forced us to search deep inside ourselves and the conclusion we've both come to is that regardless of what happens we love each other and that love is so powerful that it's worked miracles.

* * *

**DAMON**

After making a hasty exit from the Boarding House with my bags, Klaus and I proceeded to the airport where he compelled us two seats on the next flight to Willoughby, Pennsylvania. I'd never been there or even heard of it before, which immediately begged the question why would Katherine be there? I challenged Klaus on it immediately telling him that anywhere that wasn't considered glamorous, exotic or thrilling isn't a place Katherine would be seen dead in due to the risk of tarnishing her gleaming appearance, but Klaus rebutted by reminding me that she eluded me for over one hundred years when I thought she was in the tomb and insisting that I don't really know her at all, only he and Elijah do. I left it at that knowing that as stubborn as I am Klaus' stubbornness is three fold and because for once I didn't have the energy to engage in petty disputes.

That happened sometime last night, on the flight from Virginia to Philadelphia and now I'm waking up to a bland, dingy motel room with a lingering scent of staleness and mold. Klaus was adamant that the second the flight landed we should jump in a car and drive straight for the small town of Willoboughy located 10 miles from the airport, but this time I fought him insisting that if we were to face Katherine we both needed rest and to acquire every bit of strength we had. Klaus didn't like that because it was a clear affront to his superior physicality, but I managed to sway him by reminding him that the key to success is a well developed plan, which we would only have adequate time to make if we made a stop for the night.

Although vampires are able to function with limited rest, there is nothing more draining that emotional turmoil and I've suffered plenty of that these passing weeks, which is probably why the last memory I have is glancing at the clock hanging on the wall which read 11:05pm before I passed out from exhaustion. I peer over at the twin bed to my left and see that it's neatly made as though it hasn't even been slept in and I groan lightly. Why did I ever agree come on this godforsaken trip? I don't even care about the cure anymore. The only reason I came was out of desperation to get away from Stefan and Elena for a couple of days, mostly because I'm hoping the distance will be enough to repair some of the damage present between us.

I pull my phone out from the back pocket of my jeans that are in a scrunched up ball on the floor and a remember exactly why I came when I see that I have no texts or missed calls from either Stefan or Elena. Just as I'm about to dial Klaus' number he bursts through the door of the room, swinging a set of keys around his finger.

"Come on, get your arse into gear, I've got us a hire car waiting outside," he says.

"I need to shower and eat first," I reply through yawns.

"Luckily, I've got the second taken care of," he says with a smile, before opening the door and calling outside, "Come on in, ladies."

Two young women dressed in navy waitress uniforms, step over the threshold in a dazed state. I stare at Klaus with a frown etched on my forehead and he titters lightly then says, "Oh, come on, Damon. Elena's not here now."

Any time he mentions Elena is causes my body to involuntarily jerk with unparalleled rage, but I fight with all my might to conceal it and instead I step forward, reach out for the young brunette and pull her into me, sinking my fangs into her neck.

Leaving behind the bloody and lifeless bodies of the girls, we jumped into the car and took off for Willoughby. I'm an adrenalin junkie at the best of times and enjoy hitting the acceleration pedal forcibly, but with Klaus in the drivers' seat we fly so quickly that the view out the window is nothing more than a series of grey, green and blue blurs. Despite having been in each other's company almost continually since we left Mystic Falls, we've barely even had a conversation, both of us completely content with our relationship status of loathed enemies and having no desire to change that. The only time we speak is when we're exchanging practicalities or when he's making some snide comment about Elena and Stefan in an attempt to rile me up.

"So you still remember the plan?"

"Considering we've been over it all of 50 times, I'd say yeah," I reply sarcastically.

"Good, because if you mess this up, you'll have officially crossed the line into completely useless and killing you will no longer just be a fantasy of mine, but a reality."

I roll my eyes at him, then lean forward and turn the radio up full blast so as to prevent there being any further talk between the two of us. I'm tired of his endless empty threats. I know how hollow unpredictable and evil he is and I know he hates me as much as I hate him, but I also know that if he intended to kill me or anyone else I care about he would've done so the second he was released from that prison, but he didn't because for whatever reason he believes that we all have a use or maybe, just maybe, his feelings for Caroline have made him question his morals, just as my feelings for Elena have made me question mine. Whatever the reason for his actions, I no longer fear for my life when I'm with him because despite his insistence that he and Elijah are the only ones that know Katherine, there is a reason he brought me along on this trip and as it's certainly not just for the sophistication and satisfaction of being in company, it's something else.

* * *

**ELENA**

In the two hours that Matt and Jeremy have been gone Stefan and I have done nothing but lie in each other's arms on the couch, consume endless cups of coffee and pretend to listen to the TV on in the background. Stefan gets up from the couch, announcing that he's going to whip us up some dinner and I nod and tell him I'm going to go upstairs to be alone for a while. He nods understandingly and reminds me once again that he's here if I need him and I proceed to head up to my room.

I go over to the shelves, where the ceramic mermaid that has always been my diary's hiding place sits and retrieve my diary from underneath. I open to the next blank page, scribble today's date in the top right corner, then hover the pen over the page, before discarding it, an agitated groan escaping me. What am I supposed to write? There's nothing to say. I'm alive, Bonnie's not and it's killing me. This entire diary is nothing but pages dripping with anxiety, grief, anguish and bitter reminders of the past that haunts me everyday. I throw it across the room, letting out an angry yell and then throw my head down onto the bed, my sobs stifled by the mattress. I punch the bed repeatedly and writhe and scream in anger at the pattern of loss and destruction that seems to have taken over my life, I wail in pain for the loss of the best friend that I loved more than anything, I cry pitifully with the regret of never being able to thank or repay Bonnie for her selfless and brave sacrifice and I yell in frustration that once again I've succumbed to the whirlwind of emotions inside me, that have not only weakened me but temporarily stripped me of who I am.

I don't want to keep doing this. Of letting my pain eat me up from the outside, of reserving it for the pages of a diary and stewing in it until it takes me over. I lost myself when I became a vampire and whilst Stefan and I were separated and that's something I was only just starting to recover from before I died and now...I'm back to where I started.

I don't know what to do or how to get back to where I was, back to normal, but I refuse to let death do to me what it did the first time. Bonnie may be gone but I still have Caroline, Tyler, Matt and Jeremy; Stefan and I are back together and I'm alive. No matter how easy it is to give into the sorrow and pity, I can't do it, because Bonnie gave up her life for this; for me to be alive and breathing. I may not ever be able to thank her face to face or give her what she's given me, but I can certainly honour her sacrifice and ensure it wasn't in vein by appreciating what I've got and making the most of it.

I lift my face from the bed, sit up, wipe my wet face with the backs of my hands and then look up to the ceiling and whisper softly, "I'm sorry, Bonnie. I promise, I'll do better, I'll be better. I promise."

It may be my imagination or because I want it to be true, but the moment the words have left my lips I swear I can hear voice reply with, "It's okay, Elena. It's okay." It sends shivers down my spine and I instantly jump up from the bed, the hairs on my body standing on end.

Suddenly I see cloud mist appear, that begins to take shape and disappears to reveal, a pair of sincere and gorgeous green eyes, reflected with tears that are locked on me.

I gasp and clasp my hand to my mouth. "B-B-B-Bonnie?" I whisper in disbelief.

"Wait. You can see me?" she asks surprised.

"What-? Bonnie...how...?"

"I don't know!" she exclaims joyful tears and laughter escaping her simultaneously.

Any fear or apprehension disappears completely and I join in with her immediately, my own tears falling, our gleeful giggles chorusing together.

"All that matters is that you can see me."

"I can see you," I reply, stepping towards her and reaching my hand out. It falls through her and the smiles fall from our faces in an instant as I realise that this isn't real,  _she_  isn't real.

I step back and close my squeeze my eyes tightly shut.

"Elena, what are you doing?" she questions.

"I'm stopping this. You're not real. I can only see you because I want to see you. This isn't real."

"Elena, listen to me. This is real. I'm here. I'm on The Other Side, just like you were. I've been with you the entire time, trying to get you to hear me but-"

My eyes fly open and I look at her in shock as I interrupt with, "Wait. You're on The Other Side?"

"I'm a ghost," she answers with a nod. "I don't know...I guess it's some sort of side effect of the spell. It must've linked us together. That's why you can see me."

"So I'm not imagining it?"

She shakes her head.

"I can really see you?"

She nods. "You can really see me, you just can't touch me because we're in different dimensions."

"Oh, my god, Bonnie," I gasp through cries, finally accepting that this is real and she is here. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," I say over and over. "You shouldn't be...I should be...You don't deserve..." I attempt and fail to form a sentence through my sobs that are growing with intensity with each word I speak.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for, Elena. I knew what I was doing and I did it because I  _wanted_  to, because you're my  _best friend_  and you matter more to me than me. I had the power to bring you back, did you really think I wouldn't use it?"

"But...look at me," I say looking down at myself. "You gave your life up for me and I'm letting you down."

She steps forward and reaches her hand out as though to stroke my face, but then it falls to her side when she realises she can't. "No...you haven't," she says softly. "You're strong, Elena Gilbert, stronger than you realise. You've been through more than most people have in a lifetime and you're still one of the kindest, sweetest and bravest people I've ever known."

"I'm not, I'm not," I reply shaking my head. "I'm gonna mess everything up. Jeremy's already pushing me away and I don't know what to do or how to be there for him."

"Give him time. He's hurting and he's confused."

"And he hates me because I'm a living breathing reminder that the girl he loves is dead."

She shakes her head. "Elena, Jeremy loves you. He loves you more than he loves anyone and he might not know how to show it, but you being back means everything to him. It means everything to me, and that's why I don't care if you get sad or angry or if you make mistakes. You don't have to live a perfect life, Elena, you just have to live. That's all. Can you do that for me?"

I nod.

"And promise me that you won't blame yourself for what happened and that you won't blame Damon either."

"I...I don't think I can do that," I admit.

"Elena, it's no one's fault. I made this choice on my own. Damon barely even helped."

"But he  _did_  help," I say my voice suddenly sharp. "He helped you to die and I can't let that go, Bonnie. Not yet."

She sighs. "You know me, I'm hardly Damon Salvatore's number one fan, but somewhere deep down inside there's good in him. He didn't feel good about what he was doing, I saw the guilt in his eyes, but he did it because he loves you."

"Damon, guilt?" I question skeptically.

"You know he feels it. You wouldn't care about him if he didn't."

I sigh mournfully. "This is really want you want? For me to forgive Damon?"

"No, what I want is for you to be  _happy_ ," she corrects. "But that can only happen if you let go of this thing with Damon. You and Stefan are back together now, right?"

I hang my head, a flush of embarrassment going through me at the thought of Bonnie witnessing mine and Stefan's night of erotic passion.

"Yeah...we are," I reply quietly.

She smiles. "I know how much you love him and how much being with him means to you, but do you really think you'll ever be able to be happy with him with this whole Damon thing hanging over your head? Just let it go, let  _him_  go and maybe he'll finally be able to move on too."

"I will," I say, wiping my nose and nodding firmly. "I promise I will, Bonnie. I can't believe this..." I say shaking my head and putting my hand to my head. "I can't believe this is really happening. Will I always be able to see you?"

A flicker of uncertainty comes in her eyes, but she takes a deep breath and says, "Even if you can't, I'll always be with you."

I hang my head and bite my lip, then look up to her and say through tears, "I love you, Bonnie."

She does a half smile and takes a deep breath, fighting against the tears that threaten to spillover, determined even in death to remain strong.

"I love you too."

More than anything I want to hug her one last time, but knowing that's impossible we simply reach our hands out to one another, until our fingertips are overlapping and we smile at each other, warmly, rivers of tears flowing down both of our faces, as Bonnie too loses her resolve.

* * *

**STEFAN**

Amidst the clatter of pots and pans and my tuneless humming, I hear Elena's voice and debate whether or not to go up to her. I'm feeling desperately clingy and even her being upstairs is causing me discomfort, but I know I have to respect that she needs time and space. I pour the pasta into the pot of boiling water, cover the lid, turn the dials down on the cooker so that the bolognese is simmering gently and groan lightly, before heading for the stairs, unable to fight the urge to check on her.

Her bedroom door is ajar so I can see her stood at the end of her bed, her hand outstretched in mid air and her face saturated with the tears she's crying. I rap the door lightly which causes her to jump and I take a small step forward so that she can see me.

"It's okay, it's just me," I say softly. "Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

She stares at me intently and blinks rapidly, then suddenly exclaims, "Oh, Stefan," before throwing herself into me so hard that I stumble so far backwards that I almost go over the banister in the hall.

"Whoa, whoa, what is it? Is everything okay?" I ask clinging to her tightly.

"It's better than okay," she says pulling away from me to meet my eyes. "I can see Bonnie, Stefan."

She's giddy and delirious, and I stare at her wide eyed for a few moments before tilting my head to the side and reaching out to gently stroke her hair behind her ear.

"Elena, it was just a dream."

"No, it wasn't. I can really see her, Stefan. Bonnie said that the spell must've linked us somehow so I can see her on The Other Side."

I frown at her and half shake my head as I say, "That's impossible."

"I thought the same. I thought I was going crazy when I first heard her voice, but I know that it's really her. She's standing here right now." She points beside us and I peer over at the empty space, still skeptical.

"Stefan, I'm not crazy," she insists firmly seeing the doubt on my face.

"Hey, I didn't say you were," I reply.

"Then tell me you believe me."

"I...I..." I stammer.

She sighs disappointingly, then lifts her head and says, "Bonnie says there's a way we can prove it to you."

"How?"

"Stand across the other side of the hall and face me," she says placing her hands on my shoulders and pushing me away from her. "Do it."

Despite not understanding what I'm doing or why, I obey and stand the opposite side of the hall.

"Okay, now put your hands behind your back."

"Ele-"

"Just do it," she instructs.

I sigh and obey once more, then ask, "Now what?"

"Now, hold up your fingers and Bonnie will tell me how many you're holding up."

"Elena this is-"

"Stefan, please," she says with a glare.

I hold up seven fingers behind my back, my skeptisim still in full swing and only seconds later Elena responds with, "Seven."

I shake my head in confusion and assume it must just be a coincidence and change it so I'm holding only two fingers.

"Two."

I change it to ten.

"Ten."

I change it to four.

"Four."

I continuously change it with rapid speed and each time Elena manages to correctly recite the number of fingers I'm holding up, until I'm forced to believe her.

"Oh, my god..." I whisper under my breath.

"See, I told you I wasn't lying."

"You can really see her?"

She nods, a sad, smile on her face.

"Okay, thanks, Bonnie," Elena suddenly says into thin air.

"Wha-?"

"She's going to check on Jeremy and Matt," she informs me, filling in the blanks.

She walks into her room and plonks herself on the bed and I sit beside her.

"I can't believe this," I say, still unable to wrap my mind around the mysticism that exists in the world. "How do you feel?"

"Honestly...I don't know," she admits. "I mean, I can see Bonnie and that's great but it's...it'll never be the same as her really being here. I guess, in a way it's just a reminder that she's gone because of me."

"Hey, Bonnie doesn't blame you. No one does. I bet she told you that herself."

She nods. "Yeah, she did. Before I saw her I was trying to write in my diary, but I didn't know what to write."

"Is that why it's been throw across the room?" I ask looking over at the diary that lies on the floor.

She chuckles lightly and replies with, "Yeah."

I sense that there's something troubling her, which she all but confirms when she sighs deeply and turns to me.

"Since I've been back I've been questioning everything," she admits her head low. "And now being able to speak to Bonnie...I've realised..."

The worry instantly takes me over and I can't help but pull away from her slightly as I ask, "Is this about me?"

"What? No, no," she exclaims leaning into me and reaching for my face. "Stefan, no. It's about me. I've already wasted so much of my life being scared, being sad and when I became a-a vampire, I completely lost who I was. For months all I've done is just survive and I haven't even done that very well, but I...I don't want to do that anymore. I  _can't_ because Bonnie died to give me my life back. I can't disrespect what she's given me by doing what I've been doing."

I nod and continue to listen intently.

"I know that right now everything's so...up in the air, but I'm here and I'm with you and I'm so happy."

"You are? Because I meant what I said before. If us being apart is what you need to get back on track and get your head sorted. I don't want you to be with me because you think you have to. I'll-"

"Stefan, Stefan..." she says softly, shaking her head and turning my face around so that our eyes are locked. "I don't want us to be apart, okay? Ever."

"You don't?"

She shakes her head and replies, "Of course not. Stefan, I love you and finding my way back to you is just about the only good thing that's happened to me since I turned. You make me feel happy and strong and when I'm with you, I'm...I'm me and with you by my side I know that it'll all be okay. That  _I'll_  be okay."

She smiles warmly at me, but my doubts linger still as I ask, "Do you really mean that? Because I don't want you to say it if you don't mean it. You mean more to me than anything and I want you to be-"

She silences me with a kiss, which instantly causes me to swallow my words and for my breath to catch in my throat.

She leans away from me, a smile on her lips and asks playfully, "You were saying?"

A grin instantly comes across my face and I reach my hand up to stroke her face tenderly.

"I love you," I say, my heart contracting with the sheer intensity of those words which come from the very depths of my soul.

I lean back into her, kissing her with a feverish passion that best shows the complexity of my feelings for her.

* * *

** DAMON **

We arrive in Willougby shortly after midday and the town is everything I imagined it would be; quaint, average and the last place on earth I'd expect Katherine to inhabit.

"Well, here we are," Klaus announces slamming shut the car door.

"Yeah, here we are," I repeat. "And why are we here again exactly?"

"How many times, Damon? Katerina has a knack for choosing rinky dink towns where she can establish herself and she's nothing if not sentimental."

"Sentimental?" I scoff.

"She shared a rich romantic history right here with Elijah and if I'm right, she'll be here."

"But that's just the problem, isn't it? What if you're not right?"

He suddenly speeds around from the drivers side of the car and grabs me around the throat, lifting me from the ground and thrashing my back against the car so hard that my body indents the metal.

"I told you, Damon,  _do not_  question me."

As he clings to me, his grip loosens slightly and his eyes fall shut as though he's lightheaded. I frown in puzzlement and push him away from me and he stumbles back instantly.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine!" he bursts.

"Whatever," I shrug. "You forget, Klaus, that I don't care if Katherine's here or not.  _You're_  the one that wants the cure, I'm just along for the ride."

"Oh, yes," he says putting his finger in the air. "This is you running from Stefan and Elena. Shame you can't run from your own feelings."

"Who says I can't?" I challenge.

He shakes his head and tuts and I swing around, scanning the town that is fairly busy with people going about their daily chores.

"So what now?"

"Now we find her."

"And how do we do that?"

Suddenly he lunges forward, grabbing the middle aged man that is passing by us.

"What-what-what do you want?" the man asks, trembling with fear.

"Where is Katerina Petrova?"

"Wh-wh-who?" he stammers.

I roll my eyes, sigh and step forward grabbing Klaus' hands so that he loosens his grip on the man's jacket.

"Let me handle this," I say shooing him aside with a gesture of my hand. "Katherine Pierce, ever heard of her?" About yay high," I lift my hand to just below my shoulder, "long dark hair, high heels, red lips, conniving bitch."

"Kath-Katherine?" he questions recognition in his eyes.

Klaus' eyes widen in triumph and he steps forward, "Yes, you know her?"

"Well, yes, everybody in town knows Katherine."

"Where is she?" I ask.

"I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to tell anyone."

I groan, throw my head back, then lean forward and fixate my eyes on his as I attempt to compel him.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell anyone," he repeats again in a daze.

"Sneaky bitch compelled him. Probably compelled the whole town," I say turning round to face Klaus.

"Here, move. This needs an Original touch," he says throwing my out of the way.

"You will take us to Katherine Pierce and you will do so without question," he instructs.

The man blinks a few times then nods and simply says, "Yes."

Klaus peers over his shoulder at me, a smug grin on his face and I glare at him with loathing.

With instructions from the strange man we picked up in the street we proceed about a half a mile out of the high street and pull up outside a house in the suburbs.

"No way, I'm not buying it," I say peering up at the traditional house lined with white wooden planks and with a porch similar to the one on Elena's house.

"I compelled him and this is where he's brought us. Now shut the hell up and get inside. With any luck she's here."

"What do we do about him?" I ask gesturing at the man sat in the back shivering.

Klaus shrugs then grabs the man forward so that he's wedged in the gap between the driver and passenger seat and drains him dry in a matter of seconds. Klaus pushes him back into the back seat, then looks at me his eyes still glowing yellow and his fangs dripping with blood.

"Guess that's taken care of," he states.

We climb out of the car and speed up the porch, bursting through the front door, no tact involved. We step into a living room that looks as though it belongs to a 60 year old pensioner, with a green couch covered with a patterned quilt, an aquarium situated behind it and shelves of books, along with antique wooden furniture. Soft classical music plays in the background and my senses tell me that we're not alone. I know Klaus senses the same because when I meet his eyes, he jerks his head to the side, encouraging me to search down here whilst he goes upstairs. The sound of creaky hinges echo through the house from a door being opened at the back of the house and my body instinctively jerks as Katherine steps into the room from a door at the far end of the room.

She drops the glass of red wine in her hand, her jaw drops open in horror and her entire body trembles as she states Klaus' name.

"Hello, Katerina. Long time no see, eh, love?"

I've never seen Katherine so terrified because she's usually the one evoking that fear in others with her cruel, ruthless and harsh actions. She remains paralysed for a moment then suddenly takes flight, but before she manages to leave the room or before I've even had chance to react Klaus has pounced across the room and has her pinned to the floor by the throat.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon finally has the cure within his grasp but it's not what he expected and doesn't bring him the closure he wanted. Elena continues to deal with the aftermath of Bonnie's death and tries to be there for Jeremy. Stefan is concerned about Damon having left town, but is determined to keep his focus on Elena. Damon finds comfort in the unlikeliest person and discovers that the pull of first love's never truly dies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit sexual content featured with dom/sub undertones.

**DAMON**

Katherine doesn't fight against Klaus' grip and he straddles her, his legs either side of her, his hand on her throat and the weight of his body pressed down against hers as he looks her squarely in the eyes.

"How did you find me?" she asks through grunts.

"You forget that I know you, Katerina, more than you'd care to admit."

"You don't know me," she replies her voice strained due Klaus' tight grip on her throat. "No one does."

"No? Well, I know my brother and he's really not as good as he thinks at keeping secrets, especially not from me. I knew all those years that he was sneaking out to meet with you and I also know that this little town happens to be party to a number of your little rendezvous."

I didn't realise the extent of Katherine and Elijah's romantic history and for some unknown reason I feel a stab of jealousy run through me at hearing it that disappears as quickly as it strikes.

"But enough of that, that's not why I came."

"No? Then why did you come?"

Klaus chuckles lightly. "You know exactly why I'm here." He leans even closer into her and she tilts her head to the side and I can see her entire body squirming with disgust and revulsion at being able to smell Klaus' breath. "Katerina..."

"You can't compel me, I'm on vervain" she states suddenly before he can say another word.

I'm in awe that even when faced with the one she fears above all others and has spent 500 years running from, she still manages to display that same sense of bravery and defiance that is typical of her.

"Oh, love, I don't need to compel you to get what I want, because you'll willingly give it to me."

He climbs off her and gets to his feet, but Katherine remains lying on her back on the floor looking up at him through narrowed eyes.

"Come on, get up and take a seat," Klaus tells her gesturing at the table in front of him.

She gets up, pulls out a chair and flops onto it and folds her arms like a disgruntled, hormonal teenager that's about to get grounded for not doing her homework.

"Damon," Klaus regards me and gestures for me to seat at the seat opposite from Katherine.

She looks to me and for some reason it causes my stomach to churn with nerves, but I go over and perch myself on the seat, feeling as though I am a victim along with Katherine rather than party to this interrogation.

"Now, I don't know exactly what you're planning to use the cure for - although I have a few ideas - but what I have to offer is better."

"Oh, yeah? Go ahead," Katherine replies gesturing her hand out for him to continue.

A smirk comes across Klaus' face, he places both his hands flat on the table and leans over both of us, his eyes fixed on Katherine.

"The cure in exchange for your freedom."

The words instantly cause Katherine to jerk her head up to search Klaus' face for any sign of manipulation or dishonesty and she bites her lip hard. Her eyes flit across to me and it's almost as though she's looking to me for support and guidance.

"No catch?" she asks after a prolonged period of silence.

Klaus shakes his head. "No catch. Just hand over the cure and I will never come looking for you again. I'll let go of everything that's happened in the last 500 years and you'll be free to go wherever you want with whomever you want without having to look over your shoulder, always waiting in fear for me to show up."

Her eyes flit about in her head as though she's trying to process the words, but can't and Klaus adds, "This is a once only offer."

She looks at me again and despite how much I've grown to loathe her, for some reason in this instance I feel a need to protect and help her. Maybe it's because her lip is quivering slightly just as Elena's does when she's anxious, temporarily blurring the lines between the two of them.

"I'm getting impatient. Do we have a deal or not?"

She meets his eyes, then simply jerks her head to the right in the direction of the living room. I turn my head to look and can't figure out what she's gesturing at, but Klaus does and straightens up, his eyes wide. He speeds over to the back of the couch, where the fish aquarium is and dunks his hand in it.

"Ahhhh!" he screams out in pain, ripping his hand out frantically. The skin on his hand and forearm is burned and red and an amused smirk comes across Katherine's face as she says, "Sorry, forgot about that."

Klaus lets out a growl in her direction, then calls over to me, "Damon, get it."

"What? No!" I exclaim. "It's full of vervain."

He struts over to where I'm sat, grabs the back of my shirt and yanks me up forcefully until I'm on my feet then drags me over to the aquarium. "Do it," he orders through gritted teeth.

I sigh, roll the sleeve of my leather jacket up and then take a deep breath before plunging my hand in quickly, reaching for the treasure chest that sits at the bottom as quickly as possible. The vervain is excruciatingly painful, but it's only a matter of seconds before my hand is clutching the chest and I instantly pull my hand out, throwing the chest from my hand.

Klaus sprints across the room, jumps up and catches the chest in his hand with one smooth movement. I shake my hand violently in an attempt to get any excess liquid off my arm then proceed to frantically wipe my skin across the sofa. Klaus wipes off the chest with the table cloth, then rips it from the table. With fresh human blood in my system, I heal quickly and walk back over to the table just in time to see Klaus open the lid of the chest and pull out a small vial filled with thick red liquid with a tint of orange running through it.

He holds it up to the light and turns it around in his hand examining it as though it is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and I stare up at it in confusion.

 _"That's_  the cure?" I can't help but ask, completely underwhelmed.

We've given everything these passing weeks to dedicate ourselves to finding the cure and this is it? Some pathetic, tiny vial?

"But that's..."

"Not what you were expecting?" Klaus questions.

"No. I thought it was a cure for vampirism.  _All_  vampirism. By the looks of the amount of liquid in there, that's only enough to cure one vampire."

"Oh, Damon, Damon, Damon," Klaus says with a shake of his head and a light laugh. "I told you the real story of Silas, or have you forgotten already?"

"No, I remember."

"Then you'll recall that the cure was invented with the purpose of stripping him of his immortality so he could spend a mortal life with his love Qetsiyah. It was made for that sole purpose, which means it was made for one vampire and one vampire only."

I put my hand to my head and sigh deeply, wondering how I could've been so naive and blind to believe it would be a  _real_  cure for all vampirism.

"Do you think it would matter about getting this if there was more than one? If it was a recipe on how to cook up a cure? This is so valuable because it's the only one in existence and how it was made is unknown. This is it, Damon. We have what we came for. This is the cure."

He looks from me to the cure, a victorious smile plastered on his face and then out of the corner of my eye I see Katherine throw her seat to the ground and dash for the back door. Klaus' reflexes are so astounding that he has her by the hair and standing beside him before I've even had time to move a muscle.

"What do you want?" Katherine shouts. "I gave you what you wanted, you got the cure and now I'm free."

"I'm a man of my word, Katerina, but as I recall you aren't a woman of yours. How do I know this is the real cure? It could be a fake or a decoy."

"Well...it's not. And anyway, do you really think I'd be stupid enough to give you a fake? That I'd risk my freedom for that?" she retorts.

"And I'm supposed to just believe you?"

She sighs and rolls her eyes, the gestures at the bookcase we're standing next to and says, "The fake's in there."

Klaus releases his grip on her and she immediately steps into me, getting too close for comfort and Klaus begins ripping the books from the shelves and discarding them on the floor, to reveal a large black safe.

"What's the combination?" he asks.

She stands on the spot, her hands on her hip and her lips pursed and I grip her arm tightly. "The combination," I warn through gritted teeth.

She shrugs from my grip, sighs and then divulges it. Klaus types it in and a few seconds later a beep is accompanied by the door swinging open. Klaus reaches inside and turns around, holding a small transparent vial filled with red liquid. He pulls the cure from his back pocket that I just retrieved from the aquarium and although at first glance the two look identical, it's clear to see that the vial from the aquarium is more damaged, with dents on the outside and the liquid is also a deeper shade of red, with an almost mystical orange center, unlike the one from the safe that is one shade of blood red.

"Told you I wasn't lying," Katherine says.

"What's in here?" Klaus questions holding up the vial from the safe.

Her eyes fall to the ground, a smile comes across her face and I nudge her hard in the side.

"Cherry soda," she replies.

I can't help but smile and Klaus says, "Is that so? Well, there's only one way to find out." He tosses it to Katherine and she gasps, but catches it. "Drink it."

"What?" she exclaims through a frown. "No."

"If you're telling us the truth and it's only cherry soda, you have nothing to worry about, right?" I say from beside her, attempting to override the humanity that is swelling within me and revert back to the role of villain.

Klaus nods and grins with approval and Katherine proceeds to pull the lid out of the top and down it on one.

"Open up," I tell her.

She opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue to prove that the liquid is all gone and I lean forward to smell her breath. The sweet, sickly smell of cherry hits me and she tilts her head to the side as she says, "See, I told you I wasn't lying."

I look to Klaus and says, "It's cherry soda."

Klaus nods satisfied, but then steps back over to Katherine and says, "And this is the only fake?"

She nods.

"If I ever find out you're lying Katerina, you will experience wrath unlike that of which you could ever possibly imagine."

"Like I said, why would I lie? I've ran from you for 500 years, Klaus and I'm tired. I wanted the cure, but I want my freedom more."

He scrutinizes her for a few seconds, then steps aside, gesturing outwards. "Very well, you're free to go."

She sighs with relief, walks forward, glances over he shoulder at me and I nod in the direction of the door. She takes off and just as she's about to leave out the door, Klaus calls, "Oh and Katerina? Say hello to Elijah for me."

This time she doesn't look, back she just takes off and disappears completely out of sight. Once she's gone Klaus turns to me and lets out a chuckle, but despite the fact we've succeeded in our mission, I can't seem to break a smile.

"Why the long face? We got what we came for."

I nod and force a small smile.

"Now that we've got the cure I'm gonna take off."

"Take off? Where? Back to Mystic Falls?" I inquire.

"No, I'm going to find more wolf packs. No point in having my doppelganger human again if I don't have any wolves to turn."

I nod and he pulls the cure out from his pocket once more, as though he can't believe he's really got it in the palm of his hand. I reach out to take it from him but he whips his hand back sharply.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he exclaims.

"Taking the cure," I state casually.

"Why?"

"Because we're done and I'm going back home."

"And?"

"And you're going to find your wolves, so it makes sense for me to take the cure back to Mystic Falls with me, that way I can give it to Elena and your precious doppelganger will be all good and ready for you by the time you make it back."

He laughs and shakes his finger in front of my face. "I don't think so. Just look at what happened last time you tried to take control with Shane. Elena died and then Bonnie died. No, no, no, I'm keeping this until I'm able to deliver it to Elena myself. I'm the only one that can ensure her safety which is something you bafoons have already proven."

I sigh and shake my head with frustration. When I agreed to come on this trip I didn't care much about finding the cure, but now that we actually have it, I'm so desperate to bring it to Elena myself and for her to know that I was the one that actively helped get it and that I did a good and selfless thing to give her her life back because just maybe that will be enough to make her forgive me.

"I'll be back in Mystic Falls in 7 days and in the meantime you don't tell anyone about this trip or the cure. Do you understand?"

He sticks his bony finger in my face and a warning scowl is on his face as repeats more firmly, "Do you understand?"

I look down at his finger, then back up at his face and reply, "I understand."

He drops his finger, smiles and then finishes with, "Good. Now that that's all sorted, I'll be leaving. Try your hardest not to be your usual self and mess everything up."

* * *

**S** **TEFAN**

At around 6pm I begrudgingly leave Elena to go back to the Boarding House to grab some more clothes and check in on Damon. He's an adult and my older brother, but I still feel a responsibility to keep an eye on him and it's a responsibility I assume without even realising.

Elena is reluctant to separate from me as I am from her and on my way out she desperately clings to my waist and smothers me with kisses. The second I'm in my car driving towards the house I feel cold without her by my side. It's incredible how natural everything is with her, how easily the two of us have slipped right back into being each other's - although I'm not sure if we ever truly stopped being - and the routine and pattern we've already adopted of being together constantly. For someone looking from the outside in, they'd probably conclude the the amount of time we're spending together is unhealthy, but I don't care because I want it and as long as she wants it too, I will be right there with her whenever I can.

The second I step over the threshold of the Boarding House I can sense that it's been vacant for a while. The living room and hall are strangely cold due to absence of the roaring fire that has been replaced by black ash and embers, the cabinet holding the tumblers of bourbon have scarcely been touched since I left, there are no dirty glasses on the coffee table and even the kitchen is spotless.

Despite knowing he's not here I call out Damon's name and when there's no reply, I take off upstairs and head for his room. Up here there's more signs of his presence, with empty bourbon bottles scattered around the foot of the bed, creased bed sheets and open drawers with clothes half strewn out and wardrobes with the hangers sticking out at weird angles.

I sigh deeply not liking the sight of this and take my phone out of my pocket and dial his number. He doesn't answer the first time and I don't leave a voicemail because I need to speak to him directly. So I keep redialing his number until he answers, which he does on the fifth attempt.

"Just so you know you can leave a message," he calls down the phone. "Finally noticed I was gone, huh?"

"Where the hell are you?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's no need for that tone of voice, I'm a mature adult, I can do whatever I want."

"I'm serious, Damon, where are you? Now's not the time to go off the rails."

"You really need to stop worrying so much, brother. I know we're immortal but doesn't mean we're immune to getting grey hair. Look, long story short, Klaus got out and-"

"What?!" I exclaim. "When Bonnie died it broke the spell," I state, filling in the blanks aloud. I throw my hand to my head as I realise how careless I've been to have overlooked something as important as this.

"Yeah, forgot about that little detail amongst all the dream, didn't we?"

"But you're okay?" I ask, concerned.

"I'm fine and dandy, brother. All he did was stop by the house to fill me in on the true story of Silas."

"The what? I thought we were done with all this stuff with Silas," I sigh.

"Me too, but Klaus was a little...behind on the news and didn't know any of the stuff that had been going on, so he went to do his own digging."

"And? What did he find out?"

"You really want me to go into all that now?" he asks exasperated.

"Yes, Damon, I do."

He groans. "Well, he just found out that this witch Quitsy-something, I dunno, made this cure for Silas because she loved him and they wanted to have a human life together and blah blah blah. Anyway he gets sacrificed by her coven of witches when they find out and then the cure is hidden underground. Something like that."

"So we were right?"

"Yep. All that stuff Shane said about Silas was crap. Told you I was always right."

I can hear the smugness in his voice and it annoys the hell out of me, but I keep my cool and ask, "So where are you now?"

"Oh, I dunno. In some bar in some random town."

"Why'd you leave?"

"Why do you think?" he replies. "Thought you and Elena would appreciate the time alone, and anyway, you clearly haven't missed me, you've only just noticed I'm gone."

I feel a sharp pang in my stomach and I'm not sure if it's guilt or upset or a combination of both.

"I know it can't be easy trying to deal with all of this, but just...don't do anything stupid, Damon."

"Would I do that?" he asks and even over the phone I know he's smiling that mischievous grin of his.

"I'm serious, Damon!" I exclaim in an unexpected fit of frustration. "I lost Elena, I don't...I can't lose you too."

My words seem to stun him into silence and I feel my face flush with embarrassment at my sudden outburst.

"I'll-I'll call you when I'm coming home," he says, all joking and humor having completely left his voice.

I hang up and clutch the phone in my hand, take a few shaky breaths in and then start tidying Damon's room, in an attempt to soothe myself.

* * *

**ELENA**

With Stefan gone I take to the kitchen, raid the cupboard and fridge and attempt to throw something together for dinner. Culinary skills have never been my forte and despite overseeing many of my dad's wonderful recipes and concoctions over the years, I seemed to barely learn anything from it and my cooking extends to beans or cheese on toast and on a special day, a microwave curry.

However, I need to keep my hands and my mind busy, so I turn on the stove and get cooking, although I have no idea what I'm doing. Jeremy has been out with Matt all day and I've refrained from texting, knowing that I need to give Jeremy time and space to come to terms with Bonnie's death in his own way, as Stefan said, but it's not easy. When it comes to Jeremy I automatically adopt a hands on policy and can't help but throw myself into any situation that concerns him, whether it's my place to or not. I guess, that's the role of overprotective big sister that's in my blood.

Jeremy and I have always been close, and although we've had our tiffs and times when we've kept secrets from one another, I still thought that we were close enough that we would stick together during this difficult time, but already Jeremy has completely cut me off and seems to prefer Matt's company over mine, which is proven by the text I receive from him 15 minutes into my cooking, informing me that he's staying with for the night over at the Lockwood Mansion with Matt.

When I read the text I sigh deeply and discard my phone onto the work surface. I try to focus my attention back on the cooking, but I'm too upset and my eyes keep tearing up, so I throw the spoon down, letting out a frustrated groan. The door starts to knock then and twist around, wondering who it could be. After turning off the stove, I go to answer the door and I'm greeted by Caroline and Tyler's friendly faces.

"Caroline, Tyler," I exclaim with relief and joy.

"Hey," Caroline beams and I lean into her, the sweet, familiar scent of her hair product, overwhelming me as I nestle into her blonde curls.

I loose her and Tyler steps forward and takes me into his strong arms. It's been so long since I've seen him and although he is probably the one out of my group of friends that I'm the least close with, I've missed and I only realise now that I see him again.

"Come in, come in," I say stepping aside, so excited to see them that I momentarily forget about the things that were haunting me just seconds ago.

They go over and immediately sit on the couch, having been in my house enough times that they're completely comfortable.

"What're you doing back so soon? I thought you weren't coming back until school started back up?"

"Matt called us to say he was back and we thought it would be good if we were all here together considering...everything" Caroline replies hanging her head.

Tyler reaches for her hand and entwines his fingers with hers, and whatever difficulties they were facing in their relationship seem to have been healed by Bonnie's death, just as mine and Stefan's have been. Maybe because they realised like us that life is too short not to be with the one you love.

"Have you called Bonnie's dad?" Caroline asks.

I stammer incoherently, ashamed that through my own grief I'd forgot that Bonnie still has family left in this world. But as quick as the guilt rises, anger replaces it as I realise how little Bonnie's father has been part of her life.

I shake my head. "He won't even notice she's gone, he's never took any interest in her," I snap, then I wonder if Bonnie's right here now listening and feel guilty that those words might cause her pain.

Caroline sighs deeply.

"Besides what are we supposed to tell him? What are we supposed to tell anyone? If it gets out that Bonnie's dead, there'll be a postmortem and what are they gonna find? That a healthy 18 year old girl's heart just stopped without reason or cause? There'll be a police investigation and then what? What do we tell them? That Bonnie was a witch and cast a spell to kill herself to bring her vampire friend back to life?"

It all falls out of my mouth in one rather frustrated rant and once I've finished I take a deep breath and Tyler and Caroline are staring at me.

"I'm-I'm sorry..." I mutter. "It's just...hard."

"Where is she?" Tyler asks.

"Stefan put her in his family crypt."

Caroline sucks in deeply and shakes her head. "It's not fair. She didn't get the life she deserved and now she can't even have a normal death. We have to hide her like she's a dirty secret, we can't even have proper funeral."

"No, but we can remember and celebrate Bonnie ourselves without all of that because she was our friend and we'll always have her with us. And even if we can't have a funeral, Matt's arranging a memorial," Tyler says.

"He is?" Caroline turns to ask him.

He nods. "I wasn't supposed to say anything yet, until he'd spoken to Jeremy about it, but he wanted us to all be together and to be able to say bye to her properly. We all need that."

Caroline nods and leans her head into Tyler's shoulder. For a split second I'm sure I see the vague image of Bonnie's face overhead, but it disappears the second I focus on it. I haven't seen or spoken to her since yesterday and I'm beginning to wonder if the connection we had was only temporary. I've been trying not to think about it, because if that's true, it'll be like losing her all over again.

"It's a good idea," I say. "Matt's right, we do all need to say goodbye."

"How's Jeremy?" Tyler asks.

"Not too good," I admit. "I haven't really seen him since Matt's. He's pushing me away, I think maybe he blames me for being here instead of Bonnie."

Caroline shakes her head firmly. "That's not true, Elena. You're his sister and he loves you."

"I know, but he loves Bonnie too." I shrug then add, "I dunno, I'm probably just being overprotective. Stefan said he needs to deal with it in his own way, so I'm trying to take a step back."

"That's probably best," Caroline says.

"Don't worry, Elena, we'll look out for him," Tyler says.

I nod and give him an appreciative smile, then the two of them get up from the couch and announce that they should be going so that they can unpack their stuff. I plant a kiss on their cheeks, thank them for coming, stand on the porch to wave them off as they pull off the drive and the second they're gone the cold emptiness returns once more.

Just on cue my phone begins to ring and when I see Stefan's name an uncontrollable smile comes across my face.

"Stefan, hi," I say answering the phone in record time.

"Oh, hey," he says, clearly not expecting me to have answered so speedily. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise I'd be this long. Just had to straighten a few things out here."

"It's okay," I lie.

"Damon's not here."

"Where is he?" I ask.

"Said he needed to get away for a couple of days, he left town last night."

"Oh," I simply reply, not knowing what else to say.

"The spell sealing Klaus in his house has dropped because Bonnie's..." he trails off not knowing how to finish that sentence, even though the word he's looking for is "dead".

"Stefan?" I say, urging him to stop, not wanting to hear anymore. "Can I-Can I just come over? Jeremy texted to say he's staying over at the Lockwood Mansion with Matt and I...I just want to be with you."

He sighs softly, then replies with, "Sure."

I get to the Boarding House in record time, let myself in through the front door and sprint into the kitchen where Stefan is cooking, throwing myself into his arms. He turns around just in time to catch me and I cling to him tightly.

"I missed you," I whisper against his neck.

He chuckles lightly. "It's only been a couple of hours, but I missed you too."

I get on my tip toes, kiss him desperately and he begins to laugh against my mouth before gently pushing me back. "Elena, Elena, Elena," he says as I scramble to resume the kiss. "I'm cooking dinner."

I lean around him, turn the stove and the oven off, then turn back to him and say, "And now you're not."

I kiss him again, but this time he interrupts by asking, "Don't you wanna talk about Klaus and what he said about Silas?"

"No, I don't," I reply exasperated. "What I want is you, right here, right now."

He tilts his head to the side, shakes it and then tuts, before breaking out into a huge grin, grabbing me up from the ground and turning me so that I'm sat on the counter.

He kisses me frantically, his tongue massaging mine firmly and expertly and I waste no time in pulling his jacket from off his shoulders and throwing it onto the floor, as he does the same with mine. Once we've started to take each other's clothes off, our kiss grows more intense and fast paced and we practically rip the remaining clothes off our bodies, eager to put an end to the desperate and insatiable hunger we have for one another.

The second he enters me, a gasp leaves my throat followed by a low moan and I grind against him fast and hard, the need for him taking me over and leaving room for nothing else. Even as I can feel him reaching the deepest part of me, I feel that I want more, need more and I cling to him desperately, sucking at his neck and grasping my hands against his back. He reacts to me and climbs onto the counter, until I'm lying flat on my back and his full body weight is against mine. His hard, toned chest is sweaty and pressed against my breasts as he shifts up and down, thrusting in and out and I nibble on his ear, my hands running through his hair and just as always I'm transported to a different realm, completely lost in the euphoria of being with him.

* * *

**DAMON**

I gulp down the last of the bourbon sitting in the glass and sigh deeply. I've been sitting in this run down pub in Willoughby town for hours, just sitting alone drinking and thinking, mostly about Elena.

Without even realising it I came on this trip because I wanted to be the one to find the cure and bring it back to her, in the hopes that it would not only urge her to forgive me, but also because I want it to be the cause of a huge epiphany that makes her realise I am the right one for her after all. Just when I think I'm reaching acceptance about her being with Stefan, I realise I'm kidding myself. That's why I'm still sitting here, because I refuse to go home until I've finally accepted it. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll fall out of love with her over night, but I know enough to understand that acceptance is the first step to moving on.

I pull out my phone and the fact that I haven't heard from Stefan since he called me earlier this afternoon and that I haven't heard from Elena at all since she texted me to tell me she needs some time, tells me that neither of them are thinking of me or missing me. They might not realise it and my pride means that I'll never openly admit it to them, but they're my world. Not just Elena, but Stefan too and I've been clinging so desperately not just to her, but to him. It kills me to admit that no matter how hard I try or how much they might love me, I'll always be on the outside because they're a couple. I can have a relationship with my brother and I can even have a relationship with Elena - even if it's not the nature of the relationship I'd like to have with her - but I'll always be excluded because they're in love and they have their own private world which doesn't include me.

I contemplate ordering another drink, but decide against it and head out. I walk down the street that is eerily quiet, the middle aged citizens and their families all sleeping soundly in their beds since it's almost 11pm. I never thought I'd say this, but I wish Klaus was here, because at least his constant digs and snide remarks preoccupied me from my thoughts.

I continue down the street until I find myself looking up at the same house I found myself in hours earlier when Klaus and I got the cure. I scoff and shake my head, wondering why the hell I even came here, but still I proceed up the steps of the house and let myself inside.

The house is in total darkness, so I clumsily feel around the room for a light switch, knocking things over as I do. Suddenly the light comes on and someone lurches at me from across the room, causing me to fall down on my back.

Katherine with her fangs bared, has her hand around my throat and her intimating scowl. I laugh lightly and say, "Hey, Katherine."

She retracts her fangs instantly and climbs up off me. I get to my feet brush myself down and she asks, "What are you doing here, Damon? And have you ever heard of knocking?"

"Sorry, didn't think I needed to. I expected you to be half way round the world by now. Why are you still here? Nice night gown by the way."

I trail my eyes up and down her body appreciating the lacy black number she's wearing that displays the perfect amount of cleavage and leg. I may be over her, but she's still hot and even more so without the usual thick black eyeliner and red lipstick that is the Katherine Pierce trademark.

She twirls her hair with her finger, seeming thrilled at the compliment and then realises that she's not supposed be flattered, at least not if it's coming from me, and she sighs, places her hands on her hips and says, "I ran from Klaus for 500 years, Damon, never stopping, never staying in one place for more than a few months. Did you ever think that I might just want to stay somewhere and finally make a home?"

I tut and shake my head. "Come on," I exclaim with a laugh. "You really expect me to buy into this whole thing? That you want to live in the suburbs in this house," I gesture around me.

"Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do. The whole point of being free is that I don't have to run anymore."

"Still don't buy it," I say shaking my head. "What's the appeal of this rinky dink town? Mystic Falls is boring, but even that has  _some_  appeal."

"I don't have to explain anything to you. I'm not the girl I used to be, Damon, I've changed."

"You'll never change," I reply.

She rolls her eyes and puts her hand to her head, "Look why are you even here, Damon? Shouldn't you be running back to Mystic Falls to see your precious Elena? She'll be missing you."

At the mention of Elena's name my head immediately falls to the ground and I mutter under my breath, "I doubt that."

When I look up Katherine is scrutinizing me through narrow eyes.

"She's back together with Stefan," she says with an evil smile as she fits the pieces together. "My poor, sweet, Damon, got burned by the girl again. Now I understand why you're really here."

She struts towards me, keeping her eyes fixed on me and an amused smile on her face.

"Now I know why you're really here," she whispers sliding her hands up my chest and resting them on my shoulders. "You can't have Elena, so you come looking for the next best thing. Well, sorry, Damon, but I don't settle for being second best."

I didn't understand why I wound up here tonight, what I wanted or what I was hoping to achieve by coming, but I realise that she's right. Even after all this time I feel a connection to her, one I think that is impossible to sever, and I came here because she's familiar to me and I knew she would comfort me in the way only she can.

As she winds her hands around my neck and leans into me, somewhere inside I know I should push her off and leave, because I should be disgusted, but instead I feel light shivers running through my body as her fingertips graze my bare skin. She straightens the collar on my jacket, then puts her hands back by her side and steps away from me and I immediately step back into her.

"Come on, Katherine, you know you weren't second best, you never could be."

"Do you really think this whole seduction routine is gonna work on me? Remember who you learned it from."

I chuckle lightly.

"I'm not trying to seduce you, Katherine. I'm just being honest."

"Really?" she asks with a laugh. "Because all I've heard for months is how perfect and precious and pure Elena Gilbert is and how evil and manipulative I am."

"Are you jealous?" I ask with an amused grin.

"Jealous?" she scoffs. "Why would I be jealous of  _her_?"

"Because she stole Stefan and me from you. I know you. You always want to be on top, to be the best, to have everyone want you and I bet it kills you that I don't want you anymore."

"You're wrong," she replies through gritted teeth, stepping away from me. "I don't care about you. In fact, I hate you."

"Is that so?" I say sauntering close to her.

"Yeah, it is."

I speed towards her quickly, so that my face is inches from hers. "So you don't want this?" I say softly, trailing my hand down the center of her exposed chest. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply, then suddenly opens them and pushes me away aggressively.

"Like I said, I've changed. But you...you'll never change. Always the same pathetic Damon, in love with his brother's girl, taking pity on yourself and making out you've got it so goddamn hard, well try living my life! You have no idea, do you? What I've lived through? You and everyone else treat me like I'm nothing-"

"You are nothing!" I exclaim in a fit of anger. "Don't pretend you have a heart. You've done nothing but lie, taunt and manipulate for 500 years. You don't care about anyone but yourself!"

"It's called survival and caring about no one is better than being in love with someone that will never love you back!"

"She loves me," I reply adamantly.

She chortles then says, "Get over yourself, Damon! All you ever were to here was a toy to be played with. She knew you wanted her and she liked that, she wanted to feel good about herself and she knew exactly how to get it. Your sweet Elena isn't so different from me, maybe that's why you like her so much."

"She's  _nothing_  like you and that's why I love her," I spit.

"Oh here we go again! Does it ever get tiring, constantly denying the truth to yourself? You pretend that you hate me, that you feel nothing for me-"

"I don't!"

"If that were true you wouldn't be here!" she exclaims.

"Yeah, well, I learned how to run from the truth from the best, didn't I?  _You_ ," I point at her aggressively, "wouldn't know the truth if it hit you right between the eyes. You're so messed up you don't even see..." I trail off, the words from my mouth slipping away.

"Don't see what? Go on."

"Forget it! I don't even know what the hell I was thinking coming here," I say turning on my heel and heading for the door.

"You came because somewhere in that twisted little heart of yours, you still love me!" she bellows.

I swing around to face her just as I'm about to let myself out and shout, "You're crazy! I hate your guts! You got that? I...HATE...YOU!"

"I hate you right back!" she screams at the top of her lungs.

In less than a second we've ran at one another from across the room, our bodies hitting each other hard and fast, our lips having found each other amidst the brawl. The second we realise what we're doing we both pull back and gasp in surprise. Katherine clasps her hand to her mouth and looks mortified, whilst I stand rooted on the spot, looking at her wide eyed, my heart beating hard in my chest.

Her eyes are round and uncertain, then she sprints at me and with a loud gasp puts her lips back to mine.

"We still hate each other right?" I ask.

"Oh yeah," she replies before resuming the kiss.

I grunt and grasp at her back, my nails running up and down her skin. The sounds of heavy exhalations, moans and grunts fill my ears as the thralls of passion we've unexpectedly found ourselves in take over. Her mouth is a completely different world from Elena's and her tongue expertly moves against mine, just the way I like it. She nibbles at my bottom lip and her long nails scratch the surface as my skin as she violently shreds my clothing from my body, causing me to become instantly erect.

Every curvature of her body is perfection and I still remember every square inch of it. I can't seem to stop my hands from wandering up and down it in awe and trepidation. I move from her mouth to trace my tongue down her tanned chest down her cleavage, then rip the nightgown she wears open to reveal her naked body beneath. I suck and bite at her hard, dark nipples but her dominant nature means that she yanks me up towards her by the hair.

She meets my eyes, a wild glint in them and her mouth is pulled up into a twisted, lustful smile and all I can think is how different she is from Elena. Whilst I usually crave control, with her I relish in being rendered powerless and as I watch her in anticipation wondering what she's going to do next, more blood pumps throughout my body causing me to grow even harder.

"Stand still," she demands, giving out her orders. "Watch me."

I do as she says and she struts around me in a circle, her hand running across my body, up and down, but never in the place I want her to touch. Then she goes over to the shelves in the living room and presses play on the stereo. A slow, traditional folk song plays that although is something I would usually not listen to seems to set the mood perfectly.

She comes back towards me and stares at me seductively, then begins swaying in time to the music. Her body has natural rhythm and as she loses herself in the beat of it, I can't seem to tear my eyes away from her for even a second. Her skin is darker than I remember, revealing her Bulgarian roots, her ass is firm, round and toned and her hips curvy. Her dark hair cascades down her back and her perky breasts are swollen as though they're crying out for my mouth to be on them.

She's not modest and knows exactly how sexy she is and how best to exhibit it. There's not even one hint of embarrassment, shame or shyness on her face and in the moments that she meets my eyes as she continues to dance, I can see how much she is getting off on this. How thrilling and satisfying she finds it to see me rendered weak, wanting her and needing her.

As the music picks up in speed she begins to thrust and grind to the music more intensely, until I can take no more and I run forward, gasping and practically pleading for her. But as my body crashes into hers, she slaps me hard and fast, sending a white hot sting across my cheek and then she speeds over to the window and returns with the ties from them.

"You know how this works, Damon," she says, tying my hands tightly in a series of double and treble knots.

I chuckle hungrily and can't believe that even after all this time she still knows how to get my blood pumping so hard and my temperature soaring through the roof. She pushes me down onto the floor and I fall backwards, hitting my head then she stoops down on top of me. She shifts down and rubs herself against me so that I can feel her dampness and I close my eyes and groan.

She runs her finger under my chin and says, "What do you want, Damon?"

"You know what I want," I reply.

"No, tell me. Tell me what you want."

She grinds harder and whispers loudly, "Tell me."

"I-I-I want you," I reply through shuddered breaths.

"How?"

"I want to posses your body, to slip inside you and hear you screaming my name."

She lifts up from me and turns around, so that she's on top of me on her front, her ass in my face so that I can see her and she licks my hardness. I know her well enough to know that this is merely her teasing, but I can't help but give into her and beg for more.

She moves her mouth from me, causing my eyes to shoot open in disappointment and she's on her feet, standing over me. She stoops down and pushes her tongue into my mouth, kissing me hungrily, before standing back up straight and running her hands over her own body, until she's stroking herself.

"Do you want this?" she asks.

"Yeah, yes, yes!" I cry out, my voice hoarse.

"Say it, then."

"I want you. I want you now."

She smiles, then stands over me, her legs either side of me before stooping down until she's hovering so close to my face that I can smell her. I reach up for her hips to bring her down on my mouth and she lightly spasms at the initial sensation. I kiss her and lick her, alternating in pressure and speed, and apart from slightly heavier breathing she displays no sign of pleasure, so I up the anti. Just as she knows my body, I also know hers so I move my mouth across a wider space, making sure to hit every spot and then I nestle my stubble against her. She lightly jerks up and I smile, satisfied to know that I can still render her powerless just as she can with me.

She winds her fingers into my hair, pulling at it hard, but the pain only spurs me on as does her grinding against my mouth. I grasp either side of her hips hard and aid her in moving against me harder and faster. As my tongue zones in on the sensitive spot, one high gasp escapes her and I feel her weight grow as she pushes down on me, as though she can't get enough. She fights as hard as she can not to display the level of pleasure she's experiencing by keeping any sounds she makes to a minimum, but her body doesn't lie and the way it shudders involuntarily tells me I'm pushing her over the edge.

When her body suddenly goes rigid, her legs clamp hard around my face and she lets out a scream, I realise she was closer than I'd anticipated. Despite her protests and attempt to escape, I grab her more firmly and lick her harder and faster, until a second, louder squeal escapes her, this time followed by a series of whimpers as her entire body spasms uncontrollably. I let go of her hips and she collapses backwards onto my chest, ripples of electricity still flowing through her and the taste of her still on my mouth.

She sits up sharply, leans into me, a loud groan escaping her and she kisses me deeply, as though she doesn't know how else to express her gratitude.

"Now, it's your turn," she states and I inhale deeply with anticipation, as she climbs off me and goes over to kneel in between my legs.

The second she takes me into her mouth, I lie my head back, close my eyes and realise that for the first time in months, my mind is completely blank. There's no Stefan and certainly no Elena. All there is is the electrifying arousal and sexual pleasure that causes me to soar and that only the vixen that is Katherine Pierce is able to trigger in me.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon tries to deal with the unsurprising guilt he feels over Bonnie's death and Katherine shares some home truths with him. Meanwhile, in Mystic Falls the group arrange Bonnie's funeral. Elena and Jeremy finally open up to each other and Damon tries to make it back in time for Bonnie's funeral, despite the fact that he's not wanted there.

**DAMON**

Everything is black, but then I hear a voice calling my name on the wind. I spin around and find myself amidst a forest, the trees tall, the night eerie and the wind blowing violently. I don't know where I am or what's going on, but the hairs on my body are pricked, my heart is palpitating and my palms are sweating.

I see a figure coming towards me and squint my eyes in an attempt to decipher who it is. I recognise the small, sturdy frame almost instantly and bizarrely I feel my legs almost collapse beneath me with relief.

"Bonnie..." I call out my voice heavy.

I feel my legs twitching to run to her and give her a hug, but I don't because that's not something that she and I do.

"Hello, Damon," she says stopping a couple of feet from me.

"Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no,  _no,_ " I say waving my finger at her and taking a step back. "If this is what I think it is, you can just piss off."

"Why? Scared of hearing a few home truths?"

"That's exactly what I mean. I know why you're here, Bonnie. This is my conscience coming out backwards and haunting me in the form of your ghost, but I don't want it and I don't need it."

"I beg to differ," she replies, her eyes hard and her voice firm. "You can't run forever, you know?"

"Here we go. So what, huh?" I yell swinging back round to face her. She's closer than I anticipated and I almost crash into her. "You're here to tell me how much of a terrible person I am? Believe me, I already know."

"If you know why are you  _still_  not doing anything about it? It's because you haven't admitted the truth yourself yet. There's a reason you came on this trip with Klaus and it wasn't just to find the cure."

"So what else was it?"

"Lots of things. Pain, shame, guilt-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I exclaim holding my hands up. "Guilt and shame? For what?"

She raises her eyebrows at me as though she can see straight through me and it unsettles me. I don't like anyone being able to read me this well.

"You know what for, Damon."

I hold her gaze intently for a few moments then break off and let out a frustrated sigh. "What do you want me to say? That I feel guilty that you're dead? Would that make you feel better? Well, I  _don't_ , because if you weren't dead Elena still would be."

She shakes her head and tuts. "Still lying to yourself."

"Okay! Okay! Fine! I feel guilty, okay? I've tried to pretend I don't care, but I know what I did was wrong. I should've done what everyone else did and tried to talk you out of it, but instead I helped you and it's eating me up, okay? Are you happy now?"

"I guess you care more than you let on you do."

"Shut up," I reply childishly.

"You didn't just come here for Elena, Damon or because you feel guilty about my death, you came for yourself. You came because you're tired of being this person, because you want to change and you can, Damon. You  _can_  change and you can stop all of that the guilt and pain."

"How?" I ask.

"By making a choice."

"You sound like Stefan."

"Stefan's right. But this isn't just a choice about Elena, it's a choice to be a better person, to make different choices."

"I'm a vampire. Since when do I care about being a better person?" I challenge.

"Maybe you didn't before, but you do now. You forced yourself to care in the beginning for Elena's sake, but now it's...it's  _real_. You care and I'm proof of that. I'm here not because I'm Elena's best friend but because  _you_  care about me and you feel bad for the part you played in my death."

"Whoa, think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there, I don't...care..." I scramble, desperate to maintain the facade that I don't care one bit.

She smiles to herself and shakes her head, then looks up to me and says, "That's okay. Keep living in denial. But if you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to him."

She gestures to her side and in the blink of an eye Alaric is standing beside her. My heart leaps in my chest and unlike with Bonnie I do not refrain from pulling him into a tight hug.

"It's good to see you buddy," he says with a smile.

"Oh, you have no idea," I reply, relief taking me over.

"Bonnie's right, Damon."

"Those 5 seconds of being pleased to see you were fun whilst they lasted," I state sarcastically.

He tilts his head to the side and shoots me a disapproving look, then continues with, "Stop being a child and for once in your life just shut up and listen."

"I can see death hasn't changed you much," I joke.

"You're gonna listen to Bonnie and you're gonna listen to me."

"Why should I?"

"Because we're you."

"Oh, right. For a moment there this felt so realistic I forgot it was a nightmare," I state, with a smile at him.

"When you wake up you're gonna go home and you're gonna face Stefan and Elena and you're gonna be the bigger man."

"Bigger man?" I scoff.

"I'm serious, Damon, you need to get your shit together."

"Urgh, why did my unconscious have to choose you to be my conscience? You're a pain in the ass."

He glares at me but cracks a smile and then Bonnie reappears.

"And you? God knows what you're doing here," I say to her.

"I'm here because I'm a source of your pain and I'm the only one that can help you let go."

"Source of my pain," I mock with a light chuckle.

"Just don't screw it up, do you hear me?" Ric says pointing a finger at me.

"Yes, sir," I reply with a salute.

He disappears into the night without another word, but Bonnie lingers.

"Um...Bonnie?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm...I'm...you know..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry," I blurt out bitter that I've had to give in and say it aloud.

A satisfied smile comes across her face at hearing my apology and then she nods and says, "I know," before disappearing along with Ric in a cloud of mist.

* * *

When my eyes open I'm greeted by the sight of an unfamiliar bedroom with pink walls, floral curtains and pine furniture. It's only when I turn my head to see Katherine that I remember where I am. I continue to scan the room and scoff lightly at how un-Katherine it seems. She's fast asleep with her back to me, her breathing shallow and steady, her long hair in a mangle of knots at the back of her head and her back covered in red marks from the scratches that have already healed. I'm not even sure how we made it to the bedroom because I'm pretty sure I blacked out at more than one point.

Over the years I've had more sexual encounters than I can count, but Katherine still tops the list. There is no one who has even a speck of the sexual chemistry that I have with her, not even Elena. I've already healed from any injuries I gained during the hours of wild erotica we immersed ourselves in, but my body still aches with exhaustion.

I roll over and gently stroke her hair, the urge to touch her taking me over once more and then the images of Bonnie and Ric's faces flash before my eyes causing me to pull away. I lie back on the mattress for a few moments, inhaling and exhaling heavily, playing their words over in my head and then I slowly swing my legs off the edge of the bed and proceed to creep across the dark room to head for the door.

"Leaving so soon?" Katherine's voice inquires from across the room causing me to cuss under my breath.

"I know from past experience that you're not a gentleman, but sneaking out in the middle of the night? Tut, tut," she continues.

"Thought you'd be glad to wake up to find me gone," I reply.

She climbs out of bed and sprints over to me, coming to a halt a mere foot from me. "But it's supposed to be  _me_  leaving  _you_  in bed alone, not the other way around."

"Don't you ever get bored of always needing to be in control?"

"You seemed to enjoy it last night," she whispers, sliding her hands up my chest and leaning into me so that her breasts are pressed against my chest.

"Last night was just..."

She goes on her tip toes and begins gently licking my ear lobe and no matter how hard I try to keep talking, the words seem to completely fall from my head. I stammer on nonetheless.

"It was...um...it was...something...something that happened. Right?"

I feel her nodding against me and I grab her shoulders and lightly pull her away from me so she's looking at me.

"Katherine, stop. Just stop, okay? What happened happened, but it's over now and I'm going home," I turn and step out of the door into the hall.

"What? Back to Elena?" she calls after me. She groans and rolls her eyes then exclaims "When are you going to get over her already?"

"Why do you even care? What happened to 'I never really loved you, it was always Stefan'?"

"You still bitter about that?" she asks stepping into the hall so that I can see her face more clearly.

"No. To be bitter you still have to care."

She snickers lightly then says, "Damon, after last night there's nothing that can convince me you don't care."

"Well, I don't really care what you think. You've got what you always wanted. You're free from Klaus forever and now you can live your life. But that's just the problem isn't it? You've spent so long running and hiding, I don't think you even know where to begin. You don't know how to live a normal life and you're realising that the most important part of having a life is having someone to share it with and you don't. Your family are dead, you've betrayed or hurt everyone that's ever loved you and that's why you're still in this town, clinging to the friends that you compelled, because there is no one else. You're alone and you're terrified."

She steps away from me, her mouth slightly open, her eyes intense and just like me she despises when someone sees through her cold, steel exterior.

"Yeah, well I''d still rather be me than you!" she exclaims when she's managed to recompose herself. "The only two people you love in the entire world want you out of the way so they can live happily ever after. Even your own brother hates you more than he loves you. Elena died and she came back and she  _still_  doesn't want you, so you came here to make yourself feel better. It was never about the cure, it was about me. You wanted to see me again so that you could feel good about yourself and forget about Elena and it worked didn't it?"

"For 5 minutes," I retort.

She chuckles lightly and shakes her head. "You've convinced yourself that you hate me so much that you've actually started to believe it."

"Trust me, I  _do_  hate you."

"I know you, Damon, more than you think I do. I'm the one that made you who you are and when I look at you now I see someone that's alone and lost, just like me and that's why you're here. Not just because you wanted to feel better about yourself, but because you don't know who you are anymore and you were hoping that seeing me again would remind you."

I'm as transparent to her as she is to me and just like her, I hate that she can see through me so easily and that she's able to voice all of the internal processes and emotions I hold within myself that I haven't even allowed myself to consciously admit.

"No matter how much it kills you to admit it, you needed me, Damon. We needed each other."

I stare at her intently through narrowed eyes, whilst she looks up at me through her lashes and I don't think I can ever recall seeing her look so sincere. I forgot what she's like when no one else was around, when she's not performing or pretending and just being her.

"You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe I did come here because I wanted to see you, because I needed to see you. I don't even know anymore. All I know is that I need to go back to Mystic Falls, whether I like it or not."

I turn on my heel and head downstairs to retrieve my clothes that are strewn all about the living room and she follows closely behind. I pull on my underwear and my jeans, and Katherine tosses me my shirt which has lacerations in from where she grabbed at it. I pull my jacket on and it covers most of the damage, then I pull open the front door. I'm surprised that she's still standing with me instead of tucked up in bed and for some reason I find myself placing a brisk and hard kiss on her lips that lasts less than a second. She seems just as taken aback as me, because any intimacy between us was reserved for last night only and now we're supposed to be back to being loathed enemies.

My eyes remain on her for a lingering moment and just as I've stepped out the door she calls my name.

"Do you want some advice?"

"Not really," I reply. "But I've got a feeling you're going to give it to me anyway."

"I think I preferred who you were when you weren't in love with Elena."

"When I was in love with you, you mean?"

She shakes her head. "You know that's not what I meant, Damon. Just think about it."

With that she closes the door and leaves me standing alone on the porch hers, Bonnie's and Alaric's words echoing in my mind and leaving a hollow feeling in my chest.

* * *

**STEFAN**

The blaring sounds of Elena's phone fill the room and bounce off the walls, pulling me from sleep. I groan and shake her lightly, "Elena. Elena, your phone," I croak. She remains in a deep sleep so I reach over her and grab her phone from the nightstand to see Jeremy's name.

"Hello?" I answer clearing my throat so as to get rid of my morning voice.

"Stefan?"

"Yeah, it's me. Elena's still asleep."

"Should've guessed."

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's fine. Just wanted to talk to Elena about this whole memorial idea Matt's had."

The chatter between Jeremy and I seems to finally bring Elena to and she rubs her eyes then looks up to me and asks who it is. The second I tell her it's Jeremy she gestures her hand out for the phone and I give it to her.

"Jeremy, is everything alright?" she asks immediately concerned.

I hear him reassure her just as he did me and it's only a minute or so before they've hung up.

"He wants us to go back to the house to talk about Bonnie's memorial," she informs me.

I nod. "How are you feeling?" I ask.

She sighs deeply then shifts closer to me, resting her head on my chest. I stroke her hair and plant a soft kiss on her head.

"Okay, I guess," she says. "You know, I haven't seen Bonnie since I saw her the first time. Maybe I was just imagining it. Maybe I wanted to believe I could see her so badly that I convinced myself that I could."

I shake my head and reply, "No, you saw her. How else would you have been able to know how many fingers I was holding up behind my back? Maybe the connection is just temperamental."

She shrugs. "I think I was hoping it was true because if it was maybe there was a way to bring her back."

"What do you mean?"

"I know she said that if we bring her back it could reverse the spell completely, but what if it doesn't? The fact that I thought she was on The Other Side and I could see her and talk to her...I dunno...I guess I thought there was still hope that she wasn't gone forever."

I nod. "She's only been gone for a few days, it's natural that you'd still be clinging to hope, especially since we've been able to cheat death so many times before, but you can't let it eat you up. I know you feel responsible but what happened to Bonnie isn't your fault."

She nods then inhales deeply. "I'm sorry," she says out of the blue.

"Sorry? What for?" I inquire.

"For talking about it all the time. We're back together, this should be a happy time but all I keep talking about is Bonnie. I shouldn't be putting all of that on you," she says her voice soft and guilt reflected in her eyes.

"Hey, don't apologise. You lost someone you love and you're trying to come to terms with it, don't ever be sorry for that," I reassure her, taking her hand in mine and bending down to kiss it lightly.

She smiles sweetly and says, "Thank you for being there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, luckily for you you never have to worry about that, because I'm not going anywhere."

She beams up at me and kisses me softly.

"Get dressed and I'll make us breakfast," I tell her.

I jump out of bed and she calls out, "Pancakes. I want pancakes!"

"Coming right up, madame," I call back to which she giggles.

* * *

**ELENA**

After scoffing our faces with pancakes smothered in maple syrup and chugging down a couple of mugs of coffee Stefan and I head to mine. Despite the grim circumstances, there's a sense of tranquility and peace at my center that comes only from being with Stefan and I know that even if Bonnie were alive and everything were seemingly perfect on the outside, if I didn't have him I would never be as happy as I could be.

When we get to the house Jeremy and Matt are sat on the couch, yelling and groaning as they engage in competitive play on the Playstation. I'm overwhelmed to see Jeremy look so normal and it makes me realise that it was silly of me to be so reluctant to let him leave with Matt, because clearly the time spent with him has already greatly improved his outlook and mood.

It takes them a couple of minutes to even notice Stefan and I are in the room but when they do they pause their game and greet us. I want to ask Jeremy how he is but I'm afraid that doing so would only cause him to retreat back into himself, so I refrain from doing so.

"So I spoke to Ty and Caroline and they're coming to the memorial," Matt informs us.

"When? Today?" I ask.

He nods his head. "It's nothing fancy, it's gonna be out in the woods, but I think we all need it to say goodbye and Bonnie deserves that."

We all nod in concurrence and Matt goes on to explain that we're all meeting out in the woods near the Lockwood cellar at 1pm.

"Hopefully the weather holds out," he says.

Jeremy gets up from the couch, walks towards me and lightly places his hand on my arm. "Elena, can we talk?" he asks softly.

"Sure. Of course, Jer," I reply nervous and eager to hear what he has to say.

Stefan briefly grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze as an act of moral support. I follow Jer upstairs and into his room and he closes the door behind us.

"What's up?" I ask, trying my hardest to disguise the bile that is rising up in my throat.

"I'm sorry I've been so distant with you since you've been back."

"It's okay, Jer, I understand," I say softly. "Losing Bonnie...it's been hard on all of us but especially you."

He shakes his head. "That's no excuse. She's your best friend, you lost her too and you've been through hell and back, as your brother I should've been there for you, but I've been pushing you away."

He hangs his head and takes a deep shaky breath and he seems so frail and broken, that all I want to do is hold him in my arms and make everything okay. I want to speak, to reassure and comfort him, but I'm so choked up that no words come out when I open my mouth to speak.

"I need you to know that I didn't do it because I'm not happy you're back, because I am. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel. First I lose mom and dad, then Vickie, then you, then I get you back and now Bonnie's gone. It's all so much to take in and I can't even think straight."

"I know, Jer," I say reaching out and stroking his arm. "You shouldn't have to deal with any of this, I'm sorry."

"None of us should, but you're my sister, Elena and I love you and I don't blame you for what happened. Bonnie saved you, she brought you back to me and I...I'm so glad because I don't know how to live without you."

I bite my lip in an attempt to suppress the tears. "Me either," I reply.

"I just...I miss Bonnie so much," he says instantly breaking into sobs and falling forward so his head is against my chest.

I stroke his hair and say, "I know, I miss her too," my own tears beginning to fall.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away," he says in between cries. "I'm sorry."

I shush him and hold him close in an attempt to console him and know that today will be filled with the grief, despair and tears of us all as we attempt to accept Bonnie's loss.

* * *

**DAMON**

I compel my way onto a flight back to Virginia and leave Willoughby behind without a backward glance, although the events of the trip remain with me. The second my eyes grow heavy and droop shut I'm once again greeted with Bonnie and Alaric's faces, reminding me of what I have to do and when I'm not pondering over the dream they featured in, I'm replaying my conversation with Katherine.

I came on this trip with the intention of finding the cure, but the truth is it's the farthest thing from my mind, because Katherine, dream Bonnie and dream Alaric are right about everything. I didn't come here because of that, I came here to try and get my head straight and as corny as it sounds to find myself. I almost cringe at even the thought of it. When Elena told me we couldn't be together because she had to focus on herself I thought it was a load of drivel, but here I am in the exact same place just weeks later.

I don't know the exact moment that I realised I'd completely lost myself. Maybe it was the moment Elena died or maybe it was before then or maybe I've never truly found myself, but drowned myself in booze, blood and sex as a way to pretend otherwise.

The truth is I can't recall ever being secure in myself. All I am is concoction of bravado, sarcasm and fake arrogance and I don't know what I am beneath that or if there's even anything else more than that to me. Even Katherine who is one of the most diabolical people I've ever met still has  _something_. Something that's identifiable as being her, a personality that is unique to her and that is at the center of who she is. But me? Who am I?

I'm starting to realise that I cling so tightly to Elena because of all the versions of me that exist within myself or in the eyes of others, I like her version best and I want so much to become that Damon; the one that's compassionate, kind, forgiving, understanding. But there's just one problem, that isn't me, it's  _Stefan_.

I may mock my little brother ninety nine percent of the time, but deep down I admire the person he is and the attributes he possesses that I could only dream of having. Yet when Elena constantly encouraged me to adopt Stefan's ways and be more like him, I couldn't, because I don't want to be my brother, I want to be  _me,_ even if I don't know who me is yet.

Somehow along the way being compared to Stefan by everyone has forced me to become the anti-Stefan. I've deliberately shaped myself to be his polar opposite and even the decisions I make and actions I take are usually made in defiance of what Stefan would do. He's the most important person in my world, but our relationship is like a mangled web of destruction, resentment and jealousy that has been woven for over a century and I'm so used to the way things are with us that I don't think I've ever truly realised just how volatile it is, how completely co-dependent I am on him and how  _he's_  the one that dictates everything I do, not Elena.

Although it was loving her and losing her that sparked this change in me, Stefan is the reason I'm trapped. He says he wants me to let go of Elena, but he doesn't realise that I already have, because if I hadn't she wouldn't be with Stefan right now and I'd made damn sure of that. She'll always have some sort of hold on my heart, but consciously I've already let her go because since she died there is not a single thing I would ever do to stand in the way of her happiness and as much as it pains me to admit it, I know how happy Stefan makes her and that's all I want; for her to be happy.

I guess I did need to see Katherine after all, because spending just one night with her has somehow opened my eyes to so many things that have been right under my nose. I barely shed a tear over Elena's death, but my center completely shifted the second I lost her and everything - absolutely everything - is different now. Losing her that way, so suddenly has shocked me into reality and although I've thought it and said it so many times before now, I  _really_  mean it this time when I say I want to change.

I don't know how exactly, but what I do know is that I'm going to do exactly what Alaric demanded and I'm going back home to face Stefan and Elena with my head held high. I'm not going to be petty, vengeful or jealous, I'm going to try and make amends, because as much as I hate to admit it, Stefan and Ric are right; it's my choice. Instead of deliberately making all the wrong choices just because I don't want to be like Stefan, I need to realise that kindness and grace aren't traits reserved only for Stefan, they can also be a part of what makes me who I am, if that's what I choose.

* * *

By the time it's reached midday I'm back in Mystic Falls. I turn my phone back on to check for any missed calls or texts from Klaus but there's nothing. I consider calling him, but then remember he said it would be days before he'd be back in town so decide against it. Strangely, I trust that the cure is safe in his hands and I'm confident that in less than a week Elena will be human once more. A delayed text from Stefan comes through after a few minutes which simply reads:

"Don't know when you're gonna show your face, but we're all going to a memorial for Bonnie. Starts at 1pm."

I'm not sure whether to interpret that as an invitation or a warning to stay away. Although it's most likely the latter, I decide to head home, dump my bags, get changed and go. If I'm going to truly make amends the best place to start is at Bonnie's memorial, plus despite what everyone may think I do feel the weight of Bonnie's loss weighing down on me and not just because I played a part in it, but also because some small part of me did care for her.

* * *

**ELENA**

Stefan and I take his car to the woods and when we arrive Matt, Jeremy, Tyler and Caroline are already there, dressed head to toe in black. Matt and Jeremy are stood by a tree stump chatting, whilst Tyler holds Caroline, her face buried in his chest.

As the car comes to a stop I take inhale sharply and exclaim shakily, "Stefan, I don't think I can do this. I don't think..."

"Hey, hey," he calls over turning off the ignition and immediately turning his body towards me. "You can do this. I'll be with you."

I meet his eyes and he looks so secure, so strong that it eases the anxiety and pain I feel rising up within me. We climb out of the car and in a second I'm by his side, my hand in his, gripping it tightly.

We walk over to the others and I greet them all with a pitiful smile. Caroline turns to look at me, her hair matted and her eyes already red from the tears she's crying. The second her eyes meet mine we both run forward at the same time colliding into each other. All my resolve leaves me and we cry in each other's arms for the shared loss of our best friend. Everyone here feels pain at Bonnie's loss, but for Caroline and I, it's different. The bond the three of us shared was unique and unbreakable. We weren't just best friends we were sisters and since we were toddlers we had our entire lives planned out together. And now...now it's all gone.

When we eventually manage to let go of one another, Caroline falls straight back into Tyler's arms and Stefan pulls me into him closely. Jeremy comes and stands beside me, taking my hand in his and I cling to it with all my strength.

Matt remains standing at the stump, then he takes a deep breath in and says, "We're here today in remembrance of Bonnie Bennett, one of the kindest people I've ever known and our best friend."

I hear Caroline sobbing harder and I fight with all my might to keep my emotions contained. Matt gives a few words on what Bonnie meant to him and how much he'll miss her, then gives Jeremy a nod. He lets go of my hand and steps forward and before he's even spoke I know that whatever he has to say will break me.

"I...I don't really have a speech prepared," he stammers looking down at his hands. "I just...I wanted to say that Bonnie was special. Everyone that knew her knew that because she was strong and caring and loyal and...she didn't deserve this."

He breaks off and shakes his head and I desperately want to go forward and comfort him.

"I can stand here all day and list all of the amazing things about Bonnie, but all that I really need to say...all that matters is that I loved her. I loved her..." he repeats again, this time sobs rising up within him. "I don't think she realised how much, but I did, I loved her, I loved her..."

He can't seem to say anything else and just repeats that he loved her over and over, the intensity of his sobs increasing each time he says it. I run forward and take him into my arms for the second time today and feel his body shake underneath mine.

When I open my eyes I see Bonnie's face and my entire body goes rigid. Jeremy wriggles free of my grip and searches my face, asking what's wrong, but I just stare overhead. Her dark, silky hair is shining in the sunshine and she tears are reflected in her eyes. I blink rapidly, expecting her to fade, but she doesn't.

"It's okay, Elena," she says softly coming towards me. "You need this. You  _all_  need this."

I feel Stefan's hand on my arm as he attempts to break me from my daze and after a few moments Bonnie disappears and a familiar face appears from where she just stood.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I hear Jeremy's cold, hard voice inquire.

Everyone's heads turn to see Damon standing six or so feet away dressed in a suit, a somber expression on his face. I stand paralysed just looking at him, not sure if I'm more stunned that I've just seen Bonnie for a second time or that Damon's actually here.

"He asked you a question," Matt calls sharply.

"Look, I didn't come to start trouble, I just wanted to pay my respects."

"Your respects?  _Your respects_? Bonnie's dead because of you!" Caroline exclaims.

Stefan runs forward to his brother and I hear him quietly tell Damon to leave, but Damon remains rooted on the spot.

"Do you have a death wish?" Jeremy exclaims moving forward his entire body tense.

Suddenly Caroline pounces on Damon hitting him over and over and it's only seconds before Jeremy follows suit. He practically pulls Caroline off him, whilst Tyler charges forward to retrieve Caroline and Stefan gets caught in the middle.

"Help them, Elena," Bonnie's voice calls.

I look up and see her again.

"Stop this."

It takes me a while for her words to resonate with me but when they do I yell at the top of my lungs "STOP!"

It's so piercing that the sound of it projects, sending ripples of echoes and causing everyone to stop dead in their tracks. I bound forward to drag Jeremy by the scruff of his collar off Damon. Stefan helps Damon to his feet and he brushes himself down, whilst Tyler keeps hold of Caroline who is still out of control with rage and Matt stands by on the sidelines in shock and disbelief.

"Just stop. Stop fighting, stop hating each other," I tell them my voice firm. "We lost Bonnie and today is for  _her_."

"But he's the reason she's dead!" Jeremy shouts.

"No, he's not," I reply. "Bonnie cast the spell herself, it was her choice and all of us know she would've found a way to do it with or without Damon's help, because that's who Bonnie is. She would sacrifice herself to save her friends over and over if she could, because that's how selfless she is. Do you think she'd want this? Do you?" I exclaim looking to each of them in turn.

They all hang their heads in shame and I look to Damon who is staring at me in awe and say, "You can stay."

He gives me a nod of gratitude and I look overhead into the trees again, knowing that Bonnie will be there and she is. She gives me a proud nod and smile, then disappears on the wind once more and although by now I'm convinced that I'm going crazy and imagining my dead best friend, I really don't care, because right now I need her, it's the only way I'll get through the day.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damon's back in Mystic Falls, and despite Stefan's attempts to get the truth from him, Damon is keeping his cards close to his chest and refusing to tell anyone the truth of where he was or why. Damon and Elena finally have a much needed conversation. Damon apologies for the part he played in Bonnie's death and Elena offers him forgiveness, building a much needed bridge between the two. Meanwhile, Matt and Jeremy have an announcement to make that hits Elena hard.

**STEFAN**

We manage to get through the rest of the memorial without any hiccups and the day turns out to be exactly how it was intended; a day to grieve and say goodbye to Bonnie. Elena and Caroline shared their fond memories which evoked both laughter and tears in all of us and each of us offered up an object special to Bonnie or our relationship with her. Even though I wasn't that close with Bonnie and I've lost people much more important to me in the past, I feel melancholy and witnessing the heartbreak Elena, Jeremy and Caroline are suffering through has impacted me deeply.

I manage to remain strong, because I know that's what Elena needs from me and so I attempt to keep all emotions buried and I cradle Elena as she weeps, utter words of comfort and ensure I stay close to her side. I'm sure that when she looks into my eyes she can see that I share her pain, but when you're in love with someone that is a given. You experience each other's pain just as you experience each other's joy.

I at least seem to be a better job of holding it together than Damon, who is surprisingly raw with emotion. After his run in with Caroline and Jeremy he remained stood at the back of the memorial in the trees in solemn silence, only stepping forward to offer up Bonnie's grimiore, before retreating back into the trees and since we've arrived back at the house he's taken to standing alone in the corner, sipping in his drink and barely even making eye contact with anyone. In fact he's been so quiet that I've barely even noticed him, which is very unlike him.

Elena is standing with Caroline, Tyler and Matt in the kitchen chatting and when I scan the room spot Damon over in the corner, still by himself staring down into the glass of bourbon that he's had for the last hour. I head over to him, eager for the opportunity to catch up and find out how his trip went.

"So you finally decided to show your face," I say as I step up beside him.

"Huh?" he asks as though in a daze. "Oh...yeah."

"Where'd you go?"

"Oh, you know...no where really. Just about."

"You were gone for almost three days and you were no where?"

"Look, I already told you, I just needed to clear my head, okay?" he replies sharply, his voice high pitched as though he's distressed.

"Whoa, okay," I respond holding my hands up.

I can sense from his facial expression, body language and manner of speaking that he's anxious and something about him has changed since the last time I saw him, although I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

"You know, when I texted to tell you about Bonnie's memorial that was code for don't come."

"Well, you know me, Stef. I never do what I'm told."

His reply makes me laugh lightly as it's the most Damon thing he's said or done since he's been back.

"I couldn't not show my face," he then adds, his voice dripping with guilt and sadness.

"For someone you apparently didn't like, you're really upset about her being gone."

He stands up straight then and stutters for a few seconds as though I've hit a nerve.

"Upset? I'm not upset," he states with an exaggerated scoff. "I'm here for Elena, that's it."

I nod, but know him well enough to know he's here for himself as much as Elena. Although he would never admit it some small part of him did care for Bonnie - because who could not like Bonnie? - and the rest of him is riddled with guilt for her death and by coming here he thought somehow it would ease that burden.

"Did the trip help then?" I inquire, deciding to change the subject. "Did you manage to get your head straight?"

He sucks in a gulp of air through his teeth then nods and says, "I'm getting there."

I frown at him through narrowed eyes and ask, "Are you sure you're alright? Did something happen while you were away?"

"What's with all the questions?" he asks defensively. "I told you, I needed to clear my head so I went away for a few days to think, end of story."

I nod, but I'm still not convinced.

"Okay, if you say so, but all I'm saying is you seem...distracted."

"I've got a lot of stuff to sort out, Stefan."

"Like what?"

"Like everything. My entire life."

I nod and he adds, "Just stop worrying about me, I told you I'm fine and I'll be fine, alright? Now just leave me alone, you're interrupting my brooding."

He shoos me away with his hands and I roll my eyes at him.

Whatever it is that's on his mind, I'll find out sooner or later, because as much as he tries my brother can never keep the truth hidden for very long.

* * *

**ELENA**

The day passes by me in a haze of sorrow and stifling despair. Somehow I manage to put on a brave face and have pleasant small talk with everyone, despite wanting to curl up into a ball and sleep forever. In some small way being with the people that loved Bonnie most comforts me and reminiscing on fond memories with Caroline, Matt and Tyler puts a smile on my face, even for just a moment. I find myself searching the room for her face, hoping to see her again, but each time my eyes scan the room she's no where to be seen and the hollow feeling my chest expands.

After his words at the memorial, Jeremy sobbed silently for a solid half an hour, but since we got back he's just been floating around, expressionless and his face pale, as though the realistation that Bonnie is gone has finally hit him at full force. I don't know what to do to help him so I leave him be and hope that somehow he manages to come out the other side.

Damon comes back to the house with us despite knowing he's not wanted and doesn't engage in conversation with anyone except for Stefan. I don't speak to him, wanting to focus on Jeremy and my friends, but just by looking at his face I know that wherever he's been for the last few days he's gone through something, because his expression is intense and troubled.

Stefan remains close to me and every so often I reach out for him, just to replenish myself with the strength that his touch alone provides me with. There are moments when I forget that we're back together and a cold shiver of loneliness and sadness shoots through me, and each time that I remember he's right there with me it gives me a fuzzy feeling inside. It's a cliche that love conquers all, because it doesn't necessarily. It doesn't in anyway take away any of the pain of losing Bonnie and it doesn't magically make everything in my life perfect, but it's a white light in my life, providing me with comfort and joy and I know that no matter what happens or how bad things get as long as I have Stefan there will always be moments in time where I'm happy.

When Matt encourages Jeremy to get his Playstation out in the hope of taking his mind off Bonnie and the two of them, Tyler, Stefan and Caroline soon slip into competitive play mode and all conversation fades away as they scream and cuss at the TV and one another. I head upstairs to use the bathroom and as I reach the top stair I can already feel that someone is behind me.

I swing around and gasp when I see Damon's face directly in front of me.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you," he says with a light laugh. "I just wondered if we could talk maybe?"

I sigh deeply and stare at him for a few moments. Only 48 hours ago I was furious at Damon, but today I feel ready to move forward and I'm not sure if it's because the amount of death in my life forces me to see how short life is or if it's because I can't let go of Bonnie's words, telling me to forgive Damon and move forward.

"Sure," I reply after a prolonged silence. I head for my bedroom and he follows me in, closing the door behind us.

"How are you holding up?" he asks, concern on his face.

"Okay, I guess," I reply. "I'm worried about Jeremy more than anything. I don't think he's handling it."

He hangs his head and nods.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"I guess..." he sighs as though he's struggling to find the words to say. "Honestly, I just wanted to say sorry. I know that me apologising doesn't mean much and it won't bring Bonnie back, but I really am...sorry."

I take a deep breath in and stare at him in awe, wondering what has inspired this change in him.

"I know what I did was selfish, but I thought I was doing the right thing by you and I-"

"Look, Damon, you don't have to say anymore," I say cutting him off. "I know why you did what you did. I know that you were doing it because you care about me and I know that you're sorry that Bonnie's gone. The truth is, I was angry and I needed someone to blame and you were the easy target."

"Nothing new there," he replies his voice quiet.

"It was wrong and I shouldn't of done it. I know Bonnie better than anyone and she would've cast that spell no matter what it took. She loved me and she wanted to save me and nothing stands in her way when she wants something. I just...I want to forget it."

He nods. "I'd like that."

"Besides, Bonnie wants us to all move on."

"Bonnie?" he questions.

I stare at him wide eyed for a second, annoyed that I accidentally let it slip that I've seen her and then realise that it doesn't matter, because in spite of everything I trust Damon.

"Um, yeah, I kinda...saw her a few times."

"Oh. And what did she say?"

"Just typical Bonnie stuff. She said it wasn't your fault and that I should just forgive you and move on because it's the only way we'll all be happy."

He nods then narrows his eyes and says, "Well, that must've been imaginary Bonnie because she'd never defend me in a million years."

We both let out a light laugh and I softly say, "Yeah, true...", although part of me is still doubtful as to what my visions of Bonnie were exactly.

"I actually had a dream about her too," he admits his head low.

"What? You dreamed about Bonnie?"

"I know, weird right?"

I nod. "What was it about?"

"Oh just the usual stuff, similar to you. She told me I needed to get a grip and be the bigger man or something."

I laugh lightly. "That sounds like Bonnie."

"I guess somewhere out there Bonnie's spirit must be desperate for us all to be buddies again."

"Well, considering she sacrificed herself for me, I think the least we can do is try."

He nods and smiles, then the seriousness returns to his face as he says, "I know things have been messed up between us since you've been back, but I'm glad you're back and that you and Stefan are good again."

I stare at him wide eyed, then a frown comes across my face as I reply, "You don't really mean that."

He laughs lightly. "You know how I feel about you, Elena and I'll be the first to admit that those feelings have clouded my judgement  _a lot._ I've said and I've done stupid stuff, mostly to protect you or out of jealousy, but underneath all of that I'm...I'm just a normal guy."

"Damon Salvatore, normal?" I question my eyebrows raised.

"I know this sudden change in me probably seems out of the blue, but it's been a long time coming. We all know that."

"Seriously, what happened while you were away?" I ask.

He chuckles and says, "I just did a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching and certain...friends helped me to realise a few things."

I eye him suspiciously but know I have no right to question him any further so let it go.

"All you need to know is things are gonna be different from now on."

"How?"

"For starters, I'm gonna try a lot harder to be less of a dick."

"Well, all you can do is try," I reply, unable to hold back the laughter.

He pokes me in the arm and tells me to shut up, but I continue to laugh anyway.

"And what happened the other day before I left when I said all that stuff about the sire bond...I didn't mean any of it, I was just being a dick."

"Nothing new there," I reply.

"You know that I say whatever's on my mind and I'm not gonna lie to you and pretend everything is perfectly perfect or that I'm over you or that I want to be best man at yours and Stefan's wedding, but what I'm saying is I'm really gonna try."

I can see how sincere he is in everything he's saying, but I still don't understand  _why_.

"I know and I get that, but what I don't get is why. Why are you so willing to just leave me and Stefan alone when a couple of days ago you were so bitter and hateful? I just...I don't get it..." I say with a shake of my head.

"I know and I don't expect you to get it. If I were you I probably wouldn't believe me, but just...just look at me Elena," he gestures at himself and continues with, "I'm a mess and I'm miserable and that's not because of you, it's because of  _me_."

"Hold on. Is this you giving me the whole 'I need to find myself speech'?" I ask a surprised and amused smile on my face.

He rolls his eyes and tuts. "Okay, so maybe I'm doing the whole I need to find myself speech, but that's only because-"

I smile and shake my head at him.

"Oh, shut up, you," he retorts playfully.

I bob my tongue at him and then return back to our conversation as I say, "Look, Damon, I think it's great. I know you're a dick at the best of times, but I know there's good in your heart because I couldn't love someone if they didn't have."

For a moment I swear I can see tears welling up in his eyes, but it passes as quickly as it rises.

"So...are we...okay?" he asks uncertainly, his eyes searching my face.

I sigh deeply and look up to him then nod. "We're okay."

He steps forward to hug me but I hold my hands up and add, "But just because I accept your apology, doesn't mean I can just forgive you over night. I'm still pissed at you."

"Of course," he replies with a nod.

"I promise that I'll work with you to move forward and get to a good place with time, if you just promise me that all of this is over. When we leave this room I want us to be okay,  _really_  okay, because I can't take anymore of that crap that we've been through lately, Damon. I need to make sure you're clear on where we stand because-"

He holds up his hand and states, "Trust me, I know where we stand. Your Stefan's, hands off and all that nonsense."

"I'm serious, Damon."

"So I am," he replies.

"We've both done messed up stuff, we're both to blame for what happened with us, but now we can choose to put it behind us and start moving forward. I need to know you're serious about doing that."

"I am, I am," he insists, his voice high pitched as though he's a naughty school boy getting scalded by his teacher.

I glare at him for a few moments then nod and say, "Good."

"Oh and thanks for defending me earlier by the way," he says.

"You're lucky. For a moment there I almost let them carry on because I quite enjoyed seeing you getting the crap beat out of you."

He rolls his eyes at me again then tilts his head to the side and glares at me and I can't help but let out a chuckle. It's strange that we can joke about such a sensitive and serious issue when it should all still be so raw, but the traumatic and life altering events we've been through in these passing weeks and months has changed Damon, Stefan and I all in different yet drastic ways and this conversation is a clear indicator of that.

When the laughter dips off Damon steps forward and holds out his arms. I've hugged Damon so many times, but for some reason it feels awkward and unfamiliar, so as his arms are encircling me I uncomfortably shift from side to side until my head rests over the top of his left shoulder.

The second he has hold of me all of the awkwardness slips away and for the first time in so long it feels natural to be with him. Our relationship has never been a straightforward one and we've always been teetering on the edge of romance, never quite knowing where we stand or what we mean to each other, but it finally feels that we're past all of that. I accept now that I love Damon, that he's part of my family and that for whatever reason I need him in my life, but I'm no longer hung up on how or where he fits in my life or what we are, because that doesn't matter. I'm in love with Stefan and any uncertainty or anxiety I had about my feelings for him and our future together has long since passed, along with any confusion I may have had about Damon.

Damon has vowed to change in the past, but that was always for my benefit rather than his own, but this time it's for him and maybe that'll be enough. Maybe he's finally accepted that he and I will never be anything more than what we already are and maybe he and I will finally be able to see what we are when we're not caught in a web of ongoing resentment, frustration and blame.

* * *

**DAMON**

I leave Elena's room feeling that a weight has been lifted off my chest. As much as it pains me to have to admit that I've done wrong and sharing my intimate thoughts and feelings is something I'd rather avoid so as to hide my vulnerability, I realise that if I'm serious about changing I have to push through it.

The thing is, I don't even necessarily want to change, it's more like I just want to find out who the real Damon Salvatore is and the only way to do that is to get out of my comfort zone by behaving in ways I usually wouldn't. I need to do this for me, because the truth is, I don't like who I am. I've hidden from that truth by building a wall around myself of bravado consisting of exaggerated arrogance and sarcasm, but I see it now. It's always been in my nature to wallow and then continue on my downward spiral when something happens that I don't like, but I'm sick of that. Maybe Stefan and Ric are right, maybe there is a way for me to be happy, to be better.

My mind keeps wandering back to Katherine and I wonder who I'd be if I'd never met her. My life, my entire being is so connected to her that I can scarcely imagine it. She's made me who I am today, loving her is where it all began for me and I don't know if I hate her for the part she's played in my life or adore her. Until I met Elena I rarely if ever questioned myself or my actions, because Katherine taught me that being a vampire was about having fun, letting go and doing whatever the hell you wanted. I've lived my life like that and through all the misery and darkness, I had some pretty amazing times and I  _liked_  it. Those were the moments I felt truly alive and I'm not sure if I'm prepared to let that go.

All I know is that for now I'm exactly where I want to be. Elena and I seem to be back on the right track, Klaus is just days away from delivering the cure to Elena so she can be human again, Stefan seems more secure than he's been in months and me...I'm free. I can't pin point exactly when or how I let go of Elena and tonne of lead weight that went with loving her, but all I know is that inside I feel that I'm squealing with joy, because now it's my time.

* * *

**ELENA**

Despite no one even reacting when Damon and I arrive back downstairs, I know that Stefan would've noticed our absence. I immediately go over to him perched on the arm of the couch beside Matt and kiss his cheek.

"Everything alright?" he asks quietly.

I nod, give him a reassuring smile and he returns my smile with warmth. He strokes my hair and looks upon me adoringly for a few seconds, before his focus is pulled by the game, as he, Matt, Tyler and Jeremy all exclaim at once. I shake my head and laugh to myself, leaving them to their boyish play.

I go and stand in the kitchen and after a few moments Damon comes over to inform me he's going home and to let Stefan know. He leaves and swiftly after his exit Matt emerges from the living room.

"Matt, everything okay?" I ask immediately sensing how tense he is.

"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine, I actually just wanted to talk to you about something."

I sure as hell don't like the sound of that, but put on my best poker face and gesture for him to speak.

"I...When I went out of town I was actually at an interview for a job," he starts.

"A job? What job?" I ask curiously.

"I'm joining the police academy."

I'm not sure what to ask first, because I'm so taken aback, so instead I just stare at him dumbfounded.

"Yeah, it's something I've been thinking about for a while. Ever since mom left and Vicki died, I've been wondering what the hell I'm still doing here. I need a clean break and so I applied for a place. I didn't expect to hear anything back but-"

"Where's the academy?"

"Florida."

"Florida?" I exclaim. "Matt, do you realise how far that is?"

He chuckles lightly and says softly, "I know it's huge, but I really need this."

"What about school?"

"I don't need school if I'm in the academy."

"Where will you live?"

"That's actually why I went down there. Once I knew I'd got the job I knew I needed to find somewhere, so I checked out some places to rent. I found a few that I like."

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?" I ask, a bumble of emotions brewing inside me.

He nods. "Yeah. I really want this, Elena. I just wanted to wait until I had something more solid before I told you."

"When do you leave?"

"Not for a couple of weeks."

"Who else have you told?"

"No one yet. Well, no one except Jeremy."

"Jeremy?" I question.

"Yeah, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about too."

"Oh, god..." I can't help but say aloud.

"When I was with him the other day he was saying how much he needs to get away, that he needs a clean break and I didn't say anything, I didn't even suggest it, but he asked to come with me to Florida."

"What?" I exclaim in horror, my hand going up to my mouth.

"I told him to speak to you, but he wanted me to."

"Why would he-? How could he-? He can't leave," I say unable to picture my life without Jeremy. "He's just a kid."

"A kid that's been through more than most people have been through in an entire lifetime. He's hurting, Elena. He's lost everyone he cared about and the kid...he's broken."

I shake my head and close my eyes tight not wanting to hear this because the pain is too much to bear.

"He's just like me; a human caught up in this supernatural nightmare."

"He's not human, he's a Hunter," I retort somewhat childishly.

"But he doesn't want to be and you don't want him to be. I know you, Elena and I know how much you love Jeremy and that you want the best for him, maybe getting away from this town and having a fresh start is exactly what he needs."

"So what? You're saying I should let him go? Matt, are you insane? We just lost Bonnie, you're leaving and now you think Jeremy should go too?" I exclaim shaking my head.

He glances back into the living room at the others' as though he doesn't want them to hear us and gestures for the back door. I step out into the garden and he follows closely behind.

"I can't tell you what to do and you know what's best for him. I'm just being your friend and telling you the truth. It could be good for him and I'd be there with him. He wouldn't be alone, I'd take care of him."

He seems so reassured, as though what he's suggesting is him just moving into his house down the street in Mystic Falls rather than 800 miles away across state lines.

"I know you'd take care of him, but that's not what this is about. He just lost Bonnie and he's grieving. He's not thinking with a clear head and he needs guidance. I'm the only family he has left, Matt and it's not a good idea for him to be apart from me. I'm sorry, but no," I say firmly with a shake of my head.

"Like I said, I can't tell you what to do, but next year Jeremy's turning 18 and he's gonna do what he wants anyway."

"And when that time comes, I won't be able to stop him, but for now he's still legally a child and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to protect him."

He nods, then stares at the ground for a few moments before looking back up to meet my eyes.

"Okay, but try think about what he needs not what you need," he states, his eyes boring into me.

"And what's that supposed to me?"

"You know what it means Elena. I think you're the one that is scared of Jeremy leaving and I think you're the one that needs him, not the other way around."

His statement could not be more true and it evokes such deep emotion in me that the tears come rolling down my cheeks before I've even noticed. He reaches his hand out and strokes my arm comfortingly.

"Just...talk to Jeremy about it. You don't have to decide anything now, but just think about what I said. Okay?"

I bite my lip and nod and he pulls me into a warm, bear hug.

"I'll miss you," I whisper, my voice hoarse.

"I'll miss you too," he replies, kissing the top of my head.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan and Elena make up for lost time and in an attempt to take Elena's mind of recent events, Stefan takes Elena out on a date, which results in a fun filled night of passion, desire and even leads to a conversation about their future. Meanwhile, Damon tries to contact Klaus about the cure and reflects on his feelings for Elena, which leads his thoughts to turn to Katherine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit sexual content featured.

**STEFAN**

By late evening everyone leaves and the second the door is closed behind them, Jeremy takes off upstairs telling us he needs some time to be alone. I can see the pain in Elena's face and know she hates the thought of Jeremy putting distance between the two of them, but it's what he needs and she respects that, as do I.

As we settle on the couch beside each other, she turns to look up at me and asks, "Are you staying tonight?"

"That was the plan. Why? Don't you want me to?"

"No, no, it's not that," she scrambles. "I just thought you might want to go back home since Damon's back."

"He'll be okay on his own for one night," I reply and she gives me a grateful smile. "How are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

She shakes her head and I can see in her expression that I've said something wrong.

"What is it?" I ask.

"What?"

"I said something. What was it?"

She sighs and then shakes her head, "No, Stefan, it's...it's silly."

"Tell me."

"I'm just sick of everyone treading on eggshells with me, of worrying I'm gonna fall apart or something," she admits.

"That's not why I asked."

"I know. I know that, but I just want to get back to normal, to forget about everything."

I can tell from the way she's slouching and the expression on her face that she's carrying a weight on her shoulders, but instead of asking her about it or encouraging her to open up, I get up from the couch, turn on the TV and open the cabinet to grab the Playstation controllers.

"Here, catch," I call to her, tossing her one of the controllers.

Despite the suddenness of it she swiftly catches it and a playful smile comes across her face as she asks, "Stefan, what are you doing?"

"Getting back to normal."

"By playing computer games?"

"What could be more normal than a couple engaging in some competitive play?" I ask, rising my eyebrows at her.

She throws herself back onto the couch, holding her hand to her mouth as she chuckles and already the change in her demeanor is visible. I place myself back on the couch beside her, proceed to load the game and then turn to her and say, "I should warn you that nice Stefan's gone now."

"Is that so?" she challenges, a smirk on her lips.

"Yup, 'fraid so. It's what's necessary for me to be able to whoop your ass."

She slaps me and we both descend into laughter.

* * *

**ELENA**

With something as simple as playing Playstation Stefan manages to completely take all of my troubles away and for an hour we scream at each other, laugh until our sides hurt and get ourselves lost in normality.

Before we even manage to finish the game we discard our controllers onto the floor and pounce on one another, unable to resist the sexual tension between us. However, before we can go any further the sound of Jeremy stomping about in his room reminds us where we are and so we grab our coats and head out. Neither of us are sure where we're going, but we're excitable and itching to get out of the house.

We take Stefan's car, drive out of town and end up stopping off at a random bar neither of us have been to in the high street. Seeing as it's the weekend the bars and pubs are buzzing with life and I wind my fingers with Stefan's as we walk down the street. I catch women stealing glances at Stefan, their mouths slightly parted in awe and instead of feeling jealousy, all I feel is booming pride and satisfaction that he's mine. He's so modest that he doesn't notice their eyes on him and he seems to be lost in me.

We progress from one bar to the other, having a drink at each and tonight is a night just for us. We don't talk about Bonnie, Jeremy, Damon, the cure, Klaus or anything else that's been troubling us over the passing days, instead we just revel in being in each other's company. I forgot how fun Stefan was when he was free of stress and responsibility. I love every part of him, but seeing him so relaxed, at ease and looking like the youthful teenager he's supposed to be, means that the joyous smile that's on my face never falters.

I steal kisses from him continuously and our hands barely leave each other, as though we can't get enough. Every time his hand slides up my leg and his fingers trace gentle circles on my bare skin, I feel my insides clench with a desperate need for him. Usually I would adopt a respectful and graceful stance on public displays of affection, but today all of that is thrown out of the window. Even as I straddle him, massaging my tongue against his hard and fast, his hands trailing up my dress and groans escaping both of us, I forget the watchful eyes that are on us.

Usually my need for him pushes me to give into him instantly, but tonight I can feel the tension between us building and we both intentionally add to it, teasing each other and always leaving each other hungry for that little bit more, enjoying the intoxicating thrill of it.

I forget that today was the day of my best friend's memorial, that just days ago I was dead and that my brother might be moving 800 miles away, because right now I'm so alive that nothing else matters, except Stefan and I and this moment in time.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I barely take me eyes off Elena for even a second. The make-up she applied this morning before the memorial has been melted away by the tears she's cried and her hair is kinky from the drizzle we got caught in, but there is a light in her eyes and genuine joy in her laughter that makes her look even more beautiful than usual. We only order four drinks each at the most, because we're so distracted by being with one another. Besides, I don't need alcohol, I'm completely intoxicated by her. Even amongst the buzz of chatter and booming music all I hear is her voice and all I see is her face.

When the bar we're in calls last orders we leave and take off further down the street to the next open bar. When we get inside it's even more lively than the last place and drunken students are dancing and singing karaoke atrociously. We manage to find a free table and Elena watches, giggling at the two young men engaging in a dramatic duet of 'Summer Nights' from Grease.

Despite the crowd of people being diverse from college students to middle aged couples, it's a place I wouldn't usually hang out in, but in spite of that I find myself having fun and I even feel that I fit amongst the insanely energetic and enthusiastic people that sing along to the songs and whoop and cheer when the men hit the final high note with a deafening screech.

Everyone erupts in a series of applaud and laughter and the men grab each other into a tight hug, slapping each other's back and chuckling loudly. This type of fun is so different than anything I've ever experienced that it almost feels that I've fell into an alternate universe. Usually my idea of fun would be sipping on cocktails or swigging whisky, whilst compelling some innocent hoard to indulge in my vulgar games before I drained them dry. It was a sick, dangerous and dark kind of fun, that although was soberingly serious that became the norm for me. But this? This is a new kind of fun that I've never witnessed before.

When I look around at the people I can sense that none of them are fulfilled, that they're all crying out for more, but on this night they're just living for now, just like Elena and I. They sit across from their loved ones, sing, dance, joke and laugh and it's so innocent, so harmless and in some ways ridiculous that they could be enjoying themselves so much when nothing much is going on, but I love it.

From the moment I got back in touch with my humanity and started feeding on animal blood, I found myself craving to be a part of the human world again and here I am, a part of something that I don't recall being a part of even when I was human. Although Elena is a vampire too, it's been such a short time since she was human that she integrates here perfectly and think even she forgets that she's no longer human.

The two men that were singing jump off the podium and drunkenly stumble over to the bar to order drinks, clinging onto one another as they go. A bald headed man bursting with enthusiasm and with a snake tattoo on his neck jumps onto the podium and calls out for the next couple to sing the next song. Surprisingly the booming chatter and laughter dips off immediately as everyone cowers in their seats, all of them shying away from the spotlight.

"We'll do it!" Elena exclaims jumping up from her seat and raising her hand.

For a moment I don't realise it's her that's stood up, but when she turns her head to look down at me with pleading eyes I shake my head violently.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. No way," I say waving my hand at her.

She tilts her head to the side and gives me her puppy dog face and I reply firmly, "Elena, no. I mean it."

Despite my protests she reaches for my hand and pulls me up with all her strength. She manages to lift me from my seat but I fight against her to sit back down, until the man on the podium shouts, "Oh, come on, buddy. We all want to hear you duet, right guys?"

The bar erupts once more with the sounds of chanting for me to go on stage and I know there's no way to get out of this.

"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" they shout over and over again with a clap of their hands.

I scowl at Elena and get to my feet, but the amused grin on her face never falters and she practically drags me to the front. Once we're up on the podium the man thrusts a mic into my hand and asks, "What are your names?"

"I'm Elena."

He places the mic under my nose and I blink rapidly and say, "Um...Stefan."

He chuckles lightly and announces, "We've got a nervous one tonight, eh?" He places his hand on my shoulder as he says, "Don't look so scared, fella. Just follow the words on screen and you'll be fine."

He slaps my shoulder and I grimace, his words not having comforted my one bit. Elena stands beside me, her shoulders back and she seems raring to go, as though she was born to do this. I've always know Elena has a confidence and extroverted nature that I've probably rarely had the chance to see since I've met her, but she really caught me off guard with this.

The screen lights up with the words "(I've Had) The Time of My Life, Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes" and I turn to Elena, giving her a death stare. She pokes me lightly in the ribs and I look out to the crowd who all have their eyes fixated on us waiting for the song to begin. Everyone in the English speaking world knows the song, but even as the words come onto the screen I doubt that any words will come out at all when I open my mouth, which is as dry as sandpaper.

"Now, I've had the time of my life..." I sing, my voice so quiet that it can barely be heard over the sound of the music.

My body is stiff and when Elena picks up her verse, her voice projecting out across the room and her voice, tuneless and the hint of a giggle hidden amongst it. I look at her in astonishment, as she sways to the music and sings into the mic as though she was born to do it (even though her voice sounds like a cat dying a slow and painful death).

Her enthusiasm immediately vamps up the crowd and on my second verse I attempt to put more effort in, following Elena's example. Although I'm slightly out of time, the crowd still cheers us on and as the chorus draws nearer, mine and Elena's lines grow shorter and closer together, until she's facing me and directly singing them at me. I never took my eyes from her, because the thought of looking out at the eyes staring at us is too daunting.

When it gets to the chorus a beaming smile comes across her face as she sings along, getting lost in the music and even though I can still feel how stiff my body is with annoyance at her dragging me up here and the nerves of being in the spotlight, seeing her so at ease and enjoying herself instantly takes some of that tension away and slowly but surely my voice grows louder.

The fast tempo of the song means that at first I fail to connect the meaning of the lyrics to mine and Elena's relationship, but on the third chorus it resonates with me.

"I've had the time of my life...and I owe it all to you..."

I meet Elena's eyes, the smile has fallen from her face and there's an intense look in her eyes that I've only ever seen her get when she's looking at me and I know that she's no longer singing for the crowd, it's for me and to me. I step in towards her, we reach our hands out to one another and I forget any awkwardness of anxiety I felt just moments ago to be performing in front of an entire room full of people, because it's not about them anymore, it's about us.

I no longer pay attention to how well or how loud I'm singing, but when the song ends the crowd applauds and we break away from our lingering gaze to address the crowd.

"Whoa! Now that was really something, right, guys?" the entertainer hollers as he steps onto the podium, getting in between Elena and I. "Pretty intense. You're one lucky guy."

I nod and reply with, "I know," my gaze fixed on Elena, whose shyness has returned as she bows her head modestly and blushes slightly.

The crowd's attention soon turns from us to the next couple that's going to sing and Elena and I make a hasty exit, hand in hand. The second we get outside I have her pinned up against the wall, kissing her so hungrily that we're both gasping for breath.

"I can't believe we just did that," I say.

She giggles. "I know."

"I'm still mad at you for dragging me up there," I pout taking a step back from her.

"No, you're not," she replies, dragging me back to her by my shirt.

We collide, let out a chuckle and I gently sweep her hair from her face.

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"I know," she says jokingly, raising her eyebrows at me playfully.

"No, I mean it, you are," I insist. I don't want to do anything that could potentially end the high we're on, but can't help but add, "How do you do it? How do you always stay so strong?"

She shrugs and says, "Like a wise man once told me, you have to keep living your life. I know it probably seems wrong to be having so much fun when Bonnie's not here, but I...I know this is what she'd want. She told me this is what she wants. She wants me to be happy and being with you...it makes me happy."

I lean into her, kiss her head softly and she slides her hands around my neck. I rest my head against hers, keeping my eyes on her and in this moment it hits me like a fork of lightning just how much I really do love her. There hasn't been a moment when my love for her faded and each day we were together my feelings for her only blossomed, even the struggles and heartache we faced in some way transformed the love and although it was new, it was even stronger than before. But now...it's more profound and soul defining than it's ever been.

I'm in love with her. I'm in love with every single part of her and not separation, death, betrayal or heartbreak has changed that and I know that for as long as she and I are walking the same earth that love will always exist, because it defies circumstance or reason and is a force so infinite that even as I stare down at her I'm trembling with the earth shifting power of it.

* * *

**ELENA**

We take the car and drive out into the country, coming to a stop amongst a vast open space of fields lined with woodland. Before Stefan has even had chance to turn the ignition off I leap across the car, pressing my lips to his hard and fast. I reach for the handle and the car door flies open, causing the two of us to fall out onto the cool grass.

We giggle as we roll about and the absence of street lights, mean the rich, dark, royal blue pigmentation of the sky is vibrant and the stars twinkle brightly in contrast, making me feel that the entire universe is at our feet.

It's only second before we begin shedding each other's clothes, the incessant teasing that's been taking place between us all night finally having reached it's peak. Neither of us seem to care that the grass is slightly damp from the drizzle this morning and don't stop until we're both completely naked, needing to feel every inch of each other's flesh.

Since we've been back together my appetite for him never seems to be satisfied and being vampires amplifies the sexual attraction and desire we have for one another whilst giving us an incomprehensible stamina that means we're never tired and we've never had enough.

Sometimes it feels that it's the only possible way that I'm able to express the want and need I have for him because my body is able to instinctively communicate the things to him that I'm unable to verbally.

The foreplay we've indulged in all night means our bodies are coiled tight, ready to be undone and with no prying eyes or ears we let loose, making wild, passionate love under the stars. Even Stefan, who is usually quiet squeals and screams out in pleasure as I pull out all the stops.

I'm not sure how long it is before we stop or how many orgasms we burn through before we finally decide to rest, but afterwards we climb into the bonnet of the car and with my head rested on his chest and our clothes draped over our hot and sticky bodies, we talk about the one topic that we have touched upon only once before; our future.

"Stefan?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think's gonna happen now? I mean...now that it's all over, with Silas and the cure."

I know I'm stepping into uncomfortable territory by even touching upon it, but when Stefan and I were together we always shared everything with one another, even the stuff we'd rather avoid or keep to ourselves and of all the things in our relationship that's one element that I want to remain unchanged.

I feel his heartbeat spike as it beats faster against my ear. "Well...it's not definitley over," he admits honestly.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Katherine's got the cure and with Katherine being Katherine, she'll have some sort of plan up her sleeve."

I sigh deeply. "So it's not over?"

"I didn't say that. We don't know what's gonna happen, but right now, we don't need to worry about that, okay? If the day comes where we need to intervene, we will but for now all I care about is that you're safe. I already lost you once because of the cure and I won't let it happen again."

He brushes my hair lightly and I know he's attempting to ease any stress I may have, but I can tell by the tone of his voice that he's still anxious.

"How...How do you feel about the cure? About Katherine having it?"

"I...I don't know. I mean...I haven't really had much time to think about it," I admit, and it's true. I've been back for less than a week and although the cure was at the forefront of my mind before I died, losing Bonnie has completely obliterated any thought of it.

"So you're okay that we might never get it? That you might have to stay you know...a vampire."

I twist my head to look up at him and say, "Stefan, I never wanted to be a vampire and you know that and of course, I'd love to find the cure and be human again, but if there's one thing I've realised since being back it's that life - all life - is precious. It doesn't matter if I'm a vampire, I'm still here."

"What about the sire bond?" he inquires.

I sigh deeply. "I know it's not ideal, but there's nothing we can do about it without the cure."

"And you're okay with spending the rest of your life sired to Damon?"

I shake my head, "Of course not, but that's just another thing I don't get a choice in. Besides, I don't think we have anything to worry about with Damon."

"What do you mean?" he asks, a confused frown on his face.

I realise then that I haven't had chance to fill him in on the conversation Damon and I had earlier today.

"Oh, just Damon spoke to me earlier."

"He did? Why didn't you tell me?" he asks.

"With everything I guess it just slipped my mind."

"So what'd he say?"

"That he had some time to think when he went away and he wants to change."

"Damon change? That's a first."

"I know, I thought the same thing, but I dunno...something about him seemed...different somehow."

"Maybe that's just his guilt about Bonnie coming out sidewards," Stefan says, his lack of faith in Damon apparent.

"Hmm, maybe, but I think it's more than that. Wherever he went on that trip, something must've happened. Something big."

"He said he met up with a friend," he informs me.

I nod and for a moment ponder over who it could be, but Damon has no friends, only enemies.

"What else did he say?"

"Just that he respects that I'm with you now and that he won't push the boundaries anymore," I tell him.

"And you believe him?"

I shrug and then say, "I...I think I do. I know you don't trust him and you have every right with everything that's happened, but you didn't see the way he was. Me dying and coming back and Bonnie dying...it changed him too. It changed all of us."

Stefan nods. "Maybe you're right. I really, really want to believe that this is the time that he'll finally change, but I've heard it from him so many times before and he slips straight back into his old ways."

"I know, I know, but we need to be supportive. It's never going to be perfect with us and him, but he's your brother and we both care about him and I think that even though he'd never admit it, he needs both of us. He especially needs you."

"And what does that mean for us?" he asks anxiety in his eyes.

My eyes go wide, surprised that he would ask that question after everything that's happened between us lately. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means Damon's my brother and whether we like it or not he's always going to be around. I just...I wonder if we can handle that."

I know how insecure Stefan is when it comes down to anything to do with Damon and even more so with everything that happened between Damon and I, but still I'm stunned that he really believes Damon could come between us again.

"Stefan, you have nothing to be worried about. I know that when we broke up and Damon and me...well, I know what it did to you, I love  _you_. Do you really think I'd be here now if I didn't?"

"I know you love me, but I also know you love Damon and-"

I shake my head and reach up for his face. "Stefan, no. I admit for a long time I was confused, I didn't know what or who I wanted, but I do now. All of that stuff with Damon...it was something that happened because of where I was, but it was never the same. Deep down there was always something nagging at me, always a part of me that was missing, because you're the one, Stefan. You always have been."

He hangs his head and nods, but I can sense he's still not convinced.

"No matter what happened, I never stopped loving you. You know that."

"I know," he says softly.

"Then why do you look like you don't believe me?"

"It's not that, I'm...I'm being stupid. I'm just so happy right now and I can't bear the thought of losing you again," he admits, grimacing as though he's in physical pain just from the mere memories of our break-up. "I need to know that whatever's been going on with you and Damon is  _really_  over for you."

"Stefan, it's been over for me since the moment you kissed me that day in the rain and Damon knows that."

He sighs deeply and I add, "I know I have no right to ask you this after what I've done, but do you...do you trust me?"

Silence extends between us for a few seconds and then he meets my eyes and replies with, "I trust you."

Relief flows through me and I ask, "Do you trust Damon?"

He hesitates longer this time then stutters, "I...I dunno. I want to, but I...I dunno."

"You need to talk to him, Stefan. You've been spending all of this time with me, rebuilding our relationship, but your relationship with your brother is still-"

"Broken," he interjects.

"Don't push him away. I know he's not perfect, but neither am I and neither are you."

"Even now you still fight to see the best in him. That's why he loves you, because I think you're the only person that ever has."

I bow my head and then look back up to him and say, "You see the good in him too, you just ignore it. I'm just some girl he's known for a year, but you're his brother and he loves you. You know him better than anyone, Stefan, and you're the one that's gonna help him to move past all of this, not me."

"You really believe that?" he asks, his voice high.

"I do. When you lost your humanity I told Damon it wouldn't be me that would save you it would be him and I was right."

"But Damon hasn't flipped the switch on his humanity..."

"But he's lost, just like you were. He tries to make it all about me, but it's not. He may love me, but he loves you more, he's just too stubborn to admit it."

In the passing months I've gained more insight into Damon and Stefan's relationship than ever before and I know that Stefan knows what I'm saying is true, but just like Damon he is too stubborn to admit just how connected he is to his brother and how much love their is between them, so he just nods and says, "I'll talk to him tomorrow."

I nod and he wraps his arm about my shoulder pulling me into him.

"I'm sorry," he whispers against my hair. "I didn't mean to bring all of that up. We've had such an amazing night and things are going so well with us and I'm happy, but it's still early days and you have to know that that stuff is still there."

"I know, I know it is and it's not just gonna go away overnight, but we'll work on it and I promise we'll get through it, just like we get through everything else. And we do have the rest of eternity to work on it, so there's no excuses," I say with a light laugh.

He laughs too then adds, "What did I ever do to be lumbered with you for the rest of eternity, huh?"

I elbow him in the ribs and he laughs harder, then I lean up to him and kiss him softly. "I know you're probably tired of hearing me say it, but I really do love you."

The smile fades from his face and his eyes are overcome become hazy and intense, just as they always do when I tell him I love him and I know that regardless of how many times I say it, I can still sense that it means  _everything_  to him to hear it, which he confirms as he replies with, "Elena, I could never get tired of hearing that."

I beam up at him and he runs his fingers through my hair, strokes my cheek and I lay my head back down on his chest. Despite the talk about our future being as uncertain as the one we had at the lakehouse all those months ago, I feel more certain and secure in our future than I've ever been.

* * *

**DAMON**

I usually crave to be in the company of others, but tonight I'm glad to be in an empty house and have time alone with my thoughts. I make a hundredth attempt to call Klaus, but predictably it goes straight through to voicemail.

"Klaus if you don't start answering my calls soon my feelings are gonna get really hurt."

I hang up and despite being anxious to hear from Klaus I switch my phone off, wanting to shut the outside world out just for one night. For once a conversation I've had with Elena has left me feeling relaxed and unburdened and aside from lingering concerns about Klaus and the cure, there's not much else playing on my mind except for Stefan. No doubt Elena has already told him what I spoke to her about earlier, since she tells him everything, but I still want the chance to talk to him myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, other than what I told Elena, but strangely I'm more nervous to speak to him than I was to speak to Elena.

As the older brother I've always known that I should be the responsible one, the one that apologises first and keeps the relationship between us strong, so it's probably myself that it's been so strained and fragmented. Even when Stefan has assumed my role and attempted to stand up and reach out to me, I've pushed him away. Just months ago he gave up everything to save my life. Elena, his life in Mystic Falls,  _himself_. I never even thanked him for that and instead used his absence as an opportunity to grow closer with Elena.

I always thought our first kiss was merely a result of our blossoming feelings that developed organically, but now I can see that from the very second I set my sights on Elena I was determined to have her one way or another, and although I never would've admitted it until now, it huge part of it was about getting one up on Stefan. My love for Elena only changed after we'd slept together because somehow through the discovery of the sire bond and hunt for the cure I realised that it was about more than winning. I wanted Elena to be happy -  _really_  happy - and I still do, that's why she's with Stefan now instead of me.

I still love her and I'm not sure if that will ever change, but I accept that regardless of how strongly I feel for her or how amazing I imagine it to be if we were to ever be together, the reality is that for her it was never the same. She never loved me the way she loved Stefan, she never looked at me the way she looked at Stefan and I never made her happy the way Stefan did. Even when she was at her lowest after turning and she sought me out for relief, it was still only temporary and fleeting happiness.

I don't know how or why everything I think has changed so much in such a short space of time, because my emotions remain the same; I'm still the same bitter, angry, lonely little man I've always been but now my eyes have been opened. I'm not sure if the things I've realised are things I've always known but failed to admit or acknowledge or if I really have been completely blind and naive all this time, but regardless I'm thankful for it.

Knowing Elena is with Stefan will always sting, but I can't bring myself to regret a single second I've spent being in love with her, because it's knowing her that has given me the courage to be truly selfless for the first time in my life. It still doesn't come naturally and I'm not sure if it ever will, but letting Elena go and accepting her and Stefan is as much for her as it is for me. In the past whenever I committed a selfless act it was all in the name of winning Elena's approval and love, but my love for Elena stems from the fact that deep down I want to be more like her, more like Stefan. I want to be kind, I want to be selfless and as much as I pretend otherwise, I want to be the kind of person that's loved and liked by others, because the main source of my pain is the loneliness and desperate craving for human affection and unconditional love I crave.

I thought that Elena was the one that would provide me with that, but the moment she came back to life and fell into Stefan's arms I realised how wrong I was. Their love had overcome so much and in some strange way I admired that, but when it overcame death that's when I realised the true depth of their love and understood with perfect clarity that I can't compete with that. A love that strong is so rare that it can only possibly be a once in a lifetime thing. Maybe I already had it with Katherine or maybe I'm still waiting for it, but either way Elena isn't it for me, no matter how much I wish she might be.

The future has never been something I've thought of, because immortality means there's really no need to, but lately all I can think about is what's going to happen tomorrow and next week and next year. Part of me is excited to give Elena the cure, not only because I want her to finally see that I  _do_  love her and that I  _am_  of putting her happiness before mine, but because it's the final thing left to do before I can truly move on. I vowed to deliver the cure to Elena and to free her of the sire bond and that's what I'm going to do. What comes next is anyone's guess...

I reach for my phone and switch it on, unable to ignore the niggling feeling in my stomach that perhaps Klaus has tried to contact me. After a couple of minutes a text comes through and I eagerly open it only to see that it's from Stefan.

"Won't be back tonight, so don't wait up. We'll talk tomorrow."

I sigh deeply, pour myself a drink and suddenly become overwhelmed with the need to be with someone. My mind wanders to Katherine and it's not for the first time. The truth is she's been lingering in my mind ever since I left Pennsylvania and even before that, she was never far from my mind. There were moments when I would catch myself thinking of her at the most random times and I'd tell myself that it was nothing but habit, but now I wonder if it's more than that and that maybe I'm right and she was the one for me and I let her get away. The second the thought enters my mind I push it back out and laugh aloud at how ridiculous that thought is.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elena says goodbye to Matt and Jeremy as they prepare to move to Florida. Much needed heart-to-heart's are had as Stefan, Elena and Damon finally begin to repair the cracks in their broken relationships and move towards a brighter future. But Damon is still withholding the truth about the cure which will soon catch up to them.

**ELENA**

The days that follow Bonnie's memorial pass me by. I plucked up the courage to confront Jeremy about moving away with Matt the morning after Bonnie's memorial, which was...difficult to say the least. The first attempt wound up in a huge argument that ended with Jeremy storming out of the house in a rage, mainly because instead of approaching the subject maturely and listening to Jeremy, I  _told_  him that he wasn't going anywhere. Even Stefan couldn't calm me down after the fight and it was actually a conversation with Caroline, Matt and Tyler that convinced me to apologise to Jeremy and try again. Probably because they're his friends as much as mine and they know him in ways that Stefan doesn't and they made me see how childish and selfish I was being.

The second attempt went a lot more smoothly than the first and instead of jumping down his throat I gave him a chance to openly express his thoughts and emotions, which is what we both really needed given the distance between us since Bonnie's death.

"I really need this, Elena," he told me. "I know it doesn't make sense to you, because I should want to be here, at home with my family and friends, but too much has happened. We never talk about it but we've both known how depressed I've been here and not just since Bonnie, but since mom and dad. It's never felt right,  _I've_  never felt right. Somehow along the way you found your way, found people you loved and a way to live your life, but me? I never did."

His words struck a chord with me, because I knew what he was saying was true. Since the second we lost our parents I saw a darkness overtake him that was different than the one that I faced, that was more persistent and that got into the very depths of his soul. I think I avoided it and pretended it wasn't there because I didn't want to admit that my little brother was struggling through that.

"I know and I'm sorry, Jer. I should've been there for you more and done something...just something. That's why I made Damon compel you the night Vickie died. It was to protect you because I knew you couldn't handle anymore that it would...push you over the edge."

"And that's why I have to go. You'll always be my sister and Mystic Falls will always be my home, but I don't belong here. I need to get out there on my own and find something that's me, build my own life. I know you don't want me to go because you'll miss me, but you have to see that this is best for me."

"What about school?" I asked in one final, pathetic attempt to find something - anything - as to why he had to stay.

"I'll transfer just like Matt. People do it all the time."

"But so soon? Matt already applied for his transfer, but you won't have everything ready by the end of the week?"

"Tyler or Caroline can compel me a place."

I gasp, surprised that he of all people would suggest that.

"And what about finances? You don't even have a job."

"The apartment we're staying in is paid for by the academy and Matt'll still have a part time job for the weekends and I'll try to get one too. We'll be fine, Elena," he reassures me."

I sigh deeply and scratch my head. "Trust me, I know why you want to go, Jer and I want you to be happy more than anything but it's...it's too soon."

"Matt's been arranging all of this for months. It's not some half assed decision he made."

"No, but he's been arranging it just for him and you decided a couple of days ago to tag along. Have you even thought about the pressure that puts on him to have a teenager in tow when he's about to go through one of the most important transitions of his life?"

He reached for my hand and said softly, "Elena, I know it's a lot to take in and that you're trying to find any reason for me not to go, but Matt's fine with it. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have told you, would he? To be honest, I think he's pretty glad to not be alone. You just need to have a little more faith, I know it's moved insanely fast but we'll be fine."

"Exactly, it has moved insanely fast and that's my point. Don't you think you need more time to think? Look, I'm not saying don't go, but maybe you should wait until after you've graduated and you can make your own plans of where you want to go and what you want to do and I'll help you. I know you have to grow up sometime and I promise I won't cling to you forever, but Jer, you're still my baby brother and I don't want you to go yet."

The conversation continued back and fourth like this, with me expressing my upset, fear and dread at the prospect of him leaving and him explaining how much this means to him, until eventually all I could do was say yes. Jeremy is going to be 18 in a few months and free to go wherever he pleases, I knew it would be better for him to leave home now, with my blessing and support and my best friend to take care of him than for him to rebel and run away from home in the middle of the night out of spite for me keeping him prisoner.

Once I'd gave my blessing he took me into his arms, swung me around and plastered me with grateful kisses and it was the most genuine happiness I'd seen him display since I could remember and in that moment I realised that no matter how much hurt it would cause me to say goodbye to him, I was doing the right thing.

It's been three days since then and all any of us have been doing is helping Matt and Jeremy prepare for the move to Florida. Caroline and Tyler took a flight over yesterday, before Jeremy and Matt's flight out today, as they're going to help Matt and Jeremy get settled in and Tyler's going to compel Jeremy a place at the local high school. Usually the thought of using compulsion for personal gain like that would unsettle me, but Jeremy being in school is more important so I overlook it this once.

I barely leave Jeremy's side the entire day as he packs up his room and despite the excitement I can see in his face at the prospect of leaving, I'm filled with sadness. Everything has changed so much so fast that I can barely get my head around it. I thought that losing me would make Jeremy want to cling to me at all costs, just as it has with Stefan, but I realise that as much as he loves me he's his own person with his own calling and he needs to go out there and find it.

Bonnie is never far from my thoughts and I wonder what she would think about Jeremy's sudden decision to move. I can almost hear her whispering in my ear, telling me it'll all be okay and that I'm doing the right thing by being the best big sister I could be. I wish I could believe that, but then my parents appear in Bonnie's place and I doubt that, because I know they would be mortified at the thought of their baby leaving home at the age of 17 and of Jeremy and I being apart. They raised us with family values as the central component of our lives and Jeremy leaving goes against that.

Throughout the day as I help Jeremy load boxes and carry them to Matt's truck, I stammer and attempt to ask Jeremy to stay multiple times, before chickening out. I always imagined that Jer and I would live in Mystic Falls our entire lives, always living close to mom and dad and having a Sunday roast together each week but all of that changed when their car went off Wickery Bridge and when we discovered the supernatural. That ordinary life I had envisioned for both of us can never happen now, at least not here in Mystic Falls and that's why I know I can't ask him to stay.

Even if everything we've been through is truly over, there will always be something else just lurking round the corner to jump out at us and turn our lives upside down all over again and the truth is, I want him as far away from that as possible. Even if I can't get away from it, he can and if he does change his mind and wants to come back home, I'll always be here. That's the one comfort I cling to with everything I have. That and the fact that there's phones and laptops that mean I can talk to him every single day and trust me, I will be speaking to him every single day, no matter how sick and tired of me he gets.

"That's the last box of Jeremy's," I inform Matt, placing it in the boot.

"Cool," he replies.

"What are you doing about your truck?" I ask.

"Did Jer not tell you? I wanted you to keep it in your garage and drive it down when you visit."

"I guess I can do that," I say and he nods and thanks me.

I nod, then step forward and wrap my arms about his waist.

"Hey," he says, my hug catching him by surprise. "You alright?"

"I just...I wish you weren't going. I'm gonna miss you," I admit. "We've lived in the same town since the day we were born, Matt."

He kisses my head and says, "You can visit whenever you want, you know?"

"I know," I nod.

"And we'll come back home and we'll talk on the phone all the time. This was always gonna happen; all of us going our separate ways. We just didn't expect it to happen until graduation."

"I guess you're right."

"We should be happy, this is probably the most normal thing that's happened in our lives in forever."

He's right and I know I should be pleased, but all I can do is think about the gaping hole that's already in my life due to Bonnie's absence and how much bigger that hole is gonna become now that I'm losing both Jeremy and Matt. I know it's not the same and they're not dying, only moving away, but they're still gonna be gone and I'm still gonna be faced with them not being here every single day.

"I am proud of you, you know?" I say looking up to him. "I don't think I've said it yet, but I am. You'll be a great police officer."

"Thanks," he beams with gratitude.

"Is that everything?" Stefan asks stepping out of the house, Jeremy beside him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so," I reply.

Stefan comes straight over to me and rubs my arm comfortingly. "You sure you don't want me to come to the airport?" he asks again.

"I'm sure. I'll be fine. Besides you need to talk to Damon, you can't avoid him forever."

He groans quietly then plants a brief kiss on my lips and says, "I hate it when you're right."

He gives Matt and Jeremy a hug, they utter their goodbyes and tells me he'll call me later before climbing into his car and reversing off the drive. Seeing him drive off down the street strikes me with acute nausea and although I know I'll see Stefan in only a matter of hours, I think it reminds me that when I wave off Matt and Jeremy at the airport I don't know when I will next see them.

"Ready then?" Matt asks.

I gulp loudly and climb into the truck, whilst Jeremy climbs into the passenger seat and I instantly begin to regret telling Stefan not to come, because even something as simple as having his hand to hold would provide me with an immense amount of support and comfort.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I get back to the Boarding House to find Damon in the kitchen sat over a plate of pasta, a book open beside him and a glass of red wine on the coaster.

"Wait, wait, wait," I say waving my finger in the air. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

"You're hilarious," he retorts sarcastically and I let out a light laugh.

"So to what do I owe the pleasure?" he asks.

"Did you forget that I live here?"

"Well, since you're never here, yeah."

I sit on the seat across from him and there's an positive and upbeat aurora about him that makes the interaction between us flow with ease, despite the lack of communication between us lately. I promised to talk to him the day after Bonnie's memorial, but when Elena filled me in about Jeremy's move, that became our priority and aside from the odd conversation here and there when I've stopped by the house to collect clothes or blood, we haven't spoke.

"So, what's up?"

"Just wanted to catch up. We haven't really spoke since you-"

"Gate crashed Bonnie's memorial?" he interjects.

"Well, yeah."

"Not much to catch up on," he says with a causal shrug.

"Really? Because since you've been back you've been...different."

"Look, Stefan, lets just skip the part where we both pretend Elena hasn't already told you what I said to her yesterday and get to the point."

"Okay, yeah," I reply with a nod. "She told me."

"And?"

"And I wanna know what happened when you went away that's changed you so much."

"Maybe it didn't change me. Maybe I've just realised I'm sick of being the same old Damon."

I shake my head. "No, no, there's more to it. I know it."

"I'm doing what you wanted, Stefan. I'm taking a step back from Elena and I'm trying to be the better person you always say you know I can be. I thought you'd be doing a celebratory dance."

"Yeah and I would be if I knew  _why_."

"Can't you just accept that it's happened? For whatever reason I've seen sense, okay? It's over. No more pining after Elena and feeling sorry for myself. Things are gonna change."

I'm starting to see why Elena has so much faith in this new and improved Damon. There's something different about him, a sense of determination that I've never seen before. Usually when he makes these vows or promises to be better and try harder they're completely empty, but there's something in his eyes and tone of voice that tells me he really means it this time.

Despite that I can't help but approach him with skepticism as I continue to pry as to what has caused this sudden turnaround.

"People don't just change. It's not something that happens overnight."

"Well, you'd know all about that wouldn't you, Ripper?" he stabs.

"Yeah, I do know and that's why I'm telling you it doesn't just happen overnight. You have to fight and you have to  _really_  want it for yourself, not anyone else otherwise it won't happen", I tell him. "So look me in the eye and tell me that this is real and that you want this for you and I'll believe you."

I go right up to him, fixating my harsh gaze on him and he swallows, then reaches his hands out onto my shoulders and says, "It's real and I want it, for  _me_."

I'm momentarily stunned by the conviction with which he speaks and truth reflected in his eyes as he says those words and all doubt fades.

He lets go of me, turns his back to me and lets out a huge sigh. "You don't believe me and that's perfectly fine. But like I said before, Elena dying then Bonnie dying to bring her back...it made me rethink a lot of stuff, stuff that I only really realised when I was away."

"Damon, it doesn't matter whether or not I believe you. I'm just your brother, it's your life."

He nods, takes a deep breath and says, "I am sorry, you know."

I frown at him in confusion and he adds, "For everything that I've put you through in the last century."

I stare at him wide eyed. Damon doesn't apologise and especially not to me.

"I know I promised you an eternity of misery, but I think that's one promise I'm not gonna be able to keep."

"Are you being serious right now?" I ask in disbelief.

He laughs and nods. "I spent all this time being mad at you for every bad thing that's ever happened in my life - blaming you, resenting you - but I was the problem all along."

"Damon..."

"Shut up, will you? Before I take back what I said about the promise to give you an eternity of misery."

I fall silent and he continues with, "I don't think I ever really hated you, I hated that I wasn't you and I hated me. Every time I screwed things up, every time I did something stupid I'd think 'what the hell's wrong with me?' but I never really let it in. I never did anything about it, I just carried on being the same person I always was and then when I met Elena...it wasn't some earth stopping moment that everything changed, but somewhere along the way knowing her, loving her, losing her, ...it  _did_  change me."

I nod understandingly and say, "It changed me too, Damon."

"I know, but just-just let me finish," he insists. "In some twisted way I think I loved Elena because you did. I saw how she changed you and I wanted that for me. I wanted  _her_ and I still do _..."_

Hearing that confession feels like a stab to the heart, even though I know that Elena will never go back to him.

"...but I realised I can't be with her without hurting you and I don't want to."

I scoff loudly and he insists, "Okay, I admit, sometimes I get pleasure out of inflicting pain on you, but I mean it. You gave up everything to save my life and no matter how many terrible things I did to you, you still stuck by my side. I became so obsessed with Elena that I forgot that the one person that has always been there was my little brother."

I stare on at him in shock, unable to believe that it's Damon that's speaking these words. Does he  _really_  feel this way? I thought I knew him inside and out, but this...I had no idea.

"You said I had to make a choice and my first choice was me, then I thought about it some more and thought, no, it's  _us_."

"Us?" I question.

"Yeah, me and you. There's no saying whether we'll ever be able to get past everything that's happened between us over the last century, but I wanna try."

"Are you serious?" I ask again, still unable to believe what I'm hearing.

He nods and replies with, "I'm deadly serious."

"You want-you want to start again?"

He shrugs and nods.

"But it's you and it's me and what about Elena?"

"What about her?" He sighs deeply, then steps closer to me and admits, "Look, Stef, I'm not gonna tell you I don't love her, because we both know that'd be a lie. But I know me and her...it's never gonna happen. As much as it pains me to admit this, you were right. I was miserable and so was she and life's too short for that."

"Damon, we're immortal," I retort.

"Ah, you know what I mean," he replies with a gesture of his hand. "So what do you say, brother? Clean slate?"

He extends his hand to me and I look down at it, then back up to his face doubtfully.

The irony is this is all I've wanted from Damon for as long as I can remember - forgiveness, a second chance, a fresh start - and here he is offering it to me, yet I'm hesitant and uncertain.

* * *

**DAMON**

I keep my hand outstretched, but Stefan doesn't make any attempt to take it and just stands rooted at the spot scrutinising my face with an intense look on his face. I'm not sure what more I can possibly say or do to convince him how much I want this, because I do. I  _really_  do.

For too long I've deliberately clung to everything that was bad for me out of fear of change, of actually trying, but I can't do that anymore. I'm still terrified of what's to come - and Stefan leaving me hanging isn't helping either - but all I know is I have to give it a shot.

Stefan takes a deep breathe and finally speaks.

"If we're gonna have a clean slate then we need complete honesty, right?"

I sigh deeply, let my hand fall to my side and reply, "I guess", not liking the direction he's headed in.

"Where did you go when you were away and who was this 'friend' you were with?"

I put my hand to my head, irritated that he's still so hung up on the exact details of my trip. Why can't he just let it go and accept that whatever happened happened and that it's a good thing?

"I went to Chicago," I lie. "There, happy now?"

"Chicago? Why Chicago?"

"Because I like the weather. Does it matter?" I reply sarcastically.

He stares me down and I sigh then add, "I just needed to get away, it didn't matter where. There were last minute flights to Chicago and I thought, why not."

"And the friend?"

"It's nobody you know. Just a friend from my past."

"That's just the problem, Damon. You don't have any friends."

"Ouch, ouch!" I exclaim dramatically. "Now, that hurt."

He rolls his eyes and usually lying would be second nature to me, but given the fact that I have just stood before my brother and asked for a clean slate, I feel incredibly guilty.

"You know, Damon...whatever happened, you can tell me. I'm your brother. You can trust me."

His eyes are sincere and in a moment of weakness I almost go to tell him the truth about my trip to Willoughby with Klaus and my erotic encounter with Katherine, but then I have flashbacks to when I told him about Bonnie casting the spell to bring Elena back. I told him that in a moment of weakness too and the consequences were disastrous. I can't risk the same happening again.

So even though I trust Stefan, I continue to lie, knowing that everything about the cure needs to be kept firmly under wraps until I know for certain that Klaus has returned to Mystic Falls with it safely.

"Like I said, nothing much happened. Just did a lot of soul searching."

He eyes me suspiciously, still sensing I'm withholding something, but chooses to accept my lie anyway knowing that I won't divulge anymore than I already have.

"So, I'll ask again. Fresh start?"

I extend my hand to him and when he shakes it firmly, relief flows through me.

"Fresh start," he states with a small smile on his lips.

He turns to leave then swings back to face me and says, "In keeping with that fresh start, what would you say to me bringing Elena back with me? It's just that she's just waved Jeremy and Matt off at the airport and something tells me she could do with something to take her mind off it."

I feel my heart in my throat at the prospect of an evening alone with Stefan and Elena. I know I said I wanted a fresh start and to move forward, but I didn't mean I was ready to move  _that_  far forward.

"Um...y-yeah, sure. Sounds good," I reply, unable to decline and knowing somewhere deep inside that this will be good for all of us.

"Well, I'll see you in a couple of hours," he calls before heading out to jump in his car.

With him gone I pour myself a large glass of bourbon and down it in one in an attempt to take the edge off. I've been gooseberry to Stefan and Elena more times than I can count and even as my feelings for Elena grew stronger with each day, somehow the pain of seeing her with Stefan decreased, but I'm not sure how it will feel now, considering everything Elena and I have been through. The two of them have barely separated since she came back, but I haven't really had to see it and the thought of it makes me feel as though I'm about to vomit out my soul.

I know that I have to get through it and it will take all the strength I have to do so in a mature, graceful and respectful way when I still hold so much residual jealousy, bitterness and hurt over Elena and Stefan. But  _I'm_  the one that wanted a clean slate and  _I'm_  the one that wants to change, so I'm going to have to damn well fight against all of my natural instincts and emotions and just grin and bear it.

I reach for my phone to check to see if I've had any missed calls or texts, but I'm greeted by a blank screen. I sigh deeply and with each day that passes that I don't hear from Klaus I feel the anxiety swell within me. I know he said he wouldn't be back in Mystic Falls for a week and it's only been four days, but I expected to have heard from him by now.

I dial his number for the thousandth time and just as I'm about to hang up, I hear bustle at the other end of the phone.

"Hello? Klaus? You there?"

"What seems to be the problem, Damon?" he hollers impatiently down the phone.

His voice is coarse and weak and completely un-Klaus like, but I don't think much of it and just ask, "What's the problem? It's been four days since you left to collect your little hybrid bitches and I've heard nothing. Did you not get my hundred voice mails?"

"Oh, I got them, I just ignored them."

"Nice, really nice," I retort, feeling the lava of anger fill me even just from speaking to him on the phone "So what's the latest? Is the cure safe?"

"Of course, it's safe, Damon," he snipes. "You haven't told anyone have you?"

"Yeah, I actually shared a post on Facebook. What do you take me for?" I snap sarcastically.

Usually he would attempt to beat me at my own game and rebuttal with something equally snide, but he doesn't and simply says, "Good. Actually I..."

His voice cuts off and I hear him swallow loudly before descending into a coughing fit.

"Was that a  _cough_?" I ask, my brow furrowed in puzzlement.

"Drink...went...the...wrong...way," he informs me through staggered coughs, his voice thick with phlegm.

"Whatever," I reply flippantly.

He clears his throat and then says, "As I was saying, I'm going to be returning back to Mystic Falls earlier than planned."

"When?" I ask impatiently.

"The day after tomorrow."

I don't know if I'm more relieved or nervous to know he's returning sooner than planned, but whatever it is, my stomach begins to churn and my breathing grows quicker.

"So make sure you're ready and keep your mouth shut until I get back," he demands, before letting out another cough. This time he holds it back and I can hear his throat making strange noises as he fights against the urge to cough.

"That drink really must've gone down the wrong way, are you sure you-"

He cuts me off before I can finish my sentence and I hold the phone to my face and whisper, "Charming," before placing it face down onto the table.

Two days. Two days and then this will all be over. Ironic that even with how persistent I've been that I'm not concerned with the cure, everything I've been through with Stefan and Elena these passing weeks is because of the cure and still I'm clinging to it, praying that the symbolic gesture of handing it to Elena will put an end to the turmoil that's surrounded her and my brother.

But what if it's not? What if after all this the price we all paid for the cure wasn't worth it? Stefan and Elena still believe the cure is a cure for  _all_  vampirism. Only Klaus and I know that it can only strip one vampire of their immortality. If Stefan and Elena had known that from the start would they still have gone to such lengths to find it? Would I? I'm not so sure. But with how far we've come now, the end is so near that I can almost taste it.

* * *

** ELENA **

Saying goodbye to Jeremy and Matt was even harder than I anticipated, especially so soon after losing Bonnie. I collapse down onto my bed and the tears that I managed to hold back are released. I grab hold of a pillow, clutch it to my chest and although at first the tears fall slowly and silently, the intensity of the sobs soon take me over until I'm shuddering and gasping for air.

I just want Bonnie. That's all I want - to have my best friend back.

What starts out as upset over Jeremy and Matt leaving spirals until I'm crying not just about that but also the death of Bonnie, my parents, Jenna, Alaric and even Isobel. Every tragic thing that has ever happened to me resurfaces and the sobs only subside when I hear someone softly call my name.

I jerk me head up from the pillow I was buried in and look bleary eyed at the doorway to see Stefan standing there. When I realise it's him I cry aloud once more and he silently comes forward, perches himself on the bed next to me and I shift into him, clinging to his chest and letting the tears fall harder.

Unlike with anyone else Stefan knows no words are necessary and he doesn't attempt to soothe me by telling me everything will be okay, he just allows me to feel what I'm feeling unashamedly and without judgement, until I've regained enough strength to be able to wipe my tears away.

Although I know there's no need to with Stefan, I find myself apologising as I scramble to wipe the mess of snot and tears from my face with the back of my hands. He reaches for a tissue from the nightstand, gently sweeps my hair from my face and dabs at my face. Even now he looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful creature in existence and I have no idea what I've done to deserve the unconditional love and adoration he has for me.

He lightly kisses my nose, causing a small smile to come across my lips and I take a deep breath in, my throat still thick with lingering sobs.

"It was harder than I thought it would be to say goodbye," I admit my voice croaky.

He nods empathetically and replies with, "I know, I know."

"I know it's for the best and that I did the right thing in letting him go but it-it doesn't make it any easier."

"But when you hear all his stories about the friends he's making and the fun he's hearing and you see how happy he is, it will make it easier," he says.

"You're right. To be honest, I think part of me is jealous. They get to leave, to start afresh and just be normal without everything hanging over their heads. It's something we'll never get the opportunity to do."

"Hey, who says?" he replies, reaching out and stroking my cheek tenderly.

I raise my eyebrows at him. "Stefan, we're vampires. We're never gonna be normal."

He shrugs. "Just because we're vampires doesn't mean we can't do the same as Matt and Jeremy. After you graduate you can go off to college, we can move somewhere near the beach and you can write until the sun goes down. Maybe I can finally do my medical degree and become a doctor like I always wanted. We can still have everything we want."

He says the words, but I don't think he truly believes them, because I don't.

"But we'll always be this - teenagers, trapped, never moving forward, never able to have kids or grow old."

He hangs his head and takes a deep breath and I instantly feel the need to apologise for being so negative.

"I'm sorry, Stefan," I say taking his hand in mine.

"You know, I wanted all of that too. I still do."

"You do?" I ask, my voice high.

He nods. "I'm a Ripper, Elena. All I've wanted since the day I became a vampire is to not be one. There were decades when I forgot about it, when I had no humanity and I thought I was having the time of my life, but it was just empty. Everything was meaningless, all there was was the blood and the girls."

I swallow hard at the images of Stefan at the center of a swarm of naked women, his fangs bared and his face smothered in blood.

"For a long time I forgot what it was to even be human, but then Lexi reminded me and when I met you I realised how much I wanted that back. How much I just wanted the chance to live -  _really_  live."

"You wanted to take the cure," I state, sensing the direction he's headed in.

He hangs his head and nods.

"When I saw what becoming a vampire did to you, I wanted it for you more than anything and that's all I cared about and me taking it didn't even cross my mind. Then we broke up and everything happened with Damon..."

I already know Stefan has forgiven me with his whole heart for the fleeting intimacy between Damon and I, but whenever he mentions it I'm overwhelmed with guilt and feel a desperate need to apologise profusely.

"I was at rock bottom and I didn't know how I was gonna keep living my life without you in it. But being human...that was something I'd always wanted and even if I couldn't be with you, I could still have that."

"Stefan, why didn't you ever talk about any of this before?" I ask shifting closer into him, my heart contracting at never having known this about him until now.

"Because it didn't matter. All that mattered was you."

I shake my head at him forcefully. Being loved so fiercely by anyone is heart-warming, but when that love is from the very person you would lay your life down for, it's...earth shifting. Knowing Stefan has that kind of love for me still takes my breath away, but at times like these I wish he didn't love me quite so much, because I despise the fact that he puts my well-being and happiness above his own. He is more important, more special than I will ever be and I wish he could see that.

"That's not true.  _You_  matter," I say taking his face in my hands and lifting his head so that his eyes are on mine. "You matter just as much as me. No...you matter more," I correct.

He rolls his eyes and I scald him with, "Don't do that. You  _are_."

"None of it matters now anyway. The cure's gone and I don't even care. All I care about is that you're here and we're together."

He leans his head against mine and I smile before leaning in and kissing him softly.

"And human or not, I'm determined that we're gonna be normal, so tomorrow afternoon I'm taking you out on a date."

"A date?" I exclaim shifting back from him. "That'll be two dates in two weeks."

"I don't care. You deserve it and besides, what could be more normal than two teenagers that like each other having some fun?"

"Like, huh?" I question with raised eyebrows.

"Okay,  _really_  like," he teases.

I slap him playfully, causing him to chuckle.

"Oh and speaking of being normal, I spoke to Damon."

"You did?" I inquire, eager to hear more. "And? How'd it go?"

"Pretty good, actually," he answers with a nod.

"What'd he say?"

"Pretty much the same as what he said to you - that he wants to change, that he's sick of being stuck and miserable. He even apologised."

"Apologised? What for?"

"For everything."

My mouth falls open in surprise and Stefan says, "Believe me, I was shocked too. I was skeptical of it before, because I've seen him do this a thousand times before, but I've never seen him like that. He really means it."

"I told you."

"We even agreed to start over."

I feel myself bubbling with pride and joy. Only weeks ago Stefan and Damon's relationship was clinging by a thread and I was sure that my actions had destroyed them beyond repair, so to know that they've finally agreed to the fresh start they've been needing for over a century means everything to me.

"Stefan, that's great," I beam.

"Yeah, I just hope he actually sticks to it."

"Come on, have a little faith in him. He's not as bad as you make out," I say, surprised that I of all people am defendng Damon.

The truth is reconnecting with Stefan has erased any ill feeling I may have had for Damon. Some small part of me still begrudges him for the part he played in Bonnie's death, but my logic reminds me that I have no right to hold that against him since it was Bonnie's choice. And the truth is, Damon and I have hurt each other so many times both intentionally and unintentionally, that there's little point in carrying a grudge.

I love Damon and I don't want to be at odds with him - especially since we're immortal - and if Stefan has managed to find it in my heart to forgive me for the way I have treated him, then I can certainly give Damon a second chance.

"He did say some stuff that I didn't expect, things I never even realised he felt," Stefan admits.

"Like what?"

"Just about the way he feels about me and him. I guess he cares about me more than I gave him credit for."

Unlike Stefan I'm well aware of just how much Damon loves his younger brother. Stefan is too modest and fails to see that most of Damon's actions - no matter how cold or calculating they've been - have been done out of love. Loving them both has gave me an insight into their relationship that I'm not sure anyone else has ever had - not even Stefan and Damon themselves - and I know with absolute certainty that although they do everything they can to keep it hidden the Salvatore brothers have an unbreakable bond and expansive love that will always exist. And after everything I've done to come between them, all I want to do is heal their relationship and allow them the clarity and peace that Stefan and I have found, because they need it and so do I.

"He loves you, Stefan. He doesn't show it, but he does and I don't think he even realises how much."

He nods and says, "Maybe we can fix everything that's happened."

"Of course we can," I reply, stroking his thigh. "Did he tell you anything more about what happened when he went away?"

"Nope," he replies. "He's keeping schtum. Something happened though because everytime I mention it he acts all skittish, but honestly, I can't be bothered to care. For whatever reason he wants to keep it to himself and as long as it did him some good, that's all that matters."

I nod in agreement.

"Actually, I told Damon we'd go back to the house tonight," he blurts out, before bowing his head and eyeing my nervously.

My initial reaction is to exclaim, "Are you crazy?!", but then I realise how hypocritical that would be since I was the one that just said that we can fix it. If I want to be with Stefan, Damon will always be a part of my life and I don't get a choice in that - and honestly I'm not sure I'd want it any other way - which means I need to be mature enough and brave enough to really work through our issues.

It's still early days and we're no where near close to recovering from the mangled mess the three of us have been caught up in, but the only way we will over truly heal is if the three of us all make an active and conscious effort to push through it.

"Um...yeah, sounds good," I say after a prolonged silence.

"Do you really mean that?" he asks, searching my face.

"No, no, I do. Stefan, I just want us to be okay -  _all_  of us - and that's not gonna happen if we're avoiding each other."

"You're sure?"

I nod and he smiles at me with gratitude and adoration, before leaning into me and saying, "You're amazing, you know that?"

"Well...yeah," I reply before breaking out into a smile.

He kisses me repeatedly, moving from my mouth and smothering kisses all over my face, causing me to fall back onto the bed with him on top of me and somehow the dark shadow of my brother's leaving is drowned out by a river of white light.

* * *

**STEFAN**

When we get back to the Boarding House Damon is sat on the couch in the living room, his leg's jigging beneath him restlessly, a glass of bourbon in his hand and two other glasses already set out on the coffee table.

He jumps up suddenly when we step through the front door, spilling his drink down his shirt and I try and recall a time when my cool as a cucumber brother looked so nervous.

A quiet, alien laugh escapes him as he scrambles to wipe his shirt. I exchange a glance with Elena and can see her attempting to stifle her amused laughter. I know I should be nervous too, but I'm not, after all, this is my brother and the love of my life - the two people I'm most comfortable with in the whole world. Maybe Damon is more anxious because he feels the third wheel. Elena and I arrived together and I can still feel the warmth of her body standing close to mine, which I have to admit does provide me with a strong sense of confidence and puts me largely at ease.

The two of us step into the room and Elena takes a seat on the couch.

"I'll get you a drink," Damon says dashing round behind the couch to grab a tumbler of bourbon.

"Damon, I think I've got it," I tell him, patting his back lightly and urging him to sit down.

He nods and then goes back over to the couch opposite from Elena. He downs the last gulp of bourbon at the bottom of his glass, then stares down at it as though he wants to become it and all I want to do is put an end to his unbearable awkwardness.

I hand Elena a drink and she thanks me and although she seems as calm and collected as me, I can sense that in this instance it will be up to me to navigate conversation. Surprisingly Damon is the first to speak as he looks to Elena and asks, "Everything go okay with Jeremy and Matt?"

"Um...yeah, yeah, fine," she replies.

"Where are they going again? Stefan didn't give details."

"Florida. Matt got a place in the police academy there."

"Donovan a police officer?" he questions with a light scoff.

Elena and I frowns at him slightly and he clears his throat and says, "Well, good on him."

I shake my head and can't help but smile at myself. Even when things are supposed to be hard, the three of us seem to slip into a natural rhythm which mainly consists of Damon spouting sarcastic drivel and Elena and I glaring at him disapprovingly, but unable to hide our amusement.

"And Jeremy?"

"Tyler and Caroline went down to Florida to help them set up. They compelled him into the local high school, but knowing Jeremy he'll probably drop out before he graduates."

"What makes you think that?" I ask wanting to contribute to the conversation.

"He's never been one to do anything mainstream and he's always hated school. The second he has the opportunity he'll move onto something else and especially now I'm not there to be on his ass all the time. But I don't really mind, I just want him to be happy."

"Well with a boring, goody two shoes like Donovan on his back all the time, you have nothing to worry about," Damon states with a grin.

Elena laughs lightly and says, "Yeah, yeah, I guess."

Somehow after that any tension between the three of us slips away, mainly as a result of the flowing drinks and that fact that despite everything that's happened the three of us seem to be connected in a cosmic way that even I don't understand.

Given how fresh Elena and Damon's fling is in my mind, I'm surprised to find that even when Elena laughs at Damon's jokes or I catch a hint of longing and desire in his eyes, it doesn't awaken my jealousy. But then again, I was never jealous of Damon when it came to Elena, because I was always secure in us. I trusted that she wouldn't betray me and believed with everything I had that if she were to ever leave me Damon would be the last person on the planet she would look to. Even though Elena proved me wrong on both accounts, there's an unyielding sense of trust I have in her that means even though we only reconciled days ago, I'm already completely secure and content in our relationship. Maybe it's the glowing adoration that shines in her eyes each time she steals a glance at me or maybe it's the way she reaches for my hand or strokes my leg when she's in mid conversation, as though she just wants to make sure I'm there. Whatever it is, I know with certainty that in spite of her mistakes and mishaps, she loves me as much as I love her.

It's not just Elena that I trust, it's also Damon. Even before our conversation earlier today, I already knew that Elena's death had impacted upon him enough that he would never again do anything to undermine or interfere in mine and Elena's relationship, because losing her made him finally see how important her happiness is and taught him how to be selfless. But he doesn't just do it for her, it's also for me. Elena's right, Damon loves me and I so easily forget it, but part of me knows that the reason the three of us are sat here right now is because he doesn't want to lose me - not Elena. He knows that in order to make amends and start afresh with me he needs to move past his feelings for Elena and truly accept that we're together and this is him doing that.

Damon is naturally a more talkative and extroverted than either me or Elena, but tonight I can see how much more of an effort he's making to keep up conversation and to hide any sense of hurt he may be feeling. And I know he's hurting. I know he is, not because he's my brother but also because all I can do is imagine if our positions were reversed and I were the one faced with spending a night with him and Elena as a couple. The mere thought makes me want to vomit all over the floor and also makes me realise just how strong Damon is.

I've always underestimated him, thought him to be beneath me, but the truth is he's a good person in ways that I'm not and I so often miss that because I'm so focused on seeing the bad parts of him that he deliberately showcases in an act of defiance. Whilst I've always fought to be the best I can be by respecting and valuing human life and attempting to live a moralistic life, he's always worked to do the opposite. He's done abominable things all in the name of hiding his true self, to recreate a new Damon incapable of human emotion of any kind and there have been times when I've been so outraged and disgusted at his actions that I forgot it all was as a result of his deep rooted, all-consuming insecurities.

Even as a child he was never proud of who he was. He was consistently scalded for his adventurous and reckless nature until it made him loathe the part of himself that made him the best big brother in the world; father beat him so hard and so often that it knocked any love or tenderness he held within his heart, turning him hard and cold; although mother loved him it was never enough and then there was Katherine. Oh, Katherine... Although father can be held responsible for a large part of who Damon has become, Katherine is the one that truly shaped him.

He says he loves Elena and I don't doubt that - I've seen,  _felt_  it - but his love for Katherine is different. When I met Elena, Katherine became but a mere shadow in my heart, because Elena was  _the one,_ but for Damon I'm not sure Katherine ever stopped being the one. Although Elena has changed him by inspiring him to be better, loving Katherine completely rewrote him as a person.

Through loving her he rediscovered his passion for life and the reckless adventure that he reveled in as a child that our father killed; he learned that despite what he believed as a child he  _could_  love another without limits; that he could have unparalleled fun and happiness without shame or fear of being reprimanded. And through losing her he became the person he's been for the last century - a person so haunted by the soul destroying pain of losing the person he loved most that all he could do to survive was to become a monster who kept himself safe with an endless array of mindless murder, sarcasm and impulsive actions with the intent of spreading his hurt to as many people as possible.

Damon would likely rather die than admit it to himself or anyone else, but since the day he met her Katherine has been the underlying reason behind every single one of his choices, until now.

Because today he's sitting here because of Elena and that's why I can accept that he loves her and that she had sex with him - because she gave him the strength and motivation to change and he's the reason that she came through after her transition. The heartbreak of them being together will always exist somewhere in my mind, but I can see now that if everything that happened between them hadn't happened, Elena and I would've never have found our way back to one another, Damon and I would've never reached a place where we were able to start afresh and the three of us certainly wouldn't be sat together over drinks, chattering away about nothing and teasing one another before descending into fits of giggles.

I never thought it would happen - ever - but I think we've done it. I think we've finally come through the other side and for the first time in so long I truly believe that everything is going to be okay - that  _we're_  going to be okay.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stefan and Elena continue to rediscover their love for one another as they go on a second date and spend some quality time together. A lonely Damon pays a visit to Alaric and Bonnie's graves to offload what is on his mind. Later, he returns home to a giddy Stefan and Elena who invite him to stay and have a drink with them. As the three chat and laugh, their tender moment is interrupted by an unexpected guest bursting through the door with some bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content featured.

** DAMON **

I wake up and for the first time in months I feel rested. Last night went better than I could've ever anticipated and the initial uneasiness between the three of us seemed to fade after the first half an hour or so. Most of what we did and spoke about is a blur due to the enormous amounts of alcohol I consumed, but the brief flashbacks I do have involve Elena and I dancing wildly around the living room to music, teasing Stefan for being a bore and not joining in and the three of us playing drinking games, each of us aiming to be the last one standing.

By the time it reached midnight the two of them excused themselves and the second they'd disappeared upstairs my high mood was replaced with a dark pit of loneliness. The sheer force of it took me by surprise since I'd been in such high spirits all night, but seeing Stefan chase her up the stairs and hearing her squeal excitedly made me realise that no matter what happens it will always be me and them.

I got caught up in the simple fun and sense of comfort of being with my brother and the girl I love that I forgot that regardless of whether or not I manage to repair my relationship with Stefan or reach a place where I can comfortably assume the role of brother-in-law to Elena without my feelings being a factor - they will always put each other first and love each other more than they will ever love more.

I'm not sure if the reason that hurts so much is because I want Stefan to love me more or for Elena to love me more or both. Either way, it doesn't matter. Whether Stefan and Elena are together or not I would've had to face this eventually - losing the two people I care for most in the world to love. Maybe if I had someone I wouldn't be so desperate to cling to the two of them and long for their undivided love and attention, but as it stands they're the only people in existence that I consider to be even remotely important.

As though on cue Alaric enters my mind and I think about how much easier it would be to deal with all of the hurt inside me and push forward if I could only have a drink with him and hear some wise words from him. I'd never dare to tell him that he was wise when he was alive, but he was and I need it more now than I think I ever have. After all, whilst my determination to change and discover myself is still fresh and at it's peak, there will be times when it will be considerably harder and I know in those moments all I will want to do is give in and take the easy road by remaining the same lazy, pointless and unmotivated person I've been for the last one hundred years. If Ric was still here, he'd be the one to pull me out of those moments by telling me that I'm a dick and I need to get a grip. Stefan and Elena often try to give me the hard talk, but it's never quite the same coming from them.

I strain my ears to listen for Stefan and Elena and pinpoint the sound of their voices coming from the kitchen. Elena's laugh echoes in my ears causes my heart to contract and reminds me that regardless of the fact that outwardly I seem more together than I've ever been, on the inside my heart is in pieces.

I reach for my phone off the nightstand to check the time and see that it's 10:30am. I expected it to be later since it felt like I slept for so long. After Stefan and Elena had left me last night, I downed another five drinks and followed suit, going to my bedroom and closing the door firmly behind me, expecting to once again be kept awake all night with the sound of their love making, but by the time I'd stripped off and climbed into bed the house was deathly silent apart from the sound of their light snoring , alerting me to the fact that they were passed out and that I indeed was the last man standing - victorious!

When I unlock my phone Katherine's name greets me and I blink rapidly, momentarily not believing my eyes. My call history is filled with outgoing calls to her number starting from 12:30am and continuing to almost 2am. The stamp beside each call displays the time spent on the call and the fact that they're all under 10 seconds tells me that she must not have answered any of them. Thank God! What was I thinking calling her? Clearly, I wasn't thinking. I was drunk and stupid. Damn, I'm supposed to be being the new and improved Damon. Maybe it's not going as well as I thought.

For some reason I keep my phone clasped in my hand, stare down at the 30 calls I made to Katherine and I'm overwhelmed with annoyance. Why the hell didn't she answer? If I called her 30 times she must've been ignoring me. The second the thought enters my mind I push it out, telling myself that I'm being stupid. Do I think that we're friends now just because we spent one fleeting night of passion together? Of course not. We're not friends and I'd never want to be friends with  _her_. I mean, it's  _Katherine_.

Without warning I'm transported back to last night, to a single moment in time. Stefan was talking - I'm not sure what it was about, it didn't really matter - and I had my eyes fixated on Elena. She was just watching Stefan, her eyes full of wonderment, the hint of a smile on her face and it didn't even matter that it was him she was looking at like that instead of me, because she was  _so_  beautiful. Then her eyes fell to Stefan's mouth and she traced her tongue over her lips, completely unaware of my eyes on her and in an instant I was no longer looking at Elena, but Katherine.

The way she stared up at me through her dark eyes - that although identical to Elena's seem a few shades darker - which were so full of desire, longing and passionate lust. The way she unflinchingly held my gaze before seductively licking her rosy lips as she moved lower and lower until I could feel the tingle of her breath against my groin and the hotness of her tongue as she gently traced it up and down my length...

The memory is brought to an abrupt end by the sound of Stefan and Elena's laughter and I shake my head, lightly frowning wondering why the hell I even thought of that. Since Katherine there's been an endless array of women since her - including Elena - so in the grand scheme of things she's hardly special.

But if that's the case why does the memory of how her tongue tastes and the feel of her silky, moist skin against mine keep popping into my head at the most inappropriate and random times and consuming me from the inside out until I can feel myself going rigid with arousal.

I toss my phone back onto the nightstand and then lightly slap myself in the face whispering, "Come on, Damon. Come on."

Stefan and Elena's chatter is still continuing and I groan, not particularly feeling in the mood to face them. Despite how fun last night was, I've been telling myself that I'm holding up a lot better than I actually am and the truth is seeing them together is hard. Usually it would be hard because I'm jealous - and of course some part of me is, because I'm still me - but mostly it's the heartbreak of feeling that I've lost them to one another and the reminder that as always I am infinitely alone.

However, after a deep breath and another internal pep talk from my conscience - which unsurprisingly has assumed the voice of Ric - I clamber out of bed, pull some sweats and a shirt on and head downstairs. After all, if I'm ever going to truly move forward I need to get used to the way things are now and that means that forcing myself to spend time with Stefan and Elena - even when I don't want to - could be a good thing.

When I enter the kitchen Elena is sat at the table eating breakfast and Stefan is standing at the stove cooking. Both are still dressed in their pajamas and seem extremely upbeat. Clearly last night provided both of them with peace of mind too and it shows in their posture and aura's which seem to be radiating postivity.

"Hey."

Elena greets me with a smile and Stefan swings around, gives me a small smile and informs me that I can help myself to the fresh pot of coffee and blood bags on the counter. I pour myself one, grab a blood bag and go to sit over at the table across from Elena.

"Want some eggs?" Stefan asks.

"Um, sure," I reply, before gulping down my coffee in one, the warmth and caffeine easing the slight thumping of my head.

"Feeling a little worse for wear?" Elena asks with a smile.

"Something like that."

Stefan wanders over and places a plate of eggs in front of me, assumes his seat next to Elena and I'm aware of how surreal this moment is. The three of sat at the table together, eating breakfast and chatting. All I can think about is how broken we were less than a month ago - Stefan heartbroken by mine and Elena's betrayal, Elena a baby vampire, lost, confused and tormented by the haunting's of her transition and me volatile, full of resentment and uncertainty.

I thought Elena dying was the worst thing that could have ever happened whilst Elena thought Bonnie dying to save her was the worst thing to ever happen and yet somehow both of those occurrences are the reason we're sitting here now having started on the path to redemption and clarity.

I force myself to watch the two of them together; the way they talk with such ease and get lost in one another's eyes. I used to be so used to seeing them together that it became the norm and they're still as natural together as they always were, but I can't deny that sleeping with Elena changed my feelings for her to the point that seeing them together now is more difficult than it used to be.

It's not the same excruciating agony I felt when she died - it's more of a dull ache that although I'm aware of, I'm able to ignore.

"You up to much today?" Stefan asks turning to me.

I'm not sure why he'd ask that question since he knows I've barely left the house since I returned from Willoughby. It's out of character for me since I'd usually find any excuse to get out of the house, but the sanctuary of home has been something I've needed lately more than I ever have.

"No plans," I reply with a mouthful of eggs.

"You should go out, have some fun, make some new friends," Stefan says encouragingly.

I raise my eyebrows at him. "You and I both know Damon Salvatore doesn't do friends."

Well, I  _did,_ but Alaric's gone and I'm back to being the lone wolf.

"Mmhm," he replies before swallowing a mouthful of food and continuing with, "But that's the old Damon Salvatore. What about the new Damon?"

When I meet his eyes I can see that he's challenging me, testing to see if I still stand by what I told him yesterday about wanting to try harder. I do still stand by it, but for some reason he seems to have forgotten that no matter how much I want to be a different person, I'm still the same Damon I've always been and that Damon finds it very difficult to break old habits.

"That sounds like a good idea," Elena chirps, jumping in to support Stefan's suggestion.

"You know what? Maybe I will," I state with a smile, giving them both the answer they seek.

They both nod in approval and continue eating in silence for a few minutes.

"How about you? Any plans?" I ask out of politeness rather than genuine interest.

"Actually, I'm, um, I'm taking Elena out on a date. You know...to take her mind off of everything."

I see Elena hang her head and a dark shadow come across her face as she's reminded of the triple hit of losing two of her best friends and her brother all in the space of a week.

"How chivalrous of you. What will you be doing on this date?"

The sarcasm in my voice could be misconstrued as bitterness or jealousy, but Stefan and Elena know me well enough to know that's just how I communicate and that's one thing that will never change.

"Bowling."

I almost choke on my eggs at that. "Bowling?" I question with raise eyebrows.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?" Elena asks.

"Nothing, nothing," I say waving my fork in the air. "I hope you have fun on your boringly human date."

Elena rolls her eyes, but I can see a hint of a smile on her face as she explains, "Boringly human is kinda the idea. Even if I can't be human, I can still do human things."

At the mention of her being human I swallow hard and begin choking on my food as it tickles the back of my throat. The two of them stare at me with raised eyebrows as I clutch my throat and attempt to push my way through the coughing fit. Stefan slides across his mug of coffee, urging me to drink and after a few large gulps the coughing subsides.

"You okay?" Elena asks.

"Yeah, I'm-I'm fine," I lie.

Upon finishing their food they both get up from their seats and proceed to wash up their plates, then disappear upstairs to shower and change, whilst I linger at the table staring down at my plate, the anxiety of Klaus' return tomorrow resurfacing. I'd been so preoccupied with worry about Stefan and Elena that I'd momentarily forgot about his phone call yesterday. I'm not too sure why I'm anxious, because even though Klaus is hardly a friend, I trust that the cure is in the safest place it could possibly be and know with certainty that he will deliver it to Elena tomorrow. Elena even admitted herself just minutes ago that she wants to participate in human things and when she gets the cure, it won't be an act. She won't have to perform a ritual of human activities or adapt a human routine all in aid of  _feeling_  human, because she will  _be_  human again. She'll be free from the sire bond and able to indulge in the plainly ordinary life she seems to so desperately crave.

Putting aside the fact that she'll be the catalyst for Klaus' hybrids, everything about Klaus' return with the cure is a  _good_  thing, so then why can't I stop the churning in my stomach or ignore the nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong? Probably because in our lives, something always goes wrong.

* * *

**STEFAN**

Elena and I passed out the second our heads hit the pillows last night so we haven't had much chance to talk about how last night went and although our bright moods are a clear indicator that it went well, I still want to ask.

"So how'd you think last night went?" I ask her.

"Good, good," she replies with a nod. "Better than I was expecting."

"Yeah, it was a lot less painful than I thought it would be at least," I reply and she laughs lightly. "I guess he really meant it when he said he wanted a clean slate."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I mean, of course it is. There's just still a long way to go yet. For all of us."

"Well we have an eternity to make it right, so I'm sure we'll be okay," she beams at me and I step into her grazing her lips with mine.

"Coming in the shower?" I inquire as I begin lifting my shirt over my head.

"Yeah, sure. I'm just gonna call Jeremy first to check in."

"Okay, see you in there," I say grabbing a towel from the wardrobe, wrapping it around my waist and taking off towards the bathroom.

I practically skip down the hall, a wide grin across my face and I realise that I'm happier than I've probably ever been. Elena has always been the source of my happiness, but in the past there was always something hanging over us and for the first time in our lives, we're free. Katherine has the cure and I guess that could pose a problem, but honestly I don't care right now. Elena seems to have accepted being a vampire and although I would love nothing more than for her to get a second chance at the human life she was robbed of, if she's okay with it and she's happy then so am I.

There are moments when I have to remind myself that right now she isn't happy - at least not in the same way as I am. I know she loves me and that she's as euphoric about us being back together as I am, but Bonnie's death and Jeremy and Matt's moving away is never far from her thoughts. I very often catch that rich, darkness of sorrow in her eyes and I pretend that I haven't seen it, but she knows as well as I that I can see it and more importantly that I'm here for her.

I don't begrudge her grief and sadness, because I respect her too much to do so. Elena is the one person who I accept completely for everything that she is, for her whole self and that means that she is free to feel whatever it is she is feeling - no matter how dark - without judgement or retribution from me.

I stand under the hot flow of the shower and only open my eyes when I hear the bathroom door opening. Elena stands with a pastel blue towel wrapped about her and her face is still glistening from the wipe she used to remove any clinging traces of make-up.

"Everything okay with Jeremy?" I ask her.

She goes to the sink and begins brushing her teeth and communicates with me in between brushes, with a mouthful of toothpaste.

"Yeah, he's fine. He already sounds different...lighter, happier."

When she turns off the faucet and swings round to face me, I can see a hint of sadness in her eyes, not because he's happy, but because she couldn't be the one to bring him that happiness and help him through Bonnie's death. She's never spoke of it, but I know her well enough to know that in that aspect she feels that she's failed in her role as big sister.

I also know that a large part of the reason why Jeremy moving away has upset her is because she's afraid he'll find happiness and move forward without her, which is why I reassure her with, "He's never gonna forget you, you know."

She smiles at me and I can see a look in her eyes that says, "How do you always know the right thing to say?".

"I know," she replies.

"Now, get in here," I demand and she giggles lightly, before dropping her towel and joining me.

Since we've been back together, I've woke up every single day, welcoming what's to come, purely because of moments like this. Being able to share something as simple as bathing with her, eating meals across from her, feeling her flesh against mine in bed at night - all of the routine things that I'd quickly got used to doing alone are now the highlights of my day simply because I'm with her.

I step back so she can stand under the flow and as she leans her head back and sweeps her hair with her fingers, I stare at her in awe. How is it possible for someone to be  _this_  beautiful? Even though she's completely naked and her body is on display, it's her face that I can't tear my eyes away from. Her skin is blotchy from the heat of the water and she had remnants of mascara around her eyes but in this moment she's completely  _real_  and she's completely mine because I'm the only person in the world that gets to see her like this - in her natural state, completely at ease and not even thinking about what she's doing.

As she proceeds to shampoo her hair it's almost as though she's temporarily forgot that I'm there - because she too has grown accustomed to indulging in these routine activities by herself - but when she's rinsed all of the shampoo off, she opens her eyes to look at me and a smile comes across her face as she remembers that I'm watching her.

She reaches for my neck, pulling me into her so that our wet and naked bodies collide until our lips are welded together. The kiss is soft and tender, both of us simply cupping each other's faces and enjoying one another, the water soothing us and adding to the sensual atmospheric energy between us. Aside from the one occasion where the two of us got caught up in a whirlwind of sexual desire following a morning make-out session at Elena's - the shower has always been a place of relaxiation and tranquility where we soak up the blissful simplicity of being together before having to face what the day may bring.

Today is no exception and after a few minutes our kiss ends. Elena massages my scalp, we lather each other's bodies with soap and any tension I may have had in my body is completely undone with the firm, gentleness of her touch.

As though from no where the image of us in our old age fills my consciousness, - all grey haired and with wrinkled, scrambling to get into the shower and struggling against the deterioration of our joints and bones in order to keep alive the tenderness and sweet intimacy of our love.

I know I should feel blessed that we get to spend eternity together and that we will always have the luxury of being able to indulge in one another's youthfully, glorious bodies, but at times like this when everything feels so ordinary I get swept up in the excitement of imagining our future - of the endless possibilities and the growth we will go through individually and as a couple, but then I remember that when you're a vampire those possibilities are significantly limited as is the growth you go through.

Where Elena and I are now is great and I couldn't be more happy with it, but it's not where I want to be in 10 or 20 years. I want to be able to build something real with her - to have a home in a town that we won't have to leave after a few years, to have our own flesh and blood children that are half her and half me and to be able to watch them grow, to cry with them and laugh with them. The day I met Elena I found both my home and my family in her, but I love her so much that I can't help but want it  _all_.

She deserves to be able to have that and I think I do too, and although the cure has been far from my mind recently, I'm sensing that as the days and weeks pass I will yearn for it and reconsider my choice to leave it in Katherine's hands.

* * *

** DAMON **

After scoffing down the rest of my eggs and glugging down a blood bag I changed and left the house. Elena and Stefan were still locked in the bathroom when I left and although for days all I've wanted is the company of someone else, I hope that when I get back they're out.

I keep to what I told Stefan and Elena about getting out of the house, but to see old friends, not to make new ones.

"Hey, buddy," I say lightly tracing my hand across the headstone etched with the name 'Alaric Saltzman'.

There is a couple of people scattered around the cemetery placing flowers in memory of their loved ones, but instead I have a bottle of bourbon under my arm.

"Flowers, pffft," I mutter under my breath. "Luckily you've got a friend like me to bring you top quality goods."

I unscrew the lid, hold it up in a cheers and then take a swig. The idea of talking to a headstone is cringey and embarrassingly human but after numerous nights of drunken visits, I've grown accustomed to it. Although it's a one way conversation coming here always seems to put my mind at ease and I leave with a weight lifted off my chest.

I guess I never realised just how much I shared with Ric or how important his friendship was until he was gone. Scorned by an endless array of lovers a, misfits amongst our own family and friends and bonded through our love of alcohol and sarcasm the two of us unknowingly sought each other out to appease our loneliness and that's why I'm here now.

Before I even realise it I'm spewing my heart and soul out, every single thought and emotion I've had this last week fighting its way out of me. I tell him about Elena dying, how I aided Bonnie in casting the spell to kill herself in order to bring Elena back, that Elena and Stefan are back together, that I went on a hunt for the cure and Katherine with Silas which wound up with me in Katherine's bed and I admit that I'm nervous about what's to come tomorrow when Klaus arrives in town.

"There's just so much going on, I don't even know where my head's at right now. Seeing the girl you love in the arms of your brother hasn't got any easier. Not yet at least. But you'll be pleased to know that I'm turning over a new leaf for the sake of all mankind."

I raise the bottle of bourbon up to his headstone again and I imagine him rolling his eyes at me.

"Seriously though, I'm trying. I'm  _really_  trying. Stefan's just waiting for me to go back on my word and slip back into my old ways, and trust me, I want to, but I heard you loud and clear. That night in Willoughby...the dream...you and Bonnie...it made me realise that things had to change, that  _I_  had to change. Bet you're pissed that the first time I actually choose to listen to you is when you're already dead."

I shake my head and laugh lightly to myself.

"I just...I hope I can keep this goody two shoes act up and maybe one day it won't be an act anymore. We can hope, right?" I sigh deeply and add, "I don't wanna let them down, Ric. I have to do this, I have to make it work."

I stoop down to the grave and reach my hand out to touch it. "I don't even know what I'm doing here. If you were here right now all you'd be doing is drinking all my booze and telling me 'I told you so'", I shake my head and can't help the smile that comes across my face at the mere thought of what he would say if he were here right now.

"I guess I lied. I'm missing you more than just a little bit," I admit, my voice catching in my throat slightly. I shake myself down, imagining the chunks he would take over me if he heard me say that and add, "Not that I'd ever admit that to your face."

I take the bottle of bourbon in my hand, pour some onto the grave, get to my feet and say, "See ya, buddy."

As always I come away feeling slightly unburdened, but there's still somewhere else I need to go and so I pluck a single flower from a rose bush and continue through the woods until I come to the stump still holding the gifts everyone offered up for Bonnie's memorial.

I feel a surprising sense of sadness and guilt that unlike Ric, Bonnie doesn't have a grave and only this pitiful remainder of a half dead tree. The ease at which I was able to chat away with Ric's headstone doesn't come as easily with Bonnie and for countless minutes I just stand a few feet from the stump, the rose clutched in my hand. I step forward and place the rose atop the wreath, whistle and remaining feathers that haven't fluttered away on the wind.

"I'm sorry, Bonnie."

There's more I want to say, but I don't know how so I turn and leave, Bonnie's face filling my mind and making me feel sick with a guilt I still cannot believe I carry. I've always been indifferent to Bonnie but working so closely with her in her final days opened my eyes to the astoundingly selfless, brave and dedicated woman that she was. I'd always heard Elena, Caroline and the others flapping about how amazing she was, but in my eyes she was merely a judgmental, cold bitch that's only purpose was to say a witchy incantation every once in a while to save the day.

When you lose someone you love you realise just how much you did love them, but when you lose someone you didn't love you appreciate them for who they were when they were alive.

And that's why it's only now I realise just how special she truly was and that without her it's not just Elena that wouldn't be here, it would be me, Stefan - everyone. Bonnie Bennett was a hero, but just like all heroes her selflessness and goodness cut her life short.

I'll never be able to tell her to her face how sorry I am that she's gone, but I can thank her for saving the woman I love by fighting for Elena's happiness, starting with letting her go and ending with her taking the cure.

* * *

**ELENA**

"No way, no!" I exclaim with a wide gesture of my arms. "How is that even possible? No one gets 10 strikes in a row."

Stefan struts from the alley towards me, his arms extended, a smug and cocky smile on his face. I hit him playfully in the arm and he says, "Now, now, don't pout. You're up. Just aim for the middle and this time try to knock down some pins, eh?"

I scowl at him but he's grinning widely with amusement. I take a large run up, release the ball directly in the center and as it propels forward it looks as though it might actually hit, but at the last second it veers off to the left and slips down the crack at the side, just as it has with my 10 other attempts.

"Oooooh!" Stefan calls out through laughter. "Bad luck."

I sprint back to the bench, throwing myself on him and grabbing the skittles that are on the side and propelling them in his face. He falls backwards, sheltering his face with his hands then proceeds to pick me up by the waist, throw me down onto the bench and tickle me within an inch of my life. I desperately beg and plead for him to stop in between uncontrollable fits of laughter and when he finally relents there are eyes on us from all angles, giving us disapproving glares.

"Come on, let's get out of here," I say jumping to my feet and reaching for his hand.

"But we paid for two games."

"Isn't it enough to beat me once?"

"Nope," he replies with a mischievous grin.

I look up at him through my eyebrows, then he extends his hand out to mine and we leave.

Although the date didn't last as long as I was expecting, it's done exactly what Stefan and I intended it to do - distracted me from Bonnie's loss and Jeremy's leaving and actually allowed us to feel like a normal teenage couple.

For January the weather is surprisingly warm, with the sunshine blaring and blue skies, so we decided to leave the car at the house and walk. When we get outside the wind has picked up causing my hair to keep blowing into Stefan's face and each time it does I can't help but let out a giggle. Eventually I pull my hair back up into a ponytail with the hair tie on my wrist.

There's something about strolling down the street hand in hand with the person you love, that is so gratifying. I can feel my heart beaming with joy and pride just to be standing next to him and whenever I catch men or women of all ages stealing glances at him in admiration all I can think is 'Yeah and he's mine, all mine.'

It's a 40 minute walk back to the Boarding House and although we're joking and talking the entire way back I find myself relieved to be back in the confines of the house if only to steal some precious alone time with Stefan.

"Damon? Damon, you home?" Stefan hollers the second we've stepped through the door. "Damon!"

When there's no response he swings round to face me, a huge toothy grin coming across his face to match mine as he runs at me and lifts me up from the ground, slamming me into the front door. When Stefan and I were together we always had a burning attraction that meant we had an active sex life, but nothing compared to this.

Last night was one of the first night's that we slept fully clothed, without having first indulged in one another and it seems to have only amplified our hunger for one another now as we clumsily pinch, scratch and bite one another in an attempt to shed each other of our clothing.

"You were so hot today," I murmur against his lips.

"What? You like it when I whoop your ass?" he teases.

I descend into laughter groaning against his mouth as we take off our own underwear, not wanting to break our kiss for even a second. The second my panties hit the floor he whips me around so that my palms are pressed against the wall and my back is to him. I feel his fingers trace a line from my neck all the way down to the bottom of my spine causing me to shiver from head to toe. He leans in close to me so that I can feel his hardness pressed against my buttocks and smooches my neck for a few moments before dropping down and pushing my legs apart with his hands.

My body is practically trembling with anticipation as he reaches up and begins to stroke me with his fingers whilst simultaneously kissing the backs of my thighs. Even though he can't see what his doing his expert hands know exactly where and how to touch me to drive me to arousal and I can already feel how much easier his hand glides around me from my wetness.

All of a sudden his hand falls from me and his head pops through the center of my legs causing me to gasp lightly with excitement. He sits up straight and then grabs my hips pulling me into him and kissing my pubic bone firmly, before slowly trailing his tongue down me. The feel of his breath against me causes me to tingle and his hot tongue tracing an endless array of shapes at varying speeds causes me to lower myself down upon his mouth, desperately yearning for more.

As the pleasure grows to such an intensity that I begin pushing down harder and involuntarily grind against him he lifts me up and throws me down onto the ground on my back. My head bashes off the wooden floor so hard that if I were still human, I'm pretty sure I'd have concussion, but I barely notice because I want him and that's all that matters.

He leans over me so that his hard toned chest is pressed against my breasts as he grabs for his length and the second he's inside me I throw my head back and wait for the mind blowing euphoric pleasure that he never fails to deliver, bringing our date to the most perfect end.

* * *

After our second shower of the day, Stefan and I changed into our sweats and still giddy and slightly numb we headed to the kitchen. We'd worked up quite an appetite for blood and managed to polish off three blood bags each, but I was still hungry for actual food and suggested take out. Stefan being Stefan refused and insisted on cooking a meal and he's been slaving over the stove for the last half an hour whilst I sit at the table humming along to the radio.

I barely take my eyes off Stefan with his upper body completely exposed and his grey sweats hanging off his waist and showing off his crisp white briefs underneath. I almost wanna pounce on him, but refrain from doing so clinging to the final shred of self control I have.

His hips gently sway from side to side in beat with the music and he doesn't understand just how gorgeous he is. No matter what time of the day or night it is he always looks at me as though I'm the most beautiful person in the world, but him...he actually  _is_  the most beautiful person in the world.

Just as the two of us sit down to tuck in to our food we hear the sound of the front door and a few seconds later Damon appears in the doorway.

"Oh, um, sorry, I didn't think you'd be back yet," he stammers awkwardly holding up his hands. "I'll just-I'll just leave you two to it."

Without even thinking I call out, "Damon, wait," and he pops his head back into the room.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't you-why don't you join us?"

The second I've asked the question I glance at Stefan, worried that my invitation may have pissed him off, but his expression is unreadable.

"What? No, I really think-I mean I don't wanna intrude on your date night."

I'm still not used to this polite and considerate Damon, but the more he shows that side of himself the more it encourages me to  _want_  to try with him.

"No, Elena's right, you should join us," Stefan says, taking me slightly by surprise but also making me beam with pride. "There's enough food, I'll just grab you a plate."

"No really, I should-"

"Do you have to argue with me on everything? For once just sit your ass down and shut up," Stefan demands bossily causing a light laugh to escape me.

Damon nods appreciatively and takes a seat at the table then hollers over to Stefan, "If there's another beer going, I'll take one," upon seeing the bottle of beer beside me.

Stefan tosses him one, gives him his food and the three of us tuck in. There's almost total silence as we eat, all of us appreciating the rich and delicious flavours of Stefan's cooking.

Although last night was a turning point for the three of us I can still sense a silent tension that mostly comes from Damon, but I ignore it as best I can and make small talk, asking Damon about his day. When he tells us that he's been to visit Alaric's grave, I feel a deep sense of guilt and sadness, not only because it reminds me that Alaric is gone, as are so many of the people I love, but because it seems wrong that whilst Stefan and I have been in each other's company all day, having fun and reveling in being together, Damon's been so alone that he felt the need to pay a visit to his only friend who just so happens to be dead.

I'm not sure why I feel guilty about that since it's technically not my fault. What should I do? Pretend I don't love Stefan and force myself to be with Damon all in the name of appeasing his loneliness? Damon is a responsible adult and the fact that he's alone is a result of his own actions. Yet I feel a sense of responsibility myself, probably because I know I'm one of the only people in the world that is actually capable of helping Damon and I want to, I really do. If he's going to change he needs to start by opening himself up to new people and stop viewing everyone he comes into contact with as food, a pawn or an enemy.

"I fancy something sweet," I state sitting back in my seat.

"Well, I can help with that," Damon retorts with a wink.

I laugh, but he stumbles over his words and goes to apologise as though he's done something wrong. I know he wants to change, but there are some things that I don't  _want_  him to change. And his sense of humor - no matter how distasteful it may be - is one of the better parts of him.

Even Stefan doesn't seem to react to Damon's comment and instead suggests that we should bake something.

I groan. "Really, Stefan? Have you ever heard of a grocery store? It's where you buy food that's already made."

He glares at me and says, "Nothing beats homemade food."

I roll my eyes at him, but can't stop the smile that is on my face.

"My brother, the food snob," Damon states gesturing at Stefan.

"Oh shut up, Damon. Just because I actually know the difference between cinnamon and cumin."

"Hey, that happened like 140 years ago. When are you gonna let it go?"

"Never because you almost killed me with your cumin smothered pancakes!"

I can't help the hysterical laughter that escapes me and the joy that fills me up to see Stefan and Damon not just sitting around a table together, but reminiscing and teasing one another in the same way that all siblings do.

* * *

** DAMON **

Similarly to last night any initial awkwardness passes within the first 10 minutes and neither Stefan or Elena seem too annoyed that I interrupted their date - or maybe they're just  _really_  good at pretending. Stefan and I share the few fond memories we have from our childhood, which we rarely if ever discuss, but focusing on our happier times together is something I take as being part of us starting afresh so I willingly engage in it. Elena seems contented in listening to our brotherly tales and eagerly asks more questions about what happened to the orphan fox cubs Stefan and I found one afternoon whilst exploring the woodland around our house.

"How many were there? Did you save them? Did you take them home with you? Did they survive?" Elena chirps, not even giving Stefan or I chance to respond.

Stefan exchanges a glance with me and I ask, "Should I tell her or?"

"What? What happened?" she asks impatiently looking back and fourth at us.

"We did take them home that day and we kept them under a basket under our bed, fed them and nursed them until father dearest found them in our room. He drowned every single one of them in front of us."

"What?" Elena exclaims in horror turning her head to Stefan to see his reaction.

"Yup, that was Giuseppe for you," I add.

Elena keeps her eyes fixated on Stefan and I see her shift her hand under the table to comfortingly stroke Stefan's leg. I wonder why, but when I look to Stefan his green eyes are wide and filled with terror, as though he's re-living it all over again. For a moment in time he appears to me to be the very same boy of 6 that he was then, who wasn't as terrified as he was completely bewildered at how anyone could inflict such harsh cruelty upon another living thing.

Being so accustomed to Giuseppe's violence, I knew there was no limit on how far he would go, unlike Stefan who continually chose to see the best in him no matter how many times he brought his hand down upon him. But even Stefan for that one moment saw the true evil in Giuseppe's heart, because in his innocence and purity he viewed the lives of baby animals to be even more precious than his own and although he could accept Giuseppe's cruelty to him and to me, he couldn't to those fox cubs.

Sensing Stefan's dismay Elena swiftly changes the subject and begins divulging her own childhood memories which are a lot more joyous than any Stefan and I have. Speaking of Jeremy seems to lift her spirits and Stefan pushes through his blue mood to engage with her.

"We spent every Christmas at the lake house; me, mom, dad, Jer and Jenna," she tells us, a reflective smile upon her face. "Actually, this is probably the first Christmas since I was born that I haven't been there over the holidays," she adds sadly.

"Firstly and only," Stefan says shifting his body into hers and nudging her lightly, prompting her to smile.

"You mean that?"

"Of course I do. We missed out on Christmas this year, but we'll make up for it this Christmas and every one that comes after that."

She turns her body so that she's completely facing him and with a beaming smile on her face leans in to kiss him. I know that the second their lips touch I disappear from them and my gaze drops to my clasped hands that sit in my lap under the table. The ache in my heart grows more fierce making me feel like I can't breathe and I stand from my seat on wobbly legs, determined that I need to get out of here. The sound of the chair scraping across the floor causing their heads to turn to me and when they look up at me I see pity in Stefan's eyes and guilt in Elena's. I know I should just leave, but for some reason I'm determined to stay in order to prove to myself and them that I can do this.

"I'm, um, I'm just gonna go get some bourbon. Need something stronger than this," I tell them holding up the empty bottle of beer from the table.

I return to the table with a bottle of bourbon and the moment alone to recompose myself, combined with the bourbon allows me to relax and I return to making jokes and small talk.

"No way! I don't believe you," Elena exclaims.

"I'm telling you he can do it. Stefan can do a triple back flip."

Elena speaking of her cheerleading gave me the perfect opportunity to reveal Stefan's history with gymnastics that he has always worked so hard to keep quiet.

"Can you really do it, Stefan?" Elena asks him.

He rolls his eyes and says to me, "Why do you have to tell people these things?"

"You know me, brother. Any excuse to poke fun at you," I reply raising my eyebrows at him playfully.

"Oh, come on, Stefan. You have to show me now," Elena says slapping his arm excitedly.

"Erm, no I really, really don't," he replies with a wave of his finger.

"Come on, Stef, don't be boring your whole life."

"You know what? If it'll shut you the hell up, I'll do it."

He throws his seat back and gets to his fet annoucing that he'll have to do it in the hall where there's more space. Elena and I follow behind him and I attempt to stifle my amused laughter.

"I haven't done this in years, so if it goes wrong-"

"Oh, just get on with it, would you?" I interject.

He scowls at me and I deliberately give him a wide toothy grin.

He spends a couple of seconds preparing himself and in a flash he is propelling through the air expertly and lands firmly on his feet at the other side of the hall. It's so fast that I have to blink a few times to even realise it happened, but Elena rushes to him cooing about how amazing it was and how she had no idea he could do that.

The only reason I suggested he do it is because I expected him to fall flat on his ass and it would've given me even more of a reason to rip chunks out of him, but I guess that backfired.

"Impressive," I state, raising my eyebrows at him.

Suddenly the moment is interrupted by the front door bursting open. Our heads turn in unison and everything instantly slips into slow motion as a disheveled, panting figure stumbles over the threshold. As he lifts his head my heart momentarily stops and then plummets to the ground.

"K-K-K-Klaus?" Elena stammers.

"D-D-Damon," he calls, his voice strained. He reaches his hand out to me, as he gasps, "The-the cure...it's gone. Someone-someone stole it."

He falls forward and I instinctively speed towards him, catching him in my arms just as he's about to hit the floor.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Klaus' arrival and the unexpected arrival of a second guest, everything comes to a head as the cure is delivered to Stefan, Elena and Damon on a plate, though not in the way they expected.

** DAMON **

I stare down at Klaus' pale face, his lips blend into his face and his brow is damp with sweat and I wonder what could've possibly happened to him.

"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow," I whisper down to him. "What the hell happened?"

His eyes roll back in his head and I attempt to rouse him to get the answers I desperately need. "Klaus? Klaus? Klaus, talk to me."

"What's he doing here?"

"What does he mean the cure's gone?"

"What's he talking about, Damon?"

"What aren't you telling us?"

"Is there something we should know?"

"Damon?"

"Damon?"

"Damon!"

"Damon!"

Elena and Stefan's relentless questions echo in my ears until all I can do is scream, "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!"

They look on at me in shock and I say, "I'll-I'll explain everything, but first let's get him on the couch."

I lift Klaus from the ground, throw him down onto the couch and a light groan escapes him.

"He needs blood, I'll go get some," I say heading for the door.

"Uh, no you don't," Stefan says his voice firm. "You're not going anywhere until you explain all of this to us."

With a frustrated sigh I blurt out the truth at super speed.

"When Klaus got out he turned up here, said he wanted to get the cure. We found Katherine in Pennsylvania and Klaus offered her freedom for the cure."

"The road trip. That's where you were. You were with him," Stefan states, the pieces syncing up.

I nod. "But Klaus took off with the cure, said he needed to find some wolves for his hybrids. He called me yesterday and said he'd be back tomorrow, but-"

"And you didn't think to tell us any of this?" Stefan yells.

"I couldn't. Not until I knew for sure it was happening. And it's a good job I didn't, because look at what's happened."

"All that stuff you said about starting over and you thought this was the way to do it? With lies?" Stefan says, the vein in the side of his head popping out as his temper flares.

"Believe me, it's killed me keeping this secret, but I did what I had to do. I did it for Elena."

"Oh here we go again. 'I did it for Elena'", he mocks. "When are you going to stop, huh?"

"This is  _nothing_  like that," I bite back. "I'm doing this because Elena wants it and Katherine having it was dangerous. Nothing more, nothing less."

"We all agreed we were going to stay away from this for our safety and look, you've put us all in danger again all for that goddamn cure! Elena died last time, or did you forget that?"

"I remember, Stefan!" I yell, my anger finally getting the best of me. "Did you forget that you're the one always saying choice is the most important thing? That all you want is for Elena to have the choice to be human again? Because that's all I was doing; giving her a choice."

"You still lied, Damon."

"Stop, stop, stop. Just stop this!" Elena shouts over the top of us. "None of this matters right now. Look at Klaus."

In our rage we'd completely forgotten about Klaus who seems to be deteriorating by the minute.

"Like I said, he needs blood," I say speeding to the fridge to get some, not giving Stefan chance to stop me this time.

* * *

**STEFAN**

I pace up and down the room frantically my heart thumping in my chest as I bite on my nails. Elena is bent over Klaus dabbing at his brow with a wet flannel and she calls to me to calm down.

"Calm down? How can I calm down, Elena?" I exclaim through gritted teeth.

Damon returns with an armful of blood bags, throws one to Elena and she proceeds to rip the top off and hand it to Klaus. The smell of blood seems to bring him to and he slowly reaches for it and begins to drink.

The three of us wait in silence, knowing there's nothing more to say and that we need to hear from Klaus. When he's finished the blood bag he seems to regain some colour in his face and is alert enough that his eyes open.

"Klaus, what happened?" Elena asks her voice firm. "Has someone hurt you?"

He shakes his head. "It started the second day of our trip," he explains looking over to Damon. "I started to feel odd...not myself, but I ignored it and as the days have gone by the symptoms have just got worse. I had to abandon the wolf pack in Tennessee because I was too unwell and the second I was alone and left vulnerable, I was attacked. Whoever it was, took the cure."

I shake my head unable to believe that all of this happened without me even knowing and I can't let go of the burning white fury I have towards Damon. Why the hell didn't he tell me!?

"Symptoms? What symptoms?" Elena inquires.

"The cough," Damon states causing Elena to look up at him with confusion. "When we spoke on the phone yesterday he couldn't stop coughing. Why the hell didn't you mention anything?"

"Because I don't need you or anyone else. I can handle it on my own," Klaus attempts to shout, but his voice is weak.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like you can," Damon retorts.

"Damon." Elena shoots Damon a glare and then turns back to Klaus and asks him in a calm voice, "So what are the symptoms?"

"Headaches, coughing, sweating, a fever," he lists. "Whatever it is, I'm weak. Weaker than I've ever been."

"It sounds like flu," Elena states.

I shake my head. "This is...this is all ridiculous. You're telling me a hybrid can get the flu?" I scoff.

"No, someone did this," Klaus says with gritted teeth. "Someone that knew I had the cure and wanted it for themselves."

"Katherine?" Damon suggests.

Klaus shakes his head. "Katerina wouldn't dare do anything to jeopardize her freedom."

"Then who?" Damon asks, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"I don't know, but it really doesn't matter because as long as I'm like this I'm vulnerable. I can't protect myself."

"How does it feel? It sucks, huh?" Damon says.

Klaus scowls at him and says, "Only witchcraft would be capable of doing this to me and that means only witchcraft can undo it."

"Good plan. Oh, but one problem. We don't know any witches. Not since..."

Damon trails off unable to finish that sentence and I notice Elena bow her head in sadness. She offers Klaus a second blood bag and he willingly takes it, this time devouring it in a much shorter time.

"So you didn't see who it was that attacked you?" I ask. "Surely you must've seen something."

"Stefan, I was in the woods, alone at night and I was disorientated. Whoever it was came up behind me and they were fast."

"So you're saying it was a vampire?"

"A vampire, a werewolf. Definitely supernatural."

I roll my eyes. I should've seen this coming. Just when things were starting to look up and Elena and I were starting to see a happy future and we were working things out with Damon it all comes crashing down. It's not fair. I don't want this.

"I don't know what you want us to do about this," I say.

"What?" Klaus exclaims. "I want you to bloody help me!"

"Stefan..." Elena says softly getting up and reaching out for my arms.

"No, no!" I yell pulling away from her and moving across the room. "I don't wanna hear it. After everything that's happened I don't want anything to do with the cure. Elena you  _died_  for that thing. You got to come back, but Bonnie...she wasn't so lucky."

"I know that, Stefan," she says getting close to me. "But we can't do nothing. You heard what Klaus said, he's vulnerable and he needs help to get back to his full strength. Besides, whoever took the cure can't have a good intentions or reasons for wanting it. I'm not sure we were ever really free of it. You and I both know there would've come a day when we had to find Katherine and take it off her. It's too dangerous, Stefan. One person having the power to destroy all immortality? Who knows what Katherine would've done with it and who knows what the person who has it now plans to do with it."

"Oh, yeah, about that..." Damon says holding his hand up in the air.

"What now?" I ask impatiently.

"The cure...there's only one."

"What?" Elena and I exclaim in unison.

Damon with the aid of Klaus explains the true story of Silas - the vampire who fell in love with the witch Qetsiyah - and that the cure was made by her as a way for her to spend a mortal life with her one true love, but that before they had chance her coven sacrificed Silas, dooming her to eternal misery.

"I guess we kinda should've figured it out for ourselves. A cure made to cure Silas of immortality...Silas is  _one_  vampire and it was made for  _one_  vampire," Damon says.

I sigh deeply, rub my temples and feel the brewing of a migraine in my head.

"But that doesn't-It doesn't change anything, right?" Elena asks. "Even if it's just one cure, the person that has it could still use it to wreak havoc. And we need to stop it."

"It's about more than that, Elena. I helped Klaus get this cure because-"

"I don't want to hear it, Damon," Elena says holding up her hand. "This isn't about me or us right now, it's about doing the right thing."

I stare on at admiration at Elena who seems to have taken the news so much more better than I have. It's during these times of crisis that I realise how important she is, because whilst all logical thought fails me and all I can do is feel the rage bubbling inside me, she assumes responsibility and keeps me centered by reminding me of what's important.

Because she's right. Whether I like it or not, Damon and Klaus got that cure off Katherine and now someone we don't know has it and could potentially use it to destroy us all. I don't know how or why it always comes down to us to deal with the fall out of the choices others make, but like Elena I must accept that it's happened now and it cannot be undone.

"So where do we even start?" Elena asks.

"You start with me," a familiar voice calls from the doorway of the living room.

* * *

** ELENA **

I recognise the voice almost instantly and it strikes fear into the very core of my being. Even Klaus shoots up from the sofa, his eyes wide in terror.

"No...no...that's not possi-"

"Oh, but it is. You see, your boyfriend over here fed me his blood in an attempt to save your life."

"You're a vampire," Damon states.

"Ding ding!" Shane calls, the same snide and conniving smile I remember all over his face.

I don't know why but before I've even had time to formulate another thought I've launched myself at Shane at full speed, as I screech uncontrollably, "It's your fault she's dead! You killed Bonnie! It's your fault! She's dead because of you!"

Stefan and Damon immediately run to my aid, ripping me off him as I struggle against them and Shane simply jumps up and rubs himself down.

"Tut tut, Elena. I really have no idea what you're even talking about, I-"

"Bonnie cast the spell to bring me back and died doing it."

He inhales sharply. "Oh, dear. That is rather sad."

His words enrage me more and I edge forward, but Stefan whispers into my ear, "Elena, don't. Stop. We can't lose it now."

It's his turn to be my anchor.

"So you're the bastard that did this to me?" Klaus calls from the couch.

"Oh, Klaus, hi," Shane says with a single wave and a smile. "I didn't notice you there. Er, yep, that was me."

Klaus scowls and attempts to get up, but flops back down with a groan.

"Don't strain yourself, Klaus. All we're doing is chatting, right, folks?" he says stepping from the doorway into the room.

"Get on with it then," Damon says from beside me.

He laughs lightly. "Always the impatient one, eh, Damon?"

"You heard him. Get on with it. You're obviously here for a reason," Stefan says.

Stefan and Damon remain close to me and Stefan and I both grab for one another's hands at the same time, our grip tight.

"You're right about that. When I woke up in that dark cave, alone and covered in blood I just couldn't understand what'd happened, how I was alive. But I found my way out and even though I didn't know what was going on the first young lady I came across...I just couldn't stop myself. She was so irresistible. I understand why those such as yourself, Stefan, may sometimes not be able to stop. It was only once I'd completed the transition that I truly understood what had happened to me."

"The fact that you came back from the dead wasn't enough of a clue for you, huh?" Damon jokes.

"Once I'd learned the ropes, I gathered my strength and I knew what I had to do."

"And what's that?" Stefan asks.

"Find Silas."

Damon and Stefan scoff and even I stare on at him in disbelief wondering how the first thought after he'd came back from the dead and completed the transition was  _still_  to find Silas.

"Hate to break it to you, buddy, but Silas is a myth. Everything you told us was make believe."

"Well, I know that now, don't I?" Shane snaps. "I found a coven of witches down south and I managed to persuade them to cast a little spell. Well, a few spells."

"How'd you get them to do that? Witches can't be compelled."

"You forget, Elena, that I have my very own personal kind of compulsion that  _never_  fails, unlike vampire compulsion."

"So you used your mind control parlor tricks on them to do this to Klaus? Why? To get the cure? Why would you want the cure?" Stefan asks through narrowed eyes.

"Yeah, if you wanted to be human again so bad why haven't you already taken it?" Damon adds.

"Once the witches told me the truth about Silas and his witch I knew that if I was going to bring my wife back I had to find another way," Shane tells us, ignoring both Damon and Stefan's questions.

"Why couldn't you have just got them to cast a resurrection spell?" I ask.

"No resurrection spell can be cast without dire consequences. You know that."

I hang my head, Bonnie's death still so raw that any mention of her feels like a stab to the heart.

"You still haven't told us why you needed the cure," I say, growing impatient myself. "Do you even have it or is all of this just a bluff?"

"Oh, I have it," he says reaching into his jean pocket.

He doesn't pull it out, but his hand seems to be clutched around something in his pocket.

"But how? How did you know where to find the cure? How did you know Klaus even had it? You were dead when Katherine took it and even if you found out she had it, how did you know me and Klaus were going to look for it? How did you know exactly where Klaus was?"

"I devoted  _everything_  to finding Silas, but it wasn't because of him, it was because of my wife. I would do anything for her. Anything."

"That's great, but you  _still_  haven't answered my question."

"I knew, Damon, because I'm smart. Unlike you lot who seem to dive into things blind and run around like headless chickens, relying on chance and luck to get you through, I plan, I analyse and I make damn sure that I'm going to get what I want."

"That seems to have gone really well for you so far," I can't help but retort.

"I admit that things...they didn't go quite to plan."

"Didn't quite go to plan? You killed yourself - and me in the process - all in the hope that Silas would bring you back and he doesn't even exist! If it weren't for luck and chance, you wouldn't even be standing here right now."

"I made a mistake, Elena. Have you never made a mistake?"

"Not mistakes like yours, no, because I'd never do the things you've done."

"That's where you're wrong, because when you love someone there's nothing you wouldn't do for them. If it were Stefan that were dead, you know in your heart that you would do what I have done in a heartbeat."

It's in brief moments like this that I feel a bizarre connection to Shane that I can't quite explain. It's because in spite of everything, he loves deeply, just as I do. The irony is, he loves  _too_  deeply. He loves his wife so much that it's driven him to insanity and caused him to completely discard his morals or any sense of compassion he may have once had.

"You will reverse the spell cast on me and you will do it NOW!" Klaus randomly shouts from the couch, his consciousness seeming to have returned to him once more.

He ignores Klaus, locks his intense eyes on me and although I can't explain why, a cold shiver runs down my spine causing me to clench Stefan's hand in mine so tight that his bones crack.

"I  _will_  get my wife back. Whatever it takes."

* * *

** STEFAN **

I know that something is coming from the change in Elena's body language and her vice like grip on my hand, so I instinctively pull her back behind me and as I do Shane whips his hand out of his pocket, puts what looks to be a long tube to his mouth and blows.

A dart flies from it full speed and I dive on top of Elena, pushing her aside, just in time. The dart sinks itself into Damon's neck and moments later he collapses to the ground.

Shane takes the dart gun to his mouth once more and Elena and I sprint around the room in different directions at top speed, in an attempt to disorientate and confuse him. For a new vampire he's incredibly agile and fast and I know that we won't be able to keep this up for too long.

I rip a shard of wood from the bookcase and propel it at him, but he avoids it and Elena follows suit, propelling all manner of weapons at him. Each one misses and suddenly he turns his attention away from us and to Klaus.

Reaching into his back pocket he pulls out an injection filled with a mystifying red liquid. Elena comes to a halt beside me and asks, "What the hell is that?"

The epiphany strikes me in a flash and I throw myself across the room.

"NOOOOO!"

I push Shane aside and land on top of Klaus' limp and unconscious body, then feel a sharp sting at the bottom of my back. I swing around to see Shane's face, contorted with horror.

"NO!" he screams at the top of his lungs. "YOU! You've ruined everything! My wife... AHHHH!"

He launches at me with a shard of wood but before he has chance to even move a muscle a stake plummets through his chest causing me to gasp in surprise. A shuddery breath escapes Shane as the black veins work their way up his neck and take him over.

He slumps back onto the ground to reveal Elena standing firm and tall, bloody stake in her hand.

"Oh, my god, Stefan," she calls, dropping the stake and clambering over Shane to lift me up from Klaus. "Did he hurt Klaus? Did he-?" she asks, panicked breaths taking her over.

"No. Go and check on Damon."

I clutch to my head which is growing heavy and after a few moments Elena returns.

"Vervain dart," she informs me holding it out to me.

I nod and my vision blurs, causing me to wobble unsteadily on my feet.

"Whoa, Stefan," Elena says, holding onto me and running her hand down my back in an act of comfort. "I can't believe that just happened. What was he thinking?"

"He was thinking of killing me," Klaus croaks. "Is it over?"

"He's dead," I inform him.

"Oh, thank the bloody Lord," he exhales. "I know now what he was trying to do."

"But you...you were unconscious when he was saying all that stuff."

"I heard every word," he says with a shake of his head. "The spell he cast to bring his wife back...if he killed an Original vampire enough vampires would die to give the witches the power they need in order to bring back a human life."

"That was his plan?" Elena asks in horror.

"Mmm, makes sense. Witches hate vampires, millions of vampires dead all over the world in exchange for one human life...it's a pretty good deal."

I wobble again and slouch forward, steadying myself on the arm of the chair and Elena comes up to me.

"Stefan, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" she asks with concern, rubbing her hand up and down my back. "It all happened so fast and I...Wait. What-what's that?" she asks turning her head to look at my back.

"What?"

She pulls something from out of my back which causes me to wince a little and when she brings it around I'm mortified to see the injection that Shane held over Klaus just seconds ago, one final drop of the red liquid sitting inside.

"Is that-Is that what I think it is?" Klaus asks his wide eyes.

The look of terror that comes across my face is enough to make Elena drop the injection on the floor and she practically falls forward into me as she frantically asks, "Stefan, what is it? What is it?"

The wooziness in my head starts to make it difficult to think let alone speak and she grabs for my face. "Hey, Stefan, Stefan, look at me. What's going on?"

"It's-it's the c-c-cure."

She frowns in confusion and then a look of realisation comes to her face as she smacks her lips together and tilts her head to the side. "No, no, no, no."

I slump forward and she lowers me to the ground carefully cradling my head in her arms.

"Klaus how do we stop this?" she exclaims frantically.

I peer over at the couch and Klaus seems to have drifted back off and I wonder how it came to this moment. Everything was so perfect yesterday...everything was so perfect...

* * *

** ELENA **

The panic is so vividly real that it consumes me from the inside out making it hard to breathe. With Klaus and Damon both unconscious I'm all alone and I'm terrified. I was willing to take the cure and in fact the purpose of finding it had been all because I wanted to take it, but the reality of knowing that Stefan has it in his system...I can't bear it.

What if it's not what we thought? What if it does something else? What if it goes wrong? What if...what if it...kills him? The mere thought causes a silent cry to escape me.

Stefan grows heavier in his arms and although his eyes are still fixed on me, I can see that he's slowly fading into unconciousness.

"Here, here, Stefan," I say straining to reach for a blood bag off the arm of the chair intended for Klaus. "Drink this. Drink," I instruct him, not sure what else I can possibly do.

"Elena, Elena...stop," he replies, pushing the blood bag down. "It doesn't matter what we do now. The cure's inside me, we just have to ride it out."

"Ride it out?" I exclaim, not understanding how he can possibly be so calm about this. "What if it isn't what we thought it was? Is it supposed to do this? What happens? Do you just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow a human? Stefan, I don't...I can't lose you. Not again."

"You won't. You can't ever lose me. We've been through so much, Elena-"

"Exactly and what if we can't get through this too? Stefan, we've never talked about this. You being human...This is all too much."

I feel guilty for being the one falling apart when he's the one going through it, but I don't know what else to do. Just minutes ago I was eating dinner with my family and for the first time in so long I was filled with hope for the future and now...it's all been taken away.

Everything is uncertain and the future I'd started to envision with Stefan may never happen now.

"It's gonna be fine," Stefan reassures me taking his hand in mine. "I know we didn't exactly plan this, but we'll do what we always do. We'll take each day as it comes and-"

"We'll do it together," I say finishing his sentence.

"Exactly," he smiles weakly and his eyes begin to droop shut.

"I love you, Stefan," I say, the sudden need to make sure he knows that taking me over.

I know it's dramatic considering that the likelihood is he will wake up human tonight or tomorrow or next week, but I'm filled with a nauseating sense of uncertainty and I just need him to know that I love him.

"Stop that, would you?" he says, his voice quiet. "I'm not going anywhere. It'll be fine."

I nod and decide to push through any fear or anxiety I have to see him through this. I need to be strong now, for him.

"It will be fine," I reiterate and he beams up at me, those words having done him the world of good.

Finally the last piece of consciousness slips from him and his head slumps in my arm.

"I'll see you on the other side," I whisper.

With everyone in the room either being dead or unconscious I throw my head back and exhale sharply and heavily attempting to get a grip on the events that have just unfolded. But I have only a moment, before Damon shoots up and worriedly glances around the room before crawling towards me on his hands and knees.

"What happened?" he asks me upon seeing Shane's body. "Oh, my god, Stefan...is he?"

"The cure," is all I manage to get out.

"The cure? What-? Oh my god. How-how-how...?" Damon stammers incoherently.

I bite my lip hard to keep the tears at bay, then explain, "Shane tried to get Klaus so he could kill him and his sire line to bring his wife back but Stefan he...he dived in the way."

Damon shakes his head and blinks rapidly then shuffles towards to us and reaches out to place his hand on Stefan's head. I see the same fear and uncertainty I feel reflected in Damon's eyes, but just like his brother, Damon reassures me with, "Elena, everything's gonna be fine. It'll all be okay."

I nod and pull Stefan in closer to my chest, kissing his hair and Damon remains close to us. Even if Stefan and Damon are right and somehow it all turns out okay, everything is going to change now. The three of us have been ripped from the new path we set ourselves on just days ago and are once again faced with an ambivalent future that we will only be able to get through if we do it together.

I just hope that we're strong enough to overcome this too...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we have it, the end! I spent 10 months writing this story and it's still my longest fic to date. I know the ending will probably feel very unsatisfying for most of you since it's a cliffhanger, but it was intended to be a stand alone rewrite for season 4 and for that reason it's been left open ended as there would be more seasons to come. What happens next is really up to your interpretation. I'm not completely opposed to writing a sequel (because I do have an idea of the direction the story would go in from here), but there would have to be a huge calling for me to take on the responsibility of doing another re-write for a season.


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